Mystery Science Theater 3000 "Neon Genesis Frodo" with the short: "The Double Cross" [Season 6 opening.] [...1...2...3...4...5...6...] [A clunky, old-fashioned metal-cased PC is set up on the desk, with Crow at the keyboard. Mike, Gypsy, and Tom all pay polite attention.] CROW: See? See? TOM: Crow, I looked up my *own* entry in the Wikipedia a *long* time ago. CROW: Not just that! Read! [Mike and Gypsy lean forward slightly.] MIKE: "...the cliche wherein one of the robots (usually Crow) chimes in with an off-topic and/or excessively lewd comment and the other two reprimand him is known as the... 'Crow effect?'" CROW: So! All the shouting, all the slaps, all the electroshock therapy, all the dissections in search of libido circuits, all the sensitivity training... and all because of some chimera you called Crow *syndrome!* TOM: Crow, if you expect this little fever dream to get you an apology-- CROW: Apology? What would I do with *that?* I'm expecting it to get me ice cream, graphic novels, out of cleaning the load pan bay... [The commercial light begins to flash.] MIKE: [over Crow] We'll be right back once we've finished negotiations here. CROW: [continuing] ...clean socks, sandwiches, an extra bedtime story at night... [Mike hits the commercial light as Crow continues talking.] [commercials] [A large plate of cookies has been set up on the desk. The three bots hover near it (literally so in Tom's case, of course), but Mike continues to address Cambot.] MIKE: So then it's all decided. We'll all work to cut down on the self-reinforcing spiral of syndromes, disorders, complexes, patterns, and of course effects... TOM: [impatient] And we'll seal the deal with *cookies!* [The mads' light begins flashing.] MIKE: Sorry, guys... Toll House and Mister Christie are calling. [He leans over and hits the light.] [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester stands in the foreground. A turntable loaded down with an elaborate arrangement of mirrors, lenses, and prisms stands in the background. A laser on the edge of the turntable sends a green beam, indicated by some convenient smoke, bouncing randomly through the optics. TV's Frank, holding a clipboard, carefully inspects the setup.] DR. F: Greetings, Funk and Wagnalls! We're about to make scientific history here... with the discovery of the Forrester effect! FRANK: All set here, Steve! DR. F: Yes... For too long, reflection and refraction alone have been relied on to change the course of light. [SOL] TOM: Hey, interesting! Are you planning to create a portable gravitational lens? GYPSY: The mass of a galactic cluster compressed into a shirt pocket? [Deep 13] DR. F: Far more impressive than that... for you see, we plan to harness the awesome power of *shame!* Go ahead, Frank. [Frank begins yelling at the turntable.] FRANK: Hey! You lousy photons! Can't even muster up the energy to be *indigo!* DR. F: Deflection, Frank? FRANK: [checks] Exactly... nothing. DR. F: Ah, I suppose it still needs some work... but the *other* experiment this week, the one I'm sure you're all waiting for, is a curious cross between two projects of the Weta Workshop. Your full experiment begins, though, with a concentrated nugget of hurting in the form of a Robotech short. Send them the fanfic, Frank. [SOL. Lights, sirens, mayhem.] MIKE: We've got fanfic sign! [...6...5...4...3...2...1...] > game1pro@aol.com (GAME1PRO) > > The year is 2470 TOM: Buck Rodgers looks forward to another thirty years of steady work! > and Earth is being attacked by an alein known as the > Invid the reason they attack is because the robotech masters (A race of > destroyers) MIKE: Or a regatta of cruisers, I forget. > stole a flower called The flower of life that preduces the > energy for protoculture. TOM: And they were *sure* we had implements of mass gardening-related program activities! > The Invid have set up a few hives in North America and Asia. CROW: A few ant hills in African and Australia, a few termite mounds in Europe and South America! > The Invid can > change themselves using genetics, a skill not yet mastered by humans. MIKE: We're forced to use extreme makeover reality shows. > The human attack force is a group of specail skilled men and woman. CROW: COBOL programmers, cheque-forgers, and fullbacks away! > They > must stop the Invid invasion of earth and protect the flower of life. > > As Scout walks toward the Veritech Fighter bay, Max walks over next to > him. TOM: Intense merging action! > "Whats up, Scout?" he asks. CROW: [Scout] Just feeling thankful once again that I never finished my doctorate. > "Im going up tp the Veritech test range to practice. " > "To lose against yourself?" Max asks smiling. MIKE: Ah, so *Max's* special skill is to shatter the confidence of others. > As we come to the door of the bay TOM: For with a friendship as rich and detailed as that of Scout and Max, isn't it like we're right alongside them? > the computer asks "Password." > He input his password into the keypad and the door opens with a hum. CROW: Welcome to the barbershop quartet bay! > He steps in and walks through the bay toward his Veritech, Wardog. He > comes to his veritech it is painted in blue and white. MIKE: Something of a war poodle cut, then. > He climbs up the > ladder and into the cockpit. There are controls and buttons on the front > panel. BOTS: Wow! MIKE: What? It's a control panel. TOM: Yes, but "he" didn't look at it first! > He sits down onto the cockpit chair. He presses the comm. button > and there is a buzz of static. CROW: For into every dramatic launch sequence, a raspberry must intrude. > "War Dog to Base." He says. > "Base here." > "Open the bay doors." Scout says into the comm. speaker. MIKE: And "Base" is so relieved to know who "he" is that they refrain from their Hal routine. > "Start launch sequence." He says to the computer. He hears the drone of > the computers voice as it starts the count down from ten. > The engines humm with power TOM: D flat! Powerful enough for ya? > and the veritech lifts from the ground and > toward the open bay doors into the dark viod of space. CROW: Inspiring! TOM: The Earth's as good as liberated! > > Thats Chapter 1. E mail me to get more of the story. MIKE: Which is touching, in its own way. > > [commercials] > A/N: I own nothing.not Lord of the Rings not Evangelion.and am poorer > for it TOM: When you pick our portfolio, a speedy return-on-investment is *guaranteed!* > > Welcome to the beginning of the end CROW: You do have to admit, they give a better greeting than the waypoint of the midsection. > as we join Frodo and the Fellowship > in their quest to destroy that which threatens all of Middle Earth 3. MIKE: Third time's the charm, right? TOM: Only *this* time, they need to find an extension cord long enough to reach Mount Doom! > > We enter the story as Arwen is following the orders given to her by > Gandalf to pick up our hero Frodo. TOM: Although she hadn't yet decided whether his saying to use her *own* pick-up lines was encouraging or not. > > Frodo jumped back from the street MIKE: Frodo spares no opportunity to rehearse for his one-man production of "West Side Story." > as Arwen galloped up > recklessly on her horse. "Get on," she ordered him. Startled, Frodo > reluctantly obliged. CROW: Although there *is* the draw of being *above* those recklessly galloped over. > They rode fast until Arwen looked out to the east > and saw something that made her pull up the reins on the horse and throw > herself with Frodo behind a small rise that was conveniently there. TOM: Convenient, because we all know how washing-board flat Middle-earth is. > > *explosion* BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!! */explosion* CROW: Good thing they closed that comment! MIKE: Yeah, explosions out of bounds can really mess up your day. > > "What was that?!" asked Frodo as they attempted to rescue > Arwen's horse from the tree in which it had fallen. TOM: Did I say "horse?" I meant warm, hairy bicycle. > "That, Frodo, is the > sound of our last defenses against the great enemy that has come to > bring ruin to ME3," she replied. Frodo nodded acquiescently and wondered > "why me?" MIKE: No, em-e-three! Pay *attention!* > > After the salvaging of Arwen's horse CROW: Thanks to a helpful Ent, but that's really not important to the story. > and the journey that followed TOM: Tangentially to the benefit of the New Zealand tourism board, but again, that's really not important to the story... > they > finally reached Rivendell. > > "How far underground is this Rivendell place, anyway?" asked > Frodo. CROW: See, this is *much* quicker than showing us secret entrances or grand tunnels or anything like that! > "Very far.that is all you ever need know," Arwen replied. > When they reached the bottom of the elfish elevator TOM: Which, oddly enough, is *exactly* like your regular Otis model, except for the catch on the emergency phone door. MIKE: *Well* worth reaching the bottom of for! > they hurried > through a series of halls and doors until they reached a room where an > important looking old man with a long grey beard, a pointy hat, kid > gloves, MIKE: For handling this thing with. > and orange sunglasses greeted them. His ID tag read "Gandalf." CROW: [Gandalf] *Elrond* said I'd look cool... TOM: [Arwen] He said *dark* glasses! > "Frodo, you are just in time to kill the Nazgul," *ominous music dum dum > dum.*, TOM: Ominous! MIKE: But there's something missing... > "Now get into that giant robotic type thing CROW: Brutally technical here. MIKE: If it'll bring Middle-earth's salvation, then bring on the technobabble! > we call and > Evangelion that you were totally unaware of before this moment and have > no idea how to pilot and save the world," Gandalf said. Frodo blinked. TOM: See, this is where we identify with the hero, thereby making his quest universal... > "Come again?" "I said, pilot the eva," he demanded. *even more ominous > music Dum Dum Dum.* MIKE: Give me a minute, guys, it's coming... CROW: Yeah, yeah, keep yourself occupied... > "And if I don't?" asked Frodo. Gandalf snapped his > fingers in an important manner. TOM: Pizza all around! > Immediately an injured elf with long > glowy hair lying on a hospital bed was ushered in. "Galadriel, will you > pilot the eva?" said Gandalf. *gasp* "yes.sir." *gasp*, she gasped. CROW: Special dialogue by the Department of Redundancy Department. > "What?!" demanded Frodo. "You're gonna make her pilot that thing that I > was totally unaware of before this moment and have no idea how to pilot > and save the world? That's not fair. MIKE: And, all together now... TOM: [Frodo] I want *my* potentially debilitating injuries played up too! CROW: [Frodo] Now I'll never get to prove I have the blind luck of the untutored! TOM: And *you* were about to say... MIKE: Um, well, never mind. > I will do it," he said. "So, be it," > Gandalf said CROW: [Frodo] But I already said I'd *do* it! MIKE: Operation Bait-and-Switch is well under way! > with an ominous look in his.er.glasses. After being > ushered into a weird capsule like thing TOM: Filled with gelatin-like LCL for easy swallowability! > formerly unknown to ME3 by a > couple elves in abstract uniforms CROW: Abstract is this season's post-minimalist. MIKE: And next will come the neo-expressionist uniforms! > with half a melorn leaf and the words > "The Valar are in Valinor and All's Right With the World" written as an > insignia on the sleeve, Frodo found himself wondering why he was so > stupid MIKE: See, that's what I love about these things: the exploration of deep philosophical questions. > and where this bravery and honor concept came from. MIKE: ...Well, and that kind of stuff too. > > We join our hero again at surface level above Rivendell. He is presently > sitting inside the eva, lets take a closer look as the Nazgul > approaches. CROW: ...I always get embarrassed by those direct invitations. > > As Frodo sat in his eva he saw a horrific apparition coming > towards him, a Nazgul. *ominous music DUM DUM DUM* MIKE: *B!* *That's* what's missing! > Immediately he began > working on his battle strategy. "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, > I mustn't run away." determined our hero. TOM: Brilliant from the first, of course, but it's the *third* repetition that raises it to strategic genius! > Suddenly the Nazgul was upon > him and beating the tar out of his eva. MIKE: Brutally violent, but it resurfaces the Rivendell road! > "I mustn't run away, I mustn't > run away, I mustn't run away." Frodo murmured as he was thrown back into > a large stationary object TOM: Among large objects, nearly the best kind! > with his external power cable cut. He then > proceeded to spend his remaining five minutes of internal power > repeating his strategy. MIKE: Um, Frodo... CROW: What? He's *doing* it, isn't he? > Then, after the power ran out, and the Nazgul > stood ready to smite Frodo with his giant sword, Eva 01 decided that > enough was enough. BERSERK!!! TOM: ["processed"] Stop-the-fanfic! CROW: [ditto] Stop-the-insanity! > Something snapped in Frodo's mind and between him and Eva 01 > they ripped that Nazgul to shreds. Shortly thereafter Frodo passed out > and forgot everything that had happened. CROW: Now I'm *really* jealous. > > .:Demosthenes:. TOM: And that's a full mouthful of pebbles right there. MIKE: [getting up] Come on, we're out of here... [Mike picks up Tom, and follows Crow out of the theatre.] [...1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL bridge. Gypsy is behind the PC, with Mike watching.] GYPSY: ...Submit... and there we go! Crow's entry is fixed. MIKE: Okay, that should wrap things up... [notices something] AAAH! DUCK! [Mike ducks out of sight as Gypsy looks around, confused. A moment later, Tom's plane swoops into sight, but stops suddenly to hang in place. It is painted blue and white, and has been modified with two mechanical legs hanging down from under its wings: it has become a "Guardian." Tom wears a helmet somewhat like a motorcycle helmet, with its faceplate flipped up to form a kind of pointed visor.] TOM: Ah-hah! Large, purple--you're an Invid! Prepare to taste Veritech justice! GYPSY: But, Tom--you're small and red! *You're* an Invid, too! [Tom wildly looks around.] TOM: Oh, no--you're right! I've been *double-crossed!* GYPSY: But who did it? TOM: *Max!* It *must* have been him! GYPSY: But why? What broke your rich and detailed friendship? TOM: He's the only other person in this story--*that's* why! [Crow enters, glancing up by tilting back, and then tilts back down to normal.] CROW: Hey, Gypsy. Hey, Tom. [looks down] Mike? What are you doing under the desk? [Mike cautiously stands up, keeping a careful eye on Tom's hovering plane.] MIKE: It's a long story. [The mads' light flashes, and he hits it.] Yes? [Deep 13. The lab is crowded with mirrors, prisms, lenses, and assorted unidentifiable gadgets. Dr. Forrester stands a bit too near the camera for comfort, but obviously can't move; Frank very cautiously picks his way through the background.] DR. F: Ah, Nelson. Come to see how we're doing, hmm? Well, your sympathy is no less than your due... but we don't need it! *This* time, we will *undoubtedly* discover the Forrester effect! Switch on, Frank! [Frank has picked his way to one wall, where a large knife switch has been mounted. He throws the switch closed... and in a shower of sparks crossing the lab, the lights burn out. Dr. Forrester is still dimly visible.] DR. F: All right, just push--well, I *am* closer... [FWOOSH!] -[Author's Notes]----- This is my fifth solo MSTing; for my previous works, visit . The Wikipedia entry that caught Crow's attention is preserved at ; the current, corrected version is at . (Tom Servo's entry is at .) Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. "The Double Cross" is copyright GAME1PRO; "Neon Genesis Frodo" is copyright Demosthenes. Robotech is copyright Harmony Gold USA, Inc. The Lord of the Rings is copyright the Tolkien estate. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Anything remotely original within this MSTing was written by Keith Palmer , and finished September 2004. > Frodo found himself wondering why he was so stupid and where this > bravery and honor concept came from.