[enter DR. F.] Greetings, ratmm disciples! Glad to see you're still spreading your evil around USENET. [chuckles] Just wanted to give you an intro to what you're about to read -- it's Amy's first Misting, so go easy on her. [laughs hysterically] Oh... that's a good one. Rip her to shreds! Be merciless! It's a Star Wars/Star Trek crossover, and it... well, you'll see. Suffice it to say it's at least 10% pure evil. It's Regency and X-Files, with a dose of Forster thrown in for good measure -- that's E.M., not Dr. C. Oh, and one of the host segments is a blatant rip-off of something that other guy did... during "Space Travellers," I think it was. [chuckles again] Enjoy, pink boys and girls! [exit DR. F.] [lights up on the SOL. MIKE, CROW, and TOM are all standing behind the counter, dressed in high-necked, goofy-pantsed Regency gear.] MIKE: Ah, I swear I have never seen a lass as fair and toothsome as our fair Gypsy. The appearance of her makes my heart pound with passion. TOM: Oh, the raptures of life with sweet Gypsy! Never more shall mine heart beat in solitary... er... solitude. Yeah. CROW: Uh... forsooth. [GYPSY enters. She is wearing a pale pink empire-waisline dress, showing plenty of decolletage somehow. She has a wig on -- black, with spiral curls around her face, pulled up in the back. In other words, she's straight out of A&E's "Pride and Prejudice."] GYPSY: I swoon. [MIKE suddenly notices that CAMBOT is recording the whole embarrassing thing for posterity.] MIKE: Oh... uh... hello there, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. We just noticed how recently there's been a sudden upsurge in movies based on Jane Austen novels, so we decided to try out a skit. It's an educational experience for the 'bots, see, and -- CROW: And Mike really wanted to wear those pants with the back drawer in the front. MIKE: Did not. CROW: Did too. [Mads light begins to blink.] TOM: Boys, Mr. Darcy is calling. MIKE: Oh. [hits light] [D13] DR. F: Good afternoon, Bingley, 'botlings. I hope you're enjoying the Mentos I sent up... [looks puzzled suddenly]. Er... Nelson, I hate to be a downer, but did you get dressed in the dark this morning? And since when have you needed a rear door in your pants? Last time I saw one of those, it was on Frank's bunny jammies. [SOL] [MIKE is hastily zipping up his jumpsuit] MIKE: Just a little educational experience, sir. CROW: Get this cravat off me, would you? I think I'm gonna choke. TOM: Yeah, you try getting dressed in Regency gear without functioning arms. GYPSY: You guys are wimps. [D13] DR. F: Well, well, you indulge in your little fantasies if it makes you feel better. It shouldn't, you know. You're still going to have to sit through today's experiment. [SOL] [MIKE is trying to pull Tom's jacket off. CROW is making gagging noises. GYPSY looks on.] MIKE: Hold still,willya? I can't get it off with you squirming like that. TOM: I can't breathe! The walls are closing in! This is it! I'm going to the great Satellite of Love in the sky! MIKE: I got news for you, buddy. You're already there. CROW: Ack! [D13] DR. F: [looking impatient] Well? Don't you want to know about today's experiment? [SOL] [It's complete chaos now. CROW is lying on the counter, flailing and choking. MIKE is attempting to unknot CROW's cravat. TOM is naked except for GYPSY's wig, which has somehow ended up on his head. GYPSY still watches.] TOM: Ah, sweet freedom! Mike, how come you humans wear these silly clothes anyway? MIKE: Because vacuuming naked can be painful. CROW: ACK! MIKE: Tom, would you go find that Fisher Price Paramedic Kit Crow found the other day and bring it here? Charge up the defibrillator while you're at it. TOM: What for? He's a robot, remember? Give him a couple of RAM chips, he'll be fine. CROW: Will not! [gags] [D13] DR. F: I will not be ignored! [SOL] [Some semblance of calm has been restored. CROW lies on the counter, gasping faintly, collar open.] CROW: The... light... such... a bright... light... MIKE: It's okay, buddy. You're here on the Satellite, remember? CROW: And I thought it was just a horrible near-death experience. [D13] DR. F: [truly enraged now] Near death? You want near death?! I'll give you near death! Here it comes! A Star Wars/Star Trek crossover fanfic. [SOL] [All stare at CAMBOT in horror.] MIKE: No! TOM: You fiend! CROW: You wouldn't! GYPSY: Richard Basehart! [D13] DR. F: [chuckles evilly] Of course I would! Actually, plot-wise, it isn't bad, but what it lacks in pure badness of plot and grammar, it makes up for in weird formatting and hackneyed characters. So enjoy, Vader-bait! [pushes the button] [Movie sign] MIKE: Aaaaah! We got movie sign! TOM: AAAAAHH! CROW: You're not my father! 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... * [enter theater] >~ >Copyright 1993 by Adam B. Colby > >This is authorized for unlimited distribution as long as this message >is attached. There is a postscript file for this as well. I strongly >recommend it if you have the means to print it. This file was just >turned into text via MacWrite II. CROW: GAH! TOM: Dear lord. MIKE: Strap in boys, we're in for a rough one. >If anyone has more time on their >hands than I do, please feel free to add hard returns to this and >distribute it that way. MIKE: Uh, sorry, but uh, we have to uh... wash our hair. Yeah. CROW: [whispering] Mike, we don't have hair. MIKE: Quiet. >If any one would like a Macintosh copy of >this file, binhexed etc., email me at: > >alecks@hardy.u.washington.edu MIKE: Hardy U! Where the men are men, and the women are, too. >any other questions can be directed there as well. TOM: What... is your name? CROW: What... is your quest? MIKE: What... is your favorite color? >Also, if anyone is smarter than I am and can post to the net, TOM: [chuckling] Oh, he just left himself *wide* open there. >feel free. I'm not entirely sure that I have posting privileges, either >that or I'm just stupid. CROW: [Shatneresque] Must... not... riff on... easy... targets... >Enjoy...... ALL: [scared, a la Spaceballs] Thank you. ************************************************** TOM: It's full of stars! >...A Galaxy Not So Far Away CROW: But ma, it's just around the corner! MIKE: There is still no way I'm going to allow you into a strange galaxy by yourself, young man! >By Adam B. Colby > >A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... > >It was a difficult time for the rebellion. MIKE: She'd just broken up with her boyfriend and was having feelings of low self-esteem. >Battles were taking place >against Imperial forces all over the galaxy. > >Luke Skywalker, the last of the Jedi Knights along with his friends TOM: He wouldn't be the *last* in that case, would he? >had just successfully rescued their friend and Alliance Hero, General >Han Solo MIKE: Our friend, Alliance hero, and all around great guy... General Han Solo! ALL: [wild applause] >from the clutches of the wretched gangster Jabba the Hutt. > >The Heroes of the Alliance are heading to Sullust CROW: Now I could see spending my vacation there! MIKE: You don't get vacation. CROW: It's a nice thought, though... >after a run in with >Imperial forces on Ord Yantell for an important briefing. MIKE: Important briefing, my foot. They're just going to tell him he's going to have to start paying for his own pop. TOM: Soda. MIKE: Pop. TOM: Soda. MIKE: Pop. CROW: Gentlemen? If you don't mind.... MIKE: Sorry. TOM: Sorry. CROW: I'll have a root beer. > * * * > > "Threepio! Is the nav computer online yet?" Han Solo shouted >over his shoulder at the golden droid who was trying to fix the >computer and keep his balance at the same time. CROW: Multitasking! > "Almost General Solo," TOM: And yet, not *quite* General Solo. >another blast shook the __Millenium >Falcon__ and Threepio nearly fell into Princess Leia's arms as she >staggered into the cockpit. "Sir, the nav computer is back online >and..." CROW: Haven't I seen this scene somewhere before? TOM: Yeah. "The Empire Strikes Back." MIKE: I think it was in "Star Wars," too. > "Chewie start making the calculations for the jump to >hyperspace." Han flipped a comm switch on the control panel, "Luke, >bring 'em in a little closer. The __Falcon__'s jammer isn't what it >used to be, and I don't want the Imperials to hear these coordinates." MIKE: [as storm trooper] Ah, sir, it appears they're heading for the rest stop off Exit 68. > "On our way," Luke Skywalker's voice crackled over the speaker. > "How's Lando?" He asked over his shoulder. > "He doesn't look good," the Leia replied. "I can't tell, but I >don't think he'll make it much longer." CROW: His career! It's barely responding! TOM: Dammit, I *told* him those Colt .45 commercials were a bad idea! Clear! > Luke Skywalker and Wedge Antilles knocked out some final TIE >fighters and punched it to the side of the _Falcon_. MIKE: That can't be good for hull integrity. > * * * > "They won't get away this time, Lord Vader I assure you," >Captain Drekker said to the Dark Lord behind him. > "I hope not, Captain Drekker for your sake," Vader warned. CROW: This dialog sounds familiar, too. TOM: Yeah, it's from "Star Wars." MIKE: And "The Empire Strikes Back." TOM: And -- CROW: Okay, I get it already! >Darth Vader turned from the view screen and walked up the catwalk to >the bow windows of the Imperial Star Destroyer _Nosferatu_. CROW: She's alive?! TOM: She's... nosferatu. CROW: [beat] She's Italian?! MIKE: I can't believe you guys just did that. >Captain >Drekker raised an eyebrow and looked back at the scopes. TOM: Ahoy, matey! Raise eyebrows and prepare to sail! >"Lt. Fulson, >have you broken the jam yet?" CROW: [as lieutenant] *Break* the jam? I thought you told me to *pump up* the jam! > "Not yet sir, I'm working on it, sir," the young Lt. looked >from his scopes for a moment. > Captain Drekker cocked his eyebrow again MIKE: Watch it! That eyebrow's about to go off! >and looked at Vader >who was watching the battle outside. CROW: [as Vader] I just hope the rebels cover the point spread this time, I got fifty bucks riding on this one. > * * * > "Here you go Luke," Han punched the button to send the >coordinates to the two X-wings. > "Coordinates received, General," Wedge spoke. MIKE : [as Wedge] You want to meet at Denny's? I don't think so, General. > "There's too much damage to my receiver," Luke said "Their all >fragmented. The hyperdrive's not responding." Luke looked back at his >fried Artoo unit CROW: Mmmmmm-hmmm! Fried Artoo unit! Crispity-crunchity! >and winced again. "Send again." > Han punched the button again. > "Got it! Let's go!" > "Punch it, Chewie!" Han said and the three ships dropped into >hyperspace. MIKE: There's a lot of punching going on around here. > No sooner had the three ships dropped into hyperspace, a >nearby star went supernova and sent a shock wave through the >hyperspace. ALL: Plot point! Plot point! TOM: I *hate* it when a star goes supernova right when I'm dropping into hyperspace! > * * * >Captain's Personal Log stardate 5991.1 MIKE: No sign of the whale yet again. Dear lord, I'm a lonely man. > The _Enterprise_ is performing a routine supply run to the >Bajoran space station Deep Space Nine. CROW: No! Not DS9 too! TOM: Dr. Forrester is really pushing it this time. MIKE: Now, boys, think of it this way. With more characters to juggle, maybe the author won't subject us to too much Commander Riker. CROW: Oh. Well, that's true. >The crew is in need of a little >shore leave and DS9 has some interesting diversions. CROW: Yeah, I hear it's a veritable freak show. >Beverly Crusher >says that some of the holo-suites on the Promenade are quite >interesting. MIKE: [smacks forehead] TOM: Now *that's* too much. >I was unable to indulge myself ALL: [a great deal of throat-clearing] >last time I visited this >place because I was too busy working on an aqueduct project. >I must admit I am curious and need a little rest myself. Captain Jean-Luc >Picard TOM: ... has finally cracked and is now talking about himself in the third person. MIKE: No, I think that's just bad punctuation. TOM: Oh. Darn. >stood and tugged at his tunic and walked from his ready room >onto the bridge. "What is our estimated time of arrival at DS9?" > "Approximately ten minutes sir," spoke Lt. Cmdr Data. CROW: It's worse than we thought! Someone stole all their vowels! >"The docking procedure should take close to an hour, however." > "An hour?" Cmdr Riker asked astonished. TOM: [as Data] Yes, it's my first time trying to parallel park. > "Yes sir," Data explained, "The station has become quite a hub >of activity CROW: Especially since Dr. Crusher told everyone about the holosuites. >and they are not taking any chances with any sort of >problems." > "What kind of problems?" > "Computer viruses, diseases, collisions, or the like." TOM: Rebellion, insurrection, mutiny... MIKE: War, Plague, Famine, Death... CROW: You know. The usual. > "But this is a Federation vessel," Cmdr Riker put in. CROW: [as Data] ... with you on it. Precisely what they're trying to avoid. > "Yes sir. I know, but it is for our protection as much as theirs." TOM: Suddenly it's a Sheik ad. > "Captain, is this a way for Cmdr Sisco to take it out on you?" MIKE: [as Picard] No, that would be the time he slugged me. > "I don't think so Number One. I believe our differences are >more or less resolved. CROW: [as Picard] He says tastes great, I say less filling. Can't we all get along? >When your dealing with so many different races, >some of whom we've had no contact at all with, you cannot be too >cautious." TOM: Be sure to wear your protective gear at all times. > "I see." > "Captain," Data interrupted, "We are entering the system." > "Drop out of warp Mr. Data and proceed at full impulse." > "Aye, sir." > The _Enterprise_ arrived at DS9 and began the docking >procedures. > * * * > "What the Hell was that?" CROW: You're the author, you tell us. > "WWWRRRRONK" MIKE: Either that's Chewie talking or an entire flock of geese just got sucked into the Falcon's engines. > "How should I know? Luke? Wedge? Do you read?" TOM: [as Wedge] Only evenings and weekends, sir. CROW: [as Luke] Only if it has pictures in it. > "I read you General. What the hell just happened?" > "I don't know, but we're off the charts. It felt like a star >went supernova or we hit an uncharted blackhole. CROW: So this happens to you often, does it? >Where's Luke? Luke do >you copy?" MIKE: No, but I print, collate, and staple. TOM: That was *bad*. MIKE: Sorry. > "He's still with us. His transmitter must be out. I'll fly >over and take a look," Wedge banked his X-wing over to Luke's. > Han turned his attention to the instruments, TOM: [as Han] Trumpets, tighten your embouchure! >"Let's try and >figure out where the hell we are." He flipped the intercom switch, >"Leia are you guys alright back there?" CROW: [as Han] Leia, are you in the back seat with Threepio again? I thought I warned you two... > "Yes, Han. What happened?" > "We got knocked out the galaxy, it looks like. TOM: [as Leia] Oh, is *that* all? >We're still >trying working on it." > "Well at least we're safe from the Imperials." > "Yeah, but that doesn't help Lando." > "I know." > "Han, Luke's life support and radio are out. His battery is >just about dead. It will only take about one more jump." MIKE: [as Han] Okay, get the cables out of the trunk. We'll try this again. > "Understood, Wedge. We may have to dump the ship, tell him >to get into his extra-vehicle suit." TOM: [as Han] Tell him just to hold onto the Falcon's bumper, like last time. > "Yes, sir." > Wedge signaled to Luke what Han had said MIKE: What is this guy, a semaphore specialist? >and Luke nodded >and began the uncomfortable task of removing the suit from behind his seat >and putting it on in a very limited space. MIKE: Oh yeah, that's tough. At senior prom, I had to get out of my tux in the back of my friend's car, and -- CROW: Nelson, we don't want to know. MIKE: Sorry. >"There are some things even >the Force can't help." Luke mumbled to himself. TOM: You mean you can't use the Force to get yourself dressed? Then what good is it? CROW: About as much good as your arms. TOM: Hey! >Just as he got turned >around in his seat, a strange tremor in the Force filled him. CROW: So does that mean he's been Baconized? Tremors? Baconized? Get it? MIKE: Crow, do you have any idea what a minute percentage of the civilized galaxy understood that ref? TOM: I can guarantee no one laughed at it. >He >turned around just to see a vortex in space open up and swallow all >three ships. TOM: Let's see... we were being chased by Imperial star cruisers, we got sucked into a supernova, and now a vortex has swallowed us up. Yep... it's Miller Time. >As they careened through the warp, Luke was pounded by an >intense feeling in the Force. MIKE: Punching, pounding... stop the insanity! >He slipped into unconsciousness. > * * * > "Commander, there are three ships coming out of the wormhole, >without clearance." > "Hail them, Mr. O' Brien," CROW: [as O'Brien] All hail... oh, you mean the radio thingy. Sorry. >Cmdr Sisco ordered moving to a view >screen and watched as two small fighters and a freighter sized ship >fell out of the opening and the wormhole closed behind them. TOM: I suppose this is technical, but they couldn't really *fall* since they're in a zero-gravity envrionment. MIKE: You're right. That was technical. CROW: Not to mention stupid. > "Channel Open, sir," O'Brien said. MIKE: I hope it does better than Channel One. > "Unidentified ships, please identify yourselves," he waited a >moment. > "Sir, one of the fighter class ships is apparently out of control." MIKE: Starring Tony Danza! > "Get him in a tractor beam Mr. O'Brien." > "Aye, sir. Sir, life support is failing in that ship the pilot >is unconscious." > "Get him out of there." MIKE: [as Sisco] Hmm... it's an unidentified ship coming out of the wormhole, no way to tell who's in it, no idea what they want... yep, better beam 'im aboard. TOM: This is Star Trek, remember? Of course they beam him aboard. > O'Brien's hands flew over the transporter controls. He engaged >the transporter and the crumpled figure of Luke Skywalker materialized >on the platform. > "Sisco to Bashir. Medical assistance to Ops immediately." CROW: [as Sisco] It's Luke Skywalker! Bring my autograph book, would ya? > "Incoming message sir, audio only." > "Put it on." > "Space station, this is the _Millenium Falcon_. We have a >medical emergency, do you have facilities that we could use." CROW: Amazing how they all speak the same language. MIKE: Don't worry, they'll explain that away with the universal translator. TOM: Handy device, that. > "Certainly, we have already transported him off of his ship and >into the station." > "What?" Han questioned. > "We beamed him off the fighter his life support had failed." >Sisco looked at Luke just as Bashir and some medics came into Ops. > "Our emergency is on this ship," Han tried to explain. >Sisco ran a finger across his throat to cut the transmission. TOM: [as Sisco] Let's see... medical emergency, medical emergency. Oh, here it is. "Medical emergency: Cut off all communications with the ship in danger." Okie-dokie! > O'Brien shook his head. Sensors cannot penetrate the >shielding. Our transporters will be ineffective if there is someone on >board. CROW: He's a telepath! TOM: No, the author just forgot the quotation marks. > "Open a channel to the _Enterprise_ their sensors and >transporters are more powerful." > "Yes, Cmdr, how can we help you," Captain Picard was at the >conn. MIKE: [as Sisco] I'd like to buy a vowel, sir. > "Those three ships that just came out of the wormhole. CROW: [as Sisco] No, those ships. No *those* -- over there. Right there. Right where I'm pointing! I can't take you anywhere. >There >is a wounded person on the freighter. Our transporters are too weak to >penetrate the ship's shielding." > "Understood. Picard out. Transporter room try and lock onto >the wounded person on the ship TOM: [as Picard] You'll know which one he is cuz he's the one who's wounded. >to our port and beam them directly to >sickbay. Sickbay, stand by." > * * * > Leia picked herself off the floor and shook her head. Whatever >happened had knocked her out ALL: Yay! >temporarily. ALL: Boo! >She looked at Lando, he was >still unconscious from the medication they had given after he was >wounded.. Suddenly, his body lost all cohesion and he disappeared. >Leia was taken aback. TOM: She's just seen a guy disappear into thin air, and she's just "taken aback"? CROW: She's a cold, cold woman. >She thumbed the intercom switch on the wall. >"Han, Lando just disappeared." MIKE: [as Han] Oh, he does that every now and then. Don't worry, he'll come back when he's hungry. > Han looked shocked and just as he reached for the comm switch >it bleeped. He flipped it angrily. TOM: Watch it, buddy! This is a family show! > "Freighter _Millenium Falcon_ this is the Federation Starship >U.S.S. _Enterprise_." This was a different voice. Clipped and >structured, it almost sounded like and Imperial officer. MIKE: Actually, that's a neat catch, seeing as how Imperial officers all seem to have British accents. TOM: Well, except the guy in "The Return of the Jedi" who -- MIKE: Uh, Tom? TOM: Yeah? MIKE: You're thinking too hard, buddy. We don't want your head to explode again, you know. TOM: Oh. Yeah. Sorry. >"We have >transported your casualty to our medical facility. I apologize for not >consulting you first, but his life signs were failing." TOM: [as Picard] We like to rush into situations we don't understand and take total control without considering the consequences. We hope you don't mind. > Han sat back for a second. "Thank you," he managed, even >though he was supposed to be mad. "What the Hell is going on? Where >the hell are we?" CROW: [as Han] Why do I keep saying "hell"? And should I captalize it or not? > "Deep Space Nine in the Bajoran System, Alpha Quadrant," >Picard replied. MIKE: [as Picard] It's a hell of a town. > "What?" Han replied, even more flustered than before. > "Perhaps you should transport over the _Enterprise_ and we can >discuss this. TOM: [as Picard] Let's see... potentially hostile alien being from another galaxy... yep, sez here to beam him aboard. >The station crews can take care of the docking >regulations and procedures for your ships. MIKE: [as Picard] And the television crews will make sure every minute detail of your life is exposed to the public. >Do you have transporters?" > "No...uh..." TOM: [as Han] But I have some nice glass beads. I'll trade ya for the planet. > "Fine, we have your locks prepare for transport." > "Okay..." > Han, Leia, Chewbacca and Wedge all disappeared and reappeared >in the _Enterprise_ transporter room. Chewbacca screamed and >leaped onto the closest thing, which happened to be the security >officer Worf. CROW: [as Han] I knew I shoulda had him fixed! > "CHEWIE!" Han rushed after him and tried to hold him back. > Worf held his own as best he could against the seven foot >Wookie, but it took Han talking him out of popping the Klingon's head >off. The security team arrived phasers drawn and Han moved back, "Hey >there boys, let's not go nuts here. Let's talk about this." CROW: [as Worf] Your furry friend here just tried to kill me, and you want to *talk* about it? Talk about *this*, alien guy! > "At ease," Worf said rubbing his throat. > "He's just a little jumpy that's all. He doesn't mean anything >by it," Han explained to Worf. MIKE: It's just his way of saying hello. > Chewbacca groaned an apology. > "I must ask for your weapons," Worf said indicating Han and >Wedge's blaster and Chewbacca's crossbow. CROW: And Leia's figure. MIKE: Mr. Robot, you just watch it there. > "Uh...sure," Han reluctantly handed over his blaster butt >first. TOM & CROW: [snicker] MIKE: Now, now... >Wedge handed his over, but Worf had to physically remove the >even more reluctant Wookie's weapon. TOM: But a minute ago, the Wookie was trying to unscrew Worf's head from his neck! Now Worf can forcibly take his weapon? I don't THINK so. MIKE: Easy, Tom. It'll be okay. > A bearded officer came in and introduced himself as Cmdr >William Riker, first officer. ALL: [groan] CROW: No... please... no Riker. TOM: I bet it's against the Geneva Convention to sic Riker on these guys. > "I'm General Han Solo, this is Chewbacca, my first mate, this >is Cmdr Wedge Antilles of Rogue Squadron and Princess Leia Organa." CROW: [as Riker] Is she now? Hmmm... TOM: [whispering] Sir, that's "Organa," not -- MIKE: Boys! > "Princess Leia," Riker took her hand, "I'm pleased to meet you." > Leia smiled coyly TOM: [as Leia] He's cute! Nice beard. >and Han stepped in between them, "Can we >see Lando and Luke?" MIKE: [as Riker] I don't know. *Can* you? [muttering] Lousy aliens, don't know how to speak good English... > "We only have one man on this ship the other must be on the station. He's in sickbay being treated now. He was a lucky guy. TOM: You know, I hate to point things like this out, but we *still* don't know what's wrong with him. CROW: Gimme a break. You *love* pointing those things out. >Right >now let's meet with the Captain and see if we can't sort this all >out." Riker led the four out of the transporter room into the >corridor. He smiled at Leia as she left. Han took her hand as if to >stake his claim, but she pulled it away. CROW: Leia's been reading her Andrea Dworkin. > * * * > The four rebels followed Cmdr Riker down the corridor. Riker >pointed out things of interest to Princess Leia, MIKE: [as Riker] That's a door, that's a comm panel... oh, look! We're at my quarters! How'd that happen? >but the others fell >back a few paces, speaking in hushed voices. CROW: They're afraid they'll wake the angry gods if they speak to loudly. > "You think we got tossed out of the galaxy?" asked Wedge. MIKE: [as Han] After what you called the bartender? I'm surprised they didn't arrest us! > "I'm not sure. The _Falcon_'s charts are the best in the >Alliance and we're clear the Hell and gone away from any markers. I >don't even recognize the stars," TOM: And I thought we were such good friends... >Han explained surveying the ship >around him. > "Good point," Wedge nodded doing the same. > "What happened with Luke?" CROW: [as Han] I dunno... last time I saw him, he was wearing his huggy jacket and muttering something about the gods smiting him. I think he took too much Force, ifyaknowhatImean. > "His life-support was failing...I think he was unconscious >when we got here MIKE: [as Wedge] It's hard to tell though. He doesn't have much of a personality, even when he *is* conscious. >...wherever here is. The last time I looked he wasn't >in the ship. They must have transported him out, but not to this ship >apparently. I don't like leaving my ship to some alien I've never >heard of." > "Neither do I," Han agreed, "but did you see some of those >ships, one of them could have easily taken out a frigate, let alone >the _Falcon_. TOM: [as Wedge] Oh, that's a comfort. >I don't think we had much of a choice." Han stepped up >between Riker and Leia "Say, how do those transporters work anyway?" >he asked in mock levity, taking Leia's hand again. MIKE: Han Solo, ladies and gentlemen. ALL: [golf clap] TOM: And on that note... MIKE: We're outta here? TOM: Yup. [Exeunt] [insert cheesy commercial of your choice] [SOL] [MIKE, TOM, and CROW are standing about, holding sheafs of paper. Well, MIKE and CROW are holding theirs. TOM has his propped up on a typewriter clipboard. He's also wearing his glasses and the sweater from his "Servo on Film" sketch. No one is in the leg-up position, however, thank goodness.] CROW: ...and then Sidney Carton swooped out of the sky in his Apache attack helicopter and strafed the guillotine! TOM: You stole that from "Cheers." CROW: Did not. TOM: Did so. MIKE: [looking at CAMBOT] Hi everyone, welcome back. In the spirit of today's experiment, I've asked the 'bots here to write their own fanfics, so we can appreciate how much hard work and effort the author put into his. Unfortunately, I'm not sure Crow will be able to share his, what with the Computer Decency Act and all. CROW: Hey! It wasn't that bad. Well, there was that one scene between Sidney and Mme DeFarge. MIKE: Eeeew. TOM: Crow! How could you? MIKE: Well, Tom, why don't you share your fanfic with us while Crow attempts to make his suitable for general consumption. CROW: Well, it wasn't like they -- MIKE: Crow! CROW: Okay, okay... MIKE: Okay, Tom, let's hear what you have. TOM: Why, thanks, Mike! [clears throat] I have taken Edith Wharton's masterpiece of short fiction, _Ethan Frome_, and composed an alternate ending. MIKE: Great! Let's have it. TOM: Well, what happens, see, is that when Ethan and Mattie leave the house to go to the train station, Zeena invites Jean-Claude, her French lover, in. See, it turns out she was faking all those illnesses to find time to be with her French pastry, if you know what I mean. So halfway to the train station, Mattie realizes she's forgotten her purse, so they have to go back to the house, where they find Zeena and Jean-Claude in flagrante delecto. [chuckles] So Ethan becomes enraged and pulls his gun off the rack and chases Jean-Claude off his property. Zeena runs after him, and they abscond to Paris, where he plies his trade as a blacksmith -- MIKE: In Paris? TOM: Sure, why not? And Zeena becomes a scullery maid and has affairs with great men of state. And Ethan and Mattie get married and live happily ever after. [brief silence] MIKE: Well... okay, I guess. CROW: Tom, that's just weird. TOM: Well, the other ending was too sad. What'd you come up with, Nelson? MIKE: Umm... well, actually, it's an E.M. Forster/X-Files crossover. [another brief silence] CROW: Nelson, I gotta hand it to you. That's even weirder than Tom's story. MIKE: Well, there's a cool part where the guy Anthony Hopkins played in _Howard's End_ mutates into a bloodsucking alien and goes on a killing rampage in -- CROW: Okay! Wanna hear my rewrite? MIKE: That was fast. CROW: My creativity flows unimpeded from the gods, Mike. See, mine's based on this TV show on Comedy Central. It's about a guy and his two robots, and they go up into space, but instead of watching bad movies they read bad USENET posts and... uh... MIKE: [clears throat] TOM: [whistles] CROW: Er... um... MIKE: We'll be right back. [more commercials] [Interior: theatre] > * * * >"I don't know what it is, I've never seen anything like it. Odo?" CROW: No, I've never seen anything like Odo, either. >Dr. Bashir asked the Constable. "I have no idea..." Cmdr Sisco flipped a >switch on the metal cylinder and a green beam shot out three feet and >stayed there humming. "It appears to be powerful however," Odo >finished. TOM: Whoa. Hold on here. Wait a minute. What happened to the paragraphs? CROW: Remember at the beginning, that note about the hard returns? TOM: Yeah? CROW: Well, apparently, no one's gotten around to putting them in. TOM: Ooooohh... my head hurts. >"How is the patient?" Sisco asked the Doctor. "He appears >to be human, but his brain waves are hugely amplified. MIKE: His amp goes up to eleven. >Even more than >a Betazoid or telepath." Bashir answered looking at his medical >tricorder. "Can you wake..." CROW: [as Bashir] Not without an alarm clock. Why do you ask? >Before Sisco could finish, Luke sat up >stiffly and shook his head. "Where am I?" He asked slightly >bewildered. He could sense thousands around him, some humans, CROW: Amazing how they're all humans, coming from different galaxies and all. TOM: Now you're catching on to the innate ridiculousness of mixing the Star Trek and Star Wars universes. CROW: Thank you, Professor Fanguy. TOM: Hey! Mike, make him stop. MIKE: Shut it, both of you. >but mostly aliens, different from any he'd felt before. MIKE: So... you uh... feel aliens often? >"You are in the >medical facility on Deep Space Nine," Sisco acknowledged courteously. CROW: Then he socked him in the jaw. >"Your ship lost life support and we transported you out unconscious. >Your ship is safe in the security bay." TOM: [as Sisco] Well... as safe as you can get on this space-borne piece of... but enough about me! >"What system is this?" TOM: 7.1. Why? >"Bajor," Sisco answered. "Never heard of it," he said his eyes >focussed on Odo who was examining the lightsaber. "Your weapon > will have to be confiscated until you leave. No one is allowed weapons >on the station." MIKE: [as Odo] No one except me, that is. I carry a cattle prod and a taser. It keeps the scum in line. >"Fair, enough," Luke said. "There were two other ships >with me are they alright?" "The other fighter and the freighter were >fine," Sisco replied. CROW: [as Sisco] We walked them, groomed them, and bedded them down in the stables with some feed. >"There was a casualty on the freighter, he was >beamed aboard the Federation Starship _Enterprise_." MIKE: [as Luke] The Enterprise! But... that's a slave ship! >"You should >rest," Dr. Bashir interrupted. "You can see them soon." "I feel >okay," said Luke calmly. Bashir looked at the tricorder. "All your >bodily functions are stable. It appears you have a miraculous recovery >rate. I see no reason to hold you," he shrugged. MIKE: [as Bashir] So I'll hold you for no reason at all! Come here, you! >Luke looked at his >right hand and moved the servo-motors. TOM: Saaaaaay! I like this guy already. >"Your artificial hand was >damaged, I took the liberty of repairing it for you. CROW: [as Bashir] And I upgraded it so now you can shoot death rays from your fingertips. It's really cool. Chicks dig it. >I've never seen >prosthetic construction like that before." "I'm from a long ways >away. TOM: [as Luke] A galaxy far, far away, in fact. Where the hope of freedom is kept alive by -- oh, forget it. You're not paying attention. >It feels like new. Thank you." Luke hopped off the biobed >and instinctively felt for his lightsaber. He remembered and let it go, >reluctantly. "I'll take you to the _Enterprise_, Mr...." Odo faltered >"Skywalker, Luke Skywalker." MIKE: [as Odo] Skywalker? What kind of idiot name is that? Sounds like something out of a movie. > * * * >"Captain we have their coordinates..." Lt. Fulson announced. MIKE: [as Captain] Well, give them back! >"Good, >set course," commanded Captain Drekker looking at his readout. Lord >Vader overheard and began walking back to the navigation pit. CROW: [snickering] Where was he before? The conversation pit? MIKE: See, they're doing podium training. TOM: Now *that's* obscure. >"But >sir, their coordinates took them past a supernova star, we can't >safely follow." TOM: Asteriods are not my concern. CROW: Tom, that's strange. >"You have found them Captain?" Vader's voice boomed >over Drekker's shoulder. Drekker paused and turned to face Vader, >"Yes, my Lord, however, a star went supernova minutes ago along their >course and we can't..." CROW: ...maintain bladder control. >"I don't have time for excuses, Captain. Set >course." "Yes, my Lord," Drekker turned and gestured to the nervous >Lt. Drekker tensed his face. TOM: Watch it, your face will freeze like that. >I could handle this just fine MY LORD! >He looked down the catwalk after Vader, MIKE: [as Vader] I do my little turn on the catwalk... like so. >and didn't think anything. TOM: Like that's anything new. >Lt. Fulson thumbed a comm switch, "Prepare for the jump to >lightspeed," his voice echoed throughout the _Nosferatu_. > * * * >As DS9's tractors set the _Falcon_ down on the deck between the two >battered X-wings, the door irised shut above the three ships. The hiss >of pressurization stopped CROW: ... just short of viable pressure, and everyone in the dock suffered a slow, agonizing death from asphyxiation! >and Threepio opened the main gangway and >walked out complaining about the lack of manners on the part of this >station. TOM: [as Threepio] All I said was "You couldn't process a simple quadratic equation," and it got all *huffy* with me! >He nearly ran into two maintenance workers. They were >startled. They hadn't seen a robot like this before and didn't know >how to deal with it. MIKE: Yeah, I know how hard it is to deal with 'bots. CROW & TOM: Hey! >They looked at each other. Finally one spoke. CROW: He said, "Die, golden fiend!" and he whipped out an AK-47 and shot Threepio into little golden bits! MIKE&TOM: [cheer] >"Who are you?" ALL: Oh. >"I am See-Threepio, human-cyborg relations..." >"Well, See-Threepio, you'll have to wait inside the ship until your >security clearance comes through." Threepio stopped and cocked CROW: Hey! He doesn't have eyebrows. > his head. CROW: Oh. Okay. >"I must tend to the Artoo unit in that X-wing, he's been >severely damaged." "What?" the two men looked at each other. >"Look it will all be taken care of, you need to wait inside." Threepio >went back up the ramp cursing as only a protocol droid can curse, TOM: ...in ones and zeroes. CROW: 11010001110100100! TOM: I hear ya, buddy. >and closed the hatch. > * * * >"Do you think that it is possible that these Imperials could have >tracked you here?" Picard asked leaning back in his chair and studying >the General seated opposite him. TOM: [as Picard] Nice cheekbones... ruggedly handsome features... tousled hair... why, General, I find you devilishly attractive! >"Well, that's just it, we're not >even sure where here is? MIKE: [as Picard] Well, are you asking or telling? >When we jumped to hyperspace, I think >something happened, a supernova, an uncharted blackhole or something >threw us off course...way off course. TOM: [as Leia] Men. They go into space without a map, and they *never* stop to ask for directions! >It was almost impossible to tell >anything. Most of the _Falcon_'s systems were damaged and the nav >computer wasn't working right." "Big surprise," Leia said under her >breath. Chewbacca growled a chuckle. Han shot them both a warning >glance. TOM: Oh, how I wish he'd shoot Riker with that warning glance. >Leia butted in. "The truth is Captain Picard, CROW: [as Leia] If they had let me drive, we wouldn't *be* in this predicament! >we don't know >what happened. The Imperials could have gotten our transmission to >the fighters..." "To the fighters?" Geordie asked. "Our fighters don't >have nav computer," explained Wedge, "all of our hyperspace jumps >are handled by droids." CROW: Wise choice. TOM: Definitely. >"As far as I can tell," Han took the initiative >again "We're a helluva long ways from where we started." "Agreed," >Picard sat up. MIKE: [as Picard] I'm sorry, what did you just say? I was taking my afternoon nap. TOM: It's the Ronald Reagan School of Starship Captaining. CROW: D'oh! >"If you could furnish Lt. Cmdr Data with MIKE: [as Picard] ... a futon, or perhaps a sleeper sofa. CROW: How about a personality while they're at it? >your star >charts, we may be able to match them to the proper system, or indeed >the proper galaxy." TOM: [as Han] Data, buddy, you ever considered tanning? >"I'll have to get to my ship," Han said looking >at the pale android. "Worf, Data, accompany the General and Chewbacca >to the station, and deal with the security measures," "Aye, sir," said >both Data and Worf. "Excuse me Captain," Han stood, "but can we see >Lando first?" "Certainly," smiled Picard. CROW: [as Han] GAH! Sir, don't take this personal, but would you please never smile again? >They stood and Luke walked >in followed by Odo. "Luke!" Leia ran and gave him a hug and a kiss. >Chewie hugged him as well. MIKE: [as Luke] Whew! Time for that flea dip, Chewie! >"Looking good kid, you had us scared for >a minute!" "Thanks, Han." TOM: And this scene would be lifted directly from "The Empire Strikes Back." >"Captain?" asked Wedge, "Would it be >possible to get to the fighters? We need to get started on repairs." >"Certainly. Cmdr LaForge will give you a hand with any of the >necessary tools or replicating parts." TOM: [as Picard] Don't concern yourself with the fact that, since you are from another galaxy, your alloys and technology are completely unlike ours. CROW: [ditto] In this, the Star Trek Universe, we have ways of getting around that. >"Thank you, Captain," Han >acknowledged. Everyone walked out into the corridor and followed >Data. Worf walked in the opposite direction with Odo. CROW: So I guess *not* everyone followed Data. >Riker and Picard >were left in the conference room. "Some interesting guests, eh Number >One?" MIKE: [as Riker] Huh? Sorry, sir, I was just dozing there. >"Yes, sir!" Riker looked after the Princess as they disappeared >around the corer. "Will!" Deanna Troi chided. CROW: Will not! >"Deanna," Picard asked >"What did you sense about our guests?" "General Solo is a con-artist. >He's not really lying to us. His exagerrattion and arrogance are more >to make him look better. MIKE: [as Deanna] And it works! Hoo-boy! >He has the personality of a CROW: [as Deanna] ...pet rock. >gambler or a pirate rather than a military general. Still he cares about his >friends and his ship, very deeply and although it is contradictory, he >cares about the rebellion. Chewbacca is primitive in his desires, but >extremely loyal and intelligent. He has an enormous attachment to the >General. CROW: So he's a smart dog. TOM: Oxymoron. CROW: Who're you calling a moron?! MIKE: Some dogs are really smart. Maybe he's a border collie or a standard poodle. TOM: He looks like a tall guy in a fake-fur suit to me. >Cmdr Antilles is a very straightforward rebel. He believes in >his cause and has the youthful exuberance that will see him through a >fight. TOM: He's a Pisces, his turn-ons are long walks and bubble baths, and his turn-offs are big words and women with press-on nails. >The Princess is very intelligent and relaxed. CROW: Like anyone could be relaxed flying around the galaxy with that motley crew. >A diplomat maybe, >she feels for the cause against the Empire more than any of them. >There is something strange about her though. TOM: [as Deanna] She has a third eye in the middle of her forehead. >There's something of the >same sort about Luke Skywalker, only much more. He may be a...I don't >know." MIKE: An I don't know? Good grief, woman, do you know what this means?! >"Skywalker?" Puzzled Riker, "How did you know his name?" TOM: [as Deanna] He was walking on the ceiling before you came in. >"I don't know?" MIKE: You tell us! >Deanna looked at the Captain, who raised his eyebrows in >response. TOM: *Again* with the eyebrows! > * * * >"Lando! How you feeling ol' buddy?" Han hugged his friend. "Fine >you old pirate." he said "The medicine here is great," he whispered >indicating MIKE: ... the vials of morhpine on his bedside table. >Beverly Crusher. Han looked and nodded. "How are you >Chewbacca?!" Lando asked. Chewie roared and shook Lando's hand >with his huge paw. "General Calrissian," Beverly stepped in. "Lando, >please." "You need your rest," she gave him a hypo of a sedative. He >fell asleep. TOM: No one will be seated during the gripping hypo spray scene! >"Your friend is extremely lucky, he looks like he got >shot with a laser blast of some sort." CROW: Not exactly my idea of luck... bad luck, maybe.... >Han looked at him and back at >the doctor, "The laserturret he was in took a direct hit. It was a >pretty fierce fight." Crusher looked at Chewbacca, whose arm was >bandaged. "Your arm is injured let me take..." MIKE: [as Crusher] ... it off. >Chewie growled and >pushed her away. "HEY!" Han yelled at him. "Is that any way to treat >a lady? Give her your arm!" He grabbed Chewie's arm and the doctor ran >a medical tricorder over the cut. "Seems straightforward enough, even >with your strange biology." TOM: Suddenly she's Dr. McCoy. CROW: [as McCoy] You seem normal, even with your green-blooded Vulcan biology. >She grabbed an instrument from the counter >and ran it over his arm. Chewie tried futilely to pull his arm away, >instead he looked away. TOM: So he nearly kills Worf, but he can't get his arm away from Dr. Crusher? MIKE: He's a sucker for a redhead in a jumpsuit, I guess. CROW: Good thing you're blond, then. >"You big coward!" Han chided. "Thank you, >Doctor. We should get started on the ships. Cmdr Data..." Han turned >to the android and MIKE: Smothered him with a passionate kiss! >followed him off the ship. [commercials] > * * * >"I understand your position Cmdr, >but we may be dealing with more than >we bargained for. These people are freedom fighters of some kind and >from the sounds of it this Empire isn't very friendly, to anybody. CROW: Uh-huh. And I suppose you believe everything you read, too, don't you? >The >Prime Directive may not shield us from this, TOM: [as Picard] ...mostly because we don't want it to. >if they are able to track >these rebels and follow them here. General Solo thinks that they were >pushed a huge distance by a freak accident, but it is possible for the >Imperials to show up." MIKE: Thanks for the plot update, Captain. >"I understand, Captain, but this is my station >and my security regulations. CROW: [as Sisco] And if you don't give them back, I'm taking my toys and going home. >I must ask that they be obeyed, it is for >everyone's safety." "Agreed." "Sisco out." Picard's image >disappeared from the view screen. "Major, Chief, TOM: McCloud! >I want you to go >down to security bay six and aid their repairs and keep an eye on them." CROW: And now it's "Blade Runner." MIKE & TOM: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww! CROW: Heh. >Major Kira and Chief O'Brien left Ops on the lift and Sisco went to >his office. TOM: Meanwhile, Karen and David were smooching in engineering, while on the Promenade, the doctor was talking to Garak while eating crullers imported from a little shop in Chicago, while Keiko -- CROW: Okay, stop! TOM: -- suspecting her husband to be a government agent, was making a secret call to her contact in the CIA. But what of Marcia? And is Bruce really gay? Will Peter's cancer spontaneously heal itself? Will Melissa's love for Marlon ever be returned? Can -- CROW: AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH! > * * * >Geordie let a long sliding whistle despite himself when he saw the >three battle scarred ships, and set his tool case down. MIKE: [as Geordi] Oh man, you're screwed. These are 220 ships, and we only have a 110 outlet. >Han glared >back at him for a second, but didn't say anything. He opened the main >hatchway to the _Falcon_ and went in toward the cockpit. Threepio met >him already complaining. "Quit your bellyaching," Han spat. CROW: Eew. I hope he cleans that up. >Do you >know what's wrong with the _Falcon_?" "No sir, I..." "What the hell >have you been doing all of this time?" TOM: [as Threepio] Playing Doom, sir. >"Sir, The computer is damaged, >the power reserves are drained and..." "Shut up! I don't want any >excuses. Go outside and coordinate with the guy with the glasses CROW: Glasses? More like a banana comb painted gold. TOM: '80s fashion strikes again. >and >the android." >Threepio's eyes lit up at the mention of android. MIKE: [as Threepio] That Data is just *dreamy*! >He >turned around and went down the ramp. Han sat in the pilot's seat and >flipped the power selector. Nothing. He punched it. MIKE: It's a wonder anyone hangs out with this guy. He's always punching something. >Power came on for >a moment, but quickly drained. Han shook his head and left the >cockpit. He took off a wall panel and ducked into the compartment. >There was a loud crash and a scream and CROW: ... blood sprayed the walls of the docking bay as carnage ensued! MIKE: Crow, I think that's the last time I let you watch "Pulp Fiction" before bedtime. CROW: But Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike! >the power flicked back on. >"CHEWIE! Get in here!" Outside, Luke and Geordie were trying to >extract the scorched lump of metal that was Artoo-Detoo. Threepio >would have been fretting, but he was too busy bragging to Cmdr Data >about his six million forms of communication. Wedge was pulling Luke's ALL: Wha -- ?! >hyperdrive apart ALL: Oh. >and trying to separate the hyperdirve motivator from >the power converters and the alluvial dampers. CROW: [as mechanic] Well, ma'am, whatchu got here is a bad hyperdrive motivator. See, it's fused to these here power converters and alluvial dampers. That'll be $4,000, I'll have to order the parts, I can't take it before next Friday, and you won't get it back for three months. Have a nice day. TOM: I think that was dark, but I'm not sure. >Chewbacca came out and >handed a data card to Data. MIKE: [as Data] It says "Death." What the -- ? >"Chewbacca says those are the _Millenium >Falcon_'s star charts," Threepio translated the Wookie's growls. TOM: [as Threepio] And he wants a doggie biscuit. >"Good I shall get started assimilating the information CROW: Resistance is futile. Your star charts will be assimilated. >immediately," >Data said and turned to Threepio. "I may need some assistance." TOM: [as Data] Seeing as how you're from another galaxy and all, so I probably won't be able to read your writing or use this data card. >"I >would be glad to assist you Lt. Cmdr Data," Threepio volunteered. As >the two were leaving the security bay, two maintenance men came in >with an anti-grav cart. "Take that unit over there to main >engineering aboard the _Enterprise_." MIKE: Magic Voice? >"Yes sir," the men >acknowledged. Data and Threepio left for the _Enterprise_, and passed >O'Brien and Kira on their way into the bay. "Chief! Good to see you," >Geordie welcomed his old friend. "I understand you could use some >help here," Miles MIKE: How much Brien does this fanfic have? ALL: Miles O'Brien! >asked looking around at the piles of debris that >were accumulating as the rebels tore their ships apart. TOM: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans! CROW: Whoa. MIKE: Yeah, total deja vu. >"Could we >ever! Some of these systems are as foreign as anything in the >universe. CROW: Gee, I wonder why, seeing as how they're from another *galaxy* and all. >I could use some help figuring out how to fix them without >the proper parts." "Let's get cracking then shall we?" O'Brien and >LaForge began helping Luke and Wedge piece Luke's hyperdrive back >together. Major Kira was lurking MIKE: ... on alt.startrek.creative, getting a real kick out of the things people were making her do. >around taking mental notes of things >that were being said. CROW: [as Kira] Hmmm... well, *that* will come in handly during his court-martial. >Hoping to gain some information about what these >newcomers might be up to. TOM: Speaking in incomplete sentences. >She looked around, wondering where Odo >was. Han came out of the _Falcon_ and saw Major Kira from the rear. >"Hey! CROW: [as Han] Nice hinder! MIKE: [smacks Crow upside the head] CROW: Ow! MIKE: Well, you asked for it. >Could you give me a hand with this power cable?" She turned >around and Han's eyes lit up. TOM: [as Han] Erp... never mind. I seem to have connected... the power... cable... Could you pull me away from the socket with that board over there? >"Excuse me?" "Uh, I need to pull this >power cable into the main energizer." "Oh," she said and picked up the >black tube. They carried it through the main corridor past the >gunwell. It was full of debris and scorched. The upper gunwell had >taken a direct hit, or several. CROW: One or the other. Whichever. It's not that important. >Han cringed as he passed by it. "What >happened here?" Kira asked. MIKE: [as Han] An accident with a time machine and a contraceptive. Don't ask. >"We were in a fire fight with a star >destroyer and it took a direct hit from a turbolaser battery. My >friend was nearly killed," Han explained. TOM: [as Han] It's sad, really. He was the only who would hang out with me. >He continued on and stopped >to plug the power cable into the main energizer. "General Solo!" >Geordie's voice echoed through the corridor. "Yeah?" Han yelled back. >"Permission to come aboard?" "Yeah," Han thought for a second, "Come >on up here, I might need a hand." TOM: I hear Luke has one you can borrow. CROW: D'oh! >Geordie found Han and Kira in the >cargo bay at the engineering station. Han was looking frustrated CROW: [as Han, grumbling] With Riker around, how's a man supposed to attract any female attention in this place? >as >the amount of work the ship needed was becoming more and more clear. >"Is there any way to get some materials to seal up some of this >damage?" "What kind of materials? TOM: [as Han] Duct tape'll do. >What needs sealed up?" "Over >here," Han led him to the gun well. Geordie hissed at the sight of >the wreckage. MIKE: Unbeknowst to his friends, Geordi was a snake-man. >"What was here?" "A gun, just like that one," Han >indicated the almost spotless lower quad. CROW: [as Geordi] A gun? How... quaint. >"How would you like a new >gun?" "Really?" Han's face lit up for a second, then he frowned. >"What'll it cost?" MIKE: [as Geordi] $29.95, plus shipping and handling. No CODs. >"Just a good look at your drive system. I've never >seen anything like it." "Few people have kid," Han said looking >around. CROW: It's an Infinite Improbability Drive, protected by a Somebody Else's Problem field. >"How are you going to do it?" "I'll have to get the specs and >we can replicate the parts and put it together. In fact any parts that >you need we can replicate." "Are you any good with computers?" Han >was beginning to like this blind kid. "Depends," Geordie shrugged. TOM: [as Geordi] Mac or DOS? MIKE: Don't even start. >"Hold on, let me get a crew started on this gun." He tapped his >communicator, "LaForge to _Enterprise_. Send a replicating crew to DS9 >security bay six." Han shook his head at the unusual level of >efficiency CROW: Unusual for what? The U.S. government? >and led Geordie to the nav computer in the cockpit. * >The following morning, after all of the repairs had been made to the >_Falcon_ and the X-wings, the rebels woke up in their luxurious cabins >on the _Enterprise_. CROW: [hums the "Love Boat" theme] TOM: [narrator voice] They found themselves in sunny St. Kitts, where a day of frolicing in the surf and an evening of dancing to the sounds of Menudo awaited them. MIKE: Oh, so it *is* a prison ship. >Each was well rested and feeling much better. >Han took a sonic shower and shaved his now well-grown beard. He >pulled out clean clothes and put the old ones in the duffle that he'd pulled >off the _Falcon_ last night. TOM: You know, the word concerning this level of detail... the word that comes to mind is... CROW: Boring? TOM: No... MIKE: Mind-numbing. TOM: Yep. There it is. >Chewbacca was milling aroud the cabin, CROW: And when Chewie mills around the cabin, he really mills *around* the cabin, ifyaknowhatImean. >having found that the sonic shower was not nearly as satisfying as Han >had found it. MIKE: Han used up all the hot sonic waves before it was Chewie's turn. >He had slept on the floor, not wanting to be away from >his friend. The doorbell bleeped, "Yeah?" CROW: So now the door talks? TOM: It's better than that annoying chime on the show. >Han said looking for his >other sock. Wedge came in the door. "Hey Wedge. How ya feelin'?" >"Good, This is a great ship isn't it?" TOM: It's a ship! It's a red ship! It's a red ship with a radio! It's -- MIKE: Okay, stop. TOM: Sorry. >"Yeah. Pretty cushy," Han >agreed finding his sock and pulling on his boots. "I was talking to >the android, Data, CROW: As opposed to all the other androids on board? >and he was explaining some of the technology to me. >Not only is it powerful, it's fast!" Han stopped and looked up. "How >fast?" He asked defensively. "They use a totally different drive >system, technically the can't even break lightspeed, they use a warp >field, it kind of bends space as near as I can tell." MIKE: [as Han] You've been getting into Chewie's catnip again, haven't you? >"I wouldn't >mind having a few ships like this in the fleet." "I know what you >mean." TOM: [as Han] Let's steal it! >The door bleeped again, this time it was Leia. "They're ready >for us in the conference room. Let's see if we can find a way home, >shall we?" The four of them left the room. ALL: [singing] Weeeeeee're of to see the wizard... >"Where's Luke?" Asked >Wedge." "Probably lost," quipped Han, Chewie growled at him. ALL: [muted trumpet] Mwah mwah mwah mwaaaaaaaaaah! TOM: Oh, that wacky Han! He's a laugh riot in *two* galaxies! >* They >walked into the conference room. Luke and Lando were there in uniform. >Picard and Riker stood as the four rebels entered. Luke and Lando were >in a discussion TOM: [as Lando] Seriously, I think "Corvette Summer" is a really bad idea. CROW: [as Luke] Oh, like "Deadly Illusion" is a smart move. >as were Beverly and Deanna. "Welcome," Picard >indicated some seats. "We can begin as soon as the station liaison and >Cmdrs Data and LaForge arrive." Han sat nearest Picard and Leia took >a seat offered by the grinning Cmdr Riker. MIKE: It's a Cheshire Commander Riker. >"Captain," Han asked. "Has >there been any progress finding out where we are and if it is possible >to get back?" "I believe so General. Cmdr Data has the details and he >will brief us in a moment. CROW: [as Han] As long as he doesn't debrief us, I'm all for it. >You all seem very anxious to get back to >what seems like a rather tense situation." "We're at war," Han >stated. "We're fighting for the freedom of the Galaxy..." he said a >little louder than he wanted to. Leia looked at him and a smile >crossed her lips. MIKE: Ow. >"There is a rumor that the Empire is building a >super weapon. TOM: It'll be really keen! >Powerful enough to destroy an entire planet." >Picard's >face went blank. The thought crossed his mind that MIKE: ... he'd left the cap off his toothpaste that morning. >these people may be >battling the Borg, but he dismissed it. "We're expected at Sullust in >a week..." The door opened and Artoo-Detoo rolled in looking as good >as new. See-Threepio followed him in. Data, Geordie and Sisco were >right behind. "Let's begin shall we?" Picard sat down. "Mr. Data..." >"Aye, sir," Data walked to the holoscreen and turned it on. CROW: Unfortunately, no one had taken the A/V class at Starfleet Academy, so they spent the rest of the meeting watching "Love Connection" reruns. >"After >studying the star charts provided by General Solo, I have found TOM: ... that I can't understand them at all, so I guess you're stuck here, too bad, the end. MIKE: No such luck, my bubble-headed friend. >what I >think to be your probable point of origin." The animation on the >screen was of federation space, but expanded out to show the whole >galaxy and zoomed out faster until the screen was filled with what >looked like stars, but were actually galaxies. One galaxy illuminated. >"This, I believe is your galaxy some 300 trillion light years away." >The room was filled with gasps and exchanged glances. TOM: [as Picard] So many gasps and exchanged glances... there's hardly room for us anymore! CROW: [weenie voice] Does that mean we can leave, sir? TOM: [Picard] Sit down and shut up, lieutenant. CROW: [weenie] Sitting and shutting, sir. >"It appears >that an anomaly caused by an exploding star caused a rift in the >hyperspace, in which your ships travel. MIKE: [as Data] This may be unusual in your part of the universe, but it happens all the time around here. >You arrived in the Gamma >quadrant and basically fell into the wormhole. TOM: [as Threepio] But the chances of this actually happening are nine gazillion to one! >The anomaly, if it is >as I theorize it to be, should remain stable for several days and >should work in reverse. It essentially acts as a "hyperwormhole." CROW: Wow, this guy is nearly as good at technobabble as a Star Trek writer! >However, it can also be used by others, if the Imperial ship were to >track you, it would end up at the other end of the wormhole, and may >be able to track you through it to this system." Again, faces were >shocked MIKE: Ow! Quit it. >and glances were shot across the table. Geordie stood up and >Data sat down, TOM: [as Geordi] But you didn't say, "Simon says"! >"We think that we can create an opening at this end >using a hyperdrive on a photon torpedo modified with an experimental >Carbon-60 zero-point detonator. CROW: Oh, sure, I... huh? >We think we can create an explosion >large enough to create an opening, luckily, it doesn't have to be as >strong as a supernova. Unfortunately, It must be fired from the other >side of the wormhole, TOM: [as Geordi] Again, I'm not sure why. Just trust me here. >so if the Star Destroyer shows show up, we may >be in for a bit of a situation." Geordie sat down again. All eyes >were on Captain Picard. "Mr. LaForge and Mr. Data, you are to work on >that torpedo. MIKE: [as Picard] See if you can get it to talk. >Cmdr Sisco, I think you will agree that we are in a very >real danger of attack by these Imperials." TOM: [as Picard] And we know they're bad because our new friends here told us so. >"Yes sir," Sisco agreed. >"It is my belief that these Imperials are not going to take well to >negotiation. MIKE: [as Sisco] I just know this somehow. Trust me on this one. >We should still try, but I think we would be best to plan >for the worst." TOM: [as Sisco] While we're at it, sir, have you considered buying a cemetery plot? >"Agreed. I'll send a Runabout to the far side of the >wormhole as a lookout." "The _Enterprise_ will undock so we can >maneuver. I suggest that the Alliance ships be brought aboard the >_Enterprise_ in the main shuttle bay." MIKE: I wonder if these guys have ever heard the story of the Trojan horse. CROW: Nah. The author knows they're good guys, so the characters know they're good guys. MIKE: Oh, sure, that makes perfect -- huh?! >"Agreed," Sisco nodded. He >turned to Han, "General, we will make the arrangements within the >hour." He tapped his communicator, "Sisco to DS9 Ops." "O'Brien here >sir." "O'Brien, you and Kira take the _Nile_ to the other side of the >wormhole and stand lookout for unfriendly visitors." CROW: [as Sisco] Jehovah's Witnesses, encyclopedia salesmen, the fuzz... you know, unfriendly visitors. >"Aye, sir, >O'Brien out." Picard stood "Dismissed." TOM: Okay! [Exeunt] [commercials] [back on the SOL. The guys are taking a break from the movie. Mike and Tom are playing Stratego. Crow is eating an enormous sammich.] MIKE: STRATEEEEEEEEEEEGOOO! TOM: Are you sure this is how you play? MIKE: Yeah, I told you it was, didn't I? Are you starting to doubt me, Thomas Servo? TOM: No, it's just that I found these instructions in the box, and their interpretation of the actual, you know, rules of play seems a little different from yours. MIKE: [picks instructions up from desk, tears them into shreds] You question my grasp of the game, Servo? TOM: Uh... not at all, sir. [suddenly, the SOL rocks] MIKE: Whoa! TOM: Whoa! CROW: Mmmmmmph! MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket #9! [Exterior: SOL. The Millenium Falcon appears to be nuzzling up to the Satellite.] [Interior: SOL. Mike and the bots stare at Cambot, aghast.] ALL: THE MILLENIUM FALCON?! MIKE: They're trying to make contact! Cambot, the hexfield viewscreen! [Hexfield opens, and we see Han Solo sitting in the cockpit of the MF. He's a little heavier, his hair's a little longer, and he's grown a goatee.] ALL: HAN SOLO! MIKE: What are you doing here? TOM: How'd you get here? CROW: Mmmmph? HAN: [chuckles] Hey, boys, how ya doing? Yeah, Chewie and I were just toolin' around your part of the universe, and we thought we'd stop by and see how it's going. MIKE: Well, uh, we're fine, General Solo. How's it going with the Rebellion? HAN: Oh, that. That's been over for what... ten, eleven years. Yeah, let's see... Lando got himself elected president of the galaxy, but... well, to be honest, he was impeached. ALL: Impeached? HAN: Yeah, well, there was a scandal with a llama and several hundred cubic meters of peat moss. It's over now, but Lando'll never be the same. He's in a rest home on Traquilla IV. TOM: Wow. So how about Luke? HAN: Luke? Oh he's fine, fine. Still stops by from time to time, but he's awfully busy with the tour and all. MIKE: Tour? HAN: Yeah, the Jedi Light Show and Revue. It's very popular. CROW: [swallows sammich mouthful] Say, what about that babe Leia? You two still an item? HAN: [looks uncomfortable; runs hand through hair] Weelllll, not in the sense that we're actually together, no. She decided I was an arrogant jerk and ran off with that Wedge guy. Said he had a geeky appeal that I lack. MIKE: Sheesh. Women. HAN: I hear ya, buddy. Well, listen, I gotta go pick Chewie up from the vet's. Y'all take care, okay? ALL: Thanks! Bye! [etc.] [Hexfield closes. Mike and bots look at each other.] CROW: Mike, if that ever happens to us... kill us. Instantly. TOM: Agreed. [USENET sign] ALL: USENET sign! [general panic ensues.] [door sequence] > * * * >"Lord Vader, the ship is prepared for the jump to hyperspace," Captain >Drekker informed the Dark Lord as he stared out into the blackness. >"Make the jump," he said not looking at the Captain. TOM: [as Vader] And this time, you'd better make it a proper axel. >"Yes, my lord," >He turned on his heel and gave the signal to engage the hyperdrive. >The ship flickered and was gone. MIKE: Which proved unfortunate for all its inhabitants, who were floating unprotected in space. >No sooner had they settled into >hyperspace, the ship was rocked MIKE: ... by Lollapallooza MCXXVII! ALL: Woo-hoo! >and nearly torn apart. The Star >Destroyer _Nosferatu_ TOM: In case you didn't notice the name the last five times we said it. >hurdled through space out of control. ALL: [cheer] >People >and equipment were thrown about, even Darth Vader had to grab onto the >railing so as not to be tossed around. "As I feared sir," Lt. Fulson >advised Captain Drekker, MIKE: [as Lt Fulson] ...Pauly Shore is coming out with a new movie. >"We have hit a hyperspace shock wave from >a supernova..." the Lt. was thrown to the floor of the operations pit. ALL: [cheer again] >He picked himself up ALL: Boo! >against all of the other officers and men falling >around him, too frightened to do their jobs. All but Lt. Fulson began >to choke and claw at their throats. CROW: Vader spared him because he's a know-it-all? MIKE: Apparently. CROW: Cool. Guess that means I'm safe. >"We are off of our charts, we are >nowhere near a marker of any kind." The ship was beginning to steady. >"Disengage the hyp..." Before Captain Drekker could finish, >everything stopped. CROW: Including the hearts of every member of the crew, killing them instantly, and allowing the fanfic to end. [starts to get up] TOM: Not so fast, Goldenrod. CROW: GAH! Tom, quit quoting Star Wars in a Star Wars fanfic, okay? Especially this one. It's so... derivative. MIKE: It's plagarism is what it is. TOM: Oh, like we should talk. >The ship stabilized and the stars returned to >normal. Drekker threw a sidelong glance at Vader as he pulled himself >to his feet with as much dignity as possible. "What happened, >Captain?" Vader asked as he walked toward Drekker. MIKE: [as Captain] Well, first the Earth's crust cooled, and then -- >"As we feared, we >have been knocked, as far as we can tell, out of the galaxy by a >hyperspace shock wave from the supernova. We have no idea how far >we've come or where we are, my Lord," Drekker spat. CROW: He'd better hope that doesn't get on Vader's boots. >"Is this where >the rebels went, Captain," he said the word 'Captain' with a sense of >impermanence. "My Lord," Drekker took a visible breath. TOM: [as Vader] Woo! Drekker, you ever thought about brushing your teeth after lunch? >He was rarely shaken, MIKE: Sometimes stirred. >but Vader was beginning to grate on his last nerve. "There is >no way to tell if this is where they came or not. We don't even know >where we are. We will have to run tests and see if we can find a trace CROW: Huh? >of them," the Captain had regained his composure. "Excellent, >Captain. I will be in my chambers, TOM: [as Vader] Anybody got a magazine I can borrow? >I will be notified of your progress every hour." >He turned and walked off the bridge. Drekker turned >away. "Lt., Launch scout ships and run full scanner sweeps. Let us try >to find out where our rebel friends have gotten to, shall we?" MIKE: [as lieutenant] I dunno, sir. You're the captain. >"Sir, >long range radio transmission will be impossible. There is some sort >of electromagnetic interference, it must be related to the shock >wave." "Tell the TIEs to stick with their wings then." "Very good, >sir," Fulson began attending to his duties. Several squadrons of >TIE/rc fighters emerged from the ventral Docking bay of the star >destroyer. The began combing the system for the rebels. > * * * >Deanna. Can you here me? Luke reached out across the Promenade >on DS9. MIKE: [as Deanna] Yes, and you misspelled "hear." >Yes, Luke. I knew it! You are a telepath. CROW:[as Luke] No sh- MIKE: *Ahem.* CROW: Hmm. Hrmph. >She walked toward him. >"No. Not really. Where I am from, some have the power to manipulate >the Force. An energy field created by all the living things in the >universe that binds the universe together. TOM: [as Deanna] Yes, but what about it? >Once there were thousands >of warriors called Jedi Knights that utilized this to spread justice >and peace throughout our galaxy. I am the last of the knights. You are >a telepath?" "No," She replied in awe of what he just told her. "I am >any empath. MIKE: Not a particular empath. Just any empath. >I can sense what others are feeling. I'm only telepathic >with other Betazoids." TOM: [as Deanna] I don't believe in interracial telepathy. >The two started walking through the Promenade >toward the security bays. "Then you are not human?" he asked puzzled. >"Only half," she replied. She looked puzzled for a moment. "Is the >Princess a Jedi knight?" Luke was startled that she even had the >idea. "No...she may be someday however. MIKE: [as Luke] She's sued the knights for sexual discrimination, and her case is being heard by the Supreme Court next month. >We are closely related. She is >very strong in the Force." "You are very concerned about the man that >is following you." "Yes. Darth Vader is a dark Jedi. His soul was >consumed by evil, but I believe he may be saved. I must confront him >soon." "You care for him, this man who is trying to kill you." CROW: Welcome to Telepathy Theatre. Today, two mind-readers get together and tell each other what they're feeling. >"I >suppose that you could say that. He's my father. Or used to be before >turning to the darkside. TOM: [as Luke] But I guess he's still my father. I mean, the paternity tests were positive. Oh, whatever, he still wants me dead. >"Oh," Deanna was shocked. "It was a >conscious choice for him to turn?" "The dark side is very powerful >and seductive. MIKE: Well, you know what they say about power... CROW: No, what? MIKE: Umm... maybe when you're older. >A man...or woman with a weakness of spirit may be >tempted down the wrong path." Luke changed the subject, "You have a >strength in the Force that I haven't felt for a long time." MIKE: [as Deanna] Yeah, as if I haven't heard that one before, laser breath. >"I do?" >Deanna was taken aback by this. "How could I..." "Ah...You must be >the traveler I've heard so much about!" Suddenly Quark stepped in >front of them his arms full of trashy trinkets. TOM: So Quark's in pr? >"You must desire >things to take with you. Souvenirs, gifts, trinkets. I..." "No, thank >you," Luke said and kept walking. "No, Thank you," Quark said >glazedly. Luke passed into the crowd and Quark shook his head. "How, >did you...?" Deanna was shocked that Quark was turned away so quickly. TOM: Ah! I see. He's in telemarketing. >"The Force has a strong influence over the weak minded," Luke smiled >remembering his former teacher Ben Kenobi. "You mean you manipu..." >"No, I just nudged it. I have the ability to warp people's minds. MIKE: So does watching ten episodes of "Blossom" back to back. TOM: Mike, you are cruel and unusual. >Make >them lose concentration, even distort their realities, but that is >dangerously close to the darkside." CROW: [as Luke] Which is why I only use it on salesferengi. >They arrived at Security Bay Six. >Constable Odo was standing outside the door with Luke's lightsaber in >his hand. MIKE: [as Odo] The batteries were running low. I replaced them. Hope you don't mind. >"It appears that you will be leaving us Cmdr Skywalker," >Odo risked a rare smile and handed Luke his lightsaber. "You may need >this in the coming fight. Good Luck." Luke shook Odo's hand. "May the >Force be With You." TOM: (tm) >Odo gave Luke a bewildered look MIKE: [as Odo] Here, take this look. From you to me. >and strode off. TOM: I suggest we stride off. CROW: Good idea. [Exeunt] [commercials] > * * * >"PS917-" the TIE pilot called over the radio. TOM: TK421, why aren't you at your post? TK421, do you copy? CROW: Tom, you really frighten me sometimes. >"My scanners are >showing a distortion in space over here at coordinates 98.10.5." >"PS372, My sensors are showing the same thing." "Head back to the >_Nosferatu_ and inform the Captain and Lord Vader." MIKE: No way! You tell them. >"On my way." >Just then the Wormhole opened up and sucked the TIEs through. > * * * >"Chewie, get the ship ready for lift off," Han called to Chewie. The >Wookie went inside the ship and almost immediately the Falcon came >alive, purring like a kitten. "Get these specs to Cmdr Data, pronto, >so he can TOM: ... see. MIKE: That's "specifications," not "spectacles," Tom. TOM: I know, but see, there was this really long paragraph and no good riffs, and I just.... >get started on the torpedo's hyperdrive," Geordie handed the >PADD to an ensign and he walked briskly to the transporter room. >"Well, General, it looks like we got all the information we need for >the hyperdrive. It should work for a few minutes anyway. CROW: [as Geordi] After that, you're meat. I'd start praying now if I were you. >I'll be >heading back to the _Enterprise_ now. I'll see you on board." "Wait," >Han stopped him, "I can take you over there." Geordie's face lit up. TOM: He stuck his finger in an electrical socket. >"I wouldn't want to impose." "I need a navigator. I don't know where >the hell the main hanger bays are on that ship of yours. MIKE: Try the closet. >Get on >board." Geordie half-ran onto the ship. TOM: [as Igor] Walk this way. No, this way. With the cane. >He took a seat in the cockpit >behind Han's. Han sat in the pilot's chair and put his headset on, >"Luke, do you copy?" "Loud and clear, Han." "Wedge?" "Gotcha, >General." "DS9 control. _Millenium Falcon_ and two X-Wing fighters >ready for departure to _Enterprise_. Request Clearance for security >Bay Six." MIKE: We have clearance, Clarence. >"_Millenium Falcon_ you are clear. Security Bay Six is open >and ready for your departure." CROW: [nasal and muffled] Rrroger, Millienium Falcon, you are cleared and hot. >"_Millenium Falcon_ out." The >thrusters under the _Falcon_ MIKE: Yeah, okay. Don't ever say "thrusters" again. >and the two X-Wings ignited TOM: It's the Hindenburg all over again! CROW: They shoulda known better than to use hydrogen as fuel. >and the ships >lifted out of the bay and pivoted toward the _Enterprise_. "DS9 >control. _Millenium _Falcon__ and fighters clear." TOM: Which gives them a real advantage in battle. CROW: It's like Wonder Woman's plane. MIKE: Wonder Woman... grrrrrrrrwwwww.... TOM: Do you have permission to use that? > * * * >"Runabout _Nile_ to DS9," O'Brien radioed, "I'm about to enter the >wormhole." "You are clear for passage, _Nile_," Odo's voice came over >the speaker. O'Brien engaged the warp engines to warp 1 and the >wormhole opened its huge, cavernous mouth and swallowed the Runabout. >Once inside the wormhole, the window was filled with the lights and >colors that he was just getting used to. MIKE: [as O'Brien] It's like this bad acid trip I... uh, never mind. >The proximity alarm began to >wail and his ship nearly ran head-on into two small craft. He swerved >the ship, and missed. "Could be the Imperials," he said. CROW: He *is* psychic! >He shot out >of the far end of the wormhole and dropped out of warp. A huge ship >was on the scope. He brought the view to full magnification. "The Star >Destroyer," He said in sheer awe of it's size. He tried to fire the >maneuvering thrusters, but they were offline. "Damn! The warp engines >too." TOM: Because... okay, I give up. Why, exactly? >By now they could see a ship of unknown configuration coming >toward them. "What I wouldn't give for a cloaking device," he looked >at Kira's somber expression. CROW: [as O'Brien] Heck, I'd toss you right on out of the airlock if I could... uh... *ahem*. > * * * >"Captain all recon/scanning patrols are in, except two," Fulson >reported. TOM: "The Empire Strikes Back." CROW: Well, not exactly... >"Were they destroyed?" "No, Captain, there was no fight, >they just disappeared from our scopes. Then another ship reappeared, >I cannot tell it's class, it could be one of the TIEs" Drekker raised >his eyebrows. CROW: I can't think of any more eyebrow jokes. TOM: Me neither. MIKE: Leave it, boys. >"Send a party out to look for them, and bring in this >other ship if it isn't the TIE. This may not have been the safest >place for the rebels to hide." "Yes, Captain." * The three rebel >ships were heading for the _Enterprise_ when the two TIEs emerged >from the wormhole. "What are those ships?" Geordie indicated to Han. >Han's face lost all expression. MIKE: Like that's anything new. >He flipped the comm switch "Two >Imperial TIE fighters 10 o'clock." "Got 'em," Luke said, "Lock spars >in attack position." The two X-Wings' S-foils CROW: Umm... TOM: Oh, save the effort. It doesn't make sense. CROW: Okay. >moved to position, but >they stayed in formation. "Lando," Han called, "Get the Quads up!" >Lando ran around the corner and to the upper quad gun. Han turned to >Geordie. "It looks like your getting to try out your handiwork, kid. TOM: [as Geordi] Aye-aye, sir! Toss me those knitting needles. >Take the other quad. "Yes, sir!" Geordie jumped up and got into >position on the lower gun. MIKE: [as Geordi] Oh, goody! Now I get to shoot something! CROW: [as Lando] Is anyone else a little worried about letting the blind kid shoot at things? >He glanced at Lando who gave him a thumbs >up. "Just point and shoot kid. It's as easy as a Twilekkian Whore," MIKE: Whoa! Uh, you guys didn't see that. TOM: See what? CROW: I saw it. I didn't get it, but I saw it. >Lando smiled. Geordie adjusted himself CROW: He plays baseball in the off-season. >and got ready. "Here we go >kiddos," Han hollered. MIKE: [as Geordi] Sheesh! Keep it down, would ya? > The X-Wings broke off and sped ahead to the >bewildered TIE fighters. The TIEs reacted quickly however. A quick and >dirty firefight took place. Luke and Wedge expertly exterminated one >and Geordie took out the other at the behest of Han's piloting. TOM: Boy, that was... exciting. >"We'd >better get to _Enterprise_, Chewie," Han said, "Regroup and head for >_Enterprise_, kids," Han called to Luke and Wedge. Lando and the numb >Geordie walked into the cockpit. TOM: [as Lando] Gave the kid some novocaine. Hope you don't mind. >"Nice shooting, kid," Han said with a >smile. "Now where do I park this thing?" Geordie guided the three >ships to the main shuttle bay. [commercials] > * * * >"It seems our friends have taken the initiative with the Imperials," >Cmdr Riker said over the din of the red alert klaxons. Troi looked at >Riker, "I think they may know better than we do, who they are dealing >with." MIKE: [as Riker] Do I need you to state the obvious? I don't think so! >She looked out into the shuttle bay as the _Millenium Falcon_ >swung around inside the huge bay. "That doesn't sound like you. >You're usually willing to give everyone a chance," Riker was looking >at her intently. CROW: [as Riker] Like that guy back on Risa. I told you he was a jerk, but did you listen? No! You *insisted* on giving him a chance? What were we talking about again? >"I talked with Luke Skywalker today. He is an >incredibly powerful person. TOM: [as Riker] And I'm not? You like him better than me, don't you? Admit it! Come on, admit it! >He can manipulate 'the Force,' the energy >that surrounds all living things. His powers extend even to mind >control, although he will not go that far..." MIKE: [as Riker] Yadda yadda yadda, force that surrounds all living things... yadda yadda yadda... mind control. Like I haven't heard *that* before. >"How do you know?" >Riker challenged. Deanna looked at him as if she didn't believe what >he had just said. "He could be manipulating your mind," Riker said. TOM: [as Riker] And you could be manipulating my mind. AUGH! CROW: Trust no one. MIKE: Heck, at least he's admitting that they're trusting these Rebel people a little blindly. TOM: It's just too bad it had to be Riker. >"I trust him, Will," she said effectively ending the argument. The >_Falcon_ settled into place facing to the exit, MIKE: [as Han] Good thing I didn't have to parallel park! They're still rebuilding from the last time I tried that. >for quick launch and >was flanked on either side by the X-Wings. Captain Picard, Princess >Leia, Data and Worf joined Riker and Troi on the observation balcony. >The _Falcon_'s main hatchway opened and the X-Wing cockpits popped >open. TOM: Pop-o-matic pops the dice! >"Our friends have arrived it appears. I have some bad news, I'm >afraid. The Imperials have captured Chief O'Brien and Major Kira." >Both Riker and Troi's faces went blank. MIKE: Apparently, people in the future express deep emotion by going into vapor lock. CROW: But I thought Star Wars happened a long, long time ago. TOM: He's slow, but he's not very bright. CROW: Huh? > * * * >"How're ya doin' back here Artoo?" Luke asked of his robot friend. CROW: I was fine until you started shooting at things, idiot! >A >whistle of excitement told Luke that he was fine and that he was glad >to be flying starfighters again. "Very funny, Artoo," TOM: I didn't think it was funny at all, just for the record. >Luke jumped >down to the deck. He walked over to the main hatchway. Han and Geordie >came down followed by Lando and Chewbacca. "Did you see that shot, >Luke?" Han pointed to Geordie. MIKE: [as Luke] You *shot* Geordi?! Geez, that hardly seems fair... oh, you mean the shot he made. Sorry. >"Just like he'd been doing it >forever." Wedge joined them as did the Captain and everyone else. CROW: Evidently, the author got tired of listing everyone's movements. TOM: I know I'm tired of reading about them. >Worf handed Chewie, Han, Wedge and Lando their weapons. "You may >be needing these. I'm afraid I have some bad news." Picard announced. TOM: [as Picard] Deanna's pregnant, and one of you is the father. Now start shooting, and may the best man win. MIKE: If it's the Wookie, I feel very sorry for the child. > * * * >"We've done nothing!" CROW: [as Col. Klink] I know nussingk! >"Where are you taking us?" >"Silence!" the Stormtrooper's voice came out of the speaker in his >helmet. ALL: Eeeeeeeeewww! >Kira and O'Brien looked at each other and readjusted their >hands in their bindings. They followed the two white armored troopers >and glanced back at the other two troops. CROW: [as Kira, whispering] Still there? TOM: [as O'Brien, ditto] Yup. Right where they were ten seconds ago. >They were led to a prison >block and locked in separate cells. The doors of their cells slammed >shut and they were left alone. TOM: [singing] No one is aloooooooooone... >O'Brien tapped his communicator out of >reflex. Kira's communicator beeped in the next cell. "Chief?" she >tapped her communicator in surprise. MIKE: [as Kira] Hey! This thing talks! >"Major, it appears that their >communication blocks, if they have any, aren't set for our >frequencies. We should keep our communications down, though, or they >might figure it out," O'Brien told Kira. CROW: You think they'll call DS9? TOM: Nah. That would advance the plot. >Nearly a half an hour passed >and Kira and O'Brien spent most of the time searching their cells for >any sort of way to escape. Kira had just given up looking and sat down >on the sleeping slab MIKE: The Craftmatic Adjustable Sleeping Slab! For the comfort of your prisoners. >when the door hissed open. A huge black-armored >figure strode accompanied by TOM: ...the London Symphony Orchestra. >two of the white armored troopers into >the cell. The door slammed down behind them. Kira was taken aback for >a moment. "Who the hell are you? Why have you taken us prisoner? We >have done not..." Kira was cut off. "I will ask the questions, Major >Kira," CROW: I control the horizontal. I control the vertical. >the black figure spoke, his breathing was separate from his >speech and his voice was impossibly deep and foreboding. MIKE: [as James Earl Jones] That's not a gun, it's your finger. >"You will >tell me how your ship arrived here and where the rebel criminals are >hiding." "I don't know what you're talking about! We were on a >scientific research mission gathering data about this wormhole. We >have not seen any criminals." TOM: We're on a diplomatic mission! >"You are lying!" He paused, the hiss of >his mechanical breathing filled Kira's ears, "Perhaps we will find new >ways to motivate you," MIKE: [as Vader] Tomorrow, you will read Stephen Covey's "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People." >The figure turned and strode from the cell. The >door slammed shut again. She waited a few minutes and risked a call to >O'Brien. CROW: [as Kira] So, like, are you going to the Val party on Friday? >"Yes, Major," O'Brien answered. "Chief, we have a problem." >"You're not kidding!" MIKE: [as Kira] No, I'm not! Why don't you ever take me seriously? >"What did you tell Vader?" "Name, rank and >service number, what else? Who did you say?" "Uh...never mind," Kira >stopped herself, realizing that they are probably being monitored. TOM: She's quick. >"What are we going to do?" CROW: [as O'Brien] I was going to take a nap. Why? What are you going to do? >"I have no idea, but our angel of death >friend seemed pretty upset that we couldn't tell him anything." >"Yeah, 'new ways to motivate'?" Kira clenched her teeth at the thought >of what he might have meant. MIKE: [as Kira] I hate motvational speakers. > * * * >"Sir, the scanner field diverters are in place. We are ready to go." >Picard opened a channel to the _Millenium Falcon_, "General Solo, the >diverters should shield your ship from almost any kind of scan. We >will have the emergency explosive bolts TOM: [German accent] Ja, de hatch vis de explosive bolts. >on the bay at your command in >case you are discovered. Otherwise, we will open the doors 25 seconds >prior to firing the torpedo." "Very good, Captain Picard. We'll >monitor your transmissions and be ready for whatever happens. Solo >out," Han flipped the the comm switch to 'monitor.' "Leia, Lando are >you all set back there?" Han spoke into the headset. "We're all set, >Han," Lando answered. "What are we looking forward to." MIKE: A hot bath. TOM: RAM chips. CROW: Kim Catrall. >"I have a >funny feeling Picard's going to get more than he's bargained for. He >still thinks that he can talk his way out of this. TOM: [as Lando] I've heard that guy talk. We're dead. >I really don't know >what to expect, just keep your ears open. Luke, Wedge, are you set?" >"Yes, sir," Wedge gave a thumbs up through the window. "All set, >Han," Luke affirmed. "Keep your heads up guys." MIKE: Ears open! 'BOTS: Check! MIKE: Heads up! 'BOTS: Check! MIKE: Okay, the cliche generator works. > * * * >"Mr. Data, set a course for the entrance of the wormhole, full >impulse," Picard leaned back in his chair and gave a glance to Riker. >"Aye, sir," Data set the course solemnly. MIKE: Thank goodness. I hate it when Data cuts a caper while he sets the course. > * * * >"Sir," Lt. Fulson, "Scanners are picking up a huge disturbance in the >same vicinity that the two TIEs disappeared and we picked up that >small craft. This is a much larger anomaly than anything that we have >detected before." Vader turned his head and strode back. Lt. Fulson's >face tensed up. CROW: That boy needs a massage or something. >"There have been other disturbances and I wasn't >notified?" Fulson swallowed hard, MIKE: [as Fulson] Uh... you were in the bathroom, o dark one! >"My Lord, I..." he began to choke >and gasp for air. He clutched at his throat. Captain Drekker watched >as his first officer asphyxiated to death. TOM: As opposed to asphyxiating to life, I suppose. >He gulped and looked at >Vader who was obviously fuming. "Your next executive officer will > not let us down again, Captain," Vader admonished walked off of the >bridge. Capt. Drekker straightened his tunic, TOM: Apparently, Drekker deals with stress by playing with his clothing. >"Set a course to the >area of the disturbance." CROW: Course set for Bob Saget's house, aye sir. > * * * >As the _Enterprise_ emerged from the wormhole, the view screen was >literally filled with the image of the immense Star Destroyer that was >sitting at the entrance. The _Enterprise_ came very close to the bow >of it. "Hard Starboard!" Riker yelled. MIKE: "Soft Port!" Picard shouted. >Data's hands flew over the >helm with lightning speed. The _Enterprise_ pulled to the starboard. >"Full stop, Mr. Data," Captain Picard stood slowly and tugged at his >tunic just taking in the sheer immensity of the Star Destroyer. MIKE: Oh no! There's a plague of clothing-adjusting spreading through the galaxy! >"Star >Destroyer is a good name," Worf said in admiration. TOM: [as Worf] I just saw it destroy a star. >"That it is, Mr. >Worf," Picard acknowledged, coming back to reality, CROW: Yeah. Like he'd know reality if it walked up and bit him. >"Let's hope that >it can't live up to its name. Hail them." "Captain, I sense a source >of unthinkable evil," Deanna said shaking her head staring at the >screen. TOM: [as Picard] So don't think about it, dimwit. MIKE: [as Deanna] It's coming from a place called... Deep 13. >"I'm not surprised from what Cmdr Skywalker tells me," Picard >turned to face the bridge crew. "I am told that this Darth Vader has >extremely powerful psychic powers including telekinesis and >clairvoyance. ALL: [singing] He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake... >We must be careful..." >he was cut off by the image of >the black cowled Darth Vader on the screen. "This is the Imperial >Star Destroyer _Nosferatu_. You are harboring criminals wanted by the >Empire. You will surrender and prepare to be CROW: ... spanked. >boarded. CROW: Oh. >We will take the >prisoners..." "What criminals?" Picard cut Vader off, sounding >impetuous and relaxed. TOM: And Picard is wearing an ensemble from de la Renta that is at once impetuous and relaxed. >Vader's mechanical breathing hastened at being >cut off. "We have seen no such criminals. We are merely searching >after a lost reconnaissance ship. We lost contact with it just over an >hour ago. Have you seen..." CROW: [as Picard] ...my diamond tennis bracelet? I can't find it *anwyhere*. >Vader cut off Picard this time, his deep >voice noticeably perturbed. "You are lying. They are with you now. >You will turn them over and you too will be taken as criminals of the >Empire to stand trial." Picard's voice was calm, but the back of his >neck was red and the veins in his temples were pulsing. MIKE: [as Riker] Stand back! His head's about to explode! >"We will do >no such thing. We have no knowledge of your criminals. We shall..." >Suddenly Picard's voice faltered. He grasped his throat. Vader was >silent except for the relentless rising and falling of his mechanized >breathing. Picard's face was red and he fell to his knees. Riker and >Deanna were at his side. Deanna was trying with all of her empathic >abilities to shield the Captain. "Cut transmission!" Riker shouted. >Worf cut the signal, and Picard's face relaxed. TOM: So Vader can only affect people's minds through subspace transmissions? I don't *think* so. >He was no longer >choking, but he was dazed. CROW: And confused. >"Cmdr," Data turned in his seat, "We are >apparently caught in a tractor beam of some sort. We are being pulled MIKE: ... toward a monster truck rally. >toward the bay on the bottom of the ship." > * * * >"It sounds like they've got us," Han said staring out the front of the >cockpit. CROW: [as Han] And I'd like to see the person who said these ships were fast and powerful, please. Your hinder and my boot have an appointment. >"Couldn't we just blast out of here?" Leia asked knowing the >answer. "We'd just get pulled in too, and we would blow Captain >Picard's bluff prematurely," Han said, his brow furrowed in thought. >"You think he has something?" Leia queried. TOM: [as Han] Well, he did, but the antibiotics -- oh, that's not what you meant, was it? >"It seems like Vader has >already called the bluff." "Maybe, but I think the Imperials may not >trust Vader's intuition as much as he'd like us to believe." Han >risked a communication link to the X-wings, hoping the diverters would >screen out any communications inside the field. "Luke. Have you got >anything, kid?" TOM: [as Luke] Well, I did, but the antibiotics -- >"Vader is certain that we're on board, but the rest >of the ship doesn't really seem to care. CROW: [as Luke] They're all thinking about the kegger in Drekker's quarters later. ALL: Woo-hoo! >I imagine, MIKE: Yeah, right. >they're still a >bit shaken from the trip, and are more concerned with getting home." >"Let's hope so, kid. Solo out." The entryway sensor sounded and Han >flipped a switch. "Who is it?" he asked, half-mockingly. "Cmdrs Data >and LaForge, General. We have a problem." CROW: [as Geordi] We seem to have tied our sleeves together, General. >"I'll say. Come on in, >kid." > * * * >Han, Lando, Data, Geordie and Picard were in conference room on the >bridge of the _Enterprise_. "We can probably destroy the tractor >emitter by beaming a photon torpedo on timer into it or near it, but >what happens then?" MIKE: The fanfic will end, and we'll all go home? TOM & CROW: Yay! >Picard asked for ideas. "Your transporter systems >will work through the tractor beam?" Han asked, his face lighting up >with a whole new realm of possibilities. "There's a lot of >electromagnetic interference, but we believe it may be possible to >beam inorganic matter through it with no trouble, but humans would be >too risky," Data answered. CROW: [as Data] So we'll send Worf instead. >"How about once the tractor was down? >Could you beam people onto the ship?" Lando asked hopefully. "Yes," >Data replied. "However, we wouldn't have much time before we would >have to raise shields again. No degree of accuracy could be >guaranteed." TOM: Their transporter has a Pentium processor. CROW: Warning! Intel inside. >"As long as we didn't get beamed onto the main bridge, >or a reactor core, we should be okay." TOM: Or, say, out into deep space. CROW: Wishful thinking. >"We can minimize the odds of >transporting into and area of high traffic or any sort of dangerous >area," Data added. "Sir," Riker's voice interrupted. MIKE: The rest of him was having a fantasy involving Deanna and a *whole* lot of chocolate syrup. >"We can only >hold out for another ten minutes tops." CROW: [as Riker] Before we have to make another beer run. > "Yes Number One," Picard >tapped his commbadge. "I think we've got something." "We can get an >away team onto the Star Destroyer, but we'll only have a short time to >find Kira and O'Brien, that is if they are still alive," Picard >explained. CROW: He's a real glass-half-empty person, isn't he? >"The brigs on Star Destroyers are pretty small, it >shouldn't take long to find them. I trained on these ships during my >academy days," Han announced to most everyone's surprise. "Long >story," He said, looking around at everyone's surprised looks. MIKE: [as Han] See, it was a long time ago in a galaxy... well, you know. >"Alright then," Picard stood. "General, will you accompany the away >team?" "Sure, Captain," Han answered standing as well. ALL: Stand up, sit down, fight fight fight! >"Good," The >group left the conference room and Picard spoke again, "Mr. Data, >Worf, accompany the General on the away team. Draw phasers TOM: A little Pictionary never fails to lighten up even the dullest of meetings! >and >report to transporter room three." "I'll return to the _Falcon_ and see >what happens," Lando said looking at Han. Worf, Data, Han and Lando >got into the turbolift. They gave it the orders MIKE: Three tuna subs and an order of curly fries to go, please. >and they stood in tense >silence. Both Generals knew the odds of what they were going up >against. Lando and company had just rescued Han from the clutches >of Jabba the Hutt which was no picnic, but trying to break the fourth >most wanted Imperial traitor out of an Imperial stockade would make >Tatooine seem like hopscotch. MIKE: Tonight... on The Empire's Most Wanted. >Han knew that they were up against a >task of epic proportions, but what the Hell, when weren't they. The >turbo lift stopped at the main hangar bay. "Look, we go in we come >out. It's as simple as that," CROW: It's just like -- MIKE: [clears throat ominously] CROW: -- that part in "Patriot Games" where the SAS guys infilitrate the enemy camp and kill everybody while Harrison Ford watches the satellite feed. MIKE: That's what I thought you were going to say. >Han said reassuring himself more than >Lando. "Piece of cake. Besides, it'll take a lot more than an Imperial >Star Destroyer, 14,000 crew and an insane Dark Lord to stop me from >coming back for the _Falcon_." Lando nodded and smiled. "Will you >get going!" He stepped out and the door closed behind him. He glanced >back, "Pirate," He whispered under his breath and strode off toward >the _Falcon_. Inside, Chewie and Leia were in the cockpit waiting. TOM: Don't you think it's kind of discriminatory to leave the girl and the talking carpet out of the meeting? CROW: Uh... MIKE: Well... TOM: Me neither. Not in the Wookie's case, anyway. >"Well?" Leia asked. "Han went with the away team onto the Star >Destroyer to help rescue their people." A dark shadow of dread >crossed Leia's face. MIKE: A little concealer would help with that. >Chewbacca growled a negative. "It's the least we >could do. If it weren't for them, we'd be stuck here forever, and what >would happen with the Alliance?" CROW: Um... I got news for them. They're still stuck there. >"Brave to the end," Leia said to >herself. "What do we do?" "We sit under this shield and listen MIKE:... to Luke's Steely Dan tapes. >until >something bad happens or Han gets back. They are working on freeing >the ship from the tractor right now." TOM: Mike, I can't take much more of this. Let's get out of here. [Exeunt] [interior: SOL] [Crow and Tom are sitting at the computer. They have a scanner hooked up to it now.] TOM: ... so all I do it hit that button, and then... [Both laugh maniacally.] CROW: Uh, Tom, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but there's one eensy problem with your plan. TOM: What's that, friend? CROW: Neither of us has working arms. TOM: Oh. [brief silence] [enter Mike] MIKE: Hey, guys, what's up? TOM: MIKE! Good buddy. Listen, would you do me a favor? MIKE: Sure, what d'ya need? TOM: Would you be so kind as to hit that button there? MIKE: Which... this one? [Hits button on keyboard. Light flashes from the scanner. The computer whirs frantically. Crow and Tom both laugh evilly.] CROW: It's working! It's working, I tell you! MIKE: What... wait, what's going on? TOM: Well, see, Mike, in my free time, I worked up this program that will take our fanfics and make them into actual television programs! So all I had to do was take your E.M. Forster/X-Files crossover and pop it in the scanner there and hit that button that you so kindly hit, and pretty soon, "The Forster Files" will be amassing huge Neilsen ratings, and we'll be... we'll be... well, actually, it won't affect our lives at all, but we'll have the satisfaction of knowing we spawned a ridiculously overhyped and poorly written television series. MIKE: Well, that's... great, I suppose, but Tom... how did you manage to write the program and get the paper in the scanner without working arms? TOM: Simple. Voice-recognition software, duct tape, and Crow's beak. MIKE: But -- CROW: Nelson, you should really just relax. [computer beeps wildly] TOM: Uh-oh. We got a problem here. CROW: What's wrong? TOM: Uh... well, it seems I got my settings just a bit wrong, and I beamed Mike's fanfic into... CROW: Yes? MIKE: Well? TOM: ... Deep 13. [stunned silence. All look at each other.] MIKE: Oh my. CROW: You know, Dr. Forrester may be evil, but I'm not sure even *he* deserves that. [lights flash] MIKE: We'll have to deal with it later, guys -- we got fanfic sign! [door sequence] > * * * >"These communicators have been equipped with amplifiers CROW: Because Picard's getting a little hard of hearing, you know. >to compensate >for any shielding," the transporter chief handed everyone one. "Here >are two extra for O'Brien and Kira. I imagine that they took their >communicators." TOM: Since, after all, it's perfectly obvious that they're communicators and not just an insignia. >They all affixed their communicators. Data and Worf >holstered their phasers and placed small palm phasers in hidden >pockets in their trousers. CROW: So, is that a small palm phaser or are you just happy to see me? >Han undid ALL: NO! >the release on his blaster holster ALL: Phew. >and held it ready. They stepped onto the transporter pads. >"Stand by," the chief said. Geordie's voice came over the comm >system, "Torpedo detonation in three, two, one." MIKE: Contact! >The shipped surged >and Han felt the mildly disturbing tingling in his body TOM: Oo. Tingly. >and the >_Enterprise_ transporter room faded and revealed an empty corridor on >the _Nosferatu_. They took defensive positions scanning the area. ALL: [SWAT team] Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut... >"Lead the way, General," Worf growled, his warrior senses roused and a >hideous Klingon grin on his face. MIKE: Wipe that hideous Klingon grin off your face! >"You two are going to stick out >like a sore thumb around here," Han said looking at the pallid android >and the bizarre looking Klingon. Just then he shut up ALL: Yay! MIKE: That's getting a little old, guys. CROW: Can't help it. Gut reaction. >and went flat to >the wall. TOM: Mom! Han's doing his flounder imitation again. >The others did the same. "This might be our lucky day," Han >said sarcastically. His face fell CROW: Ouch! >as he saw the Imperial officer >coming around the corner, but it brightened again as he saw the two >stormtroopers behind him. He gestured to the others. It was swift and >clean. They dragged the bodies into an empty storage room. TOM: And another gripping battle scene comes to a breathtaking climax and then falls off the end of the earth. >Han >expertly deprived the former officer of his uniform and put it on, >cringing at the stiff feel of it. MIKE: [as Han] Phew! Haven't these guys ever heard of deodorant? >Data and Worf put the stormtrooper >armor on with little difficulty. Han tossed Worf and Data the >stormtrooper blasters, and Worf smiled his horrifying grin again. CROW: [as Han] Please never smile again. >They >put on their helmets. "Are you sure this will work?" Worf asked over >the mike MIKE: Huh? >in the stifling helmet. "Trust me," Han replied and they >left. > * * * >"Sir, the tractor beam is down," Geordie informed Picard from Ops. >"Good get some distance between us," Picard ordered TOM: So Geordi walked to the other end of the bridge. >standing and >looking in awe at the ship. "Bearing 180 mark 6." "Full impulse, >engage." The _Enterprise_ backed quickly away from the Star >Destroyer. ALL: [singing] Star trekkin' across the universe/Only going forward 'cause we can't find reverse! >The bridge crew was in awe at the sheer size of the beast. >It was at least as large as any of the Borg ships they'd come in >contact with. CROW: But not quite as square. >"She seems pretty slow to respond sir," Geordie said. >"They are just now channeling power to their weapons systems. CROW: They called the psychic friends network. Ha! Get it? Because it's channelling, see, and um... it... er... heh... >"Raise >shields," Riker said. "Shields up." "Hail them," Picard ordered >"Sir, do you think that's wise? Remember what happened last time?" MIKE: [as Picard] Actually, no. Funny thing, that. >Deanna cautioned. "Luke Skywalker says that Vader must have visual >contact with a person to do that." TOM: [as Picard] Explain away, Counselor! Nice work. >"Good point, counselor. Audio >only." The deep menacing voice boomed over the speakers accompanied >with the eerie breathing. MIKE: [as Vader] Luuuuuuuuke... I am your father... oh, LINE! >"Your efforts to escape are futile. >Surrender your vessel and prepare to turn over the traitors you are >harboring." Picard's voice shot out like a bullet, CROW: Piercing Riker's heart and killing him instantly. >"We are holding no >one. Your actions constitute an act of war. TOM: Dem's fightin' woids! >You will return the >members of our reconnaissance team and you will return to where you >came from or risk destruction. Is that clear," He glanced at Troi. She >shook her head. MIKE: [as Troi] Even I don't get it, sir. >Vader's answer came in the form of turbolaser blasts >into the shields. "Damage report," Riker barked. CROW: He is sort of a dog, come to think of it. >"Shields holding." >"Ready phasers and photon torpedoes," Riker ordered. "Geordie, can >you guess where to target that might do some damage?" CROW: [as Geordi] Uuhh... his head? Oh, you mean the *ship*. >"I can try sir, >if they have any decent shielding, they should be pretty safe, I can find >some good spots to work on though." "Fire at will, let them know >we're not defenseless." TOM: [as Riker] Stupid, but not defenseless. > Phasers lanced out from the _Enterprise_ and >photon torpedoes knocked at the turbo laser batteries and the main >docking bay. The _Nosferatu_ continued its assault on the >_Enterprise_ as well. > * * * >"It sounds like Vader didn't much like Captain Picard's ultimatum," >Leia stated the painfully obvious. CROW: So far, she's been good at that. >"Could this be the something bad >that's happening?" MIKE: [as Lando] Hmm... we're being fired at... no, I think that's good. >Lando brow was furrowed in concentration. "Maybe, >but we're supposed to wait for the bridge to say something..." He was >cut off as the direct line comlink bleeped. "It appears General that >they didn't believe us," Picard's voice crackled through the sensor >deflection field. "I think you might be right Captain," Lando >replied. "We could probably give them something more to think about." >"I think you may be right," TOM: Well, now that we've all agreed that everyone is right.... >Picard paused. "On my mark, we'll blow the >main shuttlebay doors and you should have a direct line to their >bridge." "We'll come out in a ball of fire, MIKE: Jerry Lee Lewis is on board. >give us a few seconds to >get systems on line. Calrissian out. Chewie, Leia get in the Quads, >fire them up. We're going to talk to Vader." CROW: [as Leia] But I thought we were going to go *fight* Vader! >He clicked on the >comlink. " Luke, Wedge, get ready, we're blasting out of here, let's >focus targets on the shield generators. We'll be at the bridge when >the doors blow." "Copy, General," Wedge replied. "Got it, Lando. May >the Force be with you." "You too, kid. CROW: [as Lando] Since Han's not here, I have to say "kid" a lot. >We're all set _Enterprise_." > * * * >"Copy, _Millenium Falcon_, stand by." Picard sat down in his chair. >"Move to the rear of the ship and set a course for just above them. >Stay there for a minute and give me a split second burst of MIKE: [as Picard] ...hysterical laughter. >high >warp," Picard ordered the helm. Riker smiled broadly at the Captain, >who shrugged in return. TOM: Am I the only one who's puzzled by that exchange? >"Mr. LaForge, the instant we come out of >warp, blow the main shuttle bay doors." "Aye, sir." > * * * >The _Enterprise_ nonchalantly moved to the rear of the _Nosferatu_ and CROW: ... goosed it! >was suddenly in two place at once. MIKE: You know, I'm having a hard time picturing this. >The main shuttlebay of the upper >_Enterprise_ erupted in a cloud of debris TOM: Only you can prevent foreign object damage! >and laser bolts as the >_Millenium Falcon_ and the two X-wings shot out and engaged the >_Nosferatu_ at point blank. The _Nosferatu_ was slow to notice, but >soon the all-too-familiar green turbolasers spat out at the new series >of foes. TOM: Is anyone else wondering what all those TIE fighters are doing during all this? CROW: No. MIKE: Don't borrow trouble, that's my motto. > * * * >As Han, Data and Worf made their way down the corridors, suddenly the >air was filled with klaxons CROW: Why doesn't one of those klaxons make itself useful and whang Han in the head? >and flashing red lights. The corridors >were soon flooded with troopers, officers and pilots. running to >battlestations. The three blended right in and made their way to the >brig. Han got a peek inside as a guard left. TOM: [as Han] Hubba hubba! The prisoners have sure improved since the last time I was here. >It was guarded >relatively sparsely, Only two officers and two guards in the cell bay. >Kira and O'Brien apparently weren't very high security prisoners, >which relieved Han as he remembered the fiasco with Leia on the Death >Star. MIKE: Remembered? He's living it. >He ducked back to Data and Worf, "There are four of them. This >is going to have to be quick." "Agreed, General." Data acknowledged. >Worf nodded in his helmet as well. TOM: [as Worf] Whew! Shouldn't have taken that cold medicine. It's making me drowsy. >"We'll wait until we get inside >and the door closes behind us." They headed for the door. It slid >open and they walked in. One of the officers looked over his shoulder. >"Who are you?" he asked straightening up. TOM: Where are you taking that... thing? CROW: Stop that, Tom. It's creepy. >The other officer turned and >the two stormtroopers moved into the control area. Han pointed down >the cell bay, "Hey! Get back in your cell." All eyes turned and the >three of them opened fire. MIKE: [as Han] I can't believe you fell for that! >Worf tore off his helmet and yelled a >ferocious Klingon battle yell, and polished off the last, very >startled officer. "You and Chewie would get along great," Han >muttered under his breath CROW: No, Chewie already tried to kill him, remember? MIKE: Hush, now. We're almost there. >looking over the computer readouts >"Nineteen-four-six and eight." TOM: Let's see... World War II was just ending, the United States was extending its cultural and commercial influence... >Worf and Data rushed down the bay and >opened the doors. Kira looked at Data in his stormtrooper outfit as >the door opened and stiffened, until Data's he removed his helmet. TOM: [as Leia] Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper? CROW: TOM! MIKE: Crow's right, Tom. That's just *weird*. >"I >am Lt. Cmdr Data from the U.S.S. _Enterprise_. I am here to rescue >you." Kira heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank God!" she stood and >followed Data, Worf and O'Brien back to the control room. > * * * >"Luke!" Wedge snapped into his mike. We've got company at 7 o'clock." MIKE: You'd better have your room straightened by then. Do you understand, young man? >"I see them!" Luke replied. "I've got six. You?" "Yeah! That's about >right. I'll get the three on the left." "I'm on right!" TOM: Bear left at the fork in the road. CROW: Right, frog! >The two >X-wings banked apart and split the TIE Interceptor pack apart. TOM: So I guess I should be careful what I wish for, huh? MIKE: Something like that. >Luke >destroyed two of his, but the third made a run for it. Chewbacca >picked it off as it crossed the path of the _Falcon_. Wedge picked off >two also, but the third got behind him. "Luke!" "I see him Wedge, >I'll be right there. Break hard right!" Wedge reached for the >controls, but his arm cramped up. MIKE: Ooo. That's why you need to stretch before you go into battle. >"What the..." he tried to move, but >couldn't make his arm do what it needed to do. Suddenly his mind was >twisted around itself. "Wedge! He's firing!" Luke screamed into the >mike. The TIE fired and set Wedge's tail ablaze. "Eject!" CROW: Power! Power! Wave off! Eject eject eject! >Wedge, >shocked by the explosion, reflexively hit his eject just as the ship >exploded around him. He was knocked unconscious. Luke watched as the >TIE slowed and picked up the ejection compartment with a tow cable and >fled back to the _Nosferatu_. "General, they've captured Wedge." TOM: [as Lando]. Oh. Well, no great loss, then. >"Are >you sure he's still alive?" Lando asked without thinking. MIKE: Like that's anything new. >"Yeah," >Luke answered, "He's unconscious though." "I don't think there's >anything we can do right now," Lando said, hating it. Luke swallowed, >"I know." He joined Lando's assault on the _Nosferatu_. CROW: Oh, why don't they just drive a stake through its heart and get it over with? > * * * >"We can't get a positive lock. There's too much shielding and >structure in the way," Geordie said staring at the monitor trying to >find a way around it. "We will attempt to make our way to another >location. Security has, however been alerted to our presence here," >Data acknowledged over the speaker. "We'll keep trying Data, LaForge >out." "Move the ship to assist the _Millenium Falcon_'s efforts on >the shield generators," Picard ordered. "It appears that they are >breaking through." MIKE: [singing] Break on through to the other side.... >"Aye, sir," Ro keyed in the new course. TOM: GAH! A new character this late in the game? >The >_Enterprise_ moved to a position above the _Nosferatu_ and began >firing. > * * * >"Captain," Lt. Gerrad said, CROW: *Two* new characters! TOM: The author's really playing fast and loose with my patience here. >"They are starting to wear through the >shields. Shall I increase shield strength?" TOM: [British] Intensify forward fire power. CROW: Tom! Yeesh. >"No, that would require >lowering their strength elsewhere, with the maneuverability of the >other ship, we can't risk that. TOM: [Imperial officer] A simple "no" would do. >Launch another wing of fighters. The >last ones did some good..." Vader had moved behind him and MIKE: ...began to massage his neck. >interrupted him now. "No, it was not your pilot, I manipulated the >rebel's mind and let your fighter have a clean shot." TOM: Wait, I thought he had to be able to see the guy to manipulate him. MIKE: Oh, just relax and go with it, Tom. >Drekker turned >to face Vader. "I see my lord, perhaps it could be done again?" "No MIKE: [as Vader] ...we've already used that plot device. Find another one. >the last pilot is Luke Skywalker and he is strong with the Force. You >will have to find another way of dealing with him. TOM: [as Vader] I helped you once, and I don't want to help you anymore. So nyah. >Don't let him >escape, Captain," with that, he turned and left the bridge. CROW: [as Vader] I'll be over on Deep Space Nine, in one of those holosuites I've heard so much about. >"Launch >two more wings of fighters. Let them deal with that," Captain Drekker >looked at the monitor. "Captain, the prisoners have escaped. Security >is closing in on them, but they are somewhat elusive." "How did they >escape?" Drekker's brow furrowed. CROW: Uh, see, sir, they got out. Absconded. Vamoosed. You know. >"Unknown, sir. The new prisoner has >just been brought aboard. He is on his way to sickbay, he is >unconscious." "Double the security." "Yes, sir." > * * * [commercials] >"The tractor projector is...was over there," Han pointed seeing the >gaping hole in the side of the main docking bay. CROW: Now it's gah-bage! >"The damage to >shields and structure there should be severe enough that the >_Enterprise_ can get a lock to transport us back," Data concurred. >"Getting there is going to be tricky." "Where does this panel lead?" >"Service ducts, MIKE: Ducks in the Navy! CROW: Um, I think that's "ducts." MIKE: Who cares? It gives us a chance to sing a Village People song. CROW: Well, in that case... ALL: [singing] In the Navy! You can serve your fellow man.... >they criss-cross the ship," Han said looking at the >door near the floor. "I thought about it. They're too tough to open >and we can't risk blasting it open with all of these troops around." TOM: [as Data] Why not? You've blasted everything else? [muttering] Alien idiot. >"We do not need to blast it," Data said crouching down in front of it. >He moved his fingers into the slight crack and pulled the doors apart >with ease. Han looked on in amazement, a grin crossing his face. MIKE: [as Han] I've got this jar of spaghetti sauce at home, can't get the lid off it. Think you could come over later? >"Nice." The five of them crawled into the duct way and began >crawling. TOM: [as Han] Crawl like you've never crawled before! Crawl until you can crawl no more! >Data closed the high pressure doors behind them. CROW: One two three four press-SHAH! > * * * >"I see them," Leia called as she blasted the remaining two TIEs to >pieces. "Lando, do you have a reading on that shield?" she asked into >her headset. TOM: [as Lando] Yes, it's going to be some college kid reading "Two Tramps in Mud Time." I say we skip it and go clubbing. >"It's almost down," He answered back, Pulling hard right >and firing onto the generators some more just as two more of the >_Enterprise_'s photon torpedoes exploded on them, finally knocking >them out. "It's down!" he yelled and looped the _Falcon_ up and back >down firing a volley of concussion missiles and the bridge. CROW: That paragraph's just a a downer. > * * * >"We have a positive lock," Geordie's voice came over Data's commbadge. >"Prepare five for transpor..." "Hold it," Han cut him off. He was >looking out into the hangar bay. They were pulling something out of >some sort of pod. TOM: You know, they think they would've learned not to do that after _Alien_. >Han saw the orange suit and new what it was, or who >it was. MIKE: [as Han] The fiends! They've captured Liberace! >"It's Wedge," He muttered under his breath. He turned to the >others. "They've got Wedge. I've got to get him. You guys go ahead. >I'll be alright." CROW: [as Han] Meet you at Subway later, 'kay? >He turned and left before anyone could argue. "Four >to transport," Data spoke again. They four dematerialized and >vanished. Just as they did so, four stormtroopers took up guard >position around Wedge's repulsor-bed. CROW: I... MIKE: Crow... CROW: Don't worry. Even I can't come up with anything to say to that. >They began to move it. Han >turned to ready an ambush when he heard a familiar hum. MIKE: [as Han] I *hate* it when Leia hums Suzanne Vega songs in the shower! >He looked down >and on the floor was a hypo and PADD with a commbadge attached. He >picked it up. "This is a hypospray to revive Cmdr Antilles. -Good >luck, _Enterprise_." MIKE: [falsetto] Meet me behind the bleachers after practice. Love, Leia. TOM: Geez louise, why don't they send something useful, like a battalion of heavily armed Marines? >Han smiled stuck the hypo in his pocket, CROW: ... accidently injected the hypospray into his hip and died. The end. >and >headed off,trying to decide if his luck would hold out. MIKE: I'd go with "not." > * * * >"He had to go after the other fighter pilot," Worf explained as Bev >sealed his wound. MIKE: Handy Ziplock skin! Keeps Worf from freezer burn, too. >"He is loyal isn't he? You're lucky you had this >armor. Those blasters are nasty." "He is very courageous and is a >cunning warrior," Worf said with much respect. "He will succeed." TOM: [as Worf] He will go. He will fight. He will win. >"I >concur," Data added, removing his stormtrooper Gauntlets. "He seems >to have an incredible amount of what most call luck." TOM: [as Data] ...but we call "stupidity." >Bev laughed and >rolled Worf's sleeve down. "You're all set." Her commbadge bleeped and >she tapped it. "Is everything alright down there?" Picard's voice >asked. MIKE: You kids be careful down there! >"General Solo stayed behind to attempt to rescue their downed >pilot their downed pilot," CROW: It's deja vu all over again. >she responded. "Understood, Picard out." >Bev moved to the two biobeds where Kira and O'Brien were lying. TOM: [as Crusher] These two couldn't tell the truth if they tried. >She >looked at her tricorder and at both patients. "You'll both be fine. >There was no permanent damage, MIKE: [as Crusher] ... and the screaming nightmares should subside in, oh, five, ten years. >it will take a few days for your >neuro-transmitter activity to return to normal. Thank heavens their >mind-sifter must have been on a low setting, it showed signs of being >able to do serious damage." CROW: Not that you'd be able to tell or anything. > * * * >"This may be your only chance, General," Picard said. "I know," Lando >said over the speaker, "I just hate leaving Han on that ship." "I >understand. The Star Destroyer will probably follow you, perhaps in >your own galaxy you can continue the fight, but TOM: [as Picard] ...quite honestly, we're late for a dinner, and we can't stick around here and play any more. >according to our best >calculations, the hyperwormhole won't last much longer. We will >transmit the coordinates we have extrapolated from your computer that >will be safest for your jump. Make the jump ten seconds after the >torpedo jumps. The explosion and shock wave should have dissipated >by then." "Understood, _Falcon_ out." "Mr. LaForge," Picard turned >to Ops. "Is our hypertorpedo ready?" CROW: Hypertorpedo? TOM: Maybe it's a giant Ritalin pill. >"Yes, sir." "Fire at will." > * * * >"I know, I don't like it either, but he'll be okay. He's always okay. >He's the luckiest son-of-a-gun I know." Leia heaved a sigh, darkness >on her face. MIKE: She really should bathe more often. >"I know," she said not really believing it. The torpedo >shot from the _Enterprise_ and disappeared into hyperspace. Lando >looked at Chewbacca who was sulking. CROW: [as Leia] Oh, here's a Milkbone. Quit pouting. >Three-two-one. Lando pulled >the levers and the stars went to starlines, Chewbacca roared. > * * * >Han stuck his head out of the ramp of the shuttle. Just about there. >He started down the ramp. "Where are you taking this prisoner?" TOM: Prisoner transfer from cellblock -- [Mike claps a hand over Tom's mouth.] TOM: Mmmmph! MMMMMMMPH! CROW: Heh. We warned you. TOM: MMMMph! MIKE: Watch it, Crow, or you're next. >he >barked trying to sound authoritarian. "Sickbay," one of the officers >replied. "No, he needs to be questioned! Why isn't he restrained?" he >grabbed Wedge's collar with one hand and put the hypo in his arm. >Wedge shook his head and blinked his eyes open. "Look out!" MIKE: Tom, you think you can face that line without making a Star Wars ref? TOM: [meekly] Mmmmmph. MIKE: Okay. [releases Tom] >Han >spun around punching out the officer and pulling Wedge off the bed, >and under the ramp of the shuttle, dropping a sonic grenade as he did >so. CROW: According to my count, Han must have at least three arms. >The grenade knocked all of the guards out, but alerted everyone in >the hangar. Han dragged the sluggish Wedge up the ramp into the shuttle >and slapped the bulkhead control and ramp retract. > * * * >"Sir, we have the coordinates that the ship jumped to. Shall I set >course?" TOM: [as Captain] Just as soon as you can repeat that without ending your sentence with a preposition, young man! >"Yes, Lt.," Drekker nodded, but was watching a report of a >disturbance in the Main Hangar bay. "Set the pursuit course. I'll >inform Lord Vader." "Inform me of what," Vader's voice boomed over >his shoulder as it did all too often. For someone with that loud of >breathing, Drekker thought, You'd think I'd notice him behind me. TOM: Nope. MIKE: Not really. CROW: We wouldn't, anyway. >"The >rebels have jumped into hyperspace, but MIKE: [as lieutenant] ... they didn't complete the rotation. They'll get a deduction for that. >we have the coordinates that >they jumped to. This may be a chance to get back to our own galaxy, >and finally catch them." Vader looked out of the window, and then at >the report of a shuttle being stolen coming up on the monitor. He >nodded. "Yes, make the jump to hyperspace now." > * * * >"Sir there is a tremendous power buildup in the _Nosferatu_," Geordie >commented just as it disappeared with a flicker of pseudo-motion. ALL: [singing] Su-su-su-sudio! >"It >appears that they have made the jump to hyperspace, They must have >decoded the coordinates we sent to the _Falcon_." "Probably, I hope >that everything will be okay for them," Riker added. MIKE: [as Riker] They're a really cute couple. > "Wait a minute, >what's this?" Geordie looked at the scanners. "It's a ship." TOM: [as Riker] Well, if you knew, why'd you ask? >"Sir, we >are being hailed," Worf said. "On screen," Picard answered. Han's >image appeared on the screen. CROW: His body was somewhere in New Mexico. >he was still wearing the Imperial >uniform, but it was opened and torn. TOM: [as Picard] Uh, General... XYZ. Barn door. You know. >"Good afternoon, Captain. Where >did everybody go?" MIKE: [as Picard] You mean no one told you about the meeting? >"General!" Picard stood. "Good to see that you got >away. We'll send you the jump coordinates." Geordie began to send the >coordinates. "Good. Thanks for all of your help, I'll send you all >medals when I get back. TOM: [as Picard] Oh great, bloody lot of good *that'll* do us. >Got the coordinates. Wedge! Punch these in and >get ready to go. Again, I can't thank you enough. Tydirium out..." Han >began to turn, but Picard interrupted. "Uh...General Solo, May the >Force be with you," MIKE: [as Picard] ... or whatever. >Picard said with a smile. Han grinned, "Thanks, >I'll tell him! CROW: The Force is a he?! TOM: I always thought of it as a neuter, myself. MIKE: I don't know, I saw a lot of feminine qualities in it. >Solo out." Han's image was replaced by the image of >the Imperial shuttle, and then it too was gone. Picard heaved a sigh >and tugged at his tunic. "Set course for the wormhole." "Course set." >"Engage." > >Finis. TOM: Finally. MIKE: Let's go, guys. [Exeunt] MIKE: Well, guys, what lessons do you think we can learn from today's experiment? CROW: Sheesh, Mike, who died and made you principal? TOM: Yeah. Woo-hoo! MIKE: Oh, come on, guys. I'm just trying to make up for your lack of education and exposure to great literature and art during our period of forced captivity. Play along, please? TOM: Oh, fine. I learned that you should leave the technobabble to the experts. MIKE: Okay, that's good, Tom. Crow? CROW: Umm... all fanfic writers should be summarily executed? MIKE: Er... I don't think that would be very good for our careers, Crow. CROW: Okay. Umm... never take a good premise and push it too far? MIKE: Well... yeah! Yeah, that's good, Crow. CROW: All right! Slap me five, Tommy-boy. Oh, sorry. Forgot about the arm thing. [GYPSY enters] GYPSY: What about what I learned? MIKE: Well... sure, Gyps. What'd you learn today? GYPSY: I learned that a little kindness goes a long way. I learned that frienship is the most important thing in the galaxy, especially when you're marooned in the cold, vast reaches of space. I learned that vinegar and water is a good substitute for window cleaner. I learned that Tom has a collection of old Speed Racer tapes in his room that he isn't sharing. TOM: Hey! GYPSY: [overriding Tom] I learned that Crow hasn't washed his good pants in at least a month. CROW: Well, I never wear them. GYPSY: I learned that Mike has been writing love letters to someone named "Nuveena." MIKE: Well, I -- hey! GYPSY: And I learned that with a little love and caring, that fern in my room may come back to life. [brief silence] GYPSY: That's all. MIKE: Oh. Um... that's very sweet, Gypsy, but we were talking about the experiment. GYPSY: Oh! It wasn't very good. CROW: You got that right, sister. [Mad light flahses] MIKE: Hold on, guys, Throat-warbler Mangrove is calling. [D13] Dr. F: Well, I see you survived once again, Wedge Antilles. Not for lack of trying on my part, though. No one can accuse Dr. Clayton Forrester of lying down on the job. [SOL] MIKE: Hey! Dr. F, you're not related to E.M. Forster by any chance, are you? [glances at Tom and Crow] [D13] DR. F: [looking pleased] Well, actually, since you mention it, my family is distantly related to good old Edward Morgan on the distaff -- [breaks off as doorbell rings] DR. F: One moment, poopies. I shall return. [opens D13 door. Anthony Hopkins enters. He's dressed in a stiff black suit with a high collar, and he has a fixed look on his face. He looks at Dr. F. Nothing registers.] DR. F.: Can I help you... er...? HOPKINS: Are you Dr. Clayton Forrester? DR. F.: [looks pleased] Why, yes! I am! How did you come to hear of me? Was it my paper refuting the law of gravity? Or perhaps my famous dissertation proving that the sun, in fact, revolves around the Earth. Or more specifically, me. [HOPKINS stares at DR. F. DR. F. grows uncomfortable, tries to smile reassuringly at the camera. Suddenly, HOPKINS lunges at Forrester and tries to throttle him.] DR. F.: Ack! [gasps] Help... me... [The door to D13 flies open. MOM F. enters, dressed in a sharp- looking suit, her hair straightened and neatly brushed. She whips a gun out of her pocket and nails HOPKINS right between the shoulder blades. He falls on top of DR. F. and lies there, apparently dead.] MOM: I thought I told you to trust no one, Clayton. Push the button. DR. F.: Yes... mother... *FWOOSH!* Mystery Science Theater 3000 and related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1996 by Best Brains Inc. All Rights Reserved. Star Trek and all related characters are trademarks of and (c) 1996 Paramount, Inc., and Star Wars and all related characters are trademarks of and (c) 1996 Lucasfilm Ltd, I suppose, [inhale] *and* the X-Files and all related characters are trademarks of and (c) 1996 FOX, I think. Use of copyrighted or trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only. No infringement on original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., Paramount, Inc., and/or Lucasfilm Ltd. is intended or should be inferred. This post is not meant as a personal attack on Adam Colby, nor should it be interpreted as such. My deepest personal apologies to Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, and E.M. Forster. Also, my apologies to Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy for making you wear those ridiculous outfits. Y'all can keep the cravats. >The _Enterprise_ nonchalantly moved to the rear of the _Nosferatu_ and >was suddenly in two place at once.