MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Part 6 of 9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, Chan-wu Yi, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random, Typewriter Monkey and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [Mike, Tom, and Crow enter the theater.] > ********************************************************************* > 16. We Lost Legolas! MIKE: Hey, where did Legolas go? I thought he followed us into the theater... CROW: Oh, he left. He had to get back to the fanfic. MIKE: Darn... and I was so looking forward to swapping hair-care tips... > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112:Yes in know that leaving Legolas alone was not a > good idea *punches self hard* MIKE: [Cheering] Do it again! Do it again! TOM: HARDER!! HARDER!! CROW: Ah, nothing like giving the audience what it wants! > mental note don't punch self again that > hurt anyway here's the chapter. MIKE: [Destinygurl] mental note don't write another chapter that hurt > > > > A few minutes later we were on the ride. MIKE: Magic carpet? TOM: Of our lives? CROW: Taken for a...? > Once we got off the corkscrew TOM: I think that's about the fastest dismissal yet. > I told everybody yet another interesting fact, CROW: [Crystal] Did you know that elephants have no knees? Or wait, maybe that's giraffes.... > but this time it was > from my own life. TOM: [Crystal] Did you know I can eat cereal with a fork? > "You know the first roller coaster I ever went on was > a corkscrew but it wasn't here it was in Germany." I said. CROW: [John] BOH-ring! What's next, posting your diary on the Internet? Narcissist. > > > > "That actually is fascinating." Stefan said CROW: [Stefan] ...if you're dain-bramaged. TOM: Bet he enjoys watching paint dry, too. > before Carolyn could say > anything. CROW: But we all know she'd say the same thing... right? > > > > But Carolyn was not even listening; MIKE: She'd finally given up. > she was looking for Legolas who was > not at the spot where we told him to stay. MIKE: Bad Legolas! Bad dog! CROW: [Crystal, sighing] I knew I should have used the leg shackles. > "Hey guys where in Legolas?" MIKE: Man, that Carmen Sandiego can hide *anywhere*! > She asked. TOM: [Crystal] I answered. MIKE: [Legolas] Guys? I'm right behind you. > > > > "I don't know... wasn't he supposed to be here?" John asked, his voice > rising in panic. TOM: [Crystal] In fact, it took on a pronounced girlish squeak. CROW: [John, panicky] I mean, I mean...what will Aragorn say if we don't get him back home before sundown? Oh, Elrond's gonna *kill* us! MIKE: [Legolas] People, just turn around! I'm right here! > > > > "All right we should split up and look for Legolas, TOM: [Crystal] That way you third wheels won't be round when I find him! MIKE: [Legolas] ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION?!? > Kyle you stay here > in case he comes back. So meet here in 10 minutes ok... ok." I said. With > that we rushed off in different directions. TOM: [Kyle] Oh... Hey, Legolas! MIKE: [Legolas] ... > I ran over to the PNE > section hoping that something had just caught Legolas' eye and he had > just wandered off. CROW: So in other words: Legolas = Kitten? TOM: I'm betting Crystal'll find him. Any takers? MIKE: Nope. CROW: Not a chance. > > > > The crowd started to thicken TOM: As the cornstarch was folded in... > and I stopped. ~This is no use.~ I > thought. ~I'm never going to find anything in this mess.~ CROW: It's a hard lesson, but hey, better luck next time. > I was > considering calling out Legolas' name MIKE: I suppose it's not even worth it by now to mention the whole 'keep Legolas a secret' thing. > but then thought better of it, CROW: *What* now? TOM: Yeah, a part of that didn't quite parse for me either. MIKE: First time for everything, I suppose. CROW: Mind you, it *would* be pretty amusing for her to go running around, "Legolas! Are you here? Come on, we need to go on the tilt-o-whirl! Where are you?" > suddenly an idea struck me. CROW: [rolling a few 10-sided dice] CRITICAL HIT! > "Mellonim!" I called out, then again. TOM: [random bystander] She's looking for someone named "Melanin"? Who would name their kid after skin pigment? MIKE: [random other bystander] Parents must have been hippies. > "Mellonim!" MIKE: Sylvia Plath? TOM: Pliny the Younger? CROW: Ernest Hemingway? TOM: Kurt Vonnegut? CROW: Mao Zedong? MIKE: Chief? CROW: McCLOUD! MIKE: [shakes his head] Where did *those* riffs come from? [The BOTS snicker.] > > > > This time I heard a returning call. MIKE: PACKERS! TOM: YO, JOE! CROW: HOOTY-HOOO! ALL: WHO LET THE DAWGS OUT?!????!!! > "I'm over here." MIKE: [Legolas, Brooklyn] Yo, I'm ovah heah. Whaddya, bloind? CROW: [Legolas] Now I am over here drowning! TOM: Oh, the memories... > > > > I walked towards the noise and sure enough I saw a familiar blonde > headed elf. I ran over and hugged him. "Oh I'm so glad I found you." TOM: [Legolas] I was lost? When did that happen? MIKE: Well, there was a potential exciting plot twist gone in what, ten paragraphs? > I said happily but then my voice took on an exasperated, angry tone. MIKE: Entirely by itself, too! CROW: [Crystal] Damn it Legolas, I thought I told you no autographs! > "What the heck were you thinking walking away from us like that? MIKE: [Legolas] One - I decided to have some fun on my own, since you people are duller than dry white toast. Two - I figured I could handle myself for a while, being a centuries-old warrior and all. And three - if you EVER use that patronizing tone with me again, I'll strangle you with your own hair. > Do you > know how worried everybody is?" Legolas hung his head sadly. CROW: [Crystal] Then he licked my hand, and I gave him a Milkbone. > "Legolas... > Legolas look at me." I said taking his head into my hands and making > him look me in the eye. TOM: Legolas comes complete with over twenty-five points of articulation! > "Don't worry nobody is going to be mad at you. CROW: [Crystal] ...Well, except for me, I gue--URK! TOM: [Legolas, wiping off an imaginary knife] And now... for the author! MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...Eek! Help me! Aaaaaahhhh! > You just need to remember that this is not your world and you can't > just go explore by yourself. MIKE: [Crystal] I mean, look at you! An immortal, highly trained warrior can't possibly handle solo travel through the treacherous world of PLAYLAND! TOM: Yep, Moria might have been safe and familiar, but it's nothing compared to *Playland!* > You have no money and no idea where you > are plus you stick out like a sore thumb. CROW: [Crystal] Being the only blond Adonis in Canada... TOM: No, he doesn't! No one's noticed him in eight chapters. In church, at HappyFunWhateverLand, anywhere! MIKE: Remember the 'he'd never seen a mall before' comment when she took him to his second mall? I don't think even Destinygurl can take reading this story. > I'm only asking you to be > more careful, ok?" I said softly but sternly. CROW: Tough love saves the day! > > > > "I'm sorry." Legolas said quietly. TOM: [Legolas, muttering] Sorry you're still breathing... > > > > "It's ok just don't do it again. TOM: [Crystal] Or I'll take away your allowance for a *week*! > Come on we have to get back to the > others." I said taking his hand and leading him back to the exit of the > corkscrew. CROW: [Crystal] Now come on my little man...let's get you home and tucked in. I've got a bowl of chicken noodle soup that has Legolas written all over it. MIKE: Ugggghhh... At this point the only thing that could redeem this woman is throwing herself in front of a truck to save Legolas. TOM: But you're forgetting that that would invoke the biggest SI cliché of all: The Noble Sacrifice. MIKE: [Resigned] You're right... There's no saving this. CROW: I'll start the Last Rites. > > > > When we got back everybody was waiting for us. MIKE: Read: everybody else gave up early. > Carolyn breathed a sigh > of relief when she saw us come around the corner. CROW: [singing] They'll be comin' 'round the corner when they come... > "I'm so glad Crystal > found you, we were beginning to think the worst had happened." She > said. TOM: [Carolyn] I was afraid we'd have to do normal things and depend on ourselves for amusement... hey, *wait*... > > > > "Aren't you glad you weren't lost... just misplaced." I said. CROW: Like keys... MIKE: [Legolas] I knew exactly where I was - away from you! TOM: Well, at least this fic's politically correct. > > > > "...Sure..." Legolas answered. MIKE: His spirit seems *nicely* broken. CROW: [Legolas] Grrrrr.... doesn't she even *realize* that I have pairs of socks that are probably older than her *entire civilization?* > > > > Kyle looked at his watch. TOM: [Kyle] It's Morphin Time! > "Oh it's almost 12:00, I'd better be getting > back to my sisters CROW: Kyle was raised by nuns? > but I might see you again today." He said. TOM: Well, he's apparently divine. > > > > "Are you going to ABBAmainia tonight?" Carolyn asked. CROW: [Kyle] Not even if you paid me. MIKE: [Kyle] HAHAHAHAHA--oh, you're serious. TOM: [Kyle] No, I enjoy music. Thanks! > > > > "Yeah, why?" Kyle responded. TOM: [Carolyn] I want to know where not to go. > > > > "We can meet up then." Carolyn suggested. > > > > "I'll see you then." I called at Kyle's retreating form. TOM: [Kyle, calling back] I'd rather cauterise my nipples with a Zippo! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I'm free! Free! Woo-hooooo!!!! > > > > "We should go get lunch before the show." David prompted. > > > > "Hey Carolyn do you remember what we did on our grade 7 grad trip?" CROW: [sigh] Yes, you went to Playland. Now get a move on! > I said nodding towards the small Baskin Robbins behind us. She nodded. > "Remember what we did?" I asked. Carolyn nodded again and smiled. CROW: [Carolyn] Oh yes...whip cream, ice cubes, handcuffs-- MIKE: Let's try and keep it PG-13, okay? > "Do you want to do that again?" I asked. CROW: I smell Wacky Hijinks approaching. TOM: Nah - that's just Mike. MIKE: HEY! > > > > "Ok, why not." Carolyn answered. MIKE: [Carolyn] I've got no self-respect. TOM: [Carolyn] I'm just your lesser avatar, anyway! > > > > "Great... you guys go and get your food and meet us at the fake cow in > ten minutes, k." I said. CROW: If this involves Polaroids and a garden gnome, I am SO out of here! > > > > So ten minutes later we met at the fake cow MIKE: As previously implied. TOM: Did we slip into a Guerin-fic alluva sudden? CROW: No presumption of attention-span will be made! [Thanks, 'Misery Senshi'.] > outside the agriculture > barns, which held the 4H competition and walked to the stadium that > houses Superdogs. "What's in the bag?" John asked. TOM: [Crystal] Nude pictures of Hugo Weaving. I've got a thing for elves. MIKE: Have you ever sat and *stared* at it? Marvelled at its *beauty*? > > > > "You'll see soon enough." I taunted. TOM: [Crystal] OIAGY! OSHO! YAHOO! CROW: Now *there's* an entertaining image. > "Legolas I see you a footlong > hotdog, TOM: o/~ I see a little foot-long hot dog of an elf-- o/~ MIKE: [Legolas] No, I absolutely *will not* do the Fandango! CROW: [Crystal] ...and raise you this bit of relish. > think you can handle that whole thing?" MIKE: It's getting more and more like a bad romance novel. TOM: Is there any other kind? CROW: I'm waiting for his purple-headed warrior to snake into her quivering mound of love pudding. MIKE: Eww! I *told* you to give Pearl that book back.... > > > > Legolas shrugged. CROW: Legolas, you're killing the trash-talking mood! > We got inside the dim lit stadium and I led everyone > over to the left side about halfway down. > > > > "Hey don't we want to be front row, centre." David asked. TOM: [Crystal, British] No, we want tea, Earl Grey, hot. > > > > "Not for this show." I responded. CROW: [Crystal] The less you see of it, the better. > > > > "Ready to see what we got for lunch?" Carolyn asked. TOM: [John] I got Chicken-On-A-Stick! CROW: [Ryan] I got a turkey leg! MIKE: [Legolas] I got a rock. > > > > Everybody nodded. I took from the bag a bucket of something. CROW: Yum yum yum--nothing like a nice bucket of *something* for lunch! > "Feast > your eyes on two litres of royal chocolate fudge ice cream." I said > pulling off the lid. MIKE: And any possible interest fizzles away in an anticlimax of banality. TOM: So the big 'grad trip' mystery is that they ate ice cream for lunch. > > > > "Oh, you guys are sick." John said MIKE: [John] Eating *ice cream*! I suppose you harlots drink *soda pop* as well! > looking at the dark rich chocolate CROW: Shaft! MIKE: [deep voice] Can you dig it? > ice cream. > > > > "Or will be." Joe put in. > > > > "Anyone want some?" Carolyn asked pulling some spoons out of her > backpack. MIKE: [John] No thanks, I'd prefer my lunch not to come back up in an hour. CROW: So what's in *her* backpack, huh? TOM: That's not a backpack - it's a +20 Bag of Holding! > > > > Everyone took and started to help themselves. MIKE: Yes, let's all share in the sickness! > So we sat there eating > ice cream as the stadium filled up around us. MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...With water. TOM: What a way to go... > > > > "Why is this hotdog so absurdly long?" Legolas asked, [ALL begin guffawing and laughing uncontrollably.] > taking another > bite of his now 6 inch long hotdog. CROW: [Python] That's a rather personal question, sir. TOM: ... Suddenly, LOTR slashfic writers all over the net start giggling uncontrollably... > > > > "You know, I've never been able to figure that one out." I answered > truthfully. MIKE: [Bad Chinese accent] To gain enlightenment, you must take this pebble from my hand...*or* explain to me why Playland hot dogs are so absurdly long. TOM: ...*Wow.* CROW: Wait, what was the question? > "Guys, do any of you know?" TOM: [wiping tears out of his eyes] Why's she asking the guys? Wouldn't the girls be more inclined to answer a question like that? > > > > "Bragging rights." Stefan answered. [ALL begin screaming with uncontrollable hysterics.] MIKE: That was almost clever. > > > > "And what's in hotdogs? They're good." Legolas asked. CROW: Wanna keep that opinion? Don't ask. > > > > I smirked. "Mystery meat." I answered shortly. > > > > "What's mystery meat?" Legolas asked. CROW: Ya know, orcs' testicles, trolls' bladders, dwarves' eyeballs... MIKE: [Crystal] HELLO! IT'S A *MYSTERY*! TOM: [Crystal] Elf--the other white meat. > > > > "You don't want to know." I replied. "Not if you like hotdogs." TOM: Mike! Something's wrong! That was two clever bits in a row! MIKE: Don't worry, Servo. Legolas will say something stupid and set things right. > > > > "No, really I do." Legolas prompted. MIKE: See? What'd I tell you? TOM: Thanks, Mike! > > > > ~Oh well you know what they say, TOM: The only good fangurl is a dead fangurl? > curiosity killed the cat... MIKE: ...and made it into hot dogs. > make that elf.~ MIKE: 'cause, ya know, Legolas is an *elf*, not a *cat*, so curiosity killed the *elf*; oh God I'm not laughing. BOTS: Nope. MIKE: We're dead meat. CROW: [snickering] Meat...hot dogs... > "Ok if you really want to know... Animal by-products." MIKE: It's Crystal's "Fast Food Nation." > I got a > strange look from Legolas. "Waste, garbage, CROW: ...Johnny Longbow's stew ingredients... > basically anything you > would be revolted to cook up and put on your dinner table like internal > organs, lungs, kidneys, etc, etc..." I answered. TOM: We use everything but the squeal! MIKE: So it's basically haggis, then? CROW: Or Spam. > > > > Legolas paled and looked at his hotdog in disgust. MIKE: [Legolas] Ugh--I miss wholesome Shire sausages already! > "Would you like me > to put your hotdog in the garbage for you?" I asked, because this was > the same fact that put me off hotdogs. MIKE: And when Crystal the Wonderchick goes down, so does everyone else. CROW: Ah, then I can definitely see then why you'd want to conceal that from Legolas until he ate half of one...hmmph, some 'friend'. > Legolas nodded. I got up and > took the hotdog from Legolas and walked to the end of the row but > before I left I took a bite of the hotdog and pretended to savour it, TOM: WHY?! Are you some sort of sadist? MIKE: At this point, you have to ask? > Legolas looked like he was going to be sick. CROW: [Crystal] Silly elf! Can't handle his waste meats and nitrates! > > > > I got back just as the music to start. *Twilight Zone playing.* MIKE: [Serling] Picture a girl, alone in her room. No friends, no life, just her dad's computer and a 28.8 kbps modem connection. It is a world of banality, childish fantasy, and really *really* stupid elves. There's a white-walled room up ahead, and you enter...The Crystal Zone. > The > dogs came out and did the obstacle course one at a time. MIKE: The music for this obstacle course is the 'Twilight Zone' theme? CROW: Sure, a *definite* classic! TOM: Wow! Does the excitement ever... start? > > > > Half an hour later we left the stadium. CROW: But they didn't say why to sit back from the front! TOM: Just take a calming breath and forget about it like they did. > "Done!" I said triumphantly. CROW: [Crystal] An entire day completely wasted! > > > > "Done what?" Stefan asked. TOM: [Crystal] Done blowed up Legolas's characterization real good. > > > > "The ice cream." Carolyn answered. > > > > "How can two 18-year-old girls finish all that ice cream in a half an > hour?" John asked in wonder. MIKE: I'll take "Things Clueless Males Would Say" for $1000, Alex! > > > > "It's easy." I said. "You just go like this." I held an invisible spoon ALL: SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!! CROW: [John] There is no spoon. > in my hand and pretended to eat with it. TOM: [Crystal] And now, if you'll just point me to the nearest... [urp] > > > > "Very funny." John said sarcastically. MIKE: Then he smashed in her head with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick. > > > > "Hey don't blame me I inherited my sense of humour from my dad." I > protested. CROW: Oh, *that* explains it. TOM: Sure... It's all *genetics'* fault... MIKE: When all else fails--blame genetics. ALL: o/~ Got too much chlorine / In my gene pool! o/~ > > > > "Can we go on more rides?" Legolas asked. MIKE: [Legolas] I still have some dignity left! > > > > "We've done good Crystal." Carolyn said. "We've made another ride > fanatic." TOM: Well, fortunately I'm too mature and intelligent to make a joke about *that*. [TOM pointedly looks at CROW.] CROW: [bored] Generic off-color underage interracial group prostitution addiction riff. [MIKE *BLINKS*.] TOM: Thanks. CROW: No problem. [MIKE begins twitching.] > > > > "Lets go on the Rainbow and the music ride." Joe suggested. CROW: o/~ Somewhere over the rainbow/Way up high/There's a land that I've heard of/where all bad fanfics die! o/~ > > > > > "Great idea." I agreed. TOM: And on that pointlessly positive note, the chapter meanders to a close... > > ********************************************************************* > 17. Are We Ever Going To Leave Playland? CROW: Ha ha ha ha.... YOU'RE STUCK HERE!!! TOM: No. We're stuck here forever. The outside world is just a cruel myth meant to taunt us with the futile hope of escape.... [weeps] [MIKE pats TOM on his dome] > > Disclaimer: Hey look at this, I own it all... no... wait, I don't it's just > a misprint. ALL: Oh, another one? MIKE: [holding his head] Alright, irony *overload*. > > > > A/N: Stupid homework, stupid, fat homework, we hates it we does. MIKE: Y'know, how well *did* Sméagol do in school anyway? TOM: Now *there's* an entertaining image. CROW: [Stan] This is pretty f*cked up right here. MIKE: Alright, knock that off. > That should explain why I haven't updater CROW: Updater? I don't even know her! > in a while but still I'm sorry. TOM: Any of that homework in English, perchance? MIKE: Not as sorry as we are, Crystal. Believe us. > > > > KindCalypso: I'm glad you like my story. MIKE: [Destinygurl] Too bad no one else does. > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: Thank you again for you continued reviewing. Yes > I thought the hotdog part was funny too. TOM: [Crystal] I'm sure glad you also found my cruelty amusing! > > > > So we went on many other rides including the Hellevator again TOM: Getting the second picture taken for their disturbing yet edifying "before and after" series. CROW: [baby] Hellevator go down da hoooole.... > then we > spotted a haunted house. ALL: JINKIES!!! > "Hey that's new!" I exclaimed. TOM: [Crystal] I've never heard of a theme park with a *haunted house* before! > > > > "Yeah lets check it out." David said. CROW: Hmm, brand-new haunted house no one's noticed before. In any other story I'd expect a hair-raising supernatural plot adventure. But here? They'll walk through it in two sentences and then go eat something. > > > > So we went into the large haunted house more to make fun of it than > anything. Joe tried to scare us by jumping up behind us a yelling. CROW: [Joe] And I gave her the gun...AND I SHOT HER! TOM: [Joe] Peter Jackson burned the only print of Return of the King! MIKE: [Joe] But I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? > "Woooo, the boogie man is coming." CROW: [Crystal] He was then cut off with a gurgling gasp as Legolas sliced his larynx out by reflex. Wasn't that a laugh riot? > > > > "No, oogie man." Carolyn and I started at the same time. "Oogie LAY-DY TOM: Oh, Eegah! MIKE: [Crystal] Wuzza-funza whatsis. > (lady)." We finished, putting emphasis on the last word. [ALL sit in utter shock.] MIKE: Holy... TOM: ...God. CROW: [solemnly] Congratulations, Crystal. Thou hast made your first obscure reference. Thou hast done well, young Padawan. Thou gainest a level. TOM: So, does that mean that we'll see Ellen Rimbauer throwing Crystal off the balcony? MIKE: We can hope. > > > > > "O K you guys are scary CROW: Hey, at least the haunted house is finally living up to its name. > and you've seen Rose Red WAY too many times." > John commented. TOM: [Carolyn] John? MIKE: [John] Yes, Carolyn? TOM: [Carolyn] Your name is John. Don't tempt me to change mine to Ellen. MIKE: [John] ...Ulp. > > > > "Whatever you say John." I said. MIKE: [John] Well then I say, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.' > > > > We continued on through the haunted house and were so busy making fun > of the lame scariness BOTS: o/~ Mystery Haunted House Theater 3000!!! o/~ MIKE: o/~ TWANG! o/~ > that we didn't even notice when we left Ryan > behind. CROW: Oh, I get it. MIKE: What? CROW: The haunted house is a metaphor for the fic...which is a haunted house in text form. > > > > We came out into the sunlight and Legolas brought to our attention that > the loud one was gone. CROW: Along with the heads of several "gollums". > "Hey guys Ryan is missing." Legolas said > worriedly TOM: [Legolas] He won't find us again, will he? MIKE: [Crystal] My plan worked perfectly! > as he had taken quite a liking to him. MIKE: There went what little respect for this version of Legolas... > > > > "So?" Carolyn asked. CROW: [Carolyn] Plenty more annoying no-dimensional characters where he came from. > > > > "This is a lot different than when you discovered that I was not with > you." Legolas commented angrily. MIKE: [Crystal] Well of course. We actually *care* about you. TOM: Yes! YES! Strike them down with your anger! > "Aren't you worried?" MIKE: Okay, since Legolas made a pretty astute observation, how does Crystal react? Act like he never said a word, dismiss him as a dimwit, or give some half-assed explanation that wouldn't satisfy anyone? I choose "C." TOM: I'll go with "C" as well. CROW: Please- "B!" How many times has Crystal talked to Legolas like he just fell off the short bus? > > > > "Look, Legolas, a thing with Ryan is that he MIKE: [Crystal] ...he...lost his brain in a fishing accident... > sometimes wanders off for > no reason and we have learned not to worry." I explained. TOM: For obviously Ryan can take care of himself and Legolas can't. CROW: [Legolas] But...maaaaahhhhhm...all the other elves get to run off by themselves! MIKE: [Crystal] Stop whining! > "But if > you're still worried then John would be happy to go back in and look > for him." CROW: Dissed! I WIN! WOOO! > > > > "Why me?" John asked. MIKE: The part of John will be played by Nancy Kerrigan. > > > > "Cause I chose you." I answered. MIKE: Errand Boy, I choose you! TOM: Stepnfetchit attack, now! > So John left us and went back into > the haunted house. CROW: We're making a *good* start on whittling the cast down here. > > > > About 5 minutes later Ryan came running out followed closely by John > and Ryan was yelling something to the effect of. TOM: [Ryan] Oh no! It's the stones again! > "RUN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS > ARE COMING!" MIKE: *sigh* There's one of these idiots in every geek clique. > He didn't stop when he reached us so we had no choice but > to follow. TOM: [Carolyn] Oh, look... Ryan's flashing back again. CROW: [Crystal] I'll get the trank gun... > > > > "Why are we running?" Carolyn asked keeping in stride with me. CROW: [Crystal] Duh! So he can't catch us! > > > > "I don't know but I'm going to find out." I answered sprinting up to > Ryan. I ran a little passed him and did a quick pivot, TOM: [Crystal] ...breaking my ankle trying to do a 'quick pivot' whilst sprinting... > planting my feet > I put my arms out and braced for impact. Ryan crashed into me with full > force, BOTS: Clothesline! CROW: [Randy Savage] Ooooooh yeeeeeaaaaah!!! > if I hadn't taken tae-kwan-doe lessons I would have fallen over TOM: What-kwan-Wha? MIKE: o/~ WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! went the L33Tness! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! went our skulls! o/~ > but I managed to slow Ryan down enough to talk to him. [ALL break out in hysterical laughter.] MIKE: Ah yes, 'Slow Running Crackhead with Outstretched Arms.' Ancient taekwondo secret. > "Why are we > running around like crazed maniacs?" I asked. TOM: [Ryan] Do you want a Legolas fic or don't you! CROW: *Now* she wants a reason? MIKE: Hey, better late than never. > > > > "Because." Ryan whispered. "I'm trying to get David on the log ride." MIKE: Oh, well that makes... HUH?!? TOM: Sheesh! He makes it sound like a matter of national security whispering like that! CROW: Maybe it's really a model war sub. > > > > "How do you plan to do that?" I asked. CROW: [Ryan] By running round like a crazed maniac! Geez, aren't you paying attention? > > > > "I will keep running and run right into the log ride, hopefully > everyone will just follow me." Ryan said still whispering. TOM: Can one really *whisper* whilst running flat-out? MIKE: Sprinting through an amusement park? I guess SARS got to Vancouver after all. CROW: [British] Bring out your dead! > > > > "Ok then, sounds good." I said slowing down and going back to Carolyn. CROW: [Crystal] My godlike speed allowing me to do so with ease! > > > > "So what'd he say?" Carolyn asked. MIKE: [Crystal] 'You have no chance to survive make your time'? > > > > "Ryan says that the oompa loompas tried to capture him and he only just > got away." I lied. CROW: [Crystal] Reality is for suckers! > > > > So we continued running towards the log ride, unbeknownst to all but > Ryan and I. TOM: Ryan and *me*! You're trying to sound smart, but you just look stupid! > As we ran into the line-up I started giggling incessantly, MIKE: [stadium seller] Reefer! Get yer reefer here! > Carolyn thought I had finally lost it ~little does she know.~ ALL: [Crystal] I've lost it a long time ago! MIKE: Feh! She never had it in the *first* place! > > > > Nobody figured out where we were going until we got to the loading > platform. Ryan stopped and burst out laughing. MIKE: [Ryan] All right, who put nitrous oxide in my inhaler? > "I can't believe you > guys fell for that one." MIKE: Err... Technically, Freak Boy, it hasn't actually worked until they're actually *on* the ride. TOM: Ah, the author's vision: confusion wracked with ambiguity. > He said. TOM: 'Let there be Light.' > > > > David talked to the people operating the ride and convinced them to let > him jump over the narrow strip of water and leave the ride. CROW: So you can cut in line to get *on* a ride, but ya gotta beg to get off one... MIKE: Oh I dunno...sounds like a neat amusement park to me. BOTS: Mike! > The rest of > us got in one boat and it was pretty squished. (they're only supposed > to hold 6 people.) MIKE: It takes convincing for the employees to let someone exit the line, but they'll cheerfully exceed the boat's safe capacity? CROW: Safety violations are all in a day's work at Playland! > > > > "How did I end up in the front?" Joe asked. > > > > "Because we all called the back first." Stefan answered. MIKE: Ah, so *that's* the Canadian version of calling shotgun. > > > > Carolyn got the very back then Legolas, Ryan, Me, John, Stefan and Joe. > We went up the first, smaller, hill and at the top Ryan said. MIKE: [falsetto] I'll get you, my little pretty! And your little dog, too! > "Reeehh!" CROW: [badly dubbed] Oh no! Godzilla is attacking the Playland! TOM: [Joe] You said it, Chewie. Where did you dig up that psychotic fangurl? > > > > "Shnirrgginnn!" CROW: Lick meeeeeeeee!!! ALL: AIIAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! > I yelled as we sped downward. TOM: [Crystal] I REGRET NOTHING!!! > Just before we splashed > into the pool at the bottom of the hill I felt myself being pushed down > on top of John. Luckily CROW: [Crystal] ...he knew I was saving myself for Ryan. > a few seconds later we started up the big hill. > "Lean back." I told John. He passed on the message and with the gravity > we were able to sit up straight again. TOM: Thanks to GRAVITY! > > > > I turned to Ryan. "What did you do that for?" I asked loudly. > > > > "It wasn't me it was Legolas." Ryan protested. "Apparently Carolyn told > him that if he leaned forward he wouldn't get wet." > > > > "Tell him the point of this ride is TO get wet." I said. MIKE: You know, there's probably a less complicated way to see Legolas in a wet T-shirt... TOM: [Ryan] But the old Chinese man said not to get elves wet or feed them after midnight! > As we started > to go down the BIG hill I screamed in delight. MIKE: For the remainder of this scene, the part of Crystal will be played by Tommy Pickles. CROW: It's so innocent that I feel dirty.... > > > > SPLASH! We were thrown into the pool at the bottom, everyone got > soaked. TOM: [Crystal] Run-on sentences are a mark of functional illiteracy, I don't use them. > We turned the corner and were greeted by a spray. MIKE: [Crystal] No, kitty! CROW: [Ryan] I thought you got him fixed! > "Ahh, it's > the revenge of David!" I yelled. MIKE: [intones] Play Land II: The Wrath of Nerd. TOM: Revenge is a dish that is best served cold. It is very *cold* in Canada.... > > > > "What?" Legolas asked. > > > > "David must've paid $1 to use one of the water cannons to shoot at > us." TOM: If that's what you get for a buck, how much for live rounds? > Ryan explained. TOM: Jesus wept. MIKE: Stefan listened. CROW: Crystal domineered. > > > > We got off the ride dripping wet and David was waiting for us. "You > know what David." I said. MIKE: Spade? TOM: Bowie? CROW: Letterman? > "I think you need a hug." So I gave him a > huge hug getting him all wet. > > > > "Thanks." David said sarcastically. > > > > "Any time." I responded. > > > > "You know what I want right now?" Carolyn said. TOM: A third--or even second--dimension? MIKE: A coupon for half-off your next Shoney's buffet? CROW: A MAAAAAN?! > "An elephant ear." CROW: It's Mike Tyson versus Dumbo, live from the Vancouver Civic Center, in the pay per view event of the year. > > > > I gasped. "Me too!" I yelled and we jumped back TOM & MIKE: [Crystal & Carolyn] Kiss myself! Good God! > from each other. (We > always do that when we discover that we like the same thing or want it > at the same time.) MIKE: [Getting frustrated] Would someone *please* start making sense? PLEASE?!? TOM: My rule of thumb is that if it takes seventeen chapters to reveal a tic like that, it's not *that* important. > > > > "Ok so lets go, it's almost time to see Zyedco Jam anyways." Stefan > said. CROW: Hi-yo, Non-Sequitur! Away! TOM: Stupid question by Legolas in 5... 4... 3... 2... > > > > "What's an elephant ear?" Legolas asked as we walked. ALL: BULLS-EYE! MIKE: [Crystal] Well, you take an elephant and a big knife, and--is this a trick question? > > > > "An elephant ear is a flat round pastry shaped kind of like an elephant > ear. TOM: I'll take 'Circular Definitions' for $800 please, Alex. > They deep-fry it and cover it with things like garlic, jam or > cinnamon sugar. TOM: [Crystal] I, personally, prefer the pure plantation sugar known to man, but that's just me. > Elephant ears have numerous other names like beaver > tails and whales tails." I said. CROW: Eat your favourite species! TOM: Oh, the suspense! *Will* they get Elephant ears?! *Will* they get to see Zydeco Jam?! > > > > We got our elephant ears and went to see Zydeco Jam. MIKE: [to TOM] Yes. Yes, they will. > > > > My grandma and your grandma CROW: Uh.. What? > > Were sittin' by the fire. TOM: Oh, no... Oh, God, no... MIKE: You'd think she'd give *some* warning that she's about to plagiarize some more song lyrics. CROW: [grandma] Let's start another musical interlude for no good reason! ALL: YEE-HAW! > > My grandma told your grandma CROW: Yo Adrienne, wouldja pass me muh teeth? TOM: [old lady] I think children *are* getting stupider! > > "I'm gonna set your flag on fire" MIKE: Grandma, no! > > > > Talkin' bout CROW: Mairzy doats and dozy doats and little lambzy divy... > > Hey now! Hey now! MIKE: Um...don't dream it's over? > > Hey now! Hey now! > > Iko, Iko, unday CROW: [Knights of 'Ni'] Zoop boing! > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? > > Jockamo fee nan? TOM: You tell us! You're singin' the frickin' song! > > > > Look at my king all dressed in red CROW: o/~ In the Court of the Crimson Kiiiiii-iiing o/~ ALL: o/~ Ahh-ahhhh-ahh o/~ > Iko, Iko, unday. CROW: Aah, the King in Yellow's still more interesting. > > I betcha five dollars he'll kill you dead CROW: Or, perhaps just shoot ya down like a dog on the highway. TOM: Hell, I'd kill her for four. CROW: I'd do it for three. MIKE: One single, solitary dollar. TOM: Mike Nelson... BOTS: KILL THAT MARY SUE! > > Jockamo fee nan? > > > > Talkin' bout ALL: SHAFT! CROW: Can you dig it? > > Hey now! Hey now! TOM: o/~ Don't dreeeam it's ohhver o/~ > > Hey now! Hey now! > > Iko, Iko, unday > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? CROW: Par-laze vooz fran-caze? NON? Then you need the all-new 'INTERNATIONAL LOG'! > > Jockamo fee nan? TOM: [Legolas] Hark! 'Tis a song of my native land! > > > > My flag boy and your flag boy > > Were sittin' by the fire. TOM: Is that some secret NAMBLA code? > > My flag boy told your flag boy MIKE: [flag boy] I have no idea what a flag boy is! > > "I'm gonna set your flag on fire" MIKE: The part of the flag boy will be played by Orachi Iori Igami, who has been watching the Star Wars trillogy and drinking heavilly. TOM: [screechy old lady voice] This is why we need a Constitutional amendment to protect against this kind of hooliganism! MIKE: They're Canadian, Tom. TOM: [same] This is why we need a Constitutional amendment to protect against this kind of hooliganism, eh! > > > > Talkin' bout > > Hey now! ALL: o/~ You're an all-star / Get your game on / Go play o/~ > Hey now! ALL: o/~ You're a rock star / Get the show on / Get paid o/~ > > Hey now! Hey now! TOM: [Artie from "Larry Sanders"] Hey now! > > Iko, Iko, unday > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? > > Jockamo fee nan? CROW: Hey! Up yours too, pal! > > > > See that guy all dressed in green ? TOM: [Irish] Aye, and I'm goin' to steal 'is pot o' gold! > > Iko Iko unday MIKE: That's Celtic for 'They're always after me Lucky Charms!' > > He's not a man He's a lovin' machine. MIKE: Thrill as Kermit the Frog visits match.com. TOM: He's faster. Stronger. Better. CROW: Be sure to read the manual before operation. > > Jockamo fee nan? > > > > Talkin' bout > > Hey now! Hey now! ALL: HEY NOW! > > Hey now! Hey now! TOM: [singing] Don't dream it's oh-oh-ver... CROW: Man, that never gets old... > > Iko, Iko, unday CROW: [Bronx] Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin'...to *me*?! > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? > > Jockamo fee nan? CROW: o/~ Joc-ka-mo Martians...Joc-ka-mo Martians...o/~ > > > > See that guy all dressed in green ? MIKE: I'm afraid to now. > > Iko Iko unday > > He's not a man ALL: Once... I was... a maaaaaaan... [*DING!*] > He's a lovin' machine. MIKE: Mr. Green Jeans, NO! TOM: Or maybe it's Paul Pierce going to Woodstock? CROW: And for only 14.95, he'll give ya his sweet, sweet Yoshimitsu 2000 loving! > > Jockamo fee nan? > > > > Talkin' bout CROW: o/~ Bite me! o/~ OTHERS: o/~ Bite me! o/~ CROW: o/~ Bite me! o/~ OTHERS: o/~ Bite me! o/~ > > Hey now! Hey now! TOM: o/~ Repeat the song end-less-ly o/~ > Hey now! Hey now! CROW: I'm becoming reminded of the cautionary tale "The Song that Cried Hey now." > > Iko, Iko, unday > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? > > Jockamo fee nan? CROW: I suddenly feel an urge to watch Wings, Cheers, and L.A. Law on NBC... > > > > And the song went on and on like this for what seemed like forever. CROW: Yeah! Now you're gettin' it Crystal! Mike, if she keeps riffing herself so well, I say we leave! TOM: You know, I think I've got it! This whole story is a *satire* of the crushing conformity and banality of the modern suburbanite teen-age world! Trapped by peer expectations to enjoy pre-packaged corporate music, amusement parks, and constant one-upsmanship within their peer group, today's teenager, rather than looking for a creative outlet, surrenders to the overriding consensus and willingly leads an empty, shallow existence in servitude to the 'teen' culture since there seems no way of escape! It all makes sense now! [Beat.] CROW: Servo, that's a crock of-- MIKE: Let him cope in his own way, Crow. > > > > "How long is this song?" I asked after about 10 minute of it. Everybody > just shrugged. TOM: I'll take "Taste of Your Own Medicine" for $500, Alex! > > > > After Zydeco Jam we wandered through the barns. "HOLY COW THAT'S A BIG > COW!" Legolas exclaimed. TOM: [British] Bwaarp! Legolas Greenleaf, you are fined one credit for violation of the verbal morality statute.... CROW: Legolas saying "holy cow". After seeing rear-projected lizards pretending to be dinosaurs, weird omnipotent people with brains in frying pans, tiny hyperintelligent beings running around in another dimension... I can now truely say that I have, indeed, seen everything. MIKE: I think I read somewhere that if he starts saying "Sweet!" or "Cool!", the Seventh Seal breaks... > > > > "Big yes, holy no." I joked. CROW: Well, unless you're a Brahmin or something. > Ryan burst out laughing but the rest of > them just groaned. MIKE: The mirthful live longer, you know. CROW: Or they would if the grumpy didn't get to them first. > "Sorry, old habits die hard... MIKE: [Crystal] I can't seem to break being mind-numbingly dull. > anyway, meet Big Ben, > the biggest cow in Canada." TOM: *Charmed.* CROW: [Crystal] Or as she's known in the States, Roseanne Barr! > > > > "Wow." Legolas stated bluntly. CROW: [Frightened] MIKE!!! MIKE: Calm down. I think that just strips the finish of the Seal. TOM: [Legolas] You people have *no* lives. > > > > We walked over to the bird section. "That is one ugly bird!" Ryan > commented of the turkeys. TOM: [Ryan, British] But put a bag over her head, and I'd still shag her. > > > > "Ugly and stupid." I corrected. CROW: You don't want to offend the ugly and smart birds, after all. > "You know they will actually drown > themselves in the rain, yup, they will stand in the rain with their > mouths open for hours, until they drown." TOM: o/~ So blame it on the rain, yeah yeah! o/~ CROW: Stupid jerks... [The fourth wall rumbles threateningly.] MIKE: Funny, that reminds me of something... or someone... > > > > "Wow, they are stupid." David said. TOM: [Crystal] Is there an echo in here? CROW: [David] Not as stupid as Ryan, though... MIKE: [Ryan] HEY!!! > > > > "CHICKEN WITH A 'FRO! CHICKEN WITH A 'FRO!" Carolyn yelled. CROW: Whoa! She's gone off again! Use the taser! We gotta put 'er down! TOM: *BZZZZTTTT* MIKE: [Carolyn] --eek! > > > > "It does, that chicken has a 'fro!" I said. CROW: That chicken got soul, brotha. TOM: I especially appreciate the author's detailed description here that lets us visualize the moment... > > > > At 3:30 we left the barns and went to a different stadium to see the > Lipizzaners. TOM: So... No real point to the "Chicken with a 'fro" thing, other than to yell out "Chicken with a 'fro?" MIKE: Looks like. TOM: Oy... Why can't these guys do drugs or have unsafe sex or go on shooting rampages like normal teenagers? > "What smells so good?" Legolas asked. MIKE: [Crystal] Smells like they're cooking up the cock fight losers! TOM: [Ryan] That's capitalism, baby! > > > > I sniffed the air. "Mini doughnuts." I said happily "Lets get some!" CROW: Surely not a problem for *you*, dear... > > > > So we got 4 bags of mini doughnuts with cinnamon and sugar on them. TOM: Sound more like cereal than doughnuts... MIKE: But remember, you can't spell "doughnut" without "ugh." > "This has got to be the best fair food ever!" John commented. TOM: [John] I haven't thrown up or had one bout of explosive diarrhea all day! MIKE: I'd say that's on par with saying the Black Death is the best plague ever. > > > > We went and saw the Lipizzaners and then went on some more rides, TOM: After that thrilling description, it's no wonder they *had* to see those horses! CROW: Well, no lyrics to quote, mini doughnuts already described... how would they stretch it out? > got > some cotton candy and played some games. CROW: Spin the Bottle? > > > > We played roll-a-ball, which just happened to be TOM: ...an incomprehensible cinematic disaster helmed by once-respectable director John McTiernan, made from a mediocre 1975 James Caan dysto-pic. MIKE: That's 'Rollerball', Tom. TOM: Whatever. > the game with the frog > as a prize. I was # 8, my lucky number. TOM: For the *eight* circles of... Wait, for the *eight* deadly... MIKE: Oh, just give it a rest. > We started the race but all too > soon it was over, I looked at who had won and, low and behold, it was > John. MIKE: [Dully] And the crowd goes wild. What a surprise. Yaaaaay. > "You are so lucky." I said jealously MIKE: [John] Guess 8 wasn't so lucky after all, hmm? > as he got handed the big > lime green frog. TOM: *If* you know what she means. CROW: You know, with those words she has just described that plush frog better than any other character. MIKE: The frog I can picture. The rest are just names without faces...or even vague general appearances. > > > > "Here." John said thrusting the plushie into my hands. "You take it, I > don't want it." > > > > "Are you sure... Thank you so much!" I said hugging him. MIKE: [Crystal] o/~ I'm in love with a lime green frog / A lime green frog loves me / I don't know how it happened to me / But that frog was won by number three! o/~ > > > > At 5:30 we went to see the pig races. I looked up at the sign above us > and saw a big number 2. "K guys we're rooting for number 2." I said. CROW: [southern] That was #2! TOM: WOO! > > > > "Why?" John asked. TOM: [Crystal] Because I *said* so, fool! > > > > "The sign look at the sign." I said. MIKE: [John] 'Eat at Joe's'? How does *that* help? TOM: [Crystal] It is a sign from God. We *must* cheer for pig number two. > > > > A little while later the pigs started racing. "Go two." I yelled. CROW: [Crystal] Move it, pork chops, or you're *bacon!* > In > the end #3 won with 2 in close second. TOM: [Crystal] So I ordered number two's immediate slaughter and feasted raw upon its bloody innards...the price for failure. > > > > At 6:30 we got dinner at Hunky Bill's Perogies and sat down on the > grass in front of the Telus Concert Stage CROW: Sponsored by Telus, digital cable for the *unpatriotic* Canadian. > where ABBAmania would be > playing. > > > > A few minutes later Kyle showed up with his two little sisters in tow > (A/N: when I say little sisters one is 1 year younger than us and the > other is 2 years younger.) CROW: As a result, they will be speaking about nothing but boys. MIKE: Destinygurl's writing style seems to be, "Why just say it, when I can explain it in detail?" > > > > "Good to see you again." I said. TOM: [older sister] Oh, *you're* here. MIKE: [younger sister] The feeling is *not* mutual, you walking automaton of corporate consumerism! > > > > "Yeah it is, hey can you save us a spot, we haven't gotten diner yet?" > Kyle asked. CROW: [Crystal] But weren't you just o/~ sitting at the corner of the diner o/~ TOM: [Carolyn] o/~ do-doo do-doo-- o/~ MIKE: Stop it, I hate that song. > > > > "Sure no problem, just be back before 7:15, k?" I said. TOM: Nope, not if he has to drag that diner all the way there. CROW: Naw, security wouldn't like that anyway. > > > > "K." TOM: [Kyle] ...is the eleventh letter of the Roman alphabet, used in Classical Latin for words borrowed from Greek.... > Kyle responded heading away. TOM: [Tommy Lee Jones] Will you people STOP calling me?!? CROW: So since this story is basically Destinygurl's life with an elf unconvincingly added, she didn't even speak to Kyle's sisters, who in return utterly ignored her. MIKE: That's pretty much it, yeah. > > > > Just after that a small white thing flew passed my face and landed > squarely on John's forehead. TOM: [Ryan] I bit my wrist so I can die! See how it bleeds! MIKE: Ick, no! CROW: Come on, Mike. You *know* that's how Ryan's going to end up. MIKE: True, but nevertheless... > "Joe!" I said sternly. MIKE: [Crystal] If you don't behave, I *will* send you to your room! > > > > But before I could do anything another small white thing was stuck to > Stefan's glasses. "John!" I scolded. CROW: [Crystal] The turkeys've found us, and they're really pissed off! > > > > "What's going on?" Legolas asked. > > > > "Spit balls." I answered grimly. "It's something the guys do for fun." CROW: Sure... When you're *twelve!* MIKE: More like when they're *eight*! TOM: Only wholesome, time-tested diversions for *this* group! > > > > The fight between the 3 boys was getting furious. David and Carolyn > looked at each other, shrugged and joined in. TOM: Carolyn is a man? CROW: [Stan] This is pretty f*cked up, right here. > > > > I was about to yell at them to when a spitball hit me right in my > mouth, TOM: Big enough target. > I spit it out and glared at Stefan. MIKE: She can recognise his spit by taste, you see. > "Hobbit." I growled > dangerously. "You're going down." TOM: [Crystal] I'm going to plow down Bagshot Row and turn the Shire into an industrialized collective! > I took off the lid to my cup, sucked > an ice cube into my mouth and ground it into small pieces (a little > smaller than popcorn kernels). CROW: THRILL to the most electrifying spitball fight EVER caught on text! TOM: WE! DON'T! CARE! *pant* *pant* Muh muh muh Mike! Make her stop! MIKE: [gloomy] I wish I could. > > > > Joe took this unwise opportunity to say what he had been thinking. TOM: [Joe] Energy conservation begins with the individual! > "You > know technically you two just made out." He said. ALL: ...*WHAT*? MIKE: 'Technically'? What universe is he from? > > > > "Bad time to talk Joe." I said firing 3 particularly large pieces of > ice TOM: ...despite grounding the cube into 'popcorn-kernel-sized' pieces only seconds earlier... CROW: [Crystal] You *dare* speak to me? TOM: Fanboy. MIKE: Anyone else having visions of 'Weird Al' at the helicopter in 'UHF'? BOTS: No. > at him and, despite looking like they were going in a different > direction, TOM: Spit curve balls! CROW: Curve spit balls! > hitting him right between the eyes. MIKE: They're Magic Ice Shards! Get Oliver Stone on the line, quick! > Then I let loose a > barrage on Stefan for including me in this in the first place. TOM: [Crystal] FEAR ME! CROW: Fanboy. MIKE: Wow. In adition to Tae Kwan Do, motorcycle repair, mad cooking skilz, boating, Mario Party-playing, singing, and knowledge of two cities, she *also* masters the school of physically-impossible ice-spitting. Strange. > > > > Spitballs were flying everywhere and no one was safe so I taught > Legolas how to point and shoot. TOM: Er, I think the master-ARCHER probably understands that concept. > Finally there was no more ice or > napkins so we stopped. MIKE: Whew! I'm glad that's over. Things were starting to happen. > A little while later Kyle came back with his > food. TOM: How *convenient!* > > > > At 7:30 ABBAmania came out and started to play Chiquitita, then they > played Fernando. "Where is all the Saturday night fever stuff I want?" > I asked. MIKE: At the BeeGeepalooza next door! Duh! > > > > "I think you just got your wish." Kyle said as Waterloo started > playing. CROW: Featuring lead singer Napoleon Blown Apart. > > > > Some people were starting to dance so I stood up and grabbed John's > hand. "Dance with me." I said MIKE: Oh God, she's a raver, too. > and we started to swing dance. ALL: Va va va vooooooom!! CROW: Yeah, that's what Saturday Night Fever was all about - Swing Dance! > > > > After a few seconds Carolyn was dancing with Stefan and everyone was on > their feet. CROW: The other guys just stood on the Wall of Shame. TOM: I boldly predict that Crystal will end up teaching Legolas how to dance. CROW: Sucker bet. MIKE: In the hands of another author, that could be a cute, goofy, and possibly charming scene. Here, it'll just be another chapter in "Legolas: Prince of The Short Bus." > > > > "This is an extended version of this song." I said TOM: Oh Crystal, you know *just* what to say while dancing! > > > > "Butterfly." John said and we did the complicated swing move where we > made a figure 8 with our arms with our heads in the circles of the 8. MIKE: Oh, you learned that in P.E. Class! You're not fooling anybody! > > > > When waterloo ended TOM: ...Bonaparte was exiled to St. Helena, and Wellington was soon prime minister of Britain. > I thanked John. "It was my pleasure." John said. > "I haven't felt this exhilarated in a long time. MIKE: [John] You really light up my life. Truly you bring joy everywhere you go to everyone you meet. Thank you, Crystal, for making us all laugh and love...again. TOM: They're in high school. They feel 'exhilarated' every other week! > > > > "Yeah me neither." I said. "Hey Legolas, your turn." I pulled him up as > mamma mia started. TOM: And the nightmare begins in earnest! CROW: I don't know about you, but I picture the little girl standing on Tessio's feet during The Godfather wedding scene. > > > > Legolas, being an Elf was very graceful and he caught on quickly. CROW: Oh yeah, Legolas *is* an Elf, isn't he? I'd forgotten. > "You're doing very well for someone who has never danced swing before." > I commented. TOM: [Legolas] Baby, I *know* how to Jive and Wail! > > > > "Well, Elves by nature are fast learners and we all learn to dance when > we are young, it's just a different kind." Legolas explained. MIKE: Which is a shame, really: he would have liked to put on "Breakin' 3: Elvish Jubilee." > > > > "Well then I'm going to challenge you, do the butterfly." I instructed. > For one of the most difficult moves in swing dancing Legolas did very > well, although, I did end up leading. MIKE: So Tom was right, and I was wrong. But you can just tell it hurt Destinygurl to write that... CROW: [Destinygurl] Okay, so Legolas *isn't* completely ignorant and helpless... > > > > Carolyn was now dancing with David and it was funny to see them because > he was so mush taller than her. TOM: Not only that, but dancing with oatmeal's kinda hard. > David was about 6'1" and Carolyn was > 5'3". > > > > Dancing Queen started and I extended a hand to Kyle saying. "My I have > this dance?" TOM: [Kyle] Hey, Legolas - how do you say "OH HELL NO!" in Elvish? > > > > "Of course you can." Kyle said, almost a little too eagerly. MIKE: [Crystal] What gives? Usually guys run away like frightened animals whenever I ask them to dance... > > > > Once the first half of the performance was over, both Carolyn and I had > danced with each of the guys in turn. TOM: Even in *dancing* she has ADD! > I volunteered to get more drinks > for everyone on one condition, MIKE: [Crystal] ...that all of them sign in blood a pact to become my eternal slaves... > that there would be no more spitballs. CROW: [Crystal] 'Cause if there is, I swear I'll turn this crowd right around! > I came back with 8 coke slurpees and one orange. CROW: [Crystal] I never recovered from the spitball barrage that greeted me. > > > > "Hey, you remembered that I like orange slurpees better than coke." > Kyle said happily. MIKE: [Kyle] Your correct recollection of mundane details makes me euphoric! CROW: Who needs heroin when you're in the presence of Crystal? > > > > "Where's Joe?" I asked. > > > > "He went to get some homemade chips." David answered. MIKE: [Crystal] What? TOM: [David] Hash. MIKE: [Crystal] All right! > > > > "All right! Slurpees!" John said. > > > > "Yup slurpees for everyone." I said. MIKE: [Crystal] Of course I had to hock Legolas' knives, but he'll never miss 'em! > > > > A few minutes later Joe came back with a bag of freshly made potato > chips. I reached out and took one. "Hey!" Joe said. TOM: Where you goin' with that gun in your hand? MIKE: I'm goin' to shoot my old lady. Caught her messin' round with another man. CROW: And THAT, dear Destinygurl, is how you use song lyrics! > > > > One by one everyone took a few chips. "Quit it, quit it. Quit narkin' > on my stash!" Joe yelled. CROW: On the way out, Joe was politely "detained" by a nice man in a black coat who wanted a few words with him. > > > > "Joe you're not black." Carolyn said. MIKE: [Joe] Joe knows Joe aint black, but can ya dig it? Can ya? > > > > "Sure I'm black." Joe retorted. CROW: So meet Joe Black! > > > > "Sugar what." John said. MIKE: As the discussion threatens to become controversial, John helpfully suggests he's about to suffer from hypoglycemia. > > > > "You know, a white person pretending to be black is not as bad as a > white person pretending to be Asian." David said. TOM: And yet, neither is quite as bad as you pretending to be human. MIKE: [Crystal] Hey gang, let's play 'Insult the minorities'! Gotta hit every group to win! > > > > Knowing whom David was talking about CROW: ...unlike the reader... > I continued. "Or a Dutch person > who feeds the stereotype of being cheap." MIKE: Or a fangurl with an ego the size of Neptune. TOM: *sigh* Again with the cheap thing! CROW: Destiny-hun... Inside jokes are fine and dandy. Inside *chapters* are a bit much. > > > > Ryan coughed and it sounded suspiciously like MIKE: coughcrystalcough... > "John." > > > > We started laughing hysterically, John looked over at us and asked. CROW: [John] Are you really as lunk-headed and insensitive as this scene suggests? > "What?" TOM: [John] ARE YOU REALLY AS LUNK-HEADED AND INSENSITIVE AS THIS SCENE SUGGESTS!? > > > > This just made us laugh harder. MIKE: Ha ha, racism is fun! > "W-we're making fun of him and he > doesn't even know what we're talking about." Carolyn said, still > laughing. CROW: [Carolyn] Tee-hee! It's funny, cuz he's stupid! MIKE: You get the feeling Crystal and her pals like to knock over people on crutches and run? TOM: Hey, guys, there's something I gotta do... Let's get out of here... MIKE: Well, um, okay... CROW: Anything to escape the constant torment of Crystal's derogatory stereotypes and namecalling, I suppose. [Mike picks Tom up and the three exit the theater.] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Mike, Tom and Crow are standing around an assemblage of musical instruments and microphones. Mike and Crow are wearing garish, green polyester shirts, bellbottomed slacks, and puffy brown wigs. Mike is by a keyboard/synth drum machine set; Crow has a guitar strapped on. Tom is wearing a red-and- white embroidered dress covered in sequins and a long blonde wig. Tom is standing next to a microphone. Gypsy is behind all this, pulling what looks to be a huge satellite dish through a chain held in her mouth.] CROW: So, Servo... I thought your dream to create an ABBA cover band was just *that*... a dream. TOM: Not so, my friend! It occured to me while reading the fanfic that ABBA is coming back in a serious way. I mean, even Crystal and her ragtag band of teenagers from British Columbia can't get enough of their melodious Scandinavian synth-disco. So I said to myself, now's the time to strike while the iron is hot and exploit their new-found fame among today's youth before they once again fade into obscurity! MIKE: Well, don't forget, Tom, that your last attempt to manufacture a pop cover band created the atrocity that was "Kidz Bop"... TOM: Guh... don't remind me... [looking around] Hmm, we're still missing one little thing... [calling out to Gypsy] Hey, Gypsy, you wanna put down that ominous-looking satellite transceiver array and be in our ABBA cover band? GYPSY: [dreamier than usual] Sure... if it doesn't take too long... there's something I must do... TOM: Um, I guess not. We're just going to warm up with a little song I wrote in tribute to Crystal, who gave me this wonderful new inspiration... GYPSY: So what do I do? TOM: Looks like you're the backup singer, Gyps, which means basically you sing "ooooooooooh" at appropriate times and look pretty. Cambot has it all up on teleprompter; don't worry about it. So, Mike, why don't you put a wig on Gypsy here and let's get rolling! Time is money, people! [Mike reaches under the drum set and pulls out a puffy brunette '70s wig which he places on top of Gypsy's head.] TOM: And a-one, a-two, and a-one, two, three, four! [The band begins playing ABBA's "Dancing Queen."] ALL: o/~ Feel the mold Fill my brain. Your life is so-o mundane. See that girl. Watch her scheme. Reigning Fangirl Queen. o/~ TOM: [soprano] o/~ Another day, another Mary-Sue. There's so many grrls just like you. o/~ GYPSY: o/~ Basing your whole existence On a hunky movie star; Don't even know who you are. o/~ TOM: o/~ Orlando Bloom--now he's just the guy To make you and all your grrlfriends *sigh*. o/~ BOTH: o/~ Sittin' and watchin' "Fellowship" For the hundredth time, Thought, Why not write my own fic? And now you've got the chance... o/~ CROW: [spoken] *Thanks* FF.net! ALL: o/~ You are the Fangirl Queen! Obsessed with dreams, Only eighteen! Fangirl Queen, Editing With a guillotine, oh yeah! Shoehorn an elf Into your life, and Leech all the joy from our lives! See that girl; Not too keen. Reigning Fangirl Queen! o/~ MIKE: o/~ Write about nothing, yet you write so much. o/~ CROW: o/~ Toss in an insult at the Dutch! o/~ MIKE & CROW: o/~ All the other characters Have to worship you. When will this fanfic end? o/~ TOM & GYPSY: o/~ Okay, you proved your point... o/~ ALL: o/~ You are the Fangirl Queen! Kinda mean Best at everything! Fangirl Queen, Scene by scene, Boredom makes me scream, oh yeah! Retard friends, Canada, ohhhh-- How can it get any worse? See that girl? Watch her preen. Reigning Fangirl Queen! Reigning Fangirl Queen! o/~ [The music dies down.] TOM: Okay, guys, it's a wrap! Now all we have to do is sit back, relax, and let ABBA's astronomical success rub off on us! Woo-hoo! [Mads light flashes.] MIKE: Oh look, our biggest fans are calling. [Walking up to hit the button] What's new with you, Anni-Frid? [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: Boffo, guys! Socko, guys! Keep it up, and someday you might even be as good as A*Teens! In fact, I just got you guys your first gig! [SOL.] MIKE & CROW: Huh? TOM: What in Annika Sorenstam's name are you talking about, Pearl? [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: You heard me right, Bjorn! It's this cozy little place up north, called... Vancouver Playland! You'll be a huge hit at "Mary Sues Who Bring In A Fictional Character Get In Free Day" next week at the park. Lessee, your show times are at 11:30, 12:45, 2:00, 3:15, 4:30, 5:45, 7:00, 8:15, 9:30... [SOL.] ALL: AAAAAAAUUGGHHH!!!! TOM: Fame and fortune isn't worth this! I relinquish my celebrity status to the Backstreet Boys! Quick, somebody help me fake my own death! CROW: So I guess it's back to peaceful anonymity, right, gang? [Movie sign flashes. Klaxons blare.] MIKE & CROW: AAAAHH! FANFIC SIGN! TOM: o/~ I saw the fanfic sign, it opened up my mind, I saw the fanfic sign... o/~ MIKE: [grabbing Tom] Take it into the theater, cover-boy! [All exit, except Gypsy, who returns to dragging the huge satellite-dish thingy as Cambot follows the gang into the theater.] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > ********************************************************************* > 18. YOU'RE WHAT! TOM: How can one *not* make a contraception crack? CROW: With great effort. > > Disclaimer: Dose anyone CROW: No, thanks! I don't want to touch whatever stuff *you're* dosing.... > even read these anymore MIKE: We do. TOM: Unfortunately. > all we say is the same > thing I don't own anything!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIKE: With the last of her exclamation marks spent, she's destitute. > > > > KindCalypso: Thank you for reviewing again. Yes I liked the thought of > seeing Legolas swing dancing too. MIKE: KindCalypso: What the hell are you smoking and can you send me some? > > > > "Hey Kyle where'd your sisters go?" I asked. CROW: [Cartman] They got their bitch-asses back in the kitchen, and made me some pie! > > > > "They got bored and left." Kyle answered. TOM: Smartest people in the story, so far. MIKE: Chapter breaks are the perfect place to make your getaway. > > > > "Psh, kids these days don't appreciate good music." John said > cynically. CROW: So speaks Crotchety McOldman. TOM: We *are* still talking about ABBA, right? MIKE: [John] They don't even recognise the serene timelessness of 'Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)'! > > > > At 9:30 ABBAmania started to play again but it was slower set so we > just sat around drinking our slurpees. "OW!" Legolas yelled. > > > > "What?" I asked. MIKE: [Legolas] That mutant hobbit just threw another spitball at me! CROW: [Legolas] Lost another brain cell. One pops every hour or so. > > > > "My throat, it's cold." Legolas answered. MIKE: Suck it up, ya pansy. Have you gone up into the mountains for nothing? Piff. Elves today... > > > > "It's called a neck freeze it'll go away in a few seconds." I told > Legolas. CROW: Say, isn't a *brain* freeze more typical... Oh. Right. TOM: Kill them all now, Legolas. No jury would convict you after the loss of dignity you've suffered. > > > > After ABBAmania was done we stayed for Fire In The Night. "You might > want to cover your ears Legolas CROW: [Crystal] The music is *pretty* bad.... > it can get pretty loud." John > suggested. MIKE: [Legolas] Loud? LOUD? Like, for example, the ear-splitting screams of pain as my bow sends an arrow into the eye socket of an orc, as he rolls around on the ground bleeding to death and screaming over and over and over in pain, joining the countless others slain in a similar manner? Louder or quieter than that, *John*? TOM: [John] ...Eeeeeee... > > > > The three towers surrounding the stage lit up and there were a bunch of > dancers, wearing exotic costumes, MIKE: Hey, this is a *family* amusement park! > on each of the three levels. *Music > playing* MIKE: Time passing... CROW: o/~ Play that vapid music, fan gurl! o/~ > A person on the bottom level started dancing around with two > balls of fire on strings. ALL: [shout] Goodness gracious Great Balls of Fire! > Then the music changed. "Get ready for the > loudness." I said. (Every time the word loud is used in the song there > is a huge explosion) CROW: So Crazy Harry's kickin' ass and takin' names. > > > > Let's get loud, let's get loud MIKE: Oh no, not *more* song lyrics. TOM: Well, she does have one part of the LotR canon right: Never describe a song when you can WRITE OUT THE ENTIRE LYRIC! > Turn the music up, let's do it CROW: What, right here? In front of all these people? TOM: Maybe they wandered into Studio 54 by mistake. MIKE: Well, that *would* explain ABBA. > C'mon people CROW: [falsetto] ...let's work those glutes. A one-two-three-four- five-six-seven-eight-- > let's get loud > Let's get loud > Turn the music up to hear that sound > Let's get loud, let's get loud > Ain't nobody gotta tell ya > What you gotta do TOM: Um, wasn't the *song* just telling them... MIKE: The six huge explosions should have distracted them from thinking that. > > If you wanna live your life CROW: o/~ You gotta get with my friends o/~ > Live it all the way and don't you waste it TOM: o/~ ...writing pointless fanfics o/~ > Every feelin' every beat > Can be so very sweet you gotta taste it CROW: It tastes great! TOM: Less filling! CROW: Tastes-- MIKE: Okay, that one's even older than 'All Your Base'. > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > You gotta prove it TOM: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the evidence presented to-day can lead you to only one conclusion: This hep-cat's groovy! > You gotta mean what you say > Life's a party, make it hot > Dance don't ever stop, whatever rhythm > Every minute, every day > Take them all the way you gotta live 'em ('cause I'm going to live my > life) > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > You gotta prove it TOM: Prove what? The Pythagorean Theorem? MIKE: Any minute now, John Revolta's going to show up preaching about Thetans and ex-Navy writers of terrible science fiction holding the keys to salvation. > You gotta mean what you say > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > You gotta prove it > You gotta mean what you say > > Let's get loud, let's get loud ALL: [Deadpan] Boom. > Turn the music up to hear that sound > Let's get loud, let's get loud ALL: [Deadpan] Boom. > Ain't nobody gotta tell you > What you gotta do > > [BREAK ] CROW: YES! Run for it, guys! [All start to leave] > > Life is meant to be big fun ALL: AWWW! [All sit dejectedly back down] > You're not hurtin' anyone TOM: Ah, the band are Wiccans. > Nobody loses ALL: o/~ EXCEPT UUUUUUUUS! o/~ > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > To gotta prove it TOM: What is that, the present infinitive? > You gotta mean what you say > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > You gotta prove it > You gotta mean what you say > > Let's get loud, let's get loud > Turn the music up to hear that sound > Let's get loud, let's get loud CROW: By now, Playland must be a giant pile of smoldering rubble. > Ain't nobody gotta tell you > What you gotta do MIKE: Then how come you're ordering us to get loud? > > Let's get loud, let's get loud CROW: So, we're supposed to get loud? TOM: I don't know. They're not very clear on the subject. > Turn the music up to hear that sound > Let's get loud, let's get loud > Ain't nobody gotta tell you > What you gotta do > > "Well that was fun." I said once it was over. ALL: Says you! > > > > "Mmhm." Ryan agreed. TOM: Wow! A new catchphrase! CROW: [Crystal] You know, I think I'll leave the gag in. I like you better this way. > > > > Kyle left us and we wandered around a little bit more before getting a > snow cone and a caramel apple each and heading home. TOM: And the Playland adventure comes to a thrilling...anticlimax. CROW: And no description of how they got home, or how many times Ryan said reeehh, or how many times Legolas mentioned all the air below them? Sheesh! What a gyp! MIKE: SSSHHH!!! > > > > On Wednesday morning we got up around 9:30 and had a nice breakfast of > fruit salad CROW: Hand-made with fruit she grew, I'll bet. MIKE: You've got to start flushing out the arteries somewhere. > > > > "Hey Crystal why don't we rent Rose Red?" Carolyn suggested. MIKE: Because it sucks? > > > > "That's a great idea!" I said happily. CROW: The way it came completely out of nowhere and everything! > > > > "Rose Red?" Legolas asked. TOM: [Legolas] Isn't that a song by Edith Piaf? > > > > "A horror flick." I responded. MIKE: [Crystal] You know, like Battlefield Earth. > That didn't help at all TOM: ...Entirely as usual... > so we just went > to Rogers Video and rented the two video movie. TOM: [Quickly] Mini-series... > > > > We invited a bunch of people but only John could come. MIKE: [Crystal] I didn't feel like writing complicated dialogue. TOM: Hehe, Mike, that describes the whole fic. CROW: This has the stench of a porn scene set-up... > > > > At around 11:00am we got ready to watch the 6 hour-long movie. TOM: The Super-Deluxe-Ultra-Extended version of The Two Towers! CROW: This'll warm her up for the director's cut of Greed! MIKE: Personally, I think she doesn't have enough homework. > We > closed the drapes and turned off all the lights so it was pitch black. MIKE: Wait, I thought it was "Rose Red." CROW: *WHOA* hang on a minute. TOM: What? CROW: What would happen if, say, the ghost of Professor Miller came through the TV? MIKE: I... I... I *don't want to know*. > We all found a seat comfortably on the hide-a-bed. ALL: [church lady] And we all know how conveeeeeeeeenient that is! > > > > Just to scare Legolas a tiny bit before the movie I went up very close > to him and whispered right in his ear. [All whispering] MIKE: [Crystal] I'm pregnant. TOM: [Crystal] Hot dogs are made from *people*! CROW: [Crystal] Gimli's waiting for you in the the guest room. OTHERS: You win! > "Houses are alive... TOM: o/~ With the sound of music! o/~ CROW: Its "Roses are alive", you double-timing *super-moron!* If you're going to be a fan of the series you could at least get the best line in it right! Gaaargh! MIKE: Settle *down*. Jeeze. > this is > something we know... news from our nerve endings, if we listen closely we > can hear houses breathe, MIKE: Honey, how long has this olive loaf been here? > sometimes, in the depths of the night you can > hear them moan as if they are having bad dreams. TOM: [house] Waaaaahhhh, how many more paint jobs! How many more!!! Waaaaaahhhhh!!! CROW: [Crystal] Wait... That's just Grandma. KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE! MIKE: [Grandma] But I'm cold and I'm hungry and you won't untie me and... CROW: [Crystal] It's always about *you*, isn't it? > Some houses are good > and some are bad, good houses cradle, they make you feel warm and safe > but bad houses fill you with dread. Bad houses hate our warmth, our > humanness. MIKE: Bad houses are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. > It is this blind hate of us that makes a house haunted." TOM: [Legolas] That supposed to scare *me*? It's a friggin' *house*! What's it going to do, give a poor return as a long-term investment? MIKE: [Legolas] Ha, that's nothing! I grew up in a whole haunted *forest*, with spiders as big as your chest and streams of eternal slumber... BOTS: [Crystal and Carolyn] Aaaaaaaah! > > > > A shiver went down Legolas' spine although I'm not sure weather it was > from fright or the closeness MIKE: Well, who *wouldn't* be afraid of you being so close!? CROW: He might get *cooties!* > or the fact that someone was blowing in > his ear. CROW: Do I dare? MIKE: No sir. CROW: 'kay. > Probably a bit of all three TOM: He then spun around and dug a knife into my throat. Oh, what a kidder! CROW: When Joyce said the monologue later on in the movie, the dramatic effect was completely lost for him. But what do you care, Crystal? > > > > Just then Teddy bounded onto the bed TOM: [Teddy] Leggy! MIKE: [Legolas] It's 'Legolas'. I guess I've told you about my...condition. TOM: [Teddy] Yeah, only every time I see you. > knocking a full glass of grape > juice out of my hand causing the contents to spill. CROW: [Crystal] Well, at least I can explain *this* stain to Mom and Dad. MIKE: Eww... > Suddenly the juice > was being sucked back into the glass and the cup floated gently onto > the table. MIKE: [Crystal] Just then I realised I'd hit the 'rewind' button on the fic. > > > > "Well, I haven't seen you do that in a while." John commented. TOM: [John] Ho-hum. Unexplained occult powers. *Yawn*. > > > > Legolas started to freak out. "What devilry was that!?!" He yelled > standing up. MIKE: He has to make up for John somehow. TOM: [Legolas] I knew it! You *are* a Ringwraith! > > > > "If you'll calm down I tell you." I said sitting down on and motioning > for Legolas to do the same. CROW: [Gryphon] Okay, story time. > "I'm a telekinetic." I started. BOTS: *WHAT* THE HELL NOW?!? MIKE: Yep. One of the big five Mary Sue clichés: Exotic beauty, mad skilz at nearly everything, ridiculously noble character, love and devotion of an existing character... And mental powers. TOM: Two out of five, with a buttload of story to go... CROW: Just two? TOM: Yeah - she's not "exotically beautiful." She's just garden variety, jaw-dropping HAWT! > > > > "You're a what!?!" Legolas yelled. MIKE: [Hagrid] You're a wizard, Harry--I mean, Crystal... > > > > "A telekinetic... I can move things with my mind." I answered, then, > seeing that my explanation was not getting us anywhere TOM: ...since the elves live and breathe magic, Legolas would *obviously* be stupified by the rather mundane effects of telekinesis... > I told the whole > story. "It all started when I was 14, CROW: [Crystal] One of my nerd-friends recommended I read Lord of the Rings, and your fate was sealed. MIKE: You're implying she *read* the book, Crow. > I was over at Carolyn's house and > we were watching 'Rose Red', which has a bunch of psychics in it, MIKE: [Crystal] Nostradamus, Johnny Smith, Dionne Warwick....They're all there! > including a telekinetic. After the movie I was saying how fun it would > be CROW: [Crystal] ...for a movie character to pop out of Carolyn's TV... > to be able to move things with my mind MIKE: The suspension of reality, the realization of a fabled dream... Yeah. *Fun.* > so as a bit of a joke I tried > to make a piece of paper go into the garbage can, surprisingly the > paper moved. (All make blowing sounds at the screen) CROW: Well, it's a good thing they weren't watching "Carrie." > I was scared to say the least CROW: And one more time, Crystal channels the audience. > but since then I have > perfected my gift and now I can control things quite well. MIKE: Everything but her propensity to use run-on sentences. TOM: [Crystal] A while ago, this bald guy in a wheelchair offered to help me control my powers. Like I need help! > It takes a lot of energy so I don't move anything big." I explained. TOM: [Yoda] Size matters not. MIKE: [Legolas] Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up this story's plot, or given you clairvoyance enough to write a single scene that doesn't cause the reader to seethe with rage, lusting to see your very life's blood flow red upon the ground-- CROW: Okay Mike, we get it. [whispering] What was *that*? TOM: [whispering] I don't know, he was *way* off-script. > > > > "And why haven't I heard about your gift until now?" Legolas asked > indignantly. CROW: [Crystal] Well, I don't like to brag. [pause.] ALL: BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! > > > > "I tend not to tell people as they usually get nervous around me after > that." I answered. MIKE: [Legolas] So you thought that I - someone who's fought with and against people who are on a first name basis with the fundamental forces of the universe - would freak because of your little spoon- bending exhibition? TOM: [Crystal] Well you did, didn't you? MIKE: [Legolas] ...Shut up. > > > > "What about him?" Legolas asked pointing to John. CROW: [Crystal] Oh, him? He bites his nails, and he's not very good in the sack. > > > > "My friends from church have known since I learned how." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] Due to my chronic inability to keep a secret. TOM: Yes, church folk are famous for their acceptance of all things paranormal. MIKE: And they've been nice enough about it to not excommunicate her. > > > > "Can you do anything else besides move things?" Legolas asked. MIKE: [Crystal] I thought you'd never ask? BOTS: o/~ BOMP CHICKA WOW! BOMP CHICKA WOW! o/~ > > > > "I'm sort of telepathic ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!! > but only with Carolyn ALL: Phew. CROW: Wait, wait a moment. Why only with Carolyn? TOM: It must be because she's her life mate. [pause.] CROW: You... You... You *took* my *goddamn* *line*. > and I turn stuff on and > off if that's what you mean. MIKE: [Legolas] No, that's not what I mean. 'Turning stuff on and off' is also telekinesis, not telepathy, which is extrasensory communication. Christ, don't you know meanings of words in your own language? > See." CROW: See Mary-Sue patronize. Patronize, Mary-Sue! Patronize! > I said starting the movie from where > I sat and ending the discussion. MIKE: [Crystal] ...using an ancient mystickal artefact known as 'The Remote Control'. TOM: Yeah, who *really* cares about sudden psychic powers? Back to the movie! > > > > After Rose Red, CROW: That's it? That's *it*? No witty commentary? No amusing banter? No more quoting from the script verbatim? What a gyp! > (about 5:00) we went to Wendy's for dinner. I got a > mandarin chicken salad, Carolyn got chicken nuggets, John got a double > classic burger and Legolas got a single classic burger. TOM: But what did they have to *drink*?! CROW: Look, it may have been interesting when Tolkien described his characters' meals, but this is just kind of sad. > After supper CROW: ...she took the cup of ice cream and said, Take, eat. This is Baskin Robbins, which is given for you. Do this, or I'll rip out your entrails with a scythe. MIKE: [quietly]...so many letters... > John went home and so did we. TOM: [Sputtering] Hol.. Wha... Wa... HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD... *IT!!!* Let me get this straight: Crystal just revealed that - for all intents and purposes - she's a frickin' mutant! You'd think that would be a fairly important plot point, right? OTHERS: Right. TOM: And in addition to that, she reveals this to Legolas, who's the only one outside of the Teen Gang who knows this, right? OTHERS: Right. TOM: So why the Heck Ramsey did she not only reveal this secret as a cheap parlor trick, but then react to Legolas' shock like he caught her removing her colored contacts?!? CROW: You forget, dear Tommy, that to Crystal, psi-abilities are just another set of "Cool Things I Can Do." TOM: [Sadly] You're right. What *was* I thinking? ************************************************************************** TOM: And *another* chapter comes to a gripping climax and then falls off the face of the Earth. CROW: So what do we do? MIKE: We... get out of here. [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Crow and Mike are sitting around a hardwood table in the center of the room. The lights have been turned down to create a slightly eerie atmospheric effect; instead of the usual shipboard lights, a few softly burning candles are spaced evenly around the bridge. Adding to the slightly spooky atmosphere is Tom floating directly above the center of the table, motionless, in what appears to be his best approximation of a lotus position.] TOM: Good evening, torturers, torturees and the watchers of us both. I, Thomas Servo, and my compatriots here, have decided that around here would be a truly magnificent and spectacular time to host a round-table discussion group session. In this session, we will be discussing... self-insertion. Mary-suing. What, exactly, is it? Why has is become such an incredibly popular phenomenon? What can be done to stop it? We shall discuss these issues, and the deep, philosophical meanings thereof, posthaste. To begin with, Crow? CROW: Why do ya always got to pick on me first? TOM: It is a random event. Now, Crow T. Robot, would you kindly tell us: why do you think that people write stories this way? And what kinds of people, as a demographic, mainly do so? CROW: [clears his throat] Well... I think that its a sort of call for help; an attempt at getting attention. These kids--and it really is most often kids writing these things--are ignored and teased their entire life, so they get back by having people based on themselves beat the crap out of huge Gundams in a story, so they can feel better about themselves; "Jerry called me a stupid nerd who can't see four feet without his glasses, but I just blew up the Death Star! Who needs to listen to him?" TOM: Thank you for that, Crow. Now, Michael J. Nelson, would you, please, open discussion on the same issue? MIKE: Thanks. Well, I think that the main problem with these people is that they have a really thin line, if one at all, in their heads that separates truth from fiction. I think that they think that if they write themselves being all-powerful and mighty, it'll just become true. And to give them credit, I'm sure it really does help their self-esteem. TOM: I see. So what you are saying is that people with low opinions of themselves write these attempts at "literature" to make themselves look better? CROW: I think so, yeah. MIKE: Sure, okay. They might not *know* they're feeling down; it may just be, you know, deep down and such. TOM: Ah. I see. Very insightful. When it is put this way, it really doesn't seem like that bad a thing. Care to expand on this, Mike, Crow? CROW: Hmm.. Actually, that's a good point. I mean, really. When's the last time you've seen a self-insertion writer torching a Kwik-E-Mart? MIKE: Not that they could. CROW: [irked] Not that they could, yes, thank you, Mike. But you get my point, yes... MIKE: Yeah, okay, I see what you're going for. I mean, writing is certainly a beneficial activity, and the time you're spending writing is time you could be spending plotting to destroy your family and friends in carefully staged mass murders. Maybe that this is these people's way of just coping with reality. And, although its not that healthy for others, I personally feel that it's a great deal healthier than, say, Dylan Klebold handled it. CROW: Yes, true. But honestly, Mike, do you think that someone who writes self- insertion fics has the intelligence to *use* a shotgun, let alone acquire one? MIKE: Well-- CROW: Or that he could make his own explosives? MIKE: No, but-- CROW: Or that he could plan something elaborate if need be? MIKE: Well, no, I don't, but that's beside the point. I certainly wouldn't rather take that chance. TOM: This is, really, excellent discussion we have going here. Let us move it more towards today's fanfic of perusal, if we may. What do you think powers Crystal's obsession to keep on writing? CROW: Well, I, personally, think that it has to do with long-felt, unfulfillable desires. It seems to me that Crystal is thinking a lot more of Orlando Bloom playing Legolas than the actual Legolas himself. I mean, hell, I can't really think of a woman who wouldn't want Orlando Bloom to pop out of their TV. I mean, I personally wouldn't mind, say, Sarah Connor from the first Terminator movie popping out of *my* television. TOM: Thank you, Crow, for that endlessly fascinating comment. I'm sure that future generations will repeat that to their descendants for centuries. CROW: Shut up. MIKE: If I may, I'd like to mention the way the television seems to influence the way Crystal writes her story. TOM: Absolutely. MIKE: Well, it just seems that every supernatural thing she does seems to revolve around it. Legolas came out of her TV in the first chapter. And now, in the 18th, we learn that Crystal discovered that she had telekinetic powers after watching "Rose Red". I think that this is a perilously disturbing trend, really. Especially when you consider that a lot of her "humor" comes from terribly mis-paraphrased lines from Disney movies. If you look at it closely, it would appear that the *television* is controlling her reality. Rather than Crystal using the narrative to subjugate the laws of physics to the will of the television, there is a deep, and rather frightening, subtext that would seem to indicate that the television is forcing Crystal to subjugate the laws of physics to it. Almost as though the television was using Crystal for its own ends. TOM: ...Wow. That's... That was amazing, Michael. Thank you, very much. [clears his throat] So... any final thoughts, then? CROW: Well, no, not really. I must say, that subtext thing really is kinda disturbing, when you think about it. So, um, Crystal? Hun? If you're hearing this? For god's sake, *just say NO* to TV. Okay? OKAY? Thank you. Thank you very much. MIKE: Yes, I agree with Crow. Get away from the TV. Instead, why not get a good book? As long as it isn't one written by Kevin J. Anderson, I think she'll be all right with whatever she chooses. TOM: Thank you, Michael. [clears his throat again] And now, friends, we must take commercial sign. For MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000, I am Thomas Servo, with Crow T. Robot and Michael J. Nelson. Thank you for viewing, and enjoy the rest of the show. [Tom floats over to the console, and pushes the commercial sign light. He slightly ruins the scene's dramatic effect (TM) by bonking it with his head.] ((((((((( END OF PART 6 - MORE PARTS COMING SOON! )))))))) Special thanks to His Majesty the God-Emperor for the "Fanfic Queen" song parody. Special thanks to James Bond for the "Round Table Discussion" host segment. All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. The authors of this MSTing are also not responsible if you, while reading this MSTing, have an average-looking guy or a wise- cracking robot pop out of your computer. ----- Last updated: 6 October 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > "Hey Carolyn do you remember what we did on our grade 7 grad trip?" I > said...[She] nodded. "Remember what we did?" I asked. Carolyn nodded again > and smiled. "Do you want to do that again?" I asked.