[SOL bridge. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the desk.] CROW: So... an Evangelion-Armageddon crossover. TOM: For a minute there, I was worried. MIKE: We *are* dealing with goofy science here. TOM: Ah, but Armageddon is so much more than that! I was worried that we'd see boorish American tourists complaining how the destruction in Tokyo-3 was cutting into their vacation schedule. CROW: I was worried that we'd see Gendo chasing Asuka with a shotgun to save what's left of Shinji's virtue. [Mike nods; he's getting into the spirit of things.] MIKE: Oh, yeah. He'd be interrupted at the last moment by officials demanding his help for some reason only marginally related to the crisis at hand. TOM: And his first effort at help would be to turn up his nose at the space weenies assembled to run the mission, and suggest his own cronies. MIKE: Leading to a montage in which the famous new pilots of Evangelion fanfics are gathered from their various unsavoury pursuits. CROW: [blankly] Why? MIKE: Well, *somebody* has to go crazy, and *some* people have to die during the space mission. TOM: [sternly] Mike, your impulses towards antifics do not do you credit. MIKE: Oh. Sorry. CROW: Still, *somebody* has to die melodramatically along the way. TOM: But not before the training montage. You thought Shinji jumped into his new job with little to no training? Well, look out, because they just don't *care* about their training now! CROW: Eventually, though, they'll run out of time... and prepare for the arduous mission by going to a strip club. MIKE: That'll be followed by an emotional farewell in which the love interest is dumped by the wayside and somebody sings "Leaving on a Jet Plane." CROW: Which will henceforth be the song played at the end of each segment. TOM: And will have more versions on the soundtrack CDs than there are actually segments. CROW: [brightly] Including a Torgo version! MIKE: [singing] AlL mY bAgs ArE pACkeD, I'm rEaDY tO gO... CROW: [utterly calm] Stop. Please. TOM: But after all's said and done, we should remember that things *could* be more ridiculous. [Lights, sirens, mayhem.] CROW: Just keep telling yourself that--since *we've got fanfic sign!* [...6...5...4...3...2...1...] [Mike enters the theatre, and puts Tom in his seat. Crow follows him.] > Judgment Day > By Artemis > > > Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is a copyright of Gainax co. > Elements of this fanfic are inspired by the movie > "Armageddon" by Touchstones Pictures, CROW: [slyly] Ready to show your displeasure by folding now, Tom? TOM: After our little discussion, I'm at peace with the world. The juxtaposition can no longer harm me! > and, especially for > this part, the movie "Air Force One" by Columbia Pictures. TOM: Hoo boy. MIKE: A two-fisted Gendo Ikari tells the terrorist leader to *get off his plane!* TOM: Mike, the moment's passed. > Most of the characters in this fanfic are owned by Gainax > co., so please don't sue me! > > Part 2 > > Misato's Apartment; 10:25 A.M > > "Ready, Shinji?" asks Misato. The boy nods. "Okay, here we go! > Push!" With that command, Shinji concentrates every muscle on his > body, CROW: All the original Shinji goodness, but in half the space! > grunting and groaning, and tries to push down as hard as he can. TOM: Another successful delivery, made possible by Lamaze. > "Almost . . . there . . ." she groans as she too pushes with > all her might. CROW: This either a borderline lemon or some sort of industrial procedure. > Then, with a reassuring 'click', Misato exclaims, "Got > it!" TOM: At least *something's* clicking around here. > They both let out a relieved sigh as they both sit on top of one > of her suitcases, trying for half an hour now to cram all her clothes > in. MIKE: Did they have to pack *all* of them? TOM: You know how it is. Should the mission fail, at least she'll be with her greatest love at the end. > "Misato, why did you pack so many clothes anyway?" Shinji asks > as he wipes off the sweat from his forehead, and tries to catch his > breath. CROW: High-impact packing--the new fitness sensation! > "Well," she says, "I don't want to look unattractive in front > of those handsome American guys, now wouldn't I?" MIKE: If self-insertion fanfics have taught us nothing else, it's that Japanese women will fall for American men every time. > The next second, > Misato is lost in her fantasy of spending some time on a beach with > beefed up hunks in Speedos TOM: [slyly] Well, we've just had our first real fan service. CROW: Whatever. > with blue eyes and blonde hairs. > "I . . . see . . ." reply Shinji hesitantly, but quickly adds, > "Umm, what about Kaji-san?" TOM: Say... If this is after the Fourteenth Angel attacked, then it's likely Kaji's dead! CROW: Well, the healing has to start *somewhere.* > Misato's fantasy was shattered at the mentioning of her > boyfriend's name. "Oh, please!" she frowns, "Can't I have some fun > without bringing up Kaji into it?" TOM: [Misato] And what have I told you about raising the dead here? > She then leans toward him, and > whispers in his right ear, MIKE: The blocking just adds so much here. > "I won't tell him if you won't, Shinji." > Before Shinji could reply, the door to Misato's room slides > open, and Asuka steps in with a very, very revealing bikini. "What do > you think, Misato?" she says as she spins around, CROW: Why would she need to spin, if she's just carrying it? TOM: Say, maybe we're meant to assume she's wearing it. CROW: [pause] You know, you really have to work for your fan service in this fanfic. > brandishing her new > bikini. MIKE: But how do you brandish something you're wearing? CROW: Well, it *is* a deadly weapon. > "You look great, Asuka!" she replies, "You're ready to give > those American boys a run for their money!" TOM: She'll win easily. Most American boys look lousy in bikinis. > As they both giggles in > amusement, Shinji grew red in embarrassment and try not to look at > Asuka's new outfit, CROW: Oh, that's easy. Just look at the part that *isn't* covered. > although he couldn't help shooting out a quick > glance towards both of them. TOM: Why both? CROW: That roving eye'll be the death of him yet. > He couldn't believe that they are now > giggling happily and talking about guys, while a few hours ago . . . MIKE: They were sedately and soberly discussing their investment options. > > > -FLASHBACK, NERV Pilot Briefing Room- > > The news of a gigantic Angel on a collision course towards > Earth was like a cold, steel knife stabbed on their heart, CROW: Good thing it didn't go *in.* > for nobody > speaks a word in a long pause. TOM: Well, yes. If they were speaking, it wouldn't be a pause. > Ritsuko's voice brought warmth to > deathly cold silence by saying, "There is a hope, however" MIKE: [Ritsuko] The American football hero Flash Gordon will surely save us all! ALL: Flash! Ah-Ah! > "What is it, Dr. Akagi?" said the U.N General hurriedly. > Immediately, all ears are on Ritsuko, CROW: Eew. MIKE: It's a Van Gogh kind of moment. > including the cold commander > himself who coolly fixed his glasses. MIKE: Maybe he should try *warmly* fixing his glasses. They might *stay* fixed then. > Ritsuko cleared out her throat, examined her reports on her > notepad, and finally looked up to the hologram display. TOM: She's got their attention--and she wants to enjoy it as long as she can. > "As you might > know, it is impossible to destroy this Angel with conventional > weapons, and we can't rely on the N2 bombs in this situation." TOM: They *never* can. CROW: It doesn't stop them from trying. > "Why is that, Doctor?" asked Keele. > "MAGI have concluded that the AT-Field of this Angel is four > times more powerful than any other Angels we have encountered so far." TOM: And when all else fails--throw in a number! > replied Ritsuko, "Therefore, launching N2 missiles to destroy this > Angel is definitely out of the question, since they couldn't breach > through the AT-Field. ALL: [singing] We're trying to run, trying to hide-- We can't breach on through to the other side! > What's more, the radiation of the N2 explosion > would reach Earth even faster than the Angel itself, and the result > would be even more devastating than the impact with the Angel." MIKE: Boy--these N2 mines are a solution worse than the problem. CROW: Well, isn't that the *point?* > She > paused for a second or so, letting her words to be planted deeply in > everyone's minds. CROW: I never realised Ritsuko had a green thumb. > "Our other alternative," she pushed on, "Is to get inside the > Angel and destroy it from its core" > "And how do you propose we do that?" asked the General, again > in an impatient tone. MIKE: [Ritsuko] By drilling *exactly* eight hundred feet into its hundred-mile diameter. No more, no less! > Instead of replying, Ritsuko took out a black, remote-control > like device from her lab-coat pocket, and clicked on a red button with > her thumb. CROW: Her soaps must be on. > In an instant, another hologram appeared in front of the > display, showing a round object that was presumably the Earth. TOM: But was really a cantaloupe. > "The plan is simple enough, sir. We are going to transport our > Evas with two shuttles bound for the moon. On the way, they would make > a quick stop on space station 'Atlantis' to refuel." TOM: Say... We never envisioned them stopping off on a decaying space station manned by a single crazed cosmonaut and equipped with an artificial gravity system that defies all science facts. CROW: I guess it was just too close to our current lives for us to think of it. MIKE: Hey! > As she spoke, two > red lines trailed off from the Earth, and stopped on a red dot near > Earth's orbit. ALL: [hum the Raiders of the Lost Ark theme] > As the lines began to move again, Ritsuko said, "After > 10 minutes of refueling, MIKE: Only ten minutes? TOM: They expect the station to have blown up by then. > the shuttles will continue on towards the > moon." > As the two red lines reached the moon, another round object, > approximately 1/10 the size of the moon, passed on the other side of > the moon. TOM: I have the vague suspicion this is supposed to happen near the moon. CROW: Now where did you get *that* idea? > "When the Angel arrived near the moon, the two shuttles > would both made a slingshot maneuver, circling the moon's orbit by > using its gravitational pull, and arrived behind the Angel. CROW: So it's already happened... and we're sure to get out of here soon! MIKE: Sorry. > Then comes > the hard part comes in." > "The hard part?" exclaimed Keele. TOM: [Keele] And how can it come twice? > Ritsuko clicked on another button, and the hologram displayed > a round, silver object surrounded by numerous, smaller round silver > objects, as if they were protecting the larger object. TOM: Or mugging it. > "As you might > know," continued Ritsuko, "Those round objects surrounding the Angel, > 'Feathers' as I referred to them, CROW: At the rate it's moulting, they'll be wiped out by a plucked turkey. > will make our job on landing the > shuttles even harder. We need the best pilots there is to pilot these > shuttles." > "I will contact NASA immediately after our meeting," said the > U.N General. MIKE: And if they're busy, he'll try Tom Hanks. > "There's more" said Ritsuko. CROW: But wait--there's more! How much would you pay *now?* > With that, she clicked another > button on her 'remote control' and all the Feathers disappeared, > displaying only the round object with a force field surrounding it. TOM: The crystallisation, if you will, of all the illogic we've already faced. > "We would still have some problem with the AT-Field of the Angel," > said Ritsuko, "In order to penetrate the Angels' AT-Field, we need to > neutralize it by using our Evas' AT-Field. CROW: Isn't that a given? MIKE: Well, saying it *does* keep her in the spotlight a little longer. > There is a slight problem, > however." > "And what might that be, Doctor?" asked Keele. TOM: Poor Keele. One minute he holds the threads of destiny in his hands, and in the next he's reduced to introducing each new chunk of exposition. > "Although we could increase our Evas' AT-Field to their > maximum, it is still not enough to neutralize the Angel's AT-Field. In > short, we are short one Eva to accomplish this mission." said Ritsuko > as she turned off the display of the silver Angel. CROW: Boy, first there's no hope, then there's hope, and then there's no hope again... But what a performance! > "I believe that another Eva is not a very big problem," said > the ever quiet Gendo, CROW: Speak up, Gendo! We can't hear you! MIKE: Do we *want* to? > "NERV Branch 1 in America have been developing > the S2 Engine, and had planted the experimental engine into their very > own Eva Unit 03. MIKE: And if you're good, some day you may have an EVA of your very own. > The Engine has been proven successful so far." There > was a boisterous tone in his speech, as if he was undermining both > SEELE and the U.N TOM: [Gendo] The day's saved--nyah, nyah! > "Unit-03 have been operational since three weeks > ago," said Gendo again, "With a 14-years-old American named Adam > Traeger as its pilot" MIKE: [slowly, thoughtfully] A new pilot... A new *American* pilot. TOM: [sarcastic] You must be so glad. MIKE: Mildly so. > "How come we never receive any report of this American pilot?" > asked Keele in amazement, realizing that once again Gendo has gone > over his and SEELE's authority. > Gendo smiled, and fixed his glasses. TOM: Because, after all, what could be more enjoyable than fixing your glasses? > "I'm sure my report is > somewhere on your table," he said sarcastically, "Along with your > other, more important work." MIKE: [Keele] Oh, that reminds me. I've got some chain letters to write. > Before Keele could respond, the General said, "Well then, that > settles it. CROW: Boy, Keele's definitely got the short end of the stick this time around. TOM: We can only presume he's plotting his revenge as we speak. > Gendo, I order you, your staff and your pilots to leave > for America at once. I will arrange that a U.N airplane would be ready MIKE: Would be ready if what? CROW: If they say "please." > for you in Tokyo-3 International Airport, Gateway 14, at precisely > 12:00." > "And the Evas?" asked Gendo, as if he was very concern for his > precious monsters. TOM: After all, they're only the things that'll save the day. > "Launch your Evas to launch pad 14, and the U.N troops would > pick them up and carry them to our military airbase. MIKE: You wouldn't think it would take *all* the troops. TOM: Well, by now that's all they're really useful for. > Three B2 Fortress > have been assigned to carry your Evas by air into the United States, > and they would launch shortly after your plane took off," explained > the General, and added with a bit of sarcastic tone, "Don't worry, > Gendo. Your 'babies' will be in good hands." TOM: The filmmakers would like to thank United Airlines, Nike, and Allstate. > Gendo nodded, and exclaimed, "Thank you, sir." With that, the > display of the U.N General disappeared, leaving only Keele on full > screen. "Gendo," he sighed, MIKE: [Keele] Will things ever be the same, between just the two of us? > "You do realize that the failure of this > mission means complete destruction of humanity." CROW: [Keele] And that's *our* job. TOM: Well, not exactly. CROW: Could've fooled me... > Gendo smiled his usual cold smile, and said, "NERV's sole > purpose of existence is to prevent that from happening. CROW: At least he smiled when he said that. MIKE: Now, Crow... let's not get *too* far into the original here. > You may rest > assure that we will do our best." With that, Keele nodded in approval, > and his hologram disappeared from the display. > Gendo turned toward his staff, and exclaimed, "You may go home > to your places CROW: [Gendo] Your swinging pads, even. > and collect the things you might need on our journey, > except for the launch staff. MIKE: [Gendo] They're part of *my* collection. > Rendezvous at the Airport in 11:50. > Dismissed!" With that he walked out of the door, followed by Fuyutsuki > closely behind him. MIKE: You would hope he'd be behind him when he's *following.* > -END FLASHBACK- > > > Tokyo-3 International Airport, Gateway 14; 11:51 A.M > > Gendo, Fuyutsuki, Ritsuko, Rei and the three Command Center > staff sits on the chairs CROW: Just once, I'd like to see them holding a spontaneous jam session on the floor. TOM: Or posturing on the coffee tables. > in the terminal's waiting room. They are > obviously waiting for the ever-so-late Misato and the other two > pilots. > When the clock strikes 11:48, MIKE: The new "chime every minute" clocks don't seem to keep very good time. CROW: Well, after a few minutes of listening to them, who cares what time it is? > the elevator door on the other side of > the room slides open, and out come Misato, followed by Shinji and > Asuka. As they got near the waiting party, Misato exclaims, "Are we > late?" CROW: She can see the clock! TOM: Ah, but can she *trust* it? > Ritsuko smiles, and says, "I must say, captain, it's quite a > record to be late just one minute, MIKE: Not by the terminal's clock. TOM: Maybe she's got a direct line to the story's clock. > especially for a very disorganized > person like you" > "Oh ha, ha, very funny," she exclaims as she sank on a chair CROW: She's going down for the third time! > next to Ritsuko. After a moment of pause, she looks at her friend, who > looks unusually gloomy. TOM: She just realised she's going on a road trip with the rest of the Evangelion cast. That's all. > "Hey Ritsuko," she asks, "Is the situation > really that bad? I mean, if we could survive the Second Impact, > couldn't we survive this one?" TOM: There *was* something about centuries of nuclear winter. CROW: Maybe the power of positive thinking will keep them warm. > Ritsuko shook her head, and says, "I'm not even sure there's > going to be a place for us to survive on." She tries to keep her voice > as low as possible, so nobody there could hear them. CROW: [loud Misato] What's that, Ritsuko? You say there won't be anywhere to survive? > Misato moves closer to hear what she's going to say. "You > see," she says quietly, "When the commander and the others were busy > moving up the Evas, TOM: They got all their friends together, and they had themselves an old-fashioned EVA-moving-up! > I told MAGI to do another quick calculation on the > damage, and the result was . . . appalling." MIKE: See what happens when you move your EVAs without washing your hands first? > She let out a sigh before > she continues, "MAGI predicted that 24-hours after the impact, the > Earth's core would stir up violently, CROW: [Misato] Why? TOM: [Ritsuko] Oh, just because. > creating various gigantic > volcanic explosions TOM: Oh, great--now we've added a "Volcano" crossover! > and tremendous earthquakes. These activities would > go on for about an hour, until . . ." CROW: Until the Dolby surround sound makes the roof cave in. > She shakes her head again, and finishes her explanation to > Misato. "Until the Earth is just nothing but a field of asteroids > between Mars and Venus," she says. MIKE: Sooner or later, they won't be able to raise the bar of crisis any higher. TOM: At least, we hope not. > > Shinji fixes his gaze towards Rei, who was reading a book > entitled "The Scarlet Pimpernel", TOM: Ooh! There must be deep significance in this! MIKE: The same significance as that of an Angel the size of Germany headed for the Earth? TOM: Hmm... Maybe you're right. > and paid no attention towards her > surroundings. 'Rei', he thought, 'What have gotten into me to notice > you so much these days?' He let out a soft sigh, and continues on > eyeing the silent commander's doll. MIKE: We should be grateful that somewhere, at least, Gendo has the soul of a collector. > His daydream was broken by a touch of something very, very > cold on his left cheek. He shrieks in surprise, CROW: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. > and sees Asuka holding > two cans of soda on each hand. MIKE: Ah--the triumphant return of the sodas! > No doubt it was her who pressed one of > the cold cans on to his cheek. "Geez, Shinji, it's only me. You don't > have to get that paranoid," CROW: [Asuka] You *know* the psychological torture's part of the routine around here. > she says as she smiles, and hands him one > of the cans. > Shinji rubs his cheek, and receives the can of cold soda. > Faintly, he could hear an oppressed laughter. MIKE: He considered joining Amnesty International. > From the corner of his > eyes, he notices something very bizarre: Rei, covering her mouth with > the book, was giggling at his comical reaction when Asuka pressed the > cold can on to his cheek. TOM: She's laughing... at the humiliation of one of her close acquaintances. CROW: [moved] She's becoming *normal!* > He blushes red, turns his gaze away from her > and opens his can. > As he gulp down his soda, Asuka suddenly asks, "Hey Shinji, do > you really like Rei?" The remark almost made him choke on his soda. MIKE: This soda's more dangerous to him than the Angels! > "W-What?" he replies, after coughing and trying to calm > himself down. > "Oh, come on," she says as she took a sip of her soda, "Don't > you think I didn't notice the way you look at Wonder Girl there? TOM: You know... she is being awfully casual about this. CROW: Well, hey--it's not like he's showing interest in *her.* MIKE: And there *is* that new pilot in the wings-- TOM: [a little too quickly] Mike, you jump to too many conclusions. > You > practically drooled at the sight of her." TOM: Something really *has* gotten into him. CROW: Hopefully, it's nothing a penicillin shot won't fix. > The boy blushes even brighter red at her remarks. Asuka sets > down her can of soda, and says again, "Shinji, if you really like her, > you'd better do something about it quick. CROW: [Shinji] How quickly? MIKE: [Asuka] Just let me get clear first. > You know how the saying > goes, 'Drink and be merry today, TOM: Do they want to drink sugar water, or do they want to save the world? MIKE: In this story, they want to do both. > for tomorrow you die', and you know > that is very true in our line of work" MIKE: Suddenly, this really *is* a soft drink commercial. CROW: Or a Dave Matthews song. > Shinji glances again at Rei, who's already busy with her book > again. 'Asuka does have a point there', he thought, 'Who knows when > death would claim one of our lives, especially in this kind of > situation' TOM: [Shinji] Why, the terminal's plumbing could explode any moment! > Before he could reply, two men dressed in a formal military > attire approaches them. One of them speaks with a very stern, yet > respectful tone. CROW: The other accompanies him on bicycle horn. > "Commander Ikari and the staff of NERV?" he asks. > Gendo glances at him from behind his glasses, MIKE: As opposed to the other way around, of course. TOM: After all the times he's fixed them, that *is* a possibility. > and replies > casually, "Yes?" > "Sir, the plane is ready and waiting for you. If you could > just come with us . . ." he says. CROW: [man] And your duty-free shopping adventure will begin! > Ritsuko look at her wristwatch. It's exactly 12:00 noon. MIKE: But is that the terminal time, or story time? TOM: It's Bulova time! > Gendo stands up and casually says, "Let's go, then." CROW: Boy, it's a thrill-a-minute here. MIKE: You *do* remember the action scene, though... CROW: You may be right. > > > U.N Boeing 747-400, Code Name: Unity-1; 6:00 P.M, U.S Eastern Time TOM: Looks like they're getting a head start on jet lag. > > The massive airplane, which was somewhat reminiscent to the > U.S Air Force One, CROW: They get the stunt double plane. > flew silently at 30,000 feet across the Pacific. MIKE: A silenced plane? TOM: Well, obviously they're saving the sound effects for the space scenes. > Inside the dining room of the airplane, Shinji sat on his seat, TOM: Better than sitting on his head. > watching at the golden yellow color of the setting sun. TOM: Given that they're over the Pacific, the sun must be setting about noon local time. CROW: They just keep piling crisis on crisis, don't they? > At a distance, he could see the three B2s, carrying the three > Evas on their belly just like sharks carrying their gigantic babies. MIKE: Giant, flying sharks carrying giant, lamprey-like babies. > He could hear faintly the sound of Ritsuko, Misato, Fuyutsuki and his > father in the conference room next door. He could hear faintly that > they were discussing something MIKE: Sounds like the Department of Redundancy Department has an unattributed co-author credit on this. CROW: No--the "they" is the cast of Tenchi Muyo. > about having 185 hours, 57 minutes and > 10 seconds left. CROW: If it wasn't for those ten seconds, I'd be getting a little worried about now. > He could also hear something about detonating the > Angel two hours before entering Earth's atmosphere. MIKE: What? No last-minute save? TOM: Oh, they'll find a way to delay the detonation. Just you watch. > He just tuned them off, TOM: Although he didn't quite want to drop out at the moment. > doesn't really wants to know what's > going on. Not that he doesn't care, but because he feared more > terrible news would popped up if he tries to find out, CROW: And if he ignores it, maybe it'll go away. > adding more > pressure to the burden he carried on his shoulder as an Eva pilot. MIKE: Tch, tch. What did I tell you--adjust the straps to put the weight on your waist! > He tried to call Toji and Kensuke earlier in order to lighten > his burden, but nobody seemed to be at home. CROW: The Feathers must have taken out the voice mail system in their attack. > He couldn't blame them, > since the attack of the Feathers gave even him and Asuka, the > 'bravest' and well trained Eva combat pilot, a pretty good scare. TOM: They're terrified by a Feather attack... so they leave home. CROW: It *is* a catastrophe. They must have been looting the shopping malls or something. > Well actually, it gave him a scare because he was concern of > Rei's safety. MIKE: And that *is* something to be. CROW: Yes, but it gives you a scare. > 'Rei . . .', he thought, as he kept his gaze towards the > setting sun. CROW: No better place to keep it, really. MIKE: You don't want him to damage his eyesight, do you? > Suddenly, he sees a flaming object fell from the sky, TOM: It must have left a smoke trail. > missing > the plane's left wing by inches. Instantly, his eyes grew wider in > terror. 'Oh no', he thought, 'Not again!' CROW: [Shinji] Not *another* implausibly explosive action sequence! > Chills ran down his spine as > he tries to call for the others, but no sound comes out of his mouth. TOM: First a silenced plane, then a silenced cry... boy, this is turning into a silent fanfic. > Another Feather falls down, getting closer to the left wing. MIKE: Boy, they've already missed by inches. They're shaving it fine... TOM: Those were the warning Feathers. > "M-Mi . . . Misato!" he calls out, surprised that his intended cry > only came out in a whisper. CROW: Well, that *is* progress, of a sort. > Suddenly, a tremor shakes the massive plane as an unspotted > Feather MIKE: It must be the rare plaid variety. > grazed one of the engines on the right wing, setting it on > flames. TOM: They're going to char-broil it to perfection. > Unbalanced, Shinji falls from his seat to the floor. > Misato rushes out of the conference room. "What the hell was > that?!" she cries out. CROW: Ol' Shinji must've really been packing it away at dinner. > "F-Feathers . . ." the boy calls out in fright, "I-I think it > hits us . . ." TOM: It's the Feather that keeps on hitting. > "I could see that!!" she says, as she climbs up to the > cockpit. As she reaches the cockpit, the pilots are pressing the > panels frantically. CROW: [pilot] That secret passage has to be around here *some*where... > "What's our status?!" she says. > "Our 1st engine on the right wing is down! TOM: When the software industry goes too far. > Those Feathers > must've grazed it!" he says, as he punches commands on the keyboard. CROW: Yeah--maybe he's trying to reboot! > "I'm ejecting the damaged engine!" says the co-pilot, MIKE: And what better way to solve a problem than to get rid of it? > as he > presses a button. Instantly, the screen went red and the 'Alert!' sign > appears. "Damn!" he exclaims as he slammed the keyboard, "The engine > won't eject! The mechanism is jammed!" TOM: Too bad they had to buy from Boeing. A DC-10 would be *much* more helpful right now. > At that moment, Gendo walks up to the cockpit. "What's going > on?" he asks coldly. > "Sir, engine no.1 has been damaged by a Feather," says the > pilot, "It is on fire and won't eject!" > "Have you tried the fire extinguisher?" he asks again. MIKE: [pilot] *Fire extinguisher?* Boy, what will they think of next? > "Yes we have, but the wind is making the fire harder to > control!" says another co-pilot. TOM: Try and make orbit. That'll put the fire out! It might be a little hard on the passengers, though. > "Try channeling all the fire extinguisher to the right wing!" > says Misato, "Do it, now!" MIKE: Wouldn't it make more sense to just spray them on the engine? CROW: They're still at the fire. Isn't that enough? > Frantically, the pilot enters the command for all the fire > extinguishers to be channeled to the damaged engine. TOM: And the Spiritualist Fire Department goes into action. > Immediately, > foams of the extinguisher sprays to the burning engine, and the fire > are quickly put out. > "The fire is out, ma'am, TOM: You know there's a problem when the characters have better grammar than the narrator. > but we lost the first engine," the > co-pilot says as he turns his chair towards Misato, "What's more, we > lost too many fuel during the fire. TOM: "Too many" fuel? CROW: I can just see somebody in the stokehold of their steam-powered airplane counting lumps of coal. > I'm afraid we don't have enough > fuel to reach the airport" > Misato sighs in desperation, while Gendo coolly fixes his > glasses, pats the pilot on the shoulder CROW: Ooh, he's going to do something evil. You just know it. > and says, "Keep on going. > We'll think of something." CROW: [Gendo] Why, I've just thought of jettisoning some weight. How's your swan dive? > > > Unity-1 Conference Room; 6:21 P.M, U.S Eastern Time > > Ritsuko, helped by Maya, is typing a few commands on the > computer. MIKE: [Maya] Uh, no, ma'am. GOPOSTAL gives you the invincibility *and* the weapons... > When she presses the Return key, the machine beeps and a > sound of a dial-tone could be heard around the silent conference room. CROW: Combining computers and the phone lines. Wow, the future looks bright! > 2 seconds afterwards, the tone is replaced by the sound of numbers > being dialed. After a few louder beeping and screeching, the connected > sound could be heard, ALL: [cheerful] You've got mail! > and Ritsuko looks up from her work station > towards Gendo. "We're in the MAGI's Mainframe, sir" she exclaims. CROW: [Ritsuko] Unfortunately, so's everyone else. Hope you didn't want that new game demo any time soon... > Gendo nods, and turns his attention towards the three Eva > pilots across the table in front of him, all dressed up in their > plug-suits. MIKE: But oddly enough, they have no place to go. > "Captain," he said, giving her the signal. > She nods at the sign, and starts to speak to the three Eva > pilots. "All three of you know that at estimably 6:00, TOM: Because, after all--what time could be better for an attack than six? > we have been > attacked by the Feathers," she says to them, "During the attack, the > Feathers have damaged one of our engine, setting it on flame. CROW: And the worst part is, it got overcooked. > While we > managed to put down the fire, MIKE: There's nothing more tragic than having to put down your own fire. > a great number of fuel have been > consumed by the fire" CROW: So, did it consume mass quantities? TOM: Naah. That would be grammatical. > "Therefore," she pushes on, "Commander Ikari has issued an > evacuation plan. Right now, three 32X-Osprays, TOM: Thirty-two times better than your regular negative Ospray! > complete with robotic > arms, are waiting for us at exactly 15,000 feet. MIKE: The "exactly" of "exactly eight hundred feet?" CROW: It's possible. > When we reached > 15,000 feet, TOM: If it's already happened, what are they doing standing around talking? > Dr. Akagi would enter the command to hatch the entry-plug CROW: She may be NERV's chief scientist--but she really wanted to be a poultry farmer. > from > each of your Evas one by one. When that happens, each Ospray would > take one entry-plug, MIKE: Would take it if what? CROW: If they feel like it, obviously. > and slides it into the cargo bay. One of you then > would enter the entry-plug, according to which Eva's entry-plug it > was, CROW: Well, actually according to who won the coin toss. > and would be inserted back into your proper Evas. Then, the > process would repeat all over again TOM: You mean we have to try and parse that *again?* CROW: Maybe this time you'll get it right. > until all three of you are safely > onboard the Evas. Is that understood?" > "Yes, Ma'am!" says all three pilots. MIKE: [shakes head] They're sharper than I am... > "Any questions?" she asks > afterwards. TOM: Oh, we've got scads. > Shinji raises his hand. "Yes?" says Misato. > "Um, what about the other staff?" asks Shinji, "How are you > going to save yourselves?" MIKE: They must be Pelagians. > Misato glances back at Gendo, who gave her no hint in > answering this question. CROW: Now I ask you: Can he be any more evil? > She knew she has to do this on her own. She > looks back at the pilots and says, "As far as NERV are concerned, MIKE: There's more than one? TOM: These plot twists are starting to get a little predictable. > the > success of our mission relies heavily on our Evas." TOM: It relies lightly on Aoba's secret chili-dog recipe. > She sighs, and > continues, "Therefore, the safety of the pilots became top-priority on > this situation. Besides, not all of us would fit in the entry-plug. MIKE: Oh, come on. Where's their old college spirit? > Even if we do, there's the possibility that the robotic arms would > overweight, and gave way. TOM: So why not just pick them up with the arms and not bother with the plugs? CROW: Because that would make *sense,* silly. > Although our entry-plugs are equipped with > parachutes, even then we're not sure if the parachute could hold the > extra weight." CROW: [Misato] And I'm looking in your direction, Ms. I'll-Just-Eat- One-More-Slice Soryu-Langley! > "Y-You mean . . . you'll . . ." stammers the Third Child, but > he was cut short as the pilot's face appears at the monitor. TOM: Yes, but what about the rest of him? > "Commander Ikari," says the pilot, "We have reached 15,000 feet of > altitude, and the B2s and the Osprays are ready for the operation." CROW: You wouldn't believe what it takes them to get their hands clean. > The elusive commander got on the intercom, MIKE: I wouldn't call somebody who's just clambered onto an intercom "elusive." > presses the button > and replies, "Very well, proceed as planned." > "Yes sir!" exclaims the pilot. With that, the picture of the > pilot disappears from the screen. Gendo then turns to Misato, who's > now wearing a communicator head-set. TOM: Hey, can we have some continuity between shots here? > Gendo then puts on his own > head-set, as well as Ritsuko MIKE: Maybe he's starting to get a little overdressed. > who sat behind her emergency work > station. "Are the head-sets clear?" he asks. Both Misato and Ritsuko > nods in approval. TOM: [announcer voice] The new plexiglass headset--for when you want communication that almost isn't there! > "Its all under your command now, Captain Katsuragi" > he says afterwards. CROW: The ability to delegate is the mark of an effective commander. If something goes wrong--it's *her* fault. > > > Unity-1 Cargo Bay; 6:30 P.M, U.S Eastern Time > > The three Eva carriers flies closely behind Unity 1, TOM: But *inside* the cargo bay--ouch! > waiting > for the cargo bay to be opened as their signal to start the evacuation > plan. CROW: They could have just used the radio, but no, they had to toss out their trash first. > A swift little Ospray flies near one of the carriers while the > other Osprays waited some distance behind them as the pilot engaged in > a conversation. MIKE: [pilot] So... what d'you think of the Packers' chances this year? > "Good evening, my Japanese friend," says the pilot, in a > typical cheerful tone, CROW: Nice of them to get the characterisation out of the way first. > "They told us that you've got some problem up > here." TOM: [pilot] And we'll help--just so long as we don't have to help with the grammar. > "We sure did," said the pilot MIKE: And now he's talking to himself! CROW: Well, that was sort of clear from the start. > through an electronic > translator, TOM: Unwittingly producing this fanfic. > "Some damned fireballs grazed Unity-1, and we have to > evacuate a few people." > "So, where do we came in?" asked the American pilot. CROW: [pilot] You'll concentrate all the power of your mind, and teleport them to Aruba. > "Hold on! You'll get your instructions from our NERV > commander!" says the carrier pilot, and pointed to Unity 1's closed > cargo bay. TOM: I just hope whoever's listening was flying close enough to see that. MIKE: Well, they probably are using their hot-dog pilots. CROW: MAVERICK! > The lights around the cargo bay suddenly flashed red, MIKE: The Mads were about to send them their latest experiment. > and all > the pilots of the planes focused their attention TOM: Incinerating the helpless ants far below them! MIKE: Easy, Tom. > as the loading ramp > of the cargo bay slowly lowers itself, revealing five people in the > cargo bay. TOM: Science Ninja Team Gatchaman is here to save the day! CROW: Naah--it has to be the Sailor Scouts. > The first person the Ospray pilot notices is a young woman > of about 25 TOM: Oh, sure--notice the pretty woman first! CROW: She does look young for her age, though. > with long black hair which flutters violently at the > strong burst of wind, MIKE: If her hair really wants to do some damage, it shouldn't just "flutter" at the wind. > a black dress, a red jacket and a communicator > on her head. She was holding on to the cargo net as a safety > precaution. TOM: I dunno. When I'm clinging to something for dear life, I don't think I'm safe. CROW: *You* can't cling to *anything.* TOM: That's sort of the point. > Behind her were three kids, two girls and one boy, all of them > didn't seem to be any older than 14, MIKE: Even all together? CROW: It's Jim Henson's Evangelion Babies. > and were wearing plug-suits of > various colors. CROW: Shinji and the Amazing Technicolor Plugsuit! > The boy with brown hair and deep blue eyes was wearing > a white and blue plug- suit, and looked a bit nervous about the whole > thing. Next to him was a girl with long Auburn hair wearing a red > plug-suit who seemed to be very excited of the whole procession, MIKE: Everybody loves a parade. > and > next to her was another girl which was somewhat different than the > rest. She was pale white with blue hair and burning red eyes, TOM: Quick, get the Visine! CROW: The elite Evangelion Clown Division shows up to help! > wearing a > white plug-suit. She was so mysterious in her looks and in her calm, > emotionless demeanor which made the Ospray pilot wonders if she was > human at all. TOM: But if enlisting the Littlest Snowwoman would help to save humanity, then he was for it. > Next to them was a man dressed in a brown formal attire with > dark round glasses, CROW: It's Giles! MIKE: [pilot] Aw, nuts. We've flown into a Buffy fic. > creating a mysterious and foreboding atmosphere > around him. TOM: I think that every time I see someone in a brown tuxedo. > Aside from his beard and dark glasses, the man looks like > an older version of the boy in the white and blue plug-suit. The > Ospray pilot made a conclusion that the man and the boy were related > somehow, CROW: Wow, he's sharp. MIKE: It comes with being a new character in an Evangelion fanfic. > and the pilot stated, "That's some cargo Unity 1 brought with > her." > The B2 pilot nodded, and exclaimed, "Too bad we only have to > rescue three of them." CROW: [pilot] So dibs on the woman! > > > As the loading ramp lowers down, Misato could see the three > carriers lining up in a row right some distance behind their plane. TOM: Plans for the memorial flyby were well under way, just in case. > She could also make out the three Osprays, equipped with their robotic > arms, ready to follow the evacuation plan's orders. She knows then > that it's time to carry out the plan, MIKE: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights! > although she doesn't really like > what's going to happen to her and the others after the Eva Pilots have > been secured. CROW: Well, you don't really *know* yet. You could become fish food, sure--but you could also just be incinerated! > 'Commander Ikari does have a point, though,' she thinks as the > violent breeze waves her hair around, 'These children holds top > priority for this mission, and whatever happens, they must arrive on > U.S soil safely.' MIKE: They *have* to reach the gardening centre! > Her thought is disturbed by a voice from the other end of the > communicator. "The Osprays are trying to make contact with us," says > Ritsuko from the other end. TOM: Yes, but what about the voice on the *communicator's* other end? Let's be specific, here! > "Put them through, Ritsuko," she says, "And please turn on the > auto- translator so we don't have any language problem here." CROW: I think it's a little too late for that. > She could hear Ritsuko typing something on her keyboard before > she finally replies, "Auto-translate channel open." > With that, Ritsuko's voice was replaced by a man's voice. TOM: You hear about your wacky dubs, but you never think you'll actually experience one... > "Unity 1, this is Rescue-3. Do you read me?" says the voice. > "This is Unity-1, we read you loud and clear," replies Misato, > "To whom am I speaking to?" CROW: Too bad it wasn't Rescue-911. She'd be able to skip that step then. > "Lt. Daniel Johnson of the U.S Air Force, at your service," he > introduces himself. MIKE: [Johnson] Wipe your windows, ma'am? Check your oil? > He says again, "Would you mind filling me in on > the details, miss . . ." TOM: And just when did he say it before? > "Captain Misato Katsuragi, of NERV Branch 2 Japan," she > corrected, CROW: Ooh! Zing! TOM: Slap him down, Misato! > "One of our engine has been grazed by a meteorite, the same > things that attacked Earth yesterday, and we have to evacuate the Eva > Pilots immediately." MIKE: [Misato] We've got to lighten the angst a little here. > "And how are we supposed to do that, ma'am?" he says again > with a more respectful tone, probably realizing Misato's higher > degree. CROW: Yeah--take *that,* Mister B.A.! > "Listen closely," replies Misato, TOM: [pilot] How close? This close? How about this close-- CROW: CRASH! > "In a few seconds, we are > going to hatch the entry-plug from the Evas, MIKE: [pilot] Did the entry plug come from free-range EVAs? I won't accept entry plugs that don't come from free-range EVAs. > and all three of you > would each grab an entry-plug and pull it out gently from the Evas." CROW: [Misato] Otherwise, you'll be facing a harassment suit like you wouldn't believe. > "When that's done," she pushes on, "You would come close to > the cargo bay one by one, and shoved the entry plugs into the cargo > bay TOM: Ouch. So much for handling those plugs with care... > in order to allowed a pilot into their entry-plug. Then, you would > place back the entry- plug to their proper Evas and continue the drill > until all pilots are secured in their Evas. Is that clear?" MIKE: Well... not exactly. CROW: [pilot] Ma'am, you're at 15,000 feet. A parachute jump from that height is easily survivable... TOM: [Misato] DO YOU DARE QUESTION MY ORDERS? > "Yes ma'am," replies the pilot. > "Good. We will start the operation on my signal. Over and > out," she says again as she presses another button on the head-set. CROW: It's time for her easy-listening interlude. > "Ritsuko? The Osprays have received their orders," she says again. > "Right," she replies, "I'm entering the hatch command. It > would only take a second." TOM: [Ritsuko] That is, if Hyuga wasn't chewing up bandwidth with his chat halls... > Misato turned towards Gendo, and says, "Can we really do this, > commander?" > Gendo coolly fixes his glasses, and says, "We have no other > choice but to succeed, captain." MIKE: Just as he has no choice but to fix his glasses, I suppose. > As Misato nodded in approval, Ritsuko's voice could be heard > on the head-set. "There," she says, "The entry-plugs have been > hatched. They're all yours, Misato." CROW: Given as how she's already taking care of a penguin, I don't see why she wouldn't want three hatched plugs... > Misato nodded, presses a button on the head-set, and says, > "Lt. Johnson, begin evacuation!" > TOM: Stay tuned for more of Neon Genesis Enema! > > "Alright boys, you heard the lady," says the lieutenant to the > other Ospray pilots, "Move out!" With that, the Osprays quickly > spreads out, and each got behind the carriers. CROW: These Osprays must be made of Silly Putty. TOM: When each one can get behind several carriers? It's possible. > When they saw the > entry-plug sticking out from the back of the Evas, they quickly turned > on the Auto-pilot, and switched on controlling the robotic hands. MIKE: [pilot] You controlled the robotic hands last time--it's my turn now! TOM: [pilot] All right, all right, we'll switch. > The three small planes worked as hard as bees for their hive, CROW: And the NERV crew was soon presented with sweet, sweet honey. > for it doesn't take long before all the entry-plugs were soon in the > clutches of their robotic arms. TOM: Yeah, I sort of see how getting the plugs quickly makes them like bees... > "This is Rescue-3, all entry-plugs > have been safely ejected," says the lieutenant, "Rescue-1 is coming > your way with the entry plug for the blue Eva, Captain." MIKE: Rescue-2 is holding out for a speaking role. > "Roger that, Lieutenant!" she replies. She then turns towards > Rei and says, "Rei, you know what to do." The girl nodded in approval. TOM: ...And promptly launched into a rendition of "New York, New York." CROW: Deadpan, of course. > Not long afterwards, one of the swift Osprays arrived CROW: No wonder it's fast--it got there in the past tense! > while > carrying the entry-plug in the clutches of its hands. Swaying to and > fro, it manages to align itself with the gaping cargo bay. Then, it > gently shoves the plug into the cargo bay, TOM: Tonight, on Disturbing Imagery Theatre. > enough for the pilot to > reach the cockpit of the plug without taking the risk of falling off > the plane. MIKE: I guess they shouldn't have polished the cargo bay for that big ballroom dance then. > As they all make way for the plug, ALL: Make way! Make way! The plug is coming! > Misato contacts Ritsuko > again. "Ritsuko," she says, "The plug for Eva-00 is here!" As a reply, > the hatch instantly slides open. TOM: Ritsuko is experimenting with communicating without words. > "Okay Rei, go!" she commands to her, and Rei quickly got into > the cockpit and secure herself on the seat. Then, the hatch slides > shut and Misato gives a signal to the pilot to take back the > entry-plug. CROW: It's just a little too small, that's all. > The little plane quickly complies by gently taking out the > entry-plug out of the cargo bay, and flew off towards the carrier of > Eva-00. MIKE: It's The Little Plane That Could. BOTS: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can... > As it reaches the carrier, it gently aligns itself with the > back of the Eva and carefully slides the plug into the Eva. TOM: Once the display phase is complete, the Evangelion accepts the offering of the entry plug... > As it > releases its robotic hands, the plug automatically screws itself into > the Eva, and closes the hatch shut. CROW: Ah, the entry plug. Faithful, automatic, and conscientious. > "Captain Katsuragi, this is Rescue-1. The hatch has been > safely replaced," says the pilot. > "Good job!" she replies. She then switches to Ritsuko and > exclaims, "Rei is in! I repeat, Rei is in!" CROW: Popular girl. TOM: There *are* reasons why. > From the communicator, she > could hear Ritsuko, Maya, Hyuga and Aoba confirms the contact. TOM: They must be unionised to need all four of them to chip in. MIKE: Well, Hyuga and Aoba get the short end of the stick so often in these fanfics. > "Hatch status: green," says Maya. > "LCL is injected," says Aoba. CROW: Evaspotting! > "Sync Ratio: 60%," says Hyuga. > "Neural connection is normal. So far so good, Misato," says > Ritsuko. > Misato sighs in satisfaction, switches the channel to the > Osprays again, TOM: Channel-hopper! > and commands, "Bring another entry-plug! CROW: [Misato] My cravings must be satisfied! > We have to > evacuate the Children as soon as possible!" > > > Shinji nervously steps into the entry-plug. "A-Are you sure > this is okay, Misato?" he exclaims nervously. He gets in and secures > himself on the seat. TOM: What? He didn't do *that* nervously? > "It's alright, Shinji," says Misato, trying to comfort the > nervous child, "Rei and Asuka got through okay. MIKE: Yep--Rescue-2 is definitely the uncelebrated hero here. > You should be the same > too. Trust me." With that final word, the hatch slides shut and Misato > orders her commands to the pilot. CROW: [Misato] And this time, I want eggroll! > "All clear, Rescue-3! Proceed as > planned, and thank you for your help!" she exclaims through her > communicator. Lt. Johnson gives her a thumb up, TOM: He would have given her a hand up, but his time's valuable. > and gently carries > back the entry-plug and slides it into Eva-01. > "How's the reading?" she asks to Ritsuko. CROW: [Ritsuko] I can't put this latest book down. > "All systems are normal, except that the Third Child's sync > ratio is down to 57%," replies Ritsuko, TOM: What's wrong with that? It's only three percent lower than Rei's. MIKE: Synch ratios count for a *lot* in these fanfics, Tom. Trust me. > "Other than that, it's all > normal." > Misato smiles, and replies, "It's okay, Ritsuko. He's just a > little nervous, that's all." MIKE: [Misato] Given how many times he was described that way... > "Aren't we all?" replies Ritsuko bitterly. TOM: [Misato] Well, now we're getting into philosophy. > Misato sighs, and replies, "I'll talk to the Commander on what > are we going to do next. CROW: [Misato] Hopefully, it'll involve a keg party. > Over and out!" MIKE: [Misato] See you later, alligator! TOM: [Ritsuko] In a while, crocodile. > She turns off her > communicator, and turns towards the silent commander who was looking > out at the three Eva carriers as the three small Osprays flies away. TOM: Typical. They finish their job, and suddenly they can't get away fast enough. > "What're we going to do now, commander?" she asks in a bitter tone. MIKE: [Gendo] Organise a glee club meeting. > Without looking at her, he replies, "Now, we wait . . ." TOM: Ironic, isn't it? They're going out elevator-style. > At that, Gendo's head-set beeps and he presses a button. > "Yes?" he says. > "Sir," says Ritsuko on the other end, "I have a plan that you > might interests you . . ." CROW: [Ritsuko] First, you sign up twenty of your friends... > > > Gendo and Aoba struggles to open the front emergency exit, and > as they twist the final lock to the exit, the door flings open and > flies off with the strong current of wind. TOM: Brother. They can't get rid of their engines, but they can't keep their doors! > Out of the now gaping exit, > they could see another airplane, MIKE: The Spirit of St. Louis! CROW: The Sea Duck! TOM: An XB-70 Valkyrie! > a military cargo plane, flying next > to Unity-1 with its cargo bay open and several military personnel > standing by. TOM: Even over the Pacific, you can't escape from rubberneckers. > The cargo plane was supposedly flying from Pensacola to > California to pick up a cargo, CROW: But was really flying to Tijuana for take-out. > but on the way they managed to receive > the distress signal that Ritsuko had ordered the pilot to broadcast to > any nearby airplanes. MIKE: And to Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. > Realizing the severity of the situation, the > cargo plane quickly aborted its current mission, and turned around > towards Unity-1. The plan was to evacuate all Unity-1's passengers and > pilots by attaching a steel cable on the plane where they could reach > it. TOM: That's their plan? Why didn't they think of it thirty minutes ago? CROW: What, and have Shinji get off without being tormented by guilt? TOM: I suppose so. > Then, the passengers and pilots would be transported one by one to > the cargo plane by attaching them to a small device that would slide > them towards safety. CROW: I'm not quite sure how a Veg-O-Matic will get them to safety. > When the last person has been transported, the > cable would be cut loose and the cargo plane would fly them to safety > while the Unity-1 has no choice but to sink in the ocean. MIKE: Oh, couldn't it choose to explode in a tremendous fireball? TOM: If it was in a more kinetic anime, perhaps. > Right now, they could see a soldier, attached to a steel > cable, being lowered to their plane. CROW: This save comes to you courtesy of Super-Marionation! > Slowly but sure, the soldier > glides closer to the gaping exit as his life depends entirely to the > strength of the cable. TOM: But it's always the little things that get you. > When the soldier finally reaches the plane, > Gendo and Aoba quickly grab him CROW: [Gendo] Don't worry--everyone goes through this initiation! > and pull him in. The soldier then > quickly ties the steel cable on a hinge, TOM: But wait, is that a granny knot? > and hands them a vest which > looks like a bullet vest MIKE: "Bullet" vest? CROW: So much for the cable. They'll shoot them out of a *cannon* to get them on that cargo plane! > with many large clamps on them. > "Wear these tightly CROW: [soldier] And wear them proudly! > by clamping the steel locks on the side!" > says the soldier loudly, trying to overcome the loud whirring sound of > the wind, TOM: Actually, that's Rei's pinwheel. > "When you are done, I will attach you to the cable and > slides you over! The people on the other side will then unattached > you! TOM: Oh, and *now* it's past tense. > When they do, move in and make way for the next person! Any > questions?!" As the party finishes putting on the vests, TOM: The filmmakers would like to thank the US Department of Defence, Proctor-Gamble, and the Gap. > the soldier > exclaims, "Okay, who's going first?!" > With that, Gendo points to Unity-1's pilots, who have set the > plane to fly on auto-pilot. CROW: He must be getting rid of the deadweight first in case the cable breaks. Yeah, that's the ticket. > As the pilots are being attached to the > cable, Gendo turns to his staff and says, "Who's going next?" > Ritsuko replies, "Whoever you wish to go first, commander." TOM: [Gendo] Okay--*I'll* go first. > The commander smiles at his brave crew, and watches as the > pilots were being received on the cargo plane. MIKE: The social function of the season was just getting started. > "Alright, we have to > move quick! Next!" says the soldier, and with that, Gendo points to > the three command personnel. TOM: Maybe that's it. Maybe he's moving the less keenly characterised people out of the way to keep interest up. > When the three of them have been received on the cargo plane, > Gendo then points to Ritsuko and Misato. Ritsuko, the eager of the > two, CROW: [Ritsuko] Oh, boy! I get to slide down a *cable!* > steps near exit as the soldier straps her to the cable. As she > slides towards the other plane and was received safely, MIKE: Aww! Here she was all eager, and now it's over before it started. > Misato quickly > got to the gaping entrance, and the soldier quickly attaches her to > the cable. Although she didn't really like the idea, CROW: She still preferred her own idea of making wings out of three-ring binders and flying over. > she realizes > there is no other option, TOM: Why can't failure be an option, just once in a while? > and with that she slides herself to the > cargo plane. > When Misato reaches the plane, the soldier then turns to Gendo > and exclaims, "It's your turn, sir! MIKE: Say, what about his fiendish plan of getting all the minor characters off the plane first? TOM: What? You don't think the soldier is one of the most keenly characterised and memorable people in this thing? > Once you get to the other side, > tell them to cut the wire! CROW: [Gendo] But I was going to send a kiss by it... > We're dropping too fast, we don't have > enough time to transport another person!" MIKE: Say, what about the autopilot? TOM: I guess they shouldn't have sent the stokers over already. > "What about you?!" says Gendo. TOM: Wow. He cares. > "I have a parachute and an emergency raft! I'm fine sir!" he > replies. MIKE: He comes with the accessory pack. > "You better go first then!" he says. When the soldier nods and > is about to jump out, Gendo calls out, "Soldier!" When the soldier > turns, Gendo exclaims, CROW: [Gendo] Made you look! > "Thank you!" and salutes to him. The soldier > salutes back, turns around and then jumps out. CROW: Right about now, we should be seeing a comical cascade of picnic supplies pouring out of the soldier's pack. TOM: [Gendo] *Sucker...* > Gendo could see some > distance away MIKE: [Gendo] And that cloud looks like a puffy lamb... > as the soldier inflates his parachute CROW: And then opens his life raft. > and drifts along > the wind. > Gendo then quickly attaches himself, and is about to slide > over when suddenly the plane drops its altitude. TOM: That's one butterfingered plane. > The cable that was > attached to the hinge yanks the hinge, and Gendo along with it. MIKE: Yes, but what about the hinge? > "Father!!" Shinji exclaims in sheer terror as he sees Gendo flies off > the plane, CROW: [Shinji] He made it! *Rats!* > surprised that he had even the slightest care for his cold > and inattentive father. CROW: Boy, wouldn't it be great to have a son like Shinji? You can ignore him and treat him like dirt, and he still keeps crawling back for more! MIKE: Uh--I'm going to have a little talk with you after this is over. > As Unity-1 drops down, Gendo glides in the air with the steel > cable still firmly attached to his vest. ALL: [singing] He soars through the air with the greatest of ease, The amazing dumb man on the flying trapeze! > Instinctively, Gendo held on > to the steel cable with both of his hands as hard as he could, for he > knew that his life depends on it. TOM: Yep, instinct's pretty coherent when it has to be. > For the first time in his life, > Gendo experiences something that was very odd to him: CROW: The wind down his pants. > panic and fear. > Fortunately, he was too well trained not to show his weakness that his > iron mask of the resolute and determined commander never left him for > even a moment in the face of danger. MIKE: So, his secret weakness is... to never show emotion? TOM: It's a New Age kind of crisis. > Many thoughts rage in Misato's mind. CROW: She really felt like waffles. But she also craved the crisp, cold taste of beer. > Here she sees the cold > and ruthless commander who has hurt so many people, although he > himself doesn't realize it, TOM: Oh, I think he knows. He just doesn't *care,* that's all. > with his life hanging on a thread. A part > of her wishes that the cable would snap off, CROW: Yes, the pancreas wants what it wants. > plunging the unknowing > tyrant into oblivion forever, and ending all the pain and suffering he > has caused with his prescious Eva Project. TOM: [Misato] Oh, and sorry for stepping on you with an EVA. But hey, Gendo fell in the ocean, so everything's okay now! > But, another part, perhaps her sanity, reminds her that they > would not have survived this long if it wasn't for Gendo. MIKE: It also reminded her that he signs her pay slips. CROW: Now *that's* sanity. > Gendo and > his leadership, which was harsh but somewhat effective, CROW: I wouldn't buy dishwashing liquid endorsed like that, much less leadership! > have so far > bought humanity some time to cheat total elimination. MIKE: Now they'll try taking out the goalie. > His Evas, his > and not NERV's, have prevented the Third Impact from happening up to > now. CROW: And if he can't prevent it, he's taking his EVAs and going home. > At least, until the giant Angel appeared . . . > Misato quickly reaches the control for the steel cable, and > entered the command to retract the cable in. TOM: As opposed to retracting the cable out. > She then turns around, > points to the soldiers, and exclaims, "All of you, try to help pull in > the cable! Go, quickly!" MIKE: What about the NERV staff? TOM: They'll start singing ancient sea chanteys to speed the job. > With that, the soldiers quickly comply by forming a single > file, CROW: And rasping through the cell bars with it to make their getaway! > and each takes hold of the steel cable. As Misato enters the > final command on the panel, she turns around and exclaims, "Ready?!" > "Yes ma'am!!" cries out the soldier in unison. MIKE: Hey, a one-man show! > Misato hits the > enter button, turns to the soldier and exclaims, "Pull!!" TOM: Then, she grabs her skeet-shooting rifle. > With that, > the engine and the soldiers begin their tug-of-war against the wind to > save the life of the resolute commander. CROW: But remember, in a noncompetition sport like tug of war--it's not whether you win or lose, but whether you have a good time! > Slowly but sure, Gendo is being pulled in towards the cargo > plane. Misato watches as Gendo draws nearer towards the cargo bay. TOM: Wait, I'm confused. Where's he headed? > The > commander's grip on the cable grows tighter as the crew of the plane > tries to save him by pulling him in. MIKE: In the meantime, the pilotless plane is plunging towards the ocean. TOM: What about the autopilot? MIKE: Well, considering how well the *last* one worked... > He mutters a silent curse, for he > really hated being trapped in a situation where he has no control over TOM: --His bladder. MIKE: Hey! > it. He also curses himself, for letting himself being overcome by fear > and panic a few moments ago. > As the elusive commander is being pulled in to the plane, CROW: Not so elusive now, is he? > as > cheers of happiness could be heard on the cargo plane, the > B2-Fortresses and from inside the Evas, MIKE: As the soundtrack swells, and the audience rises to their feet! CROW: Heading for the exits? TOM: Not us, sorry. > Misato sees that Gendo's iron > mask of determination is starting to wear off, and was replaced by > another thing: TOM: Mascara, and lots of it. > human emotion. She could see clearly that the commander > was shivering inside like a frightened cat, CROW: Misato: The Girl With the X-Ray Eyes! > although he tried to cover > it by congratulating Misato and the soldiers in his casual manner. TOM: [Gendo] Yeah, whatever, thanks for saving my bacon... > Misato eyed the elusive commander CROW: There's those super-senses again. > who is sitting down on the > floor, huddled by a warm cloak TOM: But not *in* it. MIKE: It's a *security* cloak. > and taking a sip of warm coffee. She > thought to herself, 'For a moment, the cold Commander Ikari died, CROW: One moment of happiness... that's all she asked for. > and > was replaced by Ikari Gendo, the human who have finally figured out > fear and safety, MIKE: Fear... dangling from a steel cable. Safety... drinking warm coffee. Yeah, got it. > something he has never known for years until today.' > As she continues on watching the commander who was still drinking his > warm coffee and trying to calm himself, TOM: But there's no need to hurry on *her* account. > she smiles and thought, > 'Welcome home, Ikari Gendo. Welcome home to the human world.' CROW: And ironically enough, his luggage has been lost. > > > To Be Continued TOM: So, to sum this part up: Everyone goes to America. > > > Author's Note: Many of you Evangelion die-hard fans would certainly > noticed the changes of personalities I've made for a > few characters in this fanfic. MIKE: Actually, you kind of begin to expect that after a while. > Don't fling those N2 > Bombs at me just yet, TOM: Wait for the *next* chapter! > because I really need to make > those changes in order to make the story works. CROW: I'm wondering how a mortal fear of silly string will drive the next plot point. > Although I basically have the story all figured out, TOM: Except for just where in the cracker aisle the characters will shop before liftoff... > if > you have some suggestions in order to make this fanfic > even better, CROW: You're leaving yourself wide open there, you know... > mail me at artemis156@hotmail.com. Flames > will be ignored (Don't you have anything better to do > than writing those junk?). MIKE: For, after all, when you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all. CROW: Is that a veiled directive? MIKE: Well, think of it as a suggestion to get out of here. TOM: That's a directive enough for me! > [Mike picks up Tom, and follows Crow out of the theatre.] [...1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL bridge. Gypsy is behind the desk as Mike wanders in. He glances around, and seems to notice something.] MIKE: Say, Gypsy. Have you seen Crow and Tom? GYPSY: Just for a second. They seemed to be in an awful hurry to get somewhere-- [With a sudden BANG!, the lights start flashing and clouds of confetti are blown across the bridge.] GYPSY: [frightened] Mike! The hatch has blown! Quick, get into your space suit! MIKE: [shouting] Space suit? Do we have any? GYPSY: Check the broom closet! [Struggling against the high winds, Mike staggers off to stage left. A moment later, Tom and Crow enter from stage right, apparently in high spirits.] GYPSY: Guys! You've got to help! The hatch has blown, and we're losing all our air! TOM: [loudly, but cheerfully] Yep! We know. CROW: [ditto] It's exactly as we planned! GYPSY: Well, boast about it later-- [double take] --WHAT? [There's a loud crash, and a beach ball bounces in front of the desk.] MIKE: [off screen] Gypsy! I can't find the space suit! CROW: Keep looking, Mike! It's bound to turn up! TOM: [to Gypsy] You see, we've arranged this little crisis to have Mike break out of his shell. He'll figure out fear and safety, and rejoin the human race. GYPSY: Uh... Tom? TOM: Oh, don't worry, Gypsy. He's got a while to go yet! MIKE: [relieved] I found it! [after a pause] Aaugh! It's filled with *popcorn!* [Handfuls of popped popcorn begin to join the blowing confetti.] CROW: You getting a handle on how a cold, unfeeling attitude doesn't really help, Mike? GYPSY: Guys... TOM: No more ruthlessly ignoring your fellow beings to pursue your dark projects for you! GYPSY: Guys! CROW: What's the matter, Gypsy? TOM: I mean, our plan is perfect for disrupting a darkly complex personality... CROW: Hey, wait a minute! TOM: Heh-heh. Boy, are our faces red... GYPSY: You guys are impossible! I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place! [She leaves in a huff. Crow and Tom look at each other, and the wind dies down. A moment later, there's a loud thump, and Mike staggers in from stage left. He's half-dressed in what looks like a white snowmobile suit draped with vacuum cleaner hose. Popcorn spills out of it as he walks.] TOM: Uh, I hope you won't take this too personally, Mike. CROW: Let's not focus *too* hard on revenge. TOM: But hey--if that happens, we can just set the air conditioner on fire! Now *there's* an instructive crisis! [Mike just groans. The commercial light flashes.] CROW: We'll be right back. [Moving automatically, Mike slaps the commercial light.] [commercials]