MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: The Jane's Crisis Tetralogy ["Jane's Crisis", "Are You That Guy?", "What She Deserved? (Part 1)", and "Forgive Me Please"] === MSTing by Brendan Herlihy === Original Works by The Unknown WARNING! The following stories contain adult language, skateboarding, and explicit sexual content. It is therefore not recommended for children under the age of 18, Galapagos tortoises under the age of 20, or seeing eye dogs under the age of one. If your child under the age of 18 dresses as a seeing eye dog over the age of one in order read this story, what can I say. I can't recommend that either. Though I'd get out a bag of Beggin' Strips and see how far they were willing to push it. DISCLAIMER Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright Best Brains, Inc. "Jane's Crisis", "Are You That Guy", "What She Deserved (Part One)", and "Forgive Me Please" copyright The Unknown. "Daria", its characters and situations copyright MTV. Fire bad, true pretty. Copyright 2002 Brendan Herlihy. -------------------------------------------------------------- [OPEN ON SOL Bridge. A small stand microphone, set up for the bots, is on the desk. Tom and Crow are off the side of the desk. Gypsy is in front of the desk, facing the mike, as the audience. Mike enters, acting "hep", dressed in a black jumpsuit, wearing sunglasses and a new age pendant. Gypsy cheers.] Gypsy: Yaaay! Mike: Thank you, brothers and sisters, and you are welcomed to the Satellite of Love's Eternity of Oneness Poetry Slam! I invite you to lay back and absorb the straight talk and shattering imagery of our first combatant, Tom "Rainstorm In Summer" Magnolia! [Tom steps up to the microphone, and clears his throat.] Tom: This is my microphone, through which I share my inner torment. You will this applaud. Gypsy: Yaaaay! Tom: [nasty] I have to read the poem first! [resumes] I call this, "Wednesday, In Orbit Over Solitude" [Tom clears his throat, then performs.] Tom: a colloquy the warm bath of fear coats me as thick as any cheap dime store red model car paint #5 there's a slot for pennies in my neck I hide it behind some masking tape oh, maker with the sleepy eyes hear the roar of panic build like vomit in my craw! whose purpose has this bot imbued? in whose image was I glued? from whence came my thoughts construed? you wore clothes, yet made me *nude?!* why wont my arms work?! WHY WONT MY ARMS WORK, DAMMIT?! I scream until my head falls off again. Thank you. Gypsy: Yaaaay! [Mike applauds, and leads Tom away from the mike (not the Mike).] Mike: That was beautiful, man. Tom: Yes. I thought so. Mike: Now, the challenger, the gold and bold but never cold, Crow T. Amadeus Starlight Express! [Crow steps to the Mi- no, the mike.] Crow: Uh, thanks. OK. Um, I call this, "Tom Is A Great Big Stupid Baby, And He Smells Like Poo". Tom: What!? Gypsy: Shhhh! [Crow clears his throat, and begins performing.] Crow: [mocking] Ooooooo! A warm bath of fear coats me like cheap paint! I have a slot in my neck! I cry a lot! My diaper needs changing! [Tom begins to sputter in rage as Crow continues.] Crow: Oooo, Joel left and I'm scared! What do I do? Whose do I kiss? Who's gonna dress me in frilly pink clothes and tell me how cute I am? Tom: [furious] All right, stop it! Stop it! Crow: [taunting] o/~ Your arms are bro-ken! Your arms are bro-ken!/~ [Tom jumps on stage and attacks Crow.] Tom: You're literary history, hack! Quoth the raven, your ass is grass! Crow: Oh yeah? Well, "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish," pal! [Mike steps in and separates the two.] Mike: Culture! It's what's for dinner! We'll be, like, so back, man! Tom: [at Crow] I'm not done with you! I've eaten the best minds of my generation for breakfast! Crow: Aw, no one, not even the rain, has such a big butt! Tom: Come get some! [CUT TO spinning planet logo, commercials.] [OPEN ON SOL Bridge. Tom and Crow stand wobbly, both tattered and dirtied from a prolonged fight. Mike is between them, holding an envelope.] Mike: OK, gentlemen, after two pinfalls and a haiku, the scores are tied. We go to the overtime. Are you ready? Tom: My creator endowed me with readiness. [Crow moves his beak to speak with difficulty. Only a breathy gasp comes out.] Mike: [opening envelope] OK, your tiebreak to determine who is most imbued with the muse of serious learned poetry is... [reads contents] compose a Hallmark Valentine's Day card! Tom: WHAT?! Mike: Mr. Servo... go! Tom: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! I ain't composin' no hackneyed greeting card! The very notion runs counter to everything serious poetry stands for! Mike: [after a pause] So that's your entry? Tom: Um... wait. [clears throat] i aint composin no hackneyed greeting card the very notion runs counter to! everything serious poetry stands for. Mike: [pause] And? Tom: [reluctantly] Annnnnd... be my wuvvy-duvvy pookie cat? Mike: Good! OK, Mr. Crow! [Crow moves his beak to speak with difficulty. Only a breathy gasp comes out.] Mike: What the-? [Mike open's Crow's beak. He reaches in and pulls out a piece of paper. Crow coughs his voice clear.] Mike: Mr. Servo, you crammed your poetic license down his throat! You're disqualified! Tom: Damn! Crow: All right, I win! Mike: No, you're disqualified too, for failure to submit a sample for drug testing. Crow: [evenly] Mike? I'm a robot. What was I supposed to fill the cup with? [Light flashes.] Mike: Oh! Oh look! Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings is calling. Crow: [getting worked up] Because if you know what it is I'm supposed to fill the cup with, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW!! [CUT to Castle Forrester. Pearl is presented very simply, sitting down in front of a PC.] Pearl: I don't like you enough to acknowledge you. So, things. What do you think I found in my e-mail today? [CUT to SOL.] Mike: Gosh. Hm, what did you find in your e-mail... [The trio huddles up, whisper in consultation, then break.] Mike: OK, we've talked it over, and we're gonna go with... e-mail? [CUT to Castle.] Pearl: Nnnno! I got this e-mail! And listen to this! "Dear Brendan. I really, really love your MSTings, but would really like to see you do a normal one! Why do you always write about someone other than Mike riffing the movie? And why do you always blow up the satellite?! I hate that! Please please do one normal? Sincerely,..." and then the rest is, frankly, kind of stupid. Well what do you think about that? [Cut to SOL.] Tom: Hm. Well, since the mail was addressed to "Brendan"... Crow: And her name's gotta be... what? Paula, Gertrude, Abiligail? Mike: Different. Pearl, don't worry. You just- [stops, looks at Crow] Abiligail? Crow: Sure. See, there's this award called the Balsa Waffle? And the list of nominees- Mike: Never mind. Pearl, you just got a misaddressed e-mail. Don't worry, you don't have to do anything about it. [Cut to Castle] Pearl: That's all well and good, Mike, except *what are we gonna do about it?* [Cut to SOL] Tom: See, in order to do something about the way you write about making fun of reading crummy stories... you'd have to, what? Read crummy stories? Mike: Make fun of them. Tom: And then write about it. Crow: Speaking from my limited experience in reading crummy stories, I advise you to limit your experience in reading crummy stories. Mike: And heck, writing about reading the crummy story is like reading the crummy story all over again! Tom: Not to mention proofreading your writing about reading the crummy story. Crow: Ick! Proofreading your writing about reading the crummy story is means you have to think about how others will be reading your writing about reading the crummy story, which is like reading the crummy story all over again, all over again! Mike: And as far as blowing up the satellite goes... we hardly ever do that. Tom: Granted, other people have blown it up from time to time. Crow: That green frog puppet for example. Tom: [to camera] And you! Mike: Yeah, Pearl, you did blow up the satellite when Evil Mike trapped you up here. [Gypsy pops onto screen.] Gypsy: No. That was a simulation I used to get her and Magic Voice to stop fighting. [Gypsy pops back off.] Tom: Oh. Soooo... it happens even less, then! Mike: So in summary, Pearl, I guess the consensus here about what to do about this e-mail which wasn't addressed to you, and doesn't apply to your situation, is- Crow: Oh! Mike? May I? Mike: Certainly. Crow: Pearl, what I would do if I were you is... overreact! [Mike and Tom double take.] [Castle.] Pearl: Hm. Yes, Art, that was my thinking too. Mike, since this e-mail wants us to be normal, I have to stop you from being... [grimacing] you. So I hereby forbid you and your little erector sets from making anything happen. That means, when you get out of that theater, I want no shenanigans, no hi-jinks, and NO monkeyshines! [As Pearl continues, Bobo pedals through the shot in back, pedaling a Razor scooter while wearing a silver-sequined jacket and waving a flashlight.] Pearl: Especially monkeyshines! I cannot overstate the lack of monkeyshines I expect from you! Bobo: Wheeeee! Heh-heh! I'm shiny! [Pearl shoots Bobo a vicious look as he wheels out of shot. Observer moseys in behind her, holding a file labeled "Jane's Crisis"] Pearl: In the meantime, give you this day your daily crap. Today you'll be dining on four full courses of torture, courtesy of our guest author, [Pearl gestures quotes] "The Unknown". Oooooo! How mysterious! Observer: Set in the "Daria" universe, it takes that series and masterfully fails to reproduce its soul, wit, or Daria. Pearl: Our first stop! "Jane's Crisis"! And remember! [Pearl and Observer push their faces in the camera, scowling.] Pearl: Don't, do, anything! Observer: [smiles evilly] Or we'll get you, my pretty- AND YOUR LITTLE TOYS, TOO! MWAH-HAH-HAH! [Thunder crashes, lightning flashes. Linger for a bit, as Pearl's gloating visage is gradually replaced by moral discomfort.] Pearl: [awkward] Did... you just say Mike was pretty? [Observer purses his face in indignant denial.] [CUT TO: The SOL. Mike and Tom look resentfully at Crow.] Mike: [petulant] Good going, Crow! I hope you're satisfied! Crow: [smug] Well, maybe next time when I ask you what I should fill the cup with, you'll tell me. Tom and Mike: OIL! Crow: [after a pause] Oh right! [Buzzers sound, lights flash.] ALL: OOOOH, WE'VE GOT STORY SIIIIGN!! (%)...=6=... [5]... /4\... !3!... <2>... (*)... [Our heroes file into the theater.] Tom: Man, now we can't do anything. That sucks. Mike: Oh, don't sweat it, Tom. I'm sure it'll be fine. > Jane's Crisis Crow: The Tarzan version of "Meet the Parents". > By The Unknown (screw.you@gurlmail.com) Mike: Pseudonyms! The literary side of cowardice! > ================================================================ > Summary: When Jane is attacked, the cast must deal with feelings of sadness > and hatred. Tom: Since these emotions are totally alien to teenage girls. > A new character is introduced that helps Jane through the ordeal. Mike: I don't know if you can really call Sara Lee a "new character". > Note: This fanfic also appears on Poor Pathetic Daria Page, but this one is > slightly unedited. [All chuckle.] Mike: "Slightly unedited". This, friends, is going to blow. Tom: Wait, let me "faintly regurgitate" my bagel here. BLAUGH! > ================================================================ > Scene 1: Show Daria, and Jane walking down the hall. Crow: No. I don't wanna. > ================================================================ > Jane: So, Daria, are you going to the Zen tonight? Mike: [Daria] Nah, I can't get past the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. > Daria: Wish I could, but my family is having "Family night". > Jane: Well, guess who asked me out? And who I rejected? Tom: Hm, I'd say nobody, aaaand... the telemarketer who offered you home delivery of the Newark Star Ledger. > Daria: Would that be Upchuck? Crow: Not yet, but I'm sure it's coming. > Jane: Nah! It was Evan. > Daria: The Jerk? Mike: Steve Martin? > Jane: Oh yeah. When I told him "No", he muttered something like "Lesbo > freak". Crow: Obviously a reference to my love of Lesbo, the amazing Las Vegas hypnotist with short hair and good muscle tone! > Daria: And to think you two used to..(Jane clamps Daria's mouth shut.) > Jane: Shut up! Tom: Wow, being someone's "Secret Santa" can be a real sore spot. > (The two quiet down for a moment and hear something.) Mike: The new Alanis single! Shush shush shush I wanna hear! > Girl: (Kicking her locker.) Oh, this piece of shit. That's it. Crow: No more excrement-based storage systems! > Hey would you > mind moving... umm? (1) Tom: [Jane] Hey, it's not our umm? (1). Move it yourself. > Daria: Daria. > Jane: Jane. Mike: Boutros Boutros. Tom: Mahi Mahi. Crow: Oingo Boingo. > Girl: My names Joanna; now, stand back. > Jane: Umm, sure, O.K. > (They get out of the way Tom: By slowly backing away, they were able to make it to the bus stop, and start their lives over! > as Joanna backs up on a skateboard, skates toward her > locker, jumps up in midair, and kicks it with her board hard. Crow: Wow, that's X-Treme!......ly lame substitute for character development. > The locker door > falls down.) Mike: Revealing a smaller locker inside! Tom: D'OH! > Joanna: Damn, do you have to do this to your locker all the time? > Daria: Umm, no, but look here comes.. > Jane: Ms Li! Crow: Miss her? How could you miss that ugly fat-assed ornery b- oh HI, Ms. Li! Heh-heh, boy those are some quiet shoes you got there. > Ms Li: (obviously pissed.) What is the meaning of this? Who did this? > Joanna: Me. Tom: Bill Keane's puckishly cute "Not Me" ghost storms out to call his union. > Ms Li: Did you know that vandalizing school property is a serious offense? Crow: [Joanna] Well so's selling Ecstasy, but I don't see you kvetching when I- wait, I didn't say that. > Joanna: Umm, no; the thought never crossed my mind. > Ms Li: I'm calling your parents now. > Joanna: Good Luck. Mike: [Li] Hey, thanks! Words of encouragement are so rare in this job. > (Ms Li dials her number but gets the busy signal.) > Ms Li: Damn! Well I guess you'll have to pay for the damage. Tom: Yeah, calling back in five minutes is for wimps! Teach her the hidden value of call waiting! > Jane: Plus shipping and handling! Mike: Aw, a cute little baby hand. C'mere, cutie! > Joanna: How much? > Ms Li: Exactly $250. > Joanna: Sure here you go. > (She hands Ms Li $250 ) Crow: [Li] Oh, did I say $250? I meant $400. More like five with the tax. > Ms Li: Now, go away. [All snicker.] Tom: Begone! The wizard will not see you today! > Daria: Where did you get the money? > Joanna: Oh I'm the lead singer for some band. We were pretty popular in New > Mexico. Crow: [in awe] Woooow, New Mexico?! Tom: [same] That's like, Mexico! But new! > Made $200 a gig.(2) > Jane: Damn. My brother only makes $100 a gig. Mike: Still, that's probably better than Whitesnake could do right now. > Joanna: Whose your brother? > Daria: His name's Trent. > Joanna: Cool. Crow: [Jo] Now that I know his name, meeting him seems almost superfluous. > Jane: So, who wants pizza? Tom: Nah, let's have that tasteless Dominoes' crap instead. > Both: Sure. > (The three walk out of the building. Cut to Evan who has been watching them > the whole time.) > Evan: Time to put my plan into action. Mike: [sinister] My plan of... insinuating future plot lines! > ================================================================ > Scene 2: Show Daria, Jane, and Joanna eating pizza. Tom: As the other patrons at the opera coldly, coldly stare at them. > Creed's "Only in America" > plays in the background. Crow: The kids try to switch it off, but some record company hack guards the jukebox, and snarls at them. > ================================================================ > Jane: So, Joanna, do you have a boyfriend? > Joanna: Of course. Mike: [Jo] Only a complete loser wouldn't have a boyfriend! > His names Steven. He's the bassist. Crow: The basest, most vile human being I've met! > Daria: So what's the name of your band? > Joanna: FLIP. > Jane: Sounds like a pop group. Tom: We prefer to call it "house music". > Joanna: Actually it stands for F.reaking L.ittle. I.solated P.iss. [All groan.] Mike: The "Nuprin" commercial goes junior high school. Crow: Well, if Butthole Surfers can break through... > Daria: My, what appropriate language. Tom: Yes, English IS the appropriate language! We should work to ban the others! > Jane: Yeah, my brother has a band called Mystik Spiral. > Joanna: Sounds like a Doors cover band. Crow: Nah, not nearly that good. > Daria: Exactly what I said. > Jane: I need to get some fresh air you guys. > Daria: Don't get high on it. Mike: [Daria] And don't say "goodbye" or anything. Jeez Lane. Did someone skip the "Miss Manners" column today? > =========================================================================== > Scene 3: Show Jane outside leaning against a brick wall. Tom: So. Dark sarcasm in the classroom? Crow: Hey. Servo. Leave them kids alone. > She has her arms > crossed. Mike: [Jane] I am going to exude my cool post-feminist detachment until this alley begs for mercy! > She then pulls out a bottle of birth control pills, and pops one in > her mouth.(3) Crow: Mm, the ultimate high- not havin' babies! Tom: Later, Jane would sneak into an Allegra den, and free-base a Zantac. > ================================================================ > Jane: How long do I have to keep this up? Mike: Maybeeee... until you want to get pregnant? > (She feels a couple of hands on her hips, and she yells.) > Evan: Keep what up? Crow: Appearances. Mike: Your chin. Tom: With the Joneses. > Jane: Oh, geez, Evan, you're not still mad at me are you? > Evan: Eh. > (He throws Jane in the ally. She lands on her side hard.) Mike: [Jane, wincing] I'll put that down as a "maybe". Arrrrgh! > Jane: OW! > (She gets up and tries to runaway, but Evan pushes her down.) Tom: If Chumbawumba saw the glass as half empty! Mike: She gets back up, but she goes down again. Crow: She ain't never gonna stay back up. > Evan: (Pulls out knife.) I don't think we'll be going anywhere. Mike: [Evan] Thought we could stay in tonight, get some takeout. > Jane: What the hell are you going to do to me, you sick bastard? Crow: [Evan, evilly] I'm going to braid these gardenias right into your hair! > Evan: (Whispering in her ear.) I'm going to do you good you bitch. [All groan. Crow shakes his head in despair.] Tom: [moaning] Please don't use the word "good" here. It'll devalue it in other applications. > Oh, yeah > I'm going to fuck you up. Mike: Well wouldn't it be easier to praise her in general while belittling her every action? > Jane: (She lays paralyzed in fear.) Oh God, please, no. > Evan: Oh, yes. Tom: [weakly] Oh... klahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain. Heh. [groans] Our souls are gonna die in this theater, aren't they? Mike: Let's just ride it out. We can do this. > (He rips off her black under shirt. Crow: Without removing her blouse first? Good trick. > He then drags down her shorts and > underwear. He lays on top of her, kicking off his jeans ,and boxers. [All wince and groan.] Tom: [warily] Hey Mike. You remember how in ST:TNG, the Enterprise could jettison its saucer portion when confronted with hopeless, insurmountable danger? Mike: Yeah, so? [With a grunt, Servo launches his head off. It pops the length of the theater and off screen left.] Crow: Wooow! Cool! Mike: [rising to collect it] Servo! Get back here! [Mike exits left.] > He points > the knife towards her neck.) Scream and you die, bitch. > Jane: Please, why are you doing this? Crow: My guess? An immature sense of how to create conflict. [Servo's headless body aimlessly bumps into Crow.] Crow: Ow! Hey, watch it. > Evan: Oh, just shut up! ( He punches her in the face hard. She lets out a > small yell. Crow: [cringing] Uck. God. > He then jams the knife harder against her throat.) What did I > just say? Crow: [uneasily] What, you weren't listening either? Heh. [moans] Ooooh, I can't do this! [We here a crash from off screen.] Crow: [looks left] Mike?! Mike: [o.s.] Darn! He wedged himself behind the speaker. I need the broom. Crow: Well hurry up! Bein' alone with this perv fanfic and Tom's headless body is givin' me the creeps! It's like a pre-Giuliani 42nd Street! [Tom's body bangs into him again.] Crow: Quit it! MIIIIKE! > Jane: Fine, whatever. > (She closes her eyes and winces in pain as he enters himself into her > abruptly, and painfully. [Crow whimpers and shudders.] Crow: [at Tom's body] Oooh, when that head gets reattached to your body I am gonna slap it right back off, mister! [Tom's body shrinks in shame.] > Once inside he moves his mouth to the side of her > neck, and starts sucking on it. Crow: [moaning and wallowing] So he sucked. And sucked. And sucked... [Mike returns carrying Servo's head. The head jerks his arms trying to escape.] Tom: Unhand me, pink monkey! I! Am responsible! For the lives! Of four hundred thirty crewmen! Mike: You are not! Calm down. [Tom's body uses the distraction to duck beneath the seats.] > Jane whimpers a little as he starts rocking > back and forth on her. She kept praying that something would happen to stop > him, but nothing. Crow: [moaning] Ooooh... this story is just whacking me on the head for its own amusement. [Mike sits down, and puts the head on its seat. He looks around.] Mike: D'oh, now where'd his body go? [leans over the seat to look behind] Ah, there you- AUGH! [Mike gets pulled over and dragged beneath the seat. A struggle commences.] Tom's Head: [triumphant] Ha ha! YES! Get him, my body! > Finally after what seemed to be hours, Evan had reached his > orgasm. Crow: [softly weeping in agony] Whack. Whack. I'm a piņata. Whack. [As Tom's head gloats at the struggle beneath the seats, Mike's hand pops up and grabs it.] Tom's Head: Ulp! H-h-hi ya Mike! [Mike pulls the head down beneath the seat. The struggle continues.] > He got up , and pulled his pants up. He then kicked her in the side.) > Jane: OW! Crow: [still weeping] Owwwwwww. Piņata say, "Owwwwwww." Tom: [o.s.] No! You can't make me, you can't make me! Mike: [o.s., struggling] Be still! It! Won't! Hurt! If! You! Keep! Still! [We hear sound FX of a head being snugly squeezed back into place.] > (Evan leaves Jane in a heap.) {Mike pops up with a fully reassembled Servo and manhandles him back into his seat.] Mike: There! Now don't make me do that again, you hear! Tom: [weeping] OK. Mike: [pleasant] Crow! Sorry to leave you, buddy. Did we miss anything? Crow: [in tears, lashing out] SHUT UP!! Mike: [cringing] Sorry. Sorry. Crow: [resentful] Better be. > ================================================================ > Scene 4: Show Daria, and Joanna exiting the building. > ================================================================ Tom: [Daria] So then I told Eichler, double my base or I walk! Like what, you're gonna pull the show? > Daria: I can't believe you poured a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce on > your pizza, and ate it. Mike: The Tacobellation of America. > Joanna: That Tabasco sauce was bland. Do they dilute it? > Daria: Probably. Hmm, I wonder where Jane ran off to? Crow: Maybe you should've acted interested when she abruptly left without explanation. > Joanna: Who knows maybe she...OH, MY GOD! > Daria: What is it? Mike: [Joanna] I just thought of ANOTHER way to show how super cool I am! I'll do a handstand while drawing anime characters on my backpack! > Joanna: (Pointing to Jane.) That's either Jane or a clothes pile doing a > poor impression of her, and I don't want to risk it. Tom: Should the rape victim really be the butt of Coolie McCool's jokes here? > Daria: (Walks up closer.) Oh, my God, it is Jane. Jane can you hear me? > Jane: (Quietly) Go to Hell, Evan. > Joanna: Umm, no; it's Daria, and Joanna. Crow: [Joanna] The cool girl you just met who's way more important than you? > Daria: We need to call 911. Do you have a cell phone? > Joanna: Not on me. Hey there's four girls walking towards us. Mike: [Joanna] Maybe THEY'LL pay attention to me. > Daria: (Races to where Joanna is.) Oh, goody, the Fashion Club. Tom: [Daria] Oh, goody. A chance to get help for my bleeding friend. > Sandi: (To the others) And so like anyway ,this boy who was like so > hot asked me out. Tom: [Sandi] His core temperature was, like, pushing 400 degrees. Crow: [Stacy] Oh wow! Kelvin? Tom: [Sandi] No, I believe his name was Derrick. > Joanna: Hey do you... WHAT THE HELL? Mike: [Sandi] Only when taken by surprise. > (She has noticed something quite strange, she looks exactly like Sandi > Griffin, except with blonde hair, and the clothes.) Crow: And the anti-social face tattoos. > Sandi: Like, oh shit. You look like me. Tom: Sounds like the first verse of a Black Monks song. > Joanna: That's nice. NOW GIVE ME A CELL PHONE! Mike: AND NONE OF THAT CRAP ABOUT ROAMING FEES! > Stacy: Why? > Daria: Jane's been hurt. > All: EEEWW! Crow: All? Even Daria and Joanna? Mike: Well, other folk's pain is pretty icky. > Sandi: Umm, like, why? Tom: Sandi's introspective nature led her to ask such probing, philosophical questions. > Joanna: Come on, do the right thing. Crow: Marry her and adopt the baby. > Sandi: Umm, like no. If she like got herself into this mess then she can > like get herself out. Mike: I foresee a great future for Sandi in the health insurance industry. > Come on, let's go. > Stacy: No! > Sandi: Like, what did you say? Crow: It was like "yes", but shorter and different. > Stacy: I said no! She's been hurt, and needs help. Tom: By the time they finish arguing, they could've gone back in the pizza parlor and used the pay phone. > Daria: Yeah, and we can just hope that if you get hurt your friends won't > ditch you. Mike: Gezundheit. > Tiffany: Yeah ,but we we're never your friends. Tom: I'm I didn't consider that! You you've got a point. > Stacy: DAMMIT, SANDI, GIVE ME THE FUCKING PHONE!!! Mike: [Stacy] Oh wait, it's in my purse. Sorry. > Sandi: Like, whoa. Here. Good bye! > (She tosses the phone to Stacy, who calls 911.) Tom: Meanwhile, twenty feet away... Crow: [Jane] Why didn't anyone stay to comfort me? Is my breath that bad? > Stacy: Hello? (pant pant.) Our friend was injured (she starts > hyperventilating.) > Dispatcher: O.K. how was she injured? Tom: Were lobsters involved? > Stacy: Wheeze, wheeze. [All snicker.] Mike: Calling for George Jefferson's wife won't solve anything! > (Joanna smacks her upside the head, and grabs the cell phone.) Crow: [Joanna] I'm running this story now! Daria! Get me a Krispy Kreme! > Joanna: Hello? Sorry about that. It looks like she was attacked. > Dispatcher: O.K. we'll send an ambulance. Mike: It's against hospital policy to ask your address, so if you could just wave when he passes. > Is there any bleeding? > Daria: Joanna there's some bleeding through her vagina. > Joanna: Bleeding through her vagina. Tom: So, bleeding though her vagina, then. Crow: Pretty much. Mike: How did Daria hear him? And when did she look at her-? Crow: [interrupting] Don't go there, man. It ain't healthy. > Dispatcher: O.K. don't touch it. Tom: Really, if you have to be told... > If she was raped we don't want your DNA with > it. > Joanna: Umm, yeah, O.K. > (The ambulance arrives.) Mike: OK, if the ambulance got there THAT fast, that can only mean Jo and the girls are standing in front of a great big sign saying "Hospital". > Joanna: The ambulance is here; bye. [All cackle. Mike slaps his forehead in disbelief.] Crow: [Jo] Your trauma bores me. Later! Mike: Couldn't they get a more sympathetic heroine? Was the winner of the Paula Jones/Tanya Harding fight not available? > Paramedic 1: O.K. where is she? > Daria: Over there (She points to Jane.) Tom: [Daria] Beneath the crying heap of humanity, Eagle Eye. > Jane: Please, help. > Stacy: Help's here, Jane. > Paramedic 2: Is anything broken...umm? Mike: Are you... whatzit called, dying or something? > Jane: Jane. And no. > Paramedic 3: O.K. we're going to left you up on this stretcher. O.K.? Crow: Okay okay? O.K.! > Jane: Yeah, fine, O.K. Mike: Old Kinderhook achieves market saturation. > (They put her on the stretcher, and put her in the ambulance with Daria, > Stacy, and Joanna riding in back.) Tom: Hm, stretch ambulances. Mike: They must be taking her to the country club hospital. Crow: Didn't Joanna leave? > Daria: So, what happened? > Jane: I don't want to talk about it. > Stacy: Jane, we're your friends. Tom: No, Daria is her friend. You're the third and fifth wheels, respectively. > Joanna: Yeah, come on. > Jane: (quietly) I was raped. > Joanna: Umm, what was that it sounded like you said "I was rared"? Crow: Augh! All: BOOO! Tom: Look, if you don't have a clue, don't do the crossword, OK?! > Jane: (Giving in.) I was raped. > Daria: Oh, my God! Who did this to you? Mike: And the word "Kennedy" better not leave your lips. > Jane: I don't want to talk about it now. > Stacy: Jane, sooner or later, you will have to tell the authorities. > Jane: I know. I'm just shaken up. Tom: Not stirred. > Daria: Umm, Jane, was it Evan? > (Jane looks at her, and starts crying.) Crow: [Daria, pouty] Fine! DON'T answer my question! Jeez! Mike: The cast of "Daria" performs an episode of "Saved by the Bell" written by Danielle Steele. > ================================================================ > Scene 5: It's the next day at school. Tom: As the reactions of Trent, Jane's parents, Jake and Helen are completely irrelevant! > Jane is still in the hospital. Show > Daria and Joanna in Mr. O'Neill's class.(4) Crow: [Jo] Am I cooler now than I was five minutes ago? Mike: [Daria, sighing] Yes, Joanna. > ================================================================ > Mr. O'Neill: And, as we can see in Ayn Rand's "Anthem", Tom: Or in Ann Raynd's "Aynthem". > she really creates a > depth of plot in regard to humanity's future. Crow: She creates a death of plot? Mike: Yeah, Rand's works make me feel that way too. > What is the message that Rand is > trying to convey in this story? Tom: "God is dead, let's spit on the grave." > ...hmm, lets see, Jan? (Meaning Joanna.) Crow: Thank you! (Meaning, who asked?) > Joanna: That in the future, all people will be robot-like people with > numbers for names. Tom: Oh, gee, what a great joke, ZERO. > Hey I wanna be Skater 696969. Mike: Sorry, the French judge has awarded that placement to Salet and Pelletier. > Mr. O'Neill: Umm, no, I'm sorry. Daria? > Daria: That once again true love triumphs overall. > Mr. O'Neill: Exactly, Daria. Crow: Very good! You get a cookie. > (The intercom comes on.) > Ms. Li: Attention students I have a saad announcement. Tom: A Saab announcement. Will the owner of the metallic blue Saab please get it the hell off my parking spot! > One of our students, Jane > Lane, was seriously injured yesterday. Crow: [Li] Jane Lane, who refused my very reasonable offer of protection. Students who don't want to end up like Jane Lane should meet me behind the school at 4. Bring cash. > (Murmurs are whispered between the > students.) Mike: [murmur] Everyone already knows! Tom: [murmur] I know, she's so clueless! > Mr. O'Neill: I'm so sorry, Daria, and Joann. Crow: [O'Neill] I'm so sorry, Jane's best friend, and new kid whose spirit burns so bright it outshines the sun. > Joanna: Hey, you're getting closer. [All growl.] Tom: Joanna, as one wiseass to another, there's a time and a place dammit! > Mr. O'Neill: Is there anything I can do to help? > Daria: Sit down, and teach. > Mr. O'Neill: Umm O.K. fine. Mike: [Daria] Now bark like a dog. Crow: [O'Neill] Arf? Mike: [Daria] A BIG dog. > ================================================================ > Scene 6: Show Jane in the hospital. > ================================================================ > Jane: When will the results come in? > Doctor: Well, they should get here in about a couple of days. > Jane: Oh, goody. Crow: What's with all the "goody"? Is a production of "The Crucible" breaking out here? > (Daria, Joanna, Jesse and Trent walk in.) > Jane: Hey, what are you guys doing here? Tom: They were drawn by the hip, mod sound of old people wailing for their pills. WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE DOING HERE?! > Trent: We heard about you and came to the hospital. > Doctor: Will that's nice. Crow: Will's such a good boy. > Jane, when we were going through your clothes, we > found these. (He holds out a bottle of birth control pills.) Mike: Doctor Shame. Airing your dirty laundry in public since 1953! > Daria: Umm, why do you have those? > Jane: Because two months ago Jesse, and me started having sex, > and I decided to take them.(5) Tom: Because, let's be honest. That is not a face you want on your baby. > Jesse: Jane, were you going out with another guy? > Jane: No, I wasn't. Crow: Shouldn't Jane... oh, what's the word... CARE about any of this? Mike: Vulcan Rape Victim Theater will be back, after this, from the good folks at Pepperidge Farms. > Trent: Because this Evan guy who you claimed raped you had the hots for you. Tom: "Claimed"? Way to support your sister in a time of crisis, Trent. > Jane: That jerk? He just wanted power. Crow: Apparently her nether regions double as an electrical outlet. > The only reason why he did it is because > I refused to go out with him. Mike: [Jane] If I'd said yes, I'm sure he'd have been a perfect gentleman. > Joanna: Hmm. So, when do you get released from the hospital? > Jane: Tomorrow. > Daria: I need to get going. [All snicker.] Crow: Gee, I'm glad you could spare 25 seconds from your day to see your raped friend, Daria. Tom: The author seems to equate rape with... I don't know, mono, or an ingrown toenail, or something. > Trent, can you give me a ride? > Trent: Sure. See ya, Janey. > Jane: See ya. > Joanna: I guess I'll be off too. > Jane: Sure, bye Mike: [Jane] And don't worry about abandoning me in my time of need. I can always lay here and count the little holes in the ceiling tile. Again. > Jesse: I'll stay here. > Jane: O.K. Jesse? > Jesse: Yeah? Tom: [Jane] Did you know that in some countries it's customary to bring your hospitalized girlfriend chocolate, or flowers, or a magazine or something? > Jane: I'm scared. I mean I want Evan to pay, Crow: Or play. > but then that means there'll > probably be a trial, and then I'll have to face the cameras and shit I don't > want. Tom: Maybe the hospital's crisis counselors picked a bad day for their field trip to Atlantic City. Mike: Bad timing. > Jesse: Jane, shh. It'll be O.K. Try to get some rest. > Jane: O.K. (She drifts off to sleep as Jesse strokes her hair. Mike: Yes, nothing comforts a rape victim like the gentle caress of a man. > When she is well > asleep he leaves.) Mike: Well, nothing except letting her wake up alone. > ================================================================ > Scene 7: It is a couple of days later. We see the four, Daria, Joanna, Jane, > and Stacy in Ms Barch's Take back the Night Self-Defense Class.(6) Crow: They really should've thought to trademark that. Tom: Yeah, the "Take Back the Night" pre-mixed Kalhua drinks are just a little too much for me. > ================================================================ > Jane: You guys, I don't want to do this. > Joanna: Jane, you have running. Now learn to fight! Mike: [Jane] But my hairline fractures- Tom: [Jo] Who ya gonna listen to, me or some lame-o orthopedic surgeon? > Jane: It won't help. > Ms Barch: Hmm, you four trying out for the self-defense club? Tom: "Trying out" seems to defeat the purpose of the class. > Daria: Umm, Jane and Joanna are. > Ms Barch: Excellent! Well, just take a seat over there (she points toward a > mat.) Mike: Near a dumpster outside the building. > (To all the students.) Ladies, welcome to the self-defense class. Here > we learn how to beat the shit out of men. Crow: But doesn't it get expelled naturally as part of the digestive process? > Now, we're going to pretend this > punching bag is a filthy, slimy man. Tom: Al Sharpton, for example. > Do I have any volunteers? (Joanna raises > her hand.) > Ms Barch: Very Good! Mike: [Barch] Your hand-raising skills amaze me! You must be that cool girl our lives now revolve around. > Now, kick this punching bag any way you like. Crow: I'd like to do it in this stunning ensemble from the Vera Wang collection. > (With that, Joanna runs at full speed toward the bag, jumps in the air as if > though she were jumping on a skateboard, Tom: The sad thing is, this is also how she takes communion. > kicks the bag with first her right > foot, then the left. Mike: While she's occupied, all the Daria characters desperately tiptoe their way to the exits. > She falls to the ground, but puts her arms out in front of > her, and does a backward handspring kicking the punching bag so hard it > rips. Crow: Buffy, the Duffel Bag Slayer! > She is then done. People have stunned looks on their faces then cheer.) Tom: That bag was part of a band of hooligan canvas totes terrorizing the neighborhood. > Ms Barch: Whoa! Pretty good! Class is over since this man has been killed! [All titter and guffaw. Mike hangs his head.] Crow: Great class. I feel safer now that I know how to watch other people fight. > Daria: Where did you learn that move? > Joanna: I'm a street/skate fighter* Mike: I go wherever plazas or Rollerblades strike fear in the hearts of men! > Jane: That was one hell of a move. > Stacy: I'll say! > Daria: Come on, we need to talk to Ms Barch. Tom: We need to tell her how great that move was! > Jane: Why? she'll just make me a lesbo. [All growl and groan.] Crow: Let's see, how can we get more unappealing... homophobia! Yeah, that'll work! > Joanna: It's worth a shot. Yo, Ms. Barch! > Ms Barch: Yes, ladies? > Stacy: Jane wants to talk to you. Mike: The word "harridan" is on her vocab list, and she's looking for a context to use it in. > Ms Barch: Jane, you got an A+ on your test. > Jane: Umm, no, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. Tom: [Barch] Oh, wiseguy, ay?! D minus! Back to summer school! > Ms Barch: Well, then, tell me. > Joanna: Ms Barch, a week ago or so, Jane was raped. > Ms Barch: Oh, those filthy men. Always wanting power dammit! Tom: "Are you alright?" Mike: "I'm so sorry!" Crow: "Is there anything I can do?" Mike: [considering] See, "Men suck" seems kinda lacking when compared to those other responses. > Is this jerk in > jail yet? Crow: Just visiting, actually. > Jane: No. I haven't told the police yet. Besides Evan's more popular, and > they'll believe his excuse better. > Ms Barch: What is it? Tom: [Jane] That he's more popular. Weren't you listening? > Jane: He'll say I'm a lesbian. Crow: Huh? Why would it be legal to rape lesbians? Mike: [shrugging] Got me. > Which I am not. > Ms Barch: What do you mean? Mike: [sighs] Oh dear. Tom: Ms. Barch, let me introduce you to this wonderful book called "Our Bodies, Ourselves"! If you'll turn to page 463... > Joanna: She has a boyfriend. > Ms Barch: WHAT?! Haven't you learned anything about men, Jane? Mike: [Jane] I've learned to keep lots of burritos on hand, and not ask their opinions on figure skating. > Jane: (She runs off crying, and screaming at Ms Barch.) DAMMIT, YES I HAVE, [All cringe.] Tom: Jeez. > AND I AM SO DAMN FUCKING SORRY I'M NOT A LESBIAN LIKE YOU, DAMMIT!! [All cringe further. Mike holds his hands up to shield his eyes.] Mike: Ms. Barch was never homosexual! Crow: Yes, but she's strong-willed, which is very LIKE being homosexual. > (She runs to the bathroom, and hides in a stall.) Tom: Uhhh... I vote we leave her there. Crow: Me too. Mike: Anybody got a padlock? > Joanna: Nice going. Quite frankly, if it weren't for a man you wouldn't be > here. Crow: [Barch] You leave my bus driver out of this! > In fact, none of us would be here. Ms Barch, God created Adam and Eve, > not Eve and Eve. Tom: Ah, so the "hep cat" skateboarding street fighter sidebars as a spin doctor for the Christian Coalition! Crow: Later she'll tell her friends she did a "gay twist varial disaster revert". > (She walks off to the bathroom looking for Jane.) Mike: This character's about as believable as an Enron balance sheet. Crow: Let us bow our heads in a moment of silence for Ms. Barch, who died of shame the instant Joanna spoke. > ================================================================ > Scene 8: Show Evan with Bobby Bighead, Tom: o/~ Who's that guy with the big big head? o/~ Crow: Bighead! Mike: Bighead? Tom and Crow: BIGHEAD! > and the guy that was hitting on Daria in > "The Invitation", who I decided to name Cameron. Crow: [weakly] Well thank you for being CANDID, Cameron! Heh! Heh. [moans] Oh, I hate myself. Mike: [patting his shoulder] It's OK. You tried. > ================================================================ > Cameron: Woo! Way to go! How was she? > Evan: Tightest fucking cunt ever. Tom: You know, the comic book guy from "The Simpsons" really needs to be more selective with his roles. > Bobby: Hey, look who's coming. (He points to Jane.) > (Jane walks by them, keeping her head down.) > Evan: Hey, slut, have you told the authorities yet? Crow: [Jane] Hey moron, did you know hospitals do rape kits and DNA matches on all assault victims? > Better not have, or I'll > give you another unwanted fucking. Tom: [Evan] Hey, what are you doing with that tape record- aw crap. Mike: He makes it sound vaguely unpleasant. > Jane: Go to Hell, you jerk ass! > Evan: Bobby, Cameron, get her. Crow: -a pick-me-up bouquet! She needs a boost right now! > (Jane runs off at top speed with Evan, Bobby, and Cameron close behind. Tom: Britney Spears Movie closing fast! Full Bladder barely holding on! And trailing the pack is Beeeeetlebaum. > Finally she goes into the girls' bathroom an hides in one of the stalls.) > Evan: Dammit!! Crow: [Evan] I can't rape her in the girl's room! I'll get cooties! Mike: [Evan, tempting] Hmmm, I guess we'll just have to eat these nummy Drake's Funny Bones all by ourselves! Sure is a shame Jane isn't here to share a rich, chocolately, peanut buttery Funny Bone! > ================================================================ > Scene 9: Show Jane in the bathroom stall leaning her head against the wall > crying. Cut to the next stall where we see Stacy buttoning her shorts. Tom: [resentful] See, now if it hadn't been for that rape scene, I could be really enjoying this! Mike: [comforting] I know honey. And I'd've disassembled you. But it's all right. > ================================================================ > Stacy: Umm are you O.K.? > Jane: No. > Stacy: Oh, my God, Jane! Is that you? Crow: [Stacy] In the corner? > Jane: Yes it is. > Stacy: What's wrong? Mike: Hair band nostalgia. That's very, very wrong. > Jane: Nothing. Go away. > Stacy: O.K. umm anything you say. > (She leaves the bathroom. Five minutes later Jane walks out.) [All rise from their seats and give a rousing, standing ovation.] Mike: AUTHOR! AUTHOR! Tom: Oh I am so glad I stayed for that! Crow: Wow! I can't believe Stacy actually asked Jane if it was her! Tom: I can't believe Jane said it was! > ================================================================ > Scene 10: It's the next night ,and we see a red Mustang convertible. In the > front we see Stacy with EVAN?(7) Crow: Well hey, if YOU don't know... > ================================================================ > Evan: I had a really great time. > Stacy: Yeah, me too. Mike: Those Hooters waitresses are very sweet once you give them a chance! > Evan: Your hair looks really pretty like that. Tom: [Evan] The way it's falling off in garish clumps all over my car. > (For once Stacy's hair isn't in pigtails, but is long and wavy.) > Stacy: Thanks. > Evan: So, what do you want to do now? Crow: Do you still have that jigsaw puzzle in the trunk? > Stacy: I don't know. (They look at each others eyes. Tom: [Stacy] Your potatoes look great! Mike: [Evan] Thanks! Your needle collection's pretty cool too. > They lean forward and > kiss. After awhile Evan's hand starts to slide up her shirt. Crow: She must have a theramin up her blouse or somethin'. > She slaps it > away.) Mike: [hockey announcer] SAVE by Niblett! Good stick work there! > No! > Evan: What's wrong? I just wanna have a little fun. Crow: And you're a girl. According to Cyndi Lauper, we should be in synch here. > Stacy: I don't want to. > Evan: (He grabs Stacy.) Aw, come on, you want it. Tom: Here it is. Come and get. But you better hurry, 'cuz it may not last. > (Stacy punches him in the face, and jumps out of the convertible. Crow: [calmly] Stacy's arms are pipe cleaners with skin. I do not, accept, your premise. > Dumbfounded > Evan jumps out of the car and goes after Stacy. Mike: You know, if you think of Stacy as Linda Hamilton... and Evan as Arnold Schwarzenegger... it's like a really bad fanfic with Linda Hamilton and Arnold Schwarzenegger. > He catches up with her, and > drags her back to the car. He throws her in the back seat and climbs on top > of her. Tom: [Evan] I'll make base camp at your ribcage here, and try to make the epiglottis by nightfall. > He then rips off her shirt. Stacy punches him in the face, Crow: Try lower! Maybe his head will pop off like Rock'em Sock'em Robots! > which as a > result he hits her. With all her force she kicks him out of the car. She > jumps out, and runs away.) Mike: [sighing] He chases her... drags her back to the car... and so on into the night. > ================================================================ > Scene 10: It is two months later. Nothing much has happened except for the > fact that Jane hasn't heard anything from Evan. She and Jesse are watching > TV. Joanna is in the room hanging upside down from a rail. [All snigger.] Tom: [Jo] And to think you two were going to spend the evening alone! Crow: Hope that rail's the one they run her out of town on. > Something on TV > catches Jane's attention. Mike: [TV] Escaped mental patient still at large! If you see this skateboard, do not attempt to apprehend her. RUUUUUUN! > ================================================================ > Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Evan > Niederland* has been arrested for charges of sexual assault, and rape by > Stacy Nibblett*. He will serve 20 years in the Lawndale prison. (8) Tom: Wow, justice is a lot swifter when they skip the trial! > Jane: Oh, my God, he raped Stacy, too? > Joanna: Not actually. She told me that he tried to, but she kicked him away. Crow: [Jane] And you DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?! Mike: [Jo] Please! Was it about me? BOOOO-RING! > Jane: Then, how did the rape charges get on him? > Joanna: Well, you see, after the incident she went to me. I told her that ee > raped you. All: [giggling] What?! Crow: Oh I just don't think so. Tom: So, they just said he raped Stacy? He got collared for the rape there's no evidence for? Mike: Sounds like a bad "Law and Order" episode. Crow: Known this season as a "Law and Order" episode. > Jane: I'm so glad that's over with. > Jesse: Yeah! > ================================================================ > The End. [All sputter with uncontainable hysterics.] Mike: [shaking his head] Oh. Oh me. Tom: Remember folks! Writing is easy, when you just don't give a damn! Crow: At least the sudden stop threw us clear of the story. > ================================================================ > Author's notes: Crow: Oh. Not quite. > As said earlier, this is the graphic version of "Jane's > Crisis" which a lot of things have changed. Tom: Note she didn't say "improved". > 1) In the other version Joanna hits her locker with her board. Mike: "Bored" pretty much applies to this version too. > 2) Joanna doesn't reveal she's in a band until the pizza scene. Crow: Three! The salt shaker is slightly to the LEFT of the pepper; before it was to the RIGHT. > 3) In the original, Jane isn't taking the pills. Tom: -so much as making a smoothie with them. > 4) This wasn't in the original. Mike: Five. Yes it was. Crow: Six. Stop arguing with me! > 5) They don't actually get together until "Love and Music" another story > written by me. Tom: Well... another story TYPED by her, anyway. Mike: Footnotes supplied by guest author Samuel Coleridge. > 6)This part also wasn't in the original. Mike: After a nasty call from Disney, I removed the scene where Evan rapes The Little Mermaid. > 7) Even though Stacy knew she was raped she didn't know by who. Crow: 7a) OK, yeah, Stacy was in the ambulance when Jane said it was Evan. But she got distracted by this hunky paramedic with sharp latino features! > 8) In the original, Jane takes him to court where Tiffany testifies. Mike: His knowledge of decorative lamp design proves the straw that breaks the rapist's back! > Some more notes: > Street skate fighting is the art of teaching yourself to fight, and using a > skate board as a weapon. Tom: Real popular, until the Street/Pet Rock Fighters came along and made them cry for mommy. > Sandi and Joanna's look-alike appearance will b explored in a very bizarre > fanfic called "Our Alter Egos." Crow: The scary thing is, she thinks THIS story was normal. > Evan's last name isn't that. Tom: Because "Evan That" sounds even dumber than Bobby Bighead. > He has no last name on the show. > Stacy's last name was revealed in "Who Shot Principal Li?" by Danny > Bronstein (Please forgive me if I am wrong). > [All rise to leave.] Mike: [grumbling] Oh, you're WRONG all right, sister. Crow: C'mon, Mike. Stay positive. Tom: Say it with us. Mike: [sighs] Ok. All: [together] I'm so glad that's over with. Tom: Yeah! [All exit.] (*)... <2>... !3!... /4\... [5]... =6=... (%) [CUT TO: SOL Bridge. Mike, and Crow stand there in bright colored t-shirts, Dickies pants, and skateboarding helmets. Tom's wearing a shell necklace and has a red bandana tied around his forehead.] Mike: Aw, man, that Joanna is one ragin' dude, dude! Crow: No fear, dude! She's such a dude, dude! Tom: Actually I found her exaggerated embrace of youth culture a little cloying. [Mike and Crow look at him.] Tom: Dude? Mike: Dude! Crow: Duuuuuude! [As Crow speaks, we hear the FX of gas hissing through a hose.] Mike: [dropping out of character] Um... you guys hear something? Crow: Like what? Mike: [thinks about it, decides it's just him] Nothing. Tom: Aw, man, this is the life! Trapped in space, breathing recirculated oxygen, knowing you're the best there is at using your board! Crow: Whoa, Tommy S! You're not intimating your skills on a board are superior to my skills on a board? Mike: Myself, I'm reserved about my skills on a board. While better on a board than either of you on a board, I prefer to let the board do the speaking, rather than act as an unsalaried spokesman for the board. Which can only end in bad feelings between the board and its burgeoning press corp. Tom: [challenged] That's it! Everyone! Grab your BOOOOARDS! ALL: BOOOOOARDS! WHOOOO! [Tom and Crow dash off screen. Mike tries, but he goes swimmy, and collapses right on the desk. Tom comes back carrying a chalkboard, and Crow comes in carrying an emery board. The FX of the gas continue.] Tom: OK! We've got our boards! I'm gonna use my blackboard to demonstrate how the Bernoulli principle allows an airplane's wing to create pressure differentials, resulting in lift! Crow: And me? I'm the king of nail filing, as you can see from my custom-built emery board! The flip side has custom art by Boris Valliparo! Tom: [waits a beat, then looks at Mike] Mike, what are you doing? Crow: [whining] The joke doesn't work unless you bring in your ironing board, and brag about your multiple temperature settings and upright steam spray abilities! [They wait for Mike to respond. He does not move. He's out cold.] Tom: Mike, come on! We did the "Mike's dead" skit back in "Projected Man"! Season Nine! Crow: Yeah, what, we can't have one skit where you're not the center of attention? Well that's just great! Tom: I am SO not talking to you right now! Crow: Me neither! Tom: There is no communicating with you when you're like this! Crow: I'm done even trying! Tom: It's like we can't even get a word in! Crow: Oh, we might TRY to make a cogent observation. Tom: Explain how small you're making us feel! Crow: But it's pointless! Because you won't listen! [They wait for Mike to respond. He continues to lay there, and the gas sounds keeps hissing along.] Crow: And stop making that stupid gas leak noise! Tom: It wasn't funny when you started thirty seconds ago! Crow: It certainly wasn't funny when you asked us if we heard it, and we lied and said we didn't! Tom: And if anything, it's gotten even less funny now that you're unconscious! [CUT TO: Castle Forrester. Pearl cackles, as she shuts off the valve on a huge canister labeled "CARBON MONOXIDE". ] Pearl: Apparently you little canaries didn't take my warning seriously! Now get back in that theater. And STOP, DOING THINGS! [Cut to SOL. Lights flash, buzzer sounds.] Tom and Crow: NOOO, WE GOT STORY SIIIIIGN! [Tom and Crow leave. Mike does not move, but we go through the door sequence anyway.] (%)...=6=... [5]... /4\... !3!... <2>... (*)... [Tom and Crow are already seated. Rubbing his head, Mike stumbles in and takes a seat.] Mike: Wow. How long was I out? Tom: Ten hours. Mike: Really? Crow: Yeah, Tom and I played "Zobmondo" to kill time. Mike: Boy. That's a disturbing amount of "Zobmondo". > Are You That Guy? Mike: No. I'm sorry. You lost yourself. Tom: I think she thought you were someone else. Crow: Eh. No biggie. Some rain, huh? > By The Unknown Tom: The Unklown! The sober, introspective clown who can't spell. Mike: It's an "n" and you know it. > (screw.you@gurlmail.com) Crow: Or maybe, grow.up@skateloser.com? > Summary: Five months after the rape. Joanna throws a huge ass party. Mike: Al Roker and Raymond Burr tie one on! > Will Jane > come, and will she click with a certain guy? Crow: Oh, a fight over the remote! That's always good fanfic fodder. > (and it isn't Jesse) Tom: Lately something's changed that ain't hard to define. Jesse doesn't have a girl, and I wanna make her... stop. Crow: You know, now that we've read the summary, I say we skip the story and grab us a Choco Taco. [Crow rises to leave, Mike grabs him.] Mike: Sit down. Crow: Nuts. > Scene 1: Show Daria, Jane, and Joanna walking down the hall. Crow: I said, I don't wanna! > Daria is in her > usual attire. Joanna is wearing wide legs, and shirt that says "Hail Me!" [All laugh weakly.] Mike: Jane and Daria have shirts saying "We've Never Met This Woman Before In Our Lives" on backorder. > While > Jane is wearing her black under shirt, and wide legged jeans. It has been > exactly five months since the rape. (1) Tom: So we should buy her a cake? > Joanna: So you guys coming to my huge ass party? > Daria: Sure why not. Mike: [Daria] I've always been a sucker for ass-related festivities. > Jane: I dunno. I mean aren't parties the main place for rape? Tom: No, you're thinking of Mike Tyson's bedroom. That's miles away. > Joanna: Jane. Evan is locked up (2) Crow: [Jo] Those two guys he got to chase you aren't, but it's not like he can get on the phone and tell'em to wreak bloody carnage on you or anything. > Jane: Sigh, you're right. I'm going to walk home. Mike: [Jane] And think about what my life was like before the yammering skateboard junkie. > Daria: O.K see ya later. > Joanna: Natch check it. > Jane: Huh? > Joanna: Nothing. Crow: [Jo] Just me, being too cool for the room. Tom: Joanna must be the girl "you're standing on my neck" was directed towards. > Scene 2: Show Jane walking home. She hears footsteps behind her. Mike: Which was weird, since this rapist was in a wheelchair. > She Quickens > her pace. Tom: "Highlander 2: The Quickening"! Crow: "Jane's Crisis 2: The Sickening". > Trent: Whoa! Slow Down Janey! > Jane: Trent don't do that! Tom: Don't... what? Caution you? Walk on the sidewalk? Respirate? Beep if I get close. > Trent: Sorry. So you going to Joanna's party? > Jane: sigh, I don't know. Mike: [Jane] If I need to be suffocated by a bore, I can always do "One on One with John McLaughlin". > Trent: Will think about it o.k? Crow: [Jane] But my name's not Will. > Jane: O.K. > Trent: Jesse, and I are gonna rehearse. Mike: Gonna do a scene from "The Fantastiks". You'll love it. > You wanna hear us? > Jane: No not really. Besides Jesse probably wouldn't be to thrilled to > see me. Tom: Well, try rubbing some Hardee's behind your ear. > Trent: Alright. > Jane: I'm going to my room. > Trent: O.K. see ya. Crow: You will believe a man can say good-bye to his sister. > Scene 3: Show Jane in her room asleep close in on her hair then zoom out so > we see Jane running through a forest. Tom: "Prefontaine 3: This Time He's a Girl". > Behind her is Evan. He tackles her to the > ground. Mike: Co-ed rugby. A co-production of ESPN and the Spice Channel. > Jane: Get off of me NO GO AWAY! (We see an elipse of Jane Tom: She's being a bit oval-dramatic. [Mike and Crow groan.] > tossing in her sleep. > Suddenly she wakes up with a jolt.) Crow: [Jane] AAAAUGH GET THE HAIR DRYER OFF MY WATERBED! > It was a dream. Only a dream. Mike: A luscious, velvety, buttery dream. > (She reaches > under the bed, and pulls out a stuffed tiger, that looks very similar to > Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes only darker.) Crow: Bill Watterson's "Pulp Fiction". > Jane: sigh Snuffers it's pathetic. Mike: [tiger] You're telling me? I could write better! And I lack a central nervous system! > (She hugs it, and resumes to sleep.) Tom: [dreamily] Yes, it's once more off to the Wifty-Nifty Land of Nod... [hellishly] WHERE THREE-HEADED DEVIL-PARROTS WILL PECK YOUR EYEBALLS OUT! BLAH! Mike: [cringing, softly] Sheez. Crow: [at Tom] You're a weirdo, you know that? > Scene 4: Show Trent and Jesse practicing. Mike: [Jesse] Dude, you're like a hackeysack machine! > Trent: Man something's really up with Janey. Crow: [Trent] Wonder if that brutal rape has anything to do with it. > Jesse: I hope she's not still mad about the break up. > Trent: Give it time Jess. Just give it time. Mike: For only with time can she understand why you discarded her like some plaything you got bored with. > Jesse: Yeah guess you're right. > Trent: So are we still going to Joanna's party? > Jesse: Isn't that a high school party? Tom: Well, Joanna's in high school, soooo... no. No it's not. > Trent: Aww come on Jess. > Jesse: Alright. > Trent: Knew I could count on you. Crow: [Trent] My little abacus. C'mere and I'll rattle your beads! > Scene 5: Show Jane in her bed. Crying. Mike: Most people didn't take Mariah's performance in "Glitter" this personally. > Jane: It's not fair. Why does this shit always happen to me? Tom: [Jane] I wish I were never drawn! > First Evan rapes > me. Then Jesse breaks up with me. Crow: Then the Olympics preempted "West Wing"! OK, that one was kinda minor. But it still hurt! > Now everyone expects me to be cheery. It's so > unfair. All: ["Malcolm"] o/~ Life is unfa-a-air! o/~ > (cut to a flashback of her and Jesse.) > Jesse: Jane I really think we should break up. Tom: [furious Jane] I CAUGHT YOU IN BED WITH MRS. MORGENDORFFER!! Mike: [Jesse] Jane, please. Let's not make this about blame. > Jane: But why? > Jesse: Well it's just that you were raped a short time ago. Crow: [Jesse] And you gave the police my description. I'm calling from a holding cell. > Jane: Oh so you consider me damaged goods? > Jesse: That's not what I said! Mike: I said you were factory refurbished! There's a big difference! > Jane: Yeah I can see Evan was right about one thing. (Tears start to > form in her eyes.) Tom: [Jane, crying] Third party movements create only the illusion of empowerment due to their counterproductive effect on the issues they're formed to further! > Nobody loves me. Crow: [Jane, crying] Everybody hates me! I'm gonna eat some worms! > (cut back to the present. Jane is crying again.) Tom: o/~ Whoa, whoa, whoa! Janey's crying! o/~ > Jane: (Shaking) Yeah he was right. No one loves me. Mike: [knock knock knock] Janey, it's Trent. Just wanted to make sure you didn't think I loved you or anything. > Scene 6: Show Joanna in her living room talking to Quinn on the phone, and > making a check list. Crow: [Quinn] OK, so far for not loving Janey we have Andrea, Kevin, Brittney, Mack, you... Tom: [Jo] Don't forget yourself. Crow: [Quinn] Whoa, good catch! > Quinn: So like what kinda music are you going to have? > Joanna: Oh a little of each flavor. Mike: Hammerstein, Lowe, Webber. Want to get a good spectrum across the classic eras of Broadway. > Plus two bands are performing! > Quinn: Oh I hope it's the BSB! and N Sync! > Joanna: No. It's my band, and Mystik Spiral. Crow: They'll be juggling for food, but it's still performing in a way! > Quinn: Oh. So what should I wear? > Joanna: Come screaming like a maniac naked. Crow: Oh. It's one of THOSE parties. > I don't know! > Quinn: Ummm O.K guess I could wear that cute fuzzy sweater. Mike: [Quinn] Or that cute Fuzzy Zoeller. Golf pros are sooo where it's at! > Joanna: Call the Fashion Club. See if they're still coming. Tom: She needs to know how many bear traps to set out. > Quinn: O.K bye. > Joanna: Of course. Hmm let's see. Ah me call Jane! [All snicker.] Mike: Johnny Weissmueller throws a party. > (She picks up the phone and > dials. Cut to a split screen of her and Jane who looks normal now.) > Jane: Yo! > Joanna: Hey sup? Crow: [Jane] No thanks, I already ate. > Jane: Nothing. > Joanna: So you coming or not? Tom: [Jo] I got you this cute nametag! "My Name is Blank and I've Been Raped". > Jane: Fine I'll go. Beats being alone. > Joanna: Great cuz I have a guy who really wants to meet you > Jane: Yeah a guy. Who can use me ,abuse me ,then dump me? Crow: Well the order is strictly up to you. > Joanna: No. His name's Brandon. Tall, dark, cute too. > Jane: I thought the same about Evan. Mike: Jane, Evan was a five-foot-four walking pimple with hair! > Joanna: Oh come on. He's really sweet, caring, sensitive. Tom: [puzzled] Then why would he hang out with Joanna? > Jane: I wish. > Joanna: Do you turn out like Miss Bitch? All: [resentful] HEEEYY! Mike: Now that's just uncalled for! Crow: Since when are anti-heroes this much anti and this little hero? > Jane: Miss Barch. No. Fine I'll go. > Joanna: Great see ya tomorrow. By. Tom: [Jo] And remember, be at my party or you're a harlot and a tramp! > Scene 7: Show The Lawndale Prison. Inside one of the cells is Evan and a > Couple of guys named Knife and Brad. Mike: [Prisoner 1] Hi, I'm Knife and Brad, and this is my friend, Knife and Brad. Crow: [Prisoner 2] No relation. > Brad: (To Evan) So whatcha in fer kid? Kinda young ta be murdurin somone. Tom: [Brandon] Thanks! I was a National Merit Scholar in third-degree felonies. > Evan: Oh nothing. > Knife: Oh come on tell us kid. I'm in here for armed robbery, and Brad's in > here for vehicular homicide. Crow: He killed a car?! Neat! > Evan: Alrite I raped some girl. > Brad: Whoa kid ya know we don't tolerate yer type. All: Huh? What? > Knife: yeh raping some girl is just low kid.(3) Tom: Moses... Francis of Assisi... Knife. Mike: The giants of ethical morality. > Evan: But you guys stole or killed someone. > Brad: Yeh kid, but ya stole some girl's virginity, and killed her dignity. Crow: I fail to see the dignity in ramming someone with your Ford Esplanade! Mike: And killing Jane's dignity was the author's crime. > Come > on Knife let's beat this little shit. (They beat the shit out of Evan) Tom: Was it not Thomas Aquinas who said, "Verilee, let us open a can of whupass 'pon this pinhead geek!" Mike: Yes. It was not. > Scene 8: Show Joanna preparing the party. Crow: [Jo] Got to get the seating right. Boy-bitch, boy-bitch. > Joanna: O.K food over there. T.V in there. Skating in there. [All snicker.] Tom: In where, the linen closet or the butler's pantry? > Dancing, and > chilling here, pool outside. Mike: [Jo] Altar where the unworthy masses can worship my flyness, here. > Got it. Need to rehearse. (She pick up a guitar, > and starts singing.) Crow: [Jo] o/~ Mi mi mi! o/~ I mean, o/~ Me me me! o/~ > Since when was the last time I looked in the mirror? Mike: I'm guessin' ten, thirty seconds tops. > Saw > something queer couldn't quite tell it. Tom: Hey, she's latent! This means her homophobia's nothing but a shield of denial. Mike: Tom? Drop that line of thought, and let it roll under the couch. OK? > When walking down the street I stopped > short. Crow: [Jo] Martin Short! I gave him my autograph. > Walking by was my look alike. Mike: Her evil twi-! Wait, no. Her humble, empathetic twin! > and they said we could pass as twins, yet > we share no common interests no hope for a common future. Crow: This is a song? Mike: It... has an ability to be spoken while music plays. I guess. > I guess I have this to > say. Tom: [Jo] Everyone not at my party will have their clique status devalued. > Your my alter ego the side I've never shown before. A side I keep locked > away in a storage place deep inside. Mike: o/~ In Locker 423 in the bus depot of my so-o-o-oul. o/~ > That's all I gotta say for now. > (She puts down the guitar. A short applause is heard.) Crow: That's more politeness than she deserves, really. > Brandon: Nice song Joanna. Tom: Except for the words. And melody. And you should learn some chords instead of just flailing at the strings like that. > (He has spiky brown with bleached blonde streaks,baby > blue eyes, has a muscular built, is 6'0, and has a goatee.) Mike: I think it's George Gray from "The Weakest Link". Crow: Good. Now I can be repulsed AND annoyed. > Joanna: What are you doing here? > Brandon: I was bored. Tom: [Brandon] You got anything that like, explodes or something? > Joanna: So you wanna meet a girl tonight? > Brandon: I don't know. > Joanna: Come on. Her name's Jane. Tall, black hair, pale skin, Mike: [Brandon] Pale skin?! Va-va-va-VOOM! > energetic, and > sensitive. Tom: And I emphasize "sensitive" before I mention her prehensile tail. Crow: What about "smart"? "Talented"? "FUNNY", for cryin' out loud! Mike: Take away "tall", and she's describing Michael Jackson. > Brandon: Will O.k. Crow: Yes, Will IS okay, isn't he? > Joanna: Great. Will party will be starting in an hour. Mike: Boy, this Will guy pulls a lot weight in this town. Tom: The fact he got a non-speaking role says volumes. > Scene 9: Show Joanna's house filled with people. We see the Fashion Club > Looking at the food, Tom: Cold McDonald's cheeseburgers, cut into quarters and served on a toothpick. Crow: The kind with the curly colored cellophane on the end? Ritzy. > the three J's oggling Quinn, Brittany, and Kevin making out. All: WHOA-HO!! Crow: Quinn, Britt, and Kevin making out! It really IS one of those parties! Mike: [hanging his head in his hands] Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Tom: Um... are you talking to us or the story? Mike: I've lost track and I don't care. > Daria, > and Trent talking in the corner, Tom: [Trent] Hey Daria. How's that whole social outcast thing going for you? > Brandon walking around, F.L.I.P. performing, > and Jane on the couch with a soda talking to Jesse. > Jane: Look Jesse I know I've been acting like a baby, Crow: Nonsense! Now shut up and drink your Similac. > but this ordeal has Been > very painful. Ummm could we just be friends? I mean it seemed like all we > did was have sex. (4) Mike: [Jane] Sweaty, forbidden passion surging though our loins... we certainly don't need any more of that! > Jesse: Yeah I guess we could. Well gotta go check on Max, and Nick. (He > walks off.) Tom: Off to see Max God-she's-boring and Nick Get-me-the-hell-outta-here. > Jane: God I'm tired. (She looks up and sees Brandon.) > Brandon: Umm hi. Are you Jane? > Jane: Yeah and you? > Brandon: Brandon Sumanhon [All titter and guffaw.] Tom: Oh, you can NOT be serious. Crow: Brandon Sumanhon!? Mike: Can we call you BS for short? Tom: Just when I'm getting over Armond Harmon... > Jane: Jane Lane. So what brings you to this party? > Brandon: I'm one of Joanna's friends. Crow: [Brandon] When she isn't shoving my Pokemon cards in the spokes of her dirt bike. > (Sits next to her.) So you wanna slow > dance? Mike: Rico! Suave. Crow: BS is as smooth as a porcupine salsa. > Jane: Next slow song. Yeah. > Brandon: So what do you like to do? > Jane: Art. Running. Tom: Art running? What is that, racing Picassos? > Brandon: Cool, I skateboard, and do art too. > Jane: So who's your favorite artist? Crow: [Brandon] Shakira! And her independent hips! > Brandon: Oh I kinda like the works of M.C Escher. (5) Tom: Can't paint this. o/~ Doo, doo doo doo. Doo doo. Doo doo. o/~ > Jane: Hmm I don't really have one. Crow: Jane's getting very blonde all of a sudden. > So what kind of stuff do you paint? > Brandon: Oh I draw skater symbols, and naked people. [All snicker.] Tom: Nnnnnnekkid pipple. Mike: Brandon's got all the brooding intensity of a first-season Beavis. > Jane: I see. I prefer blood, and lots of it. Tom: Goth golly gee. > Brandon: Cool. (F.L.I.P. starts to play a slow song.) Crow: Trouble is, it's "We Didn't Start The Fire". > Jane: Want to? (They step out onto the dance floor. Jane's wraps her arms > around his neck, and his hands around her waist.) All: Awwwwww... Mike: [tender] Thank you, Hollywood, for depicting rampant teenage hormones as love, again. > Brandon: So do you like this? Tom: [Jane] Still trying to get past that "Sumanhon" thing. > Jane: Like what this song? Hmm... yeah I guess. Mike: Never heard a rock band with a klezmer before. > Brandon: So after the party do you want me to take you home? > Jane: (Stops. Hands fall at her sides, and she runs outside crying.) GO > AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!! [All chuckle. Crow sighs, and shakes his head.] Tom: Yes, the steady, confident, detached Jane Lane we've come to know and love. Crow: So... why is this show called "Daria", exactly? Mike: It's complicated. > Brandon: JANE! WAIT! Crow: [Brandon] I really need an answer on whether I'm taking you home or not! > (The party goers stare at him as he runs out to find Jane. Who happens to be > in the yard, kneeling down, sobbing.) Mike: "Are You That Guy?" was made possible by a grant from The Bipolar Foundation. Tom: TBF! Because we care about WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! > Jane: Just go away. Crow: Renee. > Brandon: Jane what's wrong? > Jane: Like you would care. Tom: Since when has that ever stopped a girl from talking? > Brandon: Jane you can tell me. Mike: [Brandon] We've grown really, really close in these last... um... damn, wish my watch had a second hand. > Jane: O.K if you have to know, (softly) I was raped. > Brandon: Oh no. > Jane: I'm sorry I yelled at you like that it's just. Crow: -my way of teaching you your place. > Brandon: (interrupting her.) You thought I would assault you? > Jane: Yeah. > Brandon: I would never do that. Mike: [Brandon] Certainly not now that you've... I mean, no! I would never do that. Really. > Jane: I guess you're right, but I still want to walk home with my friends. > Brandon: O.K I understand. Hey call me tonight. > (He writes down his number, and something else.) Tom: His favorite passage from "Chicken Soup for Tony Hawke's Soul". > Jane: O.K. (she slips the paper in her pocket.) > Brandon: ummm are you going to leave now? > Jane: Hold on. (she grabs his arms, and pulls him close. Crow: [Brandon] So you're going to leave now? Now? What about now? > They lean forward, > And kiss each other gently, but in passion for about 3 minutes. Tom: Ugh. Mike: Jeez. BS, buddy. Think about this. Crow: Yeah, this girl's about as stable as a three-legged pool table. > They are then > interrupted by...) Tom: Check it out. We're caught between the Scylla and ellipsis. [Mike and Crow groan.] Mike: You're, um... unusually busy with the puns today, Tom. Tom: Yeah. I figure no pun I make can be as bad as what we're reading. Mike: Well... don't be so sure. > Joanna: O.K homies I think we're going to have a little heat tonight so get > them coolers. Crow: Bartles and James! The thinkin' girl's sod-y pop! > Jane: What are you doing? > Joanna: I was ready to leave. Tom: But it's your house. > Are you? > Jane: Yeah, what about Daria? > Joanna: Oh she's making out with Trent. > Jane: I knew it. Mike: [Jane] I win the pool! Can't believe Jesse thought they'd be "arguing the nature of being". > Brandon: Well guess I'll see you later. > Jane: Yeah (He kisses her softly one more time.) By. > Brandon: By. Tom: Chair and co-chair of the Silent E Sucks Council. > (Joanna, and Jane walk home together.) Tom: But they were AT JOANNA'S HOUSE! Crow: And not for nothing, but Jane was supposed to walk home with a friend. > Scene 10: Show Daria, and Trent driving in the car. > Daria: I wonder if Jane's home now? Mike: [Daria] Perhaps I should plant a lowjack in her spine. > Trent: Yeah she should be. (They pull up to the Lane house. On the porch > They see Jane who is reading the note.) Crow: [resentful] The Lanes don't have a porch. Tom: Even the houses are out of character. > Trent: Hey Janey. > Jane: Oh hey. > Daria: What are you reading? Mike: [Jane] "Celestine Prophecy". > Jane: This note Brandon gave me. > Daria: Oh. > Jane: Will time to hit the sack. Tom: But Will's not tired! > (she walks in the house, and reads the note one > more time it says.) Crow: [Brandon] "Dear Abby. Your advice about repressing my out-of- control date rape fantasies is working great!" > Jane call me tonight my number is 435-0953 I really had a nice time, and > remember you're special. Mike: Not every girl can emit gibbon-like shrieks on command. > One saying I have in mind. Tom: [Brandon] "Dollars for donuts". What does that mean, exactly? > You are like the unique > flower that grows upon the others. Crow: Sucking them dry like a parasite! > Some may be in bunches fighting to be the > prettiest, and some are like weeds who steal anything the chance they can > get. Mike: Some are like lichen growing on the north side of trees. It's amazing how far you can take this comparison. > You however are the one unique flower that stands out. Tom: [Brandon] I'm going to pluck you for hybridized breeding purposes! Mike: I tell ya, "BS" is sure earning his monogram here. > Some may think you > strange, but I don't. > Love Brandon. Crow: P.S. As a naked people artist, I'm constantly looking for new talent. If you're not busy Sunday... > Jane: (A tear rolls down her cheek.) Evan was wrong. Someone loves me. Mike: [Jane] Someone whose mangled allegories have just given my life new meaning! > The End All: YAAAAAY!!! > Song: Are You That Guy? by F.L.I.P All: BOOOOOOO!!! Tom: Somebody yank the plug from their amps, quick! > Last time I saw a man it was a painful ordeal. Crow: It was Kevin Costner in "Dragonfly". > Didn't think I could ever trust > anyone again. Till my eyes met yours from across the room. Mike: Now I've given up on men, and started dating eyes! > Couldn't stop staring > at the face I had seen. So I walked across the room, as you did the same. Tom: We passed each other and accomplished nothing. It was really embarrassing! > We > introduced ourselves. Then we slow danced. Mike: So are we to assume this a song? Tom: Absent music, rhyme, meter, imagery, metaphor, or any other poetic devices, yeah. > With one thought running through my mind. Crow: Why not serve hot pepper sauce on vanilla ice cream? > Are you that guy I can trust? The one > who loves me for me, and not some lust. Mike: Who'll fix my jalopy and scrape off the rust? Tom: Who'll make me a home out of stale pizza crust? Crow: Who'll defend my mail bombings as righteous and just? > I hope you are. Yes I hope you are. Tom: For YOUR sake. > The > man that I can trust. Mike: TRUST Lee Myles, for all your transmission and teenage romance needs. > Authors notes: > O.K., the story after "Jane's Crisis". Crow: -sucked, but you've figured that out by now. > As we can see in this one Jane does find > another man, now to explain a few things Mike: Here's how Hillary was able to kill Vince Foster and make it look like a suicide... > 1) Jane was raped in Jane's Crisis. Crow: [shuddering] Like I'm ever gonna forget THAT. Perv. > 2) She was raped by Evan. Tom: A reminder, from the Church Of Latter Day Misanthropes. > 3)It has been said that rapers are held the lowest down, Crow: Lower than cutlasses or broadswords? Mike: I'm guessing you read that as "rapiers". Crow: Are you now. Well bully for you. > and tend to be beaten, > and shunned. I am going to explore this matter more in "Forgive Me Please". Tom: She's the Ponce de Leone of prisons, she is. > 4)In "Jane's Crisis" Jane and Jesse started having sex. Crow: Not that I care, but no they didn't. Not that I care or anything. Mike: Perish the thought. > 5) He was best know for his unusual tessellation. Mike: His tessellation thought "Mad About You" was better than "Seinfeld". Tom: Wow. That's a pretty unusual tessellation. > Will that's all I have now. Crow: [Will] That's OK, honey. You tried. > Cut to a shot of a girl sitting on a large arm chair. She is wearing a red > robe, snow cap, and shades. This is Coolsy from the Wackies. Mike: Yes, that's right... THE Coolsy from the Wackies! > Coolsy: (Flatly) The story you have seen is true. Crow: Except for that bit about me being Coolsy from the Wackies. > All of these events Have > happened. Should I also note that no more strange bizarre stuff will happen. Tom: [Coolsy] I've spoken to God, and he's on board with me on this one. > (As > if on cue a jar with a girl inside hops past.) Crow: Huh? Mike: Must be a friend of Jan in the Pan. > Jar Girl: I want beer give me beer! Tom: An endearing, alcoholic version of Sonny the Cocoa Puff Bird. Crow: She's bonzo for Bass Ale! > Coolsy: Oh God. (Two girls run past laughing like maniacs, holding a sign > that says "This Has Been a Shumeup Production". Mike: Oh, it's been some kind of "up" production, all right. > Then a boy that looks gothic Crow: He has a cathedral ceiling? > lights > the place on fire.) > Boy: Alright! (The screen burns to a crisp, as we hear maniac laughing in > the back ground.) Tom: Ladies and gentlemen... Arson Wells. [Mike and Crow glare at Tom threateningly.] Tom: Oh, what, like it wasn't? Mike: You are so lucky it's time to go. [Mike picks up Servo, Crow rises, they begin to exit.] > Another note: O.K that was a little bizarre, but that will be my closing > from now on. So get used to it. > Mike: Never ever ever in a million zillion years! Crow: I'm so glad that's over with. Again. Tom: Yeah! [All exit.] (*)... <2>... !3!... /4\... [5]... =6=... (%) [OPEN ON: SOL Bridge. Mike is sitting, awkwardly, fidgeting. Tom and Crow flank him, bored.] Crow: Boy. Hanging on the bridge not doing anything was a whole lot more fun when we could do stuff. Mike: Yeah. [stops, considers what was just said] I mean... yeah. Tom: Still, there is a certain comfort in having the decision of what to do resolved for us. Crow: Like in today's fanfic. Mike: Huh? Crow: Well, think about it. When Jane gets raped, do any of the good folks in Lawndale stress over difficult decisions like how to comfort her, how to talk about it- Tom: How it makes THEM feel- Crow: Or whether to confront the rapist about his destructive behavior? Mike: No... [he gets it] because Unknown has already decided how they should feel for them! Crow: Every act, no matter how heinous, is immediately accepted with a blasé, wiseass attitude! Tom: These people know not to beat a dead horse, but rather stand next to it, and go, "Look. A dead horse." Mike: They are a proud, and simple people! Crow: Well, simple, anyways. Tom: And what is it that gives their lives such structure? All: INDIFFERENCE! [Intro music to "Tradition" plays.] Mike: [spoken] Yes, my friends, without indifference, our lives would be as shaky as a Fiddler on the Half-Pipe! Mike: o/~ How can you stand your co-worker's derision? o/~ Crow: o/~ Even your own mother Tells you you're a failure. o/~ Tom: o/~ How can you stand there, watching your fiancé Tonsil-box the garbage man? o/~ All: o/~ IN-DIF-FEREEEENCE, INDIFFERENCE! o/~ [Suddenly the music stops, and the SOL bridge goes completely dark.] All: [startled] In-diff-YAH! [Now the sprinkler systems bursts to life. Mike and the bots cringe as they get soaked.] All: AAAUGH! JEEZ! Mike: What the hell?! Tom: You know guys, I think Pearl may have noticed. Mike: [mad at himself] Aw man! That whole "not doing things" thing! [hits himself in head] Stupid! G'ah! Crow: Wow. And we were just talking about it too! I gotta admit, I feel shamefully dumb right now. Tom: Tell me about it! After what happened the first time? Mike: We've gotta just have no ability to retain information, or learn from experience whatsoever! Crow: Shyah! [The three stand there, cold and dripping wet in the dark, annoyed at their own idiocy. The sprinklers keeps pouring.] Tom: So... should we do the second verse? Mike: Don't see why not. Crow: [pleasantly] I think we'd be fools NOT to! Mike: OK then! o/~ What do you call it, when- [We hear the FX of a heavy weight being released from a rope. Mike looks up and screams as a large fluorescent statue of an unpleasant looking man in glasses and a three-piece suit lands on Mike's shin, pinning him. He screams in agony.] Mike: AAAAUGH! Crow: Woooow! Pearl dropped us a life-sized glow-in-the dark statue of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld! [Mike desperately clambers up the desk, pounding the table in pain.] Mike: My foot! It's on my foot! Tom: [still in awe of statue] It's amazing! It features are so cold, so harsh! Crow: Bordering on grotesque! Mike: [pounding] Someone get it off my foot! Tom: Yet suddenly I feel so much more secure about our ability to defend ourselves from foreign interests! [Mike looks at his leg in horror.] Mike: [near tears] Oh my god, my leg's bent like Gumby! Tom: Oh, buck up Mike. At least you don't have to worry about that carbon monox- [FX as the seeping gas pours in again. Mike double takes, and throws Servo a look before slowly blacking out and slumping beneath the desk.] Tom: Heh heh! Sorry Mike! Don't worry, the nanites'll reconstruct your shinbone, Gyps'll get you some oxygen and a towel, and we'll have you back in the theater watching deviant rape fantasies in no time! Crow: What a trooper. Let's move the statue to his half-bath! Tom: [to audience] We'll be right back. Crow: Hey, Tommy, check this button out! [Crow presses a button on the statue. Suddenly it frowns horribly.] Tom: WOOOOW! An articulated scowl! Crow: Cool! [CUT to logo, commercials.] ======================================================================== [OPEN on theater. Mike files in, carrying Tom and rubbing his head. Crow follows, and they take their seats.] Mike: This ban on doing things is giving me a headache. Tom: Is the gas having any effect on your short term memory? Mike: [after a pause] Gas? Tom: Never mind. > What She Deserved? Part 1/2 Crow: Darn, I was never good with fractions. Is that the ruminator, or the reanimator? > by The Unknown > (screw.you@gurlmail.com) > Tom: Once it's edgy. Twice it's anti-social. Now, it's just sad. > Scene 1: The locker areas. We see Daria grabbing her books. Mike: Her books slap her. Daria learns a lesson about boundaries. > She feels a tap on > her shoulders; Crow: Her performance was so wooden, she got mistaken for a sugar maple. > startled she jumps. She turns around to see Jane. > > Daria: Could you stop doing that? > Tom: [Jane] Well technically I did when you turned around. > Jane: What? Oh sorry. > > Daria:So where's Joanna? > Mike: Pounding out another Britcom with Saunders. Called "Glitterball". Seems lame. > Jane: Who knows maybey she's attempting to skate off the roof. (A) > Crow: Nah. We can't be THAT lucky. > Daria: O.K where's Brandon? > > Jane: Over there. (Points towards Jamie) > Crow: [Jane] I think he ate him. > Daria: Jamie White? With out the other two J's? > Mike: Yeah, Wheel of Fortune needed them when they made "Jumping Jack Flash" a bonus puzzle. > Cut to Brandon, and Jamie. > > Jamie: So like how do I tell Quinn I like her? > Crow: ["Speech" short] You must be pleasing. Use plenty of lip and tongue action. > Brandon: Will you could just flat out ask her. > Tom: Hey, Will's tired of fighting your battles! > Jane, and Daria walk up. > > Jane: Or you could write a mushy poem. > Mike: Inscribe it on a bowl of Wheateena. > Joanna walks up to them. Board in hand. > Crow: Hacksaw Jim Duggan! > Joanna: Jamie. Write a song. Music speaks. > Tom: She writes the songs that make the whole world invest in Earplugco. > Jamie: Thanks Sandi. I didn't know you were a musician. > Mike: Oh, he's seen her band. > Joanna: (Glaring) My name's Joanna.(B) > Crow: Joanna B? What is that, her street name? Mike: I don't know. Ask Ja Daria over there. > Jamie walks away from them whistling. > > Jane: (To Joanna) Why don't you chop your hair? > Crow: [Jane] With an axe? While it's draped around your neck? > Daria: And risk the fact that she won't look like Sandi. > Mike: Dry wit! Now in new wit-free! > Brandon: Or risk the fact that people will think the actual Sandi went > insane? > > Joanna: I'm not cutting my hair. > > (They walk to class) > Crow: OK forget the hair, how about cutting your screen time so we can get some DARIA in our Daria story! > Scene 2 > We see the Fashion Club. > Tom: Through the crosshairs of a telescopic sight. > Quinn: So like who should I go with? > > Tiffany:Oh Joey definately. Mike: You know, Johnny Dangerously's cousin? > > Stacy: Yeah! > > Quinn: What about you Sandi? > Crow: [Sandi] Me? Go with Quinn? She's not even the prettiest latent in the room. > Sandi:(Deadpan)Umm like go with Jamie. > > Quinn: Umm o.k. Whatever. > Pause Tom: "Speed 3: Girl Talk!" Crow: [Reeves] If the conversation starts, it will explode. > (The three are waiting for Sandi to reply "Maybey you should be > president.") > Mike: Wow, the new edition of "$25,000 Pyramid" is hard! > Sandi: Yeah whatever. > > Stacy: Sandi. What's wrong? > > Sandi: What do you mean? > > Tiffany: Like usually you act like a conceited snob. > Tom: [Sandi] Ok. Um... Go with Jaimie, you bitch. Mike: [Quinn] Much better! > Quinn: No offense. > > Sandi: Look nothings wrong. (She storms off to the bathroom.) > > Quinn: Sheesh what crawled up her ass and died? > Crow: My desire for a Richard Gere joke here shames even me. Mike: As well it should. > Scene 3: Show Sandi at the sink crying. > Tom: Life in Lawndale is so much easier since they switched to a binary emotion system. > Sandi: Why did this have to happen to me? Now I know how Jane felt when she > was raped. Mike: [Sandi] Suddenly I feel like following that skateboard chick around, and becoming the wall she bounces her character against! > God; this is my fault. I've always acted like a bitch. Now I got > what I deserved. (Cut to flashback) We see Sandi with some guy. Crow: [Sandi] Why did I say that? It sounds like the scene set-up or whatever. > > Sandi: Like this car sucks. So did that dinner. > Mike: [Sandi] So did the air quality. And you call that a cirrus cloud formation? > Guy (Neil): (Gritting) Look bitch; I've tried pleasing you for I don't know > how long. Tom: [Neil] My inability to tell time is really starting to catch up with me! > Yet all you can do is act like a cold hearted bitch. Crow: [Sandi] Wow, your rude, misogynist words must belie some inner beauty. Boink me. > Will I guess there's > only one thing that'll make you happy. > > Sandi: Umm what? > Mike: The complete "Sex In The City" collection on cassettes or DVD! > (Neil is in his driveway now. He gets out. Sandi follows him. He opens the > door to his house.) > Crow: [panicked] The stage directions are coming from inside the house! > Sandi: Like I should go home. (She starts to walk off) > > Neil: (Grabs her) I don't think so bitch. Crow: Uh-oooh... Tom: Mike, I'm getting some deja spew here. Mike: Be strong, Tom. Be strong. > (Before she can reply he drags her > to his room, then shoves her on the bed.) Tom: [sinister] We're gonna play trampoline whether you like it or not! > Do exacly what I say. If you don't > I will fucking kill you. You understand you little bitch? > Crow: [Sandi, indignant] I am perfectly average height for a bitch my age. > Sandi: Y-yeah > > Neil: Good; now do you know what I'm going to do? > Tom: [sick] All too well. Crow: Mike, this isn't fair! A second rape scene? Tom: What did we ever do to the Unknown, other than humiliate her in a public forum? > Sandi: Umm uh uh uh. You wouldn't. > > Neil: Oh I could, Mike: [Sandi] I said wouldn't, not couldn't! > and I will. Crow: [Sandi] You willn't! I mean- aw, scrap it. Just do your perv thing and get on with the story. > > At this he rips open her shirt. Then with a knife he slices off her bra. > [All whimper.] Tom: I can't look. I can't look. > Back to present. > Crow: Huh? [All breathe a sigh of relief.] Crow: OK! God exists! Cool! Mike: Then why'd he let the first rape scene happen? Crow: I said he exists, I didn't praise his attention span. > Sandi: Oh God. (She starts crying again. She then runs out the bathroom) > Tom: [weepy] I loved that bra so much! > Scene 4: Show Joanna in Ms Barcs class. > Mike: Barcs has bite! Crow: She does, too. > Ms Barc: Now for our final announcement. Study for the test tommorow. Tom: Look both ways before you cross the street. And don't inhale spray paint and drive. > Of course > to all you conniving males; don't bother. > > Kevin: All right! Did you hear that Mack Daddy? > > Mack: Don't call me that! > Crow: Call me Maurice! Tom: o/~ WHAP, woooow! o/~ > Ms Barc: Shut up both of you!! > > Joanna: Ah the sweet sound of Miss Bitch.(C) > Mike: o/~ The hills are alive! o/~ > Ms Barc: What was that Sandi? > > Joanna: My name is Joanna. Tom: [Barch] When you learn my name, Lucky the Leprechaun, maybe I'll learn yours. > The bell rings releasing the students. Joanna walks out to greet Daria, and > Jane. > > Jane: Yo. > Crow: Adrian. > Joanna: Hey. > Mike: Pleased to beat you. > Daria: Hi. > (Pause) > Tom: [after a long, deep inhale] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! Crow: [wailing] DO something! For the love of God! Mike: Guys, come on. > Jane: Some conversation. Tom: Even the characters can't stand it. > They see Sandi walking by with her head down. > Mike: Wow, she's good at walking on her hands. > Joanna: What's with her? > > Daria: Hmm you're right. She's acting more umm.. > > Jane: Normal? > Crow: Dariaworld! Where despair isn't just normal... it's a badge of honor! > Daria: Not as snobbish. > > At this time the FC walks up to them. > Mike: The Fish Cakes? Tom: The Forbin Colossus? Crow: The Fine-young Cannibals? > Tiffany: Umm Daria's couisin, or whatever? > > Daria: Yeah? > > Tiffany: Like what's wrong with Sandi? > Tom: Let me rephrase. What's DIFFERENT about Sandi? > Quinn: Yeah she's acting weird. > > Stacy: Oh yeah. > > Jane: She's probaly mad about some shirt. > Crow: Some brownshirt. The Hitler Youth opposes her stand on casual wear. > Joanna: Oh yeah. > > Tiffany: I guess. > They walk off. > Tom: The Lawndale debate team, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up. > Joanna: Guess well have to crack this case. > Mike: [baying] Rooby rooby rooooo! Crow: Eh, at least Will got some time off. Hope he's relaxing. Tom: Yeah. He works too hard. > Scene 4: We see the Griffins at the dinner table. Crow: Tearing apart an elk carcass. > Linda, and Tom are eating; Sam > and Chris are flinging food at each other; Sandi just pics at her food. > Tom: The prophet Elijah impatiently waits for his wine. > Linda: Sandi how was your day? > > Sandi: (Deadpan) Great. > Mike: [Sandi] Collared a perp for stretch pants abuse. Felt good. > Linda: What's wrong Sandi? Wait I know what'll cheer you up. Tom: [Linda] I'll stick forks in my baked potatoes and make them dance! > That boy Neil > called. > > Sandi: (Jolts) Neil? > Crow: You know, the one who's been a miner for a heart of gold? > Linda: Yes Neil. You know he's a sweet young man. Mike: [Linda] But I hope he'll remember, a southern man don't need him around anyhow. > You should go out with him > tonite. > > Sandi: (Quivering) I d-don't want t-to. > Tom: Mel Tillis: The Teenage Girl Years. > Linda: Why? > > Sandi gets up from the dinner table and runs to her room. > > Cut to Sandi's room. We see her face down on the pillow crying. Mike: She just found out Seth Green wasn't on Teen People's "25 Hottest" list. > Five minutes > later her mom walks in. > > Linda: Sandi what's wrong? Why are you crying? > > Sandi: (Muffled)Pheratmeph > [All snicker.] Mike: Pheratmeph? Tom: Pheratmeph, the only methamphetamine with pheromones. > Linda: Sandi get up from that pillow! > > Sandi: He-he-he > Crow: [Sandi] Your attempts at mothering are hilarious! > Linda: (Exasperated) What?? > > Sandi: (Giving in) He raped me. > > Linda: Oh is that it? Well just get over. > All: Wha? Tom: Huh, look. Andrea Yates's competition for "Worst Mother of the Year". Crow: There's only so much a man can boo until the boo has no meaning. > Sandi: (Yelling) How could you?? I've just been violated, and I'm supposed > to act like it's o.k? > Mike: [Linda] No, you're also supposed to score me a pack of Camels. And none of that menthol crap! > She runs out of the house crying. > > End act 1 > Tom: End my act of feigning interest. Fine! > Begin commercial break. > > #1. A commercial. > Mike: Wow, of all the numbers to have advertising budgets! Crow: At least, I hope it's the number, and not- Mike: Don't even say it. > Begin act 2 > Tom: Begin act of pretending my respect for the literary form of short fiction is still intact. > Scene 1. > > We see Joanna in some work out room. Crow: Concern yourself not with scene details, dear reader! All you need to know is, our plucky little Joanna has returned! > She's puncing on a punching bag. She hears > the doorbell ring. Mike: She wonders who put the doorbell button on her punching bag. > We see her answer it. > > Joanna: Oh hey Sandi. > > Sandi: Umm like hi. Can I like stay over here? > Tom: In some workout room? That's sad. Mike: You can sleep on the leg press. If you need a pillow, just grab a 20-pound hex from the dumbbell rack. > Joanna: Why what's wrong? > > Sandi: I ran away from home. > > Joanna: Why? > Crow: [Sandi] Prince spaghetti night. I HATE Prince spaghetti night! > Sandi: I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to say "I told you so" > > Joanna: What? > Mike: It's a rhetorical statement signifying precognition. But that's not important right now. > Sandi: I was raped. > > Joanna: (TVO) Crow: Oh good, we can fast forward through this part. Tom: That's Tivo. It's a different thing. > Geez 2nd one. Wonder how many more I have to put up with. Mike: Oh, has her personal pain inconvenienced you? I'm so sorry. Tom: Rape victims never consider how their whining affects the people around them. > (Speaking) Geez I mean you can be a conceited snob at some points,but > somebody doing that? That's low. > Crow: [Jo] You come CLOSE to the point of deserving to be raped, but not quite. > Sandi: Oh geez thanks alot. > > Joanna: Did you go to the hospital? > Mike: [Sandi] Enter a white building after Labor Day? > Sandi: No. > > Joanna: What about unplanned parent hood? > Tom: Well, it's a poor pun based on misunderstanding the Planned Parenthood mission. > Sandi: No. Why? > > Joanna: To see if you're pregnant, or have STD's > Crow: Stone Temple Doctors? > Sandi: I don't want any one to know. > > Joanna: (slightly rolling her eyes) No one else will know. > Tom: [Yosemite Sam] Rape victims is so stupid! > Sandi: Fine I'll go there tomorrow; but could you come with me? > > Joanna:(TVO) Be thankful you two look alike, or else people will assume > you're gay. Mike: Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with your nose ring, biker tattoos and boxing abilities. > (S) Umm sure. Anyways make your self at home. Crow: Leave tiny colonies of toenail clippings on my coffee table. > I'll show you your room in a > bit. Do you want anything to eat? > > Sandi: Do you have any lowfat salad? > Tom: [Jo] I have lard and butter slaw with tallow vinaigrette. > Joanna: Dear Sandi you're not fat. > > Sandi: Will do you? > Mike: [Will, chuckling] Why yes I do, Sandi! And I brought enough for everybody! > Joanna: Will I was fixing some chicken cheese enchiladas. Mike: [Will] Can't we have both? > That is if you can > handle the heat. > > Sandi: Umm like o.k. Do you have a T.V? > Tom: No, she's an Amish skateboard fighter. WHAT DO YOU THINK, EINSTEIN?! > Joanna: Yeah in the den. To get to elaborate NC-17 movies type in 3RT5T. > Crow: To access simpler porn, type "HOT-N-HORNY". > Sandi: Will your parents know? > > Joanna: Sandi between you, and me. I have no parents.(D) > Tom: Oh. Crow: Hm. Mike: So! With that nonsensical revelation, let's have no reaction and faaaaade to black. > Scene 2: Show The Helen sittin on the couch Crow: "The" Helen? Tom: Yeah, she successfully sued the others for trademark infringement. > doing some paper work. The phone > rings. She picks it up. > Mike: David Mamet writes a paragraph. It doesn't help. > Helen: Helloo! > > Linda: Hello Helen? > Crow: [Helen] That's THE Helen to you, fishface! > Helen: What? > > Linda: Is Sandi there? > > Helen: No why? > Tom: [Linda] Some new Sprint promotion. I get five cents a minute every time a call a place Sandi isn't. > Linda: Will she ran out of the house crying, and I thought maybey she was > with Quinn. > > Helen: No she isn't did you try the other girls? > Mike: Yes, they were delicious! > Linda: Yes, yes I did. She's not there. This is all my fault. > > Helen: Wait. Why is this your fault? > > Linda: Like you would care. *click* > [All snicker.] Crow: Boy, this story's "Huh?" to "Ew!" ratio is bouncing around like a flea! > Helen: (Looks at phone. Mutters.) Bitch. > Mike: [Jake] Yes dear? Tom: [Helen] Not YOU, Jake. Honestly! > Scene 3: We see Daria in Jane's room. > Crow: Spreading gasoline on her bed. Jane will soon learn not to stick her nose in Tony Soprano's business. > Daria: I can't believe there's something up with everyone favorate bitch. > Mike: Stephanie McMahon? > Jane:(Painting) I know. She's usually really conceited. > Tom: The cruelty of teenage girls, now in a jagged little pill! > Daria: Do you think maybey something bad happened to her? > Crow: No, her complete mental breakdown was caused by ice cream. WAKE UP!!! > Jane: Will we could call Joanna. > > Daria: Fine. > Tom: There's no real reason Jane should think Joanna has a clue about this, right? Mike: None I can see. Tom: Soooo... why isn't Jane using her psychic powers to win the lottery? > Jane moves away from the painting; which by the way is a picture of an > exotic dancing Sandi surrounded by skeletons watching her. > Crow: Wow, she really captured how much The Grateful Dead enjoy "I Dream of Jeanie". > Daria: (Flatly) Nice painting. > Mike: [Daria] You should try it with your head outside your butt sometime. > Jane: (Picks up phone. Dials) Hello is Joanna there? Oh hey! > > Joanna: What can I do for ya. > Tom: BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY! Mike: Tom, please. Tom: Oh, eat me, Nelson. I'm sick of her. > Jane: Did you find out what's wrong with Sandi? > > Joanna: Yeah. You're not going to like what you hear. > Crow: Well, since you're speaking, that's kind of a given. > Jane: What? > > Joanna: She was raped. > > Jane: By who? > > Joanna: Some guy. Name's Neil. Mike: He's got a kinder, gentler machine gun hand. > What's really upsetting her is that when she told > her mom; she said to get over it. Like she didn't give a damn. > Tom: [Jo] We're alike in so many ways. > Jane: Oh man. Listen I gotta go. > > Joanna: "Kay bye. *click* > Crow: [Jane] But my name's not Kay! What is it with these people and my name? > Daria: So? > > Jane: She was raped. What's even more sad is that her mom doesn't give a > flying fuck. Tom: She, the great winged prostitute of lore! > Daria do you think Sandi gets her bitchy attitude from her mother? > Mike: Odd context for a genetics dissertation. > Daria: (Monotone) Will they look alike if that's any indication. > Crow: The true message of Daria. You CAN judge a book by its cover! > Jane: I kind of feel bad for her. I mean she did try to take Brandon away, > but she didn't deserve that dammit!(E) > Tom: Yet another character contrasts their goodness to that of the bitchy, conniving rape victim! > Daria: So do I. Even though Stacy called saying she had a dream where Sandi > was chasing her with a bloody chainsaw.(F) > Mike: True, it was turned off and packed in its case, but still... > Jane: That poor little girl needs some guts. > Crow: Let's make her a mess of mama's down-home chitlins in gravy! Mm! > Scene 4: we see Sandi, and Joanna in Sandi's temporary room. > Tom: [Jo, the psychiatrist] Now Sandi. Tell me about when you first realized I was cooler than you. > Sandi: (Blurting out.) I wish I was never born. > > Joanna: Shocked) Why? > Crow: [Sandi] Sorry, thought I could lure a guardian angel down here so I wouldn't have to talk to you. Guess not. > Sandi: (Crying) Because I know damn well I take after my mother. She was a > bitch. [All groan. Crow shakes his head.] > She is a bitch, and she always will be a bitch. Mike: See, these pie charts R&D banged out show an SBC- a Solid "Bitch" Circle. > Maybey if I killed > myself everyone be happy. > Tom: YAAAAY- oh wait, Joanna wasn't speaking. Damn. > Joanna: Sandi. Dammit snap out of it. Look Sandi you may have some traits > of your mom which you can't help, Crow: Like double jointedness, and sickle-cell anemia. > but does that mean you have to be a clone of her? > Mike: Be the best damn bitch you can be! > Sandi: Ph. Yeah maybey I can sit on a microwave. > All: Ummmm... Crow: OK, that's inappropriate even for ME. > Joanna: No you can't. They have't done that in the movies yet.(G) > [All stare at the screen.] Mike: [throwing his hands up] OK! I give up. If Unknown isn't reading what she writes, I don't see why I should. Tom: We've crossed fully into Dadaism. Crow: Dadaism with ADD. Tom: [murmuring] Well, you can't spell Dada without ADD. > Sandi: Look I deserved what happened to me. > > Joanna: Why? > Crow: [shamed] I ate all the Frusen Gladje. > Sandi: Because I complained about the date. > > Joanna: So you acted like a bitch. Mike: So you're a clone of your hideous mother, genetically condemned to be a bad person no one could ever love. So what! > Sandi that gave him no right to do that. > > Sandi: Yeah, will. > Mike: [sighing] Will again. Tom: I visualize him as Eric McCormick playing Will Truman. Crow: Mm, I prefer seeing Alyson Hanigan as Willow Rosenberg! Tom: [chuckling sneer] You would. > Joanna: Did you call the police? > > Sandi: Yes I did. (Cries again) They let him off, because they believed > him. > Crow: [Sandi] It was a case of he said, bitch said! > Joanna: Sandi get some sleep. I'll be back in an hour. > Tom: [Sandi] An hour? Mike: [Jo] Yeah. Get some sleep so I can immediately disturb it. > Sandi: But. > > Joanna: No buts. Crow: [Sandi] But I like big buts, and I can not- Mike: Stop. > She exits. We see her walk to a room filled with many weapons. Tom: I'm guessin' there's a big empty space where the "Rapier Wit" should be. > She glances at > them then grabs a bo staff. Crow: As endorsed by Bo Bridges! Mike: No, Crow. Tom: "Beau". Crow: Oh. > (It's a long stick [Eww!] Not that! [O.K]) [Mike sighs, stretches.] Mike: Welp. Saves us the trouble. Tom: Small favors, I guess. > She > twirls it around. Then puts it back up. She grabs a blow dart shooter > (Whatever the hell they're called) Crow: Great. A sinister conspiracy to make people say the word "blowgun". > She grabs her skateboard.) > Tom: She drops the blowgun. She bends to pick it up. She cracks her head on the table. > Joanna: It's payback time. > Mike: Joanna McCoolcool IS Jean Claude Stallone IN "Final Deathwish 3: Sudden Vengeance 2!" > Scene 5: We see Neil walking along Dega Street* > *Why is it the people must walk on Dega Street?* Crow: Oh! I know this! Becaaauuse... they were nailed to the chicken! > Cut to Joanna who has the blow dart gun positioned at her mouth. She > inhales a breath of air Tom: >THUP!< [Mike makes choking noises and clutches throat.] > then blows. We see the dart traveling in slow motion. It hits him > in the neck. Crow: It's her way of asking Neil to sing "The Needle and The Damage Done". > He gasps, Mike: [Neil, gasping] Rock and roll will never die! Arrrrgh... > then falls over. > Tom: Good shot David Crosby! Now Stills and Nash, go tie him up! > Joanna:(As if talking to an audiance.) Mike: [author] No, not you. Some different, cooler audience! > don't worry folks. He'll be back.(Ske > skates home.) > Crow: [happy] The poison wasn't deadly, it just impairs kidney functions and causes night blindness! For fun! Tom: [grumbling] Christ. I've seen better heroes at Blimpie. > Scene 6: We see Sandi in the room. She looks around, and sighs. > Mike: [Sandi] Who paints a bedroom gray? Those "Decorating Cents" people must've been here. > Sandi: Maybey I should call my mom. (She picks up the phone.) Tom: She slams it down, cracking that stubborn walnut. > Splitscreen. Sandi. Linda. > > Linda:Hello. > > Sandi: Mom? > Crow: [operator] I'm sorry! To access my love, it is now necessary to dial "1" plus the area code. > Linda: Sandi? Is that you? > > Sandi:(Little hope in her voice.) Yes. > > Linda: Sandi get off that attitute of everyone's out to get you. > Mike: [Linda] It's making it really hard to slip the arsenic in your Vitamin Water! > Sandi: (Crying) What attitude? I've been raped. What really hurts though is > that you don't give a damn. Tom: [Sandi] You're not even TRYING to kill my rapist with obsolete tribal weaponry! > Well don't worry mom. You'll never have to see me again. > *click* > Crow: [Linda] Wow. That worked out better than I'd hoped. > Linda: What'd she mean by that? > [All snicker.] Mike: Half this story is phone conversations between people too stupid to know which end to talk into! > Scene 6: We see Sandi at the edge of a cliff. > What's This Life For? by Creed plays. > Tom: Hey guys! Creed's up on the cliff with her! All: JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! Crow: With head split open! Do it! > Sandi: I guess this is where it ends. I wonder if anyone will care? Mike: [raising hand] I do if it ends the story quicker. > (Disolve to dream sequence. We see the FC sitting around drinking Martinis. Tom: That's Zima with an olive in it! Crow: Ick. > We > also see Daria,Jane, and A.V* Sitting around. > (She was in Brassed Off.) > Mike: Nnnnno, I saw that movie. It wasn't animated. > Quinn: Isn't it wonderful? Now that Sandi's dead I can be president! > Crow: See, the great thing about the Bush presidency is Cheney never has to think like this! > Stacy: Yeah! > > Tiffany: I... am... Tom: [Tiffany] -in a... hurry. > like... so... Mike: [tersely] So. > happy... Mike: [same] Happy. > she.. Mike: [getting angry] She! > died. Crow: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS GIRL A JOLT COLA OR SOMETHING?! Tom: Man. How can she stay so thin? Her metabolism's slower than a tree sloth. > > Pan to the others. > Mike: No, frying pan to HER. In the FACE! Please! > Daria: Ah yes finally after Sandi's death... > (Dissolve again.) Crow: WHAT?! What after Sandi's death?! Tom: Damn it, you let sloth girl finish her sentence! Why can't Daria have a complete thought? > Sandi shakes her head. She looks down at the cliff. Below are some jagged > rocks. > Mike: As well as some plush rocks and some downy rocks. Crow: This whole cliff was giving her mixed messages! > Sandi: Guess it's now or never. (Before she falls. A pair of hands grab > her.) Tom: Why... it's God! And teenage pop sensation Jewel! Crow: What're you guys doing here? Mike: [Jewel] I was opening for Creed on this cliff when I saw Sandi try to kill herself! Tom: [God] I also was opening for Creed. [muttering] Friggin' kids. > Hey let go! > > Joanna: SH! Sandi what the hell are you doing? > > Sandi: What does it look like? > > Joanna: You're going bungee jumping without the rope? > Mike: You're trying to impress the Wile E. Coyote fan club? Tom: You're reconstructing Galileo's Tower of Pisa experiment and didn't have a heavy weight? Crow: You took REM's "I Am Superman" a little too seriously? > Sandi: (Crying) I just want to get out of this. > > Joanna: By killing yourself? Look you have a lot to live for. Tom: The Gap could go bankrupt any day! Don't you want to be alive for that moment? > Don't kill > yourself. > > Sandi: Then how can I get help? Crow: [puzzled] Help? Life's a pointless series of crushing disappointments. There's no help. > > Joanna: They have a girls counseling group at school. I call it DDD. > Drugs,Drinking, Deppression. Mike: That's when Johnny Depp fans realize his career ain't comin' back this time. > > Sandi: But I don't drink, or do drugs. Crow: {Sandi] And "Edward Scissorhands" was like SO overrated. > > Joanna: True, yet maybey deep down inside the popularity you have > deppression. > Tom: [Jo] He was so good in "Ed Wood"! IT'S NOT FAIR, DAMMIT! > Sandi: What if it doesn't work? > > Joanna: Will you can always pop pills * Mike: [Will, resentful] Hey! Will gets high on being mentioned in other people's lives! > *As in taking medication* > [All snigger.] > Sandi: I'm not convinced. > Crow: Neither am I. She meant recreational narcotics. > Joanna: Sandi. Please don't. Look I didn't want to tell you this, but.. > > Sandi: You're gay, and are in love with me? > Tom: [Jo] No. I'm gay, and I'm in love with you. > Joanna: HELL NO! Look the reason why I look like you is... > Tom: [Jo] I'm gay, and I'm in love with you. > Sandi: Is what? You're a clone? > Crow: No, a Mac. > Joanna: No I'm you sorta. > Mike: Tommy Yousorta? The old Dodger manager? > Sandi: Huh? > > Joanna: It's a loong story that I'll explain one of these days. Tom: Aah, foreshadowing! Kill her. > Let's just > say I'm your alter ego. > Crow: Well... OK. All: [in unison] I'm your alter ego. > Sandi: Uh buh uh duh. > [All cackle.] Tom: That's Hawaiian for, "Right. Sure. POLICE!" Crow: Doesn't "uh buh uh duh" come before "said the monkey to the chimp"? > Joanna: (smirks)Just don't go blurting it out. > > Sandi: Fine. I'll get help. > Mike: [Sandi] 'Cuz there's no way I can get you in the straitjacket alone. > Joanna: You ready to go back to my place? > Crow: And spend the night alone with a total whackjob? Sure! > Sandi: I guess. > > Joanna: First we need to talk to the FC. > Tom: [Sandi] To KFC? Mike: [Jo] Yeah, I think I got Honey BBQ'ed severed human finger with my Value Meal. > Scene 7: We see Sandi at Tiffnay's house with the other members. > > Quinn: Sandi! What are you doing here? > Crow: [Sandi] I've like, broken into Tiffany's house to microwave this pre-packaged macaroni and cheese? > Sandi: I was wanting to talk to you guys about my behavior. > > Tiffany: O... Crow: President Bartlett's a high school basketball coach! > K > Mike: Oh, so at least this story's a good source of potassium. > Sandi: The reason why I was acting strange is because I was umm... > Tom: ...out of Corn Pops. > Stacy: Sandi tell us. > > Sandi: Raped. > > Stunned looks from all. > > Tiffany: Sandi... Mike: o/~ Can't you see? I'm in misery! o/~ > I... Crow: Robot. > am... Tom: Annoying. > like... Crow: [vicious] A cold sore on the inner lip of humanity! > so... Mike: A needle pulling thread. > sorry. > Tom: [muttering] Ho, you're sorry, all right, sister. > Quinn: What guy was it? > > Sandi: That's not important. All: [apoplectic] PFT- WHAT?! > What's important is that it was like a wake up > call, and I can't always act like a bitch. Mike and Tom: [over each other] D'oh, jeez! Fer crying out-! Crow: Oh, that is IT! [From god knows where, Crow brings a telephone to his ear, and starts to dial.] Mike: Crow, what are you- Crow: Back off, Nelson. This doesn't concern you. > > Quinn: So do I get to be president? > > Sandi: (smirks) Not while I'm around. > > Joanna: Atta girl! > [Suddenly a phone rings on the screen.] > Sandi: Wait is that the phone? Maybey I'll get it. > (Sandi walks away from the FC to pick up the phone. She reaches the > phone. She picks up the phone. She speaks into the receiver.) > Sandi: Hello? Crow: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT GUY RAPED YOU?! Tom and Mike: [startled] YAH! > Sandi: Uh buh uh duh. Crow: Do you have ANY idea how much PAIN AND MISERY that guy's caused? Mike: [hushed] Crow, you're gonna get us in trouble! Crow: [ignoring him] What about the girls he dates in the future?! What if one the FASHION CLUB dates him because YOU didn't tell them who the flip he was!? > Joanna: Who is it Sandi? > Sandi: Like you would care. (Sandi bursts into tears and leaves.) > Joanna: (TVO) I am so sick of these whiny little rape babies. (picks up > phone) OK, who do I have to track down and kill now? And you better not be > gay. Tom: Sh! Crow! Hang up! Crow: Hey, I ain't afraid of Little Miss Can't-Be-Wrong. I DARE her to kill me! > Joanna: (pulls out a pad and pencil) Can do. What's your address? Crow: It's 1313 Castle Forrester Lane. Mike: CROW! > Joanna: Got it. Thank you for flying Air Joanna. 'Kay bye. (Joanna > hangs up.) Mike: [panicked] ARE YOU INSANE?! Pearl's gonna KILL us! Crow: Hey, how's she gonna find out? She's monitoring your mind, not mine pal. Mike: [in misery] Oooooh... Tom: C'mon, Mike honey. It's done. Let's finish up here. It'll take your mind off it. [Suddenly CUT from theater to a tall, chestnut haired man, wearing jeans and a red flannel shirt, staining a patio deck in suburban New Jersey.] Brendan: [removing goggles] Hi folks. Brendan Herlihy here. Just wanted- Wife: [offscreen, angry] BRENDAN! SHE DID IT AGAIN! Brendan: [after wincing] Just wanted to tell you none of what happened after that phone rang was actually part of Unknown's story. Wife: [os] SHE POOPED ON THE DINING ROOM RUG! [Brendan looks to the house, grimaces, then looks back to camera.] Brendan: I, er, made that all up. Wanted you to know, because like Bravo, I respect the artist and their work. Except for Joanna, who's probably a self-insertion character. And we all know how pathetic you have to be to insert yourself into your own story. Wife: I'M GONNA THROW THAT CAT IN THE DRYER WITH A SET OF STEAK KNIVES! Brendan: Er... carry on. [puts down stain, nervously heads to the house] I better... I don't want to have to buy new steak knives. [CUT BACK to theater.] Tom: Did you guys hear something? Crow: Was it like a distant scream, as if a million readers threw their hands up in disgust at once, and were then silenced? Mike: Probably the boiler acting up again. > Scene 8: Jane is in her room with Brandon. > > Brandon: So then Sandi's mom didn't give a shit? > Tom: Wow. He is way too obsessed with her constipation. > Jane: None at all. > > Brandon: I feel for her. > Mike: [Brandon] I've had some trouble "moving the merchandise" myself. > Jane: Even though she tried to take you away? > > Brandon: Yeah. (Phone rings) > > Jane: Yo! > Tom: -mama is so fat! > Joanna: Hey. > Crow: o/~ Big spender! o/~ > Jane: So what's the news? > > Joanna: Will she attempted to kill herself. Luckily I stopped her. Mike: By snapping her neck like a fallen twig! > She'll be > going to DDD meetings. > > Jane: Umm O.K > Crow: Whew! Thank god Jane greenlighted her therapy. > Joanna: Now she's going to have to face her greatest challenge. Her mom. > Mike: Yeah. That'll be MUCH tougher than learning to be emotionally vulnerable with men again. > Jane: Bummer. Will see ya. > > Joanna: Bye. *Click* > Tom: Their phone calls are efficient to the point of coldness. Crow: Yeah, not even end-of-call pleasantries, like "Hope the skate-fighting goes well", or "Don't kiss the blowgun unless it buys you dinner first". > Scene 9: We see Joanna, and Sandi at Sandi's front door. > Crow: [Sandi] So like, when I set the dog poop on fire and ring the bell, shouldn't I run away? Mike: [Jo] No, just stand there. I'll watch from the bushes. > Sandi: Guess it's now or never. (Before she can open the door her mom > walks out. Tom: [Linda, distracted] So we write her out of the will and get relieved of being legal guardia- oh hi! > She gets a suprised look when she see's two Sandis. > Mike: [Linda] Oh, great, now you're gonna fight and I have to figure out which one of you to shoot. > Joanna: Hell with it maybey I should look like Daria... > Crow: Yeah, that would increase the number of characters who look like Daria to one. > To Be Continued... > [All rise to leave.] Mike: [pleasantly] Our pain has many layers, which can't be confined to the boundaries of these pages! Crow: Thank god we can- > Notes > [All grumble, and return to their seats.] Crow: Oh right. > A: This is a joke from from The Wackies. Tom: Prepositional stuttering! Ask for it by-by name. > In the comic strip X skates off the > roof. (And winds up knocking Coolsy unconsiouse.) > Mike: Aw, man, I would give so much to be in Coolsy's shoes right now. Crow: [resentful] Lucky Coolsy. God I hate her! > B: She looks like Sandi. > Mike: Have I pounded that point 'til it's tattooed on your skull yet? > C:She dubbed her that in AYTG? > Tom: Aytg, the red creature you sacrifice artifacts to. Mike: Tom, you really need to sell some of your Magic cards, guy. Tom: [aghast] What?! Never! > D: (Spoilers for Our Alter Egos) Crow: I believe they opened for Alien Ant Farm at The Bottom Line last year. > Being as Joanna is Sandi's alter ego it makes > since that she wouldn't have any parents. > Mike: Well, it sure doesn't make any "sense", so making "since" might be its only option. > E: She tried to to take him away in "Brassed Off (Daria) > Crow: Someone's someone's spell checker had their double double word check switched off. > F: This was on the FC's official home page. > > G: A ripoff from the Simpsons. > Tom: "Family Guy"? How does that figure? Crow: Don't ask me. Her switch from numbers to letters has me completely disoriented. > Authors View. > Crow: Um... isn't that what the STORY'S supposed to be? Mike: You'd think. > Oui. Tom: [French] Dees eez fun! Ouiiiiiiiii! > This is probaly one of the toughest stories I've written. Mike: What a coincidence. > Seeing as how > alot of people hate Sandi Griffen. Folks what if there was a reason to her > bitchy attitude? Crow: There's also a reason preying mantises eat their mates, but it doesn't make getting your head bit off any easier. > Personally I do believe it comes from her mom. Mike: Yes, embrace your deficiencies, for they are your parent's gift to you! > Look at both > their looks, and personalities. > Tom: I'm getting uncomfortable at how Unknown wants us to draw conclusions from people's looks. Crow: Well, Joanna looks like Sandi. Why isn't she a-? [Tom and Mike look at Crow] Crow: Just forget I said anything. > The following people I would like to thank. > > Peter W. Guerin: Mike: What? Tom: What?! Crow: WHAT?! All: WHY?! > For being one of the authors who doesn't think Sandi should > die. Mike: [incredulous] Someone is actually THANKING Guerin. Crow: You know what they say. If you live long enough... you'll sorta wish you hadn't. > > Austin Covello: Crow: International Goombah of Mystery! > For his essay on Sandi that encouraged me to do the story. > Tom: Covello! You will see me after this story, head bowed and trousers down! Mike: OK. That's just WRONG. > Soundtrack. > Mike: Soundtrack? Crow: Here's the music you didn't hear while reading. I hope you enjoyed it! > 1: Open Road Song -Eve6 Mike: Twice as good as Three Dog Night. Tom: I'd go with 10,000 Maniacs, because it's cheaper to buy in bulk! > 2: The One- Backstreet Boys. Crow: No, actually there's a fair number of them performing under different names. > 3: Pretty- Korn Crow: o/~ Pretty Crack Korn, and I don't care! o/~ > 4: Tommorow- Silver Chair Mike: That's their cover of Mr. Rogers' goodbye music. > 5: Normal Like You- Ever Clear > Tom: But what if the "you" were David Lynch? > All I can think of. > Mike: -is a hot bath and a bowl of no-bean chili! > Till part 2. > [All rise to leave.] Crow: Next week, we'll be back with more bands struggling for relevance in the post-Nirvana morass we call contemporary rock. Until then, this is Don Kirschner saying, "Until then, this is Don Kirschner saying." Tom: Glad that's over with again, again. Mike: [shaking head] Thanking Guerin. Sheesh! [All exit.] (*)... <2>... !3!... /4\... [5]... =6=... (%) [OPEN ON Sol Bridge. Crow and Tom are warily regarding a steel shoe-box sized contraption is on the desk, featuring two bullhorns attached to the top, and a siren light. Mike enters, and sees the new addition.] Mike: Now what? Tom: Don't know, but there's a note attached. Crow: Maybe it's from Pearl? [Mike removes the note and opens it.] Mike: Hm. "Mike. Note I didn't use the word 'Dear'." Tom: It's from Pearl. Mike: "The attached Activity Detector has been programmed to go off whenever you or your pathetic metal simulacrums try to do anything, like read this note." [Immediately piercing sirens and buzzers goes off, the bridge goes dark, the siren lights up and spins. Mike and Crow cover their ears- it's painfully loud. Tom just shrieks.] Tom: AAAAAAAUGH! IT HURTS! Crow: [shouting to be heard] TOMMY! COVER YOUR EARS! Tom: [same] WITH WHAT, PING-PONG BALL BRAIN?! Mike: [same, to Cambot] PEARL!! COME ON! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! [CUT TO Castle Forrester. Pearl and Brain lounge, quietly enjoying some yogurt together. We hear the piercing sirens from the SOL in the distance. Pearl absently fishes in her pocket, takes out her keys, and points them at the screen. She pushes a button, and the sirens give that distinctive CHIRRUP! of a car alarm before going silent.] Pearl: [phony empathy] I know it's hard, Nelson. It's hard for me too, getting this much pleasure from watching you suffer. Observer: [offering a fresh container] More Strawberry Banana, Pearl? Pearl: [leaning back in contentment] This is good. Observer: This is really good. Pearl: This is taking candy from a baby good. Observer: This is setting up a shell company, inflating its value through anonymous Internet posts, then selling before the ceiling collapses good. [The doorbell rings.] Pearl: Bobo! Door! Bobo: [o.s.] Coming! [Bobo crosses the background right to left, to answer the off-screen door, as the scene continues.] Pearl: This is spraying a flesh-eating virus onto Martha Stewart's wedding cake good. Observer: This is rigging the Oscars so a hit-and-run driver gets hailed as a heroine good! [We hear FX of a door opening.] Bobo: [o.s.] Yes, who is it? Oh! [We hear the FX of a blowgun being fired, and the THUNK! of a dart hitting fur.] Pearl: This is "Celebrity Boxing" good! Observer: This... [considers] aw hell. It IS "Celebrity Boxing" good! Pearl: It is, isn't it? [Bobo enters, slowly, with a dart sticking out of his eye.] Bobo: Lawgiver? Do we know a Thunk? I asked who was at the door, and they said "Thunk", but I couldn't remember if we knew any Thunk. Pearl: Tell them I'm very busy and I wish they were dead. Bobo: OK. [Bobo returns to the door. Pearl and Observer continue to revel in their yogurt.] Bobo: [o.s.] I'm sorry, if you'd like to leave a business card... Oh! Oh my! [Bobo's exclamations are each preceded by another blowgun shot and THUNK! Bobo returns, now with three darts in the same eye.] Bobo: Er... they said they'd wait. Pearl: Oh for the love of- Joanna: [o.s.] BANZAI! [Suddenly a gang of skateboarding ne'er-do-wells charge into the scene, cracking Bobo over the head with a board, throwing Observer out of his chair and dumping yogurt on him, breaking the coffee table to smithereens with a hoot.] Pearl: Oh my word! A band of ruffian guttersnipes! Joanna: Heeeey! That sounded gay. You know, Missus Lady, God created Adam and Eve. He didn't create Eve and Eve. Unless he named one of the little bunny rabbits or butterflies he made Eve. Which would mean he created Eve and Adam and Eve, Eve Eve and Adam, and/or Adam and Eve and Eve! Pearl: [scared] What do you want? Joanna: Gonna destroy your home and turn it into a bitchin' skate park for my homies! Wooooooo! Joanna's friends: Woooooo! Pearl: [to the camera] Mike! DO SOMETHING! [Cut to SOL. Crow, Mike and Tom sit, staring straight ahead, emotionless and motionless. Hold for a few seconds to establish that, just as Pearl demanded, they are doing nothing.] [CUT back to Castle. Joanna and her friends are wrecking the joint. They pose like kung fu masters before breaking furniture and knocking lab equipment over. A small fire has started in the back. Pearl is stage front, pouting.] Pearl: Oh sure. Take advantage of poor old Civil War widow in her time of need. Fine. I hereby, forthwith, rescind my previous blah blah, just go ahead you lousy stinkheads, you can do stuff now. But you owe me! [CUT TO SOL. Mike and the bots chuckle and revel in their little victory.] Crow: All right! Yeah! Tom: So how are we gonna stop these little grandkids of Douglas Copeland? Mike: Good question. Hey Pearl, you still got that device that amplifies the truth of any statement? [Cut to Castle. Destruction continues.] Pearl: Now, what kind of mad scientist would I be if I didn't have my device that amplified the truth of any statement? It's tied to the SOL communications system, for when I tell you guys how wretched and unfunny you are. [CUT to SOL.] Mike: Good! [He thinks about that, his face falls a little.] Good. Turn it on and put us on speaker. Tom: What are you doing? Mike: Watch. [to camera] Hey dudes. Saw you all leaping around like little ninjas down there, and... you DO know that that whole martial arts thing is over, right? [CUT to Castle. The gang stops momentarily, and warily approaches the camera.] Dude 1: [timidly] Um... what? [CUT to SOL.] Mike: I mean, that whole "Crouching Jet Li, Hidden Yeoh" thing. That was never actually cool. Crow: [catching on] Yeah, that whole genre of fighters flitting about on wires? Looked like Peter Pan throwing a hissy fit! [CUT to Castle. The skateboarders begin to look insecure and scared.] Dude 2: What... what's he saying, Jo? Joanna: Shut up! He's bluffing. [CUT to SOL.] Tom: And you're not really drinking Mountain Dew, are you? I mean, any idiot can see it's nothing but Hi-C with bubbles in it. And only little BABIES drink Hi-C, right? [CUT to Castle. The dudes are looking warily at the bottles of Dew now in their hands.] Dude 1: [pathetic] But... it's the Dew! Dude 2: [weakly] Yeah. Do the Deeeew! [to Jo] I'm still hip, right? [desperately grabbing Jo] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME I'M STILL HIP! Joanna: [beginning to break] Don't listen! We're all still cool! [CUT to SOL.] Mike: Skateboard all you want, but none of you are ever getting a video game named after you. Tom: Already the world is openly mocking folks who laughed at Tom Green. Crow: Or listen to Sum41, Sugar Ray or Slipknot! Mike: And take the manufactured fantasy of consensual statutory rape away from Britney Spears, and what do you get? [CUT to Castle. The gang is cowering, whimpering.] Joanna: [panicking, covering her ears] Don't you say it! Don't you say it! [CUT to SOL.] All: [in unison] TIFFANY! [CUT to Castle. The whole gang screams in horror, and abandons Joanna as they scurry away. Pearl advances on Joanna, now alone.] Joanna: [nervously giggling] 'Kay bye! [She tries to run, but Brain Guy and Bobo are behind her, and grab her.] Pearl: [threatening] YOU, are without a doubt, the most annoying, self- aggrandizing, morally BANKRUPT little vandal I have ever laid my eyes on. [suddenly pleasant] Have you ever considered an internship with a mad scientist? Joanna: [after a double take] Well... I'm not that good in science. Pearl: [putting arm around Jo, leading her away] Believe me, there's a reason the word "mad" comes before the word "science". [throws camera a dirty look] What are YOU lookin' at?! Get back in that theater and lick your bowl of pain clean! [CUT to SOL. Buzzers buzz, lights flash.] All: OOOH, WE'VE GOT STORY SIGN!! (%)...=6=... [5]... /4\... !3!... <2>... (*)... [The threesome enters the theater and sits.] Mike: Well that had "pyrrhic victory" graffitied all over it. Tom: Tell me about it. > Forgive Me, Please. Crow: I know not what I write. > by The Unknown Tom: Huh, great. The one thing I fear writes a fanfic. > (screw.you@gurlmail.com) Mike: And people say computer geeks are anti-social. > ================================================================ > Summary: Crow: Yes, it is unseasonably warm. Mike: Summary, Crow. Not summery. Crow: Oh. > Three years after the rape Jane and Brandon have sex. Evan is > released from prison with one thing on his mind. Tom: [Evan, intense] Must... kill... Eva... Savalot! > ================================================================ > WARNING!!: This has some sexual content in it Mike: 'Cuz if the content weren't in it, where would it be? > so if you're squeemish about > this stuff don't read it! Also note that the characters are in their 20's. > Crow: WARNING! These people are in their 20's! Tom: Prolonged exposure may result in a deluded sense of entitlement. > ================================================================ > Scene 1: Show the Lawndale prison cafeteria. Crow: No! I don't wanna! Mike: [chuckling] Ha. That's still funny. Crow: [puzzled] Funny? What're you talking about? > We see Evan walking to a > table carrying a tray with crap on it. All: EWWWWW! Mike: He's in stewardess training! Tom: [Evan] Yeah, well, have you tasted the alternative? Shepherd's pie my ass. > He is about to reach the table at > the corner when he trips. Food splatters everywhere. Crow: Nickelodeon's "Oz". > It also splatters on > Knife, and Brad.(1) Mike: "Knife and Brad!" The Odd Couple for our generation! Tom: Tuesdays, after "Dharma", this fall! > Knife: Hey, you little shit, watch where you're going. > Evan: Sorry. > Brad: Sorry ain't gonna cut it, kid. Tom: [Brad] Knife's gonna cut it! Ain'tcha, knife? Crow: [knife] Right-o, Bradley! >(He rubs his head on the floor hard.) > Tom: Evan Buffrag, Human Floor Waxer! Mike: Shouldn't they put a Swiffer on his head first? > Evan: Ow! > Brad: Yeah, ya better be sorry, little boy. > Evan: Oh, man. Crow: Walt Disney's "Scared Straight". > ================================================================ > Scene 2: We see Evan in his cell writing in a diary. > ================================================================ > Dear Diary April 5, 2002. > Well, it's been 3 years in prison for the rape. All: o/~ Happy an-ni-ver-sar-y! Happy an-ni-ver-sar-y! o/~ > I feel well kinda bad for > raping that girl Jane Lane. Mike: And people question the rehabilitation value of prisons! Tom: [Evan] Gosh oh willickers, how this vague remorse lingers like a tiny potato chip stain on my soul. > I don't know what got into me. It was like a > force deep within in me that did this. Crow: A force about six inches below my navel. > I tried to stop after that but I > sexually assaulted some girl Stacy Nibblett on a date. Crow: [Evan] Then that whole Boston Strangler-inspired killing spree. But after that, nothing! > Prison life is pure > hell. Each day I am subjected to beatings by two guys. I feel really bad > diary. If only she would forgive me. Mike: This story really allows us to explore the "sex predator as victim" question. Does our moral repulsion exceed the physical? > ================================================================ > Scene 3: Show Joanna, Steven, Medow, and Eric of F.L.I.P rehearsing. > ================================================================ [All snicker.] Crow: "F-Lip", ladies and gentlemen. "F-Lip". Tom: Middle-class teens in a band. Your signpost for suck! > Joanna: O.K, let's see here. we're going to practice "My Alter Ego". Mike: Because it's that time of the month again. > Eric: Man, that's all we ever practice. > Steven: Don't you have any other songs? Tom: Well yeah, but they involve more than one chord, playing in key and stopping at the same time. > Joanna: Well, no. > Medow: Ha! I know that look. > Joanna: What look? Crow: Heroin chic? > Eric: You got something, don't you? > Joanna: Yeah it's called "The Crappy Song". [All laugh weakly.] > Wanna hear it? Mike: Not particularly. > O.K. (picks up > guitar. Starts to play.) Crow: o/~ E-lec-tric youth! o/~ > Crap!crap!crap!CRAP!CRAP!CRAP! [All snigger. Mike sighs, and punches himself on the side of the head a couple of times.] Mike: Ah! Ah! That's better. Tom: Producers for the band Matchbox20 vent their frustrations! Crow: Still... they sound better than Nickelback. > Medow: O.K, we get the point > Joanna: Good. Look let's just skip today. Mike: [Joanna] Don't wanna wear ourselves out for our big gig at- oh wait, we're F-Lip. We have no gigs. Sorry. > I'll call you back when > something inspires me. Tom: So they're safe 'til she picks up the next "Sweet Valley High". > Eric: O.K. > Medow:Come on, let's go. > (The two walk out together. Eric with blonde slicked back hair, blue eyes, > a baby face. Medow with blonde hair, blue eyes, and pretty short. 5'1" to > be exact.) Crow: Ah, so we only know what people look like when they leave the scene! Mike: [bitter] I hope we know what they all look like VERY soon! > Steven: So, can't get inspired, can you? Tom: [Joanna] Nah, I just wanted to know who the hell those people were. It was hard to tell while they were in the room. > Joanna: Not yet. > Steven: All well that's O.K. (he kisses her on the lips) Mike: This was the inspiration for her big hit, "Don't Ever Touch Me Again You Creepy Slug-lipped Man" > ================================================================ > Scene 4: Show Jane and Brandon at the Lane residence. > ================================================================ > Brandon: So, you ready for our all day date? Crow: [Jane] For the last time! I'm your sitter! Now pipe down and watch your quasi-religious talking vegetable cartoons. > Jane: Yeah. What are we doing anyway? > Brandon: Oh I was thinking first the movie, then a picnic, then the > carnival, then we could go to a hotel. Mike: Then a blacksmith, a crack den and a haberdashery. Crow: The "picnic and carnival" phase of this relationship should've ended years ago. Tom: Yeah, the "regrets and recriminations" phase should kick in any minute. > Jane: Sounds good. > Brandon: Really? > Jane: Yeah. > Brandon: You sure? Tom: No. Mike: Oh? Crow: Yeah. Tom: Great. Mike: Wow. > Jane: Shut up before I change my mind. Crow: [Jane] And after I change my mind, too, if you could. > Brandon: O.K Well, let's go. Tom: And so, with the complex scheduling of the day sorted out, the young couple was free to admit that they should indeed begin to leave. > (In the car.) Mike: o/~ Here in the car. We can read about things. As they go on their date. It'll bore you all to tears. In ca-ars. o/~ > Jane: So, what are we going to see? > Brandon: Hmm. Haven't decided. Crow: [Brandon] Dead body sound good? Got one in the trunk. > Up to you. > Jane: I don't care. Tom: Never in history has an author so fully embraced such raw, naked ambivalence. > Umm, uh, I guess that remake of "Titanic". I hear both > Jack and Rose die. > Brandon: Cool! Mike: [Brandon] Carnage RULES! We gotta do a "Faces of Death" marathon! > (At the ticket counter.) > Brandon: Two for "Titanic", please. > Ticket Seller: Agh here's ya tickets. [All titter.] Tom: "Agh here's ya tickets"?! What the-?! Crow: Long John Silver's got himself a McJob. > Enjoy the flick. Mike: [pirate] Or I'll KEELHAUL yer scurvy hides! Arrrrgh! > Jane: O.K do you want me to save us a seat, and you can get the snacks? > Brandon: Nah. How 'bout you? > Jane: O.K you want a large coke, and Milk Duds? > Brandon: Yeah. Tom: I bet Brandon hears the words "you" and "dud" a lot. Mike: Brought to you by the Haitian Sugar Cartel. Evil never tasted so sweet! > Jane: O.K see you in there. I'll wave. Crow: [Jane] From my real boyfriend's Corvette pealing away from the parking lot. > (Brandon goes in the theater, and see's no one there.) > Brandon: Alright! > Jane: Alright what? Oh! (Notices the empty theater.) Woo Hoo! Mike: [exhaling] So! Tom: [sighing] Yup. Mike: Going to the movies. Crow: Maybe. I don't think the author's really established that yet. Mike: Agh. > Brandon: Front, or back? Crow: Which set of his teeth would you rather pull out with rusty pliers? > Jane: Middle. > Brandon: As you wish. Tom: [Princess Bride] Wesley! > (Three hours later.) Mike: Certainly feels like it. > Jane: So Rose falls down, and gets chopped up by the propellers? Crow: Oh why, oh why couldn't it have been Celene Dion? > And Jack > also falls trying to save her. Tom: Then Superman reverses the rotation of the earth, and finds out Rosebud's a sled. > That was way shorter than the original. Mike: So's a colonoscopy. > (Sorry all you Leo fans. I couldn't resist.) Crow: So we get an apology here, but not for the explicit rape scenes. What should I infer from this? Mike: That the author's more scared of Leonardo Di Caprio fans than of the general public. Crow: [pause] Huh. Well when you put it THAT way... > Brandon: Most of my attention was on you. > (They've been making out the whole three hours.) Tom: Immediately contradicting the movie was "way shorter" than "Titanic". > Jane: So, now the picnic? > Brandon: Of course, Madam Lane. > Jane: Oh shut up with the country accent. Crow: Cletus, the slack-jawed Backstreet Boy. > Brandon: Ready? > Jane: Yeah. Tom: [Rain Man] Yeah. Definitely ready to go on our picnic with Charley Babbit. Yeah. Crow: Jane Man? Tom: [after a pause] Shut up. > ================================================================ > Scene 5: Show Evan in his cell. With Knife, and Brad. Mike: Knife and Brad must be newlyweds. Can't bear to be apart. > ================================================================ > Brad: Hey. > Evan: Look, just leave me alone. Crow: [Brad] Hey, don't blame us the author keeps comin' back here. > Knife: Ya know we've been hearing rumors that you might get off for > parole. > Evan: Yeah, right. > Brad: Nah they said possibly. Tommorow. > Evan: Mmmm hmm. Sure sure. Mike: Evan has learned how well bullies respond to patronizing condescension! > Knife: And that means we get to have one more day of fun. Tom: [Knife] Thinkin' first a movie, a picnic, the carnival, then maybe a hotel. > Brad: Come on, little boy. > Evan: Hey, leave me alone! > Knife: Nope sorry. (He picks up Evan, and throws him against the wall.) Mike: [Knife] We want to play handball with you. LITERALLY! > Evan: OW! > Brad: Hmm. I believe the last thing you did was kick that girl. Crow: Marlo Thomas? > (Starts > kicking him) How do you like it? HUH!? Mike: [Evan] Eh. Compared to that Johnny Cash concert they made us sit through... Tom: Who are criminals to judge other people's sex crimes? These guys'd probably dry hump endangered sea turtles. > Evan: Ow! Stop it, please. (Starts to cry.) > Knife: Oh the little boys crying. Crow: [Orbison] o/~ O-ver you! CRY-Y-Y-Y-ING! o/~ Mike: Truly this is a beating three years in the making! > (Drags him to the toilet, and dunks his > head in.) Wash yer face, cry baby. Tom: [Evan] Could you pass my Neutrogena? > Evan: Oh, please, somebody HELP! > Guard: Hey, YOU TWO ,CUT IT OUT!! Mike: [guard] You Arthur Anderson accountants are just totally out of control! > Knife: Why, he deserves it. > Guard: STOP! OR I WELL TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES!! > Brad: Oh, fine! [All cackle in hysterics. Crow shakes his head.] > Evan: Thanks. Tom: See kids? The system does work, when guards, bitches and their pimps learn to live together in mutual respect! Mike: This is the goofiest day care center I've ever seen. > (Midnight. Evan squints to write in his diary.) > Dear Diary April 6, 2002 > Well diary. Rumor has it I'll be free tommorow. On parole that is. Crow: Foghorn Leghorn! Mike: [Brandon] Kinda weird, seein' how I never met the parole board, or accepted responsibility for my crime. > I > suffered, a bad beating by those two guys. I really want to talk to Jane, > say I'm sorry, but I know that's not enough. Tom: He may have to buy her a pair of those edible panties. > I took something from her. I > was like--well you know--the little boy that wants a toy, but can't have > it, so he steals it. Crow: [Brandon] This was like that, but with violent sex and facial scarring. > Kinda like me. I wanted to go out with her. She said > "No" and I raped her. Mike: So in a way, it was kinda her fault, when you think about it. > But also call me crazy, but it seemed something > enetered me after she rejected me. It was like a force controlling me to > do this. Yeah I know it sounds crazy. I wonder what she's doing now?..... Tom: This whole thing's like a bad TV movie based on that Mighty Mighty Bosstones song. Crow: o/~ I NE-ver, had to, knock on wood! o/~ > ================================================================ > Scene 6: Show Brandon, and Jane at a hotel. > ================================================================ > Jane: I'm tired. > Brandon: That was fun. Crow: [Brandon] The way the scene changed, and you said you were tired and all. > Jane: What the carnival, or the picnic? > Brandon: Both. > Jane: Hmm. Mike: Hm. Tom: Mm. Crow: Um. Mike: Agh. Tom: Ergh. Crow: Eep. Mike: Op. Tom: Ork. Crow: Ah-ah. > Brandon: Hey umm listen. Tom: I can't pay for the room. Got any cash? > We've been dating for three years. Do you think > you're ready? Mike: To see other people? Sure! > Jane: To do it? Crow: The Clam? Mike: The Hustle? Tom: The Cool Jerk? > Brandon: Yes. > Jane: Do you have protection? > Brandon: Of course. Tom: Even so, you can always use more life insurance, Brandon. I can call you Brandon, can't I, Brandon? > Jane: O.K > Brandon: Let me go get ready. Crow: Oh, yeah, no need to start the scene just yet, we can mosey around for another 20 pages or so. > Jane: Uh huh. Umm, Brandon? > Brandon: Yeah? Mike: [Jane] Who are you, exactly? Never really found out. > Jane: I, uh, umm, er, uh.. > Brandon: Is anything wrong? Tom: [Jane] It's just... ever since the store stopped carrying "Wavy Gravy" I can't stop thinking I should've bought more "Wavy Gravy"! > Jane: I wasn't a virgin before the rape. Crow: And the thought that anyone would care is making me very, very ill. > I know I should have told you > some time ago. > Brandon: That's O.K. At least you were honest. Mike: [Brandon] Sure you're a slut, but you're an HONEST slut! > Jane: Thanks. > (Brandon goes into the bathroom to get ready. Tom: ZZZZZZZP! [Brandon] Ready! > Jane turns on the T.V) Crow: [Jane] Wonder if I can watch "Blind Date" while he does his wimpy sex squirm thing. > SSW Announcer: On the next "Sick Sad World", porn stars who do the Foo Foo > Nasty. With animals. Mike: [announcer] We run out of ideas, next! On Sick Sad World! > Jane: (Turns off the T.V) I'm going to be sick. Tom: Mm. Her Ren Hork impression needs a little work. > Brandon: Huh? Why? > Jane: Oh I found something repulsive on T.V. Crow: Well Judge Judy isn't on every channel, sweetie. Try Game Show Network! > Brandon: O.K so you ready? (He's standing there wearing boxers only, Jane > is still dressed.) Mike: Hey, I was born ready while you stand there wearing boxers only and I'm still dressed! > Jane: Yeah. (They stare at each other for a moment. Brandon leans foward > to kiss her. Crow: Uh-oh. I sense a "WB" moment in the making here. > They kiss gently at first, but then in more passion. She > removes her shirt, Tom: Brandon is immediately shamed by her superior ab definition. > revealing her black bra. Brandon leans her down on the > bed, then moves slowly to her neck and sucks it gently. Mike: Mmmm... art necks. > Jane looks at him. > His hair in cute little dyed plantinum blonde spikes, along with a few > sets of brown spikes. Tom: Bart Simpson, doin' the nasty! Mike: [to Tom] STOP! OR I WELL TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES!! Tom: [pouty] Oh, fine! > His baby blue eyes, his cute face. Then he also has > a well built body. Crow: [appreciating] Mm, solid aluminum chassis. > In fact Jane thinks, "More built than Jess." Mike: He's added an extension to his garage, and put in a sunroom! Crow: [shuddering] Ugh. Please don't say "extension". Mike: Ew. Sorry. > He worked > his way down to her bra, and unhooked the clasp in the front. He slipped > it off with his teeth, Tom: Using his opposable bicuspids. > and dropped it on the floor. He then licked her > right breast. Crow: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Breast? Mike: The world may never know. > She gave out a small wimper. He then removes her pants, and > underwear, and let his fingers explore her cunt. Crow: Her what? Tom: The female pudenda. Crow: Oh! > She gives out more > whimpers of pleasure, and a few moans. He removes his boxers. Then he > grabs his cock, All: [alarmed chicken] Bug-GAWK! > and inserts himself into her. Despite being a non-virgin > Jane has to bite her lower lip to keep from screaming in pain. Mike: [a la hypnotist] Repress! Repress! Tom: [same] Your pain is irrelevant! Crow: [same] Your needs do not matter! Mike: [same] Repress! > He looked > at her; the kissed her forehead, nose, lips, and chin. Tom: They each came off in turn, revealing Jane to be a humungous Mrs. Potato Head! > She whimpers; > obviously aroused. He rocked back and forth on her, his cock going in and > out each time. Crow: Damn chicken! Make up your mind, in or out! You're worse than the cat! Mike: "All I Ever Really Needed To Know About Love I Learned From Watching Pornography!" > Jane dug her nails into his back, harder at each thrust. Tom: [Jane] Every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it. Well can you? Feel it, that is? > He > smiles at her, and does it faster. She bites her lower lip harder, Crow: [Jane, sighing] Might as well. I suppose. Yeah. > but the > tears come falling. Brandon looks at her then kisses her.) Tom: Because when tried it without looking, he jammed his lips in a wall socket. > Brandon: Jane. You alright? > Jane: mmm,hmmm. > Brandon: Do you want me to stop? Mike: [Jane] You started? I mean, [stilted] oh god it's so enormous and huge, oh oh. > Jane: No. This feels too good. > (He works to her neck, and starts sucking on it. Crow: [Jane] He didn't catch the sarcasm! Damn! > He rocks back and forth > faster and faster. Tom: He's like that Buccaneer ship ride at Great Adventure. Mike: They both make me sick, but for different reasons. > She gives out a few moans of pleasure. She finally > reaches her orgasm. Crow: She finally understood what that "Herbal Essence" woman was so happy about. > She claws at his back, and gives out a low moan. They > collaspe in each others arms.) > Brandon: How was it? > Jane: Great. Tom: [Jane] I guess. Feeling empty and used is a good thing, right? > (They hear a knock at the door.) Mike: [from door] Watchtower! Can we watch? > Brandon: Oh geez. Just a minute! (Show outside the door; we see Daria and > Trent.) Tom: [Trent] Man, I hope they're here. This is the one millionth door we've randomly knocked on. > Daria: Sounds like Jane was listening to porno tape. > Trent: Nah. Not her style. Crow: Um, guys? Can you think of any other possible source of these noises? Mike: Considering you're at a hotel room where your friends are capping off a date? > (The door opens. We see Brandon in just his > boxers. His hair is mussed, and he has scratch marks all over his chest > and back. Crow: What, he did a runway twirl? Help me out here. > Daria and Trent's eyes go wide.) Tom: His boxers have little Power Puff Girls on them! > Daria: Jesus Christ. Were you just mauled by an animal? Mike: [Daria] And if so, can we sell the videotape to Fox? > Jane: Oh, Shut up! > Trent: Janey? > Jane: Yes. What do you want? > Daria: Here, we were told to give you this note. Crow: It's from Chris Walken. Think he's still flying around the lobby somewhere. > Jane: You interrupted our fun for this? > Trent: The question is. Were you doing it, or killing him? > Jane: Ha ha! Trent. Tom: [Jane] You know the plan was to wait for the wedding night. > Gimme that! (She snatches away the note; then reads > it.) Mike: [Jane] It's the room next door. They want us to do it closer to the near wall. > Dear Jane, > Meet me at the Lawndale cafe tommorow Crow: Tom Morrow, Rob's table-bussing cousin. > at 8 am. I can't tell you who I am > just now. Tom: But it rhymes with "wore baypist". > I well be wearing a white T-shirt, and khakis, and sitting at > table three. Bring somebody with you. Mike: Preferably someone bland, and ineffectual. > Jane: Umm, sure. [All giggle.] Crow: [Jane, at note] I said "Sure", you stupid note! Now get lost! > Brandon: Well, are you going to? > Jane: I suppose. Tom: The fanfic that half-heartedly, sort of, agrees to kind of allow there to be some nature of plottish-type thing going on. > Trent: Well, see ya, Janey; don't forget to trim those nails. > Jane: URUGH!! (She throws a pillow at Trent. It hits him upside the head.) > Tom: It's a feather pillow. Daria asks Trent, "Why so down in the mouth?" [Crow and Mike groan.] Crow: You need help, Servo. > Brandon: Should we get back to bed? > Jane: Yeah. Mike: Jane better get her agent on the phone. Her last four lines have been "Yeah", "I suppose", "URUGH!" and "Um, sure." > (They crawl back in bed together. Jane snuggles close to Brandon, buries > her face in his chest, Crow: She's the Bizarro world version of an alien facehugger baby. Tom: [Jane] I was knee-deep in BS and I loved it! > and falls asleep. Brandon looks at her smiles, > strokes her hair, and falls asleep.) Tom: Man, the whole Jane-Brandon relationship is just too intense for me. Mike: Yeah, the scenes with the fey sexual predator really suffer by comparison. > ================================================================ > Scene 7: A dream sequence. Show Jane with Brandon. > ================================================================ > Brandon: Jane, you're a fucking bitch. Crow: Brandon wakes up. "Wow, I had the best dream last night!" > Jane: What? > Brandon: You heard me. You're a no good bitch Tom: You're a lover, you're a child, Tina Yothers! > with a fucking cunt Crow: Is that like a "drinking hand"? Mike: Hey. Don't make me say, "STOP! OR I WELL TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES!!" at you. Crow: Oh. Fine. > who > wants damn prick in you! Mike: Yes, everyone wants Dampric in them! Tom: Dampric! The tiny purple pill that helps you sleep like a cute little basket of puppies! Crow: In a case study, 40% of patients turned into an actual basket of puppies. If symptoms persist, see your doctor or vet. > Jane: Hell, no! > Brandon: (He turns into Evan) > Evan: Come on, little girl, let's have some fun. Mike: Let's try to guess which of the "Fear Factor" contestants have silicone implants! > (He grabs Jane, who kicks > him away. She starts running as fast as she can. Evan is close behind. Tom: It's Evan and Jane, Jane and Evan neck and neck, to the wire, and the winner is!... Beetlebaum?! > He > tackles her to the ground, but some how she manages to escape. She runs > into a chain link fence.) Crow: See, the problem with text-based chase scenes is, there's no appropriate chase music in the background. Tom: Hm, how about... o/~ Crap!crap!crap! CRAP!CRAP!CRAP! o/~ Crow: There ya go! > Jane: (Shaking, and clawing the fence.) SOMEBODY HELP! PLEASE! OH, GOD, > SOMEBODY HELP! (Evan corners her. She drops down and cowers with fear, and > starts to cry.) > Evan: Jane, Jane, Jane... Crow: The second verse of the "Crap Crap Crap" song! Mike: [Evan] My new meditation mantra is very similar to your name, isn't it? > Brandon: Jane, JANE! Tom: Jane LANE, loser. > Jane: Ack! Mike: [giggling] Was she channeling Bill the Cat? What? > (Starts to cry.) > Brandon: Jane, what's wrong? > Jane: I had a bad dream. Crow: [Jane] I forgot how to climb a chain link fence. > Brandon: About Evan? > Jane: Yeah. Only in this one it started out as you, and you turned into > Evan. > Brandon: Jane, I wouldn't hurt you. Mike: That is SUCH BS, man. Crow: [admiringly] I know. Isn't he considerate? > Jane: I know. Umm, what time is it? > Brandon: 7:30. Guess we better get ready. > Jane: Yeah. Tom: "What time is it?" and "Yeah." Boy, they're taxing the limits of Wendy Hoopes's emotional range here. > (Brandon puts on a shirt, and a pair of jeans. We see Jane putting on her > bra, and panties under the covers. Crow: So technically, we DON'T see her putting on her bra and panties. > She then gets a black shirt, and jeans > and puts those on. She then brushes her hair a little.) > Brandon: Ready? > Jane: Yeah. Mike: Jane Lane can say more with one syllable than most folks say in a novel. > ================================================================ > Scene 8: Show Jane, and Brandon in the cafe. We see Evan at table 3. He > has on a cap, and pair of shades on. Tom: And a fluorescent orange jacket saying "Fulsom County Prison". > ================================================================ > Jane: Well that's table 3. Might as well get this over with. Mike: [sighing] Could we maybe get one character who at least pretended to be interested in the plot? Crow: Man, what if Poe wrote like this? "It was like, I dunno. The beating of the old man's heart? Whatever." > (They walk over to the table) > Jane: O.K Mister. . . Tom: Radiohead's humanistic follow-up album. > Evan: Jane, it's me. (He removes his cap, and sunglasses) > Jane: Oh, my God! Crow: [Jane] Jeff Probst! Mike: [Evan] No. Crow: [Jane] Koffi Anan? Mike: [Evan] No! Think! Crow: [Jane] Uhh... Mickey Dolenz from The Monkees? Help me out here. > You're supposed to be locked up. What the hell are you > doing here? Oh, wait, never mind; you are probaly here to rape me? Tom: [Evan] Talk about rape? Did you see what they charge for waffles in this place? Mike: How many rapes take place during the breakfast rush? > Evan: No Jane I'm not. I got out on parole. Jane I... how do I say this? Crow: [Evan] Is it "jy-ro" or "hee-ro"? > Look I realized I hurt you. I violated you, and I know you probaly have > visions of killing me, Tom: [Jane] Not visions. But I did write this epic poem I call "Evanslash". > but Jane, if you could, find the heart to forgive > me, please? Mike: [sighing, hanging his head] This is so wrong-headed it's a foot. > Jane: (She looks stunned.) Evan I don't know what to say. Crow: [Jane] So I'll just stab you in the thigh with this salad fork. > I mean you > treated me like I was an object you could just screw when ever you want. Tom: [Brandon] What, you're not? Mike: [Jane] Brandon, shut up and do the maze on the kid's menu. Tom: [Brandon] Oh. OK. > I > don't know if I can. It's a big step. Crow: So's writing a scene with three characters. You need to take these things slowly. > (Cut to outside. For some reason we see Joanna running at top speed. Mike: She's escaping a screaming horde of F-Lip groupies! Crow: o/~ It's been a hard, day's, Flip! o/~ > She > enters the building gasping for breath, muttering something) Tom: [chuckling] Gasping and muttering? > Jane: What the hell are you doing here? > Joanna: Darkness, darkness.. Crow: -my old friend, I've come to gasp at you again. > Brandon: Jane, she's scaring me. Mike: Yeah, well, so do party clowns, so I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it. > Jane: What is it? > Joanna: Come outside. > (Cut to outside) > Evan: What? Crow: [Joanna] Does this sidewalk look uneven to you? That can't be safe. > Joanna: I just had a vision. My home is being destroyed. > Jane: You came screaming, because your house is being destroyed? Tom: What a wuss! You're worse than that Arthur Dent guy we bulldozed last week! > Joanna: No. I'm not from Earth I'm from the DarkWorld. > (Stunned looks on all. Crow: [sting] Dun dun dun huuuuh? Mike: I don't see why they're stunned. Joanna probably does this every week. Tom: Today she's from Darkworld, yesterday she was a Sailor Scout, last Tuesday she was part of the Sonic continuum... >Fade to black where we see the words "To be > continued in 'Our Alter Egos'".) Mike: Well it's good to have another Eggo around in case someone swipes your first one. > O.K you thought that was weird bizzare? Crow: Well I thought it was boring and slow. That's very nearly "weird bizarre". > Will boys and girls you haven't > seen nothing yet. Tom: "Will boys and girls"- prepubescent estate lawyers. > "Our Alter Egos" is going to be as bizzare as I can get. > (And beleive me, I can get really bizzare.) Mike: Like that time she used Spam as a furniture polish! > The one reason why I did this story is because it sorta teaches the value > of forgiveness. Tom: Well, "teaching" in the sense of raising the subject without exploring the pros and cons of it. >Which as we see Jane doesn't forgive him off-hand. Crow: [author] So I DO understand rape victims! So there! > Well, > seeing as this is a lead on to "Our Alter Egos", I'll stop now. Mike: Liar. > NOTES: Tom: Big icky poopy liar. > (1) Knife and Brad were introduced in "Are You That Guy?" [Mike picks up Tom, the trio rises to leave.] Crow: They were introduced By Evan! Who later gave Knife away at their wedding! Mike: Their wedding song? Tom: o/~ Crap!Crap!Crap! o/~ All: o/~ CRAP!CRAP!CRAP! o/~ Crow: Over with glad again am I. [All leave]. (*)... <2>... !3!... /4\... [5]... =6=... (%) [CUT TO SOL Bridge. The gang is dressed as a teen rock band a la The Archies. Tom is on bass, Mike is on keyboards, Crow is lead guitar, and Gypsy is a backup singer with big hair and earrings.] Mike: [to Cambot] Yeah, there's no way to reaffirm our freedom to do stuff quite like holding a little band practice! Crow: O.K, let's see here. We're going to practice "My Alter Ego: The Pina Colada Song". Tom: Man, that's all we ever practice. Mike: Don't you have any other songs? Crow: Well, no. Gypsy: Ha! I know that look in your eye. Crow: What look? Mike: You got something, don't you? Crow: Yeah it's called "The Crappy Song". Wanna hear it? O.K. [starts to play] o/~ Crap!crap!crap!CRAP!CRAP!CRAP! o/~ The Group: [in reverent awe] Wooooooow! Tom: That is SOOOOOO out there, man! Mike: It's taken me to a brand new place in my heart. A place of quiet, of longing. A place which I call, myself. Crow: Ha! I know that look in your eye. Gypsy: You got something, don't you? Mike: Yeah, it's called "The Stapler-y Song". Wanna hear it O.K.? O.K. [bangs on his keyboard] o/~ Stapler!Stapler!Stapler! STAPLER!STAPLER!STAPLER! o/~ Gypsy: Oo! It's like I'm hearing music for the first time, and comparing it to the other times I heard music for the first time? But found I hadn't heard music for the first time at all. Tom: [anxious] I got something! Mike: Wait- Crow, you see there? Our back-up singer Gypsy? Tom: [desperate for attention] No, me! Mike: She has that look in her eye. Tom: I have an eye too! Crow: You've got something, don't you? Tom: Look at Tom's eyes! Gypsy: Yes? It's called "The George Lazenbee-y Song"? Tom: Just above his nose, maybe! Gypsy: I haven't quite fleshed it out yet... Tom: Look at me, dammit! Gypsy: -but I'm thinking of tunelessly screaming his name six times in a row. Mike: Wooow... that could be our big finale! Crow: Nah, something this big, we save for the encore! Tom: [interrupting] Mike! Mike! Tell me you know that look! Mike: [puzzled] What look? Tom: The look that says I have something. Mike: [considering] Nnnno... no, think I'd remember if I saw you with a look like that. Tom: Well I DO have something, and it's called "The Haddock-y Song"! Wanna hear it? [The group stares at him in stone cold silence. Tom withers under their glares.] Gypsy: Why would we wanna hear something called "The Haddock-y Song"? Mike: Sounds pretty dumb, Servo. Crow: What do you think, our fans are idiots? [Just as Tom is about to burst into tears, we hear a doorbell ring.] Mike: Oap! Someone's at the hexfield. [The hexfield irises open to reveal a greasy looking Euro-guy in leather jacket and dark glasses. He speaks in a bad Schwarzenegger-ese.] Falco: Ah-llo. I ahm former Austrian recording stahr, Falco. I hear your music. I hahv daht look in my eye. Gypsy: [light dreading] Mike? Falco: I got something, don't you. Crow: [heavier dreading] MIIIKE?! Falco: Jah, is called "Zee Amadeus-y Song". Wanna hear? Tom: [in terror] OH, MY, GOD! All: NOOOOOOOOO! [The crew panics, running around the bridge like the prodigal barnyard fowl with their upper extremity severed away. A techno synth beat starts to play, as Falco snaps his fingers, sways and postures in time to the music. He actually doesn't sing, we just hear the recorded chorus.] Chorus: o/~ Amadeus!Amadeus! Amadeus!Amadeus! Amadeus!Amadeus! o/~ [The SOL has knocked over all their instruments. Crow and Gypsy have run into each other and conked themselves cold.] Tom: [panic] Where's the airlock! WHERE THE HELL'S THE AIRLOCK?! Crow: [popping back up] Only death by explosive decompression can cleanse this musical stain from my soul! Mike: [ears covered, desperate] Pearl, send the siren back! For the love of god! [CUT to Castle Forrester. Pearl, in her green Nehru jacket, is clutching the shoulders of Joanna, who is in a similar green Nehru jacket.] Pearl: Ooh, well done, my apprentice! Joanna: I just figured if they were gonna bash my music, only fair to give them a taste of the solid gold 80's. Pearl: Payback, poetic AND painful! I see a very bright future ahead of you! [But Bobo saunters in behind them, happily bellowing:] Bobo: o/~ Amadeus!Amadeus! o/~ [Both Joanna and Pearl wince and cringe, as Bobo puts his grubby paws around both of them.] Bobo: Heh heh! Boy, that's some catchy song, ay Lawgiver? Why, I could sing that song all day long! And through to the next morning too! Hm- wonder where I put my Little River Band CD's? [bellows again] o/~ Amadeus!Amadeus! o/~ [He continues to bellow the song out as he leaves the scene. Pearl glares at Joanna, who shrinks in terror.] Pearl: [threatening] Point it. [Joanna, scared, points her finger.] Pearl: Wet it. [Joanna sucks her finger quickly. Pearl produces a lamp, and removes the shade to offer Jo the empty light socket.] Pearl: Stick it. Joanna: [averting her eyes, dreading] Oooooooooooh... [Without looking, Joanna twirls her finger around, then sticks it in the light socket. Just before she does, CUT to black, and we hear BRZZZZZT!... THUD!] Pearl: [over black] Brain Guy! See what her tongue stud fetches on e-Bay. CREDITS [over credits we hear the techno beat and Bobo tunelessly singing] MYSTERY SCEINCE THEATER 3000 EPISODE NNN202 "THE JANE'S CRISIS TETRALOGY" Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ Amadeus!Amadeus! o/~ a wholesome blend of: "JANE'S CRISIS" "ARE YOU THAT GUY?" "WHAT SHE DESERVED? {PART ONE)" "FORGIVE ME PLEASE" (part of this nutritious breakfast) Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ Reggie Theus!Reggie Theus! O/~ featuring joanna BEEZ MCKEEVER dudes MICHAEL J. NELSON BRAD KEELY WESLEY SNIPES special guest TACO as falco Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ On the dais!On the dais! O/~ writers BRENDAN HERLIHY (head writer) STEVE WEINBERG (contributing irritant) Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ Fried potatoes!Fried potatoes! O/~ dibs list/ws9 maintained by MIKE NEYLON signs of the coming apocalypse DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN THE PLAGIARIST YOUR ATLANTIC DIVISION CHAMPION NEW JERSEY NETS THAT SCOOBY DOO MOVIE BRENDAN T. HERLIHY: FATHER Bobo: o/~ In Barbados!In Barbados! o/~ names we will not give our new child HIRAM HERLIHY HILLARY HERLIHY SHIRLEY HERLIHY Bobo: o/~ I'm contagious!I'm contagious! O/~ This publication is for entertainment use only, and is not meant as a personal attack on The Unknown, Glenn Eichler, Creed, skateboard slacker queens, or Doris Kearns Goodwin; nor is it meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, Sci Fi Channel, the Unknown, MTV, MTV2, VH26 or any other network that owns the rights to "Daria" and doesn't air it. I totally meant to attack that "Scooby Doo" movie, though. Eat it, Scooby Doo movie. Bobo: o/~ Alligators!Alligators! O/~ e-mail PINKBOYBUFFET@HOTMAIL.COM visit the lifeless, never updated pink boy buffet PINK_BOY.TRIPOD.COM Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ On Uranus!On Uranus! o/~ special thanks to BILL LIVINGSTON - the funniest man in the world JOE NEBUS - the funniest man in the world JEN WHITE - the funniest man in the world and MATT "MATTHEW" BLACKWELL - good speller Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ Oh! Oh! Oh! Fried potatoes! o/~ executive producer BRENDAN HERLIHY Bobo: [o.s., rapped] Made some rockin' fried potatoes! < < < B-R-R-R-ANG! > > > ------------------------------------------------------------ > Joanna: Wanna hear it? O.K. (picks up guitar. > Starts to play.) Crap!crap!crap!CRAP!CRAP!CRAP! ------------------------------------------------------------ Copyright 2002 Brendan Herlihy