[Mike enters the theatre and puts Tom in his seat. Crow follows them.] > Judgment Day > By Artemis > > > Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is a copyright of Gainax co. MIKE: Gainaxco, for all your Gainax needs. CROW: Including the Bounce. *Rrrowr!* TOM: [suspicious] Just how many of my tapes have you been watching, Crow? CROW: Well, I didn't touch the Coronation Street tapes. > Elements of this fanfic are inspired by the movie > "Armageddon" by Touchstones Pictures. CROW: Other elements are inspired by those granola bars with the cream cheese and fruit fillings. > Most of the > characters in this fanfic are owned by Gainax co., so > please don't sue me! MIKE: "Most of the characters aren't original." That's a sure defence for a fanfic if I ever heard one... > > Part 4 > > A sharp wind blew on Shinji's face as he looked around on the > alien landscape. TOM: Boise? > 'W-Where am I?' he thought, 'What is this place?' CROW: Yep, it's definitely Boise. MIKE: What is it with you and Boise? TOM: Well, it's either that or the Bronx. > He was standing on top of a hill, with the scenery below him > completely covered in a silvery color; MIKE: He's struck it rich! No, wait, it's discarded gum wrappers. > a barren desert which glints > silver at the touch of sunlight. CROW: Because having it glint gold would just be confusing. > Suddenly, giant crosses mysteriously appear below him on the > silver desert. TOM: So, in summary: silver. Oh, and giant crosses, too. > He tried to focused on the crosses, and horror seized > him as he realized there were people crucified on the crosses; people > that he knew well. CROW: Oh, good. We've wandered into one of Terry Brooks's Nest Freemark novels. > "M-Misato-san . . . A-Ayanami . . . Asuka . . ." he called to > them in a choked whisper, "Toji . . . Kensuke . . . Ritsuko-san . . ." TOM: Surprisingly enough, there *is* a line between disturbing religious symbolism and the just plain disturbing. MIKE: It's like we've kept wandering, into the last reel of "Spartacus." > A larger cross appears, and a familiar face in black and white > plug-suit was crucified there. "A-Adam . . ." Shinji choked, TOM: Hmmph. You'd think that Jesus guy would get the larger cross. > as he > gazed horrified at the battered figure. CROW: "Gleefully" was misspelled, but I think we'll let it slide... aw, forget it. > Adam slowly lifts his battered face and called out to him, > "Shinji . . . h-help . . ." MIKE: Hey. Way back in the first part, didn't the angel say that only Shinji had the power to save the world? CROW: Well, at least he's got to save Adam. That *sort* of counts. > Gendo suddenly appears in front of Adam's cross, holding a device > in his hand. TOM: I'm not sure how an ice cream maker will further Gendo's nefarious plans, but I'm willing to wait and see... > "Father . . . ?" Shinji called to him. > Gendo slightly turns his cold gaze towards his son, and turns > back ignoring him. MIKE: Good grief. Somebody get these two some candy! TOM: Or some fast food. That *always* works for intergenerational family bonding! > He lifted the remote control-like device, and > pressed it. CROW: Why... Gendo's providing the electronic friend *television* for Shinji! He really *is* a good father after all! > As a response, a bright white light appeared in the > horizon, and traveled as quick as lightning towards him. MIKE: Which, after all, is pretty impressive for mere *light.* > "Father?! W-What . . . Uwaaaah!" he cried as he felt the bright > light enveloped and devoured him . . . TOM: AHH! IT'S THE CRISIS! THE ANTI-MONITOR IS COMING TO KILL THEM ALL! > > > Shinji wakes up with a start when his alarm clock goes off. CROW: Wow, good timing. TOM: Not that anyone would naturally wake up after being devoured by bright light, of course... > Hurriedly, he shuts it off, and slowly sits back on his bedside. > 'Another strange dream,' he thought, 'What does it all supposed to > mean?. . .' MIKE: New pilots, after all, are generally able to at least take care of themselves. > > > Kennedy Space Center, 2nd Day Launch Preparations; TOM: The disturbing religious symbolism is getting a little jumbled here. These people rested on the *first* day. MIKE: Well, getting used to a new pilot who looks like a refugee from Gundam Wing *and* happens to be the son of the President is a challenging task in itself. > 8.15 A.M > Adam paces around on the helicopter landing-pad nervously. CROW: Ah--here's the "Choplifter" crossover. > 'Where could they be?' he thought, 'They're already quarter an hour > late!' TOM: You know, I bet somebody could assemble a pretty good fanfic with all the words left out of this one... > His thoughts was disturbed a familiar thumping sound of > propellers. MIKE: Well, I'd call that thought "disturbed." > He turns around in time to see the red U.N helicopter TOM: I guess the ever-popular black helicopters finally went out of style. > as > it slowly came into view from the morning sky. Adam's frown was > replaced by a cheerful smile, MIKE: And the retooling of the series continues apace. > and he waved excitedly at the > approaching helicopter. His white shirt CROW: Aaw, what about his ever-popular pink shirt? TOM: Well, he was in a *private* audience when he was wearing it. He can't take *too* many chances. > and black pants flutters > along with the gust of wind that the propellers create. TOM: They were bound for Mexico--but they'll return in the summer. It's all part of the wonder of nature! > > > "G-Good m-morning, Adam-kun. H-how you are?" > Adam blinks at the boy, but then smiles knowingly. "Fine thanks, > Shinji-kun!" he says, "But, I think it would be a lot better if you > put this on" With that, he hands him the communicator. MIKE: Now come on! "How you are" wasn't any worse than any of the other glitches around here. TOM: Ah, but Adam doesn't want to press his Japanese any further than he has to. > Shinji > blushes and takes it. CROW: You know, someone with a dirty mind and some reasonable knowledge of anime could get a *lot* of distance out of that. TOM: And yet, it's just too easy. MIKE: So we'll just let it slide. > "How are you, Asuka?" he says as he turns towards the auburn- > haired girl. > "Do me a favor, will you? Don't talk to me!" she snarls, MIKE: Ouch. First she won't talk to Adam, and now she won't talk to *Shinji!* CROW: Maybe it's a subtle protest against their growing friendship. > as she > stares at the elevator's floor indicator, impatient to get away from > this cheerfully-annoying American. CROW: Oh, come on! Where's the fun in complaining about him when we're *told* what his problem is? > "Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed today," he > whispers to Shinji through his communicator. TOM: More like the wrong side of the *planet.* CROW: I'm not sure the Earth is big enough for Asuka and Adam. MIKE: I suppose that's why they're leaving it. > Shinji nods. "Asuka was still mad at you" > "Is it about yesterday? The time when I nearly hit her?" TOM: [Adam] She's going to hold *that* against me? Geez, what a grouch. > Shinji shakes his head. "She forgives you about that one, but > she was still mad about you being an Eva pilot" CROW: I hesitate to say this, but I'm starting to think there are some inverted priorities around here. MIKE: Now, Crow... You know that people almost hit other people with motorcycles every day. But new pilots... they only turn up every fanfic. > Adam doesn't reply. He only looks towards Asuka's direction with > a look of concern on his face. 'Asuka, what's wrong with you?. . .' TOM: [Adam] Why won't running people over *count* for anything any more? > > > Main Briefing Room, Floor B5; 9.15 A.M > ". . .and that was our plan to destroy the Angel" said Gendo as > he takes his seat, concluding his speech on NERV's plan. CROW: [Gendo] Unfortunately, the speech took so long, it won't work any more. Good knowing you! > Personally, > he really hates making long speeches, but he gathered that it was > necessary for this occasion. MIKE: If he bores them enough, then maybe they won't notice how the budget for the operation includes a new office suite for him. > All of NASA's officials and the high Generals of Pentagon seated > on the table were silent. TOM: And the ones in the chairs weren't saying anything, either. > A minute or two passes before an official > stands up and says, "This sounds rather crazy, desperate, and very > expensive. MIKE: [official] Pick two out of three, and get back to us. > Haven't NERV faced this type of problem twice, both of > which they were successful in handling them?" TOM: Twice? I thought an Angel had only dropped out of space once before. CROW: Congratulations! You've just discovered their secret plan to see if the officials were paying attention. TOM: But *they* didn't notice it. MIKE: Then I guess Gendo will get his office suite after all. > This time, Misato stands up. "This case is rather special, sir, > because our central-computer, MAGI, has confirmed that the new Angel > possessed four times greater of an AT-Field than those other Angels" > she says through her communicator. CROW: Ah, now I get it! The communicators replace the words everyone else leaves out. > "Weapons and tactics that we have > used to defeat the other two similar Angels would be useless on this > one" TOM: Plus, there's the little point of where you *put* a Germany-sized silver Angel once you've caught it. > "Also," she pushes on, "May I remind you gentlemen that the > defeat of the those two Angels were not without major casualties. MIKE: "Casualties?" She just said the secret word! > This is the best plan we could come up with without having the risk of > losing more lives in our effort" TOM: Of course, if they *did* want to accept casualties, they could try an absolutely foolproof plan where they do nothing, and accept full casualties. > The official doesn't say anything else, and slowly takes his > seat. 'Well, THAT certainly opened their eyes' she thought. CROW: Leave it to Misato to find her entertainment in geopolitics. Mention casualties, and watch those squeamish Americans jump! > A general stood up. "What about the pilot's condition? Could > they physically and mentally endure this rather special task?" > Ritsuko whips out a notepad and says, TOM: What? No lengthy preliminaries? I'm disappointed. > "The pilots have undergone > the required physical and mental tests at 0830 hour, and tests shows > that they are physically and mentally able enough to carry out the > operation" CROW: Well, I'd bet a lot of patients would be glad for a forty-five minute physical *and* psychological test... TOM: But so much for the training montage. > 'With Asuka as an exception, that is,' thought the now seated > Misato, MIKE: I guess she shouldn't have said the blank sheet of paper was upside down. > 'I better have a talk with her before we go on . . .' > > > Special Area B-10: EVA Cages; 9:15 A.M > "T-This is . . ." says Shinji in awe. > "Yep, this is my Eva: Eva-03" Adam says, with a proud tone. > Shinji gazed unbelievingly at the elusive Eva: MIKE: After all, it took us long enough to get to see it. > it was painted > with a basic white with streaks of red, yellow, and blue all over its > armor. TOM: It's a custom paint job, paint-bomb style! > The extra armor on its arms, legs, lower and upper body > reminds Shinji of a robot in a classic cartoon series CROW: What, exactly, is the point of making it look like Astro Boy? MIKE: Maybe the Angels will laugh themselves to death when they see it. > he had seen when > he was young: Gundam Wing. TOM: Oh. *Brother.* MIKE: ...I'll just assume it looks out of place, and leave it at that. TOM: You do that, Mike. You do that. CROW: Guess 'ol Bandai is calling the shots for Gainax now... > Its face looks almost like those of > Eva-00, MIKE: The Three Faces of EVA? > in exception of two sharp, yellow eyes instead of a singular, > round one. Its overall breathtaking appearance makes Shinji says the > words he has never uttered on an Eva before: "I-It's beautiful . . ." TOM: And let's just hope he never utters them again--on *or* off! CROW: [Shinji] It's *merchandisable!* > "Thanks!" says Adam, "And that's not all." He points to a giant > device attached to the back of his Eva. MIKE: Which lets him provide frosty drinks for everyone! > "See that?" he says, "That's > called a 'Combat Pack'. TOM: Oh, great. He's buying the accessories, too. > It works like a backpack for my Eva: it holds > a beam cannon, a beam saber, and a jet thruster on it. MIKE: Too bad, Adam. You *almost* went three for three. > What's more, > the Combat Pack has a built in solar-energy emitter in it, so that it CROW: [Adam] ...Provides even suntans for the maintenance crew. > could help the Eva's batteries stay active for two hours without an > umbilical cord. TOM: [Adam] I can draw the drama out of any cordless confrontation until even an Angel gets bored and goes home! Keen, huh? > I guess your Evas would have the backpack installed > in two days". MIKE: What? They actually get the extra gimmicks of *his* special EVA? TOM: Well, their EVAs are still stuck with their waifish Calvin Klein-esque appearance. He's still the only one with the chunky, easy-to-balance proportions. MIKE: I suppose we have to take our consolations where we find them. > During his explanation, Shinji stood mesmerized at unit 03 CROW: Yeah, that's Shinji for you. Show him some crossover bait, and watch him gape! TOM: We should count ourselves lucky it wasn't shiny to boot. > while > Rei reverts back to her usual cold expression. MIKE: Ouch. Even Rei reacted to it! TOM: But at least we weren't told *how* she reacted. I'm pulling for disbelief, anger, rage... all those *good* emotions. > "Hmph, what's so good about it?" Asuka's remark quickly turns > everyone's attention towards her. CROW: Whoa. Adam needed to *show* his Gundam EVA to get people's attention. *She* just had to *insult* it! > "My Eva-02 has been in active > combat for 9 full month without those stupid battle packs, TOM: Ah, but that's the problem. Sales are going flat--they *have* to add accessories now! > and it's a > whole lot better than this one" she says. > "Uh?" is all that Adam can say. MIKE: Flustered by a *regular* character? And he calls himself a new pilot! > "You heard me!" she snaps. > This time, Adam can't hold back anymore. CROW: The little President's room is right down the hall... > "Listen, you! I'm > getting sick and tired of your 'high-and-mighty' attitude! TOM: [Adam] Try and learn from *my* casually superior attitude! > Since > we're all in this together as a team, I suggest you do us all a favor > and just drop it!" > Asuka smirks. "Who's gonna' make me?" MIKE: What? The righteous anger of the new pilot *doesn't* make Asuka reform? It doesn't even upset her? CROW: This is a red-letter-day! > Adam was about to retaliate TOM: Adam, I'm not really sure tears will have much effect on her... > when suddenly sirens blares and all > the red emergency light in the cage flashes. "What was that?" he > says, "What's going on?" CROW: But, despite everything, it's nice to see Adam fitting in with the general mood. > > > "What's going on?" asks Misato to one of the NASA officials as > all the representatives from NASA and Pentagon empties the room > hurriedly. MIKE: [official] We've got us an old-fashioned bucket brigade, sister! > "An emergency! The alarms are triggered by one of our special > satellites in orbit!" TOM: As opposed to the ordinary satellites in the warehouse. > he replies, "We could find out more in the > control room!" > Misato is about to follow him when he realizes that all of the > NERV representatives are still seated. MIKE: And poor Misato bumps into his back. > "Sir?" she says to Gendo, > "Aren't we going?" CROW: [Gendo] Not until Simon says. > "We already know what it is, captain" he replies in his cold > manner without looking back to her. MIKE: You do have to wonder how intimidating he is when he keeps addressing his comments to the walls. > "An Angel attack . . ." says Ritsuko solemnly as she lifts her > cup and sips her coffee. TOM: But at least she's got her coffee! > > > NASA Command Center; 9:20 A.M > When the NERV representatives arrives at the command center, they > found an all too familiar atmosphere: CROW: Who would have guessed that both NERV and NASA enjoy garlic pizza? > people shouting off data from > their computer screen, MIKE: It looks like their voice-activated computers need a little more work. > and a large computer screen animating the > descent of an unidentified object to Earth. TOM: Tch, tch. Gratuitous computer graphics. CROW: Wave of the future, Tommy boy! But if *you* want to feel miserable, that's fine with me. > "Feels like home . . ." utters Fuyutsuki. > " . . .And not a good one, either" says Misato. CROW: Hmmph! Catch him saying anything reassuring again. > She quickly > rushes to a personnel's workspace and says to her, "What's the > status?" MIKE: ["personnel"] Well, since I'm the janitor, the floors on Levels Three through Five have just been waxed... > Without looking, the staff replies quickly through her > communicator, "Hercules-1 has confirmed an unidentified object at 0915 > hour descending into our atmosphere. 2 miles in diameter, TOM: Why, that's not the size of Germany! CROW: It's not even the size of Berlin. MIKE: But hey--it's conveniently dinosaur killer size! > it is > moving at 100 miles-per-hour. We are expecting impact in 3 minutes" CROW: That's one slow death rock. MIKE: I'm not expecting this to be over any time soon. > "Where is it heading?" asks Misato. > "Calculations has showed that it would fall somewhere in the > Pacific" TOM: But as for exactly where--well, it's just water. > The staff's face was pale as she read the next set of data, > "Wait a minute! What the-? It stopped!" CROW: [Misato] I know what the story's done! What about the object? > "What?!" > "I-It stopped 1,000 feet above the Pacific! I-It just stopped!" > Misato steps back from the console, and turns around to face > Gendo. MIKE: The story may have congealed, but at least the characters can move. > "Sir?" > He gives her a nod. TOM: The death rock was obliging. Why shouldn't he be, as well? > Misato understands, and steps up to the > female crew again. MIKE: In fact, the story's turning into directions for a ballet. > "Could you connect my comm to the communication > system of this room?" she asks her. In reply, the crew punches in a > few commands on her console. TOM: Sounds like somebody's been downsizing again. > She turns back at Misato and says, "It's > all yours, ma'am!" CROW: And it's karaoke night at the KSC! Woo-hoo! > She nods in conformation TOM: And here I thought she could stand up against peer pressure... > and speaks through her communicator, > "Attention, NASA personnel! This jurisdiction is now under NERV > command under article B-10, section AS-14. MIKE: [Fuyutsuki] Actually, that's section AS-15. You've just authorised mandatory drug tests. CROW: [Misato] All right, I'll find the bottles... > Information passed here > would be considered Top Secret, TOM: How about that! They can finally pass notes to each other. > and you are required to give your full > cooperation until this operation is over. I, Captain Misato Katsuragi > of NERV Branch 2, would command this operation single-handedly. MIKE: [Gendo] So you know exactly who to blame when things go wrong... CROW: [Misato] Five seconds of pomposity, and you pay for it for the rest of your life... > This > operation officially begins NOW!" CROW: [Misato] Well... THIRTY SECONDS AGO! > She then taps her comm, and the female crew reverts its status > back to one-on-one chat. MIKE: One of them was discussing the latest must-see movies. TOM: One of them was gushing over a hot new vocal group. CROW: And one of them was arranging to trade pictures with someone in Singapore. Isn't it romantic? > "Connect all NASA's computers with > WorldLink, TOM: [technician] But we're a government agency! We use Arpanet! > and access Branch 2's MAGI system" she commands to her, > "Set it up as the basic OS here" CROW: [technician] Do you realise how long it took us to install Opsco Linux 2015? > The staff nods, and hurriedly types > tons of commands on her keyboard. MIKE: Sometimes I just can't follow all this hacker jargon. > Misato walks back to Ritsuko, who gives her a small applause. CROW: [Misato] And what am I supposed to do with *this?* TOM: [Ritsuko] It's the thought that counts. > "Well said, captain. A true leader, indeed" MIKE: [Ritsuko] 'Cause, like, you gave the orders, and everyone did what you said... > Misato smiles. "Yeah, now if I could only face this a little > calmer . . ." CROW: [Ritsuko] Misato, the solution to that dilemma has always rested in your liquor cabinet. > > > Eva Cages; 9:35 A.M > "Man, this really bites" says an impatient Asuka, "We've been on > stand by for a quarter of an hour now" TOM: When military schedules meet the MTV generation, something's got to give. > "Well, we do have to follow orders" says Shinji. > "Orders, orders, orders! You're starting to sound like Wonder > Girl over there!" She gestures with her head towards the ever-silent > Eva-00. MIKE: Except for the little fact that he's talking, and she isn't. > "Hey, um, guys?" says Adam, "Is the entry-plug going to be real > cold like this all the time?" CROW: They say it always takes time to figure out a new car's heater. > "Why did you ask?" replies Shinji. > "Because I might need to use the restroom if it gets any colder > than this" MIKE: Well, you should have thought of that *before* you put on the tight rubber suit. > "Are you stupid?" shouts Asuka, "Here we are, about to risk our > lives against that Angel, and you guys are talking about going to the > restroom? CROW: [Asuka] There are *shopping malls* to talk about! > Man, I wish we could do something soon . . ." At that, the > sirens blared and the red emergency lights flashed. > "Be careful what you wish for . . ." says Rei quietly. TOM: Yeah, that's Rei for you. Always making with the cryptic allusions to darker, deeper realities. MIKE: And yet, if you think hard enough, you just might get it. > > > NASA Command Center; 9:36 A.M > "Target is breaking from its stasis condition and is heading > towards us at 100 miles-per-hour and increasing!" shouts Hyuga, "MAGI > estimated impact in one minute!" TOM: It's sure pouring on the coal now. MIKE: It must have finally remembered its appointment. > "Line cursive confirmed that the Angel's target is clearly Miami, > Florida!" cries a NASA staff. CROW: The printed line, however, remains uncommunicative. > "Brace for impact" says Gendo, "How is the evacuation progress?" > "87% of the city's population have been evacuated to a safe > distance" says Maya. TOM: The random number quotient was starting to slip, you see. MIKE: No--I think that was Adam's first synch ratio! TOM: Oh, great. One *more* cryptically important number to remember. > Misato draws near Gendo and says, "Should we employ the old > tactic as this Angel breaches through the atmosphere?" TOM: [Gendo] That depends. Have you seen any school desks around here? > "No need," replies Gendo, "This Angel is different, and our old > attack pattern will not work against it. We could only hope for the > best" MIKE: [Gendo] So let's see the power of positive thinking at work! > 'You bastard! You're going to let those people in the city > die?!' CROW: Well, he *does* have a reputation to defend. TOM: And at thirteen percent, it's a bargain! > Misato's thought was disturbed by Hyuga's voice. > "Target's blood pattern is changing to Orange!" TOM: No, no. *Green* is this season's orange. > "I-It's breaking up!" gasped Maya. > "What?!" shouts Misato in disbelief as she hurried towards Maya's > console. CROW: After all, if an Angel can't hold a steady relationship, is there hope for any of us? > "Target is breaking up its main body. MIKE: But breaking up is hard to do. > 2, 4, 8, 16 TOM: ANGELIC ROCKS ARE REALLY MEAN! RAH, RAH, RAH! [He notices Crow and Mike are looking at him.] TOM: What? > . . . it's > multiplying by the seconds MIKE: ...Subtracting by the minutes... CROW: Dividing by the thirds! > and increasing in speed!" > "MAGI has detected the presence of another being, covered by the > feathers!" shouts Aoba from his console. CROW: Good grief, it's Chickenel! TOM: The Angel of Poultry. > 'What the hell is going on?' thought Misato in horror. TOM: Good to see characters we can really emphasise with. > "5 . . .4 . . .3 . . .2 . . .BRACE FOR IMPACT !" cries Hyuga. > > > The deadly whistle grew louder and louder, MIKE: Attack of the Feathered Masher. > and finally was > replaced by the boom of explosions as the feathers bombarded TOM: When pillow fights go too far. > the > southern part of the prosperous beach city. CROW: But you'll note it left the decaying urban core alone. TOM: It's urban renewal in reverse. > As the explosions and > tremors continue, a giant figure the size of an Eva lands amidst the > bombardment. MIKE: The Amazing Colossal Billy Mitchell! > Its humanoid body stood among the dust and flames, > resolute as a conqueror. As if cherishing a victorious moment, it > howls a horrible, blood curdling howl. TOM: Or as if standing on a hot dog cart umbrella. > > > Eva Cages; 9:44 A.M > "Let me review the operation again" says Misato to the four > pilots inside their Evas, "As soon as you surfaced, circle the Angel > and prevent it from moving any further. MIKE: Even enigmatic adversaries from the beyond can't escape customs, it seems. > Shinji, Rei, and Asuka would > act as back-up while Adam use the beam cannon to destroy its energy > core, located on the target's chest. Understood?" TOM: Come on! When will NERV realise the simple plan never works? CROW: Well, the Angels still haven't realised to stop wearing "SHOOT ME" signs on their chests, either. > "Yes ma'am!" reply the pilots, in exception of Asuka. > "Why do I have to be a back-up?" she complains, "My Eva-02 could > take this one in a snap" MIKE: [Misato] Asuka, you've *had* your introduction episode. Now it's Adam's turn to show off. > "You have just regained your normal sync ratio, Asuka" Misato > replies, CROW: [Asuka] I didn't even know I'd lost it... > "Besides, we have to admit that Eva-03 is better equipped for > our current condition. TOM: Not only can he core the Angel, but he can peel and roast it as well. > Understand?" > Asuka burns with anger. MIKE: Fortunately, she's seated in a fluid-filled fire extinguisher. TOM: Either that, or she's going to supplement her extension cord with steam power. > She was angry of Misato treating her > like a baby that just learned how to walk, CROW: And she knows she deserves the dignity due a mature kindergartner. > but she only replies a > quiet "Yes ma'am" TOM: Ah. The Rei Gambit. Very clever, Asuka! > "Good!" Misato turns to Gendo. "The Evas are ready, commander" > "Proceed with the operation" he replies calmly. > Misato turns and shouts her command. "Eva launch!" MIKE: Let's go, Voltron Force! CROW: We need Dinozord power, now! TOM: And roll out! > At that, the magnetic-triggers of the Eva platforms switches on > and the magnetic effect catapulted the Evas towards the surface in an > incredibly fast speed. MIKE: And as we all know, the nation that controls magnetism will control the universe. CROW: Really? I thought it was pudding. > "W-Whoa, n-not so f-fast!" cries Adam as he experienced his first > real-time combat launch. TOM: Adam, have you been playing with the simulation speed again? > As the four Evas races towards the surface, Asuka's will of > insurrection CROW: And that's far more fiendish any any mere will of *rebellion.* > that formed in her mind, fueled with jealousy and hatred, MIKE: That ought to juice up the octane a bit. > had became stronger as she planned a strategy of her own . . . TOM: For as we all know, interpretive dance is the ultimate anti-Angel weapon. > > > The four Evas arrived on the surface just in time to see the > Angel moving towards them, crossing the water in a slow, menacing > speed. CROW: The fate of the world may be at stake, but at least nobody's rushing. > "Captain Katsuragi, I hope you're seeing this!" says Adam as he > attached the umbilical cord to his Eva. TOM: In clinical trials, four out of five new pilots were unable to connect their umbilical cords on their first try. > "I see it," says Misato, keeping her cool on this sudden turn of > event, "Wait until it's 15 miles off the coast, then sick'em!" MIKE: So the Angel headed over fifteen miles out to sea before turning back? CROW: It must have decided to enjoy a refreshing swim before getting down to the serious business of ending the world. > For Asuka, Misato's word was a sign to carry out her plan. > "That's just too damn boring!!" TOM: Hmm... I suppose her plan didn't include a credible excuse to get started. > "Asuka?!" > "Wait, wait, wait! Well, I don't WANT to wait! I'm going in!" > With that, Eva-02 ran off with its progressive lance ready. MIKE: Her equally up-to-date trebuchet remained ready in reserve. > 'I'm > gonna' proof to Misato and everyone that I'm a better pilot than > Shinji the hero', TOM: Although she won't compare herself to Adam. CROW: Hey, she's not *crazy.* > she thought as she charges towards the Angel. > "Asuka, be careful!!" cries Adam and he take off with his > booster, chasing the wild-charging Asuka. TOM: She's half a mile out to sea now. I think she'll be starting to slow down a little. > "Adam, no!" shouts Misato. 'Goddammit,' she thought, 'this whole > operation is going to hell!' She presses a button on her comm. CROW: She must be trying to lift her spirits with takeout. > "Shinji! Rei! Follow them! Carry out the plan as best as you two > could!" MIKE: They may lack grandstanding and invincibility, but they'll still give it their best shot. > "Roger!" replies the two, and the two Evas ran off towards the > direction of Asuka and Adam. TOM: By now it's not so much a concerted attack as a high-speed parade. > Misato sets down her comm, slams her fist on the table, and grits > her teeth. MIKE: Okay, it's not patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time, but it's still impressive. > 'Damn it, Asuka . . .' she thought. > > > The tall, black and white Angel CROW: Insert mime joke here. > looks at Asuka's charge > curiously, TOM: Well, better that than hysterical laughter. > but realizes the danger as the red Eva jumps up high, MIKE: The EVA might end up in the NBA draft. > ready > to slash it's lance with a combined force of strength and hatred. TOM: It would then follow up with agility and indifference, and finish it off with intelligence and apathy. > "EAT THIS YOU SCUM! CROW: Ooh--the *cooking* attack! The most fiendish attack in all of anime! TOM: In *some* anime. CROW: Close enough. > HYAAH!" TOM: [cheerful] And a hearty "HIKEEBA!" to you too! > she shouts as brought down the > lance with an almighty strength, MIKE: Asuka's testifyin'. CROW: Preach it, sister! > which was followed with a loud > "CLANG!". TOM: Well! That cooking pot was a useful helmet after all. > "I-Impossible . . ." she stammered as her Eva lands back on the > shallow waters (shallow for an Eva, that is). MIKE: Adding insult to injury, she's been returned to the shallow end. > She was filled with a > feeling that she hated, fear, as she sees her progressive lance broke > upon contact with the Angel's AT-Field. MIKE: Ah, the AT field. It's even better than the sonic screwdriver. TOM: What? Never! MIKE: Yes, but the AT field works *both* ways. > "T-This is . . . impossible . > .. ." > She was so fulfilled with shock CROW: Shock is fulfilling... say, is there something about Asuka we haven't heard about? > that she didn't realize that the > Angel had shot out a hand MIKE: Rocket Punch! > and grabbed her head by its claw. She gasps > in pain as the Angel lifts her up and throws her a good distance away > from it, TOM: Good to see that the Angel believes in the catch and release system. > crashing on the corals as she goes. MIKE: Jacques-Yves Cousteau would be getting a little upset right about now. > "D-Damn it . . ." she stammers, as she tries to get back up. A > black shadow that covers her made her look up, where she sees the > Angel mimicking her jump attack with a massive curved sword. CROW: When the grand lists of everything are drawn up, one of the most effective places to hide large weapons will surely be "You *don't* want to know." > 'I . . . I lost . . .,' she thought as the Angel brought down > the sword, MIKE: Just not very fast, what with all the ellipsises and all. > 'This is it . . . for me . . .' With that she closes her > eyes, bracing for death . . . TOM: Poor Asuka. Outclassed and outequipped by Adam--the Angel was just the final crushing blow. > > > 'Am I . . . dead?. . .' she thought, as she slowly opens her > eyes. In front of her, she sees the white Eva deflecting the Angel's > sword with its beam saber. 'A-Adam?. . .' CROW: Well, at least she's hoping she isn't dead right now, or else she's stuck with him forever! TOM: I don't know. Being rescued by Adam could be a fate worse than death. > "Stay away from her, you bastard!' says Adam as he pushes the > Angel off, TOM: [Adam] *I've* already staked a specific claim on her! > forcing it to back down with repeated slashes of his saber. MIKE: Say, isn't the point of a beam sabre that it cuts through anything not so... beamish as itself? TOM: The Angel saw him his beam sabre, and raised him one AT field. > As the Angel was forced a hasty retreat, CROW: Adam at least has the makings of a future salesman. > Adam jumps back to > shield Asuka from any would-be attacks from the Angel. TOM: It coulda been an attacker. > "Are you > okay?" he says to her. > She was about to say that she was alright when she realizes who > the questioner was. CROW: And her hopes of a big game show prize go out the window. > Her shattered plan, her pride, her honor . . . MIKE: Her discount coupon at the movies, even. > "Mind your own business!" she replies. CROW: [Adam] Every time I do that, a special prosecutor starts asking questions... > "I was just trying to help!" says Adam. > "I don't NEED your help! I'd do fine by my own!" With that, she > forces her battered Eva to stand back up. TOM: Hmm. Battle-Damage EVA. MIKE: She said she could do without a Combat Pack. This is the next best thing the designers could dream up. > "It doesn't look that way!" CROW: [Adam] I've seen one-legged goats stand up better than *that!* > At that, her temper rises. "I don't care how it looks like! I > can take down this bastard by myself! Can't you hear?! I don't NEED > your help! I don't need ANYONE! TOM: [Asuka] Except maybe for that nice David Lee Roth... > I DON'T NEED YOU!" With that, she > draws out her progressive knife MIKE: Better that than drawing out the story. > and charges wildly towards the Angel > with a hateful battle cry, unknown to anyone that she was doing it in > tears. TOM: All right, who put pepper in the LCL? > The Angel anticipates her attack by opening its armored chest, CROW: An exhibitionist Angel. Ouch! > revealing a giant orb-like device. The orb glows red as it charges, > and shoots out a white beam towards the incoming red Eva. MIKE: When heartburn goes too far. > "ASUKA, NOOO!" Adam activates his booster again, trying to > prevent Asuka's suicidal charge. TOM: Pretty slow death ray, if you ask me. MIKE: Even universal constants have to yield to the awesome power of a new pilot. > At the last minute, Adam rams his > Eva sideways against Asuka's to derail her from her path towards > death. MIKE: You know, this is actually a subtle meditation on the need for traffic safety. TOM: So you should try not to hit fellow Evangelion pilots with your motorcycle, for fear of becoming romantically involved and having to risk your own life to save them? MIKE: Exactly. > However, there wasn't enough time for Adam to save himself. > The bright white light envelopes itself around Eva-03 CROW: But it didn't have sufficient postage, so everything's okay. > as Asuka watches > with a mixed feeling of guilt, horror, and fear. TOM: It's emotional painting! Mix them all together--and you get *joy!* CROW: So you'd like to believe. TOM: The colour wheels *are* a little cryptic, I will admit. > "ADAM!!" she cries. > "UWAAAAAH!" Adam wails in pain as he felt the light pierced him > like a million light swords. TOM: Hmmph. Get stabbed with a million *heavy* swords, and I'll be impressed. > The light then explodes upward in the > form of a cross. MIKE: Now isn't this about when Shinji is supposed to save the day? CROW: That's merely been foreshadowed since the beginning of the story, Mike. We've got *important* things going on here! > When the explosion subsides, Eva-03 was kneeling with one feet in > front of the other. TOM: Looks like Adam is trying to pick up points on the landing. > Its armor was charred and smothered with black > burnt marks; MIKE: Hey, I ordered my EVA medium rare. > it hisses while smoke rises up from the burnt Eva's > armor. > "ADAM!!" cries Asuka again. TOM: I thought these new pilots were supposed to be nigh-omnipotent. MIKE: Well, martyrdom for the sake of the ungrateful has a certain appeal to it as well. > > > 'DAMN IT!! This is getting worse by the second!' thought Misato. CROW: [Misato] *First* he shows off by getting the prime role in the plan, *then* he grandstands to save Asuka, and *now* he's been beaten up... > "What's Eva-03 pilot's status?!" she says hurriedly to Maya. > "Pilot's vital signs are critical! MIKE: They're now commenting harshly on the body they usually just validate. > We have no pulse!" she > shouts her reply. > "Do a heart massage! NOW!" CROW: Oh, boy--a defibrillation scene! TOM: No medical emergency should be complete without it. > "Initiating first attempt . . ." At that, she presses a flashing > red button, and a surge of electricity flows through Adam's lifeless > body. MIKE: Come on, Adam--get with the RADICAL, EXTREME treatment! > It jerks at the push of the button. TOM: Hmm... I wonder if this prefigures non-standard end credits? CROW: And yet, we're still talking over them. > "No pulse!" shouts Maya. > "Do it again!" > Maya repeats the process, and again Adam's body jerks at the shot > of electricity, but the result remains the same. TOM: Hmmph. Here we try and be nice to some poor soul whose only problem is being the underaged motorcycle-driving, EVA-piloting son of the President, and then he goes and winds up in *this* oddly satisfying fix! CROW: It makes you think, doesn't it. MIKE: Not really. > "Still no pulse!" > "AGAIN, DAMN IT!" Misato was starting to let her fear and anger > took hold of her. CROW: Aaw, and here I thought she was just indulging in a zest for life. > 'Come on, Adam!' she thought, 'You can't die on me > like this! I promised your father I won't let you!' TOM: And given that her father can talk to CIA death squads, she has a good reason to keep that promise. > Maya repeats the massage for the third time. CROW: But *this* time, she cracked open the salad oil. > "We have a pulse!" she says to Misato, "A weak one, but it's > stabilizing!" > "Prepare a rescue party MIKE: [Misato] Maybe with a nice chocolate cake, and some cheerful streamers... > and the emergency room at once!" she > says with a small sign of relief, TOM: She'll get to keep her deliciously ironic job bossing around Americans. > "Order Shinji and Rei to distract > the Angel as far away from Eva-03 and this base!" MIKE: See, normally you just *expect* the regular characters to vanish. But no, this fanfic goes the extra mile, and *tells* them to leave! > "Yes ma'am!" > "S-Something's wrong Eva-02's sync ratio!" CROW: And you know what they say about a synch ratio wronged... MIKE: Actually, no. > shouts out Aoba > suddenly. > "Is it dropping again?!" asks Misato. > "No, it's increasing at incredible speed!" replies Aoba, MIKE: I haven't been able to make sense of the markets lately, either. > "It's > already over 100%!" > That was another shocker for Misato. "What did you say?!" MIKE: [Misato] She's just a *regular* pilot! It shouldn't happen to *her!* > > > Asuka was silent in her cockpit as the Angel walks past her, > tears streaming down from her once resolute eyes. CROW: Sensitive Angel. TOM: It's finally getting in touch with its feminine side. > Her thoughts were > running wildly in her head. MIKE: It's a mad caucus race. TOM: And *everybody* must have prizes! > 'Why? Why does everyone who care for me > must die? MIKE: [Asuka] And why must everyone who almost runs over me with a motorcycle and then feels guilty about it be defibrillated back to life? > Why? What have I done to deserve this . . .this, curse?! CROW: Oh, it's not a *curse,* Asuka. *Society* is to blame for making you ashamed of your natural functions! > Why? TOM: [Asuka] Why can't I be too rich *and* too thin? > Why?! CROW: [Asuka] Why can't I find a really good dry cleaner for cheap? > WHY?!' MIKE: [singing] Why must I be-eee a teen-ager in lu-uhhve... TOM: [shuddering] Never do that again. MIKE: [comfortably] It was still worth it. > As if answering her question, the four eyes of Eva-02 suddenly > flashes white at the end of her thought. MIKE: I never thought switching your high beams on was a way to answer agonising existentialist dilemmas. TOM: Live and learn. > The battered Eva stands up > with its arms dangling, its figure lurching forward. CROW: A planet where EVAs evolved from men? > The four eyes > flash with hatred at the back of the Angel who was still walking > towards Kennedy Space Center. TOM: Say, just where are Rei and Shinji in all of this? MIKE: They're trying to find extension cords long enough to take them to French Guiana. Maybe the European Space Agency will help them defeat the Angel the size of Germany. > "200 . . .240 . . .290%! It's increasing rapidly!" shouts Maya. > "What is this?! What's going on?!" > "It might be affected by the pilot's emotional state," says > Ritsuko, answering Misato's question, MIKE: Except for the little question of *what's* counting up, of course. > "The sync ratio is increasing > rapidly because the pilot's undergoing an intense emotion. CROW: And yet, the EVA isn't wearing tattered purple trousers. > If this > goes on, I won't be surprised if the sync goes over 300%" > "Dr. Akagi!" shouts Maya, "Pilot Souryuu's sync rate is already > at 370%!" TOM: Saved by soup. How romantic. > The news made Ritsuko drops her cup of coffee. CROW: Wow! And here I thought it was just a *minor* crisis. > > > "Is this part of your plan, Gendo?" asks Fuyutsuki. They were > standing a good distance away from all the hustle MIKE: ...While also taking shelter in the bustle. > so that nobody could > hear them. > "Of course" he replies with a devilish grin as he watches Eva-02 > howls in anger with its two mouths on the giant screen, CROW: Of course, he'd be saying that if the EVA was dancing backwards while singing show tunes. > "As I have > always said, Fuyutsuki, two heads are better than one . . ." TOM: ...I think Gendo's well of cryptically disturbing pronouncements is running just a little dry. > > > > To Be Continued > > > Author's Note: Well, I guess the holiday stress really got into me > this year. CROW: But envisioning Miami wiped out by Angelic feathers really helped. > I have to do a lot of holiday shopping (and some > last minute shopping!) for so many people that I didn't > have time to continue this story for quite a while. MIKE: Well, it *is* good to have friends. CROW: Oh, boy. MIKE: *Now* what? CROW: It's just that whenever you get mushy like that, something *really* bad happens. MIKE: Perhaps we should have a little talk about the nature of friendship. CROW: See? What did I tell you? > Fortunately, a reader from Canada really encouraged me > to go on with the fanfic. TOM: Good grief. First the Kids in the Hall, then those beer commercials, and now this. Canada is going to take over the world with *media!* MIKE: I'm sure, Tom. TOM: Oh, mock me all you like--but when the Right Honourable Jean Poutine puts his jackboots up on the desk in the Oval Office, *then* we'll see who's smirking! > So, I manage to squeeze > enough time in my busy schedule to wrap up this part. TOM: Oh, believe me, we're just bubbling with gratitude... > Millions of thanks for Idane Smith with her e-mails that > kept me to go on. CROW: See? Just drop in a pretty-boy pilot, and you really start to pull your female fans. > Again, thank you! As always, I would > also like to hear from other readers for their critics TOM: I'm not quite sure you want *more* critics interested in you. MIKE: Well, who does? > & > suggestions for the story, and yes, flames would still > be ignored! Thank you, and see you next time! MIKE: Well, guys, let's get out of here. [Mike picks up Tom, and follows Crow out of the theatre.] [...1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL bridge. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the desk.] MIKE: Well! That was... TOM: A... CROW: A part. MIKE: Fair enough. I can only wait to see how they'll get out of this latest fix. TOM: We can only anticipate that it'll be grandiose, brash, and contrived... [The mads' light flashes.] MIKE: [confused] Why do they want to talk with us now? [He reaches over and hits the light.] [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester looks particularly smug.] DR. F: Well, I *do* so hope you've enjoyed this week's experiment... because that's all she wrote, boobies! [SOL] MIKE: What? No! CROW: You fiend! TOM: You monster! [Deep 13] DR. F: Please, spare me your compliments. But, of course, I *am* more than pleased to see you begging me for another helping... [SOL. Everyone trails off for a moment.] MIKE: Now that's too much. CROW: But what do you expect? They're evil. MIKE: Well, things can't get much worse... [Suddenly, the lighting brightens. Everyone winces.] TOM: Don't you ever get tired of doing that, Mike? MIKE: Quick! Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine! [Cut to an external view. The SOL is fairly insignificant in the corner of the screen. The silver basketball tumbling towards the Earth is far more significant.] [SOL. Everyone, understandably, is in a panic.] TOM: It's the Angel! We're all doomed! CROW: Been good-to-fair knowing you guys! MIKE: [pointing towards the window] But wait--what's that? CROW: Is it a bird--no, of course not. TOM: Give me Rocket Number Nine! [In the external view, a small space shuttle is now flying towards the Angel.] [SOL. Gypsy enters. She's marginally calmer than the trio.] GYPSY: Mike, we're getting a message. MIKE: Open the Hexfield Viewscreen, then! [The HVS irises open... to reveal Bruce Willis at the controls of the space shuttle. He is wearing a pink shirt.] BRUCE: [apparently not addressing the SOL] I'm doing this for America, motherhood, and apple pie. I'm doing this so you'll be stuck with my daughter. And I'm doing this to get out of the movie... [The HVS irises closed again. There's a brief moment of silence, and then a bright flash of light from outside.] MIKE: [flatly] Well. The Earth's saved. TOM: Now *that* was... CROW: Was... MIKE: A conclusion. CROW: Yeah. But it seems there's a third way to deal with a science fiction-y sort of event, after all. TOM: You can use it as the springboard for a darkly complex evaluation of the human condition... CROW: You can think your way through the problem and emerge in triumphant control of the universe... MIKE: Or you can have Hollywood save the day. [The mads' light flashes again.] MIKE: And on that note... [He reaches over and hits the light.] [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is clutching his blankie quite unselfconsciously. Then, he realises he's on camera, and quickly tosses it away.] DR. F: Well! I hope you've all learned a valuable lesson. [SOL] MIKE: Yeah. Every so often, we should just be grateful things are over. TOM: [as if delivering a reference] *And* that we can stay. [Deep 13] DR. F: [playing along] Well, then--congratulations! Push the button, Frank... [FWOOSH!] -[Authors' Notes]----- This is my second solo MSTing, after Undocumented Features and my work on Matthew Blackwell's "Fall of the Republic." I would like to thank the SVAM mst3ktech mailing list and chat hall for suggestions and general encouragement. Matt Blackwell offered several new riffs and host segments. I also extend special thanks to Artemis, who very enthusiastically gave me permission to MST this fanfic. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Judgment Day is copyright Artemis. The properties referenced within Judgment Day are copyright their original owners. Anything remotely original within this MSTing was written by Keith Palmer , and finished January 2001. > "Dumbkof!" replies Asuka with fluent English, "You know what > that's for. Idiot!"