[Theme song and tunnel sequence in reverse, ending as usual in the control room of the Satellite of Love. MIKE is seated in front of a personal computer, looking just a bit befuddled. He hasn't noticed CAMBOT's presence yet.] MIKE [gesturing off-camera]: Hey, that's not what I -- ! Um, guys? Guys...? [TOM, wearing his smoking jacket, and CROW both appear.] CROW [under his breath]: Jeez, now I know why they charge for tech support...! TOM: What seems to be the trouble, Oh Pre-Millenial One? MIKE: Very funny. Just look at these graphics I uploaded! I spent two hours on -- [notices CAMBOT] Oh, hi, everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Sorry for not...well, I'm working on my Web page here. I figure once I get this online and have the search engines point at it, all Earth will notice that I'm up here! They'll have to rescue me! Maybe they'll send the _Atlantis_! CROW [looking at monitor]: Not with graphics like this. Is that supposed to be a picture of Gypsy? Looks like a close-up of a fried egg. TOM [also looking]: Uh-huh. The Hubble wasn't this far off. Mike, what did you save those pictures in? MIKE [starts picking up floppies and looking at the labels, obviously without any idea]: Well, um...it was...it was on one of these utilities disks here... [CROW guffaws. TOM groans.] CROW: Mike, how many times...? It's Photoshop or nothing! TOM: Or QuarkXPress. CROW: Are you joking? TOM: Hey, you want to spend too much money -- CROW [continuing over TOM]: Use that sad excuse for an operating system to run an overmatched bit of software -- TOM [also continuing]: -- on some over-indicated software just because it runs on that 32-bit patch you call an OS...Noonan! Noonan! Noonan!! MIKE: Oh, no, guys, don't -- [Suddenly the jarring chords of a shouting choir, direct from the soundtrack of _The Exorcist_, reverberate throughout the SOL. MIKE cringes a bit, as if he expected it; the 'Bots each leap a foot and a half, as if they obviously didn't.] CROW and TOM: What the --? MIKE: Oh, that's the Holy War Alarm that I had Gypsy install. Figured it might come in handy. [CROW and TOM look at each other for a moment, mouths open, briefly unable to come up with anything to say to each other that *isn't* the start of a Holy War.] MIKE: Well, so...what did you guys do for home pages? TOM: Ah! Well, mine's a simple one, really...just type "http://..." oh, the heck with it, just go to that bookmark there, the one I put in earlier. [nods toward the screen; MIKE complies] It's a simple little lynx-compliant number, harkening back to the days when the Web was young and SGML ruled the digital waves... MIKE: Uh, Tom, that Web address goes off the page! Couldn't you get something shorter? TOM: That would violate the spirit of the Internet, Mike! No, namespace abuse is an ugly thing, and I won't foster it! CROW: HA! TOM [sotto voce]: ...besides, tomservo.com was taken... MIKE [still looking at screen]: Kind of plain, too... CROW [jeering]: Plain? I've seen more exciting financial reports! TOM [annoyed]: Oh, sure! And you'd rather have flashing lights and full-streaming video? [to MIKE, impassioned] That's just the voices of those commercializing the Web speaking! Resist the temptation, Mike! CROW: Bor-ring! Now, Mike, if you want to see a *real* Web page, just hit www.crow-t-robot.com! MIKE: Ah, okay...[types it in while TOM huffs a bit]...okay, it's in. Just waiting for it to load. What have you got on there, Crow? CROW: Oh, it'll be fine in a sec. It's just pulling the background off that site in the United Arab Emirates I found the other day. TOM [incredulous]: United...Arab...? CROW: Anyway, it's the latest in high visibility, big-time hit ratio sites on the Web! It's got all animated GIFs, counters, backgrounds, forms, and three separate Javascripts to download! And that's the first page! Trust me, Mike, they'll scramble from Area 51 to get you when they see this! MIKE: Ah, okay. Well, sounds good. Let's just...wait a bit...[there's a pause, during which TOM can be heard softly snickering]...it's, um...still loading, Crow? [TOM begins laughing audibly.] CROW: Well, of course it is! I wouldn't attempt it without 10 megabits, minimum. [A laugh out of TOM again.] Shut *up*, Servo. [Light in the control room begins to flash.] MIKE: Well, while we're waiting, let's see what the Secret Masters have to say...[hits button] [Cut to the Flying Minivan of Death. The OBSERVER and BOBO are huddled around a monitor, chuckling gleefully. PEARL is staring out at the camera, looking menacing as usual. There's a pink Princess phone on the dash in front of her.] PEARL: What's wrong, Nelson? Finding your little Web-assisted escape route a trifle busy? Might be because of our latest, well, mass mail advertisement! [Cut back to the SOL.] TOM [livid]: Why...you...SPAMMERS!! It's been them all the time! CROW: What's wrong with that? MIKE: Now, guys...! [Too late. TOM and CROW begin bickering. The Holy War Alarm goes off. Cut back to the Minivan.] OBSERVER: Oh, yes! "Bulk email has been quite an eye-opener," it says! A brain opener, too, I might add! BOBO: All is in readiness, Lawgiver! friend@public.com here has just emailed off our latest spam -- [he is immediately silenced by an accusing finger from PEARL, and corrects himself quickly] -- uh, supposed-expression-of-free-speech-enabling-us-to-defraud-millions-easily! PEARL [smiling]: So that will mean...[she looks at the phone; it rings and she answers in a voice that would melt butter] Hello?...Your Acceptable Use Policy -- oh, how *cute!* I mean -- of course, we're quite sorry...mail us the refund, hm? Thank you...[she pushes a button on the phone] Hello, Earthlink? We're back!...The usual, please? Thank you! [hangs up; OBSERVER and BOBO cackle] Now, then. While exploring the marvelous potential of e-commerce, I sent Canter & Siegel back here [thumbs in the direction of the OBSERVER and BOBO] on a little side trip to explore the Web in search of things to drive you OUT OF YOUR TINY LITTLE MINDS! [The shrieking causes her passengers to stop cackling; she waves her hand and they resume] So, what did you find? BOBO: Well...um, well, Lawgiver...we found...him. [BOBO picks up JACK PERKINS from the seat next to him.] PEARL: Who in the name of Bert I. Gordon is that? JACK: Hello, I'm Jack Perkins! And I think we've found some of the best anime fanfic that the Web has to offer...right here on A&E! PEARL [smilingly sweetly again]: Oh, Bobo...? BOBO [nervously]: Yes, Lawgiver? PEARL [still sweet]: It's just a matter now of *how* I'm going to kill you. BOBO [very nervously]: Y-Y-Yes, Lawgiver! JACK: You see, Bobo and I found some of the marvelous works of Mike Franklin on the Web...and right there, on his page, that humble, underexposed scribe, tells us all that it's the best the Web can offer! OBSERVER [looking it up on the computer]: "Mike's Anime Stories... Tired of stories about your favorite anime characters ending up just plain silly? Click here if you want to read some really good fan fictions. Written by me!" JACK: Right here on A&E! [PEARL and BOBO huddle around the screen, curious.] PEARL: Follow the link, brain-boy. [Slowly, grins spread across their faces and they begin to cackle again. JACK, meanwhile, is staring at the camera, smiling. He continues to talk.] JACK: ...and after Mike, John Grisham will be out to tell us how it feels to be paid lots of movie royalties for books that are so, so boring! And then, Charlton Heston will be out to talk about being really amazingly right-wing! PEARL: Ha-haaa! Prepare for pain, browser-boy! Mike Franklin's re-telling of the Bubblegum Crisis OAV is on its way! JACK [pushing her gently aside]: ...and then, Topol -- that zesty, Greek dramatic actor -- will be out to... PEARL: Okay, brain guy. Send 'em the fanfic and open up the airlock for this one. [Cut back to the SOL. MIKE and the 'Bots are paying no attention to Pearl; they're looking at the computer screen.] TOM: So what's it at now? MIKE: Umm...12 percent... CROW: It's really cool, though... [Fanfic sign. Typical panic ensues.] MIKE: FANFIC SI-I-I-IGN!! [Countdown through the tunnel. MIKE and the 'Bots end up seated in front of:] Bubblegum Crisis OAV #1 CROW: Oh, I think I've seen this before. by Mike Franklin MIKE: I think "OAV" in this context stands for "Ostentatiously Attributed Version"... This story involves my character, Takei (TAK-KEH) Orochi, as a mysterious male Knight Saber. TOM: ...and consort of Marissa Picard. You'll understand the mysterious part when I give you the other stories. CROW: The mysterious part is how you ended up spelling "Mike Franklin" as "Takei Orochi". This is the first part of two sections because the entire first story I have deserves a break in the middle. (It's too long) MIKE: We can tell that already. ------------------------------------------------------- TOM: Cut here. Discard lower portion. Smoke wafted up from the floor of the man made, or rather destroyed, CROW: First sentence, and *already* this fanfic can't decide where it's going! canyon to the lone armored humanoid standing atop a charred crevass. Takei Orochi leaned over, peering into the chasm at the source of the ashen gas. [CROW makes a "hock-ptui!" sound.] MIKE: "Now my Ashen will never run out of gas on the highway again!" As he had assumed, it was the Knight Sabers' doing. Luckily, he had also caught them when they were still on scene. Fate was with him tonight. That one hundred million dollars would soon be his, then he could start his project to ruin GENOM. MIKE: Kids just spend too much on these science fairs. It was ironic, the same megacorporation paying him to take out the Knight Sabers would later have to deal with him. He didn't care. He just wanted all the revenge he could get. TOM: And therrrre's your plot! Enjoy! Takei leapt off the building, quickly extended the wings from his jet pack. The engines flared to life and slowed his descent to an admirable speed, letting him fall correctly. The Knight Sabers had no chance. CROW [high-pitched voice]: "Wow! Look at him fall! Gee, girls, we're screwed! Let's surrender!" "A new Boomer?" Priss asked, kicking the broken blue android. TOM [Python voice]: "I'm getting better!" "It looks like Class C. I've seen plans for them in the GENOM database," Sylia's voice crackled from her helmet microphone. Linna looked upwards, CROW: -- for no obvious reason -- at a rapidly approaching dot in the sky. TOM [Dot Warner voice]: "Boys! Go fig!" She pointed her green armored arm into the air at the strange object. "What's that?" she asked anyone who was listening. CROW: Which counts out anyone reading... TOM: "Mir: The Final Mission!" MIKE: Hey, it's your only plot point this episode! Don't shoot yet! The others looked as well. Suddenly, the dot quickly became a humanoid figure, who began firing at the trio of armored heroines. Solid bolts pulled up wreckage around them, causing the women to scramble. TOM: Okay, what exactly are "solid bolts"? MIKE: Maybe he got his ammunition at the Home Depot. A good amount of dust was kicked up as well, clouding any return fire for the time being. [ALL hack and cough. MIKE waves his hand in front of his face.] When it cleared, an armored male (judging by the shape and contour of the armor) CROW: And believe you me, Linna checked...! stood there arms spread and directed at Linna and Priss. Mean looking cannons at his waist were aimed at Sylia's grey armored form. MIKE: "My waist cannon is loaded with a missile of lu-u-u-uhv for you, baby!" CROW: Paging Dr. Ruth! We might have an adequacy problem here! A voice echoed from the man's helmet microphone. "Knight Sabers," he said. "Surrender your armor to me and I won't have to kill you." "Now way," Priss said, opening up with her weaponry. TOM: Is that an off-shoot of Amway? Her target did not move, only stood silent as the bullets ricocheted off his superior armor. MIKE: "Your bullets cannot harm me, for I have WINGS of STEEL!" CROW: I can't top *that* for obscurity! He fired back at her with both arms, causing her fall backwards, bolts hitting her power cells, causing them to fail. TOM: -- lousy writing hitting the page, causing the reader to kill the browser and go back to playing DOOM! Linna, with the weapons of her opponent aimed away, jumped him from behind, but was knocked to the ground by a back handed swipe. She fell to the ground, and he reaimed all his weaponry onto Sylia. "Do you want to try?" he said. CROW: "Sure! Hey, Linna!" SMACK! "Yeah, that *did* feel good!" "GENOM sent you, didn't they?" Sylia asked, ignoring his remark. MIKE: Great work, Jessica Fletcher! Where *else* do bad guys come from in MegaTokyo? He nodded, keeping aim on her. "They want you pretty bad for some reason. You just destroying every little Boomer that comes along doesn't seem like a threat to me. GENOM thinks otherwise. A hundred million times otherwise." "You don't think our work is valid?" He shook his head. "I just care about the money, 'cause my personal revenge costs." CROW: He's going out for the NBA draft! "Personal revenge? If you want personal revenge, then work with us." TOM: "Yeah, we'll beat up on *anybody!*" "Ha! You can top the bid of one hundred million dollars?" She nodded. "I know you don't want to destroy us. The money is just a incentive to. MIKE [Troi voice]: "Captain, I sense self-insertion!" I can give you your money without having the big problem of GENOM destroying you entirely. At least, with us there to help you, we can stand a fighting chance." TOM: "Yeah, never mind you blew up Linna! Can we shine your boots?" The male stood, obviously thinking of the agreement. "Okay, you're right. I don't want to kill you. I guess I will join you then." MIKE: Bosnia should've gone this easily. CROW: "That which does not kill us...joins us, I guess." "Sylia, get away from him!" Linna shouted, presumably just recovering. MIKE: Yeah, it's only a presumption that she's conscious... She armed her knuckle bomb and hit Takei across the arm, blowing parts of the armor away, but fortunately not severing his appendage. He fell down to a sitting position, holding the bleeding wound on his arm. "What the hell was that for?" he croaked, in pain from the injury. TOM: "To insure one decent scene in this fanfic!" Sylia went over to Linna and pushed her arm down to her side, CROW: CLANK! a silent gesture for cease fire. "Now you want to work with us?" Priss shouted at the armored male sitting in the chair. TOM: Whoa, wait! He got sent to the chair for attacking the Knight Sabres? CROW: "Call the Governor! I've been framed!" All of them were assembled in Sylia's apartment, sitting in her living room. MIKE [high-pitched voice]: "Eeewww! Priss! Your underwear is jammed down between the sofa cushions!" "Hey, if I didn't join you, I'd have one hundred million dollars and you'd all be dead." CROW: "Wa-a-ait a sec...what am I *doing?*" Sylia was wrapping his arm, having cut away the broken armor from the rest of the suit. "As you know, we're the Knight Sabers," she said to him, tying off the bandage. "That's Priss and Linna. TOM: -- the Doublemint Twins! I'm Sylia Stingray. My brother, Mackie, is downstairs CROW: -- watching the whole thing -- and Nene is on duty." MIKE [eagerly, as SYLIA]: "Okay, there's our secret identities! Can we shine your boots again?" He nodded, looking at Priss, then Linna. "People don't recognize me as any special person. They just don't want to get in my way." CROW [sarcastically]: Oh, thank you, Clint. The man reached under his chin to release the clasps for his helmet, then removed it. "You can call me Takei. TOM: ...George Takei! MIKE [George Takei voice]: "Ah-ha-haa! Richelieu!" Takei Orochi." His dark brown hair fluttered down in front of his eyes, to which he swept away. Sylia blushed unconsciously. CROW [gushing]: "Oooo, can I bear your children? I mean -- Hi, I'm Sylia!" "Then..then welcome to the Knight Sabers," she said, smiling. CROW: That's it? No background check? Credit record? Where do I sign? TOM: This is like watching _The Stepford Wives_ in armor. ************* Bubblegum Crisis OAV #1 TOM: "The Next Generation!" by Mike Franklin Takei Orochi MIKE: Not even the author can keep it straight. -------------------------------------------------------- "Your suit is your design?" Sylia asked Takei, new recruit for the Knight Sabers. He nodded. "Boomers raided my apartment complex when I was building some protective armor to use during my racing. CROW: -- Hamster racing! When I tried it on, the building exploded. TOM: Sounds like you need a new tailor! MIKE: Or a new architect! I awoke a while later, finding myself knocked away from the wreckage. But..but..my wife and child weren't. They were killed by those android bastards during a battle they weren't even involved in. TOM [Shatner voice]: "You...android...bastards...!" The boomers were destroyed, parts were everywhere. TOM: What kind of parts? CROW [Southern accent]: Parts is parts! MIKE [Southern accent]: Little pieces of parts. I became a mercenary. Specializing in Boomer trouble." CROW [as SYLIA]: "Okay, great, but I was asking about your suit." "I heard of that explosion. Was your building on 33rd?" Nene asked him. Takei nodded once again. CROW [breezily, as NENE]: "Oh, that was *me*, sorry! Little accident, y'know; butane lighter and massage oil..." "I read a report on that. Apparently, there was a theory that GENOM was running a test in an uninhabited area and it went haywire," she continued. Takei left the room to remove his armor. "Makes them just another statistic then." MIKE: "Yeah, just another stock character in a crappy fanfic..." TOM: Good thing he's not bitter, or anything. Priss sat, unsatisfied with Sylia's decision of letting Takei on the team. He returned, in a baggy suit retrieved from the back room. MIKE [as PRISS]: "My clown suit! Hey, give that back!" "Yeah, yeah you got so much hard luck, but you don't need to bother us with it," the tough brunette told him bluntly. CROW: "Yeah, I lost a goldfish once! Top *that!*" She got up and promptly left before he could answer. "I'm tired. I'm going go home and get some rest," she called back to them from the hall. TOM [Khan voice]: "I grow fatigued...!" "We've all got to get some rest," Sylia said, getting up and turning to Takei. "You can stay here, if you want." TOM [as SYLIA]: "Did I mention I'm great at cooking breakfast, too?" He agreed. "I have a place downtown by the MegaTrack, but my guidance systems for my suit are shot." MIKE: Hey, now *that's* a line I'll have to remember! TOM: Mike, what for? You're trapped in space, with no other humans! MIKE: Well, for when I get back, y'know! Parking out by the lake...I could turn to her and say, "Sorry, baby, my guidance systems are shot!" CROW [to TOM]: Y'know, maybe it's better he's up here. MIKE: Oh, sure, rub it in... Linna looked sheepish. CROW: Baa-a-a-a. "I'm sorry about that." TOM: "I am filled with shame." CROW: "I'd lick your boots, but they've got Sylia's spit on 'em. Yuck!" [in case you don't remember, she whacked him in the arm with a knuckle bomb.] [ALL look around, wondering where that came from.] MIKE: Well, thank you, Mr. Magic Narrator, sir. CROW: Now he's inserting himself into the narration! "I put it self repair, so it'll be fixed by morning," he completed. CROW [campy voice]: "I sprinkled it with fairy dust!" TOM [kids' show host voice]: "Do *you* believe his armor can be repaired? Clap your hands if you believe!" [MIKE and CROW obediantly clap.] Sylia smiled. "Guest rooms are down the hall to the right." CROW: "It's the one marked 'Sylia'!" Takei nodded, got up, then left. Sylia ran after him, to help straighten out the room. MIKE [quickly]: "Kibbles 'n' Bits, Kibbles 'n' Bits! I'm gonna get me some Kibbles 'n' Bits!" Nene looked at her friend still in the room. They both laughed. TOM [as NENE]: "Ha-haa! Oh, it's so amusing watching her demean herself!" Takei got himself out of bed and looked out the broad TOM: Sa-a-a-ay...! balcony window. TOM: Doh! This was much better than his apartment at the racetrack. CROW: Yeah, at home, he'd still be *inflating* his girlfriend. Maybe he could...stay here..and maybe..no. It would be too hard to get to work then. "I see you're up and about," Sylia said from behind him. TOM: Let's see...he got out of bed and walked to the window...Sylia's behind him...yep! Takei turned around and greeted her. "I had Mackie work on the structural damage of your suit. He installed some palm guns." TOM: "He's been reading _Iron Man_ again." He nodded and sat down at a chair. "Then I guess I've overstayed my welcome, huh?" CROW: On the Web? Yes! Sylia tossed a paper onto the bed in front of him. It showed the picture of a burning building. "I never had and luck with any permanent residence. MIKE: "-- as this picture shows." Plus, I'm not surprised. Being in a location between two rival gangs, it had to be the target of violent action sometime. I guess I should call a taxi to get to work." TOM: Okay, *who* is talking? "Not today," Sylia told him. She flipped through the paper to the classifieds. THE KNIGHT SABERS...REPORT 34-11576..20 MILLION. "34-11576? USSD's secret satellite link up code? You mean its job from them?" CROW [as SYLIA]: "Well, you know it and we know it, so it's not very secret, is it, dickweed?" Sylia nodded, amazed at Takei's understanding of the situation. MIKE [as SYLIA]: "I'm amused and bewildered by this plucky stranger!" "You're now a formal Knight Saber." Takei smiled. TOM: "Heh, heh...hello, medical insurance!" [I'll skip the part about going to see the USSD people because it's just repetition.] MIKE: Oh, sure, I remember the part about the guy in armor being there. TOM: I must have been out getting Jujubees. CROW: While you're at it, can we skip the remainder of the fanfic, too? "A missing person case? Who do those USSD people think they're fooling with?" Priss asked, disgusted with Takei's relaying of information. CROW: "Yeah! We lose more people in one *day* than USSD ever did!" He nodded just the same, shutting off his helmet projector. "I'll look around," she completed. "We'll all look," Sylia told them. "Try to get back here by 7:00." TOM: Great strategy! "City's only got twelve million people or so, just go out and look around! Shouldn't take you more than a few hours..." They all got up, leaving Mackie and Sylia. Sylia stopped Nene. "Nene, you stay here with Mackie to help crunch numbers." TOM: "Any numbers will do. Try 'nine'." She reluctantly agreed. Takei sat at the table in his racing suit. CROW: -- making "Vroom! Vroom!" noises. "Not a thing. All 54 of my informants haven't seen a caucasian male accompanied by a blonde haired little girl. Of course, 39 of them I found dead." CROW: "28 of them I had to kill myself!" "This mission is harder than expected," Sylia remarked, staring out the penthouse window over the city. MIKE: "Yeah, I tried a quick head count, just to see if anyone was missing...gee, sure are a lot of people in MegaTokyo, huh?" "I wish Priss would be back soon," Linna announced. Takei secretly flipped a transmitter from his sleeve. Three dots shone on a screen, two close together and the other a fair distance away. TOM: "-- and this shows the location of the nearest Denny's!" "What's that?" Linna asked, looking over his shoulder. "A homing signal? You bugged us?!" CROW: He's bugging *all* of us. Takei was speechless. "Umm..well..I..didn't think..well did think that..." Sylia interrupted. "Great idea, Takei. CROW: "I must remember to lick your boots again!" Where is Priss?" He looked at the transmitter. "AquaCity." "Then we know where to go." MIKE: "I'm going to Disneyland!" The grey suited mercenary soared across the sky, wings extended and blue-white glow emanating from the engine of his jet pack. [ALL start making propeller plane noises. MIKE puts his arms out to either side.] "I have visual on the building, Sylia," Takei told his friends down on the ground below through an encoded radio transmission. "Good. Meet us there." He decreased his engine and began his descent to the roof of the building. [ALL *keep* making propeller plane noises.] A male stood atop the building, spotted him, and burst into a Class C Boomer. TOM [mincing]: It's spring, and everything's coming up Boomers! As Takei landed on the roof, the other Knight Sabers appeared from behind him and blasted the android, causing it to fall into a large hole broken in the building. Suddenly, four Boomers leapt up from the hole and attacked, firing small arms fire. CROW: Gymkata! Takei protected his faceplate with his arms, bullets ricocheting off the tempered steel. CROW [Mel Brooks voice]: "Ah, it's *good* to be the self-insertion character!" He charged forward and snapped forth a pair of claw-like blades from his *left* arm [very important]. TOM [nerdy voice]: "Will this be on the test, sir?" He plunged them into the closest Boomer's chest. He lifted it from the ground, and pulled a flipped out a long blade with which he used to cut the beast's head off. MIKE: "There can be only ONE!" It fell silent and he dropped it to the ground. Suddenly, a huge tendril of a steel/concrete mesh broke out of the building in front of him, causing him to leap away. "A Super-Boomer?!" Sylia shouted out loud over the crashing noise. CROW [Ah-nold voice]: "He is made of liquid metal!" A huge face burst up from the building. MIKE: H.R. Pufnstuf! Nooooo! CROW: "I'm your boyfriend now! Bwahahaha!" Another cable whipped down at Sylia, who was unaware. "Look out!" Takei shouted. MIKE: Oh, great. He plays offensive line for the Ravens. He launched himself forward and caught her before the cable struck her. It crashed through the concrete, breaking a huge hole were she had stood. Now they both had to dodge. "I can't do this much longer," Takei called out. "My power cells are almost shot." TOM [Scotty voice]: "The injins kinna take much more, Cap'n!" "I'll take care of your unfinished business, Takei!" Priss called to him, flying over in her motoroid. CROW [as TAKEI]: "What, right here?!" He watched her fly straight down the mouth of the Super Boomer. Was she nuts? TOM: Wouldn't you be? Muffled gunshots and explosions came from the throat of the giant android and Priss came flying right back out, explosions billowing from the boomer's maw. Takei looked around and saw a young girl standing a top a slowly disentegrating column of metal. She screeched and Takei and a strange feeling. TOM: Uh, right. "Get the hell out of here!" he shouted at the others. "This place is going to be toast!" The Sabers escaped at top speed as a luminescent ray obliterated all of AquaCity. MIKE [British accent]: "And there was much rejoicing." TOM & CROW: "Yaaay." "How'd you know to get out of there?" Linna asked her friend. "Seriously don't know," he answered her, shaking his long bangs out of his face. TOM: Time to call Vidal Sassoon. He's overdoing the "anime hair" a bit... The van parked in the garage under Sylia's building and the all of them got out. Priss, Linna, Nene, and Mackie walked off, leaving Sylia and Takei alone in the dim light of the room. "I want to thank you for your help Takei," Sylia told him. "It was for the benefit of all the group." "Not that. Before." MIKE: "Oh, beating up Linna? Anytime." Takei scratched his chin, helmet tucked under his arm. "It was..nothing." CROW: You can say *that* again. "It was something to me." CROW: It was nauseating, was what it was! Sylia reached out and kissed him, her arms encircling his neck. [ALL make lip-smacking, plunger-pulling noises.] Takei gratefully accepted her gesture and slid his arms around her back, holding her close. MIKE [muffled]: "Geez, you could've taken your gum out first!" The End [ALL get up to leave the theater.] TOM: -- of the innocence! CROW: -- of my lunch! Eegh! [Tunnel sequence in reverse. CROW is dressed in some rather natty looking armor; some of the "plates" in the armor are actually waffles. He's standing next to a swimming pool. The sun is shining, the water is glistening...it's a perfect day. Also enjoying the weather, and basking every bit as much in CROW's attention, are CELIA, LINNA, and NENE. They're wearing little armored bikinis and adoring looks on their faces as they lounge halfway-out of the pool at CROW's feet.] CROW: -- and then I said, "Sorry, baby, my guidance systems are shot!" [CROW forces a laugh; the women giggle in an annoying fashion.] LINNA [completely vacuous voice, as all the women have]: Oh, Takei, you're so powerful! NENE: And witty, and gorgeous! CELIA: Tell us about how your suit is self-repairing again, while we fight for the privilege of kissing your feet! NENE: It's the only fighting we're good for in this fic! CROW: Well, okay, but just *one* more time, girls...okay? CELIA, LINNA, NENE [enthusiastically]: Okay! [TOM and MIKE walk in, dressed absolutely normally.] TOM: What in the name of Russ Meyer is going on here? MIKE [uncomfortably]: Um, gee, Crow, I hate to interrupt you, but the HoloCabana is taking up way too much power -- CROW: What do you mean, "way too much power"? [GYPSY sticks her head in.] GYPSY: Like, all of it! We're completely stopped! [Cut to the exterior of the Satellite of Love. It has no running lights on and is absolutely motionless. An astronaut floats into view, pedalling a bicycle. He slowly pedals past.] [Cut back to the HoloCabana. TOM is looking out a porthole at the bicyclist, and begins humming the "Miss Gulch" theme from the _Wizard of Oz_.] TOM [singing]: Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, dooo! Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, dooo! MIKE: Hey, Crow, aren't there four Knight Sabres? CROW: Yeah, but I didn't include Priss. I overlooked her, just like in the fanfic. I mean she's...well, you know what I mean... MIKE: No, Crow, what? CROW: She's...she's got... TOM: A personality. CROW: No! She's got...um...Sylvie. MIKE: Sylvie? You mean -- oh, Crow! Don't tell me you're buying into that fanboy theory that she's a les- CROW: No, Mike, don't --! [CELIA, LINNA, and NENE all begin squealing like Minmei.] CROW: No, it's okay, girls, it's okay... MIKE: What? CROW: They can't hear the word -- well, you know! It happened when I programmed out Priss... MIKE: ...and programmed them to do this? CROW: Well, er...hey, even Bill Gates had his 640K! Sometimes you've gotta take the bad with the good when programming! CELIA [still fawning at CROW's feet, in an absurdly sexy way]: Oooooh, Takei, I just looooove your...your...waffles! TOM [looks at CROW suddenly]: Hey, you're reusing parts off that Willie the Waffle costume! CROW [muttering]: ...thought I'd programmed that out... GYPSY: Well, I know how to program it out! [shuts down HoloCabana; the familiar grid pattern appears] CROW [panicky, then annoyed as he watches NENE, CELIA, and LINNA disappear] Hey, wait, don't! Celia, Linna -- aw, Gypsy, what'd you do that for! GYPSY: Because I'm not going to get out and push! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a ship to run! [as she walks off] I am Janeway, hear me roar! TOM: So how did this sordid little scenario manage to suck up all the available power on the ship? CROW: I wrote it in Windows 98. TOM: Ah. Surprised we didn't drain passing ships, too. CROW: Bite me. [Fanfic sign.] ALL: Oh, no! FANFIC SI-I-IGN!! [Tunnel sequence, ending in --] Bubblegum Crisis OAV #2, Born to Kill TOM: "Double-O-A-V-2...*is* Born to Kill!" by Mike Franklin Takei Orochi TOM: "Mike Franklin...*is* Takei Orochi!" MIKE: Yeah, we knew that. CROW [British accent]: "My name is Franklin...*Mike* Franklin! I write fanfics...*bad* fanfics!" -------------------------------------------------------- "The area 44-3 GENOM laboratory in District Six had a reported explosion last night. TOM: "It had an UNreported explosion, too, but we, um, didn't get a report on that..." No leads onto the source of the accident, but GENOM chairman Quincy reports a laboratory malfunction." MIKE [as Quincy]: "Those lab techs responsible are now employed as reactor shielding." Takei snapped off the television before they went into an interview with Mr. Quincy. TOM: "Take *that*, Oprah!" He buckled his belt, fastening his jeans up at his waist. TOM: Zzzzzzip! CROW: "AAAAAAIIIGGHH!!" MIKE: You guys are just cruel. He heard a timid knock at his door. "Come in," he replied to the signal. Sylia walked in, but looked away for a minute. "Sorry," she apologized. "I didn't know you weren't finished dressing." CROW [high-pitched]: "I'm not lusting after you because you're the self-insertion character, really!" "It's alright," Takei said. MIKE [as Takei]: "I didn't know you weren't finished getting dressed, either!" "I've got to call in a report to the USSD for our last job. It also seems they have another." "What about?" "They think GENOM is working on some kind of Super Boomer. TOM: "S'posed t' be good for you." They want it destroyed." Takei nodded and Sylia turned to go. She stopped in front of the door and swung around to look at him again. "May I ask, what happened to your shoulder?" She pointed to a long scar across his left shoulder. CROW: "Cut myself shaving." "Motorcycle accident," he said quickly. She nodded and left, closing the door behind her. Hearing her leave, Takei went to his desk and pulled out a vinyl packet as well as a small battery charger. [MIKE reaches over and holds CROW's beak shut.] CROW: Mmmmmmmph!! Opening the bundle and plugging the charger into the wall, he produced a tiny razor from the case. Without reluctance, he cut his left shoulder with the sharp metal. TOM: Okay, was this scene from _T1_ or _T2_? CROW: You mean "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots"? Continuing the cut, he sliced a small flap of flesh loose from his arm. Pulling it back, he revealed a chrome plated socket inset within the now slightly bleeding hole. MIKE: It activates his Kung Fu grip! TOM: Wanna bet he's got a wind-up key in case he can't get to his car's cigarette lighter? MIKE: I wonder if he's AC or DC? CROW [quickly]: I don't wanna know! Sliding a wire from the charger, he attached it to the socket and sat back as the machine fed its energy into his arm. CROW [Crazed Italian accent]: "Bigbooty! Install-a my Overthruster!" Takei walked out into the meeting room and saw Priss enter as well. TOM: I'm gonna laugh when he finds out he's still wired to his desk. Sylia sat at her computer, so Priss wouldn't openly curse Takei. MIKE [as SYLIA]: "Now, Priss, be good, or no crunchy treats!" "GENOM is up to no good," Priss said, holding her hand in pain. TOM: No-o-o! Really? Linna came up behind her and followed her to a seat. They both sat down and Linna began bandaging her friend's hand. CROW [high-pitched voice]: "Oh, Doctor, will I play 'Konya Wa Hurricane' again?" "When has GENOM been up to any good?" "We all know that they're up to something, and probably have moved it because of that laboratory explosion," Sylia stated. MIKE: Moved it about thirty feet up in the air, that is. "The AD Police records of investigation showed that a van was leaving the laboratory from a normally unused route," Nene reported. "And there's only 4 labs in the area of the explosion." Mackie said. "2 were closed down and the other resumed activity since the explosion." CROW [British accent]: "Let's see...two closed down and one resumed activity, that's four..." TOM [British accent]: "Three, sir!" CROW [British accent]: "--er, three..." Takei smirked. "Let me guess. The truck went straight to it?" CROW: Straight to what? MIKE: No, straight *through* it. It's Buckaroo Banzai's truck. Mackie nodded. "Then let's go," Sylia said. Takei pulled his helmet onto his knee CROW: -- and his boots over his ears. TOM [singing]: "Oh, I come from Mega-Tokyo, with a helmet on my knee..." and leaned into the back of the van. "Ready to roll, ladies?" MIKE: Ready to be patronized, ladies? "Get bent, Takei," Priss said, straddling her motorcycle in her deep blue armor. "And Priss?" he completed. CROW [as PRISS]: "You wear your helmet on your knee, and *you're* dissing *me?*" She tried to flip him the bird, CROW: CLANK! but was hard because of her armored hand. TOM [whispering excitedly]: "Yes, yes!...Wear the armor...!" CROW: Now, wait, that is anatomically -- mmmmmph! [MIKE grabs CROW's beak again.] "S'okay Priss. I get it." TOM: Not often, you don't. CROW: MMMMMMPPHH!! MIKE [still holding onto CROW, scolding TOM]: Tom, do I have to put you in time out? He went to the front of the van and sat next to Mackie. "Let's go, Mackie." "Coming up on the lab now," Mackie said. TOM: Either Mackie drives quick, or that lab was across the street. Priss and Linna moved to their bikes as Sylia, Takei and Nene scaled the ladder leading to the top of the van. Pincers placed the motorbikes onto the pavement beside the van MIKE: -- and put the training wheels on -- and Sylia looked towards the oncoming building. TOM: There's a building coming at them?! "Knight Sabers! Sanjo!" TOM: Banjo! MIKE: Cujo! CROW: Cornjob! The trio atop the van flared their jet packs and flew towards one of the open windows. MIKE: "No, the *open* --" TOM & CROW: CRRAASSSSHH!! They set down inside the structure and searched quickly. Takei shrugged, keeping his cannon arm trained and ready. "Looks okay to..." Suddenly, a blast hit him, sending him sailing back into a railing. [ALL applaud loudly.] A female Boomer lowered her gun. CROW: Seven of Nine does not approve of self-insertion! Nene squealed and shot her own suit gun at another android who had appeared. It blasted back, knocking her over. MIKE: So, her own suit gun blasted back, huh? TOM: As usual, Nene's about as useful as a Congressional ethics panel. Sylia fired with her palm blaster, blowing pieces of the Boomer onto the floor. Takei pulled himself free of the twisted railing and let shots loose at his assailant, blowing of her head. TOM: Of her *what*? CROW: Mike, should we be reading this? When Linna and Priss returned, they all surveyed the situation. "Not too smart," Takei commented. MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Bronson, dialogue coach! "Where's the Super Boomer?" Linna asked. There was a loud explosion as a huge red Boomer smashed through a door, prepared for combat. CROW [New York accent]: "Somebody call for me?" It opened up its mouth, and fired from a laser emplacement within its maw. MIKE: Wow, dentistry is vicious in Mega-Tokyo! "Look out!" Takei exclaimed, jumping in between Sylia and the blast aimed at her. The hot energy hit him in the shoulder, exploding the metal of his armor. TOM: -- but leaving the little plastic and papier-mache bits intact. His arm clattered to the floor, clearly separating from the rest of his body. Takei fell to one knee, holding his shoulder. A steady flow of oil dripped from the torn stump. CROW [Darth Vader voice]: "I *am* your father!" "Takei!" Sylia shouted, witnessing his wound. CROW: Yeah, give him a hand, Sylia! TOM & MIKE: Crow! CROW [contrite]: Oh, darn! That was me, I said it! She fired at the beast's head blowing armor away, then Priss shot a pin dart through its head. MIKE: Ammunition courtesy of Jo-Ann Fabrics. It fell forward, dead in its own way. TOM [mincing]: Just its own *special* way of being dead! Has a certain je-ne-sais-quoi, don't you think...? Takei got up slowly, retrieving his arm. He looked at the circuitry, but dropped it, deciding that it was unsalvageable. CROW [British accent]: "It's only a flesh wound!" TOM: Quick! Rush him to the Radio Shack! Priss spoke first, fire in her voice. MIKE: She's been eating chili dogs. "I knew there was something about you. You're a freakin' Boomer!" Takei shot a glance towards her. "What? No! I'm not a Boomer!" CROW [British accent]: "But you are *dressed* as one!" MIKE: Getting a lot of mileage out of _Holy Grail_, aren't we? TOM: That should tell you something, Mike. CROW: Should tell Franklin something, too, but he keeps writing. MIKE: Maybe he'll throw in a Boomer that says "Ni!" Takei looked down and shook his head. TOM: -- which promptly unscrewed and fell off, landing next to his arm. "I knew it'd come out sooner or later. When I was in that explosion that killed my family, I didn't come out unhurt. CROW: If you're talking about the brain damage, we can tell. TOM [baby talk voice]: "My pinky got boo-boo." My natural arm was lost. I thought it would have been the end of my career in racing. MIKE: He races by walking on his hands? Then I saw a broken combat Boomer. Arm all polished, but no use for it anymore. I cut it off and used it for my own. TOM: So if he cuts it off, he can use it, but if it's shot off, he can't... CROW: ...and of course, he's nine feet tall, so the arm isn't oversized for him at all... TOM: ...and Boomers are given a buff-and-wax before leaving the factory... TOM & CROW: MIKE, MAKE IT STOP!! MIKE: There, there... You should be glad to meet the first successful synthesis between combat Boomer parts and a human." CROW: May as well be. You've been licking his boots since he showed up! TOM: Yeah, the first since _AD Police Files_, which apparently you didn't rent, Franklin! Takei walked over to the "slain" Boomer on the floor. Swinging forth his cutting blade, he sliced off the left arm and shoulder. TOM: -- then he cut off the other limbs, and made it into a Pez dispenser! Sighing longingly, he hefted it against his shoulder and walked away. MIKE: Um, longing for what? CROW: I *still* don't wanna know. Takei was alone in his room for some time. Sylia knocked and came in. "Need any help?" she asked. [MIKE quickly grabs CROW's beak again.] CROW: MMMMMMPPH!! TOM: I want a crunchy RAM-chip for *not* making a comment on that one. He looked over at her from his work table. "I could use a bit more room." TOM: I want *two* crunchy RAM-chips. "Then why don't you come out to the living room?" TOM: I want *THREE* crunchy RAM-chips, and a subscription to _Playbot_!! MIKE: Okay, okay! CROW: MMMMMMMMMMPPPHH!! Takei nodded, assembled his belongings and left with her. They arrived in front of Nene, Linna and Mackie. Priss seemingly went home. MIKE: -- but she was *really* at her agent's, trying to get out of this fanfic before the next "worship-at-Takei's-boots" scene. The trio stared at the red chrome arm partially attached to Takei's shoulder. It was in a sling. He sat at the broad main table TOM: Or the main table of broads, as the case may be... and Sylia sat next to him. CROW: -- as far away as her leash would let her. He began to poke at the exposed joint with a pair of pliers. [TOM makes a "zzzt!" sound with every poke.] Mackie got up and sat at his other side. "Does your arm give you more strength?" CROW: Mackie should be used to having one arm stronger than the other. MIKE: Oh, that was uncalled for! Takei nodded. "Yeah, but the strength it gives me wouldn't compare to the satisfaction of having my real arm." He pushed another wire and circuit into place and the arm jumped to life. Takei smiled. He clenched his new hand and pumped his new bicep. MIKE: Yeah, you're really broken up over it, I can tell. "Amazing," Sylia said. "But what about appearance?" CROW: Pretty awful. Oh, wait, you mean the arm? "I have a synthetic skin spray and synthetic blood spray that real Boomers use for disguise. TOM: So it'll match his personality. When in contact with the chemical, it'll shrink to size." CROW: ...ah...no, too easy. Sylia and Mackie both nodded. "Your father gave me my new arm. Never hate him for giving birth to the Boomer. CROW: Ow, that must really have *hurt!* MIKE: I could've done without that visual, Crow! It has helped in more ways than one." The End [ALL get up to leave.] TOM: It helped by ending this fanfic. CROW: "This concludes 'Our Friends, the Boomers!' Our next educational film will be 'Duck and Cover!'" [Tunnel sequence in reverse. ALL stand in the Control Room of the SOL once again, looking somewhat worse for the experience.] TOM: Hoo boy. CROW: Stink-a-reeno. MIKE: Well, we survived, anyway...I suppose Pearl and the boys will be disappointed. [Cut to the Minivan. JACK PERKINS is in an airlock -- well, okay, it's the sliding side door -- with BOBO standing next to him, ready to eject. PEARL and the OBSERVER both have taken out a few bills and are about to plunk them down between each other.] OBSERVER: ...nine, ten simoleans! PEARL: You're on. [counts cash] JACK [*still* smiling]: I think this is wonderful! A bright, shining atmospheric re-entry! Just the sort of quality entertainment you deserve, right here on -- YAAAAAAA!! [JACK's cries fade as BOBO opens the door and pushes him out. ALL who remain head over to the window to watch him tumble. After a few seconds, there's a brief flash from where they're looking. BOBO clicks a palmed stopwatch.] BOBO: Six seconds. OBSERVER: Ha-haa! He lasted for six! I win! I -- PEARL [obviously miffed]: Okay, Bobo. He's next. Reset the watch. OBSERVER: ...er, I mean, *you* win...Lawgiver... [PEARL snatches the cash and cackles maniacally.] [FADE OUT.] Stinger: When I tried it on, the building exploded. _____________________ Steve "Scooter" Kramer == scooter@universe.digex.net | __/^\__ ,-^,|-------http://www.universe.digex.net/~scooter/------- |/~ \_ { / |-----http://www.kalevala.demon.co.uk/portcolice/----- \/\ |! |===================================================== The Grey Cup / / ) |___ "Let my glory be that I had such shall RETURN (_ \ \ / friends as these." to Baltimore! ~v^ ?_,-' -- W.B. Yeats