[SATELLITE OF LOVE - Mike is at the console wearing his Robin outfit from "Zombie Nightmare". Crow is dressed in his Secret Service get up - uh, also from "ZN". Gypsy is behind them.] MIKE: Did he say what he had in mind? CROW: Nope. Clammed up tighter than pantyhose on a vi- MIKE: [Hastily] Oh, hi! (aside) Crow, ix-nay! (to us) Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. Our own Tom Servo's asked us to dress in these ridiculous costumes again - heaven knows why. CROW: [Sniffing] Geez, Nelson, you smell like mothballs! Don't you ever do any laundry?!? MIKE: Look, I thought this was strictly a use-once costume, and - GYPSY: [sighs] MIKE: Gyps, you sure you're okay? [Gypsy opens her mouth to reveal a set of vicious-looking pointed choppers. Instead of her usual voice, all we get is a vague roaring sound] SERVO: [offstage] I'm coming, guys! MIKE: This'd better be good. [Tom enters. He has a greasy looking swatch of hair plastered over half his dome and a Chaplin's-Moustache-esque goatee painted below his mouth] CROW: Okay, Sparky, give with the details. MIKE: Yeah, what's this all about? GYPSY [roar] TOM: Simple, guys, we're giving a salute [drum roll, cymbal] to the summer films of 1997!! MIKE & CROW: Huh? TOM: Yes, a salute [drum roll, cymbal] to the summer films of 1997!! You, Nelson, are a living tribute to Chris O'Donnell, who gives such wonderful life to his portrayal of Robin in "Batman & Robin"! Crow, you represent the thrilling yet humorous look at alien paranoia shown in "Men in Black"! And Gypsy - who else but you, Gypsy, could bring to such shocking life the T-Rex so dominating Spielberg's Jurassic Sequel, "The Lost World"? CROW: And you, wit' da haircut, what's up wit all dat?!? TOM: Ah, that's the best part. I'm the villain in the early summer release "The Fifth Element". Call me: [Cambot zooms in on Tom] SERVO: [bad southern accent] Tom-Baptiste! [Cambot zooms in real close on Tom] SERVO: Emanuel!! [Cambot is now in Servo's face] SERVO: Servo!!! [Normal View] CROW: Uh-huh. MIKE: That's it? SERVO: Yep. Neat huh? I'm [Cambot zooms in on Tom] SERVO: [bad southern accent] Tom-Baptiste! [Cambot zooms in real close on Tom] SERVO: Emanuel!! [Cambot is now in Servo's face] SERVO: Servo!!! [Nor-mal VIEW] MIKE: Tom, admit it - you set this whole thing up just so you could get an extreme close-up. SERVO: What, you think I arranged all this just so I could say I was: [Cambot zooms in on Tom] SERVO: [bad southern accent] Tom-Baptiste! [Cambot zooms in real close on Tom] SERVO: Eman- MIKE: No, no stop! Cambot, give it a rest! [NOR-MAL VIEEEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!] SERVO: Mike! You're interrupting my scene! CROW: Tom - get help soon! MIKE: And put Gypsy's voice back like it was! GYPSY: [roar] TOM: [whining] Fine! I never get to have any fun around here! [lights flash] CROW: Hey, Boy Wonder - Mr. Freeze & Poison Ivy on line 4! [DEEP 13] DR. F: Hello, nertizens! Having a costume party? [SOL] MIKE: [removing the mask] Nah, just being subjected to one of Tom's whims [D13] DR. F: Hmmm, I always knew that boy had a knack for evil experiments! But it's nothing compared to what I'm about to inflict on you! It will be the defining moment of... PEARL: [offscreen] YEEEEOOOOWWWWCCCHHHH!!!!!! CLAYTON!!!!! What in *tarnation* is this?!? DR. F: Mother, I'm kind of busy here! PEARL: [enters with her shoes smoking] Never mind that! I've told you about leaving your experiments out unattended! Look at this, my Filas are all melted and sludgy now! DR. F: What are you talking about? PEARL: That rassin-frassin molten tar pit you've got started in the next room! DR. F: I didn't start any molten tar pit! PEARL: Well, it's there now, and *someone* owes me for a pair of sneakers! DR. F: Hmmm, interesting. Perhaps you can sue Mother Nature, muahaha- [stops when she gives him a murderous look] Um, well anyway, Nelson, I'm sending you & your cohorts another double dose of evil. You'll be getting a horribly overblown ad for some nothing movie no one's ever heard of, but first, a little cry for political reform. Enjoy, John Stuart Milletheads! PEARL: What about my shoes? DR. F: Oh, don't worry, the drying tar will seal them up just fine. [SOL - lights flash] [Cambot zooms in on all] ALL: Oh no! [Cambot zooms in real close] SERVO: We got!! [Cambot is now in everyone's face] SERVO: SPAM SIGN!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... o] MIKE: Lemme get that hair out of your eyes SERVO: Thanks CROW: Considering what we're about to see, I don't think he was doing you any favors >From: Brian Collar >Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc MIKE: Where every person counts for 33,333 others CROW: What does *that* mean? MIKE: It's a complex formula >Subject: NEW OPEN DEBATE FOUNDATION CROW: Now with added XG-50 for extra *extra* cleaning power! >Date: Sat, 15 Mar 1997 22:06:02 -0500 >Organization: Netcom >Lines: 77 SERVO: Short CROW: But sour >Message-ID: <332B639A.7079@ix.netcom.com> >Reply-To: bdcollar@ix.netcom.com MIKE: I hope it's just a really unfortunate coincidence that his e-mail address works out to be "BD Collar" >NNTP-Posting-Host: stp-fl8-31.ix.netcom.com >Mime-Version: 1.0 >X-NETCOM-Date: Sat Mar 15 9:19:34 PM CST 1997 >X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.0Gold (Win95; I) SERVO: Netscape version 5.0 - featuring Mozilla, Larryzilla & Curlyzilla MIKE: With optional Shempzilla plugin >Status: N > >A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N SERVO: Using unnecessary spaces since 1976! > >Dear friends of free elections: CROW: Hi! How's the weather there? > > As you may recall, many, many of us made a noble effort to >create an MIKE: Entirely new form of life >open debate for the 1996 presidential candidates. In less that one >month, we established an e-mail network of over 10,000 friends and, >thanks to them, CROW: We made money fast > our FAX-OUT Network reached over 2,000 sources. We >received press in many papers and were heard on many radio stations. SERVO: Sure, but so was the Macarena > Why >then did we fail ? MIKE: I'm sure the depressingly low quality of the available third-party candidates had nothing to do with it SERVO: Um - "Low Quality" as opposed to what? > Was it "too little, too late" ? SERVO: Or "too much, too soon"? CROW: Or "two candidates walk into a bar..."? > Yes. And when these foes combined with the power brokers of the >two-party guard, we failed. SERVO & CROW: [singing] Failure! Failure! He's such a failure! > Well, never again. SERVO: Yeah, screw it! Let someone else be a Patsy for Perot! > It is essential that we begin today for Election 2000. MIKE: Oh, great- just one more thing the computers won't be able to handle! > Indeed it >is the >single most important movement to which we can our commit ourselves. CROW: And by all means, we should commit ourselves! Or at least have a loved one do it for us! >If, every four years, we "third party" supporters jump into the ring to >challenge the Champion, SERVO: [Ali] I want Joe Frazier! I want Joe Frazier! > we will be beaten again and again. CROW: Oh, yes! Beat me again! Again! I've been a naught naughty candidate!! MIKE: Maybe that whole "BD Collar" name wasn't just an accident > The >Republicans and Democrats are professionals. [All snicker] CROW: Oh, where to begin with a statement like that? > They train for the "big >match" day in and day out. We "thirds" can afford to do no less and >when the day comes for the showdown, MIKE: [Western] We'll meet that ornry varmint at the gulch! > the American People must be given >accurate information if they are to choose the candidate which best >represents their perception on our nation. SERVO: Rambo Claus! > A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N SERVO: Promises wider words for everyone! >is the answer. Our mission is simple; MIKE: [Shatner] toexPLORE... STRANGE... newWORLDS! > To provide America's Voters with a >nationally televised Presidential Debate in which all candidates meeting >the Constitution's requirements may participate. CROW: *Sounds* reasonable MIKE: Until you realize this is the equivalent of turning the Presidential debates into the NCAA basketball playoffs > A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N SERVO: W i l l s t r e t c h y o u r w o r d p o w e r CROW: How'd you do that? SERVO: I dunno, but it's *fun*! >is to be multi-partisan: It will gain the support of all American's who >know that the answers to America's problems are found in the free CROW: ...AOL Disk that came with your copy of "Byte" magazine >exchange of ideas and that better leaders (than our present ones) are >being kept out. Although each party differs greatly, we have one >common enemy: CROW: The Narn? MIKE: The Cardassians? SERVO: The New York Yankees? > The Close-minded. CROW: This posting has been close-minded for the thinking impaired > A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N SERVO: G u a r a n t e e s m o r e w o r d s p a c i n g ! >needs you! There is much to do. WE MUST establish the Foundation itself MIKE: Sorry, fella, Asimov beat you to it >with representation from all national parties. WE MUST lay the ground >work. WE MUST create a strong internet presence complete with >autoresponder, FAX lists, chat and contacts. CROW: Because there may still be one person on the planet who doesn't get a dozen pieces of e-junkmail a day > WE MUST design printed, >fund-raising and marketing materials, establish a telephone contact MIKE: With the Psychic Friends Network > and >assign electronic staffing. WE MUST prepare the soil by establishing a SERVO: Mulch pile >network of like-minded Americans. Then, when all is in place, WE MUST ALL: WE MUST, WE MUST improve our bust! >make a memorable first impression. ALL: The bigger, the better, the tighter the sweater, the fellas will follow US! > If we are able to bring sufficient pressure upon the Commission CROW: We can turn it into a diamond, like Superman did! MIKE: Nicolas Cage? SERVO: Oh, thanks so much for bringing *that* up! >on >Presidential Debates to abandon its subjective criteria SERVO: And its common sense > and adopt the >purity of the US Constitution, then we are a success. If we are able to >pressure the Republicans and Democrats to participate in only those >Debates which represent all of America's Candidates, CROW: America's Candidates! The generic Wal-Mart alternative to those expensive name-brand candidiates! > then we are >a success. If we must purchase network time, rent the hall and present >the debate ourselves, then we are a success. MIKE: If we trumpet our plan in inappropriate newsgroups, then we are a success > How then can we loose ? Simple, if you and yours do not become SERVO: ...part of us and ours ALL: JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US! >involved today this will NOT come to be. And, as a result, we will >suffer, election after election, a repeat of the past. CROW: Just stay off the radishes, that'll help > Do these two things: > 1 ~ E-mail me and, at least, SUBSCRIBE to further mailings. > Better yet, share your ideas AND pledge your involvement. MIKE: And I promise not to sell your e-mail address for quick cash. Really! > 2 ~ Forward - Forward - Forward and Post - Post - Post SERVO: Try Libbys - Libbys - Libbys on the label - label - label CROW: You will like it - like it - like it on your table - table - table > this notice anywhere and everywhere. MIKE: Spam the torpedoes, full steam ahead! > > We can do this ! Time and determination is our ally for 2000 >and CROW: One, a Space Odyssey MIKE: My God, it's full of marginal candidates! >beyond. If you are already obligated to another project, please find >time to give something to this. CROW: Time to make a living and raise a family? SLACKER! WHERE'S YOUR COMMITMENT?!? > If you do nothing else, do the one thing >which will take us further than ANY OTHER effort: MIKE: Give us a lift to Cleveland, will ya? My brother-in-law'll pay you when we get there > Support > A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N SERVO: U s e e x t r a s p a c e s i n a l l y o u r w o r d s ! W a s t e b a n d w i d t h p r o d i g i o u s l y ! ! > I look forward to hearing from you. > >Yours in Liberty: MIKE: And Equality SERVO: And Fraternity CROW: And the Phi Gamma Mu Sorority > >~ Brian L. Collar, CROW: Kills both ticks and fleas! > Founder MIKE: *Shapeshifter!* >America's Open Debate Foundation SERVO: HE ABANDONED THE SPACES!!! Oh, my faith is crushed yet again! MIKE: You're young, yet - you'll get over it. CROW: Hey, let's split! [All leave] [o... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6] [SOL - Mike & the bots are poring over a huge grid like the NCAA uses to chart its unwieldy playoff field. The thing's been scribbled over with about a dozen colors of marker, and extensions are taped, stapled & glued on] MIKE: Now the Democrats and the Republicans get a bye in the first round, is that right? CROW: Exactly, along with the Libertarians and United We Stand. The Republicans face the winner of the Socialist Workers/Dixiecrat debate, the Dems get the winner of the Progressive/Greens - SERVO: Hold it, hold it - we've already got the Perotnistas facing the American Independents in the first round MIKE: I really thought they were debating the Whigs GYPSY: No, the Whigs have the Know-Nothings first thing MIKE: Ah! CROW: Okay, so, no prob - we move the American Independent Party to the Southeastern bracket, where they debate the candidate for the Vegetarian party, and... SERVO: Wait a minute, I thought the Vegetarian candidate was in the West division, debating the Citizens' Party MIKE: No, you moved the Citizen's candidate to the Big East slot, which means they have to take on the Peace & Freedom candidate. GYPSY: That's the Freedom & Peace party candidate. SERVO: No, they're scheduled to open against the American Communist Party. CROW: Nope, the Commies are taking on the late Pat Paulson, and the Peace and - no wait, the late Pat Paulson debates the late Harold Stasson, and the Commies do Lyndon LaRouche! Uh-uh, no, um... MIKE: Oh, forget it guys, there are just too many splinter factions, minor parties, and weirdoid independents to do this right! CROW: But what about what the B&D Collar said about the third party candidates not getting any exposure. MIKE: Well, he's probably right, but even so - GYPSY: Even so, there has to be a way to filter the Nuke-the-Whalers from the ones who actually have a long shot at pulling an upset. MIKE: Exactly! And there's this, too - even with just the two candidates, almost nobody watches the current debates anyway! You factor in a bunch of people with negative recognition factors, and the only thing that'll score lower viewer numbers is reruns of "Pauly"! [All shudder] CROW: I suppose you're right. Still, there has to be a fairer way! MIKE: Yeah, but this isn't it. GYPSY: How about asking the public to find out all they can about the candidates and their positions, then make an informed choice? [They all ponder it for a minute] ALL: NAAAAAHHHH!!!! [Lights flash] ALL: OH NO!! WE GOT MORE-SPAM SIGN!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... o] >From: agent@agent.com CROW: Hey, Michael Ovitz's got his own domain! MIKE: Disney gave it to him so he'd go away >Newsgroups: alt.tv.rockford-files MIKE: [James Garner] Hi, this is Jim Rockford. I can't come to the phone, but leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you. *Beep* SERVO: [Falsetto] Jim?!? It's me, Mariette Hartley. Why haven't you been returning any of my calls, you beef-eatin' sunnuva - >Subject: ***WHO IS AGENT ACTION!?*** SERVO: Merritt Stone? MIKE: Christopher Chance? CROW: Penry, the mild-mannered janitor? >Date: Wed, 2 Apr 1997 08:51:27 >Organization: Concentric Internet Services SERVO: [singing] Spinning wheels, got to go 'round... >Lines: 219 CROW: Suddenly, I kinda miss that ol' B&D Collar >Message-ID: <5hu060$epb@chronicle.concentric.net> >NNTP-Posting-Host: cnc012031.concentric.net >Status: N > >1 MIKE: [Singing] Singular sensation, every little move you make... > ** "CLONING" MOVIE MAY PROVOKE THEATER RIOTS! ** MIKE: Ovine Liberation Front picket line turns nasty! SERVO: Sheep threaten to eat all grass in the city! CROW: Thousands of lambs stage sit-in: mint jelly sales skyrocket! > > Anticipation is so high for the new sci-fi action movie AGENT ACTION! that > international theater owners are worried. SERVO: They might actually have to screen it before rejecting it. > Some feel their venues may be > the magnet for riots. MIKE: The great "We Want Our Money Back" uprising of 1997 > One of the movies main themes is human cloning. > With cloning as a red-hot topic and the movies anticipated big budget look > with gorgeous nude US playmates, CROW: And wait'll you see what the guys at ILM have done with them!!! > the number of moviegoers is predicted to > be record breaking! MIKE: Most number of empty theaters for one film? CROW: Yeah, pretty much > > AGENT ACTION! is reported SERVO: Though not yet confirmed > to be a sci-fi flick in the secret agent "Bond" > Style. It sports exotic locations, impressive cinematography, and the > aforementioned naked, big-breasted actresses. MIKE: Remember, look for naked, big-breasted actresses at finer cloning movies near you! > (Including Erika Olsen / > Playboy Mar 97) The movie stars and is directed by charismatic and multi CROW: Tasking? > talented new leading man William Blair. It features celebrity guest > villains CROW: The return of Milton Berle as Lavender Louie SERVO: Zsa-Zsa Gabor as Minerva MIKE: Julie Newmar as Catwoman CROW: Oh, and thanks for everything > and co-stars the talented Jerry Lee Kmiec. MIKE: Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of - um - Kmiec? > > AGENT ACTION! is currently in the middle of a heated bidding war by > international distributors. SERVO: Yeah, they're hoping for a "friendly fire" incident! > The winner may have more than just an ordinary > hit on its hands. SERVO: It may have a debacle that proves to be the next "Waterworld" MIKE: Actually, "Waterworld" did a respectable overseas business SERVO: Yeah, and Mickey Rourke is hot in France, what's your point?!? > It may have the milestone catalyst of an international event. CROW: Agent Action! - almost as much fun as a border incursion! > >*************************************************************************** SERVO: [Roger Rabbit] Look - stars! I'm ready for my scene, Raoul! > >2 > > OSCAR PICK FAVE FOR 97 ? AGENT ACTION! MIKE: And the award for nakedest, biggest-breasted actresses in a cloning motion picture goes to - "AGENT ACTION!" > > Talk for the next Oscars has already started. And the news is overwhelming > for one film: SERVO: "Anaconda"? CROW: "Leprechaun IV: Runt of Death"? MIKE: "Ma and Pa Kettle Meet Frankenstein's Accountant"? > AGENT ACTION! CROW: Oh, that was my next choice. > > What "ACTION" seems to have is what the current Oscar picks lacked: MIKE: The potential to go direct-to-video > both > great directing, great acting, and great writing all in one. CROW: You mean it's got both those three? > And the lions > credit is SERVO: MGM > aimed at one man; multi -talented star and director William > Blair.l CROW: Blair.l, son of Jor.l, you *will* bow down before me! > Insiders are predicting Blair may receive the most multiple Oscar wins > ever: As best actor, best director, and best writer. SERVO: But not Best Brains. MIKE: *Definitely* not Best brains CROW: ABSOLUTELY not Best Brains > What's more: as > producer and special effects director of photography consultant: he might > also nab the best picture Oscar and cinematography Oscars, too! SERVO: He's also in line for best screenplay, best original song, best costume design, the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award, and a special Lifetime Achievement award - all for AGENT ACTION! > Can Blair > and MIKE: Tootie? > AGENT ACTION! pull off this unprecedented feat? CROW: Is the Pope Methodist? MIKE: Does a wild bear perform Beethoven in the woods? > > It would certainly be a day for the all time record books. CROW: The day the most Academy members simultaneously went bonkers! > Of course this > is just speculation at this point. One thing is certain, though, SERVO: Taxes CROW: What about death? SERVO: That all depends on one's metaphysical condition, not to mention the individual's belief system, and - MIKE: Save it for Philosophy 101, guys > 1997 is > the year for moviegoers to enjoy AGENT ACTION! SERVO: Using big bonfires! > > >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >3 MIKE: [singing] Is a magic number. Yes it is, it's a magic number. > > CAN AGENT ACTION! CRUSH SCHWARZENEGGER? CROW: Are we talking about the "Predator"/"T2"/"Twins" Arnie or the "Last Action Hero"/"Junior"/"Jingle All The Way" Arnie? > > > One fact seems clear: SERVO: The square of the hypotenuse *is* equal to the sum of the squares of the opposite sides > William Blair is the world's hot new action star! > Not only that, he appears to be a CROW: Figment of our imagination? SERVO: We can wish > World-Class director as well. It is > this multi-talent capability- and freshness- MIKE: Agent Action! - the Freshmaker! > that has Schwarzeneger and > Stallone scared - yes, the world seems to be saying, replace these old > fogies with new talent! CROW: We've replaced Sylvester Stallone with a golem made of Folger's Crystals - let's see if the audience notices. > > William Blair, and AGENT ACTION! seem to be the cure for the movie goers > case of tired old action star Blues! SERVO: Isn't that what Bruce Willis wears in those "Die Hard" movies? > Arnold / Sly - next stop is the old > folks rest home for you! MIKE: This just in: William Blair will soon be marrying both Maria Shriver and Bridgite Nielson! > > We're William Blair fans now! Long live # 1 action star William Blair! - > AGENT ACTION! SERVO: Agent-Action-is-much-better-than-cats-I-will-see-it-again-and-again > >/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// CROW: Murray! The lawn needs mowing! > >4 > > SEX, NUDITY, AND AGENT ACTION! CROW: One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong! > > For the many curious to see big breasted naked actresses in AGENT ACTION!, MIKE: Just cut to the chase and rent "Playboy's Sexy Lingerie" instead SERVO: I bet you've rented that several times yourself, huh, Mike? MIKE: Just a couple, actua- hey, that's noneya! > - there is good news. MIKE: The buzzards have returned to Hinkley! > A preview/trailer is now reportedly in the cutting > stages. SERVO: If any of it survives, it wasn't cut enough > This minute and a half of selected scenes should wet the palate > of the curious. ALL: EWW-W-W-W-W-W-W!!!!!! > > AGENT ACTION!, a "Bond" type thriller set in the near future, CROW: Next Sunday, AD? SERVO: If my arms worked, I'd whap you! > is highly > anticipated. It reportedly features the aforementioned Big breasted > actresses ( including Erika Olsen/ Playboy Mar 97 ) among several other > ravishing beauties. MIKE: How many wanna bet the nekkid wimmin is the only selling point this cinematic dustbin has going for it? SERVO: I bet it's the sole reason it got made! CROW: Like another film I remember with horror SERVO: Let's just hope there's no nightie wrestling MIKE: [Torgo] I dOn'T tHiNk I rEmEmBeR sEeInG tHaT oNe! > The movie is said to star and be directed by multi talented new leading > man William Blair. SERVO: Of course this may just be a rumor, since William Blair doesn't actually exist > Celebrity guest villains round out the colorful cast. SERVO: Mark Hamil as The Trickster MIKE: Howie Mandel as Mr. Mxyzptlk CROW: David Warner as The Lobe! > > The movie apparently also features lush exotic locations from around the > world. CROW: Meaning he didn't mow his back yard before breaking out his Super-8 > Excellent cinematography and a tight nit SERVO: Lice-infected? > thriller story MIKE: Thingy Deal > round out > this highly anticipated production. > > This is probably the most anticipated movie on the planet today. And the > thought of a trailer - MIKE: Like the double-wide William Blair lives in > possibly soon downloadable on the net - is > fantastic. But hurry please! The wait is almost more than curious movie > buffs can bear! SERVO: PLZ SEND N00D BUFF AJENT AKSHUN TRALER P1X THANKX!! CROW: That was a pretty good "B1FF" SERVO: Bleah! Got any Listerine? > > >*************** ////////////////////// ******************** /////////////// CROW: Y'know, variety is one thing, but this is just starting to get down- right irritating! > >5 > > JAPANESE "ABREAST" OF AGENT ACTION! MIKE: [Dully] Ha ha. Stop. Please. I can't take the wackiness. > > Tokyo. SERVO: Rose MIKE: Pop CROW: Express > If there's one group of moviegoers clamoring to see AGENT ACTION! MIKE: Somebody let us know! Please! We're desperate! > - It's the Japanese. They certainly have a yen SERVO: See, they have a "yen", 'cause they're Japanese, and - and - it's just funny! *Laugh!* LAUGH!!!!!! > for big breasted naked > blondes - and AGENT ACTION! will supply that - and more! CROW: For example, racial stereotyping! > > Nippon theater owners apparently are in a rare fight to obtain the first > prints of AGENT ACTION! It is said to be the most anticipated movie in > the Orient. MIKE: So in addition to Sly & Arnie, William Blair is going to try and send Jackie Chan and Chow Yun Fat to the "old folks rest home" SERVO: Which will lead to William Blair going to the "Every Bone In His Body Broken In Twelve Places rest home"! > > >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- SERVO: [Does flying saucer fx] >6 CROW: Aah! It's 1/111 of the beast! > > WHY DOES AGENT ACTION FEATURE NUDE BREASTS? MIKE: It was that secret trip to Denmark > > 'Cause Secret Agents love them! How could Sean Connery, Roger Moore, or > Pierce Brosnan battle villains without a little jiggle? SERVO: [Connery] Do you expect me to talk?!? CROW: [Goldfinger] No, Mr.Bond, I expect you to JIGGLE!! > And the same > goes for new Agent extraordinaire William Blair - AGENT ACTION! MIKE: Yeah, and so's your old man! > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ CROW: That's it: think positive! > >7 MIKE: Now *that* wasn't a bad movie CROW: But did it feature naked big breasted actresses and William Blair? MIKE: Well, no, but - CROW: Then don't even bring it up! > > RUSH - SERVO: Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot CROW: Al Franken is a Pretentious Little Twit MIKE: The "fence-straddling" sketch, ladies and gentlemen! > FOR WORLD WIDE RELEASE > > IS AGENT ACTION! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE? > > > Film fans, critics, and cinephiles the world over are engaged in a heated > debate. MIKE: Pauly Shore: Threat - or Menace?!? > Is the new Sci-fi action film AGENT ACTION! the greatest movie > ever made? SERVO: Sure, if you don't count any of the others! > > Opposition is fierce. Names such as Welles, Kubrick, Scorsese, Spielberg, CROW: Bah! I bet they've never even done *one* cloning movie! > and Oliver Stone are of course getting huge support. SERVO: Support Oliver Stone! Send your lithium donation today! > > Movies such as Citizen Kane, 2001, Goodfellas, ET, and Platoon are being > heralded as the all time champs. MIKE: What, no votes for "Gone With the Wind"? SERVO: "Battleship Potemkin"? CROW: "The Wizard of Oz"? SERVO: "Casablanca"? MIKE: "Star Wars"? CROW: "Police Academy IV: Citizens on Patrol"? > > And yet, the new found furor won't subside. AGENT ACTION! now has its own > legions of rising vocal fans. SERVO: How many people in a "legion", anyway? MIKE: I think, in this case, "one" > And its star/ director William Blair is > receiving the lion's share of the credit. CROW: [Bert Lahr] C'mon, put 'em up! I'll fight ya wit' Agent Action tied behind my back! > > Can this new group of fans, of a movie not yet even released be right? Can > the few purportedly bootlegged copies of an advance rough cut be enough > proof? Is AGENT ACTION! such a highly commendable piece of celluloid? SERVO: Gentlemen, this shard of glass from the construction site has convinced me that the new Ramada Inn North will be the GREATEST BUILDING IN THE HISTORY OF ARCHITECTURE!!! > > History be damned these new fans seem to be saying. CROW: Henry Ford said 'History is bunk'! MIKE: Yeah, but have you driven a Ford lately? > Forget the work of > the "old fogies", William Blair Is the brilliant purveyor of cinema's > future! CROW: Billy Bob Thornton? Kenneth Branagh? Forget those punks - get me the great William Blair! > > And AGENT ACTION! is proof - at 24 frames per living color second! MIKE: "Agent Action!" - the movie that gets Jim Carrey drunk! > >=============================================================== > >8 > SEX, ROMANCE, AND AGENT ACTION - WILLIAM BLAIR! SERVO: And if that doesn't kill all romantic desire, nothing will > > Girls, Good News - CROW: [Twin Peaks dwarf] thaT guM yoU likE iS goinG tO comE bacK iN stylE MIKE: Geez, I wish you'd quit doing that CROW: i'lL stoP iF yoU wilL MIKE: [Torgo] I dOn'T hAvE aNy IdEa WhAt YoU'rE tAlKiNg AbOuT! CROW: oH, buT I thinK yoU dO! SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > William Blair is single! CROW: There's only one of him - thank heavens! > Yes the 6 ft, 185 lb leading > man is available! SERVO: For weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, and VFW dances > And if his blue eyes don't get you - his charming and > suave manner will! Check him out in AGENT ACTION! MIKE: But remember, there's a late fee of 20 cents a day! > Then in his exciting > new upcoming feature THE RIDE! CROW: The next film in his ENDS! WITH! EXCLAMATION! POINTS! series > >((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ALL: RADAR!! > >9 SERVO: Number nine... number nine... > > WAR! - SERVO: What is good for? CROW: Absolutely nothin' MIKE: Say it again! > BIDDING BATTLE BREWING MIKE: Boffo Battling Bids Break Barometric Barriers! SERVO: Bronco-Bustin' Bidder Brews Bloody Big Brouhaha! CROW: Big Brucie Boxleitner Battles Barbara "Biddin' Betty" Babcock! > > Major movie distributors are sharpening their pens. Agents and Lawyers > are taking sides. Telephone faxes are arming for duty. ALL: [Hum "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again"] > > Why? For the bloody battle over the international distribution rights to > AGENT ACTION! SERVO: Loser takes all > > The movie world landscape is now upside down. How? MIKE: The HAB Theory! > Witness ancient > releases like Star Wars now doing first run BlockBuster business. Plus > expensive new releases are bombing. SERVO: Mainly because most of those "expensive new releases" are almost as silly as this! CROW: And they don't have them naked big-breasted actresses! > With this confusion its a new war out > there. CROW: [British] It's a bloody war, lads, but it's the only war we've got! > And formerly defended movie turf is up for grabs! MIKE: Yeah, the Crips have taken over Dreamworks, while the Sharks and the 18th Street Ninjas are dukin' it out on the Disney main lot! > > Which studio army can capture the anticipated blockbuster AGENT ACTION!? SERVO: And could they ignore the Geneva Convention after doing so? > > Will it be a major battaliion force like UNIVERSAL? Of can a rising > guierrila army CROW: [Heston] You damn *dirty* APES!!!! > like Miramax or Gramercy capture the goods? MIKE: After "Barb Wire", I wouldn't be a bit surprised! > > No one can predict the battle's outcome yet. But one victor is certain: SERVO: Lawyers > the Audience. The World Audience - CROW: You - the audience at home: what do *you* think? > millions of popcorn and action loving > troops who will be the happy victors as they embrace viewing AGENT ACTION! > > >^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ MIKE: They've cloned dozens of tiny Paramounts! SERVO: This is a job for - ALL: AGENT ACTION!! >10 > > WILLIAM BLAIR - TRUE INDEPENDENT - NOT SUNDANCE ASS- KISSER CROW: So, to sum up - "William Blair" SERVO: Just in case you missed it the first 20,000 times > > While most Independent filmmakers nowadays are just shameless ass kissers > - of Sundance "god" Robert Redford, William Blair stands alone. CROW: [singing] Heigh-Ho, the dairy-o, the cheese stands alone! > > The so called Independent movie movement is sickening. Independent - > Independent of what? MIKE: The Redcoats? SERVO: [singing] I say vote yes - vote yes - vote for independency! CROW: Sit down, John! > > Most of these films are undisguised "auditions" for studio jobs. And the > cast lists of these movies look exactly like their Studio cousins: Tori > Spelling for godsakes! SERVO: Well, sure, I can - der hey? CROW: Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling, and Tori Spelling, starring in "Valley of the Dolls" MIKE: Now *there's* a cloning movie we could do without! > > And most of these butt-kiss directors need to start living a life - SERVO: Or at least start using mouthwash regularly! > rather > than patterning these grotesque homages to angst populated by the ever > tiring Steve Buscemi CROW: Oh, his artwork on X-Men wasn't that bad! SERVO: You're thinking of John *Buscema*! > ( Whoever said this guy could act? ) MIKE: Me CROW: Me SERVO: Me CROW: That's 3-1 for Stevie B. > > The real barfola however, is how the "intelligensia" and "psuedo hip" are > pronouncing Oscar kudos on these lightweight nothing movies. CROW: The fact that he misspelled "intelligentsia" should tell you he probably doesn't qualify as one MIKE: Still, it's not often you get to see the words "intelligensia" and "barfola" in the same sentence > > Lets face if folks: Ransom was a much better film than Fargo. Wake up > you morons. CROW: [Marge] There's no cause to get snippy here, Mr. Blair. > Can anyone even sit through Fargo twice without falling into > a deep coma. SERVO: Can anyone sit this post *once* without the urge to toss it into a woodchipper?!? MIKE: [Fargo Deputy] You readin' morea' that Action Agent thing, down there, chief? SERVO: [Marge] No, I just think I'm gonna barf! MIKE: Geez! > > And last years Spitfire Grill - what a joke that was! CROW: [Brak] Hey, why did the Spitfire Grill cross the road? *It didn't, it's a grill, ya' dummy!* Ho, boy! Hey, thanks, a lot! > It had all the > thrills and technique of a bad TV movie of the week! SERVO: In other word, a TV movie of the week. > > Is there hope? Damn tootin! MIKE: "Tootin"? C'mon. CROW: I want my mummy! SERVO: Egypt ya real good there! > > And my vote for movie of the year is AGENT ACTION! It cuts the sprocket > holes off CROW: And we all know how painful that can > those "independent" lemming-ized ass-kisser movies . SERVO: I don't remember any movies about kissing lemmings' asses last year MIKE: But I have a horrible feeling we just gave David Lynch the idea! > > > > >/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// CROW: Murray! The Lawn still needs mowing! > > > > MIKE: And the whole thing just kinda dissolves! CROW: Better it than us! SERVO: Let's us dissolve on outta here! [All Leave] [o... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6] [SOL - Mike & Tom are standing at the console] MIKE: "The Flood"? SERVO: Without a doubt MIKE: "Face Off"? SERVO: Absolutely MIKE: "Trial and Error"? SERVO: Michael Richards's fake lawyer movie? Sure MIKE: "Buddy"? SERVO: Hmmm - is that the one with Rene Russo and the gorilla? MIKE: Yep SERVO: Uhhhhhhhh - yes MIKE: So you don't think there's any movie that can't outperform this so-called "Agent Action"? SERVO: Let's put it this way: if someone were to do a sequel to "Barb Wire", let Joe Esterhaus write it, Roger Corman direct it, and recast Pamela Lee's part with Roseanne, "Agent Action!" *might* beat it! MIKE: But how can we tell if we don't know get a chance to see it? [Crow enters] CROW: I think I can help you there, Mikey. MIKE: How? CROW: Oh, I was just out cruisin' the old information superhighway, not doin' anything in particular, y'know - SERVO: Got your butt kicked at "Boogers" again, huh? CROW: *No-o-o-o-o!!!* Anyway, I ran across a clip from the much-vaunted trailer to William Blair's little trip into movieland MIKE: Really?!!? How is it? CROW: Haven't seen it yet - I thought I'd share the experience MIKE: Oh, OK - Cambot roll that [Cut to a really jumpy scene of Agent Action (Paul Chaplin), wearing a blue shirt, standing in what is obviously someone's yard.] AA!: Hey, *I'm* Agent Action! [Same scene, with Paul now wearing a green shirt and facing the other way] AA!: No, *I'm Agent Action! [First scene] AA!: Why, you! [thrusts his fist forward] [Second scene - someone's fist in a plaid shirt taps Paul's chin] AA!: Ooof! [falls down] [First scene] AA!: Well, I guess I showed him! WOMAN: [offscreen] Oh, Agent Action! - I'm naked and my breasts are big! AA!: In a minute, doll - I gotta save the world! [runs off] [SOL - everyone looks horribly taken aback] MIKE: Well - that was wretched! SERVO: I take back everything I ever said about "Monster-a-go-go"! CROW: I hope we don't wind up watching this MIKE & SERVO: CROW!! CROW: What?!?! SERVO: Don't give Dr. Feelbad any ideas! MIKE: For certain! Just give us the info! CROW: Yeah, sure. To sign up on the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail message to majordomo@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the message "subscribe dibslist []" in the message body. Read the FAQ, don't work blue, yaddayaddayadda. [lights flash] MIKE: So what about you guys? [D13 - Dr.F & Pearl are hiding behind a barricade. On the other side is what looks like a lump of plastic with red & orange lights inside. It's hissing and steaming as it slowly advances] DR. F: Well, you survived again. I'll have to take care of that later, but at the moment, we have an eensy bit of a problem down here! PEARL: Clayton, it's hot in here DR. F: Well, take another hit of Evian, mother! As you can see, our little tar pit has turned into a full-fledged geological event, and unless we can find some way to stop it... PEARL: Clayton - look! [Kevin Murphy strolls on, dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt] PEARL: *Tommy Lee Jones!!!* DR. F: Oh, big deal, mother, what can he - TLJ: [pointing at lava flow] Cut it out!! [Instantly, the hissing and steaming stop, and the lava starts to flow backward] DR. F: What?!? But - but how? TLJ: Professional courtesy, fella - one force of nature to another [nods and walks off] PEARL: [staring raptly] Wow! DR. F: Ahhh, nature, shmature! PEARL: Oh, Tommy - I have a costume like Debi Mazar wore, wanna see? [runs off after him] DR. F: Ah, well, at least he got Ma out of my hair for a little bit. Until next time, my little lava bombs! [pushes button and...] *FWOOOOSH!!!* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW OPEN DEBATE FOUNDATION: by Brian D. Collar ***WHO IS AGENT ACTION!?***: by "agent@agent.com" MiSTING: by Bill Livingston BILL LIVINGSTON: by Mr. & Mrs. Livingston LUNCH: by Pizza Hut SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS: by the Sea Shore AUSTIN POWERS: International Man of Mystery THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Siegel & Shuster, "Freakazoid!", and creamy peanut butter. All characters used here are copyright their respective creators and/or owners. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. But you knew that already, right? Remember, use only genuine "Interociter"¨ parts Keep circulating the posts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Wake up > you morons.