MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Part 8 of 9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, Chan-wu Yi, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random, Typewriter Monkey and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missing a part? Still don't know what's going on? Read the entire "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom ***** [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > 22. Authors Note MIKE: Tom, can an author's note constitute an entire chapter? TOM: Not in our universe, Mike. I guess many-worlds *is* the correct explanation for waveform collapse! > > I changed my pen name for anyone who needed to know it's now Isis after the > Egyptian goddess of magic. CROW: Never too late to hope for divine intervention, huh? TOM: Ga--Hey, you can't do that! You can't change your name in the middle of the story! MIKE: Well, she may Mary-Sue the hell out of everyone else, but *I'm* not calling her by a goddess's name. No, sir! > > > > If you hadn't noticed or haven't been keeping track I telling you now that > my story is almost over [Handel's Hallelujah chorus begins to play. MIKE stands and raises his arms to the ceiling. The BOTS look up at him, staring with mouths agape.] MIKE: [southern evangelist] Mah frey-ends, the Lawd ah Gawd has delivahed us from the depths of Hey-yell in thi-yis, ah dahkest-- > but, it just your luck, MIKE: [nervous] And here comes the hurt we've grown so ready to expect... > I've been inspired to write > a sequel [The chorus abruptly ends. MIKE droops.] TOM: She knows we're here. She's taunting us. It's the only possible explanation. CROW: [sobbing] Nietzsche was right! NIETZSCHE WAS RIGHT!! [MIKE sits down.] MIKE: [sniffingly] Why, God? WHY?! > entitled Legolas, MIKE: ...'Kicking Him While He's Down!' CROW: I guess we're over that. MIKE: I guess so. Tom? TOM: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MIKE: There, there, honey. > Back 2 the Future, 2: CROW: 2 cute 2 be impressive. > South of the boarder. CROW: The inspiring story of Legolas' adventures one block south of his boarding house. MIKE: Just what *would* be south of the "border" to them? TOM: [Crystal] Saddle up, guys, we're going to Vermont! > It's going to be fun. It's basically the same plotline but with a new twist: CROW: You mean there's a plot? TOM: It actually has a plot? MIKE: There'll be a plot? > we can't get Legolas back to his home! BOTS: Aaaaaagggggghhhhh!!! MIKE: Actually, guys, it might not be as bad as we think? TOM: Mike? Have you lost it completely? CROW: It's the story, I tells ya! MIKE: No, listen, you guys. Think about it. It's the same plot line, right? BOTS: [hesitantly] Riiight? MIKE: So, if it's the same plot line, we've already seen, we'll be ready for it, and it can't drive us insane! [All think for a beat, then...] CROW: Hey Pearl? Has Isis started writing that sequel yet? We wanna read it! TOM: Yeah, Pearl. Give us the whole thing. CROW: *And* an appendix! PEARL: [over intercom] Really? You guys want...hey! [Mike and bots snicker] > Find out why and lots more soon. MIKE: Mmm... Pass. > > > > For those of you who want a preview of my second story here it is. MIKE: [Isis] And for those of you who don't want a preview, tough! CROW: Er... Shouldn't you, like actually _finish_ the first story before starting the second? Just a thought. > > > > Carolyn, Ryan, John, David and I are going down to Mexico (the Baja > pronounced ba-ha CROW: Bwahahaha? > meaning below) TOM: Ah, Mexico by way of Australia then? > to work in an orphanage for 6 months, TOM: Oliver Twist, no! CROW: Maybe they'll get typhoid and dysentery. > we are there for about a month when something unexpected happens [CHORD] CROW: NO-body expects the Spanish Inquisition! > and we meet up with an old friend, MIKE: [Crystal] Tequila! > that we thought we would never see again. TOM: Joe? CROW: Jeffrey! Woo hoo! MIKE: Oh, it's gotta be *Kyle!* > I the story TOM: Not content with being the main character, Crystal proclaims herself the entire story now! MIKE: Is there no end to her megalomania? > you'll see MIKE: Hoo boy, big list time. TOM: Y'know what this means, right? MIKE: A-yep. Crow? CROW: Ready and waiting. MIKE: Good. On three, ready? BOTS: Yep. MIKE: 1... 2... 3. [ALL spontaneously slump down in their chairs, asleep.] > a crazy old guy with a machete, CROW: [talking in his sleep] ...And actually, it kind of comes to an end there. > beans, Spanish rice, > beans, Spanish rice, TOM: [talking in his sleep] Spam, spam, and spam! > spaghetti that tastes like Spanish rice, MIKE: [talking in his sleep] A proud and ancient culture reduced to food jokes... CROW: [still talking in his sleep] Par for the course. > more of my > motorbike, TOM: [tossing and turning] The left front shock and ignition system, specifically. > a poor little dog named Oscar, TOM: [in a somnambulic fit] Yikes, it's Oscar! Mothers, lock up your daughters...err, *and* your sons... *and* your household pets.... > Crazy Mexican kids make off with > John's hat, glasses, shoes, shirt, CROW: [yawning] ...balloon animals, chewing gum, 'Italian Stallion' vibrator... > frisbee, bubble solution, etc. etc, MIKE: [snoring] His *bubble solution*? Is John out of diapers yet? TOM: [coughing] Those crazy Mexicans! Always stealing like dogs from the Master Race. > scorpions, Garbage dumps, driving Mexican style (14 people +14 people's > luggage, in a six seater van), TOM: [mumbling] And more of your favorite insulting Mexican stereotypes! > and Legolas's problems with the language > barrier. TOM: [muttering] Well, that last one sounds like an old plot point. MIKE: [lethargic, as Legolas] Puede... hablar... sindarin...? Geez, Crystal, why couldn't you have summoned me from the Spanish dub of Lord of the Rings this time? > > > > #$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$ [ALL wake up and stretch and yawn as if they had come out of a deep sleep.] CROW: Man, how long were we out? I don't feel rested at all! MIKE: Yeah, this is weird. We were sleeping for a good long while, but my mouth aches like I've been doing nothing but talking the whole time! TOM: Huh... > > > > By the way this story is going to be rated PG-13 because Ryan and John and > Joe have started to do some really weird things CROW: We must be watching the wrong PG-13 movies. > (saying somewhat sexual > jokes) MIKE: They're teenage boys. Sexual jokes are *normal*, not weird. TOM: You guys realize that this means Destin-isis-whatever is going to start actually doing the innuendo thing on purpose? CROW: And this worries you? TOM: Why shouldn't it? Just think of her attempts at "humor." Then apply that to off-color stuff. CROW: Ouch! Touche... > but it is really funny and I felt like I needed to ad it. CROW: No need to advertise. Really. > Nothing is > going to happen MIKE: Well, it wouldn't be your story if something did. > it's just going to be joked about. CROW: Aww. Well, *that's* no fun. TOM: All buildup, no payoff! MIKE: And nothing's *ever* going to happen with *that* kind of flippant attitude! > If you don't > read/watch/listen to things that are PG-13 then TOM: ...you lead a boring, sterile life bereft of imagination. > I suggest you don't read > the story, below is an example of what you might be hearing. > > > * TOM: This is the text equivalent of "Four Minutes Thirty-Three Seconds." > > * > > * MIKE: Wow, I'm glad we have this break to recover from all that introduction. > > * > CROW: It's so hypnotic... I just can't turn away... MIKE: My god! It's full of... stars! > * > > * TOM: This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test. > > * > > * > MIKE: Funny, I thought one *saw* stars, rather than heard them? > * > > * > CROW: Can we help you, fanfic? Do you need a push or something? > * > > * > > * MIKE: When you wish upon a star your dreams come true. CROW: Not *my* dreams! > > * > > * > > * MIKE: o/~ You're a super star, that is what you are... o/~ CROW: It's what what an ejected space fighter pilot sees! Only... STUPID! TOM: It's what we think of this fanfic, turned sideways, censored up real nice, and stuck *straight up* that Mary Sue's candy ass! MIKE: It's the epaulet they give to a 15-star general! TOM: It's... its so hypnotic... can't look away... can't... all hail the Crystal republic! CROW: It's a picket fence seen from a helicopter spiraling hopelessly out of control! MIKE: Upon entering the room you see several large spinning gears that have no apparent use which kill you instantly. Quick! What first-person shooter are you in? TOM: [panicked] Half-life? Halo? Unreal Tournament? Fire Zone? Wing Commander? Duke Nukem? Stationfall? Jet Grind Radio? Blake Stone? Street Fighter Alpha? Soul Blade? Final Fight? Streets of Rage? Golden Axe? Shinobi? Doom? Commander Keen? Wolfenstein? Pass! Pass! CROW: [screaming] G T AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! MIKE: ...Now that was wholly unexpected. [pause] Wait, *Stationfall*?!? [Tom shrugs.] > > Ryan dropped the tape to the ground but before he jumped off the stepladder TOM: ...hanging himself, his last words were "I'm out of this fanfic! I'm free!!!" > he started dancing. "Sexual harassment PAN-Da" MIKE: Tonight, on a very special episode of Ranma 1/2... > with the last word Ryan > jutted his elbows behind him and thrust his hips. (The sexual gesture) TOM: 'Cause there's only one. CROW: I always thought anyone who liked South Park couldn't be all bad. Shoots that theory all to hell... > > > > "That looks really wrong Ryan." I said. "But funny... I'm not sure weather > to laugh or be disgusted." CROW: I'm not sure whether to cry or barf. > > > > Anyways that's the worst it's going to get MIKE: Embarrassingly awkward and stupid? > the other funny ones that you > are going to hear a lot would be "When I grow up I want to be a(n) > [ass...truant (astronaut)] CROW: That's someone who gets his butt out of school without permission. > or [hor... strainer (horse trainer)] TOM: Come on, why not dream *really* big? > or [homo... > ner (homeowner)]" CROW: [banging head against seats] Please, Crystal! We beg you! Just leave the comedy to the comedians, okay? MIKE: [jock] Yeah, that's as funny as a screen door on a battleship! TOM: [whisper] That's 'screen door on a submarine', ya dork. > > > > #$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$# TOM: Oh, *that's* rich. > > > > Here for you now is a sample of what you would be hearing in the story. MIKE: I think the general policy is to *finish* the first story before writing its *sequel*.... TOM: o/~ What shall we do with a drun-ken-nar-rator, what shall we do with a drun-ken-nar-rator, what shall we do with a drun-ken-nar-rator, er-lai in the stor-ry. o/~ CROW: o/~ String her up to her mouse by her an-kles, string her up to her mouse by her an-kles, string her up to her mouse by her an-kles, er-lai in the mor-ning. o/~ MIKE: Um... > > > > One morning in early November (November 6, 5:15am) I was awoken by a > shuffling in my room at the end of my bed. TOM: [Groundskeeper Willie] Och--Zombies! > "Carolyn I told you not to use > your master key (master key: opens all the rooms in the building I have one > too) CROW: (Obvious: defines things that don't really need defining.) > to break into my room." I said loudly. TOM: [Crystal] How many times do I have to tell you? *Don't* try to murder me in my sleep! > The movement stopped and I > started to panic, this wasn't Carolyn. The silhouette of this person was > taller, more muscular and, I gasped, had long blonde hair. MIKE: It's the new Frito Bandito - Olaf! CROW: [Crystal] A transvestite has broken into my room! TOM: [Crystal] Ru Paul! I told you never to come here! > "Legolas?" I > asked tentatively. TOM: Oh for--author, it could be *anyone!* It could be Ghengis Kahn! It could be a member of the Beatles! It could be a bloody porn star! Good lord, from that description it could be Catherine freakin' Tramel! > The head whipped in my direction. TOM: The zombies are throwing body parts at her now? CROW: Wouldn't you? > "Is that you?" [ALL sigh] MIKE: No, doorknob...it's that *other* blond-headed elf. > > > > "Crystal?" The voice asked hopefully. TOM: [Legolas] Could it be you? Lying, alone and defenseless, just waiting for me to slip in my kni--heeeeya there, darlin'! how's the, ah, pure plantation sugar known to man going? > > > > "Si, I mean yes." I stammered accidentally switching to Spanish as I often > do in Mexico. MIKE: Mighty white of you, Crystal. > > > > Legolas needing only that conformation dropped his bow and swept me up in a > tight embrace. CROW: Woo-hoo! Looks like we might be getting into the PG-13 material soon! MIKE: Don't get your hopes up. TOM: Indeed; "tight embrace" might as well be "firm handshake," here. > > > > We broke TOM: Ryan picked their pockets while they were hugging. > and I looked him over. CROW: [Crystal] Nice package, tight buns, pretty face...you'll do! > "Wow." I said. "I thought I'd never see you > again." TOM: [Legolas] You and me both, sister...you and me both! > > > > "Yeah same here." Legolas agreed. MIKE: ...sobbing. CROW: [Legolas] Note to self: Find out why Gandalf cast "Unending Nightmare" spell on me... TOM: Can't you just feel the savage throbbing passion? ...Wait, that was lunch. > > > > There were a few minutes of silence as Legolas took in his surroundings. MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, this is a nudey bar! > "Crystal, this isn't your house, where are we?" TOM: [Legolas] And when I say "where," I mean "Which circle of Hell?" > He asked. TOM: Now the Elf is God. CROW: Well, millions of preteen girls think so, so it must be true. > > > > "Well we're a long way from home." I said, avoiding the question. CROW: [Legolas] We're in another damn mall, aren't we? > > > > "Where?" Legolas persisted. TOM: [Crystal, shrilly] WE'RE IN DES MOINES, OKAY?! ...It was an accident, I swear! > > > > "Vincente Gurrero, TOM: From Detroit. Yea, I remember this pug. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago. MIKE: Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of 'Kid Minneapolis'. CROW: Hey, I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once, in Cincinnati. TOM: No, you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly. MIKE: He was killed in the ring in Houston by Tex Colorado. You know, 'the Arizona Assassin'. CROW: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember if it was North or South.... TOM: North! South Dakota was his brother, from West Virginia. MIKE: You sure know your boxing. TOM: Well, all I know is: Never bet on the white guy. > Baja California, Mexico." I answered straight out. MIKE: [Legolas] I've really got to get myself a better travel agent! > ********************************************************************* > 23. Colored Tape ALL: Taaaaaaape!!!! MIKE: As in, "red"? > > If anyone knows where to get the script for The Two Towers please let me > know via email (check my bio) or review CROW: Okay, that's *gotta* be an abuse of the FF.net review board! > (review anyway). CROW: Oh, that'd be www.pyramidgameshow.com. > > > > I'm doing a poll, which of my friends do you like the best; MIKE: Can I vote "None of the above" and be done with it? TOM: Same here. CROW: Me three. > Ryan, the crazy > idiot with an IQ of 140 TOM: I think the IQ graders misplaced a decimal point somewhere.... > and a knack for getting into trouble. MIKE: And for eating crayons... > John, the one > who is just a fun-loving freak of nature, still with a scar from where he > kissed the fridge TOM: [whipcrack] Down, boy! CROW: A boy and a major appliance: Can they be happy together? Next Ricki Lake! > (you'll find out in this chapter or the next) CROW: Or you could just say, "You had to be there" and be done with it? TOM: And avoid another pointless interlude? Hah! > and love of > writing Metalica CROW: Should we tell the poor guy his mark on the world is misspelled? > or POD on anything and everything he allowed to (painting > drop-cloths, paper, MIKE: Snowy mashed potatoes... TOM: Wet concrete... CROW: Priceless tapestries... > in the dust on a car etc.). TOM: Damn it Mike! Now she's just saying her random words again! CROW: Oh, I dunno...maybe she's one of those typewriter monkeys or something. > Joe, the punk/skater boy > that loves rather strange humour, has a small fro and wears a top hat. [ALL chuckle.] MIKE: Here comes Joe, on a skateboard with a dozen tatoos and tongue stud and a mohawk...and a top hat and monocle! TOM: [British] I say ol' chap, the melodic structure of Coldplay is *quite* superior to the amateurish rambling of Sum 41, the rapscallions! > David, one of the quiet ones but very smart, he loves to talk about hockey, > when he does talk, MIKE: Demonstrating the subtle choices of his vast intellect! > and is said to make odd comments like 'so did you see > that hockey game?' in the middle of summer when there is no hockey. TOM: So he's an average Canadian, then? > Tall > David, the second quiet one MIKE: Otherwise he'd be called "Loud David." CROW: Hey, fic! There can't be *two* quiet ones. Don't you know the formula? > who would rather play sports (any sport) MIKE: Forty-three man squamish! TOM: Full-contact tiddlywinks! CROW: Extreme hopscotch! > than > to talk to people. TOM: Especially you. > Stefan, the little person CROW: That's "Height-impaired!" > who's actually older than us > all and seems to like copying people's humour to look good. CROW: Oh, great. Now I'm going to feel guilty every time I use an obscure reference. MIKE: You know, babe, your little group seems even *more* maladjusted when you spell them out like this.... > I 'm just > curious who you like the best, TOM: I don't see the "none of the above, you included" option here.... > whoever wins gets a chocolate bar courtesy > of me CROW: I dunno, I kinda like Jeffrey. Does that mean he gets a chocolate bar? > so review and let me know if you don't I'll get Ryan and Joe to come > and get you TOM: So *that's* where he's going with that gun in-- MIKE: Okay, I think we've beaten that one to death.... > because they want a chocolate bar. CROW: What? No Carolyn? Where's the love, man? TOM: So basically she's siccing Ryan and Joe on the world less a dozen people or so. MIKE: But they'll get a chocolate bar out of it! > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: Don't worry as soon as this story is done I'll put > out the sequel. CROW: [Crystal] So you should see it round 2007! TOM: It that a promise or a threat? MIKE: Yes. > > > Once we got back to the church the dig team, plus Carolyn, Legolas, Tall > David and Stefan, went to go set for capture the flag while it was still > light. "We're not going the best way, CROW: We're throwing in one skip every nine paces. > we're going around because of > Jeffery knew where we're going then we'll be followed and I don't want to > make Miko MIKE: "Miko?" TOM: Another throwaway character with little personality and less description. MIKE: Right. I don't know why I wondered. > deal with that." I said. ALL: [very sarcastically] AWWWW... CROW: [very sarcastically] She's all *heart*, that Crystal is. > So we started down the driveway but > Jeffery came running after us. TOM: [Jeffery] HEY, CRYSTAL!!! I HID THE FLAG IN THE BUSHES NEAR THE NORTH FENCE JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO, AND I DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY! MIKE: Would a muted trumpet fanfare be appropriate here? TOM: Absolutely. > > > > "Quick to the daycare!" Carolyn yelled MIKE: [Crystal] LotR purists are after me! CROW: Is that like the Batcave? TOM: They'll change into SuperBore and all the Boring Buddies. > and we ran over to the fenced-in > area that was the daycares playground. CROW: [Crystal] Quick - let's hide among the toddler herd! TOM: We need *preschooler* power to get us out of this! > > > > Stefan and Carolyn were able to squeeze through the hole in the fence, them > being very small but the rest of us had to climb over them. TOM: And not, say, climb over the fence? MIKE: Always nice to step on the backs of your friends to get away. > > > > I hurled myself at the first fence CROW: Barbed wire, I hope. TOM: Is she trying for this year's Darwin Awards? MIKE: She plans to reform on the other side in best liquid metal fashion. > and was over in a second; Ryan tossed me > the bag of stuff BOTS: (TM) MIKE: [Crystal] Stuff is vital. It *must* not fall into enemy hands! > and climbed over as well. MIKE: [Stefan] Why is she helping us? The fence is only four feet high. > > > > I waited until everyone was over the second fence, so I could help them, > and then climbed over myself. > > > > We stayed along the perimeter fence so we would stay out of the rosebushes > and not fall into the concrete picnic area about 10 feet below us. MIKE: I guess prisons double as daycares in Canada. TOM: Who knew the Daycare Play Area was so dangerous? CROW: One push, Legolas! That's all it would take! Why are you hesitating so? > > > > When we got onto the sidewalk in front of the building we took one more > look at where Jeffery was still struggling over the first fence before > turning the corner and escaping. TOM: I'll give him this credit: he's *tenacious*. MIKE: Would SOMEBODY explain to me why you people are running away from this boy like a bunch of third-graders? PLEASE?!? CROW: Dude, we are leagues-deep into "smile-and-nod" territory. > > > > "Whew, well that was exciting." Ryan laughed. CROW: To these people, it would be. TOM: [Ryan] Wait a munite! If Jeffery's such a loser, why are *we* are always running from *him*.... > > > > "Sure, lets do it again." I said sarcastically. CROW: [Stefan] Duh, o-kay! > > > > "We have to keep going, we only have an hour." TOM: [John] ...before Legolas turns into a pumpkin. > John pointed out. > > > > So we walked down the path in the field beside/behind our church, CROW: So which one is it? MIKE: The multiple-choice grammar test returns! TOM: [Crystal] Due to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, the field's exact location with respect to the church cannot be determined. > a little > ways until we came to a spot where we had just passed the property line of > the church on the other side of he fence. MIKE: Um, try 'he/she' fence, fanfic! Let's be gender-neutral here. > > > > "So how do we want to do this?" Joe asked. CROW: [Ryan] First, we need to clear some land for the factories. But we'll need to set up some artillery first. Maybe bring in a Tesla Tank or two. And then... TOM: [Crystal] For the last time, WE ARE NOT PLAYING "COMMAND AND CONQUER!!!" > > > > "Well we want to make it as fair as possible but we can't just split it up > by the path because on one side there is a forest and on the other there's > a field." David said. > > > > "Why don't we make the perimeter line and then split it down the middle > perpendicular with the path." Legolas suggested, MIKE: [Crystal] Why don't *you* shut your cakehole, blondie! CROW: *Legolas* suggested that? This story's dimwitted version of Legolas knows the word "perpendicular?" > catching on to what we > were doing. TOM: Watch in awe as a bunch of kids draw lines! > > > > "That sounds good but where do we put the perimeter line?" I asked. CROW: OOH! OOH! I know! MIKE: Now, now... Stay civil. > > > > "Why don't we start it at the hobo hut." Joe suggested. TOM: The Hobo Hut--for all your hobo needs! CROW: This week at the Hobo Hut: save 50% on all stinky, pre-weathered, pee- stained overcoats! And stock up and save big on sacks tied to sticks! > > > > "You know that area better than I do CROW: [Joe] Look, all I said is that I know which kind of Sterno is the most effective! > so it's your choice." I answered. TOM: [Crystal] Ha-ha! It's funny 'cause Joe's homeless! > > > > "Ok then it's settled, the end line should be at the hobo hut and the > middle line should be about here." Tall David deduced TOM: Regular Sherlock here, huh? > pointing to a spot a > little ways down the path. TOM: Oh, I dunno...wouldn't it've been easier to just summon Euclid out of Crystal's geometry book for this? > > > > "But now we have to find the end line in the field." John said. CROW: NO ONE will be seated during the breath-taking DETERMINING THE PLAYING FIELD SCENE! > > > > "So lets walk over and see where would be a good spot." Stefan suggested. > > > > We waded through the waist high (at least) grass with difficulty. "How are > we supposed to run through this at night?" Legolas asked trying to untangle > himself from a clump of weeds. MIKE: [Legolas] I may have walked on top of snow and marathoned across half of Middle-Earth, but *weeds?* At *night,* yet? TOM: I still fail to see the humor and/or point of making the demigod warrior the group whiner. CROW: We've been over this before, Tommy. TOM: Right, right - "All the better to make Legolas look like a dickweed..." > > > > "We'll manage, besides you ain't seen nothin' yet, MIKE: o/~ B-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin' yet! o/~ > I bet you can't wait to > try and get through the underbrush and prickle bushes in the forest." I > said dryly. TOM: [Crystal] Oh, and I hope I didn't forget to mention the Rodents of Unusual Size! MIKE: [Legolas] Meh. I'll be impressed when the plants try to devour me. > > > > Ryan, being the maniac he is, MIKE: [Crystal] ...was institutionalised for his own safety--and ours. > was running through the grass at top speed, > falling every few feet, getting back up CROW: Ryan the Rubber Boy! > and continuing to run MIKE: [Ryan] WHEEE! WHEEE! CROW: That's IQ 140, folks! TOM: He lacks the learning capacity of even the most basic animal life! MIKE: Canada must use a different scale. > until he came > to the edge of a very tiny, dirty creek. Barely still out of the water > Ryan's arms were wind milling TOM: ...grumblegrumble*pinwheeling*grumble... > to keep his balance so I grabbed the back of > his shirt and pulled him away, MIKE: [Ryan] Hey, teleport somewhere else! > unfortunately I stepped too fast and tripped > over a root, falling onto the grass with Ryan on top of me. [TOM and CROW begin snickering.] MIKE: What's so-- CROW: [quickly] Um, nothing! Nothing! Ooo, I got a riff! [muscle expert] The muscles of the thigh are superior to the muscles of the leg. That means that they control the movement of the leg. I will now demonstrate the use of these muscles, by running away from the madman who is trying to kill me. TOM: [Slim Goodbody] [puff] [pant] ...I shoulda taken the gig in Vegas! [gasp] > > > One Ryan realized that he was sitting on me he MIKE: ...relaxed and got comfortable... CROW: Another Ryan had roast beef, and the little Ryan went 'Reeh reeh reeh!' all the way home! > got up. "Hey thanks for > breaking my fall." He said, grateful but joking. CROW: [Crystal] What's some bruising and a separated shoulder between friends? > > > > "That's what I'm here for, the human landing pad." I said sarcastically, as > I slowly got up. TOM: Look, Crystal. Could ya lay off the witty rejoinders here? My sides are splitting...from puking! > "I think you owe me now." TOM: [Crystal] For not slaying you for this affront. > > > > "Consider it done." Ryan answered. MIKE: o/~ Non sequiturs keep fallin' on my head... o/~ > > > > "I don't think we want people falling into that sad excuse for a creek so > why don't we put the line right here." David said. TOM: o/~ We're just looo-kiin fooor aaaaa waaall toooo craaash iiinnntoooo... and me I'd be haaa-py just bum-pin' in-ta yoo-hoooo... o/~ > > > > "Who wants to do the back line?" David asked. Joe, John and Stefan > indicated that they would. TOM: ...like to get some less boy-bandy names. > "Ok you can tale the pink fluorescent marking > tape, MIKE: Watch the five-hour saga of a roll of tape as it goes through so many stages...the shelf at the hardware store...the back of someone's garage...in some kid's hands...and...on a playing field. > David and I will do this side with yellow tape and Crystal, Carolyn, > Legolas and Ryan can take the grellow tape to do the middle line." David > finished, handing out the coloured marking tape. CROW: Grellow? TOM: Like murple, only more blorange. MIKE: On the other hand, here's the *standard* Legolas reply in 1...2... > > > > "What is grellow?" Legolas asked. TOM: Oh god--that wasn't a typo? CROW: [Crystal] It's yellow...that's GRRRR-REAT! MIKE: [to Crow] Okay, you're on notice! > > > > I held up the roll of bright, lime green tape and said. "This is grellow... CROW: [Crystal] Say hi to grellow, Legolas. > It's an old joke from camp a long time ago." TOM: [Isis] Which you can read about in my expansive prequel volume, "The Crystalrillion"! > > > > "Can you tell me the joke?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Crystal] Okay, an elf, a fangurl, and a Mary-Sue walk into a bar... TOM: [Legolas] Y'know what? Stop. I've heard this one. > > > > "Well it's kind of a 'you had to be there' thing but if you want I can > try." CROW: Well, at least we're not waiting for the appendix this time around... > I answered and started my story. "A while back at Charis camp CROW: If she says anything about flutes, I am SO out of here... > we were > playing capture the flag but we had two different colours of green tape to > give to the two different teams, we couldn't just call them green team and > green team TOM: [furious] Emerald and jade! Pine and moss! Grass and olive! *Sage and lime, you nitwits!* CROW: Wow, I'm green with envy. > so we took the lime one and looked at the colours that formed > it, green and yellow, thus grellow was born." I finished. [Beat.] [Crickets chirp.] [Beat.] ALL: AND?! > > > > "Hey, where do we want to tie this?" Carolyn yelled jerking me back to > reality. MIKE: Well, this story's version of reality, anyway. CROW: [scribbling] Enters... trance... when... reminiscing... Got it. > > > > "Just attach it to some tree." Ryan said absently. ALL: o/~ Tie a grellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree... o/~ > > > > "What trees?" Carolyn asked sarcastically so we turned and looked. > > > > What we saw was a field of tall grass with no trees. MIKE: IQ of 140, he says... TOM: Now, I'm trying to figure out how they could have missed that in the first place, and naturally I'm failing miserably. > > > > "Ahh I see what you mean." I said. "So just attach it to a tall blade of > grass." [ALL snicker] CROW: Isn't that like trying to glue things together with water? TOM: What! is! go! ing! OOOONNNN!? AAAAAHHHHHH! > > > > "Which blade of grass and how do I attach it?" Carolyn asked. CROW: [Crystal] Hello?! It's *tape*! You *stick* it! Do I have to do all your thinking for you? > > > > "This could take a while." I muttered to Ryan. CROW: Ladies and gentlemen - our future leaders. Start praying. > > > > "I agree so we'd better get moving." > > > > A/N: Another sad chapter MIKE: Yeah, the bit where Crystal tripped on a tree root really made me choke up. > but give me time it'll get better, I promise. CROW: The best laid plans of mice and fangurls.... TOM: Isis, babe? Proofreading, beta-reading, second-drafts? Do any of those mean ANYTHING to you? > ********************************************************************* > 24. Blackberry bushes siblings? and Lori ALL: o/~ One of these things is not like the others.... o/~ > > VANCOUVER HAS THE OLYMPICS VANCOUVER HAS THE OLYMPICS. YAY!! MIKE: Not exactly "THE GIANTS WON THE PENNANT," is it? TOM: Good grief. Championship runs come and championship runs go, but she'll be smug about this for seven years! > > I found out yesterday that Vancouver/Whistler will be hosting the 2010 > winter Olympics MIKE: [Isis] Ice the Blue, sweep up the moose dung, and break out the maple syrup! > and I'm so excited, I can't wait but it's still seven years > away. CROW: [smiling] So. Our girl Crystal will be at the Vancouver olympics in 7 years. Eeeex-cellent. Now we know exactly where she will be... now all we must do is wait. TOM: And get down from the satellite. CROW: Yes. TOM: And buy surveillance equipment. CROW: Right. TOM: And weapons. CROW: Of course. TOM: And henchmen. CROW: Indeed. TOM: And a safehouse. CROW: Yeah. TOM: And false IDs. CROW: Good point. TOM: And-- CROW: Alright alright, I get the goddamn point already! GEEZE! MIKE: Um... What are you guys talking about? > > > > I'm so sorry that I haven't posted in so long, I just realized that it has > been almost a month, TOM: She thinks a month is a long time between updates? MIKE: And all over the net, Web Site #9 readers collapse into laughter. > lots of things have contributed to the lack of > posting, first of all exams and last minute projects (I passed everything > this year) MIKE: [horrified] Even... her English exam? Good lord, what school does she go to?! TOM: I guess Canada's joining the US as an educational wasteland. > and then the first couple of weeks of summer are always hectic. CROW: What with the not going to school and all.... > Anyways, I'm now back so hopefully I'll be posting weekly again but that is > not a promise just a hope. MIKE: More like a threat, if you ask me. > Here's a nice long chapter for you to enjoy. TOM: [Sarcastically] YAY!!! > > > > Happy belated Canada Day (July 1st) everyone and Happy early Independence > Day (July 4th). CROW: ...The day when Canada celebrated its independance from the red communist pinko mutant traitor bastards to the west. TOM: What, Alaska? > > > > tear are a bleeding to ur soul: TOM: [Isis] Please get a name that makes sense. Thanks. > Thank you for the address to the script but > I already got it, you may not like the whole telepathic and telekinetic but CROW: [Isis] ...then again, who does? > is my story and MIKE: [Isis] So there! Nyah! > I want to write it this way plus it plays a > big part later. CROW: She's gonna go "Carrie" on everybody! Cool! > I still appreciate the suggestion. MIKE: Wow. Crystal's got a great career in AOL tech support going for her. > > > > queen of darkness: MIKE: Martha Stewart? TOM: Looks like that promise of a sequel was a nicely grim touch to a whole new audience. > I think you are right, everybody seems to disappear in > the story, TOM: Except Crystal, for some reason. > thank you for reminding me to keep everybody around. MIKE: Yes, thank *you,* for pointing out one of the few inconsistencies we hadn't noticed yet... > > > > Aimze: Thank you for getting me the address for the script of The Two > Towers. TOM: [Isis] Since I couldn't be bothered to type "'Two Towers' + 'Script'" into Google. > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: Thank you for agreeing with me that Grellow is a > cool word, and thank you for your continued support of my story, it's what > has kept me writing. CROW: WeasleyTwinsLover1112, I think you should know: The world hates you. > > > > Disclaimer: You know the speech; don't own anything MIKE: Property is theft, after all. > blah blah blah. On with > the story. CROW: All this complicated legalese...GET TO THE POINT! > > > > "Ow, stupid blackberry bushes." Carolyn yelled. > > > > "Carolyn you're supposed to go around the bushes and string the tape over > them." Ryan said. > > > > "There is no way to go around the bushes." TOM: [Carolyn] And why go round when you can *plow straight through*? MIKE: That's Crystal's motto. > Carolyn yelled back. "Especially > now that I'm in the middle of them." CROW: [Carolyn] I've fallen and I can't get out! MIKE: So, are two Carolyns in the hand worth the one in the bush? TOM: Would you really want two of any of these people? > > > > I moved this way and that, TOM: Wonder if she's ever met a lassie? > trying to find a less painful way through the > thistles but Legolas was way ahead of me. MIKE: Wait--a chapter ago, he was getting caught up in long grass! TOM: Grass is his only natural weakness. > > > > "Carolyn toss me the tape." CROW: [Carolyn] Cassette or 8-track? > He called from half way up a tree. TOM: You just said there aren't any trees in the field! CROW: [Baby Plucky] Plot go down da' hooole! > > > > "Well that's one way to get through the bushes." Ryan laughed. > > > > "Ahhhh, we have barbed wire here!" MIKE: So then you're stringing garishly-coloured tape all over somebody's yard. > We heard John call from a little further > back in the forest. CROW: [John] I'm caught in the crossfire! *Medic!* > > > > "So stop there and that'll be the side line." MIKE: [Crystal] So don't go out of bounds, or you'll receive serious lacerations! > I called from a very > precarious position on a log trying to get over the blackberry bushes. MIKE: o/~ All around the blackberry bush/the fangirl chased the elf prince/The elf was so much quicker by far/Smack! Goes the fangirl! o/~ > > > > "I'll go over there and se MIKE: No se. TOM: That's for sure. > if I can help them, we seem to have it under > control here." Ryan said walking through the trees towards the sound of > John's voice. CROW: [John] What ho, young Robin! TOM: Wrong forest, wrong John. CROW: Oh... Sorry. > > > > "AHHHHH!" I fell over and landed in a large group of bushes. TOM: Crystal spares no opportunity to correct Ryan! > After a few > seconds of fruitless struggling, CROW: Well, if it was fruitless, I guess those weren't blackberry bushes, now were they? [MIKE and TOM groan] > Legolas, from up a tree reached down and > pulled me out. TOM: Legolas "Stretch" Armstrong! > I straddled a branch and started pulling prickles out. MIKE: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? > "Ow... ow... ow... ow." CROW: You said it, sister! > > > > "You look like you've just been in a cat fight." Carolyn laughed. CROW: Catfight! That'd sure liven things up... > > > > "Oh shut up!" I said throwing a large, claw-shaped thistle at her and > hearing a rewarding 'Ow, hey!' TOM: [Crystal] Ph33r my L33T thistle-chucking skilz!! > > > > As I jumped down out of the tree Ryan came back to investigate my scream. TOM: I guess Ryan's a lifetime member of the Clue Club. > "Crystal, you look like you were hit bay a truck." CROW: [Crystal] Yeah...I almost drounded! > He looked me over CROW: [Ryan] *Nice* rack! > "So that was the yell I heard. Here, you missed one." He pulled a prickle out > of my neck. [MIKE makes a cork-popping sound] TOM: Look out! We got a pumper!! > > > > "Thanks. TOM: Y'know, I'll give her this credit: she knows how to spell "thanks". > But there's still my entire back to do." I said turning around. MIKE: [Crystal] So get to it, slave! > "And the worst part about it is I can't reach them." TOM: Ryan's the only boy who could ever reach them. CROW: He's the Son of a Preacher Man. > > > > "You should get out of the forest TOM: Arrgghh! She's not *in* the forest! She's at the blackberry bushes! > while you're still in one piece, and I'll > help you clean off your back." ALL: o/~ Boom-boom chica-wooww-chica-chica wow wow... o/~ > Ryan said ushering me towards the path. CROW: Think she meant "bath"? MIKE: Only in your dreams. And mine. > > > > We got onto the path and he pulled the rest of the thistles out of my back. CROW: Guess they can't see the forest for the thistles. MIKE: Not exactly a train rolling into a tunnel, but it'll do. > > > > "Thanks for the help bro." I said grateful to not have things poking me > every which way. CROW: And here we have yet another highly detailed yet useless plot point! TOM: Um...Crow? Doesn't that kind of require a plot, not a 27-chapter string of random sentences? > > > > "That's something I haven't heard for a while." Ryan whispered happily. "I > glad you're back sissy." TOM: [Crystal] It's good to be back, drooling idiot. > > > > "Yeah, Legolas coming here almost changed my personality for the wor- MIKE: [Crystal] I mean, having the object of my adoration subservient to my every whim really cheeses me off! > hey! Didn't I tell you never to call me that." I yelled. CROW: [Crystal] It makes it sound like what we did was incest! And that's icky! > > > > Ryan just laughed so I started shooting pieces of grass at him at high > speeds. TOM: [Crystal] HA HA HA! Fear my power, mundanes!!! MIKE: Pretty versatile for someone who claims she hasn't had her powers very long and had to keep them secret. CROW: You're looking for consistency from someone with an ever-growing list of things of things she doesn't own? > > > > "HEY! OW! QUIT IT!" Ryan yelled. TOM: [Ryan] There were *seeds* on that piece! > > > > It was my turn to laugh. "It's only grass CROW: [Ryan] But maaaaaan, I asked for *meth*! > but that's what you get for > messing with your sister." MIKE: This making sense to anybody? CROW: Nope. TOM: Not a bit. > I called running down the path away from Ryan > and the playful beating and name calling that was sure to follow. TOM: At this point, it cannot be said enough how absofrickinlutely WEIRD you people are! CROW: The sudden sibling relationship was disturbing enough! > > > > I got back to the church and hid in the girl's quiet room until everyone > had gotten back from setting up. > > > > Brian came up to us. [With a flash of light, James Bond (the internet guy, not the secret agent) and the Cartesian, Bryan McGucken, appear in the middle of the theater.] BOND: YOU! BRYAN: ...What? BOND: Talk, worm. I know you're responsible for this. BRYAN: No! I don't know what you're talking about! I swear, it's a different Brian! You wouldn't hit a blind man, would ya? BOND: *I'm blind too*, you jackass! BRYAN: ...Oh, yeah. Crap, forgot. MIKE: Would someone *please* tell me-- BOND AND BRIAN: MEEP! [The two authors disappear in another flash of light.] ALL: ... MIKE: Something tells me that something very, VERY *BAD* just happened. > "What happened to you Crystal?" CROW: [Brian] You've *really* put on weight... > > > > "Don't ask." ALL: DON'T TELL! > I grumbled. > > > > "Anyways, everyone is ready to go whenever, we should go over rules first > and then we can start the icebreakers." MIKE: [snickering] They brought breath mints to an all-night youth retreat? TOM: All...that...sugar... > Brian tried not to look at me > during his speech for fear of getting hurt. TOM: He'd be hurt just by looking at her? MIKE: Must be that glare again.... > > > > "Sounds good, we can get everyone into the gym and then you can talk." John > said. > > > > "Jeff, gym, now." I told him bluntly as I passed. TOM: [Jeffery] Hey! I know I'm a little overweight, but... > > > > "I don't need to listen to you." Jeffery yelled. [ALL cheer.] CROW: That's it, Jeffery! *Somebody* has to be able to resist her will! > > > > "Jeff, I am now an official youth leader as well as a big part of the DIG > team therefore, a figure of authority [ALL laugh.] MIKE: BOW before the awesome authority of A LOCAL CHURCH YOUTH GROUP LEADER! > and THEREFORE you do need to listen > to me." I growled angrily. TOM: [Crystal] The youth pastor is not as forgiving as I am... > > > > Everyone was in the gym when Brian got up on the stage. "Welcome to the 8th > annual Bear Creek Community Church All-nighter!" MIKE: [Brian] Now please leave your spleen at the door. > There was a cheer around > the room. CROW: Umm... Yay? > "Now before we get started lets lay down some ground rules, first > of all TOM: [Brian] Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. MIKE: [Crystal] *AHEM!!!* TOM: [Brian] Er... Crystal is always right. I will listen to Crystal. I will not ignore Crystal's recommendations. Crystal is God. > there are no guys allowed in the girl's room and no girls allowed in > the guy's room, CROW: Yeah, *that* rule will last about five minutes! TOM: So this event is gonna be as god-awful dull as all the rest, eh? > secondly there are a few off limits areas, namely the > elevator and the kitchen, I would like everyone to stay out of there unless > otherwise told, and lastly, think of the saying WWJD." CROW: William Wallace Just Died? MIKE: Weight Watchers January Diet? TOM: Willy Wonka's Just Desserts? > > > > "Carolyn, what's WWJD?" Legolas asked. MIKE: Why Was Jeffery Ditched? CROW: What Windbag Juvenile Delinquents? MIKE: Why Watch Judi Dench? TOM: What's With Joe D'Amato? CROW: Walking With James Dean? TOM: Wheel Wells Jump Down? MIKE: When Wrong Just Dream? CROW: Word Wrap Jiggles Daintily? TOM: Winchell's Wrecks Jelly Donuts? > > > > "It means what would Jesus do. Ask yourself that question anytime you're > unsure about anything." Carolyn answered. TOM: [Carolyn] Of course, in order to know what Jesus would do, you must know the mind of God. Of course Crystal's right here, so just ask her! CROW: There's the snap... > > > > "And who's Jesus?" Legolas asked. CROW: And there's the kick! TOM: Mike, if we have to sit through a "Legolas is converted" scene, so help me, I will gnaw my own arm off and personally beat Pearl to death with it if it's the last thing I do. MIKE: I'm with you there, buddy. > > > > "I'll tell you later." Carolyn hissed. ALL: *Phew!* TOM: We just dodged a *big* sanctified bullet. MIKE: Still, Carolyn'll get around to the snake's perspective eventually. > > > > "Now there is one more issue that has come up recently and I think need to > talk about it before questions get asked." TOM: [Brian] I'm *not* the Messiah! > Brian stopped any conversation > that had started. TOM: [Brian] You all need to figure things out for *yourselves!*. > > > > I looked worried, "Does he mean Legolas?" I whispered to Carolyn. > > > > "I don't know, if he is I hope he doesn't ask us to come up and explain." > She responded worriedly. MIKE: [Brian] Crystal, Carolyn, why don't you come up and explain? BOTS: [Crystal and Carolyn] D'oh! > > > > "We have a special guest tonight and I would ask you not to ask him too > many questions, he's already had to relate his story about a hundred > times." Brian started. MIKE: [Legolas] And then they fed me ten cups of sugar... and the next thing I knew I was lying on the floor in a haze of spoons and stuffed animals... and there they were, hovering over me, giggling... stop the giggling! Stop the giggling! *sob* > > > > "Legolas he means you." Carolyn whispered so that only he could hear. MIKE: [Homer Simpson] I think he's talking to you. TOM: And here I thought he meant Jeffery. > > > > "I would like you to meet, CROW: [Random Camper] NO! You can't have Harry Potter! He's mine, you hear?! MINE, MINE, MINE! DOWN, DOWN, DOWN! GO, GO, GO! > Legolas Greenleaf from middle earth. CROW: [Random Camper] Oh... Sorry! My bad! > Legolas come up here." Brian said. MIKE: [Brian] Legolas here is a heathen who does not worship Christ. Thus I expect you all to attend his stoning later this evening. And please bring at least two stones in case your first one misses. That is all. CROW: So where, exactly, did the whole "Keep Legolas a secret or people will freak" thing go out the window? TOM: No clue... > > > > Legolas looked around and then, seeing Joe's nod of approval he went up to > Brian. There was an immediate gasp from the crowd. BOTS: [Random fangirls] WE LOVE YOU, ORLANDO!!! > "Thanks Legolas you can > sit down now." Brian said. CROW: They're treating him like Crystal's new ferret! > "Now that that is all sorted out we can start > our day." MIKE: So it's not really an all-nighter then? > > > > The DIG team came up on stage and started explaining the games. "We're > starting with a game called orange necking." TOM: It's about time they played a game *real* eighteen-year-olds play! > I said and then heard someone > from the crowd yell 'That sounds so wrong.' "Yes Jason I'm aware that the > name sounds wrong but don't look at me it was Joe who came up with it." > > > > "Go Joe." Jason yelled. ALL: Coooobraaaaaaaa!!!!! > > > > "Anyway, we're getting into our respective teams and lining up, boy, girl, > boy, girl, ok and then, using only your neck you have to pass the orange to > each other, once the orange gets to the person at the back then said person > runs to the front and it starts all over again until you get back in your > original order. So line up and wait for your orange." I said. > TOM: That's not a game! That's a trick sea lions do at Sea World! > > > > I lined up between Ryan and Legolas and then Brian yelled. "GO!" MIKE: Um... Slight flaw: Wouldn't doing "icebreaker" games with a group of your choosing defeat the purpose of icebreakers? Flaw #2 - wouldn't playing this particular game with Legolas be a severe handicap, given Legolas' height? TOM: I'm suing you for "Theft of Shtick," Nelson! > Ryan put the orange on his neck and braced it there with his chin, he passed > it to me and then I passed it to Legolas quickly. CROW: Quickly? Oh c'mon, Crystal, make the most of it! TOM: Yeah, it may not be mouth-to-mouth, but you're still the envy of fangirls everywhere! > > > > "This is really awkward." He commented. MIKE: God passes judgment on the foolish mortals' game. > > > > "Yup." CROW: You think that's awkward? Try reading it. TOM: Man, this is the most twisted version of Wonder Ball I've ever seen. > > > > The person at the back got the orange and he ran to the front. Ryan took > the orange from the new person at the front and then passed it to me. > "This is something we didn't count on." He said after I turned back to him. > "We didn't think that there would be a guy at the front and a guy at the > back, so now Gary is passing to me, it's so wrong." MIKE: Umm... Huh? TOM: That was damn near Thinker-esque. > > > > "FINISHED!!" MIKE: [bored] And the crowd changes color. A winner is you. Yaaay. > Our team yelled as one. TOM: o/~ Two hearts, two hearts that yell as one... o/~ MIKE: Our pain has just begun. > > > > "The green team has won!" Brian yelled. CROW: [Brian] Your prize is a punch in the nose from each member of the losing teams. Line up, folks! > "Now we go into a pairs contest, > everybody choose a partner." TOM: [Jeffery] I wanna be with Legolas! CROW: [Crystal] *Smack!* > > > > "Legolas, be my partner." I said. > > > > "Sure." Legolas agreed. CROW: ROMANCE! MIKE: What, in this fanfic? > > > > A peppy-looking blonde girl came over to us and stuck out her hand. "Hi, > I'm Lori." She said CROW: [Lori] You're like my favorite model ever, Mr. Fabio! > > > > "Legolas, you're supposed to shake her hand." I hissed. MIKE: [Crystal] Then rip it off at the elbow. Trust me, it's traditional. TOM: [Crystal] Yeah, didn't you know that? You've been in this culture, what, three, four days? > > > > "H-hello." Legolas said shaking Lori's hand. TOM: [Legolas] Oh, HELL! Now there's two of them! MIKE: Between the mystery of this new girl and the terror of Crystal, I'd say he's acquitting himself pretty well. > > > > Because she was lingering I came in between Lori and Legolas and asked, TOM: [Crystal, British] WHAT...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? > "Do you want anything else?" TOM: [Lori] Oooo, *yes I do*... CROW: Finally! We're getting somewhere! MIKE: Don't bet on it. > > > > She ignored me and talked to him. TOM: Wouldn't anybody? > "Would you like to be my partner?" She > asked as if it was the most obvious thing to say yes. CROW: [Legolas] Let's see: friendly, peppy blonde, or bipolar Mary-Sue...Come on, Lori! Let's go steppin'! MIKE: I'm starting to like Lori. I'm sure that won't last, but I do. > > > > "No, he's with me." [ALL hum "Sweet Valley High" theme] > I put my arm around Legolas protectively. TOM: [Crystal] ...My precious... MIKE: [Legolas] Who are you protecting *me* from? I can slaughter 42 orcs in ten minutes, all while riding a shield down a rickety wooden stair- case! > > > > "I was talking to Legolas." Lori said coolly. MIKE: ME-OOWWW! > > > > "As Crystal said, I'm taken." Legolas answered. [ALL sigh] TOM: Like we didn't see that line coming... CROW: [Legolas] I have no free will of my own, I'll have you know! > > > > "I wouldn't waste your time with her." Lori spat walking away fuming. CROW: Come in, Houston - we have confirmed Bitch sighting. Repeat: Bitch sighting confirmed! MIKE: Copy that Bitch Sighting. Be on alert for possible catfights. > > > > Legolas had fire in his eyes as he watched Lori go around to get a > different partner. CROW: [Legolas] Yeah, she's *right*! Why *am* I wasting my time with this schizo?! > I put my hand on his arm soothingly. TOM: [Crystal] You did well, my minion. CROW: [Legolas] Thank you, Mistress. > "Just ignore her, > I've learned to." I whispered. "She's just a popular jerk." MIKE: 'cause, y'know, befriending someone makes you a jerk. TOM: Errrrgggghhhh!!! Damn it Crystal! YOU'RE! NOT! AN! ANGEL! What freaking part of that *don't* you understand? > > > > "I don't get how you stand that." Legolas said, finally getting a hold on > his emotions. MIKE: [Crystal] Well, I run to my keyboard and start typing a story about this wonderful fantasy world where popular jerks try to steal my partner... TOM: Oh, PUH-LEEZE!!! Crystal treats you like Corky from "Life Goes On," with nary a ripple of resentment. Yet this refugee from a bad John Hughes movie comes after you, and suddenly you're all pissed and stuff? [shrugs in frustration] > > > > "I can stand her pettiness because I know I have so much on her, CROW: Including where the bodies are buried! > I can > stand to throw a punch and to take one, CROW: [Crystal] Violence makes me superior! > I can ride horses better than > anyone I've met, except maybe you, TOM: [Legolas] Gee, thanks. > I can shoot a bow, thanks to you and so > much more, MIKE: [Crystal] ...I can give myself any skill I want, I'm perfect in every way... TOM: I guess mentioning your psi-powers would be considered piling on? > I don't need to hang out with certain people, MIKE: So Lori has to hang out with Legolas, but Crystal doesn't... CROW: Don't *confuse* the poor elf! > people who will > dump you as soon as you start hanging with different people TOM: Yeah? What would your friends do if you starting hanging out with a coven of witches or at a Buddhist monastery, hmm? > or dressing > differently, to be happy, CROW: Do I sense a wee bit of bitterness? > I've got a great family TOM: [Crystal] You can tell how great they are because you've never seen them! MIKE: [Crystal] They give me *space!* *Lots* of it! > and wonderful friends, > like you, I don't need anymore." CROW: Standard geek answer. TOM: Yep, friends, family...don't need any of 'em anymore. > I said giving Legolas a quick hug before > going closer to the group to hear the rules of the game. TOM: I stand corrected. MIKE: What? TOM: Lori's my favorite character. MIKE: Ah... > > > > "The game is called knight, cavalier, horse. In knight the guy goes down on > one knee and the girl sits on his knee, in cavalier the girl jumps into the > guy's arms and in horse the guy goes down on all fours and the girl sits on > him. TOM: That is SOOO messed up... MIKE: Sexual Harassment Panda says "NOOO!" > Got it, ok let's go." CROW: Um...that's not really a game. That's just a cheap rip-off of Twister. > We started running around and then Brian yelled. TOM: THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIE-YAH! > "CAVALIER!" TOM: BONZAI! CROW: SEMINOLE! MIKE: BLUE DEVIL! TOM: YELLOWJACKET! CROW: ORANGE STAR! TOM: GREEN CLOVER! > I ran through a bunch of people and jumped into Legolas's arms. > > > > "Oof." TOM: [Legolas] By Mithrandir's beard, woman, you weigh more than a dead Uruk- hai! > He groaned as I had hit him at a very high speed TOM: Increasing her mass in accordance with the theory of relativity... > and he wasn't quite > ready. > > > > "Sorry." I apologized. > > > > Legolas put me down and we ran away from each other again. "KNIGHT!" MIKE: ...TO QUEEN'S BISHOP FOUR! > I sat on Legolas's knee and we made it to the next round. > > > > There were three people left, Legolas and I, Lori and Gary, CROW: Who? MIKE: C'mon! Don't tell me you don't remember Gary? TOM: Yeah! He's only like the coolest guy in this story! CROW: Oh, right! *Gary!* > and Ryan and a > girl named Jana, who was Brian's sister. MIKE: ...Okay, who are the three who *don't* count as people? > "HORSE!" Brian yelled. > > > > I ran over to Legolas and tried to sit on his back but Lori 'accidentally' > tripped me and I slid right off, landing unceremoniously on the cold gym > floor. MIKE: [Lori] Oopsie - broke your spine! Tee hee! > I laughed at myself as I got up, TOM: [Crystal] ...but I knew, that night, I'd cry myself to sleep... again. > and dusted off my back. "Crystal, > Legolas, I'm sorry but you're out." Brian said. > > > > "Oh well, it was fun while it lasted." I said, still laughing. MIKE: [Crystal] ...fighting back familiar tears of shame... TOM: [Crystal] You see, Legolas, I've learned to use laughter to hide my humiliation. > > > > "How did you manage to slid off my back?" Legolas asked. TOM: Wow! CROW: [Crystal] You bore me. > > > > "Lori tripped me." I said simply. > > > > "What, I... How could she?" Legolas stammered. CROW: [Crystal] Because she's petty and spiteful. MIKE: [Legolas] Oh, reminds me of you. [ALL chuckle.] > > > > "Legolas calm down, don't hold it against her, I don't." I soothed. TOM: Come on, just go ahead and transfigure already! Sheesh! CROW: [Crystal] For she is merely a stock uber-bitch, while I'm perfect in every way. > > > > Ryan and Jana won with Cavalier MIKE: Chevrolet, huh? I think I'd rather have the horse. > and then we had our final relay. "Ok, you > have to run to the middle of the gym, hula-hoop five times successively TOM: [random teen-ager] Can't hear you in the back! > then jump with the jump rope ten times then you have to braid the yarn and MIKE: [random teen-ager] Wait, milk the chickens and feed the cows...I'm lost! > finally you have to take your respective wheelchair CROW: [random teen-ager] Is this gonna be on the test? > and wheel yourself back > to the group going around the cones." Brian ALL: BWIAN! MIKE: When's Pilate going to show up? CROW: [British] You must bwaid the yawn and wheel youw wespective wheelchaiw back to the gwoup.... TOM: [British] To the what, sir? CROW: [British] The gwoup. TOM: [British] Yes, he did, sir! CROW: [British] No no, the gwoup. *Wheel* youw *wheelchaiw* back to the *gwoup*! TOM: [British] Um, about eleven, sir. > said. "The next person has to > do it all backwards, take the wheelchair to the end of the gym, upbraid the > yarn, TOM: [Brian] ...change the gravitational constant of the universe... > then jump-rope and hula-hoop the same way. " MIKE: [Rick Moranis] Everybody got that? > > > > We lined up in our four teams and were counted off. "Green team, the first > person is going to have to go twice." Brian said. "Are you ready, TOM: [wimpy teen-ager] ...no? > GO!" TOM: [wimpy teen-ager] ...okay. MIKE: [Legolas] Wait... Do we do the Hokey Pokey before or after the hula- hoops? CROW: [Crystal] After the hula-hoops, and before you hogtie yourself with the yarn. MIKE: [Legolas] Then where do the greased squirrels come in? CROW: [Crystal, exasperated] Before you jump your skateboard over the flaming pit of glass shards! Don't you pay attention to anything? > > > > I ran out into the middle of the gym and hula-hooped like my life depended > on it. CROW: Crystal was later found lying in a pool of her own blood and a hoop wrapped around her waist. > "One, two, ALL: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! > three, four, five, done." I jumped over that rope quickly > so all you could see was a blur. MIKE: Accelerate to attack speed! > When I got to the yarn I braided it > loosely so that Ryan, who was next, could undo it fast. CROW: Duh? > I was trailing > slightly behind but when I reached the wheelchair race I got far ahead. I > wheeled to the rest of the team and leapt off it. TOM: [Crystal] Aiiieee! > "That's what you get when > your dad has four or five wheelchairs lying around the house." I laughed. MIKE: His vanishing into thin air seems prefigured by his passion for wheels. > > > > We all went and it was down to me, MIKE: [Crystal] ...And, well, me. I mean, seriously. > we were a few seconds behind everyone > else [ALL sigh.] CROW: So it's not enough that she's on the winning team; *she* has to win the game *herself*. TOM: I bet you can see her ego from space! > and so I ran as fast as I could, MIKE: [Crystal] ...my love handles bouncing and jouncing the whole way.... > "One, two, three, four, TOM: o/~ Can I have a little more? o/~ > five." I > counted. "One, two, three, four, CROW: ...o/~ Get cho woman on the flo' o/~ > five, six, seven, eight, MIKE: ...o/~ Who do we appreciate? Goooo Packers! o/~ > nine, ten." I > braided the yarn and ran to the wheelchair. My arms pumped, and I was > gaining speed but all of a sudden the front wheels started shaking. I did > the only thing I could, CROW: [Crystal] ...put my head between my legs and kissed my ass good-bye! > I went into a wheelie and immediately the shaking > stopped. I heard a collective gasp from the people watching, TOM: [audience member] What's she doing?! She's going to-- MIKE: BANG! CRASH! CLANG! CROW: AAAAAHHHHH! OH GOD MY SKULL'S BROKEN, AAHHH! TOM: [audience member] Never mind... > I kept going > and won the game! MIKE: Note the careful simulation of surprise through the use of an exclamation mark. > "YES!" We all hugged and cheered loudly. ALL: [flatly] Hurrah. MIKE: Crystal needs to be less attached to her story, methinks. > > > > "Well through a collective team effort TOM: [Brian] ...between Crystal and herself... > Green has won the relays tonight but > we still have more things to do so MIKE: [Brian] ...Crystal can further demonstrate her superiority.... > the other three teams MIKE: Grellow, Grue, and Gred! > can redeem > themselves. CROW: But I wouldn't count on it. > Might I remind you, the team who wins overall tonight gets free > breakfast tomorrow." Brian said. "And now we'll have a snack and a little > bit of free time before starting the movie." > > > > I gasped, the movie how could I have forgotten, here the whole truth would > come out, we were watching The Fellowship Of The Ring and Legolas would see > how the quest was portrayed. CROW: [Carolyn] Since we pulled Legolas from the middle of the story, wouldn't showing him how things turn out be *bad?* MIKE: [Crystal]... CROW: [Carolyn] Wouldn't Legolas knowing what goes wrong tempt him to try to fix things? Possibly throwing the whole story into chaos? MIKE: [Crystal]... CROW: [Carolyn] Is ANY of this getting through to you? MIKE: [Crystal]... CROW: [Carolyn] *SIGH!* I'll go get some popcorn... > > > > "Crystal, come and have some ice cream." Joe called and I came to join > them, still in the wheelchair. > > > > "How and why did you do a wheelie at the end of the race?" Ryan asked. CROW: [Crystal] How? Godlike powers. Why? BECAUSE I CAN! TOM: Ryan's providing Legolas a lesson in advanced question-asking. > > > > "Why is easy, when you go fast the front wheels start to lose balance so > they wobble, slowing you down, if you lift up the front wheels then you can > go fast again." I answered. CROW: Oh, you go fast alright...to the I.C.U.! > "As for how, that, my friend, takes practice, MIKE: A noble endeavour, wheelchair-wheelie-learning. Beats the heck out of school and reading and stuff. > you need to find your centre of balance by moving the wheels, once you do > that then it's quite easy. CROW: [Crystal] My sensei, Mr. Miyagi, taught me that one! > > > > "Could you teach us later?" Stefan asked. > > > > "Of course, that is, if you're willing to fall on your ass a few times CROW: She said 'ass', Mike! I didn't think she had it in her. TOM: Is that very Christian? MIKE: Don't even start down that road. > cause it happens that way." I said and burst out laughing. CROW: BWAHAHA, I said 'ass'! > > > > Suddenly Katrina, a small, shy girl TOM: ...from Sleepy Hollow... > that was three years younger than us > came over. "Are you really Legolas from Lord Of The Rings?" She asked. MIKE: [Legolas] Actually, my name is Will Turner. I'm a blacksmith. > > > > I gave a subtle nod TOM: [Crystal] You may speak. > and Legolas answered. "Yes, that's me, the one and > only." MIKE: [Legolas] Err...that's what I was supposed to say, right? TOM: [Crystal] That's right, snookiekins! > > > > "I'm Katrina, MIKE: ...daughter of Baltus Van Tassel... > Crystal's little sister's friend, MIKE: Who can be introduced in this nameless fashion *twenty-four* chapters into the story! > speaking of, where is > Cara?" TOM: Hey, nice save! MIKE: [Crystal] She's in your head, dear. We talked about it before? > She asked me. > > > > "She's on the Island, at camp with Lacey." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] She's away, away, far away, under lock an--IIIIIII mean she's on an *island,* dig? > > > > "Will she be back soon?" > > > > "She'll be back tomorrow." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] And you know what that means! TOM: [Legolas] God, not another character... > > > "Legolas." Katrina asked shyly. "Will you sign my copy of The Two Towers?" CROW: [Legolas] The Two what, now? TOM: Sure... Let him read it! Who needs that silly ol' "Space/Time continuum" thingy? > > > > "Sure." Legolas answered, slightly confused but he still took the book and > scribbled his signature in it. CROW: [Legolas] Wait...why does this say "Bootleg DVD" on it? What gives! > > > > "Thank you." Katrina hurried away looking very pleased. TOM: [Katrina] And God bless us, every one! CROW: [Katrina] Delusions, they said... I'll show them! I'll show them all!!! > > > > "That was nice." Carolyn remarked. MIKE: Completely pointless, but nice. > > > > "Why did she want me to sign a book? Surely that would lower its value to > have it written on." Legolas asked. TOM: I don't recall Tolkien discussing the second-hand book market in Middle-Earth. MIKE: It's probably in an appendix somewhere. > > > > "Legolas in our society when someone is famous, to have their signature is > a good thing, it helps you remember that you met them and TOM: [John] ...serves as a fetish in the modern cult of celebrity... > it lets everyone > know that you're not lying about it." John answered. TOM: Because everyone would believe that the fictional character's signature is authentic. MIKE: I should see what my Dumbledore-signed copy of "Goblet of Fire" is worth on eBay. > > > > "I see." Legolas said, still confused. CROW: [Legolas] So if I signed this lunch bag here, it would be worth... TOM: [Katrina] SQUEEE!!!! Gimmie gimmie gimmie!!!! > > > > "Legolas did anyone ever tell you that you are worse that a five-year- > old?" Ryan asked. TOM: [Legolas] Did anyone ever tell *you* that you're a complete moron who covers up his monumental stupidity by feigning a true genius's eccentricity? > > > > "Actually yes, Crystal did, in those exact words, on the night I arrived." > Legolas laughed. TOM: [Legolas] I'm perpetually amused by comments on my immaturity! MIKE: Actually, she said it when she was packing, and she even said the "that." CROW: And now... YOU KNOW! > > > > "Hey Crystal, did I hear you say that you could shoot a bow quite well?" > Stefan asked. CROW: Thank you, Non Sequitur Boy! > > > > "Yeah, I did say that, you wanna see?" I said. CROW: [bored] Generic sexual riff. *Yawn* > > > > "Sure, but where are you going to get a bow?" Stefan asked. MIKE: [Crystal] Bows R Us! Duh! > > > > "Legolas brought one, CROW: [Crystal] Something about, 'If you Jesus-freaks start proselytising me, by all that's holy arrows will fly!' I don't know. > if it had been up to me he wouldn't have but he told > me that he'd keep it safe and away from other people and so I couldn't > refuse." I answered. MIKE: And now she's going to make him drag it out just so she can look good. TOM: Hey, it all worked out in the end! > > > > Legolas went get his bow from the guy's room CROW: Left unattended in a church full of teen-agers. Way to keep it safe there, Spock! > escorted by Ryan, Joe and > John, CROW: Crystal's *not* taking the chance of him getting lost again. > while I went to find a good spot to practice. > > > > "Come on, we only have 1 hour before the movie." TOM: [Crystal] Hour, schmour! I'll stop time if we need it. > Carolyn said leading > everyone over to the clearing that we had chosen. > > > > I dragged the big piece of Styrofoam ALL: (R) > that I had found in the shed over to > the clearing and drew a bull's-eye on it with the permanent marker that I > always carried around with me. MIKE: Because you never know when you'll have to draw a bull's-eye. > "Are we ready?" I asked. TOM: [Legolas] Not quite. First, you'll need to place this apple on your head.... > > > > "Yes." Legolas answered shooting one arrow right in the centre of the > target. CROW: [Sean] AAAAARRRGGHH!! > He handed me the bow and I shot an arrow a few centimetres away > from Legolas's. MIKE: And by "few" she means "several dozen." TOM: The metric system--helping your archery look more impressive for almost thirty years! > > > > "Not bad, not bad at all." Ryan commented. CROW: [Ryan] Of course, you were ten feet away whilst Legolas was 300 yards away.... > > > > "You try." I thrust the bow into his hands and he got an arrow from > Legolas. THWAP. CROW: [Legolas] *NOW* WHO'S WORSE THAN A FIVE-YEAR-OLD?! HUH?!?! > Ryan released the arrow but it went wide on the target. MIKE: [Crystal] ...striking Jeffery and killing him instantly. Ooo, time for the movie to start! > > > > "It's ok, you'll do better next time." Carolyn consoled. TOM: That sounded suspiciously like "That happens to lots of guys." CROW: It also sounded like it's not the first time she's said that to him. ALL: Hmmm... > > > > We all took turns trying to hit the target MIKE: [Crystal] Long story short - everyone sucked but me. > and then we practiced sword > fighting with some sticks we found. "It's all in the feet, you have to keep > moving and you have to watch your opponents feet too see where they're > going." Legolas instructed. "Crystal, look up, you can't only focus on you > opponent's feet otherwise you'll get hit and you can't make a counter > attack." MIKE: I'll say, since you'd likely be critically wounded! > > > > "Oof." Ryan whacked me across the stomach with his stick. CROW: MMMMWAH!!! Good night, everybody! > > > > "Crystal, are you ok?" He asked worriedly. TOM: [Ryan] she said, 'Oof.' Is she dying? Is she dead?! > > > > "I'll be fine." I gasped. TOM: [Ryan] BUSTAAAAAH WOLF! MIKE: [Crystal] ...Now I won't... owyowyowyowy... TOM: [Ryan] Heh heh. Sucker... > "I-I'm going to kill you." A fiery glint came > into my eyes and everybody who saw backed away. TOM: [John] Oh, crap! She's gonna go SSJ again! > > > > I dived for Ryan and landed on top of him, MIKE: It's love at first charging tackle. > slapping him furiously with a > small stick covered in leaves. CROW: She'll *dust* him to death! > He finally pinned me to the ground and we > both gave up. TOM: Crystal *is* Hibiki Takane, *in* "Legolas: Last Blade!" MIKE: ...That would *rule*... > > > > "Well I would, say Ryan won the swordfight, by a fluke but Crystal won > overall, because she got up and attacked again." Legolas laughed. TOM: I would, say Legolas is having, trouble with his, comma, placement. MIKE: Just as in Middle-Earth, fighting spirit's *much* more important than having your stomach cut open. > > > > Suddenly we saw someone come out the front door and make her way over to > us. "Itchbay at 11:00." CROW: From English to Spanish to pig Latin. Man, Crystal's really struttin' her stuff, isn't she? > Tall David muttered so that all of us could hear > but Lori, the object of the comment could not. MIKE: Then why say it in Pig Latin? > > > > I slapped David. "Don't call her that." I hissed. TOM: [Crystal] It may be accurate, but it's still rude! > > > > "How's Oyalray Itchbay?" Joe asked. > > > > In response I slapped him too. CROW: I guess *you're* the bitch, then, Crystal. > "Hello Lori." I said as she approached us. CROW: [Lori] Is that friend-slapping a private game, or can anybody play? > > > > Lori ignored me and went straight to Legolas. MIKE: As would most everyone in that situation... > "Hey Leggie." She said way > too cheerfully. TOM: [Lori] I took the Zanax, and the Ritalin, at the *exact same time*! It's making things very interesting! Tehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe- heheheehehehehehehehehehehehe... > > > > Legolas looked at me fearfully. MIKE: [Legolas] This is ending with her blood on my hands, isn't it? > "Leggie?" He mouthed. MIKE: [Legolas] It's 'Legolas'. My wife called me 'Leggie'. Yeah, I hated it. > > > > "Why don't you come with me and meet my friends." CROW: [Legolas] Are they any different from *these* maniacs? > Lori said as more of an > order that a request. TOM: Mike, explain to me how she's different from Crystal again? CROW: [Legolas] A - I don't want to. B - I don't want to. C - You're a bitch. D - Go to hell. > > > > "Thank you very much for the offer but Legolas is hanging out with us right > now." I said, keeping my voice calm and even. > > > > "Why do you keep butting in on our, that is to say Legolas and my > conversation?" Lori asked spitefully. TOM: [Crystal, whispering] Because I've made it so he can't hold one on his own. I'm sorry, its kinda embarrassing now... > > > > "It was you Lori who butted into our fun." Joe said angrily. CROW: So being slapped is their fun? MIKE: Hey, it takes all sorts to make a world. > > > > "I see when I'm not wanted, MIKE: [Crystal] That's right! Now you take your respect for Legolas and your attempts to help him assert himself and you GET OUT OF HERE! > come Legolas let's go see people who appreciate > our taste." Lori took Legolas by the arm and started walking away. MIKE: Ah, come in, Houston. We have possible catfight approaching. Please advise! TOM: Roger that. Advise grabbing a MGD six-pack and finding a good seat. Over! > > > > "Excuse me Lori but I'm quite happy here where I am with my friends." > Legolas said stressing the word friends and pulling his arm away from Lori. CROW: [Crystal] In other words - Hands off, skank! MIKE: [Lori] You don't want to get associated with the WRONG croud, do you? Not these people like *Crystal*, do you? I can help you with that, Legolas. I can help you find who you should associate with. TOM: [Legolas] I think I can find that out on my own, thanks. > > > > "Well, I would think twice about who your friends are because these people > are losers, especially Crystal, she's the head loser." CROW: Aw, c'mon Crystal! Give us Lori's last name! You did it with all the others! TOM: Yeah, we wanna meet Lori! > > > > "Hey Lori, insult me all you want, but leave my friends out of this, your > fight is with me, not them." I said loudly. CROW: Keep your fingers crossed, boys! We may see some action yet! > > > > "Crystal, there's no need for her to insult any of us, just let me shut her > up." John whispered. ALL: Boo! > > > > "Oh, big man, trying to protect your girl, or is she trying to protect > you." Lori taunted. CROW: Wow, she sees right through them! TOM: Mike, should I be concerned that Lori's my new favorite character? > > > > "For one thing, she's all of our girl ALL: *Whoa* now! CROW: *Crystal!* Have you no shame? TOM: She really gets around, doesn't she? MIKE: As for Carolyn, she'll wander off to a corner and weep. > and for another, we're not above > using violence, Crystal may be but we're not." MIKE: But didn't Marvel Girl go out of her way to mention how well she could fight? Twice? CROW: [admonishingly] Miiike? MIKE: Oh. Right. Continuity. Ain't none. Shutting up now... > John bit out the words. CROW: [Lori] Ah, but you see, Johnny, I don't have a crotch to kick! So nyah! > > > > "John, don't do anything rash." I hissed. "You could get thrown off the DIG > team if you use violence." TOM: But being an insufferable uber-bitch is okay? CROW: Obviously, they belong to the Our Lady of Heathers church. > > > > "Oh so you can get thrown off the team if you use violence eh?" Lori mused > an evil smile forming on her lips. Without another word she punched me in > the face. TOM: Cardboard villain, activate! CROW: [Lori] Ha ha ha ha! Let them throw me off the team! I'll be free from this fanfic! Hooray! > > > > The rest of the DIG team rushed beside me, ready to hit Lori but I stopped > them. "No, don't you see what she's doing, she's just trying to provoke > us." MIKE: Um, no. She's trying to kick your ass. And succeeding. CROW: We'll return to Spineless Nerd Theatre after these words.... > > > "Don't you see she's just trying to provoke us." Lori taunted. "Damn right > I'm trying to provoke you, you think you're so cool with your wheelchairs, MIKE: [Lori] ...and your pocket protectors, and your differential calculus, and your vapid 1970s Swedish dance-pop... > your motorcycle and Legolas MIKE: Poor Legolas! Now he's reduced to just another prop, mere scenery. > well guess what, none of that matters, not > here." MIKE: You know what does matter, though? CROW: No, Mike. What does matter? MIKE: Crystal's ub3r177+ Taekwando ninja skilz. > With that she punched me again. CROW: Wanna rethink that whole "just trying to provoke us" thing? > > > > "Lori, it's no use, we're not going to retaliate, just give up now before > you hurt yourself." I said calmly. MIKE: [Crystal] I'll pound your fist with my face, see if I don't! TOM: At this point even Gandhi would be saying "Oh, get off your high horse and dropkick the bitch!" > > > > "HA! Give up, before I hurt myself. That's laughable." TOM: [Lori] I've got an adamantium skeleton! > Lori started to > throw another punch when Legolas stepped in front of me and grabbed her > hand. CROW: [Legolas] Here, try it with this knife. > > > > "You will not harm Crystal anymore." TOM: [Legolas] Failure to follow previously-stated procedure will result in your immediate termination. Intelligence is irrelevant. Evil plans are irrelevant. Evil is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. The computer is your friend. > He growled dangerously and pushed her > off the curb, CROW: My way or the highway! > Lori landed face down on the hard pavement. [All make police car and siren noises] TOM: [Howard Cosell] DOWN GOES LORI! DOWN GOES LORI! DOWN GOES LORI! CROW: [Legolas] And *that* is what happens to people who have evil plans! > > > > I rushed over to her side to see if she was all right. CROW: This is getting into a whole weird hurt-comfort area here. > Lori turned to look > at me and I saw that her lip was bloody. TOM: [Crystal] Yet she was still so radiant and beautiful. No matter how many stories I write about my greatness, I'll always be inferior to Lori. > "You should get some ice on > that." I said in a concerned voice. CROW: [Disgusted groan] You know what, Lori? Just get up and deck her! MIKE: Crystal, dear - I know you *think* you're following the WWJD principle here. But one - I'm pretty sure that Jesus could offer comfort to an enemy without it totally sounding like a taunt. Two - I'm also pretty sure he wouldn't let himself get punched repeatedly in the face just to make a rather dubious moral statement... TOM: In other words: What Would Jesus Do? NOT THAT! > > > > Lori got up and sneered at me. "I don't need your help, I've done my Job, MIKE: Her use of capital letters shows her *pride* in her work! > Legolas is going to be kicked off DIG TOM: He won't be able to string up "grellow" tape any more! Oh, the *tragedy!* > and it'll be all your fault." She > laughed and ran back to the church. MIKE: [Crystal] Well... I guess she had an evil plan, then. I *tried* to warn you people, but *noooooooo*! TOM: Mike? What's she talking about? Legolas was never on their stupid little club, was he? CROW: Unless Crystal plans to rehash *that* story, too. [Mike sighs resignedly] > > > > I turned around and glared at Legolas. "You, come with me." I growled. MIKE: [Crystal] How *dare* you stand up for me! > He > came to my side and I stalked downstairs with the rest of the DIG team > following quietly. CROW: Mike, I've decided that I hate that glare, and all that it stands for. Is that wrong? MIKE: Normally, yes. Here - practically required. > > > > So Legolas met the Royal Bitch of the church MIKE: [Crystal] But enough about me! CROW: I could never keep all those church titles straight. Is that more like a choir director, or more like a lay reader? TOM: Look, we're in enough trouble already! > and has gotten himself in > trouble, where am I taking him and why? CROW: And, more importantly, who really wants to know? > Why on earth would I call Ryan > brother, TOM: You got soul? > we defiantly are not related TOM: So stick *that* in your genealogical table and smoke it! > and what do I have against the name > sissy? CROW: More importantly: why? Just, why? > Find out next Chapter. By the way Lori is not a real person MIKE: [Crystal] ...and she definitely does *not* beat me up and steal my lunch money every day... > she is a composite character. MIKE: [Crystal] *Lots* of people are nicer and more popular than me! > Please review with your comments. MIKE: [chuckling] Oh, we'll do *that* alright... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6....] On the bridge of the Satellite of Destruction, Michael J. Nelson, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo stared out into what would have normally been the inky blackness of space. Now, the starfield was awash in the deadly colors of blaster fire from a thousand spaceships, each from a different sci-fi universe. As the out-of-control dimensional portal built by Tom and Crow continued creating rifts into the fictional plane, more and more overpowered fantasy crafts poured into low Earth orbit, until there was hardly any room for anyone to move, much less fight... ***** "Captain! A Terran ship is approaching!" a Protoss lieutenant exclaimed. "Excellent. Send it careening towards one of our enemies." "Which one?" "*Any* one," the captain replied, as though the answer was obvious. ***** "ACKGLUGKA, UUURGA GAAG GRAAAAUUAAAGA GAAAAALAARRRUAG GUUUHRGIFGJKTL!" ("Captain! A Terran craft approaches!") a Kilrathi navigator on the corvette 'Blood Tide.' "Well, what are you waiting for, quimlad?" the commander responded in English that, other than being undercut with a slight husky growl, was flawless. "Kill them! Activate flak cannons and destroy them!" "But sir," a Kilrathi ensign exclaimed, a lion's growl punctuating his speech, "Are we not allied with the humans in an attempt to destroy the Nephilim?" There was a pause. The captain roared, picked up the ensign by his neck, and glared into his eyes. "I don't know what you are talking about, impetuous one, but rest assured, I will not tolerate such casual use of Civar's prophecy in my presence! The day we ally with humans is the day I turn in my Dorksha for a conductor's baton! Understand, whelp?" "... Yessir." ***** Far off, several quadrants away, a huge, scorching firefight was under way. The universe had not seen such a gargantuan clash of titans, and probably would not see one again, because the winner would quite likely tear it apart. "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. We will add your technological and biolog--" *BLAAAOOOOOOOOOM* "Such fragile craft these creatures build!" exclaimed a Nephilim over its radio link as it fired off its Manta's weapons, superheating the delicate bioorganic hull of the Borg cube and sending the hulk spinning away. "Stand and be judg--" *BOOM!* "Another one of those low-class imitators gone," a pilot for what is only known to humans as Species 8472 icily reported over his radio. A little ways off, another group of Nephilim were having problems of their own. "We are breaking up! All pilots, stand clear!" the comm officer of an Orca cried as the ship, sheered of its engines and bridge, violently self-destructed, taking the Zerg horde that had destroyed it along with it. "Sir!" one of Species 8472 exclaimed, deftly avoiding a few Zerglings and blasting a Hydrolisk into plasma, "I'm detecting a subspacial anomaly--" "What, *another* one?" "--Approximately thirty c--" And then the ship vanished in a swirl of purple light as it went speeding through subspace, courtesy of a Stellar Accretion device that the Nephilim had been working on. It appeared in just above Earth orbit, and promptly reigned havoc with the Trade Federation. The robots from Descent promptly took advantage of the situation. Not far from the Species 8472 vessel, half a dozen different incarnations of the U.S.S. Enterprise materialized out of space and time. Captain Kirk, having never quite forgiven Picard for letting him die in Star Trek: Generations, decided to take a potshot at the Enterprise-D, yet as he was about to fire, his Enterprise was instantly vaporized by the Jupiter II of 'Lost in Space', the crew of which had never quite forgiven Kirk for raising the bar of TV science fiction and dooming them to a future on TV Land and in cheesy 90's retro nostalgia movies... ***** Meanwhile, the poor Satellite of Evil was being thrown around like a trailer in a tornado, as scorching laser blasts grazed its hull and mighty hunks of previously-fictitious futuristic alloys pummeled the lower decks. "Hey, keep it on the road, Irresponsible Captain Tylor!" Tom yelled from the helm, honking the satellite's horn and cursing as only a robot can. "Get your own lane, Space Battleship Yamato!" Since Gypsy was currently possessed by the evil dimensional portal thingy, *someone* had to fly the ship. "Hey, Zentraedi, I see you back there! Stop riding my &#$@!$% bumper!" "Hey, Tom, why don't you give it a rest?" Mike said, putting his hand on Tom's shoulder. "It's not like we're actually going anywhere--" "Did you see what that @#$%!*-hole just did?" Tom shouted, turning the wheel hard to port. "That #$@#$%ing UFO from 'Asteroids' just cut me off! Hey, $&^@#$-face, lemme show you what Tom Servo's made of!" With that epithet, the satellite shot off in an explosive boost of acceleration, knocking Mike off his feet and causing Crow to slide and slip on the metal deck. "Whoa, what's gotten into Servo?" Mike pondered as he regained his footing. "Has he been merged with Cid Highwind or something?" "Nah, that's just road rage," Crow answered. "You should see him on the 405 at rush hour!" "Huh? How'd Tom get--" But Mike would not get a chance to work out his puzzlement. At that instant, an explosion rocked the decks of the Satellite of Lethargy, sending Mike and the bots flying across the bridge as the satellite careened off into space. The sudden changes in velocity tossed the three shipmates like BBs in a barrel, until, thanks to the complete messing-up of the laws of physics, the ship slowed down and skidded to a stop. "I don't think I can take much more of this, Mike," Crow stuttered erraticly as he attempted to pick himself up from the floor. "I just puked three times--and I don't even have a stomach!" Tom groaned in assent as he flipped his hoverskirt upright. "Grrrr.... if only we could get our hands on whoever built that dimensional thingy--oh wait, that was us," he said with a sigh. "Yes, it was you guys," said Mike with more than his usual air of annoyance. "And just because you wanted your own Lord of the Rings elf to play with like in the fanfic you had to open the gates of *hell* and unleash horrible terrible destruction on the very nature of reality itself!" "How did I know that was supposed to happen?" Crow whined. "It's not like I programmed the thing for total world domination!" Tom piped in: "Well, you kind of have to expect these things when you run Windows 95." A pause. Somewhere, a cricket chirped. "Gee whiz, guys, I was only trying to inject some levity into a stressful situation," Tom said assuming a defensive posture. "Things can't be all that bad. We have Crystal out there rallying all the Mary Sues to the earth's defen--oh crap, we're doomed, aren't we?" "I wouldn't say that, Servo," Crow responded. "As we know, Mary Sues have tremendous powers against fictional characters. If Crystal were to somehow unite the world's self-inserted avatars and somehow persuade them to use their powers for good instead of inflating their huge egos, we might just win this thing!" "Hey, gang?" Mike was staring out into the mess of space trash on the Hexfield screen. "You know that big explosion that just knocked us half way to the moon?" "Yeah, what about it?" Tom said. "That was Crystal's ship." Tom sighed. "I guess her huge ego made her too easy a target then..." "Well, that about does it for the universe, I suppose," Crow said. "Anyone for a game of Scrabble?" TO BE CONTINUED... ===== Special thanks to James Bond for his exciting revision of the host segment and to Keith Palmer for his text-file tech support. All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl/Isis, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003-2004 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. Just be glad there weren't any *song lyrics* in this part... ----- Last updated: 11 February 2004 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > Lori taunted. "Damn right I'm trying to provoke you, you think you're so cool > with your wheelchairs, your motorcycle and Legolas well guess what, none of > that matters, not here." With that she punched me again.