[ OPENING ] [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ INT SOL. Camera pans over to Hex Field View Screen, where GYPSY, CROW, and TOM SERVO are looking outside the open window. Stars and a moderately heavy snowfall are visible. MIKE walks in from the right. ] MIKE: Ah, hi, everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. These are my beloved robot friends, Gypsy... GYPSY: [ Cheerily ] Hi there! MIKE: Crow... CROW: [ Also happy ] Greetings! MIKE: And Tom Servo. TOM: Cheerio! MIKE: [ Motioning outside ] Would you look at that? This morning when we got up, not a flake on the ground, then just after breakfast it started coming down harder and harder. CROW: It's been real cool! MIKE: [ Walking back towards the desk ] More than that. We're still waiting for the official word, but the rumor is the Superintendent is going to make this a half day, that they're calling the buses back, getting the drivers out of the bars, notifying the parents... [ SOUND: Annoying high-pitched electronic BEEP. MIKE tries talking for a few seconds, then gives up and waits it out. ] MIKE: Anyway, it's... MAGIC VOICE: Attention. Attention please. [ MIKE rolls his eyes ] The Superintendent and school board have decided we will be closing after a half day today. We will continue the rest of the day on the half day schedule. That is all. TOM: Yaaay! CROW: Yipee! GYPSY: Huzzah! MIKE: Continuing, so we were... [ SOUND: Annoying high-pitched electronic BEEP. Lasts as long as before. ] MIKE: So we were going to have... MAGIC: Attention. Will the following students please report to the attendance office: Richard Searfoss, Scott Altman, Kathryn Hire, Richard Linnehan... [ MIKE sighs and walks back and forth. ] MAGIC: [ Continuing ] Dafydd Rhys Williams, Jay C. Buckley, James Pawelczyk, Charles Precourt, Dominic Gorie. That is all. MIKE: Fine. So, then... MAGIC: [ Interrupting ] Attention. Also Wendy Laurence, Franklin Chang-Diaz, Janet Kavandi, Andrew Thomas. That is all. CROW: Boy, those Mercury 7 punks get the whole gang in trouble. MIKE: Whatever. Moving on... MAGIC: Attention. Will the owner of a black Grand Marquis, licence plate DLR 81A, please move your vehicle? You are blocking the bus lane. That is all. MIKE: We don't have a bus lane, Magic Voice. MAGIC: Don't make me call you to the Vice Principal's office, Mike. [ MADS SIGN starts flashing ] MIKE: Oh, great, speaking of whom... [ MIKE taps MADS SIGN ] [ INT GALACTIC STUCKEYS. OBSERVER and PEARL FORRESTER are standing between tables stacked with cheap memorabelia and junk food displays, in front of a faded, mustard-yellow wall. ] PEARL: Nelsonic the hedgehog, hello. We're just stopping off here for some pop and souvenirs, what's your excuse? Oh, that's right, Brain Guy has your ship trapped in our control! OBSERVER: [ Nodding ] Yes, now, would you care for a Mello Yellow or a Tab cola? BOBO: [ Walking in, holding some bumper stickers, giggling ] Hee hee! Lawgiver, Brain Guy, did you see these? "Have You Dug Wall Drug?" Ha-ha! OBSERVER: Yes, Bobo, we saw them. We got the joke the last fifteen thousand times you inflicted that on us. BOBO: [ Annoyed ] Fine. Okay. [ Noticing the table ] Ooh! Lawgiver, look! PEARL: [ Uninterested ] What? BOBO: [ Grabbing some candies ] Boo Boo Globules! I *love* these! [ Unwraps the chocolate lump candy, gives it to PEARL ] Here, taste! PEARL: It looks like a Snickers pot pie. OBSERVER: You shouldn't eat those, we haven't bought them yet. PEARL: Hey. [ Slaps OBSERVER lightly ] Brain guy, we'll pay at the register. [ Bites into the Globule; chews. Mouth starts getting stuck. ] BOBO: Delightful, mmm? PEARL: [ Before mouth closes up entirely ] What is *IN* this thing? BOBO: Oh, a little marshmallow, a little sugar, a little corn syrup, some molasses, some sourghum, a bit of honey -- actually a *lot* of honey... [ PEARL motions frantically at her mouth. ] OBSERVER: Oh, now you've done it, you insufferable slob. Tell me, do you think you could possibly locate yet *another* item in this gargantuan nightmare of minor league commerce to inflict on us? Anything at all? Is that within the limits of your addled mind? [ PEARL takes to glaring silently at BOBO. ] BOBO: [ Angrily ] Yes, Brain Guy, it is. [ Grabs a kazoo from the table. ] Here. Enjoy a kazoo. [ Jabs it tightly into OBSERVER's brain; he winces in pain. ] OBSERVER: [ Speaking as if through a kazoo ] Aaaugh! BOBO: [ Unwraps another Globule and chews on it, sealing up his own mouth. He chews happily until he notices PEARL and his mouth. ] BOBO: [ Muffled ] Uh-oh. OBSERVER: [ Speaking as if through kazoo ] Well, now she's quite mad. [ PEARL glares at OBSERVER, then at the camera. ] OBSERVER: [ Still as before ] Oh, yes, and she's going to take it out on you, Nelson. [ SOL. MIKE, TOM, and CROW are at the desk, protesting. ] MIKE: But we didn't do anything! CROW: Yeah, why make us suffer for Bobo? TOM: Blame him! [ STUCKEYS. As before ] [ PEARL grins and nods evilly at OBSERVER. ] OBSERVER: [ Kazoo ] No, no, she's just going to do evil things to you. In this case, a fanfic retrieved in the late 1980s from a Commodore bulletin board service named...QLink...weird. Can't imagine anything ever became of that company. [ PEARL slaps OBSERVER, and rolls hand in 'hurry up' signal. ] OBSERVER: [ Kazoo ] Right. Nelson, do you like the comic strip "Peanuts?" [ SOL. As before ] MIKE: Love it. What's going on? [ STUCKEYS. As before. ] OBSERVER: [ Kazoo ] Fine. Today's story is a crossover between "Peanuts" and ... and "Doctor Who?" Lawgiver, am I reading your evil scheme correctly? [ PEARL nods proudly ] OBSERVER: [ Shudders ] Good luck. [ PEARL slaps OBSERVER. ] Sorry. BOBO: [ Mutters something sheepishly ] [ PEARL starts slapping BOBO. ] [ SOL. MIKE, TOM, and CROW are staring out the snowy window. ] MIKE: It never looked so ominous before. TOM: As though each flake were a ten-ton weight upon our souls. CROW: I still want to make igloos. MIKE: But you forgot the eggshells... [ MOVIE SIGN flashes ] ALL: AAAUGH! WE GOT MOVIE SIGN... [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ ALL file in ] > THAT'S JUST PEANUTS TO SPACE MIKE: [ As Edith-Ann ] An' that's a fact. Pthhhb. > > by R.J. Hall CROW: I'll take what's behind door number two. > > > Tom Baker drove the car down the unfamiliar streets with a > sigh. TOM: Triple A says you shouldn't pick up hitchhiking sighs. > It was bad enough being here in America doing terrible > American shows and being unable to show his face in respectable > public, MIKE: Tom Baker would be mobbed in normal life, but have no problem at a science fiction convention? > and it was bad enough being invited to some rinky-dink TOM: Rinky-Dink! The hot new board game. For ages four and up. > Doctor Who convention in America with a crowd of about 666 poor > people, and it was bad enough being in sufficiently dire straits to > accept the invitation. But, to top all that off, CROW: His cat was filing for divorce. > he had to drive > this rented cheapo car around some American town trying to FIND this > convention. He would almost certainly be late as it was. TOM: At least that's what he'll *claim* when they ask why he never showed up. > Once he got there, at least he'd be surrounded by hundreds of > adoring fans worshiping at his feet. MIKE: Yeah, being covered in glory is a pain, isn't it? > Americans were like that. > That's what Baker liked best about America. CROW: The ready availablility of fireworks in many states. > That and rich American > producers. Maybe he'd be able to sell lots of copies of his new > children's book of limericks. TOM: His new children are writing books? > But first he had to find the place. These directions he'd been > given were confusing, and having to drive on the wrong side of the > roads didn't make things easier. MIKE: "I'll give them two more miles, then start driving on the top of the road. How am I supposed to see underground anyway?" > He must have made a wrong turn > somewhere. This upper-class neighbourhood TOM: Oh, see, it's the Canadian spelling; they need thirty percent more letters to get the same meaning as the U.S. version. > he was in now, with big > houses and perfectly manicured green lawns, somehow did not strike > him as a place where hundreds of broke scruffy science fiction fans > would be meeting. CROW: He should ask for all the 30 year-olds living in their parents' basements. > He cursed angrily when suddenly the cheapo rented car coughed, MIKE: Ironically, Cheapo Rental Cars cost thirty percent more than the industry standard. > sputtered, and died. Here he was, lost in the badlands of uncharted > America somewhere, with no car. Now he'd have to go up to one of > these houses and make a phone call. TOM: Oh, no! CROW: Never! MIKE: How unthinkable! > If those American fans > worshiped him so bloody much, they should be honoured to personally > pick him up here and drive him to their bloody convention! TOM: So much bloody stuff here. It's like an ER fanfic. MIKE: Will all great Neptune's oceans wash this fanfic from our lives? > He got out of his car and walked to the nearest house. CROW: Hey, he can't leave yet. He hasn't opened up the hood to look and see that the engine's still there. TOM: Yeah, he should know that sort of routine troubleshooting. > > "Sorry, Peggy, that's all for today," Snoopy thought as he > stopped twirling around on top of his doghouse and lay down to rest. MIKE: Horribly, that's not even one of the 25 worst non sequiturs we've seen this year. > That Peggy Fleming, always coming around to him for skating lessons! > Kind of touching, how much she adored and admired him. CROW: You know how they say a picture's worth a thousand words? MIKE: Yeah. CROW: Why do some people think they can use a thousand words to replace a picture? > But she > would just have to learn that he was a busy beagle, and he couldn't > afford to spend 24 hours a day with her. > He went down to the ground and entered his house. MIKE: Oh, so, here, we're going to get to see the author's vision of the interior of Snoopy's house, something we can only imagine from the astonishing descriptions suggested in the strip? TOM: No. > He rummaged > around a bit, then came out wearing a starched flying scarf and > goggles. "Duty calls," he thought to himself as he climbed back on > top of his house. CROW: On to window-washing practice. > "Here's the World War I flying ace on a mission in his Sopwith > Camel," he thought, holding his paws out, as if flying a plane. MIKE: That explanation provided for the three people who've never seen Snoopy doing this. > He > looked with mild interest as he saw an old, broken-down car pull up > to the curb about 42 feet away. TOM: On a second glance he noticed it was exactly 41 feet, ten inches, four grys, three hogsheads, eight ounces, and five grains from him. > "Suddenly he sees an enemy agent > lurking about on the ground!" Sure enough, a man got out of the car > and started walking toward the round-headed kid's house. CROW: Oh, no, a leading cheese importer is visiting Charlie Brown! > "The agent > is attempting to return to his home base! For the sake of the > allies, I must stop him!" > With a growl, TOM: And a bustle. > Snoopy leaped off the house and ran (on his hind > legs) toward the stranger, who paid him no mind. MIKE: Sure it wasn't little heed? CROW: No, it was really short shrift. > "The agent is > trying to act nonchalantly, but cannot conceal a look of fear from > his face as he spots the famous flying ace!" CROW: If only Snoopy remembered the guns on his Sopwith Camel, we could be out of here... > Snoopy was about to (attempt to) tackle the person, but > suddenly stopped short. TOM: Somebody took his shrift. > He looked with strange apprehension and > fear at the stranger's face. Was he the veterinarian? No, but he > sure looked familiar, CROW: It's Martin Mull! > and Snoopy did not know why he was so afraid > of him. He slunk back toward his doghouse. MIKE: That Thompson, always getting in one scrape after another... > > Baker waited tensely at the door for a few minutes. Surely > somebody was at home? TOM: Yes, every house is always occupied, every hour of every day. > He rang the bell again. > A young child, about 9 years old, answered the door. MIKE: The door was asking questions Baker couldn't answer again. > Good, I > get along so well with children, thought Baker to himself. CROW: And not at all thinking to the audience. > This > child was rather unusual. His head was perfectly round and almost > bald, and must have massed at least as much as the rest of his body. MIKE: Also, he was a world-famous, instantly recognizable cartoon character. > A hydrocephalic, Baker thought compassionately. Well, I get along > well with handicapped children too. He must have a terrible time > holding that head up with such a small neck! TOM: That must be why he carried his head around in a little tray. MIKE: Hey... > The child did not seem discomfited at all. "Yes?" he said. > "Hello," said Baker. "I was just passing by here when my auto > broke down. I wonder whether I might use your telephone for a > moment, hmmm?" CROW: "I know The Phrase that Pays for the Morning Zoo's call-in contest today." > He put on one of his grins and opened his > wild-looking eyes in a way which never failed to charm children. MIKE: Or get the kid to scream someone's trying to kidnap him. > "Sure, right this way," said the kid, who didn't seem to have > noticed Baker's expression. Well, he probably never even heard of > Doctor Who. > He followed the child to another room. TOM: "And here you see our 'another' room," so called because it's not the first room. > The phone was being > used by a woman, probably the child's mother. She looked completely > ordinary, CROW: Ah, what an innovative technique to describe the adults in the "Peanuts" continuity. > but her voice did not sound human. It sounded instead > like a muted trumpet. TOM: Ooh, you know it's wacky when they mention stylistic decisions! > "Wope wop woe wah wow?" she said into the > phone. > "My mother is using the phone right now," said the child. CROW: I heard that rumor somewhere. > "You > can use it in a few minutes. I may as well feed the dog now. I'm > Charlie Brown." TOM: Do you like beans? Light bulbs provide light. Blue is a color. > "Tom Baker," said Baker, following the child into the kitchen. > Now that he'd seen both the unusual kid and the unusual mother, he > was MIKE: Remembering having encountered the kid's appearance 87,000 times in his life already? > slightly curious to see how unusual this dog was. > Charlie Brown got out a can of dog food, opened it, and dumped > the contents into a plastic bowl. CROW: The madcap action never ceases, does it? TOM: Or, well, starts. > Then he opened the kitchen door > and called, "Snoopy! Suppertime!" > Sure enough, the dog was also peculiar. He was white with > black markings, CROW: No! MIKE: On a dog? Never! > had a big, furry, "banana-nose", and strode into the > house on his hind legs. His forepaws, which seemed prehensile, held > small metal gadgets Baker could not identify. TOM: It's just jumping jacks. > He stared strangely > at Baker, with an expression resembling hatred. > "What breed of dog is that?" Baker asked nervously. > "Snoopy's a beagle. B-E-A-G-L-E," replied Charlie Brown. TOM: That spelling bee movie came out...in about 1969, was it? MIKE: "A Boy Named Charlie Brown." Yup. TOM: So...references to its punch line are just a wee bit exhausted, right? MIKE: Yeah. > "I, uh, see," said Baker. Snoopy ate the entire contents of > his supper dish with a single gulp, then turned around and walked > back out, not even acknowledging his master's existence. MIKE: Aw. I wanted the Suppertime Dance. CROW: Not from this writer you didn't. > "He's so independent," Charlie Brown said sadly. "No gratitude > or anything." TOM: I want him under my tight psychological control! > Snoopy manipulated one of his gadgets. Suddenly Baker, not > under his own volition, CROW: [ As Baker ] Hey! You bring my volition right back here! > walked out of the door behind the dog. "Hey > mister, where are you going?" called out Charlie Brown. When Baker > did not answer, he merely shrugged and closed the door. TOM: So this is what it takes to make "High School Big Shot" look upbeat. > Baker was terrified. This dog had somehow hypnotized him or > something, and was somehow forcing him to march toward some > intangible evil. CROW: If this turns into a dirty story about Miss Othmar I'm going to be sick. > From ancient habit, he looked around for a camera > to stare worriedly into for a few seconds. MIKE: And somebody throws a pie in his face. > > "No sign of him," Roger Wilco, the organizer of the convention, CROW: Roger Wilco. TOM: Okay, somebody slap this story. > said worriedly. "He should have been here half an hour ago!" MIKE: You figure the folks who play Dr. Who get teased that they shouldn't ever be late, they have a time machine? > Lis Sladen, who along with Ian Marter had also been persuaded > to come here (at such paltry fees that they thought of this as a > charity), TOM: Only seven hundred dollars a sentence. > encouraged him a little. "I'm sure he'll be here very > soon. Tom probably just got lost somewhere." CROW: Maybe out in the middle of nowhere. > Wilco was looking at her with a peculiar mix of emotions: > embarrassment, MIKE: Humiliation > gratitude, MIKE: Languidity... > disbelief, MIKE: Peanut butter. > awe, TOM: I'll take it. Gerbils... > worship, and TOM: Pinochle. > attraction. TOM: And finally, watchbands. > Sladen always got a big kick over the attitudes of the American > fans. CROW: And a shock over the suggestions they offered. > They put the Who stars on incredibly high pedastals, and > always had to nerve themselves to dare to even look at or speak to > one. They were always so pleasingly grateful whenever she or Jon or > Tom or anybody even said the slightest thing to them. MIKE: "You're standing on my foot." > The American > attitude was, "Oh thank you, supreme perfect being, for deigning to > look upon such minor insignificant scum as I! Your every syllable > shall be treasured for all eternity! TOM: Captured the American voice even better than Mark Twain did. > Simply being in a conversation > with such a god/goddess as yourself so completely overwhelms me that > I am on the verge of fainting from sheer ecstacy!" CROW: No, wait, it's just lack of oxygen! Keep forgetting to breathe...I feel so goofy. > Whereas, by > contrast, the British attitude was more like "Hey you, there, hurry > up and get over here and give me your autograph! I haven't got all > day!" Yes, she liked American conventions! CROW: Also string is cool too! > "I hope so," Wilco said finally, "that crowd is getting > restless." MIKE: Or the wrestler is getting crowdless. Whichever. > > Linus Van Pelt went over to the doghouse. Snoopy was not to be > seen. Oh well, he wouldn't mind it if Linus just entered his > doghouse for a brief moment, would he? Of course not. TOM: It's just a little illegal tresspass. > Linus got down on his hands and knees and crawled through the > little opening into the doghouse. There was a lot of space inside. > Murals, paintings, pool tables, chairs, boxes, CROW: Guys named "Pete." > stairways, and all > sorts of things cluttered the area. MIKE: You know. Stuff. > Undaunted, Linus went down the > stairs. When he reached the room at the bottom of the steps, he > began searching through all the junk. TOM: Now I know I left some daunts here last summer. > Hundreds of books were here, > as well as all of Snoopy's unreturned bottles. That postage meter > had to be down here somewhere! Linus was out of stamps. MIKE: Whew. So this guy is following up on plot points Schulz hasn't touched since the 1960s, is that it? CROW: I can only guess, Mike. > > Snoopy entered the doghouse, and Baker, crawling on hands and > knees, soon followed. CROW: "I'm glad to have you down here...not many people are interested in my potato pancake collection." > Snoopy fiddled with one of his devices, and > Baker responded by sitting down on the floor and remaining > motionless. TOM: And now, Mister Baker, if you won't dance, I'll *make* you dance! > Then Snoopy activated his other little device, and a > computer-synthesized voice filled the air. CROW: With jelly. > "I am surprised, Doctor, MIKE: By this swelling in my neck. > that such a primitive control device > as this worked on you. How easy it was to entrap you! I am > surprised and disappointed!" CROW: Get out of here! Go out and let me catch you again. And wriggle more this time. > HE was surprised?! Baker had never been more surprised in his > life! "I... I am not the Doctor! TOM: But I am Spock! Does that count for anything? > I just look like him! I... > portrayed him in a TV series! That's all! I am not the Doctor!" MIKE: Oh, and I like the Professor most on Gilligan's Island, but that doesn't mean anything! Lots of people do! > "Oh, come now, Doctor," said the device, which apparently was > voicing Snoopy's thoughts. CROW: Or maybe picking up a "Swat Kats" cartoon. > "You can do better than that. Yet, you > have always played the fool, haven't you? TOM: I played the fool and the fool won. > Well, you must know me > better than to think that I can be fooled by your ridiculous ploys!" ALL: [ Groan ] MIKE: So why is it, whenever reality and the fiction cross over, neither *ever* understands it? Have the last 30 years of Star Trek fanfics taught us nothing? > "Actually, I don't know you at all! I've never seen any > creature remotely like you in my life! And as far as I can remember > from the show, neither has the real Doctor! MIKE: "I've lived in a complete cultural vacuum ever since 1949!" > Well, there isn't > really a real Doctor, he's just a fictional character, but, well, > you know what I mean!" TOM: "I just want you to hug me, is that too much to ask?" > "Stop babbling, Doctor! Of course you know who I am! I look > different now, CROW: I've got more noses than I used to. > but obviously you knew who I was -- otherwise, you > would not have come here to capture me!" TOM: Or something! > "Look here, eh, Snoopy, I haven't the slightest idea who you > are, nor the slightest intention of capturing you! MIKE: Though if I could get a giant plush doll of you, I'd appreciate it. > My name is Tom > Baker, and I'm here because my car broke down outside!" > Snoopy sighed. "Listen, Doctor, even a human would know who I > am! CROW: Where I come from. TOM: If I have room for Jell-O. > Have you not noticed that this doghouse is bigger on the inside > than on the outside?" TOM: It's just an illusion, though, caused by the fact the doghouse is inside-out! > Baker fought insanity. MIKE: Join the club. > "A... a TARDIS?" he said at last. > "Of course it's a TARDIS! What else could it possibly be?" CROW: An ice cream cookie? MIKE: A famous living American male? TOM: Roadside America in Shartlesville, Pennsylvania? > snapped Snoopy. "So, what does that make me, eh?" > It must have been those weird Hollywood drugs. "Um, a renegade > Time Lord?" TOM: No thanks; I just had lunch. > "Very good! Very good!" sneered Snoopy. "Now, WHICH renegade > Time Lord?" MIKE: Isaac Asimov! TOM: Warren G. Harding! CROW: Vladimir Zworkin! > Baker paused, too terrified and confused to say > anything. "I'll give you a hint. MIKE: I'm bigger than a breadbox. Barely. > I am not the Doctor. This is > because YOU are the Doctor!" CROW: And YOU over there! You're the eggman! And down there, that guy THERE is the walrus! > "The Master?" said Baker hesitantly. Maybe this was an > elaborate skit staged by the Who conventioners. TOM: Maybe it's just a kidnapping. > "No, of course not the bloody Master!" screamed Snoopy. "You > know very well, Doctor, that I am the great Morbius!" CROW: Oh, pootertoots. If this thing is crossing over to Sonic the Hedgehog... TOM: No, hold it, he said Morbius. With an orb. > Morbius? Did he know that name? MIKE: Something Morbius-like about that name. > It sounded familiar... CROW: Like something a Morbian would be named. > "Oh > yeah, Morbius. MIKE: The guy with the name Morbius. > Wasn't Morbius killed in, uh, I can't remember the > name of the episode, but, uh, wasn't he killed?" TOM: Like death stops *anybody*? > "Doctor!!" screamed "Morbius" in frustration. MIKE: Or, well, in Santa Rosa, California, anyway. > "Very well, I > shall have to tell you what you doubtless already know, you and > those Time Lords who sent you! TOM: And by the way I'm not saying all this so the reader has a hint of what's going on, either! > "Yes, Doctor, my body was executed on the planet Karn. Solon, CROW: And thanks for all the fish. > that hideously treacherous human who claimed to be a loyal follower, > kept my brain in a tank for an intolerable length of time. TOM: It's Backstory Days here at the Satellite of Love! Yes, everybody has a long, boring personal history and we're being forced to read it. > Finally, > after the Time Lords found out about me and sent you to Karn, Solon > agreed to put my brain into a new body. CROW: The body I picked would be the envy of every hormone-crazed, dweebish, adolescent-brained male on the Internet! TOM: That is to say, everybody on the Internet? CROW: Ka-zing! > But did he put my brain > into the conveniently available body of his servant Condo? NOOO! MIKE: He put me in his glove compartment! > He insisted on constructing a confused mishmash of body parts with > some idiotic, painful fishbowl for a head! ALL: [ Snicker ] MIKE: Sounds like H.R. Pufnstuf's neighbor. > And this was after he, > or Condo, rudely dropped my brain onto the floor! CROW: And right after they had mopped, too. They had to redo the whole kitchen. > There's loyalty > for you! To have waited all that time for a body, and to get that! > Hah! TOM: I wanted Ms. Pac-Man's body once and for all! > That's how I know that evil, rotten, disloyal, treacherous > human Solon was so evil, rotten, disloyal, treacherous, a human, and > named Solon! CROW: What? TOM: So is the villain wacky, or did the story pick up a glitch when it got uploaded? > "Anyway, even in that stupid monster and fishbowl body, I still > managed to defeat you in a mind-battle, Doctor. MIKE: At least...I think I did. I forget. > But then Solon's > crude handiwork betrayed me and caused me to fall off a cliff to my > death!" CROW: Oh, and this wasn't a cheap cop-out of a story resolution either! Honest! > "Yes, I do seem to recall a plotline like that..." mumbled > Baker. TOM: Which leaves some fascinating thoughts about the nature of free will, and the potential to experimentally confirm or refute such a thing, but never mind that; we have a cheap fight scene to get through. > "But!" continued Morbius. "Even in that wretched state, the > greatness of Morbius could not be so easily extinguished. TOM: Though I did turn to writing fanfics for a while. I'm ashamed of it now. > My broken > body-like object, faced with imminent death, but attached to my > supreme Time Lord brain, was still able to regenerate!" CROW: When I woke up, I was a Mister Coffee machine. > "Good for you," muttered Baker. > "Silence, fool! Now, my brain had been so damaged and the body > had been so alien that the regeneration was not perfect. MIKE: I had four left arms and no mouth. I was frustrated. > I > regenerated into another monstrous body, but at least it had healed > sufficiently from my fall to allow me to crawl to my hidden TARDIS, > which even Solon had not known about. TOM: Why, it was so secret, even I never heard anything about it. > Once I got there, I decided > to regenerate again, into a decent, civilized body, one which could > rally billions of loyal followers once more to my noble cause! CROW: Or at least surround myself with more inept assistants. > I > set my TARDIS coordinates for a long journey and went down to the > Zero Room. TOM: It was right before the one room, but after the negative three room. > Since I only had one regeneration left, I had to make > sure it would be a good one. MIKE: So I started looking through certain 'naughty' web sites... > "Unfortunately, my TARDIS had been sitting on Karn neglected > for so long that it became a bit faulty. TOM: The pre-mixed salad he'd left in the fridge had spoiled. > Just as I started the > regeneration process, it suddenly crashed down on this fetid planet > Earth. CROW: I found myself covered in cheese, and sorely afraid. > The confusion and collision messed up my regeneration > horribly. I emerged to find myself in a place called the Daisy Hill > Puppy Farm, MIKE: You know, the Puppy Farm's now a six-story parking garage. TOM: Thank you, Michael. MIKE: Well, it *is*. CROW: If we don't care about it, it's not information, Mike. > with my TARDIS in the shape of a doghouse and my body in > the shape of this... this... this dog! TOM: Could be worse. Suppose he regenerated into the doghouse and the Tardis took on the shape of the dog? > Very soon afterward, I was > bought -- I, Morbius, BOUGHT by a human child! -- and brought with > my TARDIS to this place." MIKE: No! I call foul. Snoopy's doghouse has been destroyed several times since its first appearance, and the house built after the 1965 fire was *definitely* conventional construction and *not* a magic TARDIS device! CROW: Can we punch him in the stomach if he does that again? TOM: Yes. MIKE: Look, I can document this. > "By the way," interrupted Baker, whose terror had gone to the > back of his mind for a moment TOM: Because anyone would be pretty blase about this by now. > but which he knew was waiting to jump > out again at any moment, "why do both Charlie Brown and his mother > look or sound like strange mutants?" > "This TARDIS was slightly damaged in the crash," said Morbius, CROW: It no longer felt like playing with its old friends. > "and was leaking radiation which, after a time, altered all adults > in this area so that their voices sounded like muted trumpets, and > all the children in this area so that they gradually developed large > heads. MIKE: Oh, oh, sheesh, no... > In addition to that, my TARDIS also emitted a curious time > field, which stopped the children from aging. Charlie Brown has > scarcely grown in the last 30 years!" MIKE: Guys, is it my imagination or is this story revolting? CROW: It's not your imagination. TOM: Nope. This is bad. > "If you had a TARDIS, why did you stay around here for 30 > years?" asked Baker. MIKE: I had tenure. > "Because my mind had been altered by the regenerations. I > honestly believed I was Snoopy, that round-headed kid's dog. CROW: It was better than that time I honestly believed I was Pam Dawber. > Occasionally bits and pieces of past memories came to me, such as my > having fought in World War I in a different incarnation a long time > ago, but these were dismissed as fantasies. TOM: Because I made them up. > But now that I have > seen your face, Doctor, my identity as Morbius has returned! MIKE: And it's going to take me weeks to update my magazine subscriptions! > And I > especially remember the part you played in my death, Doctor! That > is why I shall kill you, very slowly!" CROW: It's a slow acting poison...take about 99 years to get all done. You don't have any plans, do you? > Baker started looking around insanely. Morbius laughed. > "Looking for a means of escape?" MIKE: No, I'm looking for a means of escape. > "No, actually I was looking for a director to say 'cut!' to > me." TOM: Oh, he is being wacky, again. > "You are insane, Doctor. You should thank me for putting you > out of your misery." CROW: Thank you! > "Yes, thanks a lot," said Baker. CROW: D'oh! > "Come to think of it," said Morbius, "if I were to kill you > here, the Time Lords would just send others. Instead, I'll go to > your Time Lord base with you MIKE: So I can fall into a booby trap. > as my hostage and demand that they > leave me alone in exchange for your life!" > "What a splendid idea," said Baker. TOM: "Could we get bagels while we're going?" > "We should have known we > couldn't outwit you that easily. Very well, let's go to 155 > Trashview Lane," giving the address of the Who convention, CROW: Trashview Lane, the street for the convention center. TOM: Apparently the city boosters are clinically depressed. > as it was > the only thing he could think of at the moment. MIKE: All right, but I'll only fall for this just once! > "Very well!" repeated Morbius. He worked some controls on the > wall, and the TARDIS was soon in motion. TOM: Guys, it's time to go. CROW: Yeah, let's blow this popsicle stand. MIKE: Okay, all right... [ ALL leave ] [ BREAK ] [ SOL. Low shot on desk; MIKE is resting his head in his hand. CROW enters from the right. ] CROW: What's wrong, Mike? MIKE: It's this fanfic, Crow. I mean ... look, I always liked "Peanuts." It's important, in a way. Reading the strip, it was like no matter how I felt, there was someone who understood ... who knew the thousand little pains of daily life ... and who lived through them, and who survived, and who could be horribly, wonderfully funny about how to live, and live as a good person. CROW: And you're not dealing well with the foundation of your morality being twisted into fiendishly evil schemes? MIKE: Yeah, something like that. CROW: Even though this story is still ten times better than "Flashbeagle?" MIKE: "It's Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown," you mean. Yeah. CROW: Why not get some psychiatric help, then? MIKE: Help? Where? [ Looks off to the left. ] Oh! Of course, I should've realized. [ MIKE and CROW walk to the left, revealing GYPSY sitting behind a LUCY-style 'PSYCHIATRIC HELP 7 CENTS' booth. TOM is crowched by the wide. ] MIKE: Here all the time. What am I thinking? CROW: Seven cents? I thought it was a nickel? MIKE: Winter rates, Crow. GYPSY: Yeah. You think I do this for the mental health? MIKE: Okay, well, Gypsy, my problem... GYPSY: Hey, hand over the cash first. MIKE: Oh, right. [ Drops seven cents into TOM's head. ] TOM: Ooh, I love that sound! MIKE: Right. Look, I'm having a really hard time dealing with Snoopy, the epitome of innocence and simple grace in the "Peanuts" universe, being turned into the supreme, not to mention really goofy, evil in this story. It hurts me in parts of my body and soul I never imagined I had. You know, there's some pains even a jelly-bread sandwich folded over won't help. GYPSY: Okay. Go to bed and try not to think about it. MIKE: That's...probably good advice. Thank you. [ MIKE wanders off. ] CROW: [ After a beat ] Hey, this psychiatrical help is easy. GYPSY: I'm just good enough that it looks easy, bucko. CROW: Oh. TOM: So how do we divide seven cents three ways? GYPSY: *Divide*? [ MOVIE SIGN flashes ] CROW, TOM: Oh, no, we got movie sign! [ They start running ] GYPSY: Come back with my fee! [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ MIKE is sitting there; TOM and CROW file in. ] CROW: Didn't get much rest, huh? MIKE: Grabbed a quick nap. TOM: Oh, those are refreshing. MIKE: Yeah. > > "There! All finished!" MIKE: Doesn't it look like a bunny? > The eccentrically clothed figure > stepped back from a console, proudly waving his hand toward a > viewscreen on it. TOM: Boy, you know, it's like we're right in the room with them. > "You've hooked up the television or something?" asked his girl > companion. > "Oh Peri, you Americans are something else!" CROW: You're like...somebody went to be an Greenlander and turned left. > responded the > Doctor. "This is a special scanner which will detect the movement > of other TARDISes through the vortex! It's been broken for years!" TOM: Because we couldn't think of any possible use for such a device. > "That's real interesting, Doctor. I'm glad to know that this > scanner is working now. I've been losing sleep over its being > broken lately." CROW: [ Uninterested ] "No, really, I have. Boy, I've just been thinking about it nonstop for years and years now. Honest." > "So have I, Peri! Let's just switch it on TOM: Oh, let's. CROW: That would be such a giggle. > and see if there > happen to be any other TARDISes nearby right now!" He flamboyantly > flipped a switch. MIKE: And the lights go out. > "No doubt hundreds of other TARDISes are investigating Earth at > this very moment," said Peri. TOM: Looking for their socks. > "No, probably not," said the Doctor, missing the irony. > "Believe it or not, most Time Lords don't care too much for Earth." CROW: The place doesn't have good enough schools for their children. > But, right there on the scanner, there was another TARDIS > moving through the vortex right near Earth. The Doctor, surprised, > rechecked the circuits to make sure there was not some malfunction. TOM: Oh, no, wait, it's just a commercial for a car dealership. My mistake. > The Doctor, even more surprised, discovered that the TARDIS > circuitry was in tip-top condition. MIKE: Well, somebody had tipped it over, anyway. > For the moment. > "I'll get the computer to calculate its point and time of > arrival, and then I'll bring our TARDIS to land there five minutes > earlier. CROW: Then we can pull the greatest surprise party ever! > Just in case that's the Master or something, I want to > make sure we get there first!" MIKE: You have a time machine. How can you not get anywhere first? > "Doctor, didn't the Master die while you were in your nice, > polite, unaggressive incarnation?" TOM: Remember? When you were Phil Donahue? > Peri put her hands to her throat > nervously. MIKE: Oh, see, she's read the story before, knows what to expect. > "You never know for sure," said the Doctor. "Here we go!" > > "WE WANT BAKER! WE WANT BAKER!" TOM: "Or at least Butcher!" CROW: "Candlestick Maker was a ripoff!" > "I don't think those people will wait any longer," said Wilco. > "Well, even though Tom's not here yet for his big entrance, Ian > and I might as well go out there now," Lis Sladen said. CROW: Maybe wackiness will ensue. > "Right," said Ian Marter. "We should be able to distract them > somehow." MIKE: What if we shoot fireworks into the middle of the crowd? CROW: Brilliant! > They stepped out on stage. The audience stopped its chant long > enough to applaud these other two stars. ALL: We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher! We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher! We want... > Sladen stood by the TARDIS > mockup on stage and said, "Well, the Doctor must have gotten lost in > his TARDIS again!" The audience, hot and tired, laughed at that > grudgingly. TOM: [ As audience member ] Ha ha. Ha. CROW: [ As audience member ] Kill them. > Both Marter and Sladen sensed an unusually hostile air in the > audience, and both cursed to themselves. MIKE: "Just as I thought. They're 'Blake's 7' fans." > They worried about what to > do now. > A familiar wheezing, groaning sound filled the air. CROW: The air conditioning unit was about to fall through the ceiling again. > The > audience burst out now into enthusiastic applause. Sladen sighed > with relief. Baker must have just arrived, and they were playing > that sound effect on the record player to signal his arrival. MIKE: The haunting 'washing machine is off balance' theme. > She was very surprised to see, however, a second police box > materializing right beside the first one. It was marvelous what > American technology could do these days. TOM: That's not a very convenient car phone. > The audience seemed > similarly amazed, and delighted at this special effect brilliantly > created as part of the show. MIKE: Normal Fellmania! Not Normal Fell, but an incredible simulation! > The second police box finished materializing, and Colin Baker > and Nicola Bryant, both in costume, stepped out. CROW: "Hi, we're looking for a Dr. Who / Kung Fu / Lion King crossover, have you seen it around?" > The audience went > even wilder in its applause. This was an unexpected treat! CROW: Yay! It's stuff. > Baker and Bryant confusedly peered at the audience for a > moment, as if they hadn't expected to arrive on a stage or anything. TOM: "Have you seen our lost kitty Muffinhead around?" > Baker then went up to Sladen and said, "Well, well! Sarah Jane > Smith! And good old Harry Sullivan! MIKE: Okay, is this the 'real' Doctor Who meeting the character actors, or the actors meeting the 'real' Doctor Who, or just general psychoses for everyone? CROW: Who knows? TOM: Does it matter? > How nice to see you both > again!" > Sladen hadn't known these two actors would be present, but > since they were here, she would go along with their act. CROW: "I give up, Doctor. What state is high in the middle and round on both ends?" > While on > stage, they had to act the same way that the Doctor, Peri, Sarah and > Harry would in this situation. The crowd, of course, loved it. MIKE: Whee! TOM: We don't know what's going on! CROW: Yay! > "Do I know you, sir?" she asked with a Sarah Jane lilt. > "Yes, Sarah, I am the Doctor! CROW: I want to talk about your throat infection! > Twice regenerated since teeth > and curls! MIKE: Thrice regenerated from that unfortunate Rod McKuen form! > What's going on here? I thought you were a journalist, > not an actress!" TOM: I'm not an actress, but I play one on TV. > "Doctor," said Nicola Bryant, by the first TARDIS prop, "that > other TARDIS we picked up on the scanners seems already to be here!" MIKE: Good thing they had the scanner there. > "I can see that, Peri," said Colin Baker, and the audience > laughed and applauded, because they just knew that any minute now TOM: They'd be minutes closer to death. > Tom Baker would step out of there, and they were eagerly awaiting a > confrontation between the Fourth and Sixth Doctors. CROW: Oh! I just got it. Lots of people played the Doctor, lots of kids provided voices for the Peanuts specials, yeah, this crossover makes sense...right? Please? [ Whimper ] > Colin opened the door to the prop, revailing a drab, police-box > sized, empty interior. TOM: "Honey? The fridge is empty." > "No, Peri, this isn't a TARDIS, it just > looks like one!" He sank into thought. MIKE: And drowned? > Sladen winced. What was Colin doing? In a skit it would not > do at all to reveal the prop as a prop! TOM: We might lose the carefully crafted sense of reality. > Still, Colin was especially > irreverent and good humored, and the audience, knowing this, was > laughing along with him, so she didn't mind. TOM: "Ha ha. Ha." CROW: "Well, it's better than fasting!" > This was a perfect > distraction from Tom's tardiness. MIKE: Not entertainment, but an uncanny simulation. > Sladen began trying to think of a > pun involving "tardiness" and "TARDIS" to spring on the audience > later. CROW: Or, well, to threaten them with, anyway. > Ian Marter stepped nimbly over a microphone cable which had > been stretched across the stage. "And you aren't Harry Sullivan, > you just look like one!" proclaimed the Doctor. TOM: Someone's replaced him with Folger's Crystals! > "The real Harry > would have tripped over that cable!" MIKE: "He would've easily killed a dozen people accidentally by now!" > The audience burst into great laughter. A good joke, but Colin > was not sharing it by smiling or laughing. CROW: "Fun time, but I was hoping to meet the Kratt brothers." > He was still deeply in > thought, looking around suspiciously. "I wonder if you are really > Sarah Jane?" he mused, looking at Sladen. TOM: "If you are, there's this android from the future I know who's looking for you." > She felt uneasy. Colin > was carrying this too far! > The audience cheered and applauded thunderously as the TARDIS > materialization sound was heard again. CROW: Oh boy. Watch the wackiness build even more. > A third police box appeared > on stage right beside the first two. Out stepped Tom Baker. TOM: Followed by Renegade Time Lord Bob Newhart. > The > audience increased their enthusiasm. MIKE: [ Dully ] "Our enthusiasm is increased." > Sarah moaned inwardly to see that Tom wasn't in costume, but > fortunately the audience didn't seem to mind. CROW: This audience wouldn't mind if boiling grease was poured all over them. > She was surprised to > note a strange creature, which had never appeared on the show in any > capacity, follow Tom out. What was going on here? TOM: And why was it lemony? > "And," Colin said, with a threatening note, "This is not really > the Doctor! MIKE: But he is an R.N. and I respect that! > He just looks like one of my past incarnations! Why, > he's not even a Time Lord!" TOM: He's just a Time Baron...maybe a Time Viscount. > Now even the audience was beginning to get a little confused at > Colin's behaviour. CROW: "Hey, why are we watching you guys? This is a Star Wars convention!" > Why wasn't he pretending Tom was the Doctor? > Was there some secret antagonism between the two actors? What > wonderful gossip this would make! MIKE: Their torrid affair must have turned sour! > "You're right!" came a flat, computerized voice from the small > creature. TOM: And now Stephen Hawking is attacking them! Oh, no! > "This so-called Doctor is an imposter! Gah, get away!" > And without warning, Tom suddenly jumped off stage. ALL: Mosh pit! > Shrieks could > be heard from the audience, who were thrilled at the prospect of > being able to tell their friends that Tom Baker had broken their > arm. MIKE: "I Went To Michigan's 'Haughton Hears A WhoFest' And Got My Own Civil Liability Settlement!" > "But you, sir!" continued the creature. "You are a Time Lord! > From what you said, you must in fact be the Doctor! Very well, > then, I shall take you instead!" CROW: He's a very flexible evil guy. TOM: Wait, so not a single person in this crowd recognizes Snoopy? > Colin started walking toward the third police box. TOM: He opened the door and found it was the one being used as a grain silo! > Both he and > the creature entered, and then the door slammed shut. The TARDIS > then wheezed and faded away, with Bryant shouting "Doctor! Doctor!" MIKE: Sanctuary! Sanctuary! > Sladen ran through the space where the third police box had > been. There was definitely nothing here now. So where had Colin > gone? Or, was that really Colin? CROW: Maybe it was Dave instead. Or Bill. > Absurd as it seemed, Sladen was > beginning to think that maybe he had really been the Doctor! > "What is your real name?" she whispered to Bryant. > "Perpugilliam Brown! MIKE: You just know she got in trouble with the SAT people for filling that in on their sheets. > We've got to save the Doctor!" CROW: Somebody contact the Fox network! > She ran > into the second police box. Sladen followed her inside. Sure > enough, there was the TARDIS control room. This was a real TARDIS, > all right! MIKE: Wow, with the blinky stuff and everything! > Sladen exited the TARDIS. "Ian, Tom, come quickly! This is > the real TARDIS, and that person who has just been taken away was > really the Doctor!" TOM: So just imagine the implications about free will and predestination and the nature of reality...no, wait, we've got a crummy fanfic to get back to. > Marter said "Come on now!", but Tom, who had made it back to > the stage, was beyond being surprised at anything. They all entered > the Doctor's TARDIS. CROW: "Somebody call the Guinness people, I think we've got a world record!" > Peri flipped the switch which closed the doors. She pointed to > the newly repaired scanner. MIKE: It's living in vain! > "That creature is getting away! There > they are in the scanner!" TOM: Well, hey, just hold onto the scanner and we've got them then. > "Well, 'Doctor,' let's go after them," said Marter. > "Come on, Ian, I don't know these controls," protested Baker. CROW: I mean, we've met each other, and would talk in the hallway, but no way to we really know each other. > "You've only played the Doctor for seven years! Surely you've > learned something about the TARDIS by now!" said Sladen. MIKE: Marrissa Picard in a role that will surprise you. > "Well, I never made an effort to learn the control panel. In > fact, I never was consistent. Whenever the script called for me to > use a control, I pretty much randomly flipped a few!" CROW: At the director, at the writer, at the producer -- that's why they 'regenerated' to another new Doctor... > "Well, then, randomly flip a few!" said Marter. TOM: Or ask one of the fanboys in the audience which ones to push. > "We've got to > do something!" > "Yes," said Peri, who was wondering if she really should trust > these strange people. MIKE: [ As Peri ] "Should I mention I'm trained and certified on this equipment? Nah." > The second police box vworped its way off the stage. The > audience was plainly and simply stunned. CROW: "Hey! Why do they get to leave?" > So was Wilco, who had seen > every one of his invited personalities vanish into thin air. Now > what would happen? TOM: "Well, okay, we can bring you Tony Randall and Dr. Joyce Brothers then!" > > "That control device of yours is crude," said the Doctor, > shrugging off its effects. CROW: But it does wonders for my hair. > "Maybe so," said Morbius, "but I have another device which is > efficient enough." TOM: It collects all the "orgone" in the area and then...well, I don't know what to do with it, but it's very efficient at collecting it all. > "Oh really? And what is that?" asked the Doctor, humoring the > dog. CROW: Heartworm pills. I don't want to talk about it. > "A good old fashioned blaster," said Morbius smugly, producing > the described item. MIKE: Oh, wait, this is my staple gun...could you hold on a minute? > "Who are you, anyway?" asked the Doctor. CROW: You're not Carol, from the office, are you? > Morbius again went > through the explanation of who he was and how he had gotten that > way. > Linus, metered letter in hand, TOM: Oop, see, I knew the subplot would come back to haunt us. > peered through the doorway at > the top of the stairs. Snoopy was talking and holding a gun on some > absurdly dressed stranger. MIKE: So, Schulz's most perceptive character sees this and his reaction is... > He clutched his blanket to him and > started sucking his thumb. MIKE: Nothing. Might as well be observing pavement resurfacing. > The Doctor saw the child on the other end of the room, behind > Morbius, and his first thought was to save the child from Morbius. CROW: His second thought was to wonder about the fate of Tina Yothers. > "Why don't we just go elsewhere and discuss this reasonably?" he > suggested. TOM: Have you seen that new "Borders" super-bookstore? It's quite nice. > "I have been in agony far too long to permit you the slightest > chance of escape, Doctor!" cried Morbius. CROW: "Now just give me a moment to figure a way to screw this up!" > Now that he knew the > Doctor had not been sent by the Time Lords, he knew it was safe to > kill him. MIKE: And maybe the seventh time he gets killed he'll stay dead. > He fired the blaster at the Doctor. > Fortunately, at that precise moment, TOM: The world ended and we didn't have to read the rest of the story, the end. > Linus flipped his > rolled-up blanket at Snoopy, thrashing the gun out of Snoopy's paw > just at the instant the trigger was pulled (milliseconds either way > would have meant the death of our hero), so the ray just hit a wall. CROW: An action sequence that's slower than the exposition. > With a growl, Morbius turned to attack Linus, but the Doctor > heroically leaped down to claim the blaster. MIKE: "Can you describe the contents of your blaster, sir? Do you know any identifying features of it?" > With a stern > expression on his face (which had not been visible during his > stunt), CROW: Stunt men in a fanfic. [ Groaning ] Help us... MIKE: We may have been forsaken. > he aimed the pistol at the dog and said "I wouldn't do that > if I were you, Morbius!" TOM: "Daddy will spank you if you do." > Morbius lifted his paws in defeat. CROW: "In de hind legs, you mean, not de feet! He hee!" MIKE: Don't do that. > Linus hid behind the > Doctor, who was still covering Morbius with the blaster. TOM: And kisses! > Morbius > looked behind the Doctor and Linus at the hole in the wall which the > blaster had brought into existence. CROW: What does someone make a hole out of? > Behind that hole had been > complex cooling equipment, MIKE: Aw, it's just a little tray they put fresh ice in every day. > and deadly gas was leaking out through > the hole. > "Pity you don't happen to be carrying a stalk of celery on you, > Doctor," Morbius said. CROW: What? > "Funny you should mention that," said the Doctor, who suddenly > fell to the floor. MIKE: Huh? Celery? > Without the telltale celery to warn him by > changing colour, he'd breathed in the gas. TOM: Celery...is the writer having a seizure or something? MIKE: Maybe it's backstory? Something in the Dr. Who continuity or something? CROW: He couldn't guess there'd be a gas leak even though the cooling system was blown wide open? > Morbius reclaimed the blaster and pointed it at the Doctor's > gasping body. "And now, you shall die!" CROW: Unless you've brought fresh peaches; if you did I'm doomed! MIKE: The Doctor's inability to tell a cabbage from a lettuce comes back to haunt him. > Linus quickly scrambled up to the gaping hole and covered it > with his blanket. The gas stopped looking into the room, CROW: It heard a rumor the Doctor had some nectarines. > which was > soon clearing up. MIKE: Yes, folks, 'outing' flannel is impermeable to gas molecules. CROW: What kind of flannel? MIKE: I don't know, but that's the type. > Then Linus came up at Snoopy from behind, knocked > the little dog over, and took the blaster himself. TOM: Teach *you* to steal my blanket. > "Well done!" called out the quickly recovering Doctor. CROW: We need the involvement of young children in a deadly confrontation! > However, Morbius growled and attacked Linus, wresting the blaster > from the child's grasp. He quickly turned to face the Doctor, MIKE: Face the doctor! Then meet the press! > who > had been preparing to attack him from behind. Morbius stepped back > so that both Linus and the Doctor were within his field of fire. TOM: And he fell out a seventh-story skyscraper and died. The end. > "And now, Doctor, it is time to say good-bye!" CROW: You know, I was just thinking...what would that "Gospel According To Peanuts" guy make of this story? TOM: Kindling for his barbecue, perhaps? CROW: Oh, that's right, I forgot. > "Wait, Morbius!" The Doctor decided to defeat Morbius the same > way he had before, by appealing to his hubris and egotism. CROW: "I'll have you know I've got a bunch of apples on me!" > "It's so > uncivilized to just shoot me. How about a little mind-battle?" TOM: "No? Well, how about you let me go and try to catch me again? Uh, okay, how about...uh...we play Twister for a few hours and then fight again? Uh..." > "Not this time, Doctor!" growled Morbius, tensing his trigger > claw. "This time you can not escape the wrath of Morbius!" CROW: "Unless you do something!" > "Afraid, then, eh?" commented the Doctor. MIKE: What, do villains legally have to fall for this trick? > "Afraid? Of you? I am the greatest mind-battler Gallifrey has > ever produced! Come, let's go to it!" CROW: "Drop the kale; I know not to fall for that stunt!" > Morbius stepped toward a convenient mind-battling machine. TOM: Hey, that's not a mind-battling machine, that's a dollar bill changer! > "So > that's what that thing was," said Linus. CROW: "Oh, and I'm still in this story." > Morbius and the Doctor took their places. They concentrated. > The Doctor moaned as MIKE: ...as Morbius ate the last of his dill pickles. > the devilishly grinning face of his present > incarnation appeared in the little circular screen. TOM: Help me, Obi-wa...oh, forget it. > "See, Doctor, losing already!" said Morbius. > Now the screen showed his fifth incarnation wearing his famous > "hit over the head with a spanner" face. > The Doctor grunted and rallied. CROW: It's not quite Churchill during the Battle of Britain, is it? TOM: It's not quite Duke during any G.I.Joe episode. > Morbius cursed when the screen > showed the pompous countenance of Snoopy. The tide was beginning to > turn! MIKE: Isn't this a Conan O'Brien routine? CROW: Yeah... > But then the tide turned back, as the screen showed the fourth > Doctor with his "mad at Nathan-Turner" scowl. TOM: Go Andy! CROW: Andy! MIKE: Mad at Nathan Turner? Isn't he an ABCNews correspondent? > This image persisted > for a moment or two, and was then replaced by the third Doctor with > his innocent "of course I wasn't trying to feel you up, Jo!" look. TOM: So, the ultimate form of combat, in the Dr. Who universe, is making faces at people. > Sweat beaded on the Doctor's face as he strove to overcome > Morbius' still great power. MIKE: "Sheesh, he must take like seven D cells!" > Sure enough, the screen now showed a > warped concatenation of several different forms of alien life. > Morbius howled at that, and desperately parried. CROW: A quick uppercut with sharp curled eyebrow! TOM: And a quick bout of tickling with some string beans! > For an instant, > the second Doctor's glum face appeared on the screen, but the Doctor > had discovered Morbius' weakness, MIKE: He secretly loves watching "Dharma and Greg." > and thrust mentally at it. Now > the screen showed Solon's creation with its fishbowl face. TOM: If you keep making that face it'll freeze like that. > Morbius cried in dispair, and with only token resistance > allowed the Doctor to strip away his previous faces one by one onto > the screen. CROW: It's not just about survival, it's about humiliating your beaten opponent! > Then his body collapsed to the floor. Morbius had > lost. TOM: His keys. He would have to check with the Lost and Found department. > Morbius' weakness, the Doctor had discovered, was his > incredible shame at having been in three horrible non-Time Lord > bodies. MIKE: And two hardboiled eggs. > By attacking this part of Morbius' mind, the Doctor had > been able to prevail, even though Morbius still had the stronger > will. CROW: So the greatest force in the universe is shame and humiliation? MIKE: That explains so much. > Using a spot bit of telepathy, the Doctor discovered that > Morbius' mind, fractured in the battle, had again been reduced to > the level of a dog. TOM: That's the easiest level on "Civilization II." > The Doctor felt pity for the ever-suffering > Morbius and decided not to kill him, but instead to return him to > Earth. Morbius would live out the rest of his days as Snoopy. CROW: So rather than a quick, painless death, we'll cast him back to a life of mental anguish and quiet suffering? Great hero. > This > should be safe, provided nobody who looked like the Doctor ever came > around again, bringing back Morbius' memories! TOM: And as long as nobody showed him eggplant. > As an afterthought, the Doctor turned to Linus. MIKE: "Have you ever considered term life insurance?" > Using > hypnosis, the Doctor said, "You will forget this entire incident, > won't you?" TOM: Oooh, he's using The Force. > "What entire incident?" replied Linus. CROW: So the Doctor can erase minds, but there's no need to erase the trigger that will turn Snoopy into the epitome of evil? > Satisfied, the Doctor > brought this doghouse TARDIS back to Earth where it had started. > > "He was a great baseball player," said Peppermint Patty, "but > he was still the funniest looking kid I've ever seen." CROW: What was with that Roy Hobbs guy anyway? MIKE: Hey, can I just point out that Peppermint Patty learned Snoopy was a dog in *1974*? Okay? 24 years ago. TOM: *Why* do you know that? > "He just goes off to do his own thing every day," sighed > Charlie Brown, "and comes back only to get his old supper. MIKE: What *is* wrong with a little deficit eating anyway? > That > ungrateful dog, he just comes and goes as he pleases...." TOM: Acting like he wasn't under anybody's mental control or anything. > "What's that strange sound?" interrupted Peppermint Patty. CROW: The Whos, are they singing in Whoville anyway? > They looked out the window. There was the doghouse, back in > its ordinary place. TOM: Not that they knew it was missing. > A confused Linus crawled out, followed by a > confused Snoopy. CROW: [ As Linus ] "Did we just..." TOM: [ As Snoopy ] "I don't want to talk about it." CROW: [ Linus ] "No, but we..." TOM: [ Snoopy ] "I'm not going to talk about it." MIKE: Guys, that's really vile. > Neither of them paid any attention to the strange > man who came out, who wasn't himself confused, but whoever had > designed his outfit apparently had been. CROW: He's wearing zuccini? What the... > "Where have you been?" demanded Lucy, Linus' crabby older > sister. MIKE: Lucy's relationship to Linus needs explanation; celery doesn't. Everybody on the same page now? > "Oh, uh, just metering this letter I was going to mail...." > "I oughtta slug you!" she said, pulling back her arm to do just > that. TOM: How dare you not have sufficient postage on your own! > "Looks like everything's back to normal," commented the Doctor, > taking his leave. CROW: Back to the routine psychological torment! No problems. > > "They're all gone!" moaned Wilco. TOM: "All my imaginary friends have run away!" > "What a failure of a > convention! The audience has all gone in disgust! I'm out my life > savings! What will I do?" MIKE: "I know! I'll put on a musical!" > The Doctor got out of a taxi and ran into the convention hall. CROW: "I just feel very strongly about seeing the convention hall." > He rushed up to the stage, passing a very bewildered Roger Wilco, > and entered the police box on the stage. "Oh no, this isn't the > TARDIS, it's just a prop!" he cursed. MIKE: And this! This isn't a convention hall! It's a pizza place in Binghamton, New York! And you! You're not my father! You're SuperChicken! > "Of course," muttered Wilco. "Who do you think you are, the > Doctor?" > "Yes, as a matter of fact. Want my autograph?" CROW: How would he sign autographs? He doesn't have a name, just 'The Doctor.' TOM: "Wow, I got Anonymous's signature!" > Wilco left in misery. MIKE: Okay, now, he's seen two Tardises appear out of midair, seen people claiming to be the Doctor and a Time Lord running about, and vanishing instantly, and he hasn't connected that just maybe something a little weird is going on? CROW: If he's the embodiment of the author, then he's the most pathetic personal character we've seen in years. > Tom Baker, Ian Marter, and Elisabeth > Sladen had all been here and left before he could get any of their > autographs. CROW: He even ran out of sugar beets before the day was half over. > Now this nut, this Colin Baker lookalike claiming to be > the Doctor, was adding insult to injury. TOM: Like Wilco's own parents didn't harm him enough? > Wilco was contemplating > various means of suicide. > > "The scanner shows that the other TARDIS has returned to > Earth," Peri said. CROW: Oh, no, wait, they're going to Atlantic City. > "Marvelous," said Baker. "I've just managed to land us > somewhere. MIKE: Methane atmospheres okay with everybody? > Which of these opens the viewscreen? Ah, this one!" > The viewscreen opened, revealing a quarry of some kind. TOM: The famed three-bean salad mines of Landru! > "Well, > that could be one of any number of places the Doctor's been to...." > said Sladen. MIKE: We're in the matte department! Run! > "Just try to get us back to Earth," suggested Marter. > "Righto. Back to Earth." CROW: What were they trying to accomplish, again? > The poor actor who had once played > the Doctor looked authoritatively at the controls as if he had the > slightest idea how to operate them. MIKE: Frantically searching for an 'undo' button. > "I'm getting the hang of > this... Let's see, this will definitely get us back to Earth!" he > said, pressing several buttons and flipping a couple of switches. TOM: "We're landing in Kazhakstan, that okay by you?" > Peri, the only one who'd ever really been in a TARDIS before, > sighed. CROW: [ As Peri ] "You idiots are just playing the Doctor's home movies on the viewscreen..." > > The Doctor soon heard a familiar sound. Sure enough, a TARDIS > materialized on stage. He produced his key and opened the door. MIKE: [ Waving arms ] Ack! TOM: [ Coughing ] CROW: Bleah! The switch for the fan is in there for a reason, people! > "Thank God we're back!" exclaimed Sladen. > "What, did you doubt my ability?" asked Baker. MIKE: "Just because a completely untrained unqualified person was directing a highly advanced piece of technology capable of dropping them completely at random throughout all of time and space, you were worried?" > "Let's just get out of here!" suggested Marter. CROW: They have no idea what to do with brussel sprouts! > The three left > the TARDIS in a very big hurry. > "Who were all those people, Doctor?" asked Peri. TOM: So, Peri is incapable of independent thought and action, is she? > "I don't know. I don't think I want to know. What say we go > for a nice long holiday somewhere, Peri?" CROW: How about Arbor Day? Or maybe the New Jersey Big Sea Day? > "Might as well try one more time, Doctor!" said Peri. > > -OO WA OO- MIKE: Isn't that the closing theme to Murphy Brown? TOM: Yay, we can leave! CROW: So? You still owe Gypsy that money. TOM: Oops. [ ALL leave. ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ INT SOL. MIKE and CROW are standing behind the table, with the TIME MACHINE (from "Terror in the year 5000" props) on the right. ] MIKE: So you insist you have a way to help us figure out what's with the celery? CROW: More than insist, Michael...I *know*. [ TOM, running and screaming, enters from left, chased by GYPSY. ] GYPSY: Give me back my seven cents! TOM: I lost it! Honest! [ TOM and GYPSY run out to the right. ] CROW: TOM! Tom, come here, boy. [ TOM ducks in from the right. ] CROW: Good boy. Want a safe hiding place? TOM: Desperately! CROW: [ As MIKE pats the TIME MACHINE ] Come right in, she'll never find you. [ TOM enters the machine; it immediately starts special effects shots. ] MIKE: So, uh, what's with sending him through time? CROW: Easy. I figure if we send Tom back a hundred million years or so, that'll create a huge spacetime anomaly. Some Time Lord is bound to notice that, and go to Tom to figure out what he's doing there. He'll lead them back to *us* and then we can ask... [ COMMUNICATION light starts flashing. ] MIKE: On the Hex Field View Screen. Cambot, could you put that up, please? Thanks. [ HFVS opens up. Inside is the TIME LORD'S ASSISTANT, dressed as MARY RICHARDS. TOM, with the top of his head removed and the gumball dome filled with 'broken back' pens -- the ones with the sharp crick about two-thirds of the way up, that straighten out again -- is to her side. ] TLA: Uhm...hi there, everyone...hello. TOM: Help me! MIKE: Tom! Are you well? Are they taking good care of you? CROW: Hi, ma'am. Are you now, or have you ever been, a Time Lord? TLA: Oh, gee, no, I haven't been. I mean, I'm the assistant Time Lord, but, you know, that means, all the paperwork, the administrative duties, that sort of thing. TOM: Fine! Can I go home now! TLA: Yeah, sure, little robot...scurry along, or whatever it is you do. TOM: Thanks. [ Slides out of HFVS shot. ] CROW: Anyway, ma'am, your boss is a Time Lord? TLA: Oh yes, yes, he just goes in his office and practically Time Lords the day away, it seems. MIKE: Great. We have a question about the Doctor, if you don't mind. TLA: Well, he's...okay, I guess he's a...you see, the thing is, his degree is in chiropractic care...but that counts. Really. CROW: Okay. Does he wear a piece of celery on his lapel? TLA: [ Bemused / skeptical ] It depends on what he's had for lunch. MIKE: But when he does, he's got a reason for it, right? TLA: Very much so. He, uh, watches, if the celery changes color he knows certain gases he's sensitive to are present. CROW: Oh, my, that makes a lot of sense, then. TIME LORD: [ Bellowing, from off screen ] Hey! You willing to bring me some coffee? TLA: [ Calling back ] Not for the past six years, remember? TIME LORD: [ After a pause, yelling back ] Oh yeah. Never mind. TLA: Aw, look, I can't lie to you. He just doesn't like wearing a bib is all. MIKE: Aw, well, that's not too bad. TLA: It's embarrasing...look, I have to get back to work, but, you know, I'm having a little after-dinner party tonight, if you want to talk to my boss then, you know... [ TOM shows up by CROW. His head is filled with 'broken back' pens still. ] MIKE: That's okay, thank you. We shouldn't keep you from your work any more. TLA: Right. Feel free to call up anytime, now. MIKE: Thank you, you too. TLA: [ As HFVS closes up ] Goodbye. CROW: Nice lady. MIKE: Yeah. I bet she'd make it on her own. TOM: Ah-hem. Crow, what was with the idea of sending me back a hundred million years in time? CROW: We had to draw out a Time Lord somehow, right? Besides, they got you back quick enough, right? TOM: They *retrieved* me minutes after I got there. But they thought I was a conversation piece for their waiting room! I've been stuck in that room for five years! MIKE: What? Didn't you tell them where you came from, who you were? TOM: They thought *that* was the conversation! CROW: Ah. Oh well. No harm done. MIKE: And we got these nice pens, too. [ Removes one. ] I always liked these. TOM: Oh yeah, and Gypsy's probably forgotten whatever had her so mad at me. It's been years. CROW: Well, it's been years for you. MIKE: For us, it's been more like, three minutes. TOM: Uh-oh... [ TOM runs off to the left, as GYPSY enters from the right. ] GYPSY: What's eating Tom? MIKE: He figures you're still mad at him. GYPSY: About what? CROW: The seven cents he owes you. GYPSY: Oh, that! I forgot all about it. TOM: [ Crawling back in. ] So I'm forgiven? GYPSY: Not now that I'm reminded. TOM: Oh! [ GYPSY chases TOM off camera. ] [ MADS light begins flashing ] MIKE: Oh, those two...ah well. Wonder how Pixie and Dixie and Mr. Jinx are doing. [ MIKE taps MADS SIGN ] [ INT. STUCKEYS. OBSERVER, PEARL, and BOBO are sitting on the floor. OBSERVER is wriggling the kazoo in his brain, wincing with each motion. BOBO looks sheepish. PEARL is still silently furious. ] OBSERVER: [ Voice still filtered through Kazoo. ] Go ahead and guess, Nelson. BOBO: [ Reaches over, coos apologetically, wriggles the kazoo. ] OBSERVER: Aaaah! [ Winces in pain. ] That's it. [ Curls hand, winds up to punch BOBO. ] PEARL: [ Puts up hand, stopping OBSERVER's punch. ] OBSERVER: All right. PEARL: [ Turns to BOBO, begins slapping with both hands. ] OBSERVER: [ As BOBO whimpers and PEARL continues slapping ] And let that be a lesson to you all. Until next time, mere ones. \ | / \ | / \ | / --- o --- / | \ / | \ / | \ Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and Copyright Best Brains, inc. Peanuts and its related characters and situations are the creation of Charles Schulz and trademarks of and copyright United Feature Syndicate. Dr. Who and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright the British Broadcasting Corporation. The story "That's Just Peanuts To Space" is the creation of R. Hall. No infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains Inc, United Feature Syndicate, the British Broadcasting Corporation, or R. Hall is intended or should be inferred. Should any Copyrightable material remain, such then belongs to Joseph Nebus. The title "That's Just Peanuts To Space" is taken from "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy," the full text of which helpful Douglas Adams fans have thoughtfully put on the Internet without providing any means for Adams or his publisher to earn any money from it. This MiSTing is intended solely for personal entertainment and is not meant to be an insult to the creators or fans of Peanuts or Dr. Who, nor to R. Hall, or to any other person or organization referenced in any way. I did know an R. Hall when I attended Rutgers University, but have no evidence he was responsible for this story. > "They're all gone!" moaned Wilco. "What a failure of a > convention! The audience has all gone in disgust!"