Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "The Triumph of the Retart" by Peter Guerin Misted by Alex Gareipy, Bill Livingston, Cory McCasland, Keith Palmer, D. Reed, Rebo Valance, and Matt Blackwell (editor) [Season 10 Opening Sequence] [The doors open upon the Bridge of the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson, the human occupant of the satellite, sits behind the command console, with his head in his hands. His robotic companions, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, stand to his left and right.] Crow: We could both wear cowboy hats and pretend to speak Italian. Mike: I don't know, Crow. Crow: Come on! Guess! Mike: Um, "Ticket to Ride"? Crow: No! Geez, Mike. It's "Down Together" by the Refreshments. Tom: Okay, my turn. Here you go, Mike. "People always told me, be careful what you do. Don't go around breaking young girl's hearts." Mike: Guys, please leave me alone. Tom: Oooh. Close. Same artist, but wrong song. It's "Billie Jean." [Mike groans and looks up to address the camera.] Mike: Hi folks. Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. For the past three hours, Servo and Crow here have been pelting me with impromptu lyrics quizzes. Over and over and over again, I... Tom: Ooh! "Eve of Destruction"! Mike: [harshly] That wasn't a lyric! Tom: Oh. Sorry. Mike: Anyway, my patience is not only exhausted but it's currently crumpled up in a corner, crying softly to itself. Tom: I think I know this one. It's a Morrisey song, right? Mike: It's not a song lyric! Stop pestering me with them! Tom: Geez. Okay. [All is silent for a moment.] Crow: Okay, my turn. [Mike groans and buries his head in his hands.] Crow: Okay, here's an easy one for you. "She's coming on like a bicycle army..." [As Crow speaks, the lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash. Crow's voice trails off, and Mike raises his head. All three of the crew turn to stare at the signal.] Mike: Er, are we due for an experiment? Crow: I don't think so. Tom: Heck, we haven't even shown commercials yet. Mike: [whispered harshly] Stop breaking the fourth wall, Tom. [normal] I guess we better see what's up. [hits button] Um, hello? [The scene shifts to a darkened Castle Forrester. In the foreground, a figure shrouded in darkness stands. He speaks in a low, distorted tone.] Figure: Mike Nelson? [SoL] Mike: Yes? [Castle Forrester] Figure: I bring you a warning. You are in imminent danger. A piece has been unearthed by the one called Pearl that will shake your soul to its very foundation. For soon, you shall face a piece so horrible that... [SoL] Crow: Um, excuse me? Why are you telling us this? [Castle Forrester] Figure: I have committed horrible sins in the past and I feel that I must atone for my actions. Besides, Pearl won't let me watch "West Wing" and this is a good way to get even. [SoL] Tom: Oh. [Castle Forrester] Figure: Where was I? Oh yeah. Be warned! For imminently, another story from one of your favorite authors shall be sent to you and his name is... Pearl: [O.S.] Bobo?!? Where the heck are those Cheez-its? Figure: Gotta go. [normal voice] Coming, Lawgiver! [SoL] [The trio looks uneasily at each other.] Tom: This sounds bad. Crow: Yeah. Mike: [cheerfully] Guys, let's get serious here. We've suffered through a huge number of these things now. How bad could this possibly be? [Silence. The commercial sign begins to flash.] Mike: Okay, let's panic. [to the camera] We'll be right back. [The trio begin to rush wildly around as the planet bumper appears.] [Commercials] [Papers, CDs, and videotapes are scattered everywhere. From off-screen, the sound of crashing can be heard. Crow enters.] Crow: Hey everyone. We've spent the last few minutes cramming for this big thing that Pearl's supposed to be sending us. We figure that it's something from one of those anime guys, that James Cameron conspiracy guy, or something by James Joyce. I've been running over everything that I can find about anime, and Mike's been studying conspiracy theories. Tom started on James Joyce... Mike: [O.S.] Tom! get down from there! Crow: ... well, he got as far as page 6 of "Ulysses" before losing it. Tom: [O.S.] Pink boy, you can bite my shiny metal... Mike: [O.S.] Servo! Crow: He's convinced that he's Bender. Mike: [O.S.] Tom, put that down! Crow? Where did Tom get a keg from? Crow: I dunno. Maybe he got it from Keith's room. He was a big drinker. Mike: [O.S.] Keith? Tom: [O.S.] o/~ Puff the Magic Dragon, lived by the sea o/~ Crow: Mike, we've gone over this before. Mike: [O.S.] We have? But... Tom! Put the beer down! You can't drink that! Tom: [O.S.] Alcohol is essential to any robot's operation. Mike: [O.S.] No it's not! Gimme that! [Sounds of a scuffle can be heard off screen.] Crow: Aside from that, things are just about normal around here. [Mike enters, winded.] Mike: Whew. Crow: Where's Tom? Mike: I handed him off to Gypsy. She's trying to reprogram him back to normal. Well, as normal as he usually is, anyway. [A *CLANG* can be heard off screen.] Crow: She's using the frying pan technique again, isn't she? Mike: Yep. So, who's this Keith guy? Crow: Like I told you before, Mike, Keith was... [As Crow speaks, the light signaling a call from Castle Forrester activates.] Crow: I'll tell you later. Mike: Well, let's see what the harbinger of doom wants. [Mike taps the lights and the scene shifts to...] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl Forrester, evildoer, stands before the camera.] Pearl: Hey Mike. Art. How are things up there? [SoL] Mike: Oh, pretty well, I guess. Only one of us is acting psychopathically. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: So, things are pretty slow then? [SoL] Mike: Yep. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: And did everyone sleep well last night? [SoL] Mike: I did. The bots didn't though. Crow: We don't really sleep much, Pearl. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Well, enough with the pointless banter. Today's experiment is a feel good story from one of your favorite authors, Peter Guerin. [SoL] [Tom enters, slightly dazed.] Mike: Hold on, Pearl! We're wise to your little game! Crow: You've found something horrible and you're going to inflict it on us! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, please. Guys, tonight's story is an uplifting tale of overcoming adversity! It's called "Triumph of the Retart." Come on, guys! Listen to the reviews! "Wonderful!" "A powerful story!" David Manning calls it "A triumph of the human soul!" [SoL] Mike: Oh. Crow: That doesn't sound too bad. Tom: Mom? Are we having waffles for breakfast? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Now that's the spirit! Now you little tykes just head on into the theater and let Auntie Pearl just send you up a story, okay? [SoL] [The lights on the command console have begun to flash.] All: Okay, Auntie Pearl. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: And if you're good, there might be some marshmallow squares waiting for you afterwards... [SoL] Crow: Yay! Marshmallow squares! [As the bots jump around like puppies, Mike hits the light, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [Mike and the robots enter the theater and take their seats.] Mike: Wow. Pearl seems really nice today. Crow: Maybe she's turning over a new leaf. Tom: Or maybe she's just being extra nice because she's sending us a real doozy and wants it to catch us off guard. [pause] All: Nah. Mike: She must be getting sentimental on us. > > >TRIUMPH OF THE "RETART" > Mike: One of Leni Reifenstahl's lesser-known films. >A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story by Peter Guerin. > Tom: Peter Guerin! The man who brought you "Miffy Sissi Never Done Banana Split" and "Rerun of the Lawndale Muffler"! >With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Mike Judge. Tom: [officious] No Japanese people were offended in the making of this fanfic. Crow: Well, that's a start. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER > Tom: I disclaim this land from Spain! >This story is entirely a work of fiction. Nothing in this story ever >happened. Tom: And a preemptive thank-you to whatever divine powers insured that. Mike: It hasn't started yet. Crow: Yeah, but my Spider-sense is tingling. > Other than the characters that I created for this story, Mike: And I assure you, President Fillard Millmore is my original creation, yes siree. > all >"Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters depicted in this story >are (C) 1993, 1997, 1998 MTV Networks. Mike: In the other years, they became free agents, at one point almost signing a five-year deal with the Chicago Cubs. Crow: No "Undressed" characters? What a gyp! > All "King of the Hill" >characters depicted in this story are (C) 1997, 1998 Twentieth >Century-Fox Film Corporation. Crow: Fox! Lowering the lowest common denominator since 1987! > A News Corporation Company. Tom: The News is copyrighted by Fox? Mike: Yep. They own the Middle East, China, California, George W. Bush... Crow: Don't be silly, Mike! Everyone knows the Oil Lobby owns Dubya! > All rights >reserved. As for continuity, this story takes place before "The Misery >Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle". Crow: Hey! Ol' Pete's getting back to the basics for this story. Tom: Yep. No scrubbing bubbles, no rickety World War Two surplus planes... just good, old-fashioned army boots. Mike: But that pain still lies in their future. Tom: Shouldn't we try to warn them? Crow: Nope. If we couldn't avoid it, why should they? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >SONG CREDITS [All sigh.] Crow: Just like the swallows returning to Capistrano. > >"Killing in the Name": Mike: What ever happened to just "living" in the name? > Lyrics by Zack de la Rocha; Tom: Hey, it's the funny little cartoon cockroach! > music by Rage >Against the Machine. Crow: Tonight, at the Big O! It's the XFL's Orlando Rage against the World Football League's Montreal Machine! Mike: Um, Crow? The Montreal Machine no longer exists. Crow: Neither does the XFL, so what's your point? > (C) 1992 Retribution Music (BMI). Tom: Bowel Movement Institute. > All Rights >Reserved. Tom: What about lefts? Mike: Those too. Three lefts make a right. > Available on Rage Against the Machine's 1992 self-titled >album on Epic Associated CD's and cassettes. > Crow: No wax cylinders? Hmmph! Tom: Here our gramophone was ready to give us years of faithful service, and then *they* force us to buy the next big thing! >"Bulls on Parade": Tom: From the CD "Songs of the Stock Market." Mike: [To a march tempo] o/~ They're buuuuulls on parade! They're mooing along, the matadors are afraaaaaaid... o/! > Lyrics by Zack de la Rocha; music by Rage Against >the Machine. Crow: I think I'm sensing a pattern here. > (C) 1996 Sony/ATV Songs LLC and Retribution Music (BMI). Mike: I'm starting to think this is some form of divine retribution. >All rights administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing. All Rights >Reserved. Crow: [Minnewegean accent] Oh, them rights are just shy, don't ya know? > Appearing on Rage Against the Machine's 1996 album "Evil >Empire" on Epic CD's and cassettes. > Crow: AKA The AOL-Time Warner Story. Tom: [Reagan] Mr. Deli Roach, tear down this album! >"The Impossible Dream": Mike: You can just hear the musical transmission dropping out right here. > Lyrics by Joe Darion; music by Mitch Leigh. Crow: Voice enhanced by Sync Sound! >(C) 1965 by Andrew Scott, Inc., Helena Music Corp., Sam Fox All: SAMANTHA FOX?!? Crow: That's such a hot name! Tom: Yeah, but what's in a name? Mike: Turns out, naughty girls need fanfics too. > Publishing >Company, Inc. All rights reserved. From the musical "The Man of La >Mancha," based on the novel "Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes >Saavedra. > Mike: This seems rather a quixotic selection... get it? Tom: But wait - where's it available? Crow: Pete's slipping. >"Nearer, My God, to Thee": Lyrics by Sarah F. Adams; music by Lowell >Mason. > Tom: No Rights Reserved? Uh oh! Guerin's got an opening in his disclaimer that lawyers can puncture through! Crow: No comment. Mike: Politic of you. But what was there to comment on? Crow: Nothing, really... but 'no comment' makes it sound like I had something witty to say. >"Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing": Words by James Weldon Johnson; music by >J. Rosamond Johnson. (C) 1921 by Edward B. Marks Music Corporation. >Copyright renewed. International Copyright Secured. All Rights >Reserved. Tom: Patent Officers of the World UNITE against bad fanfic writers! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >----------------------------------------------------------AUTHOR'S >DEDICATION > Tom: Considering the length of past efforts, perhaps excessive. >This story is dedicated to Kristin Graziani (1969-1996), a fellow >student of mine from Connetquot High School (Bohemia, New York) who >was pretty much like Daria when we were in school Crow: She too was animated and moved from time slot to time slot by MTV. > and who tragically >succumbed to a congenital heart defect a couple of years ago. I miss >you, Mother Hen. > Mike: Say, when you see Steve Thorpe, give him a 'hi' from us, will ya? >"There's gonna be some sweet sounds on the night shift." --The >Commodores, "Night Shift" Tom: And now, back to the tripe. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." --Dr. Martin >Luther King, Jr. > Mike: "Beware of thinkers whose minds function only when they are fueled by a quotation." -- E. M. Cioron >"Nothing dies so hard, or rallies so often as intolerance." --Henry >Ward Beecher > Tom: "One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings." -- Diogenes Crow: "Quotation confesses inferiority." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson >"When Israel was in Egypt's land,/ Mike: That was called the Six Day War, wasn't it? > Let my people go!/Oppressed so hard >they could not stand,/Let my people go!/Go down, Moses/ Mike: Further. Further. Down further. No, wait, come back up a little now - little more. Perfect! Now say "cheese"! > Way down in >Egypt's land;/Tell old Pharaoh,/Let my people go!" --"Go Down, Moses", >traditional spiritual song Tom: I'm sensing a great disturbance in the Force... as if millions of civil rights activists suddenly began to spin in their graves. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 1: Everybody's Talkin' About the New Kid in Town Tom: So, while Harry Potter becomes a hit in other parts of the world, this little part talks about Janette Oke's Animal Friends? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- > >Somewhere, on a tropical beach, Mike: Santa Claus was taking his well-earned vacation. > Daria Morgendorffer was lying on the >sand, wearing a green one-piece bathing suit and sunglasses. Mike: Just one sentence into the story, and already we got one of the many Guerin-isms out there! Tom: Yes, a green-clad heroine must keep color-coded! Crow: Meanwhile, on another side of the island, Richard Hatch is probably streaking by again... > Next to >her was Trent Lane, Mike: As portrayed by Daria's friend, Wilson the Volleyball. > lead singer and guitarist for Mystik Spiral; Tom: Like he isn't baked enough? > he >was wearing purple trunks that went down to his knees. > Tom: Trent had just finished fighting The Abomination, and had finally managed to ditch that Rick Jones twerp. >"This is how I like it," Mike: Is 'like' even in Daria's vocabulary? Crow: No. > Daria began to say," lying here on a beach >with you, without a care in the world." > Crow: Except for medical waste, skin cancer, and visible panty lines. >"Hey, that's cool with me," Trent said. > Crow: Um, Trent? Everything is cool with you. Heck, even Ricky Martin is cool with you. >"Now," Daria added, "if only Quinn got eaten by a shark, it would be >perfect." > Mike: Maybe for you, but what about the shark? Crow: [Quinn] Grey is such a bland color! If you're looking for a neutral, try eggplant! >Quinn, Daria's sister, was swimming nearby, wearing a pink bikini. Crow: Ahhh... more gratuitous shots of cartoon flesh. Joy. >Indeed, a shark's fin pierced the water. John Williams' "Jaws" theme >could be heard in the background. Mike: Huh! And here I was hearing Danny Elfman's "Jaws" theme. Crow: James Horner's "Jaws" theme for me. Tom: Hey! Mike: What? Tom: The 'Jaws' theme... it wasn't listed up there in the song credits! It's a travesty! Mike: You really care that much? Tom: No. > Suddenly, the shark appeared and >opened its mouth. Mike: Now open your mouth and say "AAAAAH". Tom: Who? Mike: Both of them. > Quinn saw it and screamed as the shark swallowed her >whole. Mike: This was no boating accident! > But then, after a few seconds, the shark gagged, reversed its >peristalsis Mike: Oooh, vocabulary word of the week... Tom: "Peristalsis: The wavelike muscular contractions of the alimentary canal or other tubular structures by which contents are forced onward toward the opening." Crow: Where do you find all this useless trivia? Tom: Memepool. > and spat out Quinn onto the shore. Mike: Bulimic sea life - is your fish at risk? Next "Oprah". > Quinn, now covered in >shark barf, went up to Daria. > Tom: Please, Pete! Let's keep the biological technobabble to a minimum. Crow: Y'know, we've seen a lot of cheesy movies and read a lot of bad fanfiction up here, but I don't recall ever before being confronted by the term "Shark Barf" before. Mike: Well, except as relates to "Devil Fish". >"Daria," Quinn began to shriek," if you think that's your idea of a >joke, it's not funny!" > Tom: Jonah, this isn't. Crow: After being swallowed by a shark and regurgitated onto a beach, her first priority is yelling at Daria? What about any injuries? Mike: Yes, if nothing else she'd freak out over the condition of her hair. Tom: She probably broke a nail or two as well. >Daria was taking off her sunglasses when Quinn threw a punch. > Mike: Oh no, now her one-piece bathing suit will have a nasty stain! >Suddenly, Daria's alarm clock began to buzz. She was jolted awake. > Tom: And now for something completely different. >"Damn," she said to herself; "I was having a very good dream, then >Quinn and the alarm clock had to ruin it for me!" > Crow: Maybe this story is really a dream within a dream and the real Daria will wake up and be funny! >She got out of bed and got dressed. Today was going to be the first >day of the new school year. Tom: Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! > She took off her blue T-shirt and yellow >shorts, slipped on her brown robe, took a shower, Crow: In her robe? Damn, Daria must be REALLY tired! > cleaned her face, Mike: Using what? Crow: Yes, without the crucial knowledge of what color the wash cloth was, we simply can't continue! >went to her dresser, put on a bra and panties, Tom: What, over her sopping wet robe? > then went to the closet >and put on her usual outfit of brown T-shirt, green jacket, black >knee-length skirt and black combat boots. Mike: More incredibly precise yet meaningless details as they become available! And now back to... oh, it's still this. Tom: What is it with male writers and their need to catalog every single thing the female protagonist is wearing? Crow: No clue, but personally I don't mind. > She then went down the >stairs to the kitchen. Mike: But not before bumping into several things, as she forgot to put on her glasses. > Already Quinn was at the table, along with Jake >and Helen, Daria and Quinn's father and mother, respectively, eating >breakfast. > Tom: Also present at the table was Helen's secret lesbian lover Wanda, as well as Marty the talking dog. Crow: So... Jake is Daria's father and Helen is Quinn's mother? Mike: Yes, but I don't think that's what he intended to say. >"Good morning, Daria!," chirped Jake. [All do various bird calls.] Tom: He's waiting for Helen to regurgitate her food. > "Ready to take on another school >year?" > Mike: For the duration of this fanfic, Jake Morgendorffer will be played by a 2-year old parakeet. >"I find school as thrilling as getting a root canal," droned Daria. > Mike: That seems like the wrong verb. Tom: Any particular reason? Mike: Nope. >"Daria," Helen shot back, Tom: Guerin-ism #212: Always shoot back at a conversation. > "do you always have to have a negative >attitude towards everything?" > Tom: [Daria] Yes, because otherwise we're all out of work. >"I only have negative attitudes about things that are stupid," replied >Daria. > Mike: [Daria] Which pretty much encompasses everything and everyone I know except me and Jane. And sometimes, I wonder about Jane. Crow: Yep, there goes the "Dry as a Desert" Daria wit, once again... >"Daria, you are such a dweeb!," said Quinn. > Tom: Ah, classic Quinn. Only she could say something that... >"And you're an even bigger dweeb, Quinn!," said Daria in response. > Tom: ...I stand corrected. Crow: [Quinn] That's *it*? That's the best you can do? Mike: [Daria] Hey, give me a break, I had a very restless night, dreaming of slackers in knee pants and shark barf. >"Come on, you two!," Jake pleaded. "You'd better finish your breakfast >and get going!" > >"Well, back to the salt mines!," said Daria as she helped herself to >some pancakes and eggs. Crow: Knowing Principal Li, that's probably not a joke. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Daria was walking down the street Mike: o/~ Singing 'Doo-wah-diddi-diddi-dum-diddi-doo'! o/~ > toward Lawndale High School with her >best friend Jane Lane. So far, it had been a pretty quiet walk. > Mike: Then the story started up again. >"So," Jane finally broke the ice, Tom: Now to enjoy a cool glass of Tang! > "how do you think this school year >will go?" > Tom: [Daria] DeMartino should have that coronary any day now and Upchuck will be charged with sexual harassment. >"Same stuff, different year," replied Daria sarcastically. > Mike: And exactly how is that sarcastic? >"C'mon, Daria," Jane continued, "things might be a bit different; you >never know." > Mike: [Jane] Otherwise, this fanfic would be titled "Same old poop I endure every school year." >"Let's face facts, Jane," Daria replied; Tom: [Daria] We're in a cartoon TV show. We'll NEVER grow up! > "it's always the same story: Crow: [Daria] We go on some dull, yet somewhat exciting adventure. The other characters pop in with a few quips, then we end the show with an odd music video. La la, LA-la la. We're done, next episode, please? >popular people like Quinn, Kevin and Brittany shun smart people like >us and we're treated like we're lower than whale dung. Mike: Come on! Manganese nodules are a valuable natural resource. Crow: Oh, really? Mike: Well, they are. > It's always >been that way and perhaps will always be that way." > Tom: Misery Zen: the fad that's sweeping the nation. >"Well, actually, there are some people at Lawndale High treated worse >than us," Jane was quick to add. > Mike: The janitors? >"Who?," Daria wanted to know. > Mike: The teachers then? >"The poor unfortunate students who are assigned to Special Education," >answered Jane. Tom: [Daria] Oh yeah, those dweebs! Whew! It sure is a relief to know we're not at the bottom of the social chain. > "Did you know that there about two hundred Special >Education students in Lawndale High?" > Tom: [Jane] That's about 20% of the school's contingent of students! I saw it on 60 Minutes last night. >"How come I don't see them?," demanded Daria. > Mike: [Jane] Because Ms. Li made them up so that she could get extra funding from the school district. If anyone asks, they're all off on a field trip. >"That's because they're segregated to their own part of the school," >Jane said. Mike: [Jane] Now they're talking about political autonomy! Tom: Oh, it's a very special fanfic! > "The Special Education students rarely ever go outside that >wing except going to and from there at the start and end of the day, >as well as the few lucky ones who get mainstreamed into regular >classes. The regular students keep harassing them and beating them up. Mike: While the irregular students spend all day in the bathroom. >The students who are relegated to that wing call it 'The Ghetto.'" > Tom: o/~ And the teachers cry. 'Cause if there's one thing the school don't need, it's another empty brain to feed in the ghetto... o/~ >"And I thought segregation was dead in this country," sneered Daria. > Crow: [Jane] Wow, I love it when you impersonate Billy Idol! >"By the way," Jane said, "did I tell you we've got new neighbors?" > Crow: Jane needs to work on her segue skills a bit. >"You do?," said a rather surprised Daria. > Mike: [Jane] It's those losers from "Spy Groove." They kept me up last night with their whining about their cancellation. Crow: [Daria] Bummer. >"Yeah," Jane replied; "They moved in a couple of weeks ago. They're >called the MacAllisters. Tom: Don't they give awards to opera singers? > They're pretty cool folks. I met their >younger son David. Tom: [Jane] He'll be part of the big plot point later on. > He seems to be a pretty good person, if a bit >sensitive. Mike: [Daria] What do you mean, "sensitive"? Tom: [Jane] I mean he cries when he watches "Judging Amy". And "Lexx". And "The Weakest Link". And "The Drew Carey Show". Crow: [Jane] Oh, and their older son is trying to build some sort of local militia, but I'm sure we won't ever hear about that again. > He's going to be going to Lawndale High with us." > Mike: I sense a theme between this conversation and the one about Special Ed. Tom: Nothing gets by you, huh Mike? >"I guess I'll have to meet him," Daria said. > Crow: [Jane] Yeah, well, it's in the script, so not much you can really do about it. Sorry. >They were now right at the front yard of Lawndale High. They entered >the front doors. Tom: Guerin-ism #201: Make a big deal about them entering or "beginning to enter" buildings. > Jodie Landon and Michael Jordan Mackenzie, a/k/a >Mack, Mike: a/k/a Big Baby Sweets. > were waiting for them. > Mike: See, Tony Soprano had just ordered a hit on Jane... >"Daria, Jane, just the people I was hoping to talk to," Jodie said. > Tom: [Jodie] I'm much too optimistic. Quick, depress me. >"What's up, Jodie?," Daria said. > Tom: [Daria] You haven't been traded to "Undergrads", have you? >"Well," Jodie said, "as you know, we lost our president-elect for >Student Government when her father was transferred to another state. Mike: [Daria] If we already knew, then what was the point of saying it? >So, as Vice President, I have to serve as Acting President until >special elections are held. Crow: These very special elections are brought to you by the letters 'M', 'T', and 'V'. > Do you think you want to take a stab at >being Student Government President?" > Tom: [Jodie] Heavens forefend I run for the office. You know, being actually qualified and all... >"I think I'll pass," Daria said. > Crow: What? No "I'd rather gargle acid"? Tom: Not even a half-hearted "Up yours"? Mike: Maybe she took her Prozac today. Crow: If she had, she'd be smashing Jodie upside the head with a brick bat. >"Why?," asked an astonished Jodie. "Don't you want to get involved >with you school?" > Mike: [Daria] I have many failings. Irrational lust for run-down educational institutions is fortunately not among them. >"Jodie," Daria said, Crow: [Daria] I'm a poet, not a politician! > "I was once involved with the local chapter of >GLAAD Crow: Daria Morgendorffer: plastic wrap fan club president! > as well as fashion reporter for the school newspaper when I was >living in Highland; [All laugh] Tom: *That* must've been a short career! Mike: [Daria] Shallow. Shallow. Shallow. Lame. Shallow. Shallow *and* lame. Shallow. Shallow, lame and stupid looking. Shallow. > I'll never make that mistake again." > Crow: Guerin-ism #602: If something needs explaining, make a huge appendix! Tom: Weird, no asterisk... you think all the references will be in one big hurtful appendix this time? >"You're actually a lesbian?," Mack said in shock. > Tom: [Daria] Yes, I'm from Beirut. >"No," Daria shot back; Mike: Soon, Daria was slamming back vodka, tequila, heck, even cough syrup. > "I joined GLAAD to shock my parents. Crow: [Daria] And to get some money from Kevin Smith. Tom: [Daria] Well, and to hook up with this cute redhead. But that was just a phase! I swear! > That >wasn't the mistake. Crow: [Daria] It was just that I didn't have the voltage turned up high enough. > Being the fashion reporter was. Besides, what >chance do I have against popular airheads like Sandi and Quinn?" > Crow: Kinda like Ralph Nader's chances of winning next election. >"Rats," All: Vote Bush! > Jane said, "if I knew you were a lessie I would have been >pretty interested in you." > Mike: [Jane] After all, it's time for you to stop leasing and get property of your own! I have a lovely house in Greenwood that you should see... >Daria was dumbfounded, then Jane slapped her on the back, snickered >and said, "Just kidding, Daria!" > Tom: [Jane] You don't interest me in the slightest. I've just been using you to get to Quinn. >"That was a relief!," muttered Daria to herself. > Tom: Well, then! Let's move on to showing how Daria and company accept those different from them. >"What about you, then, Jane?," Jodie said. "Do you want to run for >Student Government President?" > Mike: At this rate Jodie will be accosting farm animals by the time the day is out. Crow: What's with her? It's like she WANTS someone else to be President! Tom: Maybe she's expecting an uprising by the Home Ec class. >"I'll take a rain check on that," Jane said; "I'm too involved with my >art work as it is." > Crow: Yeah, she's busy with that new atrium project, painting angels and naked people. >They were going to go to their homeroom when they stopped at a rather >dingy-looking wing of the school. It was the infamous "Ghetto". > Mike: How infamous can it be if Daria's never heard of it before today? Tom: o/~ From a cold and dreary Lawndale class, Daria and Jane got a hallway pass to the Ghetto! o/~ Crow: o/~ To the Ghetto! o/~ >"Well, Daria," said Jane, "this is the 'Ghetto.'" > >"Pretty dingy-looking, don't you think?," asked Daria. > Crow: Daria read the description a few paragraphs up. >"Special Education has a pretty low priority here," Jane said. > Tom: Ms. Li spent all the budget on electro-shock equipment. >"Seeing this place give me the creeps!," Mack said. > Mike: For students who've been in this school for a long while, you think this was their FIRST visit. >They soon went to their homeroom. Crow: They are now IN their homeroom. Tom: They soon listen to the teacher about nothing important. Crow: They are now LISTENING to the teacher about nothing important. > No one noticed when a guy with brown >curly hair, blue eyes, eyeglasses, a collared shirt buttoned to the >top and corduroy pants went to the "Ghetto". Mike: A young Art Garfunkle visits Harlem. Crow: Ah, an unknown character described in detail... how important can he be? Tom: o/~ People don't you understand! Those special stu... o/~ Mike: We get it, Tom. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Homeroom lasted five minutes. [Tom simulates a schoolbell.] Mike: [teacher] Everybody take their seats! [Tom repeats the sound.] Mike: [teacher] Class dismissed! > Soon the bell rang for first period >class. Quinn had her admirers, Jeffy, Jamie and Joey, surrounding her. > Crow: Alright Quinn, we have you surrounded! Now tell us where the Fashion Club is going Friday Night! >"So, guys, do I look cute as ever?," Quinn gushed. > Tom: I say she's only at 87% cute today. Crow: Are you kidding? 62%, and that's being kind! >"Yeah, you do, Quinn!," Joey said. > >Jeffy and Jamie added their agreement to Joey's comment. > Mike: Then they filed an affidavit affirming their agreement to Joey's comment. >The guy with brown curly hair was leaving the "Ghetto". Tom: o/~ After homeroom in desperation, the young man breaks away. He grabs... o/~ Mike: Tom? Enough already. It's giving me a headache. > Jeffy saw him. > Mike: [Jeffy] Cool, walk-ins! I thought this show would never have those! >"Excuse us, Quinn," Jeffy said, "but it looks like that new kid in >town needs to be taught his place." > Tom: Pardon me, but when exactly did Quinn's dumber-than-dirt posse turn into sadistic bigoted terrorists? Mike: About five seconds after the plot demanded it. >The three boys left Quinn and went up to the stranger. > >"Hey, you!," Jeffy said. > Mike: [Jeffy] Get into my car! Crow: [Guy] Who me? Mike: [Jeffy] Yes, you! Get into my car! >The guy with the brown curly hair tried to just walk away. Jeffy, >Jamie and Joey then surrounded him. > Mike: I hate teamsters ganging up on you like that. Tom: Curse those inversely rhymed named people! >"Are you deaf, retart?," Joey said to him. > Crow: And if he was? Would they leave him alone then? Tom: Ah, the joys of pre-cooked pastries... Mike: That's "Pop Tarts," not "retarts". >"I don't like being called a 'retart,'" the guy with brown curly hair >finally spoke. > Tom: Especially because it's spelled wrong. Crow: But on the other hand, when you rearrange the letters you get "ratter". Mike: Meaning? Crow: [pause] Geez, Nelson, does *everything* have to have a meaning?!? >"We'll call you anything we want to!, Mike: [Jeffy] We'll call you Janet, even though we're nasty! > you fuckin' retart!" Jeffy said >as he seized him by the collar of his shirt and slammed him against >the lockers. > Tom: Next time on Oz... Crow: I would grammatically deconstruct that sentence, but Mike would yell at me. >"Please, I don't want to get into trouble on my first day!," the guy >with brown curly hair pleaded. > Crow: Yeah, at least wait until tomorrow! >"Listen up, retart!," Jamie said. Mike: [Jamie] You're supposed to be in the parking lot! The Dead Milkmen are taking you to the zoo in their bus! > "That wing you just left is called >'The Ghetto'! Crow: [Jamie] That means seven years of bad luck, ya hear? > You and all you other retarts are supposed to remain in >there! Tom: [Guy] Look, I was just passing through it to get to class faster, do you mind not jumping to such conclusions? > You're not allowed to go beyond there all day long! Crow: [Guy] Oh, I'm sorry I have freedom of movement! > That way, >you and your other retart friends don't pollute our school! Mike: Pollute? Is there a scientific explanation for this? Crow: They are known to emit CFCs? I think not! > Go back to >where you belong, retart!" > Mike: Great. It's the JJJ. Tom: Yep, they intimidate people by burning croissants in front of their houses. Crow: See, this is what I like about Pete's stories - the subtle and understated way he gives us hints about who the bad guys are. >"But I have a math class to go to now!," whined the guy with brown >curly hair in fear. > Tom: That's the most advanced case of mathophobia that I've ever seen! Crow: Y'know, maybe I'm wrong, but I think this guy just *may* have curly brown hair. Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. >"Then we'll have to teach you the hard way!," Joey said. Tom: [Joey] Find the square root of 7 with an abacus! > Jeffy and >Jamie held him by the forearms as Joey began to sucker punch him in >the gut. > Mike: What happened to 'zero tolerance'? Crow: The assailants aren't holding chicken fingers... Tom: I know I'm supposed to feel sympathetic, but I just feel empty and kind of hungry. >"HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!," the guy with brown curly hair yelled. > Crow: o/~ Oh where, oh where has my Underdog gone, oh where o where can he be... o/~ >Daria and Jane, Tom: ...crotch-kicking superheroines! > who were on their way to Mr. DeMartino's social >studies class, heard it. > Crow: Quick, to the Misery Chick-mobile! >"What the Hell's going on?," Daria said. > Mike: [Announcer] Reporting live from Pandemonium, this is Television of the Damned... >"It doesn't sound good," Jane said. > Tom: They need to lower the bass and increase the treble. Mike: Since when does a cry for help ever sound good? >Curiosity got the better of them and they went down to where they >heard the commotion. When they got there, they were shocked. > Mike: These lockers are green! I never noticed that before! >"Jeffy, Jamie, Joey," Tom: Justin! Jason! Jared! Mike: Jeremy! Jimmy! Johnny! Crow: Jaleel! Jasper! Jehosaphat! > Daria said, "what the Hell are you doing?" > Mike: [Announcer] The Potentate for Immoral Policing denied today rumors that he had failed to take a proffered bribe... >"We're teaching this retart his place, Misery Chick!," Joey said. Crow: By punching him senseless? I don't like this lesson. Tom: And shouldn't that be NEO Misery Chick? > He >then hit the guy with the brown curly hair right in the testicles. Mike: And with that, the official Guerin Nutkick Count is underway! Crow: [terrified] If the forces of evil have learned Guerin's finishing move, then what hope do any of us have? > He >let out a loud "AAAAAAAAAAAA!" > Crow: Um, why is Joey screaming if the 'guy with the brown curly hair' is getting beat up? Tom: It's an unspecified reference. I think he meant that the 'guy with the brown curly hair' was screaming. Crow: Oh. Mike: Personally, I'm wondering why Joey gets all the lines. >Jane then got a good look at who it was they were beating up. "Oh, my >god! Mike: He's full of stars! > It's David!," she gasped. > Crow: Well, that's easier to say than 'guy with the brown curly hair', for sure. >"You know this fuckin' retart, Janey Waney?," touted Joey. > Crow: Uh, Tom, can I get a definition for 'touted'? Tom: Publicize, and/or a bunch of stuff dealing with betting on horses. Mike: Janey Waney? Are these two an item? Crow: Only if that item is rotten and moldy. >"Yeah," yelled Jane, "he's my next door neighbor! All: Gasp! Mike: We're shocked! Shocked I say! Tom: I never saw it coming! > And I don't like >being called 'Janey Waney!'" Mike: But it rhymes and everything! Crow: Huh. Now David's going to think she was just mad about the nickname. Tom: Well, every little bit helps. > With that, she ran up to Joey and >broadsided him with a right hook. > Mike: Uh, probably a bad idea. Jane doesn't seem like an athletic type, and I'm pretty sure the three boys are. Crow: Still, every neighborhood relationship should be this thoughtful. Tom: Just so long as she doesn't ask David to return her lawnmower when all this is over. >Daria went up to Jeffy and Jamie and gave them a quick kick to their >testicles, sending them howling. [All sigh.] Mike: Two. Tom: Three. Crow: Actually, two at once is pretty darn impressive. Mike: She's Jean-Claude Van Daria. > David collapsed onto the floor and >cowered in fear. > Mike: At this point logic has just thrown up its arms and said "I just don't know..." Tom: Uh... wouldn't running away and/or getting to math class be a more appropriate reaction? >Jane sent Joey reeling with a left cross. Daria then sent Jeffy and >Jamie crashing to the floor with quick blows to their solar plexus, Tom: "Super Daria Lawndale Action" now available for Gamecube, Playstation 2, X-Box, Sega Dreamcast, PC and Mac. Mike: And Guerin tries something totally different and mentions a place OTHER than the area during the fight. Crow: Maybe that's just another name for area. >but not before Jeffy smacked Daria right between the eyes, breaking >her glasses in half. Tom: For this story the role Jeffy will be played by Ike Turner. Crow: Guerin-ism #59: Have Daria lose her glasses at one point. > The three of them then crawled away. > Crow: You haven't humiliated your enemies until they taste the floor wax as they retreat. >"Run away like the cowards you are!," shrieked Daria. Mike: But they're not running, they're crawling. Besides, I wouldn't be running either after being hit in the area. > She and Jane >turned to David. He was now crying. Daria now approached him. "It's OK >now," Daria said, embracing him and letting him cry on her shoulder; Tom: It all has to do with balance. Her nurturing mother side should cancel out her brutal street fighter side quite nicely. >"they won't bother you anymore." > Crow: [Daria] At least not until we leave. Then you're on your own again, so buck up. Mike: Yes, one fight is enough to keep them away forever. Tom: Okay, note to self: When facing a bully, give 'em a good kick to the crotch, and all your troubles will go away! >"Whoever you are, thank you," David said; "You're the first student I >ever met who gave a damn about me." Crow: And Jane is just what, liver and onions? Mike: No, Jane is just the sidekick. You know how it goes, they never get anything, not even acknowledgement. > He was sobbing uncontrollably now. Tom: [Jane] Told you he was sensitive. > >"I'm Daria Morgendorffer," Mike: Distant cousin of the great Dorf. > she said. "I guess you already know my >friend Jane Lane." > Mike: [David] *sniff* Well, I know enough not to call her "Janey Waney". Crow: *ahem* Tom: [David] Oh, right. I guess Daria is the SECOND student I ever met who gave a damn about me... >"Yes, I do, " David said. "I'm David MacAllister. I was going to my >math class when they began to harass me." > Mike: Not to be terribly pushy or anything, but isn't he rather late? >David then dried his eyes and took a good look at Daria. Mike: [David] Aren't the broken bits from the glasses hurting you? > "Did anyone >ever tell you that you look cute?," he said. > Tom: I see David seems to take the appropriate moment to start flirting. >Daria was dumbstruck by that. She began to blush. "Uh, actually, no," >she finally replied. With that, David suddenly French kissed her. Tom: The kind with tongue, or the kind where you kiss both cheeks? Crow: The world may never know... >Daria sprung back, more in shock than in anger. > Mike: [Daria] Ewwwww, cooties! Tom: Um, doesn't it require a certain amount of CONSENT on Daria's part for someone to get his tongue in her mouth?! Mike: Smile and nod, Tom. >"Did I tell you that David has never really gone out with girls?," >Jane said. > Tom: [Daria] Frankly, it shows. Here, let me and Jane show you how a French kiss is *supposed* to be done! Mike: I'd hate to see how he'd act when he feels a little more comfortable around them. >"Sorry!," pleaded David. > Mike: A synonym so nice he used it twice! >"That's OK," Daria said, "I guess you were carried away by the >emotional response. Crow: Emotional mood swings are common after being beaten up by bullies! > Just don't do that again, or I'll scratch your >eyes out." She added a grin to that, to let him know that she was just >kidding, so that he wouldn't freak out again. > Mike: And then she pulled her head off so that he would. >A crowd had heard all the commotion and gathered around the scene. Mike: What scene? Isn't it over? Tom: It's a belated-gathering. >Angela Li, the principal, managed to make her way through the crowd. > Crow: [Ms. Li] Great, I can sell footage of this to the WWF! >"Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane," Ms. Li began to say, "these three >students say you beat them up. Tom: Yep. Guys admit to getting thrashed by girls all the time. > Is that true?" She pointed right at >Jeffy, Jamie and Joey. > Crow: So Mike, when *you* were in high school, did the tough guys usually go running to the principal whining that a couple of girls had thrashed them? Mike: I think they'd have rather gargled with rusty razor blades in salt water. >"Ms. Li," Daria said, "David here was being attacked by those three. >We weren't going to just stand by and see him get beaten up to a >bloody pulp." > Mike: Aren't there any other witnesses? Tom: Nope, they only started to pay attention AFTER the French kiss. >"I want the three of you in my office right now!," she said. > Mike: Um, which three? There's six involved. Crow: Try not to get too involved with what story there is. >"Uh, oh! Now we're going to face the firing squad!," Jane said. Tom: [Daria] What are you talking about? I find one of the Sergeants very cute. > >"I hope they'll let us have a last meal first!," shot back Daria >sarcastically. Mike: [Daria] And maybe a cigarette too... anything but a menthol. Tom: She wants *school* food? Is she nuts? Crow: Tragically, they were denied their last meal, and were all shot in the gut and died horribly. The end. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >At Ms. Li's office, everyone was given the opportunity to tell their >side of the story. Mike: They even submitted essays for it. > Jeffy, Jamie and Joey started by saying that David >had been bothering them by trying to hit up on Quinn. Tom: So it was just NATURAL that their response would be a beating? > David tried to >defend himself, but was silenced by Ms. Li. Crow: [Ms. Li] That Cone of Silence really comes in handy. > Daria and Jane then told >their side of the story, but to no avail it seemed. David was not even >given a chance to speak on his behalf. > Crow: Which contradicted the sentence "everyone was given the opportunity..." Tom: Brokedown Palace 2: Back to School. >"Well, I have reached a decision," Ms. Li said. Mike: [Ms. Li] Fries instead of the baked potato. As for you little snots, get the heck out of my office, alla yez! > "Ms. Morgendorffer, >Ms. Lane, Tom: [Ms. Li] Didn't you graduate three years ago? Why are you still here? > you will serve one period of detention during your scheduled >study hall for the next week. As for you, Mr. MacAllister, you will >serve two periods of detention over the next two weeks." > Crow: So popularity equals trustworthiness, Mike? Mike: Actually, it does. >"That's unfair, Ms. Li!," shot back David, Tom: Well, shooting at her won't help. > "I was the one who was >wronged! Why do I get the stiffest sentence Tom: Braggart. > while those who picked on >me are getting off scot free? Mike: It's called bureaucracy, kid. Deal with it. > You're doing this to me because I'm in >Special Education!" > Tom: Is it possible...?! Mike: A principal that has no knowledge of the ADA?! Crow: What's next, she's going to deny Title IX? >"Question my authority again and I'll give you a one week >suspension!," yelled Ms. Li. > Tom: [Cartman] Respect mah authori-tah! >"Ms. Li," Daria said, "David has a point. Mike: [Ms. Li] Do YOU want a one-week suspension? Tom: She questions authority! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ > You're discriminating >against David because he has a disability that impairs his ability to >learn. Tom: [Ms. Li] Actually, I'm discriminating against anyone affiliated with you, Daria. That's a totally different thing! > There are anti-discrimination laws in this nation, you know." > Crow: Guerin-ism #445: Have at least one character completely disregard the American Constitution or any federal or state law, just for the heck of it! Tom: [Ms. Li] HA! That's a laugh! Next you're going to tell me I can't keep using Cuban slave labor instead of hiring a janitorial staff! >"Ms. Morgendorffer," Ms. Li began, "the one thing you have to learn is >that life is grossly unfair. Crow: [Daria] Hey, you're talkin' to the girl whose show gets bumped for every "Road Rules" and "Jackass" marathon - don't tell *me* life's unfair! > My decision stands! I expect you, Ms. >Lane and Mr. MacAllister to be in the detention room at fifth period. >That is all." With a wave of her hand, she ordered the students out of >her office. Tom: Ms. Li: Jedi Master. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Word of what happened spread like wildfire. Mike: And "Grease" was that word. > When Daria and Quinn >arrived at their home, Quinn couldn't resist blabbermouthing it to >their parents. > Tom: The Morgendorffers were shocked as her lips puffed up with several pounds of whale blubber... Mike: Wrong spelling. Tom: I'm justified. "Blabbermouthing" isn't an actual word. Crow: And "blubbermouthing" is? Tom: Silence! >"Hi, girls!," Jake chirped, [All make more birdie noises.] Tom: It's nice to see a mixed species marriage working so well. > "How was your first day back in school?" > Tom: [Daria] Oh, the usual, daddy. Did some schoolwork, made a few sarcastic remarks, kicked someone's crotch... Crow: [Jake] That's nice, Daria. And you, Quinn? >"Daria got into a fight and wound up in big trouble," Quinn said. > Mike: She's got to prop up the saw table in shop class for the rest of the semester. >"You little rat!," Daria said, Crow: I smell a big ditzy rat... > smacking Quinn in the back. "I wanted >to tell them myself!" > Tom: This random act of senseless violence and name-calling only serves to paint Daria as the more mature party in front of her parents, of course. >"Daria!," Helen shrieked. "How could you?" > Crow: [Daria] I bunched my fist up and thrust it into the guy's face. Pretty simple, really. >"Mom, Dad," Daria began to say, Tom: Then from there went into a ranting of biblical proportions! > "There was a new boy who's in Special >Education, and Quinn's admirers were beating him up. Crow: They couldn't stand seeing anybody more pathetic than them. > Jane and I >stopped him." > Tom: No, they stopped the attackers, not the new boy. She can't even get it right. >Jake took a good look at Daria. Mike: [Jake] Did anyone ever tell you that you look cute without your glasses? > "Where are your glasses?," he >demanded. > Mike: Why, he's right! Tom: It's a subtle thing, though. Don't feel bad for missing it. >Daria took the broken eyeglasses out of her backpack. "They got broken >when I was stopping the fight," she said. > Crow: Then how could she see all day? She needs those glasses! Mike: I bet we missed reading about a wacky, Mr. Magoo type escapade involving Daria. >Suddenly, the doorbell rang. > Tom: A shot rang out! Crow: A maid screamed! Mike: A pirate ship appeared on the horizon! >"I'll get it," Helen said. > Mike: [Helen] Oh, a landshark! Quinn! It's for you! >When she opened the door, there stood David, along with a woman with >black curly hair and a tall, portly gentleman with brown hair and a >mustache. > Crow: David's parents are Julia Louis Dreyfuss and Martin Mull? >"Mrs. Morgendorffer," said the gentleman, "I'm Warren MacAllister, >David's father. Mike: [Warren] You might recognize me from such memorable fanfics such as... no wait, this is my only fanfic. Curses! > This is his mother, Deanna MacAllister. Tom: [Warren] She said she sensed strong emotions here. > David here >said you oldest daughter saved him from some bullies." > Crow: How did David know Daria was in a family of more than one daughter? Tom: I'm wondering how they got her address. >Daria couldn't resist smiling to herself at that moment. > All: o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Well, er, well I guess she did," Helen finally admitted. > >"Daria said that you're a very good lawyer," Mr. MacAllister >continued. Crow: I take it detention was one big "get-to-know-you" session. > "I was hoping you'd represent us when we file suit >against the parents of those boys who beat up our son." > Tom: Ah yes, the American way of life - sue sue SUE! >Helen was dumbstruck. > Crow: [Helen] I could be the next Johnny Cochrane! >"Oh, look there!," David said, "There's Daria's sister, Quinn!" > Mike: [David] Can I French kiss her too? >Quinn shrieked in embarrassment and ran upstairs. > Tom: Quinn doesn't want to admit her forbidden love for the special ed student... >"I can't stand geeks!," Quinn yelled as she shot out of sight. > Crow: Geekphobia is a tragic condition brought about by environmental factors... and it could happen to *you*! >"Why don't you come in?," Jake said, trying to cover the awkward >moment. Mike: At that point, the moment decided to stop practicing yoga, even if it was more interesting than the fanfic. > They did. > Tom: [Jake, sotto voce] I was hoping we could brush them off lightly. Thanks a lot, Quinn! >"I'm glad you raised your daughter to stand up for those who can't >defend themselves," Mrs. MacAllister said to Helen. Mike: [Helen] I raised my daughter? Oh, kidding, Daria! Kidding! > "David here has >been picked on a lot at every school he's been." > Crow: [Deanna] Even Vassar! >"What exactly is wrong with him?," Helen asked. > Tom: [Deanna, sarcastically] Well, according to your other daughter, he's a "geek". Hope that won't be a problem. Mike: So, they assume it's HIS problem, and not, say, the bullies? >"He's got what is called 'Attention Deficit Disorder,' or 'ADD' for >short," Tom: Ah. "Ferret Shock Syndrome." > Mrs. MacAllister continued; "It's that mental condition where >you suffer limited attention spans, Mike: Typical MTV viewer. > you don't comprehend directions >clearly, Crow: Typical male. > and sometimes you go into rather violent temper tantrums. Tom: Typical Mike Tyson. >We've got David on Ritalin, which has helped him somewhat. Crow: [Deanna] Especially with the money he gets from selling it to speed addicts. Mike: Yes, let's get *all* our kids doped up! > Because >everyone picks on him and because of his condition, he doesn't have >many friends." > Mike: Actually, that sounds more like ADHD, but I'm no expert. >Mrs. MacAllister went on, "What tears me is that David told me that >students like him are warehoused into one wing of the school and have >to stay there the whole day. Tom: Where we pass the savings along to *you*! > That's about as bad as the days where >African-Americans had to use separate bathrooms." > Tom: I'm trying to wrap my dome around that analogy, but it's just not working. Crow: Guerin-ism #798: Give everyone a history lesson over and over. >"Well," Helen said, "you could file a complaint with the Board of >Education or with the State Department of Education." > Tom: [Helen] Because it's an Education problem, you see. >"What good will that do?," Mr. MacAllister said. Mike: [Warren] Good-for-nothing bureaucrats can't tell the difference between a complaint and a compliment! > "They usually turn a >deaf ear to us. Crow: [shouting] DID HE SAY THEY BURN THE TOUGH PIER? Mike: [shouting] HUH? HOW WOULD THEY EARN ANY DUFF BEER! Tom: [shouting] WHAT'S THAT ABOUT ERNIE, CHUCK AND BEEZ? > Students like David are the low man on the totem >pole." > Tom: Special Ed students of the world UNITE! Crow: Guerin-ism #199: Politicians that are not main characters do diddly-squat, even in situations that require them to at least say something. >"Well," David said, "I'm going to change that." > Mike: [David] I'll need a string and a picture of Jessica Simpson! >"How?," Daria said. > Crow: [David] I'm going to build my own totem pole! And I'll sit at the very, very top! >"I heard during the morning announcements that there's a vacancy for >Student Government President. Mike: Well, there *was*, but since Al Haig seized control... > I figured that if someone like me was on >Student Government, Special Education students would have a voice in >student affairs that they don't have now. Tomorrow, I'm going to >announce my intention to run for that vacancy. Tom: On the Reform Party ticket. Mike: If a furniture stealing hick from Arkansas can get elected, there's nothing stopping Dave. > It's time people like >me stood up against those bullies who keep picking on us!" > Mike: David MacAllister for President! He'll get things done! Eventually! >Daria and the others were speechless. > Crow: Sadly, that wouldn't last. Tom: [Daria] Wow, he really is mental! >"David, are you serious?," Daria finally found the nerve to say. > Mike: [David] Sure! I even made a chant! "Go me go!" Well, it's in its early stages. >"I thought about this since this morning," David said. Tom: This campaign's got a long and noble history, indeed! Mike: According to my calculations, that's right about when he was putting his kidney back in. > "For too long >people like me have been persecuted because we're 'different' from >normal people. Crow: This is starting to sound like something out of "Revenge of the Nerds". Mike: Or the X-Men. > If we have someone like me on Student Government they'd >pay more attention to us. Mike: Just like people listen to Bob Dornan because he was elected. > From what I've heard from my fellow Special >Education students, the wing of the school that they call 'The >Ghetto' has been ignored for years. Tom: Get it? GET IT? Mike: Actually, nowadays schools spend more per student on special education kids than any others. These are the kids who don't do well in regular classes, so reintegrating them might not solve their problems. Crow: Um, Mike, it might be a good idea to cut down on the social commentary. >I've also heard horror stories about students like me getting beaten >up and threatened. Tom: It's not something that should be told at a campfire, lemme tell ya. > Do you know that no Special Education homeroom has >a representative on the House of Homeroom Representatives Mike: With its speaker, Skippy Gingrich. > or a member >on the Student Senate, Tom: [David] Or become a staff member of the White Chalkboard House? > or that the self-contained Special Education >students don't have the right to vote Mike: As with the other students because they're too young? > since technically they spend all >their time in one classroom and don't go to social studies class, >since you vote during that class?" > Mike: [Daria] Um, everything except the bit about the Senate. Now *that's* unfair! Tom: Okay, wait - wasn't he actually going to *another class* when he had his little dust-up with the Goonies? Crow: And not to be derogatory, but shouldn't he be working for institutional change, rather than altering one school? >Daria knew how Student Government worked in Lawndale. Tom: And in a moment or two, so shall we... > The Executive >Cabinet had the President, Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer and >Historian. Tom: Secretary of the Interior... Mike: Postmaster General... Crow: Illustrious Potentate... > The School Congress was bicameral. Crow: Meaning that they only had two cameras in their storage department. > Its upper house was the >Student Senate. Mike: Or, if we go by the British parliamentary system, the House of Students. > Each class (which, of course, had its own President, >Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer and Historian) Crow: Majority Leader... Tom: Chief Justice... Mike: Plus the Sun Jerk from "Misery Moosery Mammary Mongo". > had to send five >members selected by their class officers. Crow: Next they'll say it's important to have party affiliations. > The lower house was called >the House of Homeroom Representatives; Mike: It got flooded every spring. > each homeroom had to send one >representative so that he or she could report on Student Government >activities as well as debate on matters. Tom: Not to mention the Select Standing Committee on Graft. > The approval of both houses >was needed as well as the President's signature for all Student >Government actions. Mike: The President will also have to go on foreign trips to other schools to bring peace in the region. Tom: Yeah, I heard that after the great Lawndale/Highland football game there was bad blood between the two. Real shame. > There was even a Student's Court, Crow: Only instead of the "Nine Old Men", they've got the original cast of "21 Jump Street". > which was >designed as a "release valve" for student discontent over minor >matters that the administration deemed as not being of any >disciplinary consequence. Tom: Today! On "The Student's Court"! He says he took his lunch money. He said he was borrowing. Who's right? We'll find out in a moment! > Both parties had to agree to be bound by the >court's decisions, Crow: Then their pictures are taken by court photographer Robert Mapplethrope. > though matters of more grave concern could be >investigated by the administration if warranted. Mike: Gallant creates several offices so that the students can be introduced to the world of politics. Goofus creates a system that the Ancient Chinese would have considered to be overly bureaucratic. > The whole convoluted >system was Ms. Li's idea, Tom: Plus maybe just a little input from those Founding Father and Athenian Greek and Iroquois Confederacy guys, perhaps. > since, as she put it herself, "best mirrored >the working of our great democratic government." > Tom: So the Student Council's nothing more than a mirror of the US Government? Mike: I think they went too far when they authorized the sale of 300 Sophomore Class candy bars to Taiwan. Crow: It's like a mini-Washington... and it's too big to do any real good. >"Frankly, David," Daria said, "I wasn't aware of that." > Crow: Huh? Of which part? Tom: I lost track. Wanna go back and read it again? Crow: NO! I mean, why spoil one of life's last great mysteries? >"Then, don't you agree," David said, "it's time to change this?" > Mike: No, it's Mime Time. >"David, I don't want to burst your bubble," Daria said, Tom: [Daria] But POLITICS? Booooring! > "but this is a >classic 'David versus Goliath' confrontation you're setting yourself >up for. Mike: Yes, for millennia, the tragic fate of David has served as a harsh object lesson to those who would dare to challenge superior force. > First, in order to run, you have to file a petition, which >must have at least enough signatures equivalent to ten percent of the >entire student body. Tom: [David] We could say it's a petition to bring back a Los Angeles NFL team. Mike: [Warren] No deceptions! Tom: [David] Awww... > Right now, we have about 2500 students at >Lawndale High, and you're not well-known. Finding 250 people to sign >your petition will be an uphill battle. Tom: [David] I'll... Mike: [Warren] No threats! Tom: [David] Awww... > Then you'll have to put up >posters, engage in debates, make speeches, and so forth. Crow: And if something takes a lot of work, it's not worth doing! > Then, there's >the elections, and if you're lucky, you might get a couple of votes." > Mike: All for an essentially figurehead position. It *is* like American politics! Tom: Yeah, about the same number of people know the issues they're voting for... >"What are you saying?," David said. > Crow: I don't see what the problem is. It's not like he'll seem too sharp for the job. >"I don't want to break your heart," Tom: [Daria] But it's what I do best. > Daria said, " but Student >Government elections are noting but popularity contests, just like the >real-life political elections. Mike: Which is why we always have such alluring, personable candidates. Crow: Yeah, like Mr. Excitement, Mushmouth, and The Big Spoiler. > Do you notice they never focus on the >real issues in these elections? Crow: [Daria] Like the asbestos in the locker room that's directly linked to Kevin's decreasing intelligence? > They're going to want to choose >someone like Sandi or Brittany rather than someone like yourself." > Mike: In other words, someone who bounces perkily. Crow: This is obvious, but is mitigated by the fact that for Student Government there really aren't many issues a president can actually change. At least not unilaterally. >"That just proves how unfair the system is to people like me," David >shot back. Tom: Elect the unpopular now! > "If I'm elected, Tom: ...which won't happen because the system is unfair to people like you? Crow: I'm lost. Maybe if you drew us a diagram? > I'll change things for people like me. The >reason why I'm over here is because I wanted to ask you to be my >campaign manager." > Mike: [David] I don't care about finding someone who's more credible for the job! I'll just pick the Misery Chick here! >Daria sat there with her mouth open. Then her tongue stuck out in >shock. > All: ACK-PHHHHHHHT!!! >"Daria, that's a good impersonation of Michael Jordan you're doing >there," Jake said. > Mike: Yeah, I can - the hey?!? Tom: Well, I'm sure Air's stuck his tongue out. At some point. I guess. >"Jake, shut up!," said Helen. > Mike: Standard Jake reply in one... two... three... >"Yes, dear," replied Jake meekly. > Tom: I don't get it. Crow: Don't try. It hurts enough as it is. >"David," Daria said as she regained her composure, "I don't really >know you, and you're asking me to be your campaign manager?" > Crow: Well, she *is* cuter than James Carville. Mike: Yeah, and he can tell Daria knows when to "go negative". Tom: She runs someone's campaign! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Daria," David said, "you're the only one who can stand up to those >bullies. Crow: Then ask her to be a bodyguard! Sheesh... Mike: Yes, your reward for saving him from persecution is exposing both of you to even further harassment. > You've just got to be my campaign manager, please?" > Mike: Oh, he's so adorable when he whines! >"Daria," Helen said, "I think you owe it to him, since you did save >him from those bullies." > Tom: Wait, if SHE saved DAVID, then doesn't HE owe HER? Crow: [Daria] Mom, I'm not all that sure you really grasp the concept of karmic balance. Tom: But, but... Mike: Tom, remember our little talk about fanfic logic last week? Tom: "There is no place for logical thinking in fanfiction." Yeah, I remember... >"C'mon, Daria," Jake added, "it'll probably be a fun experience." > Tom: Just don't ask to see his cigar! >"OK, OK," Daria finally relented, "I'll be David's campaign manager." > Crow: [Daria] And I'll do his Math homework as an added bonus, what the hey... >"Oh, thank you, Daria," David said, going up to her and giving her a >big hug that shocked her. > Mike: Warning: Special Education students are more electrically charged than they appear. >"I can't breathe!," Daria gasped. > Crow: She's starting to look like one of those stress dolls. >David recoiled and said, "OOPS! Sorry!" > Crow: [David] Geez, so I can't French kiss, I can't hug... what CAN I do, then? >"Anyway," Helen said, "here's my card." She gave her business card to >Mr. MacAllister. Tom: [Helen] You use it to get out of jail free instead of losing a turn or having to roll a die. > "Call me tomorrow and we'll discuss your case." > Tom: [Helen] You'll have to wait till afternoon - I've got a 10 AM with Eminem's mother. Plus, I'm sure discussing it here, while we're all together, is a bad idea. >"We will," said Mr. MacAllister. He then turned to Daria and >said ,"Young lady, you are doing a very brave and very noble thing >here." > Crow: Being a campaign manager for an aspiring politician is very brave and noble? >"Then why do I have this creepy feeling that I will live to regret >it?," Daria replied. > Tom: [Helen] You *always* have that feeling, dear. Crow: [Daria] And I'm always right, aren't I? Mike: She's probably just connecting with the audience. >Mr. MacAllister responded, "Don't you doubt yourself. You will do >well. Tom: [Warren] I should know, I'm a political analyst for the New York Times. > Now, we'd better be going. It was nice meeting all of you." > Mike: Except Quinn, who thought he was Greek. Crow: You mean a geek? Mike: Uh, yeah. >Everyone exchanged farewells. Mike: I'll give two "goodbyes" for a "smell you later". Crow: What about a "ciao" for a "catch you on the flipside"? > The MacAllisters left the house. Quinn >came back down. > Tom: [Quinn] Have Fran Drescher, Alex Karras and Kevin Mitnick left, mommy? >"You missed all the fun," Daria said to Quinn sarcastically. > Crow: I dunno. Sitting in a room by yourself is pretty fun... >"What do you mean?," Quinn asked. > Mike: [Daria] We played Parcheesi and had hot toddies. It was a blast. >"I'm going to be David MacAllister's campaign manager for his run for >Student Government President," replied Daria. > Crow: [Quinn] Suuure. And I'm the Secretary of Defense. >"Lots of luck," sneered Quinn; "he's got as much chance at winning >that like the U. S. Soccer Team has at winning the World Cup: None!" > Crow: I don't know, that Mia Hamm's pretty good. Tom: But, but they DID win the World Cup! Mike: Tom? Logic... Tom: I know, I know... >"Quinn, you know it was your admirers who beat up David. You let Jane, >David and me take the rap for it. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" > Tom: [Quinn] Huh? They were beating up someone? I was too busy being admired by other admirers to notice. >"Nope," shot back Quinn. Mike: With so much shooting, you think they would conserve ammunition and just pistol-whip their responses. > "I'll be enjoying myself in study hall while >you're in detention!" With that, she dashed back to her room. > Tom: She's categorizing her boy band CDs based on who's the cutest. Crow: Yeesh... Quinn's not that bad in the actual show, is she? Mike: No. >"I think I'll watch 'Sick Sad World' and see people more depraved than >Quinn," Crow: People more depraved than somebody enjoying herself in study hall? They'd never get that on the air! > Daria said to herself; "I need a good laugh." Mike: As do we all. Tom: Let's see if we can find one outside. [Mike picks up Tom, and the trio exits the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The bridge doors open to reveal Mike busily assembling something on the counter. Tom and Crow enter moments later.] Tom: ...they come back from commercial, and Kid Rock and Pamela Lee are in the booth. So, the announcers invite them to do some play by play on the game. Crow: Good lord. Were they drunk? Tom: Kid Rock? Probably. I'm not sure about the announcers. Crow: Either. Hey Mike. Mike: Hey guys. Tom: So, the Dodgers are at the plate and Kid Rock starts... [The pair of robots halt abruptly. They slowly turn around and walk back towards Mike.] Crow: Mike? What are you doing? Mike: I'm just building another robot. Tom: Oh. [pause] AHHHHH!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! [The two bots dive out of view.] Mike: Relax, guys. I'm sure this one won't malfunction and try and kill everyone. [softly] Unlike the last few. Crow: [poking his head back into view] Are you sure? Mike: Yeah. Reasonably sure. Crow: I guess that I'll take your word for it. What the heck. I haven't risked my life in ten or twelve minutes now. Tom: [O.S.] Your funeral, Crow. I'll be in my room. With my doors locked. And barricaded. And with traps set. Mike: Sure Tom. You do that. [to Crow] You see, Crow, I wanted to test a hypothesis from today's story. See, in a lot of stories, whenever a new character is introduced, they're instantly accepted by the rest of the cast and usually fall head over heels in love with someone... Crow: Just like in today's story. Mike: Right! [Mike attaches a head to the robot.] Mike: So, I've built Scooter here... Crow: Scooter? Mike: The Muppet Show was on while I was building him. Crow: Ah. Mike: Anyway, Scooter here will help demonstrate the veracity of this theory. And here we go... [Mike steps back and gestures at Scooter with a flourish. Moments pass. Then moments more. Crow looks around the bridge.] Crow: I don't think that anything's happening. Mike: Maybe it just needs more time. [They wait.] Mike: I guess that's enough time. So, have you accepted Scooter as a member of our crew yet? Crow: No. I still kinda think it looks like a brightly colored paperweight. Mike: Oh. Well, maybe the love thing comes first. Hey, Gyps? Can you come in here? [Gypsy enters.] Gypsy: Whatcha want, Mike? Mike: Hey! Look at this! [Mike gestures at Scooter.] Gypsy: Nice, Mike. Look, "Samurai Jack" is on, so I'll leave you and the fire extinguisher/lava lamp thing alone, 'kay? [Gypsy exits.] Mike: Huh. Crow: I guess the theory is wrong. Mike: I guess. [Mike leans in and stares intensely at Scooter. Then he stands up and grins sheepishly.] Mike: Whoops. Crow: Whoops? Mike: Forgot to turn him on. [Mike reaches behind Scooter and flips a switch. Scooter flares to life.] Scooter: ACTIVATING... [Scooter begins to flail his arms around wildly.] Scooter: CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! [Scooter quickly charges off screen. The sounds of mass destruction follow from off screen.] Crow: Whoops. Mike: Whoops. Back to the drawing board. Crow: Yep. [The sound of tearing metal is heard from off screen.] Tom: [O.S.] AHHHHH!!!!!! Crow: Wow. It tore through that barricade like it wasn't even there. Mike: At least I build them well. [The signal light on the console begins to flash. More crashes can be heard off screen.] Tom: [O.S.] GET AWAY FROM THOSE! AHHH!!!! MY RODDY MCDOWELL COMMEMORATIVE BRIEFS!!! Mike: I suppose I oughta hit the Guerin sign. Crow: Might as well. [Mike shrugs and taps the lights. The door sequence begins as the sounds of destruction are heard in the background.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Crow and Mike enter and sit. Tom enters after a moment. Mike helps him to his seat.] Crow: So, did you meet Scooter? Tom: Shut up. Mike: Did he do much damage? Tom: No, thankfully, I had that flamethrower. It took care of him. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 2: Our Man On the Campaign Trail Crow: It's Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing in Lawndale." >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Daria and Jane were going down the street to school the next morning. > Crow: It's like their lives haven't changed at all! >"So, how did your parents react to what happened yesterday?," Jane >asked. > Tom: [Daria] Well, dad left muttering something about disinheritance and the orphanage, so it went better than usual. >"Well," Daria began, "after the MacAllisters paid a surprise visit to >us, Mike: [Daria] By the way, were you the one who gave David my address? > Mom and Dad said I did the right thing and that Mom's going to >fight the detention that you, David and me got. Crow: [Daria] I hope you've got the $10,000 to cover her retainer. Mike: Of course, by the time the suit makes its way through court, Daria'll be in grad school. > Not only that, David >wants me to be his campaign manager for his bid to become Student >Government President." > >"You're kidding!," Jane said in shock. > Mike: [Jane] I thought he was hiring Dick Morris! >"Nope, I'm afraid not," Daria said. > >"You know, I think he's developing a crush on you," Jane said. > Crow: You think the French kiss tipped her off? >"Jane," Daria shot back, "you know I'm in love with Trent!" > Crow: I wonder where Tom Sloan is? Mike: He probably slipped Pete a twenty to keep him out of this story. >"So, I'm madly in love with Jesse," Jane said, "but I love a lot of >other guys as well." > Tom: [Jane] Come on, try having affairs with several people! It's really neat! Crow: [Jane] And that doesn't even include all of the girls! Woo! >When they got to the grounds of the school, they were surprised to see >David standing on top of a cardboard box, Mike: Seems kind of flimsy. I miss the good old days of soap boxes. Tom: Don't we all. But don't you see - they're silencing us! It's all part of the *conspiracy!* Crow: I kind of doubt we'll see an X-Files crossover now, Tom. Hey, we probably won't even see the Lone Gunmen. > with a knot of other Special >Education students huddled around him. > Tom: [David] Step right up, folks! Step right up and take your guess at where the ball is! One signature on my petition for a play! Step right up here! Mike: Poor kid... can't even afford a real soapbox... *sniff* >"What's this all about?," Daria said to Jane. > Mike: Looks like David is setting up things alright without the aid of his campaign manager, hmmm? >"Who knows," Jane replied, "but when I went on my morning run, I did >notice he was setting something up." > Tom: It took a long, long time to get that cardboard box positioned *just* right. >They drew nearer, and then saw what was happening: David was giving a >speech announcing that he was throwing his hat into the ring. > Mike: Eddie Rickenbacker would be proud. >"My fellow Special Education students," he began, Tom: [David] Lend me your Ritalin! > "we have endured the >yoke of bondage for far too long. Crow: [David] I am sick of being cast in Madonna videos! > We have been herded into the >'Ghetto' and kept segregated from the rest of the school against our >will. Tom: [random student] Against our will? I thought this was part of our normal schedule! What gives? > The other students keep picking on us. Mike: So ending the separation just gives them a better shot. > The administration keeps >turning a deaf ear to our pleas. Tom: [David] If I'm elected, *I'll* be the one turning that deaf ear! > When trouble occurs, we get blamed >for it and then get stiffer punishments than if it was done by the >normal students. Crow: [David] If I'm elected, I'll give stiffer punishments to the normal students! HA! > My friends, it's time to end this prejudice. Mike: [David] I mean, c'mon! It's already a quarter past ten! >Therefore, I've decided to enter the race for Student Government >President. Crow: [David] Before you start snickering, listen for a moment... > If I'm elected, I will push to have Special Education >students have permanent representation in Student Government so we can >finally have a meaningful voice in school affairs. Tom: The same way Miss America has a say in foreign policy. > Once we have that >voice, we will no longer be ignored by the rest of the school. Tom: [David] No matter how stupid our demands will be! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! >Therefore, I want all of you to sign my petition. Crow: [David] It's to get the Game Show Network added to basic cable. > I need at least 250 >signatures so I can submit it to the general office by the deadline >this Friday. Mike: [David] Of course, I need 1,000 to get on the ballot, but hey, you have to walk before you can run! > We can make a difference! Join me in my noble crusade!" > Crow: Unfortunately, David was being literal, and six weeks later the Lawndale High Students found themselves in the Holy Land, facing down Saladin's army. >There was thunderous applause. Then the students began lining up to >sign the petition. > Tom: [David] That's it... that's all you have to sign... that and your SOUL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! >David saw Daria and Jane. > Crow: He was instantly jealous. Tom: Don't make this a slash fic, Crow. Please. >"Ladies and gentlemen, please meet my campaign manager, Daria >Morgendorffer!," he said. They surrounded her and Jane. > Crow: [chanting] Gooble gobble, gooble gobble, one of us, one of us! Tom: She's surrounded by political activists! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Oh, boy, we're in for it now!," Jane said. > Mike: No doubt they all wanna French kiss Daria. >Suddenly, Quinn and the rest of the Fashion Club arrived, with Sandi, >the club president, leading the way. > Crow: It's Sandi Rock and the Fashion-Happy Heathers of Easy Company! >"Oh, look at all those loser retarts!," Sandi said. > Mike: o/~ Where do they all come from? All the loser retarts. Where do they all belong? o/~ >"And who's the guy with them?," Stacy, the club secretary said. > Tom: [Quinn] It looks like Ken Griffey, Jr. But why? >"That's that David MacAllister geek, the one who's running for Student >Government President," Quinn replied. > Mike: [Quinn] He claims to have invented the internet. >"I'll handle this, Quinn!," Sandi said. She approached the crowd. > Tom: [Sandi] Watch me alienate a part of the school with one single laugh! >"Hey, listen up, you dumb retarts," Sandi began, "you're just wasting >your time! David MacAllister is not going to win. And you want to know >why? Mike: [Sandi] Because he doesn't go to this school! He's supposed to be over at McKinley! > Because I'm going to win! I'm also going to enter the race for >Student Government President." > Crow: Yeah, because we all know how popular mean-spirited fashion snobs are. Tom: [Sandi] So tell your friends to vote for me, losers! >Some of the Special Education students began to cower; Crow: For they had seen Sandi's Nazgul hordes approaching. > others were >angry that she used the word "retart". > Mike: For even they knew the correct spelling and pronunciation of the word. Tom: Still others were upset that the promised crossover story with "Charmed" hadn't materialized. >"Do not be afraid of her," David said, "for we have God, might and >right on our side!" > Crow: They're supported by Clapton, Evander Holyfield, and Rush Limbaugh? >"Like, what will all that do for you?," Sandi replied, Tom: You get the moral high ground. Crow: You can move heavy things. Mike: Plus, if someone bugs you, you can have 'em smited with a plague of frogs. > "I've got good >looks, popularity and good fashion sense on my side. Crow: So in other words, she'll be trailed by geeky boys. Mike: She'll have lots of fake, shallow hangers-on. Tom: And she'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe every four weeks. > So long, losers!" Tom: [Sandi] And remember, vote for me! Oh wait, you can't vote. Never mind. > >The Fashion Club left without any further comment. > Mike: For they'd lost their remaining pages of dialogue. >"That Sandi has hit a new low," Daria said in dismay. > Crow: She's still nicer than McCain though. >"If she was any more stuck-up, we'd have to use Draino on her," Jane >replied. > Tom: So she's all hair and gunk? Crow: Actually, that's pretty close. >"I'm afraid not even that would change her personality," said Daria >resignedly. > Mike: It might kill her, though. >They now approached David. > Tom: [quietly] They must be careful not to startle the young cub, lest it go into its fearsome whimper mode of attack... Crow: Is this a story or a play-by-play commentary? >"I have to admit," Daria said, "that was pretty brave of you standing >up to Sandi and the rest of the Fashion Club like you did." > Mike: [David] Hey, this calls for a French kiss! >"It won't be the last time I'll run into opposition like that during >this campaign," David confessed. Tom: Bless me, Father Daria. > "I'm probably going to get a lot of >grief before this is over." > Crow: It's an election, Charlie Brown! Tom: Good grief! Mike: Ooh! Foreshadowing! >They now headed into the school building. Just how much grief David >was going to face was not yet known, but would soon manifest itself >rather brutally. Mike: Yes, soon the grief that was not yet known to be existing would be found available there for all of them. Crow: Oh, sure - kill the suspense! Tom: But at least we've got brutality to look forward to! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >According to the campaign rules, candidates had to have a table set up >and ask for people to sign their nominating petition during their free >time. Tom: Wandering the halls aimlessly and throwing yourself at random passersby was no longer allowed. Crow: Boy! All it takes is one irresponsible person to screw it up for the rest of us! > Of course, having been hit with detention, David was not going >to have any free time. Tom: Even before or after school? How about lunch? > However, that was about to change. > Mike: Bwahahahahaha? >Daria, David and Jane all had second period free. Tom: But - but - but he just said... Crow: You're obsessing again, Tom. Tom: But he contradicted himself within *two* *frigging* *sentences*!!! He can't - how - why... Mike: Don't do it, honey - just relax and breathe deeply, okay? > They both had two >free periods this day, but David had to use up both of his for his >detention time, while Daria and Jane had to use only one. Tom: ==INTENSE== **SCHEDULING** ##INACTION##! Crow: They can decide which period to take the detention? What? > They decided >to use the earlier of the two so that at least they could begin to get >some signatures going for David. > Mike: David MacAllister for President! He may be serving time, but who isn't nowadays? >The three of them were going to the detention room when they saw a >rather unusual sight. Crow: Why is Kevin running around in his underwear? Tom: Must be the beginning of the football season. > Ms. Li was standing at the door, with what >looked like a bailiff from the City Court presenting papers to her. > Crow: Richard Moll makes a very special guest appearance. >"Ms. Li," the bailiff said, "I have here a temporary injunction >against yourself and this school preventing you from carrying out the >detention against Ms. Daria Morgendorffer, Ms. Jane Lane and Mr. David >MacAllister." > [All snicker.] Tom: [Bailiff] Also, here's a court order preventing the Fashion Club from making fun of people who mix checks and stripes. >"WHAT!," Ms. Li roared; Tom: Quick! Start up 'Dark Side of the Moon'! Mike: [Bailiff, sighing] I... HAVE A... TEMPORARY... INJUNCTION... Crow: [Ms. Li] Shucks, I thought my somewhat controversial sentencing would go unnoticed! What is with this country? These stupid rules... > "On whose authority is this being done?" > Tom: MTV. >"It was so ordered by the judge at the request of the student's >attorney, Mrs. Helen Morgendorffer," said the bailiff. "If you try to >defy this injunction, you will be held in contempt of court, and you >will go to jail." > Crow: You will go directly to jail. Mike: You will *not* pass "Go". Tom: You will *not* collect $200. >"And how long will this temporary injunction last?," Ms. Li wanted to >know. > Crow: Until the fanfic is over, or until the plot spirals out of control to the point where not even the author knows what he's talking about. Whichever one comes first. >"Until the matter is decided in court," said the bailiff, now >presenting a summons to Ms. Li asking her to be in court in a civil >suit against the school for violating the civil rights of Daria, Jane >and David. Mike: Guerin-ism #501: If possible, discuss the possibility of suing someone, and, if possible, do so. > "You are also hereby summoned to appear in court in this >matter. If you do not show up, you will be held in contempt of court." > Tom: You'll also have to talk to Doug Llewllyen on your way out. >"I'm not saying another word!," Crow: Well, that's one character down... Tom: Several dozen more to go. > Ms. Li said; "I'm referring this >matter to the school district's attorney!" > Mike: Wow! She's about to bring in a nameless legal character of her own! Crow: That was 9 more words. Tom: Shh! >"As you wish," the bailiff said. Crow: Ahhh! It's the Dread Pirate Wesley! > "Have a nice day." > Tom: It's the little touches that make the bailiff so likeable. Mike: I think there must be some sick, twisted irony the cops enjoy every time they say that. >The bailiff left and Ms. Li went to the three students. > Tom: [Ms. Li] You saw the way that bailiff was looking at me! I need a witness! >"You may have won this round," Ms. Li hissed, Crow: The part of Ms. Li will be played by Kaa. > "but you haven't won the >entire fight yet! Tom: [Ali] I want Joe Frazier! I want Joe Frazier! Mike: [Daria] Hey, you're not supposed to say another word! Bailiff! > It looks like I have no choice but to suspend your >punishment until this matter is resolved. But I'll be watching you >three like a hawk!" > Mike: Then why is she hissing? Is she some sort of mutant hawk-snake? Tom: [Ms. Li] And once I have enough evidence, I'll peck your eyes out and feed you to my offspring! >With that, Ms. Li left with a huff. > Crow: Brian Huff, who was there selling sub-grade lunch meat. >"Lucky break for us," Daria said. "Perhaps this is one of the times I >should go to Mom and tell her how much I love her." > Mike: [Daria] Of course, every time I do that, she always tells me "You're not getting my Bud Light." >"Don't kid yourself, Daria," Jane said; "you're just hanging there >until you go to college." > Tom: [Daria] If you have a better idea on how I should be self- sufficient I'd like to hear it. >"Maybe you're right," Daria said, "but right now Mom's on top of my >world." > Crow: And she's looking down on creation. Tom: Well, it's the only explanation *I* can find. >"So, what are we waiting for?," David said, "Let's get the petition >drive going!" > Mike: No, please stay! I want to hear more of this scintillating conversation! >With that, the three of them decided to set up their table and get the >petitions going. Crow: As previously indicated. Mike: [tapping his watch, if he had any] I'm still waiting for something to happen. When are the Sailor Scouts going to show up? Where are the Gunsmith Cats? Beavis and Butthead? Heck, give us a crude and lame fart joke. Just... SOMETHING! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >It was now their second free period, and so far Daria, Jane and David >had only gotten twelve signatures on the petition. > Tom: Hey, impressive. I heard that's more people than who voted for Alan Keyes. >"Man, at this rate I won't get 250 signatures before the deadline!," >moaned David. > Mike: [David] Oh, why couldn't I just stick with only the lawsuit? This is more boring than a vote recount! >"Don't give up hope just yet," Jane said. > >"I bet that's what Leonardo DiCaprio's character told Kate Winslet's >just before the 'Titanic' finally went down for the last time," >sneered Daria. > Mike: And in the sequel, he and Kate meet on the Hindenberg! Crow: She dampens Jane and David's hopes! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >Just then, a boy that David knew--who had Down's Syndrome and was in >his resource class--went up to the table. > Mike: [boy] Hi, could you tell me where they're selling tickets for the high school dance next week? >"Hi, David," the boy said. > >"Hey, Andrew, what's up?," David said. > Crow: Whazzup! >"I want to sign the petition," Andrew said. > >"Sure, go right ahead," David said. > Tom: Couldn't they use another verb there? That's four in a row! >Andrew took up a pen and signed his name on the petition. > Tom: Man! The bone-blistering action just never stops! Mike: There! Now Fat George can read it without his glasses! >"Thanks a lot, Andrew," David said. "By the way, this is my campaign >manager, Daria Morgendorffer, and her friend, Jane Lane." > Tom: [David] Don't French kiss them. Or big hug them. They're not very enthusiastic. >"Nice to meet you, Daria, Jane," Andrew said. > >"Same here," Daria said. > Tom: Okay, that's seven in a row now! Stated, suggested, added, mentioned, declared! Use one! >"I'll see you later, Andrew," David said as Andrew went down the hall. > Tom: ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Crow: [Andrew] Look, I just signed the petition, I didn't ask to be included in your stupid mailing list! >Unbeknownst to anyone, some players on the Lawndale Lions football >team has seen Andrew sign the petition. Tom: Well, la-di-da about them. People see people do lots of things. > Sandi had asked them to keep >an eye on the petition tables and take any action necessary to stop >anyone who would sign David's petition. Mike: So far, they had glared at three kids, beaten four more up, bought ice cream for 18 others, and bombed Cambodia twice. > So far, they managed to scare >some Special Education students away from the petition area, and now >they were going to teach Andrew a lesson. > Crow: [grimly] A lesson ... IN TRIGONOMETRY! Mike: Wouldn't it have been more efficient if they'd stopped him from signing in the first place? >They now got up to him and surrounded him. > Crow: Beating him up won't erase his name from the petition, dickweeds. >"Hey, retart!," one hulking guy said, "did you just sign that retart >David MacAllister's petition?" > Tom: [Andrew] No, your eyes were deceiving you. It was actually my other personality, Sparky, who signed the petition... [sighing] what DID you think? >"Yes, I did," Andrew said. Mike: Would you sign ours too? We're trying to get Mayor McCheese recalled. > "Is it any of your business?" > Crow: [player] As a matter of fact, we represent Nike's Fountain Pen division, and we want to offer you an endorsement deal. >"It is to us!," said another player. "We don't retarts like you and >David on our Student Government!" > >"Maybe you're the ones with the problem and not me!," said Andrew. > Tom: [Andrew] So stick THAT in your jockstrap and burn it! >"We don't take sass from retarts like you!," said the first football >player. Tom: "Sass"? Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your Lawndale High Fighting Grandmas! > "Now we're going to teach you a lesson you won't ever forget!" > Mike: By beating him up? I don't get it. It doesn't change anything. Tom: These are bullies, Mike. They think their fist answers all of life's problems. TV's broken? BAP! Conflict with other family? WHACK! Need to crack a walnut? KA-PLOW! That's all there is to it. >They now grabbed him and began to hit him. Daria, Jane and David saw >them throw frightening punches into him. > Crow: No more friendly, endearing punches. We're escalating! Mike: Why couldn't this have been Adam Sandler instead? Tom: After a while, they realized the Judys would be more effective at frightening him into submission. >"We've got to help him!," David said. > Tom: [whimpers] Make it stop! >"We got lucky yesterday," Daria said; "We'll push our luck if we >interfere now!" > Crow: And Andrew will be disqualified and they'll retain the tag team belts! Mike: You've got those super-martial arts powers - use 'em! Tom: Come on, you know you wanna kick their crotches! >"But he's getting beaten up!," David yelled. > Crow: [Daria] *sigh* Fine, I'll go kick them in their crotches, but I'm *really* trying to cut back on this, okay?!? >Suddenly, one of the football players felt someone tap him on the >shoulder. He turned around and saw someone punch him out cold. > Tom: Proof of out-of-body experiences! Call James Randi! Mike: Boy, what a lucky time to have an out-of-body experience. Crow: Out-of-body experiences can strike without warning. >"It's not nice to pick on someone like him!," said a rather familiar >voice. > Tom: It's the Hawaiian Punch mascot! And he's out for blood!! AIIIEEE!! >Daria knew that voice rather well. Mike: It kept telling her what she did last summer. > It was none other than Andrea, the >school's Goth girl. Crow: 'Cause they only had one. > She now stepped out of the shadows and lunged >right for the others. > Tom: [football player] Run! She'll get black lipstick on us! >"C'mon, I dare you to fight me!," Andrea yelled at the others. > Mike: [Andrea] I don't have a crotch to kick, so I'll be MORE than you bargained for! >The other football players suddenly got chicken and ran away; Crow: KFC's new lunchroom drive-thru was a rousing success! > seeing >one of their own get punched out stone cold was convincing enough. > Tom: Stone Cold Andrea Austin? Mike: [random football player] She can sucker punch someone! RUN! Crow: They really need to go to those seminars Tom Cruise held in "Magnolia". >"Hey, Andrew, you all right?," Andrea said. > >"Yeah, Andrea, I'm OK," Andrew said. > Tom: "Andrew" and "Andrea"? Uh-oh. Mike: Undisclosed familial relationship off the port bow, cap'n! >Daria, Jane and David were surprised that Andrea knew this person. Crow: Andrea being the only person in school who makes Daria look like a social butterfly. >They went up to them. > Mike: They walk across the room! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Andrea, you know this person?," Daria said. > Crow: [Andrea] Yes. Are you surprised? Mike: It *is* good that they see him as a person, but they *could* use his name a little more often. >"Yeah," Andrea replied; "he's my brother." > Tom: So, do you know him or not? >"I didn't knew you had a brother," Jane said. > Mike: [Andrea] Well, until my agent met with a Mr. Guerin, neither did I. >"Well, most people don't bother to ask, since he's mostly in the >'Ghetto'," Andrea said. "I look out for him all the time." > Mike: [Andrea] Except when I'm not in the ghetto, which is most of the time. >"Funny," Daria began to think, Tom: Then she decided to stop thinking and just coast. > "Andrea's not ashamed to admit that >Andrew's her own brother while Quinn's embarrassed to acknowledge me >as her sister. What a weird world." > Tom: Yes, odd world when we try to compare apples to oranges, or the New York Rangers to the New York Yankees. Crow: Yes, odd how an unpopular kid can admit some things and a popular one can't. Who'd have thunk it? >Suddenly, a crowd had gathered. It was mainly Special Education >students from the 'Ghetto'. > Mike: And the Harlem Globetrotters were there too. Tom: Suddenly? What, did they all run in there at once? >"Are they gone, Andrea?," one of them asked. > Crow: [motherly] Don't worry, the dumb jocks won't bother you anymore! >"Yeah, the coast is clear," Andrea answered them. > Mike: [Andrea] Except for the wreck of the Argo over there, by the screaming Argonauts. Jason didn't make it, I'm afraid. >"You mean to tell me you knew this was going on?," Daria said. > >"Well, after a few students told me that there was some football >players menacing them, I decided to take some action," Andrea said; Crow: [Andrea] But not after letting my bro risk himself first! Ain't that right, bait, er, bro? >"It looks like it worked. Now you'll get your signatures, David. And, >by the way, perhaps you want to take me on as your security chief? > Tom: Yes, hulking football players will run in terror when confronted by Gilly and Walden! >"Sure, why not?," David replied. Mike: Because it's contrived and ridiculous and out of character? > They shook hands. > Tom: [David] It was either you or Jerry Doyle, but you can actually kick butt, so I'm convinced! >Now they began to line up and sign the petition. By the time the >period was over, David had about three hundred signatures, more than >enough to be placed on the ballot. Crow: Unfortunately, 285 of those came from Upchuck, who kept stopping by to hit on Daria. > Now it was a matter of handing it >in to the general office. Mike: What further diabolical ideas does Sandi have in store on their trip to the office? Tune in and find out! Crow: Besides, he's perpetuating the myth that anyone who dresses in black and listens to Marilyn Manson is a goth. Most goths are as obsessed with style as the Fashion club and they loathe Manson. Tom: And that's One To Grow On! [A star with a rainbow trailing it flashes across the screen.] Crow: Thanks Cambot! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >News of the football players' actions soon reached Mack, who was >captain of the team, as well as Kevin Thompson, the star quarterback. Tom: Soon afterwards it reached other people, such as Jackie Chan... Mike: Queen Latifah... Crow: F. Lee Bailey... Mike: Jeff Gordon... Crow: Leah Rehmini... Tom: Garrett Morris... >They, along with Kevin's girlfriend, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor, >were at the cafeteria when the word came. Crow: I feel like I'm reading the stage directions for an Ed Wood film. > Suddenly, the coach of the >team ran in, and asked for Mack and Kevin. > Mike: [Coach] Mack! Kevin! The dam has burst! Run for your lives! >"I've just heard that some of the players were seen beating up on a >Special Education student who was signing David MacAllister's petition >to run for Student Government President!," the coach said to Mack. >"Did either you or Kevin sanction this?" > Crow: [Kevin] Is that like the hunchback dude in that Disney film? He was cool! >"I'd never tell the players on my team to do any sort of hooliganism >like that!," Mack defended himself. > Mike: [Coach] What about the European match between Manchester United and Liverpool? Tom: [Mack] Uhhhh... look, I was going to drink that Molotov cocktail that slipped from my fingers. Honest! >"Gee, this is the first I'm hearing of this, Coach!," Kevin said. > Mike: [Coach] Well, I trust you completely, so I'll just rant about it some more. >"There were some eyewitnesses, and they said that they saw who did it. >It was the entire defensive backfield!," Crow: Ray Lewis, how could you? > the coach continued. "If you >didn't order them to do this, who did?" > Crow: Michael Irvin? Tom: [Kevin] It was the little men in the saucer, coach! We gotta line our helmets with tinfoil or we're doomed! >"Beats me, Coach!," Mack said. > >"I already knew who did it, I want to know who ordered it!," the coach >said; Tom: Is he sure they were ordered to do this? Mike: [Coach] My players? Free will? What's that? > "I'm already benching them for the opening game this Saturday; >I'll kick them off the team unless I know who ordered them to beat up >that kid! Mike: I take it a simple suspension is not needed in this school bureaucracy. > You're my two best players, Tom: ...which speaks volumes about the quality of Lawndale High's sports programs. > so I want you to get to the >bottom of this! Is that understood?" > Mike: [guffaw] Nice to know football prowess equals investigative acumen. Crow: This fall on NBC - "Marino and Montana - PI's"! >"Yes, Coach!," said both Mack and Kevin. > Mike: [Coach] And don't call me Chief - oh, wait, you didn't. >"Good!," the coach said; "I want the name of that person by the end of >the day Friday, or there will be no defensive backfield at Saturday's >game!" Crow: [Coach] I'm sure the other team will be happy to play without their backfield, too. After all, fair's fair, right? > The coach then left. > Mike: Having fulfilled his plot-advancing duties. Tom: The coach was quickly fired and replaced by someone more committed to the game. >Brittany now approached Mack and Kevin, staring into space and >twirling her hair. > Crow: [Kevin] Oh, great. She's channeling again. Mack, get ready to meet Xanthar. >"Oh, Kevin!," Brittany said, "What was that all about?" > Tom: [Kevin] You saw nothing! Nothing, I tells ya! Crow: [Brittany] But there's this big, bone shaped thing hovering above us! >"Apparently, someone told the defensive backfield to beat up on some >Special Education student who signed David MacAllister's petition to >run for Student Government President!," Kevin replied. > Mike: I'm betting it was Pat Buchanan. Crow: Wow! He remembered all that for a record time! Tom: I think we're all rather proud of our Kevvy right now. >"Now the coach wants to know who ordered them to do it, or they'll be >kicked off the team!," Mack added. > Tom: [Mack] Which means we forfeit the game. Woo hoo! Free time off! >"Oh, that poor David boy!," Brittany squealed; Mike: Actually it was Andrew who was beaten up. > "What exactly is wrong >with him?" > Tom: He's just badly written. >"Gee, I wish I knew, Cupcake!," Kevin said. > Tom: He's talking to pastries now? Crow: Next he'll be talking to pizza dough. >"It's because of ignorance like that is why people like David get >persecuted," Mack said. "My father told me about how my grandfather >had to fight racial prejudice in his day. He fought long and he fought >hard, but he began to change those attitudes. Crow; [Mack] And in 1997, he finally succeeded. Tom: Now are you gonna start being more loving and tolerant, or do I hafta muss you up some more? > Prejudice against the >mentally challenged like David is kind of the same way. All David is >asking for is a chance to be a part of society, to be treated like a >human being." > Crow: Why, David, why? Humans don't get very good treatment. Tom: Yeah, they get knocked down, talked about, spat on, and generally shafted. David should want to be a bot like us! >"Well, Mack," Kevin said, "we do treat you and Jodie pretty well. You >know we don't have a prejudiced bone in us." > Mike: [Kevin] Not since the operation, anyway. >"Yeah, then why do you and the others treat people like Daria and Jane >the way you do?," Mack found himself saying. > Mike: [Kevin] Because they're pawns of the bourgeois running dog elites. Duh, Mack Daddy. >"Well, er, um," Kevin was fumbling to himself. > Mike: Still, better that than someone else recovering the fumble. >"Well, it because Daria and Jane are both geeks and are too smart for >their own good!," shot in Brittany. > Crow: Ah. William F. Buckley Syndrome. >"Now I know your brains are right in there!," Mack said, pointing at >Brittany's breasts. > All: Hey! Crow: Well, Mack's no better. He's prejudiced against ditzy blondes! >"Well, I never!," All: Yeah, right. > Brittany said, now on the verge of tears at that >insult. "C'mon, Kevin, let's get out of here! I want to cry! >WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" > Crow: [startled] What? Is a house on fire? Did someone break into the White House? Is there a car chase? What, what, WHAT? >She and Kevin left. > >"Uh, see you at practice, I think, Mack Daddy!," said a bewildered >Kevin. > Mike: But he left already! Tom: Maybe he's got a cell phone. >"Don't call me that!," shot back Mack. Mike: [Mack] Call me "Air Mack" or "M. Diddy"! > He then added to himself, "Man, >the way Brittany carries on, she'd make C-ko Kotobuki from 'Project A- >ko' look well-behaved!" > Tom: Kevin Williamson must have been called in to punch this up with all these "witty" pop-culture references. Crow: Aw, nuts. I was all set with a hilarious comment for when his anime reference turned out to be from "Kimagure Orange Road." Mike: If you say so. The only C-ko I know anything about is a watch. >Mack found himself shuffling out of the cafeteria Crow: Poor Mack. Life is crushing his exuberance. > and toward the >industrial arts wing of the school. Mike: Mack's just following the sound of band saws and screams as limbs are lopped off. Tom: Why Study Industrial Arts 2: Through The Portal of Time! > He passed by one room, which was >not having any classes being held at that moment. He stopped when he >heard some voices. Tom: "Get out!" they urged. "Get OUT of the fanfic while you can!" > Apparently an emergency meeting of the Fashion Club >was being held. Crow: In the Industrial Arts wing? Riiiight... > He could hear the deep, annoying, stuck-up voice of >Sandi drone on: > Mike: [hushed] I hear snooty people. Tom: [Sandi] Like, I'm Sandi of Borg. Resistance is futile, I guess. >"Like, it seems that the football players that I asked to rough up >those who were going to sign David MacAllister's petition got the tar >beaten out of them by Andrea and have been found out. [Tom hovers sideways for a moment, then back down.] Tom: Anyone care to guess how that sentence was constructed? Crow: With baling wire and spit, I imagine. > Now we're going >to have to take some other course of action." > Mike: But first Sherri's birthday card. Crow: Ah, this scene asks the most vital question: "What plot point shall we spill out today?" >"Well," Quinn said, "I do have one surefire way we can get rid of our >problems." > Crow: [Quinn] Let's put on a show! We can hold it in my folk's garage and we can invite everyone from the neighborhood... >"Like, how, Quinn?," Sandi said. > Mike: With trendy Redrum heroin! Tom: Mike! No! >At this point, Mack couldn't resist and stuck his head near the door. > Tom: [Mack] Oh, I hope they talk about customizing their wardrobe! >"Well," Quinn said, "When my cousin Daria and I were living in >Highland, Crow: [Quinn] There was this creepy guy named McLeod, and he got killed, but he didn't really or something, and *any*how, now he just wanders around, fondling his sword and mumbling stuff about how there can be only one, and something about Sean Connery and stuff. > there was this tough guy everyone knew called Todd. Mike: [Sandi] Well, sure! Todd! Crow: [Stacy] We know who he is! Tom: [Tiffany] Todd. Duh. > He's got >a reputation for taking no crap from anyone, and he's done some hard >time. Mike: He's watched all of Jerry Bruckheimer's movies. > However, finding him out is kind of difficult; Tom: [Quinn] He's in another show. Crow: [Sandi] So? Crossovers aren't hard, fanfic authors do them all the time! > the only ones who >know where to find him are those two morons Tom: Tom Green and Johnny Knoxville? > Beavis and Butt-Head." > Tom: Well, I was close. Mike: I wonder if they'll die like in "Mommy Nuffin Doing Bubblegum"? Crow: Maybe it'll be a Guerin tradition in his fanfics! >"Like, EW!, Quinn!," Sandi said; Crow: What does Entertainment Weekly have to do with this? Tom: They're going to force them to read it? > "Like I've heard about those two! >They give me the creeps!" > Mike: [Sandi] Their music videos are horrible! >"If you want to end the 'David Problem,' Quinn continued, "we need >those two to find Todd, so he can teach David his place in the order >of things here in Lawndale High!" > Mike: How about running a good political campaign? Ever thought of that? Tom: Lemme guess, they'll get Todd to beat up people who voted for David AFTER they voted. Crow: Is anyone else reminded of the nutso plots the CIA came up with to kill Castro? >"Like, OK, already!," Sandi said. "So, where do we find Beavis and >Butt-Head?" > Mike: [Quinn] They usually hang out at the Highland museum for Modern Art. They're big fans of post-industrialism. >"We'll take the bus to Highland after class and find them," said >Quinn. "Odds are they'll go to the EZ-Mart and get nachos." > Tom: In fact, the odds are 3-2, with 5-1 on going to the Circle K and getting a corndog, 9-2 for going to McDonalds for fries, and 250-1 they'll go to Chez Francois and order Lobster Thermidor. >"Quinn, like you're so smart," purred Tiffany, the club treasurer. > Mike: Oooh, she's catty. >"Yeah, like you think of everything!," agreed Stacy, the club >secretary. > Tom: [Stacy] Like, you're scaring me, Quinn. >"Then, it's settled," Sandi said. "We'll leave after the last class." > >Suddenly, Sandi had the feeling that someone was snooping on the >Fashion Club. Crow: [Sandi] My superficial-snob sense is tingling! > Mack saw her get up. He ran out of the wing and to the >main hallway before she got to the door. >"Funny, but like I thought someone was snooping on us!," Sandi said. > Mike: [Sandi] Maybe we should've held this secret meeting in a secret place... nah! >"It was probably just your imagination!," Quinn said. > Tom: [Quinn] Just like those elves you said were in that lunchbox at the corner of the room. Crow: [Sandi] But they're there, I tell you! Honest! >"Are you doubting me, Quinn?," shot back Sandi. "It's bad enough that >you're cuter than me and get all the guys' attention! Now you're >trying to usurp me?" > Mike: [Sandi] Like, Cardinal Richelieu put you up to this, didn't he? >"No, I wasn't!," defended Quinn. > Mike: Not a very effective defense, is it? Crow: Well, she's just started her legal fashion studies. >"You'd better not, or else--" > Tom: [Sandi] I'll send the quarterbacks after you! >Sandi made a cutting motion across her throat. Mike: She'll cut off all the necks on her sweaters? > Quinn gulped hard at >that remark. > Tom: Hmm... all of a sudden, the Fashion Club becomes a tinpot dictatorship! Crow: Yep. There'll be Marines swarming through here any minute now. >"In the meantime," Sandi said, "we're going to have to challenge >David's petition, try to get it knocked out on some technicality. Is >everyone in agreement on that?" > Mike: For someone who's not afraid of David's running, she sure seems eager to get rid of him. Tom: The wonderful world of politics, ladies and gentlemen. Crow: People, it's just a frigging Student Council election! >Every member of the Fashion Club nodded her head in agreement. For >David MacAllister, the battle was about to get more difficult. Crow: Guerin-ism #726: State the obvious before going to the next scene. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Mack found Daria, Jane, Andrea and David. They were going to submit >David's petition to the general office. > Mike: Are they doing it in slow-motion or something? >"Daria! Jane! Andrea! David! I've got to talk to you!," Mack said. > Crow: [Mack] Preferably all at once! >"What's up, Mack?," Daria asked him. > Tom: o/~ What's cooking? What's up, Mack? Are you looking... o/~ >"I was just down at the industrial arts wing, and there was an >emergency meeting of the Fashion Club," Mack said. > Mike: Oh, the horror! A MEETING! Crow: [Mack] They were deciding if sawdust or lead solder was cooler. > >"So?," Daria asked. > Mike: [Mack] They're trying to bring back bell-bottoms! >"So," Mack continued, "I overheard everything. Apparently, Sandi asked >those football players to harass anyone who was going to sign David's >petition. Tom: [Mack] I'm supposed to tell the coach, but I figured letting you guys know instead would get the story moving faster, so... Crow: The reaction? Dull sur-... you know. > When they found out that their plan was spoiled, they >decided to go to Highland and ask someone named Todd to teach David a >'lesson'". > Mike: [Mack] Something about impressionistic art and the difference between a Monet and a Manet. >"Oh, no! Not Todd!," Tom: [Daria] Not Todd, the ill-considered playing card! Mike: Now don't ridicule Todd! Crow: That's okay, Mike. Todd is better than that. > Daria said in shock. "I know him from when I used >to live in Highland. Those two idiots Beavis and Butt-Head hang out >with him all the time." > Crow: If by "hang out" you mean "get their asses kicked every time he sees them". >"Is this Todd person bad?," David asked. > Tom: Well, on the day he was born, the nurses all gathered around, but one spoke up and said "Leave that boy alone!" She knew right away he was bad to the bone. >"Let's just say that if you do meet him," Daria warned, "you'd better >make sure that your insurance is paid up." > Crow: My God, he's an All-State sales rep! >"I guess we're going to have to beat the Fashion Club to the punch, >aren't we?," Jane said. > Mike: [Daria] Why? Is the Berry Hawaiian Blue really THAT tasty? >Daria began to divine what Jane was going to say next: > Tom: The sheep entrails were somewhat murky, but gave her a general idea. >"Let me guess, Jane: You're going to suggest we ask your brother Trent >to drive us to Highland and find Beavis and Butt-Head and tell them >not to tell the Fashion Club where Todd is." > Tom: [Jane] Um, no, I was gonna suggest we go grab a pizza then make fun of some cheerleaders. Crow: [Daria] Oh. Well, I like that better anyway. >"How'd you know?," Jane asked. > Mike: [Daria] I can read your mind. Now stop thinking dirty things or I'll do a "Scanners" on you. >"A woman's intuition," Daria said with a self-satisfied smirk. > Crow: Expression number six! Tom: She guesses the plot! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ Mike: If she gets any more self-satisfied, Val Kilmer will hunt her down and force her to watch "Island of Dr. Moreau". >They now went inside the general office and dropped off the petitions. >Jane then went to a pay phone and called her house. Mike: [Jane] Hi mom, I'm just off to see Beavis & Butthead... no, I don't have a thing for them. They look really freaky... no, I'm not going to kill them... yet. Tom: Let's get out of here. [They stand and exit.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge.] [Mike once again has his head buried in his hands. Crow stands next to Mike, speaking to him.] Crow: Here's another one. "She says it's cold outside and she hands me a raincoat." Mike: Crow, go away. Crow: Come on, guess. Mike: I dunno. "Desperate but Not Serious." Crow: Bzzzt! Nope. "3 AM" by Matchbox 20. Okay, let's try another one. Mike: Crow, can we *please* play something else? Crow: No! Now, here's your next one. "Home..." Mike: "Burning for You" by Blue Oyster Cult. Crow: Er, yeah. Mike: Crow, if we're going to play this game, do I at least get a turn? Crow: Sure, as soon as I use up my 300 free turns. Mike: And you got those how? Crow: Keith gave him to me. They're transferable from guy to guy. Mike: And Keith is? Crow: [Sighing] Must we go through this *again*? Keith... [Tom enters.] Tom: Mike, I just learned something really interesting. Mike: Really? What? Tom: Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once appeared on "The Golden Girls" playing an Elvis impersonator? Mike: Really? An Elvis impersonator? Tom: No foolin'. Mike: Huh. [pause] Well, Crow. You were saying? Crow: Thank you. Anyway, Keith was a... Mike: [interrupting] You know, I just can't get over that Quentin Tarentino was on "The Golden Girls" playing an Elvis impersonator. Crow: Hey! I have a story here to finish! Tom: It's hard to wrap your brain around, isn't it? Crow: Hello? Amusing anecdote in progress... Mike: Say, does Gypsy know about this? Tom: I dunno. Let's ask her! Crow: Look, I can start the lyric quiz again if you want... Mike: Hey, Gypsy! Come here! [Gypsy enters.] Gypsy: Yes Mike? Mike: Gypsy? Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"? Gypsy: You dragged me away from "The Practice" for that? Geez. Why do I even bother recirculating the oxygen for you people? You're obviously not using any of it... [Gypsy slinks away in a huff.] Mike: Oh. [brightening] Say, I bet that Pearl would like to hear about this! Say, Pearl? [Mike hits a button and the view shifts to that of Castle Forrester. Pearl and her henchmen stare grimly at the camera.] Pearl: Mike, we're not stopping the fic, no matter how much you... [SoL] Mike: Say, Pearl? Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"? [Castle Forrester] [The trio look uneasily at each other for a second, then turn back to the camera.] Pearl: No, we didn't know that. Observer: It's awfully fascinating though. Bobo: I knew that. Pearl: Quiet. You did not. Bobo: I did! [SoL] Mike: Tom? Who else can we tell about this? Tom: Oh! How about Crow? Crow: You already told me. Tom: Well, how about Santa? Mike: Good idea! Hey, Santa! Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"? [North Pole] Santa: Ho, ho, ho! No, I didn't know that! [SoL] Tom: Say, why don't we tell avant-garde rock artist Moby? Mike: Good idea! Hey, Moby! Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"? [We shift to the interior of a Manhattan loft. Moby sits in a chair and looks Mobyishly at the camera.] Moby: No, I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me. [SoL] Crow: Okay, we've told everyone, can we... Mike: Say, Tom, I just remembered something. Before he was a director, didn't Tarentino work in a video store? Tom: Well, yes, I think he did! Wow! We need to tell everyone about this! Mike: Good idea! Hey, Crow! Crow: I heard. Tom: Gypsy's gotta know about this! Hey, Gyps! Gypsy: [O.S.] I'm not coming out there and wasting my time again! Mike: Let's tell Pearl! Tom: Pearl? Did you know that Quentin Tarentino worked in a video store before he became a director? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Well, duh, Mike. Observer: It's a rather well known fact, Michael. Bobo: I knew that one too. Pearl: No, you didn't! Bobo: I did so! I'm very well versed in entertainment trivia! [SoL] Mike: Should we tell Santa? Crow: Guys, come on. Tom: Let's! Mike: Hey Santa! Did you know that Quentin Tarentino worked in a video store before he became a director? [North Pole] Santa: Well, yes, Mike. I was aware of that. [SoL] Mike: Moby should know this too! Hey, Moby? Did you know that Quentin Tarentino worked in a video store before he became a director? [Moby's Loft] Moby: I thought that was Robert Rodriguez. [SoL] Mike: Nope! It was Quentin Tarentino! Tom: Yep! Neat, huh? [Moby's Loft] Moby: Yeah, neat. Um, who are you guys? [SoL] Mike: Hey, Tom! I just remembered something else about Quentin Tarentino! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Crow, I've give you twenty bucks if you shut those two up. [SoL] [Crow holds up a monkey wrench.] Crow: Way ahead of you. [Crow swings the wrench and Tom and Mike fall unconscious to the floor.] [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Thanks Crow. I owe you one. [SoL] Crow: My pleasure. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: I'm afraid that I have to send you the story now. [SoL] [The story sign has begun to flash.] Crow: That's okay, Pearl. Anything's better than listening to those two prattle on about Tarentino. EVEN GUERIN SIGN!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!! [Crow jumps around for a moment, then stops and looks around before facing the camera.] Crow: Pearl? How am I going to get these two into the theater? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Let me worry about that, Crow. Just go ahead and push the button. [SoL] [Crow shrugs and hits the button, and the door sequence begins...] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [Crow enters the theater. Mike and Tom are already there, but weave groggily in their chairs.] Crow: Hey, guys. Say, I'd really like to hear more about Quentin... Mike: I think I'll pass on that offer. Tom: Me too. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 3: We Shall Overcome Tom: The SOL's battle cry. That and "Waffles for all!" >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The 'Tank' was the van that Trent Lane and Jesse Moreno, the two >leading members of the band Mystik Spiral, drove in to gigs. Crow: They use it to quell rebellious audiences. > Trent was >lead singer and lead guitarist, while Jesse was rhythm guitarist. >Trent was driving the 'Tank' with Jesse sitting next to him. In the >back were Daria, Jane, Andrea, Mack and David. > Mike: This portion of the story brought to you by the National Seating Council. Crow: You know, vans fit into the Guerinverse *so* well it's a wonder we don't see more of them. Tom: It's Mystik Spiral's practice audience! The band felt it was needed to practice audience control... like avoiding tomatoes and playing requests. >"Sorry we disrupted your practice session, Trent," Daria said. > Mike: They PRACTICE? Tom: By Joel, I think the universe is imploding! Crow: [Daria] By the way, would you please stop playing that stupid "Standing on My Neck" song? >"I wouldn't worry about it," Trent said; "we were going to take a >break anyway." > Crow: [Trent] Like, all that sleeping had us really tired out. >They were now approaching the Highland city limits. Tom: They are now IN Highland. I repeat... > They entered town >and pulled up to the EZ-Mart. Sure enough, Beavis and Butt-Head were >getting nachos. > Tom: Mike, I think these two really like nachos, but I'm not sure. Mike: Where'd you get that idea? >"Like, these are the idiots you used to know, Daria?," Trent said. > Mike: [Trent] Like, why is their animation so jerky, Daria? >"Yep, the two morons from Hell," Daria replied. > Tom: Hey, you LIVED here once, Daria! Mike: She didn't mean Highland, Tom. >Beavis saw them first. > Crow: [Beavis] Hey, it's Scott Weiland! Cool! >"Hey, Butt-Head! BUTT-HEAD!," shrieked Beavis. > Tom: [Trent] Was he talking to me? >"Uh, what is it, Beavis?," Butt-Head replied. > Crow: [Beavis] I was wondering what you thought about the allegory inherent in "1984" concerning the creeping fascism invading our society and the loss of privacy that increases day by day? >"Look who's back in town!," Beavis added. > Mike: [Beavis] It's the cast from that spin-off of ours! >They both saw Daria and the others. Then they began the chant they >always said whenever they saw Daria: > Tom: o/~ It's St. Patrick's Day... o/~ >"DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA!" > Crow: Maybe it's just me, but Kaopectate's new ad slogan just doesn't seem all that convincing. >"Uh, Diarrhea, what are you doing here?," Butt-Head asked. > Tom: [Butthead] Shouldn't you be kicking someone's crotch? >"I see you two haven't changed a bit," Daria said. > Mike: [Butthead] Quite the contrary, my morose friend! I and my comrade in arms, young Beavis, have been waxing philosophical about the current state of intellectual property in the Western nations. >"You wanna score with us?," Beavis asked her. > Tom: Impossible! Their passing game doesn't have the depth, and Butthead just can't run the ball like he used to! >"Yeah, maybe you can measure the friction caused by my digitally >oscillating my wiener again," Butt-Head said. > All: EWWWWWWWWWW! Crow: Mike, I plan to ram my head into the theater doors now until I either break through or shatter my processors into dust. Mike: Okay. Knock yourself out. Crow: That's the idea. [Crow leaves] >"What in--," Jane said. > >"It's kind of a long story, Jane," Daria said, embarrassed. > Tom: Hey Guerin, you're missing a great opportunity to interrupt and give us some backstory. Mike: Don't taunt him. >She now turned her attention to Beavis and Butt-Head again. "Beavis, >Butt-Head, this is my best friend, Jane Lane; that's her brother >Trent; Mike: [Daria] I love him, so if you have some beef, take it up with him. > the black couple are Michael Jordan Mackenzie, a/k/a Mack, Tom: Don't confuse him with his namesake. He can't jump squat. > and >Jodie Landon; the guy in leather is Jesse Moreno and the guy with >brown curly hair is David MacAllister." > Mike: And now, we'll just introduce everyone as if they're part of a delegation. Tom: [Daria] Just because I loathe and despise the very ground you stand upon is no reason to deny the audience a good long introduction scene. >Beavis and Butt-Head went into their familiar hideous laughter: > [Crow wanders back in.] Mike: So, how'd the head bashing go? Crow: It was a wash! Pearl's got the doors lined with fluffy pillows! Mike: Well, she's always thinking ahead. >"HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!" > Mike: No, no! You're grinding the starter! Back off, then adjust the choke! >"UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" > Crow: [Krankor] Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa. Tom: [Jane] Um, Daria, can you translate? Was that gibberish for "Hi"? >"I think they like you, Jane," Daria said. > Mike: One can always tell by their laughter! Tom: Either that or they like David. >"If that's the way they act if they like you, I hate to think how they >act if they hate you!," Jane said rather defensively. > Tom: Foreshadowing or just plain coincidence? YOU decide! Crow: We'll find out in "Mushy Nephew Destroys Delicious Bakery!" >"Beavis, Butt-Head," Daria continued, "You guys haven't seen my sister >Quinn around here with her friends, have you?" > >"Uh, no," Butt-Head said. > Tom: [Butthead] Are you lost? Are you looking for your mommy? >"Good," Daria replied; "if you do see them, and if they ask you where >Todd is, tell them you don't know." > >"Uh, yeah, sure, or something," Butt-Head replied. > Mike: Well, that thought's already dead and buried. Crow: [Butthead] By the way, who's Todd? Tom: [Daria] That's the idea! Keep it up! >"Can we score with you now, Diarrhea?," Beavis said. > Mike: Who wants to score any form of diarrhea? >"At the Greek calends!," Daria shot back, then left with the rest. > Crow: Beside Deadman's Curve! >"Uh, Beavis, what's a Greek calend?," Butt-Head asked. > Tom: [Beavis] It's the end of a Greek cal, you twit! >"Probably some Greek version of a taco or something," Beavis said. Of >course, what those two didn't know was that Daria meant "Never!," >since the ancient Greeks didn't use calends in their calendars to >denote the last day of the month. That was the Romans. > Crow: I think *that's* up for the best "kill a roach with a sledgehammer" award. Tom: Maybe we should explain every joke we make! Crow: Yeah, we've really been cutting off the five percent of our audience who need everything explained to them so they don't have to use that gray sponge in the heads. Mike: Actually, the Romans used it to denote the FIRST day of the month... Bots: Mike! Mike: What? >Just as the 'Tank' left, Quinn and the Fashion Club arrived. > Tom: Talk about convenient timing. At least we don't have to wait a few more chapters for anything to actually happen. >"There they are," Quinn said. > Mike: [Quinn] The latest fashions, only 20% off normal price! Tom: [Sandi] And we went to, of all places, EZ-Mart? >"Hey, Butt-Head!," Beavis said; "now Quinn's here too!" > Mike: [Beavis] It's like we're famous or something! >"These are the geeks you were telling me about?," Sandi said. > Tom: Geeks? More like brain-dead slobs. Crow: [Sandi] I don't see any chicken's heads. [normal] You see, in old timey carnival freakshows, people called "geeks" would bite the heads off of live chickens. >"Uh, Quinn, we just saw your sister, Diarrhea," Butt-Head said. > Mike: [Butthead] We stayed in the bathroom well over an hour! >"You have a sister named Diarrhea?," Sandi said. > Tom: [Quinn] Yeah. Mom and Dad nearly named me Malaria. >"Oh, that was a long time ago," said a rather embarrassed Quinn; "she >died from typhoid fever a few years back." > Crow: [Quinn] Her name was Mary. She hung around this creepy blind lawyer. [normal] That was a reference to Typhoid Mary, a villain in the popular comic book "Daredevil", about a blind lawyer who uses his radar sense to fight crime. Mike: That's enough, Crow. >"How do I know that they're not talking about your cousin Daria, and >that she's actually your sister?," Sandi demanded. > Mike: Wow, she came up with that assumption quickly. Tom: [Sandi] And that you're Stefan's long-lost half-sister who's secretly in love with a married man, but also share feelings with someone else when your other identity comes out, and... >"Well, um, er," Quinn hesitated; she then spat out, "It's none of your >business!" > Crow: Ah, the famous "shut up" debating technique. >"How dare you yell at me, Quinn!," roared back Sandi. > Tom: [Sandi] Like, I'm the Great Cornholio, or whatever! Mike: You started "Dark Side of the Moon" early. Bots: Eh? Mike: We're only at the second roar.. >"Oh, yeah!," Quinn said, then they began to scratch at each other's >eyes. > Mike: Glenn Eichler's "Valley of the Dolls"! Crow: That, or Macy's started selling scratch and sniff eyeshadow. >"LOOK, BUTT-HEAD!," Beavis said in a frantic voice; "CATFIGHT! >CATFIGHT!" > Mike: It's Julie Newmar vs. Eartha Kitt vs. Michelle Pfeiffer in a three-way steel cage litterbox match for the Cat-Title! >They started their hideous laughter again. > Crow: Tee-hee, it's funny 'cause they're fighting over something petty! >Stacy and Tiffany got between Quinn and Sandi. > Mike: And got shredded for their troubles. >"C'mon, guys, knock it off!," Stacy said; "you're supposed to be best >friends!" > Tom: Like Eminem and Will Smith! >"Uh, Beavis, remember, we're not supposed to tell them that Todd is at >the Grungy Bull Grill," Butt-Head said. > [Mike slaps his forehead.] Crow: You'd think Daria would be smart enough to realize that this would happen... >Suddenly, the fighting stopped. Mike: Hey! It's Christmas! Tom: The Germans and the British are pouring out into no-man's land to play some football... > "C'mon," an exasperated Sandi said, Mike: [Sandi] Let's get out of here before those two drive us crazy! AAAAAAH! >"let's get out of here; we just got the information that we wanted!" >They then left in a hurry. > >"That sucks!," Beavis said. "They didn't even rip their clothes off! I >wanted to score with them!" > Crow: [Beavis] I brought my Electronic Yahtzee for nothing! >"You always want to score with the cute chicks, Beavis!," Butt-Head >replied. They then left and made their way to the Grungy Bull Grill. Tom: They were going to listen to the music of Kurt Cowbain. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >At the Grungy Bull Grill, propane salesman Hank Hill had just topped >off the restaurant's tank. Crow: He drove in all the way from Texas just for this. > Now he was settling business at the bar. >Todd sat at a nearby stool. > Mike: Sipping on a Pina Colada and looking over the personal ads. >"I reckon that will be $50, sir," Hank said. > Mike: Pretty low for a huge propane tank, Hank. Crow: That or pretty high for a small one. >"That sounds about right," the manager said. He cut a check for the >bill and gave it to Hank. > Tom: [Manager] It's dated for something called a "Greek calends"... Crow: Ah, the wonders of approximate book-keeping. >"Thank you, sir. And thanks for using Hill Propane. Crow: What the Sam Hill? He works for *Strickland* Propane! Tom: [despairing] Oh, Hank. Must even *you* misrepresent yourself to look good? Mike: Well - maybe he's started his own business in this story. Tom: One would presume that an event so staggering would have been exhaustively explained... but that might work. Crow: Thanks for heading off our grandstanding emotional outburst, Mike. Mike: Er - any time. > Now, if you don't >mind, I'm going to have a beer before I go." > Tom: [Manager] Fine, drink your beer! Don't order any of ours! Hmmph! >Todd looked at him and then said, Crow: [Todd, grumbling] Wish *I* had a successful FOX primetime sitcom... > "Why don't you try the steak they >have here? It's mighty good. It's on me." He took out his wallet and >took out some cash. > Mike: The villain, ladies and gentlemen. >"Why, that's pretty neighborly of you, sir!," Hank said. > Crow: Pretty neighborly for a thug-for-hire, indeed. Tom: You never know when you're going to find another customer. >"Buddy! Two T-bone steaks! Make mine well done and the other--," Todd >said. > >"I like mine medium rare," Hank said. > >"Medium rare," Todd repeated. > Tom: No one will be admitted during the spine tingling "steak ordering" scene! >The door then opened, and the Fashion Club entered. > Crow: If this were a saloon, we'd have an awkward pause right about now... Mike: And some Sergio Leone music. >"Those gals look like they're from out of town!," Todd said. > Mike: [Todd] They're animated differently. Crow: Now, if Pete would just write in an appearance by Sailor Moon and the South Park kids, the animators would just quit in frustration! >They slowly approached Todd. He then recognized one of them. > Tom: Well, who wouldn't recognize Madeline Albright? >"Quinn Morgendorffer, is that you?," he asked. > >"Yeah," Quinn replied, rather nervously. > Mike: [Quinn] But please, call me Quinny. >Todd then extended his hand and said, "Long time, no see!" They shook >hands. Crow: Generous, polite, respectful - I don't know about you guys, but so far, I like Todd better than any of the "heroes". > "How's that miserable twit of a sister of yours, Daria?" > >"Well, um, er--," Quinn began to hesitate. > >"Don't you mean her cousin, Daria?," Sandi said. > Mike: You know, this is the SECOND clue this fanfic... you think she'd be on to her little game by now. >"Well, that's not important right now," Quinn said. > Tom: [Quinn] Sub-plot later. Plot needs to move! Crow: Oh my, they're actually concentrating on the PLOT for once! >"Who are the girls with you?," Todd asked. > Tom: [Todd] Is there something you should tell me? Don't worry, I'll understand. >"Well," Quinn said, "these are the members of the Lawndale High School >Fashion Club. Mike: [Todd] Ooo, you're asking me to join? I'm in! > That's Sandi, our club president. Stacy's the club >secretary and Tiffany's the club treasurer. I'm the vice president." > >"You know these ladies?," Hank asked Todd. > Tom: Um, Hank? Were you actually LISTENING to that introduction scene? Mike: I wasn't. Crow: Me neither. Tom: But... but... ARGH! >"Well, I do know Quinn here," Todd said. "She used to live here." > Tom: [Todd] And these others are Sandi, the Fashion Club president; Stacy, the secretary; and Tiffany, the treasurer. >Just then, the door opened and Beavis and Butt-Head entered, doing >their hideous laughter. > Tom: I think at this point it's safe to say these two morons' laughter can best be described, more or less, as "hideous". Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. Crow: By the way, I take that back about them actually concentrating on the plot. >"Aw, Hell!," Todd said; "not those two!" > Mike: If this was actually an episode rather than a fanfic, I think this is the part where the audience leaves for a bathroom break. >Hank saw them and said, "What in tarnation are those two!" > Crow: [Beavis] We're, uh, like, the ghosts of Mike Judge's creations past! You'll be visited by Inbred Jed later, mhmh! Tom: For the remainder of this fic, the part of Hank Hill will be played by Yosemite Sam. >"Who asked you, asswipe?," Butt-Head said. > >"Yeah, like go away, assmunch!," Beavis added. > Mike: [Beavis] There's a two-crossover limit per scene, so beat it! >"My son Bobby is more well-behaved then you two!," Hank said. > Crow: All Arlen trembles at the name of Bobby Hill! >"Oh, no!," Quinn squeaked into Sandi's ear. "Those two followed us >here!" > Mike: Followed YOU? They GAVE you the LOCATION! >"I'll take care of this!," Tom: Todd, friendly butt-kicker for hire. > Todd said. He got up, grabbed Beavis and >Butt-Head by the scruff of their necks, went outside with them, beat >the stuffing out of them, and then er-entered. > Crow: Even the author's not sure what happened. Mike: Well, he didn't know if Todd was coming back inside, or if he had to rush off and save a kitten from a tree. >"And don't you dare come back!," he yelled as he saw them crawling >down the sidewalk. Tom: Yep. This story should be re-titled "Todd - Gentle But Firm Man of Action"! > He could hear Beavis say to Butt-Head "Man, this >sucks!" > Crow: Beavis' thoughts on life, summed up in three words. >The steaks arrived. "Maybe you ladies would like to have some >steak?," Todd asked. > Mike: Turns out Todd's not only generous, he's a paid spokesperson for the American Cartoon Beef Council. Crow: [Quinn] No thanks, we purged an hour ago. >"You guys go ahead," Sandi said; "I'm a strict vegetarian." > Mike: [Sandi] Except when I'm eating meat, of course. >"Well, they do have one mean pizza here," Todd said. > Tom: What do they have there that ISN'T good? Crow: The complimentary bread, maybe? >"OK, I can go for that," Sandi said. > Tom: [Sandi] I'll have some with meat sauce, cheese from cow's milk, Canadian bacon, and pepperoni! >"Buddy!," Todd said, "Make three more T-bone steaks, medium rare, and >two slices of pizza with mushrooms and peppers!" > Tom: [cook] Oh, great. Here I was going for another normal day, and then *somebody* has to be creative! Mike: What? No kiwis or mangos? Crow: I'm not having an avocado-less pizza! >The ladies took seats next to Todd and Hank at the bar. Right now, >they were going to talk business. Tom: [Sandi] So, like, how much propane can you sell us? Mike: [Quinn] Propane is *so* in this year. Crow: [Tiffany] Dooooooooes propane make me look faaaaaaaaaaat? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Meanwhile, Daria and her friends were driving around in the "Tank". Tom: Suddenly, the action shifts over to the DMZ, where Daria prepares to take out the North Korean hardpoint! >Daria told Trent to stop at one particular house. > Mike: Goes right with her personality. >"Guys," Daria said, "this is where I used to live." Crow: [Daria] How is the neighbor downstairs? How is her temper this year? Mike: [Jane] I'll turn up the TV and stomp on the floor just for fun. > It was a rather >drab-looking house. > Tom: [Jane] Drab-looking, isn't it? Crow: [Daria] Yes, quite drab-looking. Mike: [Trent] If I wouldn't say any better, I'd say it was drab-looking. Tom: [David] What's drab-looking? Crow: [Mack] That house, it's drab-looking. Tom: [David] Oh, what do you know? It IS drab-looking! Mike: [Jesse] Yep, pretty drab-looking. Crow: [Jodie] Drab-looking house, Daria! >"You lived in this dump?," Jane asked. > Crow: [Daria] Yeah, I really miss the flies and vermin. >"Well," Daria was quick to defend," that was before my dad got his >promotion and we moved to Lawndale." > Tom: [Daria] Plus, our animation wasn't as good back then. >"Were you born here in Highland?," David asked. > Tom: [Daria] No more questions about my birth! ... Okay... I was born to a poor sharecropper family... >"Yes, I was," Daria replied. > Mike: [Daria] Just call me Daria Morgendorffer, of the clan Morgendorffer. >"I'm from Long Island, New York originally," David said. Mike: [David] We moved once we realized how bad the New York Islanders really were. > "I used to >live in Sayville. Crow: o/~ Sayville, Sayville, Sayville what you want, but don't play games with Peter Guerin... o/~ > The school district there has one of the worst >Special Education programs in the state. People like me are often >neglected, beaten up and punished for things we didn't do." > Tom: So, just like any school kid. Crow: Mike, I'm beginning to detect a subtle theme that special-ed students might be mistreated. Mike: Really? I hadn't noticed. >"So you essentially went from out of the frying pan and into the >fire?," Daria asked. > Mike: Yeah, he brought home the bacon. Tom: They caught him red-handed. Crow: His bark is worse than his bite. Mike: He got it hook, line, and sinker. Tom: He took the words right out of my mouth. Crow: He's fit as a fiddle. >"So to speak," David answered her. "My father got a promotion for the >company he works for and we moved to Lawndale." Crow: So, to sum up... Lawndale! The place for promoted daddies! > Suddenly, Jane saw >something on the sidewalk. > Mike: See a penny, pick it up. All that day, you'll have good luck. Tom: And with that and a dollar-fifty, you can buy a cup of coffee! >"Don't look now, Daria," she said, "but I think your 'friends' Beavis >and Butt-Head are crawling down the sidewalk. It looks like they had >the tar beaten out of them." > Mike: Now Beavis & Butthead not only have a fresh menthol flavor, they're lower in nicotine. >Everyone got out of the van and went up to those two. > Crow: Everyone follows Daria out of the van, just so the audience doesn't forget about them. >"Beavis and Butt-Head," Daria said as she approached them, "what the >Hell happened to you?" > >"Like, that Todd dude beat us up real good," Beavis said. > Tom: And they LIKE it? Mike, I'm scared. >"Yeah, and then he threw us out!," added Butt-Head. > Crow: [Butthead] We only called Hank Hill an asssomething... what IS Todd's problem, anyway? >"Don't tell me you tried to confront him by yourselves!," Daria said >in anger. > Tom: Why does she care? She hates those two! >"But Todd is so cool!," shot back Beavis. > Tom: And who wouldn't find somebody who beat you up and threw you out cool? Crow: Besides, Todd is comfort rated to 25 below. >"You didn't see Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club, did >you?," Daria asked them. > >"Yeah," Beavis said, "but we didn't tell them that Todd was at the >Grungy Bull Grill. In fact, we said that to ourselves when Quinn and >some other chick got into a catfight." > >Daria moved her glasses up, shut her eyes, slapped her right hand >against her face and said, Tom: D'OH!!!! Crow: Wrong cartoon. > "Oh, no!" > Tom: Good thing she took so long before speaking. Wouldn't want her showing off her salty vocabulary here and now. >"What's the matter, Daria?," Jane asked. > Crow: [Daria] I forgot I had a date with Steven Wright tonight! >"I think they accidentally told them where he was," Daria said. > Tom: Notice her saying she "thinks" and not "knows for sure". Crow: Tsk tsk tsk, Daria. >"Then we'd better burn rubber and find them!," Mack said. > Tom: o/~ Burning Rubber Tires! o/~ Crow: o/~ Hideous control now! o/~ Mike: Huh? What are you talking about? Crow: Before your time, Nelson. Fuhgeddaboutit. >"First, we'd better drop those two off at a hospital," Trent said; >"they look pretty beat up." > Tom: They'll regret it in "Mudpie Guppy Nifty Zippy Donor"... Mike: Well, it has been said that to help an enemy is like heaping burning coals on his head. Crow: Yeah, but with these two, I'm not sure they'd get the point even if they *did* heap the coals on their heads. >"That's what I like about you, Trent," Daria said; "always putting >others ahead of yourself." > Mike: Odd, I thought she liked his wonderful singing voice. >"Hey, I'm an easy-going guy," Trent replied. Tom: And by "easy-going", he means "near-catatonic". > They took Beavis and >Butt-Head into the "Tank" and went off to the hospital. Tom: [Beavis] Heh-heh-heh-heh, wanna score with us now, Daria? Crow: [Butthead] Huh-huh-huh-huh, yeah, huh-huh-huh, we're weak and need some First Aid. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Everything had just been served. Sandi was now going to get down to >business. > Mike: It may take another scene or two, but eventually she WILL get down to business. >"Anyway, Todd," she began, "like, there's this kid at our school, Crow: [Todd] Done! Kid at school needs beating. Got it! Tom: [Sandi] I'm not done yet... > and >he's been doing some rabble-rousing. Crow: He's been writing Trekfic on ASC? > He's been spreading some >dangerous talk about equality among students and abolishing special >privileges enjoyed by popular people like us and guaranteeing rights >for retarts like him. Mike: So right away, you can see how dangerous he is. Tom: [Sandi] I don't understand them. It's like they want a democracy or something! > He's this retarded Special Education student who >just arrived at our school and he's running for Student Government >President. Crow: [Sandi] And instead of just cruising through the campaign with my head held high, I decided to hire thugs and launch an intimidation campaign against the electorate! > If, like he's elected, he'd probably call for things like >admitting retarts like himself into the Honor Society and having >retarts crowned Homecoming King and Queen, Tom: And this is different from selecting Kevin and Brittany every year in what way? > and stuff like that. He's a >threat to our comfortable position in our school. Mike: He wants to ban the comfy chairs! > Next thing you know, >the nerds like Daria Morgendorffer and Upchuck are going to demand >equal rights themselves. This person's got to be stopped." > Crow: Equal rights? Who needs them? We'll make our own rights. Have fun with them. Tom: The part of Sandi will be played by Lester Maddox. >"What's the name of this guy, anyway?," Todd asked. > Mike: [Todd] Screech? Urkel? >"Like, his name's David MacAllister," Sandi continued. "He's this guy >who's got brown curly hair, and he's always wearing collared shirts >buttoned all the way up and corduroy pants." > Crow: We can only hope his growing relationship with Daria will let him loosen up enough to undo his collar button. Mike: [Todd] Ah. A type 4 dork. I've got some sprays out in my van that'll take care of him, and it'll get rid of silverfish too. >"Don't worry, little lady," Todd said; "I'll teach him a lesson he'll >never forget." > Tom: Boy, with all the lesson-teaching going on, this is the most educationalist story we've *ever* read. >"I don't like the way this conversation's going," Hank butted in. Mike: [Hank] If this were about the Dallas Cowboys, I might've been interested, but this "Special Ed" stuff is so dull and boring. > "Why >you little ladies hate this guy so much?" > Crow: [Sandi] Like, he greenlit "Freddie Got Fingered." Tom: [Todd] That bastard! >"Like, because he's in Special Education, you moron!," Sandi shot >back. Tom: Opening up Hank's narrow urethra. Mike: [Hank] And about this shooting business. Why are you people continuing to shoot off your responses? Is this some sort of way to make the impact of the comeback a lot bigger? Because it's not working. > "Haven't you been listening?" > Crow: What you say!!! Tom: Someone set up us the bomb... Mike: Stop that. >"You're even more loony than my conspiracy-minded friend that I >know," Hank said. Crow: Hank knows Art Bell? > "That's like saying that the United Nations is >going to send their troops over here." > Mike: UN Peacekeeping forces patrol Highland-Lawndale DMZ! >"And I bet you'd let your daughter marry a nigger!," Todd said. > Tom: [disappointed] Oh, Todd. And you were doing *so* well! Crow: Well, maybe he's being coerced. Tom: You're right! Pete's probably holding Todd's sainted mother hostage! >"I don't have a daughter," Hank said, "but I do have a niece who lives >with me. Tom: So, is Hank gonna bring every character from his show into the conversation? Crow: Wouldn't be the first time. > Who she goes out with and/or Mike: You know somebody's worked up when he throws slashes into his speech. > marries isn't too much my >concern, as long as he's going to hold a steady job. Mike: [Hank] Ah don't care if he's embezzling funds from celebrities, so long as it's steady work. > Heck, I'd >probably hire him to work for my propane business." > Crow: [Hank] Ah'm not about to let that marriage fall apart of lack of money. She'd have to move back in then. >"You'd hire a nigger to work for you, you carpetbagger?," Todd said, >now enraged. > Tom: Uh oh... he just called Hank someone OTHER than a propane salesman. Crow: BIG no-no! >"Now, hold on there, sir," Hank said, Mike: [Hank] I have been working for the propane industry long since the OPEC crisis, and you went and made a mockery out of my life! Now take that back! > "I've been a lifelong loyal son >of Texas, and I don't like that remark you just made about me being a >carpetbagger." > Tom: [Hank] Looka here - this bag is genuine polyester! >"I'd bet you'd let your niece marry a retart as well!," Todd said. > Crow: That's one of the Masonic Lodge's orders, right? Mike: [Hank] Are you even listening to my long-winded lectures? You know, if you didn't look so menacing... >"Why you people have such a grudge against people who have mental, >emotional and/or behavioral problems is beyond me!," Hank said. Tom: [Hank] Course, 8th grade math is pretty much beyond me, too, but still... > "In >fact, I'm disgusted with the sight of all of you! I'm leaving!" > Mike: [Hank] Oh, by the way, the steak was great. Thanks for the offer. Next time I bring my family over here, I'll tell them to try the steak. >"Go ahead, you nigger lover and retart lover!," Todd yelled at him as >he left the door. > Crow: Hank! Wait! You forgot your door! Mike: [Hank] Is that supposed to offend me in some way? Honestly, people these days have such odd ways of insulting each other. It makes me wonder if dad pales in comparison. >Todd now lost his own appetite. "I'm sorry, ladies, but that moron >just made my stomach turn!," he said. Tom: [Todd] Maybe it's the propane-grilled steak... Mike: So he's a horrible racist, but he's a delicate horrible racist. > "I'll leave you my phone number, Mike: KKK-THUG? Crow: [Todd] Don't forget to dial 10-10-2-20-8675309! >and you can call me later to wrap up the details." Tom: Details? You just beat up some guy. Is it really necessary to extend negotiations into the night? > He scribbled his >number on a slip of paper, gave it to Sandi, paid the bill and left. Mike: Is he getting paid for this? I don't think it would matter with that money he's burning. >He had just pulled out of the parking lot when the "Tank" pulled up. Mike: The Rainbow Coalition's here! About time! >Quinn saw it. > Tom: [Quinn] Oh no, Hank was right! The UN IS sending in the troops! AAAAH! >"Oh, no! That's the 'Tank' that geek Trent Lane drives in!," she said. Crow: Trent's a geek? Tom: Well, that's better than calling him a "welfare-cheating hippie" like in "Mucky Nucky Chucky Zucky Ducky!" >"I bet Daria and her dorky friend Jane are in there as well! We've got >to beat it, guys!" > Crow: [Quinn] Because *no one* wants to be defeated! >The members of the Fashion Club got up and left through the rear exit. >Just a split second later, Daria and her friends walked through the >front door. Daria went up to the bar and saw the manager. > Mike: Joe Torre guest stars! >"Excuse me, Sir," Daria began, "but did you just see several girls >here along with some guy named Todd?" > Tom: [manager] Yep. Todd Rundgren and some groupies just left. >The manager, who made a promise to Todd that he'd deny seeing him in >case the law got on his case again, said, "No, I haven't." > Mike: [manager] I haven't seen a redneck get into an argument with Todd and four ditzes. Crow: Um, Mr. Manager? Daria isn't deputized. >"Just thought I'd ask," Daria said. She and the others left. > Crow: *Everybody* had to come in so she could ask one simple question? Are these people all connected at the hip or something? Tom: It's an example of Guerin-ism #303, Crow - "Whenever possible, do everything as a crowd". Mike: Bet it makes going to the restroom a whole new adventure. >"Dammit!," Daria said, "I bet you dollars to donuts that Quinn and the >others were just talking to Todd a minute or so ago." > Tom: Dollars to donuts? Daria, don't waste your money like that! >"So, we're back to square one then," Jane said. > Crow: Or "Reading Rainbow". Or maybe even "Sesame Street". >"Might as well go back home to Lawndale," Daria said resignedly. Mike: [Daria] Life's not worth living anyway - we may as we well consign ourselves back to hell on Earth. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The "Tank" was going down the Interstate at the speed limit. Crow: Even shiftless slackers obey the traffic laws. > Daria and >the others were kind of downcast. > Mike: They heard the news about gas prices going up again. >"For all I know," Daria said to David, "Quinn and the others have told >Todd to do something terrible to you." > Tom: But she's not too sure? Sheesh, do they need absolute proof before acting? >"Well, I just won't let him frighten me!," David replied. > Crow: [David] I'll simply fail to react while he whops me on the head with a bicycle chain. >Just then, Trent saw a pick-up truck at the side of the road, with the >sole occupant trying to fix a flat tire. > >"Looks like that guy could use some help," Trent said. > Mike: [Trent] Wow. I've never seen someone with a hook for a hand before. Daria, move over so we can make room for his chainsaw. >He pulled up next to him, and everyone got out. > Tom: Uh, no need for EVERYONE to get out... Crow: It's a gang car repair! >"Need any help there, sir?," Trent asked him. > >It turned out that the driver was Hank Hill. > Tom: [Hank] I wish I wouldn't be in this crummy fanfic. I don't mean to be offensive, but this is supposed to be a Daria crossover with Beavis and Butthead, and I don't see where I have to fit into the equation. Or why I'm all the way in Highland selling propane and propane accessories. >"Well," Hank said, "my right front tire just went flat, and I'm trying >to fix it. The only thing is, these damn lug nuts are rusted on but >good. If I only had some WD40 to loosen them up, I'd be in business." > Crow: Come on! It's Hank Hill! He probably has a case of it in his pickup bed! Mike: Ah, he's just faking it so that he can run into Trent. >"No sooner said than done," Trent said. > Crow: [Trent] By the way, what's a W... D... 50? >"You know, mister," Daria said, "you sound just like a person I used >to know back at Highland. I don't know if you ever met him. His name's >Tom Anderson." > Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, the reason why Hank Hill was dragged into this. >"Never heard of him," Hank said. "I'm called Hank Hill. Mike: [Hank] Don't know why, my name's Robert Axel. > I'm a propane >salesman." > Crow: [Hank] At least my show is in a somewhat-stable time slot and on FOX, not on some so-called Music Television Network... >Trent came back with the WD40 and sprayed the lug nuts with it. > Tom: Wouldn't oil do the job too? Mike: Now now, Tom, let's not get into the details of Hank's pick-up. >"We'll have to wait a few minutes while the WD40 soaks in," Trent >said. > Crow: He rubs the lotion in his hand... >"Anyway," Daria continued, "I'm Daria Morgendorffer. [All sigh.] Mike: WD40 may be the lubricant of a million uses, but even it can't head off a Guerin introduction scene. > The grungy >looking guy is Trent Lane. That's his sister Jane, those folks back >there are Michael Jordan Mackenzie, a/k/a Mack, Jodie Landon and David >MacAllister." > Crow: [Daria] We travel in a pack for protection from wolves. Mike: Hey! Where'd Jesse go? Tom: He's shifted into another dimension - just in case. >"Nice to meet you all," Hank replied. > Tom: [Hank] Now let me give you my business card and explain all the details of Strickland propane in my usual long-winded tone. >Trent then took the lug nut wrench, and proceeded to remove the nuts. >They came off easy. > >"There, now you can remove that tire," Trent said. Hank did just that. Mike: Or - did he? MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! >He then put on the spare. > Crow: He got a 7-10 split. Impressive. >"I can't thank you young people enough," Hank said. "Is there any way >I can reply you for your help?" > Tom: [Trent] Yeah, man, call our voice mail exchange and leave a message. >"Perhaps there is," Daria said. "You didn't happen to be at the Grungy >Bull Grill in Highland today, were you?" > Mike: Their investigative technique - grill total strangers on the off chance that wild coincidence will work in their favor. >"As a matter of fact, I was," Hank replied. > Crow: On the other hand, if their technique gets results, why quibble? Tom: [Hank] Have they recommended me for my services in propane and propane accessories? >"Did you happen to see four girls roughly my age along with some guy >named Todd?" > >"I did," Hank said. "One of them, who sounded rather stuck-up, Tom: Nah, she was just going through her mental-pause. > was >telling that Todd guy about this kid who was in Special Education and >was causing trouble at their school. They wanted him to teach him a >'lesson'." > Tom: [Hank] Personally, I think teaching kids a lesson by punching them senseless is wrong and stupid. That's why I high-tailed it out of there. >"Oh, no!," Daria said, "that's what I was afraid of!" > Crow: [Daria] They're going to try and teach about the Teapot dome scandal! His faith in humanity will be ruined! Mike: Daria, what OTHER things could those people have possibly schemed about? You don't need Hank Hill telling you the obvious! >"Then these two snickering juvenile delinquents came in and >interrupted us," Hank added; "Todd beat them up real good." > Crow: Todd was later convicted and given a pat on the back and a lollipop. >"That's all we needed to know," Daria said. "Thanks for your help." > >"Same here," Hank said, giving his business card. "If you ever need >propane, give me a call. Crow: [Daria] Hey, wait! You said "Hill Propane" - this says "Strickland Propane!" Mike: [Hank] Well, I can't just throw the old cards out - that would be wasteful! > Have a nice day." He got into his truck and >drove off. > Crow: [Hank] By the way, what state AM I in? >"Guys, this situation has now become a matter of life or death," Daria >said. > Tom: [Daria] If we don't do something, we'll be helping out the cast of Road Rules next! >"I can handle this guy," David said. > Mike: It took five minutes for the others to stop laughing. Tom: Um, David, there's a fine line between being brave and just acting like "The Crocodile Hunter". >"David, you don't know what you're getting into," Daria warned him. >"Todd's a hardened criminal. He'd kill for hire if he has to. Don't >risk becoming a martyr over this. Let's call the police." > Mike: No, they'll just shoot Mack and say they thought he was armed. >"I've got a better idea," David said. Crow: [David] Let's all move to another state and assume new identities. Mike: [Daria] Now you're talking. How does the name "Janeane Farogalo" strike you? > "We can contact the Federal >Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights and tell them about >this. [All laugh.] Tom: Forget the cops - we need unarmed, bureaucratic weenies! > If we get them involved, they can crack down on Lawndale High >for trying to stop me from running." > Crow: Maybe they'll send in Joe Clark. Tom: They'll probably bring Jim Belushi in instead. >"Things like this could drag out in court for years," Daria said, "and >I should know, since my mother's a lawyer." > >"Daria," David said, "are you afraid to face Todd?" > Tom: [Daria] Who's afraid of a sissy old figure skater? Mike: Wrong Todd, Tom. That's Todd Eldridge. >Suddenly, like a bad nightmare, it came back to Daria. Crow: She just realized it's been six months since MTV showed any new episodes! > An image of >someone taking her off the street by force. Being in a dark, cramped >closet. Mike: She was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army? > Some hands grabbing her and doing unspeakable things to her. Crow: Like tying her to a chair and forcing her to watch 24-hours of non-stop Pauly Shore films! Tom: Oh no! >Daria suddenly gasped. > >"No, I am not!," she shot back, too quickly. > Mike: If she'd only take the time to aim, she'd still be done quicker! >"Daria," Jane asked her, "what's wrong!" > Tom: [Daria] This fanfic! Whoops! Got out of character there. >"NOTHING!," Daria now yelled; she was clearly becoming panicked. > Crow: She was trying to make a sandwich? Mike: Crow, sometimes I don't get you. >"Daria, we're you're friends," Mack said. Tom: Well, some of them are. Others are just supporting characters. > "Tell us, what's wrong!" > Tom: [sobbing] Mike, why does he want to hurt us so much? Mike: He just doesn't know any better, honey. >*"I don't want to talk about it!," Daria said, now hysterically upset. > Tom: AAAH! Asterisk! Peter Guerin's gonna interrupt the line to babble on! NOOO! Mike: Calm down, Tom. Calm down. Tom: [panting] Mike, make him stop! He's turning an innocent show into a warmed-over 90210 reject! >Suddenly, those hands leapt out of nowhere. Mike: And today in Lawndale, expect a 45% chance of flying, disembodied hands. Crow: Hey, it's the crawling hand! > "NO KEEP AWAY FROM ME!," >she screamed. She ran away. > Tom: Daria has a severely phobic reaction to "Addams Family" reruns. Crow: She has a mental episode! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Daria!," everyone now yelled as they ran after her. Tom: [Mack] Hey, she's trying to escape the fanfic! STOP HER! > Daria then >tripped and fell to the ground. She was beginning to cry. > Crow: [Daria, sobbing noises interspersed] Sailor Moon - Monks - Militias - Beavis and Butthead - I can't take any more of this!!! >"Daria," Jane said as she knelt next to her, embraced her, and patted >her on the back, "it's OK. Crow: There, there, Daria. We know what it's like to be thrown into a situation forced against our will... don't we, guys? Mike and Tom: [bitterly] We know. > We're your friends. Tom: [Jane] And we'll hardly ever ridicule you about it or use it for blackmail purposes. Really! > You can tell us." > >"Yeah," Trent added, "we're right here for you, Daria." > Mike: [Trent] In the car... driving off... far away... >"It was when I was seven years old," Daria began. Crow: She's recalling her first swirlie? > "I was playing at >the park when someone got out of a car and abducted me. I spent a >whole week at his house. Starting with my first night. . ." > Crow: [Daria] We started playing house and he always kept on screwing up the dish load! The nerve! >"What? What?," Jane asked her. > >Daria was trying to muster up all her courage. > Tom: That's right. Contain it in a big ball of hate and squish someone with it at the appropriate time... >"He, he. . .he sexually abused me!," Daria now confessed, and cried a >torrent of tears. > Mike: This reminds me of that Loony Tunes episode where it's revealed that Daffy was the only survivor after the Mongols slaughtered his entire village. Crow: I don't remember that one. Mike: Well, they don't show it much anymore. >"Was it Todd?," Trent asked her. > Mike: [Daria] No, it was David Brinkley. OF COURSE it was Todd, you brain-dead slacking machine! >"Yes it was," Daria said. "The police eventually rescued me Tom: You know, saying "police" and "eventually" is sort of redundant in the Guerinverse. > and >arrested him. However, at the trial, he got off due to a technicality. Crow: Eventually, Daria mentioned the incident to Tony Soprano. Todd was found with a 9mm brain hemorrhage. Of course, she mentioned it a season or two after we learned about it, but we don't mind waiting a year and a half between seasons, do we?!? [mumbled] Blasted HBO. >It so damaged the case that the DA's office didn't even bother to try >to appeal it. Tom: Sam Waterston was still too depressed over losing Angie Harmon to even give it a try. > There's a restraining order against him, but I'm afraid >of him. That's one of the other reasons why we moved to Lawndale." Mike: Wow, what concerned parents. It took them eight years to move their daughter to safety. >"There, there now, Daria," Jane said, "it's OK. We're here for you!" > Crow: [Jane] If we see Todd, we'll kick his crotch for you, okay? >"Daria, I didn't know that about you," David said to her. > Tom: [David] I've known you three whole days, Daria - when are you finally gonna reveal all your deepest, darkest secrets to me?!? >He went up to her and embraced her. > Mike: Sparking a flashback to the incident itself, traumatizing Daria even further. >"I turned to you for help, and now it seems that you need some of it >yourself," David said to her. > Crow: [David] Here, have some Ritalin. >"I guess there's a soft spot in my otherwise hardened exterior after >all," Daria said. Tom: Guerin-ism #529: Yes, have Daria admit that she's a real softie inside. And not just once... > She was beginning to dry her eyes. Crow: [Daria] Could I borrow your blow-dryer, Jane? > "I guess one of >the reasons why I dress rather drabily is so that guys won't find me >attractive and rape me." > [Groans all around.] Tom: So she really *wants* to dress like Mariah Carey, but she's too scared to? Is *anyone* buying this?!? Crow: Gee, and I thought it was because she's not a slave to fashion. Or she's anti-social just because she's surrounded by idiots! There has to be a "real" reason behind her behavior! Mike: Folks, we'd like to apologize to pretty much everyone on this one. >"Then how do you explain the time you dressed up as Quinn when she got >that good mark on her English essay?," Jane asked her. > Mike: Blast! Actual continuity shoots down the theory. Crow: [Daria] Oh, that was my evil twin who did that. >"Temporary insanity," Daria shot back. > Mike: So what excuse does the writer have? >"C'mon," Jodie said, "we've got to get back to Lawndale and find out >what exactly the Fashion Club has up their sleeves!" > Crow: Their arms. Tom: Well, with styles today... Crow: Yeah. >Daria got up, with Jane and David helping her. They got back to the >"Tank" and drove back to Lawndale. Mike: Crushing any sports cars they found along the way. [Mike picks up Tom and the trio exits the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Tom and Crow stand behind the command console studying a menu.] Crow: Steak, steak, steak. Jeez. Is there anything on this menu that didn't come from a cow? Oh, wait. Here's one. Chicken fried ste... Blast! Tom: Crow, forget about the menu. We've got to figure out what caused that nice boy, Todd, to become a hitman. Crow: Maybe he and Martin Blank had the same guidance counselor. "Try our french fries! Cooked in 100% pure beef fat!" Tom: I doubt it. Maybe there's something in Highland's water supply that causes people to be excessively polite. Todd. Mr. Anderson. Stewart. Crow: How do you explain Beavis and Buttthead then? Oh, for Pete's... "Our ice cream contains only the finest milk, sugar and 100% Grade A beef!" Maybe cardiologists own this bar... Tom: Good point. And Daria was in Highland too... [Mike enters, wearing a checkered flannel shirt and a thick pair of black framed glasses.] Mike: Howdy. Crow: Hi Mike. Mike: Bwuah! Talking robots! Peggy! Come quick! [Mike exits, quickly.] Tom: Yeah. Cute, Mike. Crow: Tom, what's the big deal? Todd is a really polite and courteous hit man. So was Francisco Scaramanga. Tom: Scaramanga was playing by Bond Rules. All of his bad guys were polite. Even the gang members. Crow: True. Hey, remember when Bond was fighting that polar bear and they stopped for teatime? [Mike enters again, this time wearing a tee-shirt and jeans.] Crow: Mike. Mike: Heytherelittlerobotguysdangprimemodelsof artificalintelligencerunwildsittingthere makingfunofeverythingunderthesuninthattheater there. [Mike exits.] Crow: Uh-huh. [to Tom] Anyway, maybe being polite is just a way of getting business. Heck, would you deal with an impolite hitman? Tom: Well, it's never really stopped me before. Hey, maybe we're going at this all wrong. Maybe Todd's just a thug because they're holding his sainted aunt hostage or something. Crow: Well then, why wouldn't he wage a one man war against the thugs? Tom: Maybe he does that in the sequel. [Mike enters, wearing an orange hat and sunglasses and with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.] Mike: I reckon that some people call you robots. Some folks call you droids. Mmm hmm. Tom: Oh, for crying out loud, Mike! That's not even the right characterization! Mike: Is too. I studied on it. I studied on it quite a bit. Tom: Dale's the conspiracy theorist, not a psychopath. Crow: Just get out of here. Mike: Fine. I'll just go get my Kaiser blade. Mmm hmm. [Mike exits. The bots watch him exit then turn to each other.] Crow: Think we can call Todd to take care of him? Tom: Couldn't hurt to try. [Crow grabs a phone and begins dialing. After a ring or two, the phone is picked up and Todd's voice can be heard.] Todd: [V.O.] Hi. This is Todd. Due to an unexpectedly high volume of calls, I can't answer the phone right now. But your call is very important to me. Please stay on the line and I'll be with you in the order that you call is received. [Todd's voice ends and a muzak version of "Escape" begins to play.] Tom: I guess we're not the only ones trying to kill someone right now. Crow: It's the politeness, I tell you. [The movie sign begins to flash.] Tom: Ah. It doesn't matter. There'll be plenty of time to kill Mike later. Crow: Yeah. I guess so. Hey Mike! We've got Guerin sign out here! Mike: [O.S.] Hang on! I'm just about to do my Peggy Hill impression! Crow: [to Tom] There better be time to kill him later. Tom: Yeah, yeah. I know. [Tom hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The trio enters and take their places.] Crow: Any other imitations you want to try out here, Mike? Mike: I suppose I could do my Urkel again... Bots: NO! Mike: Fine. Maybe at the Halloween party then. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 4: Keep Your Eyes on the Prize Crow: And keep your arms straight when you swing! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >It was after dinner when the "Tank" pulled up to the Morgendorffers' >house. Mike: And James Garner stops in for dinner at the Morgendorffers. > Daria got out, and said, "I'll see you at school tomorrow!" The >"Tank" pulled away, and Daria entered the house. She headed straight >for the dining room. > >"Daria, where have you been?," Helen asked her. > Tom: [Daria] Nowhere, mom. Mike: [Helen] Man, I wish I was you. >"Sorry, Mom," Daria said, "but I was over at Highland." > Mike: [Helen] You didn't steal their football mascot in preparation for that big Lawndale/Highland football game, did you dearie? >"Seeing the old stomping grounds, eh, Daria?," Jake said. > Tom: [Daria] Yes. I stomped and stomped and stomped. It was great fun. >"You could say that," Daria replied. Crow: [Daria] You could also say I was dancing the hula with Bela Abzug. > "I was trying to find some old >friends." > >"Funny, Quinn said the same thing," Helen said. "Did you go together?" > Mike: [Helen] Oh, right, I forgot, Daria. Your sister is in constant denial about you being her sister. Silly me! >"No, I took the bus," Quinn said. > Tom: [Quinn] Then this cute guy jumped aboard and started babbling about some bong exploding or something if we went too slow, then he started talking to this brunette. I mean she was like, so unstylish! >"And I got there by Trent's 'Tank'," Daria added. > >"How's Beavis and Butt-Head?," Jake said. > Crow: [Jake] Are they still unstoppable psychopathic killers? Mike: [Quinn] Prequel, dad! We're in the prequel to that! Crow: [Jake] Oh, right! >"Jake! Don't you dare mention those two sick-minded cretins in this >house!," Helen roared at him. > Tom: [Helen] Besides, what kind of stupid question is that? You should ask WHO she met first! Mike: Okay, there's your cue, Crow! Crow: For? Mike: Dark Side of the Moon! Crow: Yeah, like we have a stereo in here... Mike: ...oh. >"Sorry, Dear!," Jake said meekly. > Mike: Nice to know these two have a healthy, open marriage. >Helen looked at Daria's face. "Daria," she asked, "your face is all >red. That rash isn't coming back, is it?" > Mike: Time to get the iodine. Bots: No! >Daria realized that it had to be from when she was crying. > Tom: Wouldn't she have time to recover? Crow: Nah! In scene changes, things go by faster than Sonic the Hedgehog. >"No," she said, "I got a bit sunburned." > Crow: [Daria] It was kind of a wet, salty cheeks-only sunburn. >"Daria," Helen said, "I know when you're trying to pull a fast one on >me! Were you crying over something?" > Tom: [Helen] Were you really in Florida? >"OK, I'll admit it," Daria finally broke down. "I ran into Todd and he >gave me a scare." > Mike: [Daria] Then I tricked him into Freddy's trap and we found out that he was really Ben Stein! >"Oh, no!," Helen said. "I just hope you didn't run into him yourself, >Quinn." > >"No I didn't!," Quinn replied, too quickly. > >Helen didn't noticed that both her daughters had just lied to her. > Crow: [Helen] You ran into a sexual predator? That's nice, honey... Tom: Lying makes baby Torgo cry. >"We do have some beef stroganoff left over if you want it, Daria," >Jake said. "I made it myself." > Crow: Tuesday is Ptomaine Night at the Morgendorffers. >"It's a rare day where you cook, Dad," Daria said. "What happened at >work?" > Mike: Emeril stopped by. Tom: [Emeril] We add a little angst to the story, and kick it up a notch, BAM!!! >"We got that big contract from the county government, and, as a >result, I got a hefty raise!," Jake said. Crow: He got the Glengarry account! > "I felt like celebrating by >doing the cooking for a change." > Tom: And not, say, going to a fancy restaurant or something like that! >"Well," Daria said, "if you don't mind, I'm not too hungry right now. Crow: [Daria] Especially for dad's "masterpieces". >I'm just going to do my homework and then go to bed." > Mike: Not that she'll actually FINISH her homework. Tom: She's using it to make her fall asleep. Good idea, that. >"OK," Helen said, "but we'll leave the leftovers in the refrigerator >for you in case you get hungry later on.. Tom: Mmmm BOY! Cold beef stroganoff! > Good night, Dear!" > Mike: Intense dinner intrigue! >"Good night, everyone!," Crow: And a "La la, LA-la la" to you too. Let's roll. [Crow stands.] Mike: No can do. Please stay seated. Crow: Blast. [Crow sits.] > Daria said as she headed upstairs. She went >to her room and did her homework. After that (since it wasn't too >much), Tom: Just some complex trigonometry questions! Nothing more! > she tuned into "Sick Sad World". There was a report about a >pedophile who abducted a five year old girl, raped her and then killed >her. Tom: Odd. "Sick Sad World" usually sticks to the bizarre news rather than the disgusting. Mike: This lovely bit of nightmare fuel brought to you today by Peter Guerin. Crow: She depresses the audience! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ > Daria got that awful image of Todd kidnapping and sexually >assaulting her again, Tom: But it was mixed with some cute fluffy bunnies, so it all balanced out! > and she dropped the remote with an audible gasp. > Mike: Reality TV. Cheap entertainment, or outrageously shocking footage? We'll find out in a moment. >Daria got up, left her room and then banged on the door to Quinn's >room. Quinn opened the door. > Tom: [Quinn, grumbling] This better not be Halloween, 'cause I don't have any cand... oh, hi Daria. >"What do you want, Daria?," Quinn sneered at her. > Crow: Did she go to the Johnny Rotten School of Greetings? >Daria pushed her aside, entered her room, and slammed the door shut. Tom: [Quinn] Yes, do come in. >She then grabbed Quinn by the shoulders, threw her on the bed and went >right to her face. > Mike: Oooooookay, now we're just getting creepy! Crow: Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly star in "Bound 2: Lawndale Bound". >"You listen to me, and you listen to me good!," snarled a now very >angry Daria. Mike: And here I was briefly deluded that the blandly controlled Daria was in the room. Well, live and learn. > "I know that you and your stuck-up friends at the Fashion >Club were speaking to Todd at the Grungy Bull Grill in Highland >today." > Tom: [Daria] And I want in! No wait... >"And how do you know that?," Quinn said in mock innocence. > Crow: [Daria] A Grungy Little Bird told me. >"Because we met a guy on the Interstate who said he saw you and your >friends talking to him when he was there!," Daria roared back. Tom: She should audition for the T-Rex role in the next Jurassic Park. Crow: [Daria] And he sold propane! And his series is on FOX! I don't know if I should laugh or cry. > "Do you >know what he said to me about your rather interesting conversation >with him?" > Mike: That he sells propane and propane accessories? >"No, what?," said Quinn, now getting hysterical. > Crow: [Daria] Well! He... er... um... sells propane! Yes! There's my proof! You're through, Quinn! >"He told me that you and your friends want Todd to teach David >MacAllister a 'lesson' for trying to run for Student Government >President," Daria continued. Tom: And I bet he's not even certified by the state Board of Education! > "How dare you even go to him, Quinn! Crow: [Daria] I told you I get the first crack at contract hits! > You >know what he did to me! Or do I have to remind you?" > All: No! No, that's okay! Stop it there! Please, we beg you! >With that, Daria suddenly grabbed Quinn by the collar of her smiley- >face T-shirt, ripped it down the middle, then unhooked her front- >closing bra. [Silence] Mike: Daria, you don't have to remind her *that* way... Tom: And now we've crossed the line from "Creepy" into a whole entirely new weird area! Mike: This must be Joe Esterhaz's version of Daria! Crow: You know, in other circumstances, I'd kind of enjoy two teenage girls fighting on top of a bed. Tom: Not in this one though? Crow: Nope. > She then smacked her across the face. > Mike: Gallant goes into her sister's room to talk to her about her decision to meet with her rapist. Goofus simply brutalizes her herself. >"Daria, stop it!," Quinn said; Tom: That was her favorite t-shirt, and now you ruined it! Bad Daria! Bad! Mike: [Daria] Actually, I'm getting kind of turned... Bots: No! > she was beginning to cry. > Tom: Lord, I know how she feels! >"If Todd does anything to David, I swear to God I'll tell the >police!," Daria said. Crow: [Daria] Don't make me bring those incompetent policemen into this fanfic! > "And you can tell that bitch Sandi and the rest >of those bitches on the Fashion Club that it'll go double for them as >well!" > Mike: She'll tell two police? >"My friends aren't bitches!," Quinn yelled. > Tom: [Quinn] We checked on TheSpark.com! >"They are too!," Daria said. She then added something that was really >uncharacteristically for her: > Mike: Not like we haven't seen any of that before in Guerin fic. Crow: [Daria] Does my rage make me look fat? >"And you can tell them that they're all self-centered, lousy, stuck-up >motherfucking cunts! Tom: Suddenly the story takes a nasty turn! Well, another one. Crow: [Daria] And their shoes are last year's style too! Mike: [Quinn] Noooo!! That's not true! They're hip, trendy shoes! > And if they decide to sic Todd against me for >that, I swear I'll do to him what Lorena Bobbitt did to John Wayne >Bobbitt!" > Crow: What, she's going to marry him? Mike: Um... ah... no. Tom: Well, that bit wasn't *that* uncharacteristic. Crow: Once you've got a good threat - run with it! Mike: It's bad enough we saw this in the OTHER Guerin fanfics, but to be used again?!? >With that, she left the room, slamming the door behind her. Mike: [Daria] I would wait until you cry uncle, but I decided to let you sulk. Good night! > Quinn >collapsed and cried. > >Luckily, after dinner, Jake and Helen decided to go see a movie. Tom: Crouching Todd, Hidden Daria. > They >thought it would be OK if Daria and Quinn were left alone. How little >did they know about what happened. > Mike: Mr. & Mrs. Clueless, loving parents. Crow: Luckily? I guess we're supposed to applaud Daria's little outburst? >Daria got back to her room, got on her cellular phone, and called >Jane. > Crow: Yep, after brutalizing someone, I'd call someone too just to brag! >"Jane, it's Daria," she said. > Tom: *click* *booooooooooop* >"What's up?," Jane asked. "You sound upset." > Tom: [Daria] Nah. I just assaulted my sister. Mike: [Jane] Ah. So, you wanna go get some lunch? >"I just read Quinn the riot act about her and her friends talking to >Todd," Tom: [Daria] She got bored halfway through so I switched to "The Tidy Teddy Bear Family". > Daria said. "I got real mad at her and roughed her up a bit. Crow: She abuses her annoying sister! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >We've got to do something." > Tom: [Jane] Maybe we should get you some anger management counseling. >"Maybe we should do what David said and go to the Department of >Education," Jane said. > >"I guess we should. They do have an office in downtown Lawndale," >Daria pointed out. > Crow: Why, it's next to the Starbucks that just opened a few seconds ago! Tom: Downtown Lawndale! The center of the universe now brought closer to home! >"Well, it's getting late," Jane said. "I'll continue this conversation >on our walk to school tomorrow. I'll see you then. Bye." > Mike: It's actually not so much a conversation as a series of terse, disjointed statements. >"Bye, Jane," Daria said. She hung up the phone, took off her clothes, Crow: [Daria] Hmph, never noticed this vestigial tail before. >put on her blue T-shirt and yellow shorts she always wore to bed, Tom: Oh, couldn't Guerin just say her nighties? Crow: And miss the potential to list off Daria's wardrobe? No way! > and >went to sleep. > Mike: Then again, the whole *story* is pretty much an extended series of disjointed, terse statements. >She wasn't asleep for too long when she had a nightmare. Crow: o/~ Exit night! Enter light! o/~ > She was in >the middle of a desert. Mike: Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty were chasing her on a camel. > She was trying to run, but her feet kept >sinking into the sand. Todd then appeared out of nowhere, wielding a >jackknife. > Tom: [Todd] Fear me, Daria, for I wield the power of Greg Louganis! Bwah-ha-ha! >"I know I should have finished the job when I had the chance," he >said. He got nearer and nearer to her. > Crow: American Psycho 2: The Misery Chick Killer. >"Keep away from me, Todd!," Daria said. Tom: Apparently cold-blooded criminals are impervious to quicksand. > He got closer. "Keep away from >me!," she said again. Crow: Strangely, he refused to keep away from her. Mike: Todd doesn't respond well to verbal commands. > He raised the knife up and was going to plunge >it into her heart. Crow: Oh, I've seen this! Daria burns Todd with a torch, freeing him from Mola Ram's control. Mike: Gee, thanks for spoiling it. > Daria screamed. She wrenched herself awake. She was >breathing heavily. > Tom: She'd been making obscene phone calls in her sleep. >Daria was deeply tortured in her soul now. She just needed to get >away. > Mike: So, she grabbed a school bus and left Tom Green to watch her snake and headed to Austin. >Daria got up, got dressed again, and slipped out of the house. Crow: Damn banana... and why did the window have to be open? I am deeply puzzled. > She >went down the street and saw the Temple Beth Israel, a Reform temple. Tom: As formed by Rabbi H. Ross Perot. >The lights, surprisingly, were still on. Mike: Funny, kinda like a high school's lights are kept on at night for security reasons! Who'd thunk it? > She entered and sat at a pew >about midway to the altar. Tom: She sat on a Warner Brothers skunk? Crow: Eet ees love, non? > The rabbi there was praying the Shema. Mike: A prayer for the Warrior Princess. > He >got up and noticed Daria. > Mike: [rabbi] Hey, what are you doing here? This is rabbi's private time with God. Now shoo! >"My child," the rabbi said, "is something bothering you?" > Mike: [Daria] *You* are, at the moment. >"Rabbi," Daria said, "I am is such a mess right now." > Crow: As evidenced by her speech patterns... Tom: I can't... Mike: You're about to make a joke about God and the big I AM, aren't you? Tom: Yeah, but - Crow: Don't you think we're suffering enough without you piling on?! >"Tell me, my child," the rabbi said, "what is bothering you." > Crow: [Daria] Sometimes I get the feeling I'm stuck in a place that worships shallowness and popularity over intelligence and talent. But enough about my network... >Daria drew a deep breath and began: > Tom: And now, for those who slept through this fanfic, here's our recap... >"When I was seven years old, someone kidnapped me and then sexually >abused me. Mike: That's enough to talk to a rabbi about, alright. Tom: There's more, Mike. Mike: Shoot. > He got off on a technicality. Now, almost ten years later, >my sister and her friends are asking the same creep to do some bodily >harm to a kid I know at school who's in Special Education and is >running for Student Government President. Crow: [Rabbi] Wow, what a crappy plot - I mean go on, my child! > My life is in such turmoil >right now." > Mike: [Daria] Plus, they've canceled "3rd Rock from the Sun". Where's the justice, I ask you? >"My child, are you Jewish yourself?," the rabbi, who was named >Benjamin Cohen, asked her. > Crow: The lost Cohen brother. Mike: [Daria] No, I shopped around to find the most sympathetic religion before coming here. >"Yes, I am," Daria said, "and I'm in the Reformed denomination." > Tom: She makes it sound like they're Methodists. >"I have heard of the youth you mentioned," Rabbi Cohen said; "David >MacAllister, right?" > Crow: [Rabbi] Is he Jewish as well, My Child? >"Yes," Daria said. > >"He is such a brave young man," Rabbi Cohen said. Crow: [Rabbi] Is it really bravery, or simple political opportunism? > "Somehow, he reminds >me of Moses going at the bidding of God to tell the Pharaoh to free >the Israelites. Crow: [Cohen] He's like a young, whinier, disarmed Charlton Heston. > I have heard of the horror stories that have happened >to Special Education students at Lawndale High. Tom: And they say the ghost of Susie Halliwell haunts the classrooms to this day, looking for her lost hall pass! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH! > For far too long, >their cries have gone unheeded. Mike: [Rabbi] Why, I myself heard their cries and yet did nothing about the problem at all! > Finally, God has found a deliverer for >them. Mike: I bet the postage rates from Heaven are really high. Tom: Wow. So this IS a mission from God? Ooooookaay. Crow: In the form of a political activist! What could be worse? > He will be the instrument from whence God shall deliver the >oppressed Special Education students from their suffering. Crow: [Cohen] True, all his companions will die in the desert - but hey, their kids are going to have it just fine! Mike: o/~ When Daria was at Lawndale High - Let My Students Go-o-o-o... o/~ > God >sometimes works wonders by using the people you least suspect are >capable of accomplishing the impossible. Mike: So God orders people to do things? Tom: [God] You, go stop that tinpot dictator! You, end apartheid in South Africa! You, go run for Student President in a goofy fanfic! > Have faith in God, my child. >He has always looked out for His people. The victory is His, for as >the psalmist said in Psalm 46, 'God is our refuse Mike: [Daria] Boy, *that's* inspiring. Crow: Um, Pete, that's a rather *significant* typo there! Tom: Blessed are the trashmakers, for they shall be recycled. > and strength, Mike: Strength compliments of the All-Mighty and GNC. > a very >present help in time of trouble.' He who would stop mighty armies from >harming His people and will break the spear in two and cast the >chariot into the fire Crow: [Cohen] So you see, Daria, God's actually pretty cool after all! > will see to it that justice is done for the >Special Education students." > [All snicker.] Mike: Yeah, then the Fashion Club is gonna try to steal the Ark of the Covenant just to even the balance! >"Thanks, Rabbi," Daria said; "I think I'm beginning to feel better." > Crow: [Daria] If somewhat perplexed that you're comparing Davey to Moses. Is David going to turn the water in the fountains into blood? Mike: [Rabbi] You bet! Crow: [Daria] That's it, I'm converting to Scientology. Couldn't be anymore ridiculous. >"Go in peace, my child," the rabbi said. He then stood up and gave the >ancient Aaronic blessing: > Tom: [Hank Aaron] The pitcher has got only a ball. I've got a bat. >"The LORD bless you and keep you. The LORD shine His face upon you and >be gracious to you. The LORD lift His countenance upon you and give >you peace. Amen." > Crow: Odd. It sounds like John _-_ Winston wrote that. >Although she didn't count matters of faith for much, for Daria, this >had an impact on her. Mike: Just for this story. > She went home, and went back to bed. She slept >soundly for the rest of the night. Tom: Missing the news report about the escaped mental patient who was found in a local temple. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Daria got up a bit early. She got dressed, slipped out of the house, >and caught up with Jane. Tom: Whoops, forgot your breakfast! > She was on her usual morning run, wearing a >white headband, gray sweatshirt, red shorts, white socks and white >sneakers. > Mike: What *is* this obsession Pete has with telling exactly how everyone is dressed? Crow: Well, everybody's got their own little authorial trademark, Mike. Tom: Just be glad there's no reason for a long, repetitive recitation of ranks and titles. >"This is a surprise," Jane said. "You're not usually up this early." > Mike: [Jane] You're REALLY getting out of character now, aren't you? >"I had a rough go of it last night," Daria said. "So I went to my >temple and spoke to the rabbi. he helped me put things into >perspective." > Tom: [Jane] What temple? What rabbi? [All gasp.] >Suddenly, Trent showed up. > Tom: Bet his bandmates wish he'd do that at rehearsals. Crow: And he was immediately shot by Rally. Mike: Wrong story, Crow. >"Janey! Daria! I need to talk to you!," he said. > Crow: [Trent] Me and Jesse got into a fight over Monique and I need help stashing the body! >"Trent, what are you doing up?," Jane asked him. Tom: [Jane] You're not usually up this early. Mike: [Trent] Oh. I just haven't been to bed yet. > >"I've just got an idea," he said. Mike: [Trent] I call it a Frisbee! We'll make BILLIONS! > "I know how we can get some media >attention on this matter." > Tom: And so Howard Stern rolled into Lawndale... >"What do you mean, Trent?," Daria asked him. > Mike: [Trent] I mean, let's drop David down a well. If that doesn't work, we can drop a puppy in there with him. >"Well," Trent said, "I guess you ladies have heard of the band Rage >Against the Machine?" > Crow: [Daria] Um, Trent? Are you rambling random thoughts again? Tom: [Trent] You like cookies? Who'll win the Stanley Cup? You've heard of Fresno? >"Yes, we have," Daria said. > Crow: Buncha neo-commie troublemakers, right? Tom: Mike? Do all musicians know each other? Mike: Yep. >"Well, we opened for them once when they played at McGrundy's Pub, Tom: [Solomon Grundy] Come to McGrundy's Pub! If we no crush Super Friends, drinks on house! >where we have our usual Sunday night jam," Trent said. "I got to >become good friends with them. Lead singer Zack de la Rocha told me >that if I ever needed anything from him, to call him." > Mike: Rage & Mystik Spiral are both members of the Justice League of Unmusical Atonal Bands. >"Gee, I didn't know you know Rage Against the Machine," Jane said, >rather impressed. > Mike: [Trent] I know Kip Winger too. He mows our lawn during the summer. >"All I have to do is call them and let them know what's happening," Crow: They would leave so fast from this fanfic... >Trent continued. "When they show up, no one's going to give them any >crap. I can guarantee it." > Mike: Unlike Trent's performances. [rimshot] >"Well, what are you waiting for?," Jane said. "Call them." > Tom: [Trent] Whoa there, Jane, let's not take things THAT far! >"I intend to do that after I have my morning nap," Trent said. > Crow: It may be a matter of life and death, but NOTHING gets in the way of Trent's nap time! >"You never change, do you, Trent?," Daria asked him. > Tom: Yes, Trent is the same brain-dead musician we all know and love! Crow: Yes, don't ever change, Trent! Even if it means advancing the plot quicker! >"Hey, it's good to have a routine; it gives one's life structure!," >Trent replied. > Mike: And it keeps one's life redundant and dull, just like this scene! >Jane snickered over that remark. > Tom: [Jane] Tee hee, it's funny because he has no structure! >"Got to go, ladies," Trent said. He walked back toward the Lane >residence. > Tom: Ooh, la dee da, he's going to his *residence*! Mike: What do you call it? Tom: A people-hole! >"I can't wait to tell David about this," Jane said, rather unusually >excited; Mike: Hey, join the club. EVERYONE'S out of character today! > "this is the type of attention that this situation calls >for." > Crow: And not like, say, a special on 20/20. Tom: Yeah! Let's invite in a bunch of radical troublemakers! *That'll* help foster a peaceful solution! >"Well, let's see how things turn out first," Daria said. > Mike: [Daria] Let's just act surprised when something goofy happens! >"Well, I've got to finish my morning run, then I've got to change into >my regular clothes and get ready to go to school," replied Jane. Tom: Then she'll stroll to school, open the door, walk to class, and sit in her desk. > "I'll >catch up with you there. In the meantime, there's a good greasy spoon >around the corner that has a good $1.99 Early Bird Breakfast Special." > Crow: Must be one heck of a magic spoon! >"I just might go for it," Daria said; "I have the feeling I'm going to >need some extra energy." > Mike: [Daria] Or cholesterol. Whichever. >Jane ran down the street while Daria went to the diner, which was >called Smoggy Ralph's Bistro. Crow: [snickering] And with an appealing name like that, he's gotta be raking in the customers! > When she stepped in and took a seat, the >waitress came up to her. > Mike: o/~ No one can save us, from Kim the waitress! o/~ >"What'll it be, Miss?," she asked Daria. > Crow: Shot of whiskey. I'll need it for at least half this fanfic. >"What's the $1.99 Early Bird Breakfast Special like?," Daria asked the >waitress. > Tom: It's like a cool breeze on a warm spring day! >"Well," the waitress began, "it consists of eggs, a short stack of >pancakes, Crow: Oh, a *short* stack. No wonder they can grab you on the price. > your choice of bacon, sausage or ham, and your choice of >milk, orange juice, regular coffee or decaf." > Mike: [Waitress] Oh, and a free angioplasty balloon. You'll need it later. Crow: Little did Daria suspect that her choice of the bacon over the sausage would come back to haunt her later, as the - as - oh, you finish it, I'm bitter! >"I guess I'll take it," Daria said. The waitress left to process the >order. Tom: Hey, wait a minute! She hasn't chosen her side dishes yet! > It was getting a bit hot in the diner, so Daria >uncharacteristically took off her green jacket, exposing the brown T- >shirt she wore underneath it. She also took off her glasses and wiped >them. Unnoticed by Daria, David walked in; he noticed her and was >surprised. > Crow: [David] Wow! I thought she'd *never* clean those glasses! You could practically grow crops on them! >"Daria, is that you?," he asked her. > Tom: [Daria] Daria's not in right now. If you'd like to leave a message, I'll be happy to give it to her. >Daria suddenly looked up and noticed David. > Mike: A very blurry and distorted David. Tom: [Daria] Oops! My glasses! Heh. >"Oh! David!," Daria sais in surprise; "I didn't know it was you!" > Crow: Yeah, that voice could be lots of things! [pause] Oh wait, we're in a text-based universe, aren't we? >David looked at her without her glasses. > Tom: Well, they're not his. Of COURSE he wouldn't look at her with her glasses. >"Did anyone ever tell you that you look beautiful without your glasses >on?," he said to her. > Mike: [Daria] Did someone say something? Really, who's there? >Daria found the remark odd. > Tom: She wasn't the only one. >"Uh, no, as far as I know," she finally said, blushing. > Mike: David's getting off flirting too easy. Crow: I sense a wakachika moment a few chapters from now. >"Also, that's a pretty interesting T-shirt you have on," David >continued. > Tom: Yeah, that shade of brown brings out her blandness really well! >"Well, it's just a plain old brown T-shirt," Daria said; "it doesn't >have anything on it." > Crow: [Daria] Well, except for this gravy stain from supper last night. Good job it blends right in with the brown, huh? >"I bet you also have great looking legs beneath those combat boots of >yours," David said. > Mike: [David] Look, I'm flirting with you, don't you get it? >"David, this is pretty weird," Daria said, All: Thank you! Mike: At least *someone* recognizes it. > not necessarily embarrassed >or uncomfortable, but merely stunned; Mike: [Daria] David, there's a time for everything, but I'm having breakfast! Crow: [David] Want me to scramble your eggs? Fry your bacon? Eh? Eh? Nudge... > "You think I'm pretty? By my own >admission, I dress rather plainly." > >"You know what they always say," David said; "'Beauty is in the eye of >the beholder.'" > Mike: Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones is racing to the scene... >"You know, no one's ever praised my looks," Daria replied; "I'm not >necessarily a guy magnet. That's my sister Quinn's department." > Tom: Guy magnets 'r us, sister company of Chick magnets 'r us, a Tom Servo division. >"Daria," David said, "I know you dress the way you do as a reaction of >what Todd did to you. Crow: No matter how unlikely that seems. Mike: I thought it was to rebel against the social elite? Tom: Come on, Mike. Deep down, she dresses like that because of the plot having to revolve around her clothes! > But you've got to realize that for every Todd >out there, there's lots of other guys like me. Crow: Oh, *that's* comforting. Mike: Yes ladies, for every scumbag hitman, there's lots of guys out there with practically no social skills. Tom: Boy, that dating scene keeps getting bleaker and bleaker, huh? > Daria, I knew it from >the very depths of my soul when I first met you, that you are a very >special person. Tom: [Daria] So you're saying I'm one of you guys? Crow: [David] Not in THAT sense... > You're not afraid to tell it like it is. You don't >take any bullshit from anyone. Mike: Not even from the bulls. > I like that in a person. Crow: [David] I also have a fetish for chicks in combat boots. > Daria, if I >may be so bold, I want to tell you that I love you. Tom: [Daria, crying] Stop! You had me at bullshit! > And I mean it from >the bottom of my heart." > Crow: [David] My left ventricle, on the other hand, has some mixed feelings. >Daria was overwhelmed. No one ever told her that they loved her. This >was amazing. > Mike: Not to mention just a tad bit premature. Tom: They JUST MET! Crow: Er, wouldn't Jake or Helen have said this to her at *some* point in her life? >"David, I don't know what to say," Daria finally spat out. All: EWWWWWW! Crow: Man, I hate it when I have a sentence stuck between my teeth! > Before she >knew it, she flung herself across the table and began to French kiss >David; her leg was rubbing up against his. > Tom: So what lesson have we learned here? That offering compliments to the mildly depressed gets you a free session of tonsil tennis? >The waitress approached with Daria's order. > Mike: [waitress] Miss, you forgot to tell me what you want for side dishes... oh wait, you already made your decision, I see. Okay! >"Holy moley!," the waitress said. Tom: It's Billy Batson - drag queen! > "I'd better set this aside until you >finish up! Far be it from me to spoil a romantic moment like this!" > Mike: Of course, by "romantic" she means "purely physical lust". Tom: [waitress] I'll just go put some Barry White on. >Daria and David suddenly sprang apart. > Crow: [Coily] NOOOOOOOOOOOO springs! *cuckoo* Tom: Oh, for... You just *knew* that was what she really wanted! Mike: Of course. They hadn't paid their bill yet. >"WHOOPS!," Daria said. "Sorry! I got a bit carried away." > Mike: A BIT? Tom: [Daria] I only meant to just snuggle! Honest! >"Do you want anything, Sir?," the waitress said to David. > Crow: [David] Um, two breasts - EGGS!!! Two eggs, over my hinder. EASY!!! Two EGGS!!! Over EASY!!! >"Uh, er, I'll take the $1.99 Early Bird Breakfast Special," he finally >said. > >The waitress went to process the order. Crow: Wait a minute. Side dish? Hello? What about the drink to wash it all down? Tom: Geez. The service here is horrible. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >After breakfast, Daria went back to her house, and did something >unusual. Mike: She spray-painted her parents' cars a bright turquoise? Tom: She recited the lyrics to "Jambalaya" while standing on her head? Crow: She had a pleasant thought? > She slipped off her boots, took off her green jacket and put >on some red lipstick. She then dug out a pair of high heel shoes she >once wore underneath the bridesmaid gown she once wore to a wedding. Crow: That's it. Nothing else. This will certainly surpass the PG-13 rating for sure now. >Luckily, no one else was up yet, and she darted out of the house >again. Tom: [Daria] Hmm, wonder what that gassy smell was? > Jane was going down the street when she noticed the change in >Daria. > Crow: [Jane] Daria! You've lost all the gray from your hair! Tom: [Daria] Thank you, Grecian Formula 16. >"WHOA!," Jane said, "Don't tell me Quinn got another 'A' on an English >essay and got smart again!" Mike: Don't tell me she's making another lame reference to the show! > She knew the last time Daria put on makeup >done herself up was the last time Quinn got such a grade on an essay. > Crow: Yes, Quinn's essay scores were in direct proportion to her sister's tartiness, or, expressed as a formula, Q(es)::D(t) >"No," Daria said; "I'm in love with David. Tom: I know I won't affect anything after this, but THEY... JUST... MET! Crow: But Servo! They French kissed! It means something! Tom: Oh, stick a Hanes in it, Crow. > He wanted to know what I'd >look like in high heels for a change." > Crow: [Daria] It's your basic "flamingo on stilts" look. Mike: How about doing it on a DATE? Tom: Nuts to that, Mike. They might as well do some wakachika during lunch. >"Man, you've got legs to die for," Jane said in a half-laugh. > Crow: [Jane] In fact, I'll pledge an oath of allegiance to your legs and go fight some obscure battle somewhere just for them! >"Normally, I'd die from embarrassment or rip your throat out," Daria >said, "but I'll let it slide this time." > Tom: And everything this series stood for just died, whimpering like a beaten puppy. >They got into the school and got to their homeroom. Mike: So all the people who are "not awake yet" are late for school or work? > Timothy O'Neill, >who was the girls' English teacher, doubled as their homeroom teacher. Crow: Timothy won't fall down a well or something THIS episode, right? Mike: No, Crow, he won't. >After checking attendance, he motioned to Daria and Jane. > Crow: [O'Neill] Girls, have either of you ever read Nabokov? >"Ms. Li wants to see the both of you at her office during your second >study hall period," he said. "It's about David MacAllister's >petition." > >"Uh, oh," Jane said, "I think someone is trying to knock our man off >the ballot!" > Tom: They're playing King of the Mountain with the precious student election system! Crow: Those bastards! >"You always keep thinking the worst, don't you, Jane?," Daria said. > Mike: Kettle, meet pot. Pot, meet kettle. >"Hell, it's a habit," Jane confessed. Crow: Sally Field *IS* Jane Lane *AS* "The Flying Cynical Nun"! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- Crow: Looks like someone forgot to ASCII us a sheep dog on the edge of that cliff! >When they got to Ms. Li's office, David was there, as well as Sandi >and Tiffany, who was acting as Sandi's campaign manager. > Crow: Actually, Tiffany's just a figurehead: James Carville is the real power behind the throne. Mike: What are they doing here? Is someone trying to knock off Sandi's petition as well? Tom: Petition? Well, gee, you think they would've thought of THAT... >"Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Li, I'm glad you came," Ms. Li said. Tom: How glad? You'll know in a moment. > "It's >about the petition Mr. MacAllister submitted to run for Student >Government President." > Crow: [Ms. Li] It slipped into the shredder! Oops! >"Don't tell me it isn't stapled correctly or is on the wrong colored >paper," said Daria rather sarcastically. > Mike: Don't tell me another dull plot point is coming up, Crow said in exasperation. Tom: [Daria] Look, I didn't even fold it, okay? Just pass the stupid petition so the plot can resume! >"No," Ms. Li shot back, "it's that there are quite a few ineligible >people who signed this petition. Crow: [Ms. Li] I don't think Carson Daly's even registered at this school. And, Daria, who is this "Al Gore" fellow? And these people... "Rally Vincent", "Usagi", "Beavis", "Butthead", "Yerko"... who the heck are these people? > As you know, since most Special >Education students are 'self-contained," or spend all day in one >classroom, they do not vote for homeroom representatives or for any >other office in Student Government. Mike: Uh, that sounds like a stretch. So you're ADMITTING that they can't vote, instead of hiding behind a "self- contained" blanket? Li, you're slipping. Crow: Sheesh, even Slobadan Milosevic had better 'reasons' to dismiss democratic activism. > Therefore, they are ineligible to >sign the petition. Tom: And *immediately*, Warren Christopher shows up. > In fact, most of the signatures are from ineligible >persons. I'm afraid that this petition has to be rejected." > Tom: Don't ya get it, Mike? WELL, DON'T YA?! Mike: Like I care anymore. >"WHAT!," David said in anger. "I busted my ass getting those >signatures! You can't take that away from me!" > Crow: [Daffy] They're *mine*, y'unnerthand?!? Mine mine MINE!!! >"Watch your mouth, young man!," Ms. Li said. > Mike: [David] Well, I tried, but my nose keeps getting in my way. >"You just can't handle the truth," Sandi said; Crow: Sandi Griffith IS Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Politicos". Tom: [Sandi] Like, you want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances! > "there's a reason why >Special Education students can't participate in Student Government >elections. Crow: [Sandi] I threaten them! Oops, did that come out? > They're mentally incompetent! They don't understand the >process!" > Crow: [Sandi] Look at these butterfly ballots they filled out! >"That's the most bigoted piece of bullshit I've ever heard!" David >said. Tom: [David] Aside from that last Eminem CD, of course. > The situation was aggravating his behavior problem. Crow: Yeah, well, it's not doing much for mine, either. > "What you >can't handle is that people like me are born with the same rights as >everyone else. Or have you conveniently forgotten the part of the >Declaration of Independence that says that 'All men are created >equal'?" > Mike: [David] Don't force us to stage a revival of "1776", 'cuz if we have to, we will! >"Retarts like you belong to a mental institution," Sandi shot back. > Crow: [Sandi] I mean, quoting the *Declaration of Independence* in a debate? Like, wow! >"WHY YOU!--," David screamed as he lunged for Sandi. > Tom: Well, Jefferson was no help. On to Plan B! Crow: Wow. Two hundred and twenty-five years of American political debate condensed into three concise sentences. >"David, no!," Daria said, as she and Jane tried to restrain him. > Mike: The next governor of Minnesota, ladies and gentlemen! Crow: Apparently, debate club isn't really popular at Lawndale High. Tom: Oh, why can't they handle their differences the civilized way and have a one-on-one cage match on Pay-Per-View? >Suddenly, the door burst open. A man who looked vaguely half white, >half black Mike: It's the Monochromatic Kid! Tom: It's Frank Gorshin, from that Star Trek episode! Crow: It's Tiger, here to kick ass and play the back nine, and he's all out of golf tees! > with brown dreadlocks entered the room. > Tom: Oh, wait, it's just Lenny Kravitz. >"We've heard enough!," he said. > Mike: But he was outside! How could he hear anything? Tom: Ah, but nothing *was* enough. >"Who the hell are you," Ms. Li yelled, "and what are you doing here?" > Mike: Fanfic police! You're all under arrest for a senseless plot going nowhere. Daria, your out of character outbursts are gonna be noted in your permanent record. >"The name's Zack de la Rocha, lead singer for Rage Against the >Machine," he said. [Silence] Mike: Okay, this is now the goofiest crossover we've ever read. Crow: What about when Jean Luc met the Rugrats? Mike: This is still goofier. > Suddenly, several other people stepped into the >room. Crow: People such as Marina Sirtis! Mike: Salman Rushdie! Tom: Former President Gerald R. Ford! Crow: Ricky Martin! Mike: Cheri Oteri! Tom: Greg Norman! > They were Zack's bandmembers: guitarist Tom Morello; bassist >Timmy C.; All: TIMM-ME! > and drummer Brad Wilk. Mike: None of who will have any lines. But hey, it's an honor just to be mentioned. > Also entering the room were two men >in business suits, as well as two women. Tom: o/~ Now swing your partner, do-si-do, swap your portfolios and kiss the boss' floor! o/~ > Daria recognized one of them >as her mother. Crow: Well, I should hope so! > Trent also entered. > Tom: No matter what they did, people just kept entering and entering and entering the room. Mike: [Trent] Don't mind me. I'm just a background character. >Zack went up to Sandi and said, "You listen to me, you bitch! Mike: Whoa, celebrity guest star down-talks a student? Crow: She's not WORTH being called a bi-atch, Zackie. > You >don't deny anyone their basic rights as human beings because they've >got some mental condition!" > Tom: [Zack] You do it so you can achieve your goals as a brutal dictator! Speaking of which, hi Ms. Herr Li. Mike: And we have finally become trapped in the nightmarish fantasy land the author has made all his own. >Sandi flinched backwards in her seat. > Crow: Good comeback by Sandi! I never thought of flinching to make my narrow-minded point! Tom: Sandi has a phobia of minor rock stars with no discernible talent. >The second woman who entered went up to Ms. Li. "I'm Jamie Young," she >began, Crow: I sell home accessories, garden accessories, ceramics, lighting, and so much more! Mike: Not the website, Crow. Tom: o/~ This is the story that doesn't end. Yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it not knowing what it was... o/~ > "legal counsel for Rage Against the Machine. I guess you know >Attorney Morgendorffer. Crow: Yes, this is her daughter, Student Morgendorffer. > These two gentlemen are Darren Steele Mike: Brother of Trent Steele and longtime friend of Max Power. > and Roy >Smitts Tom: [quickly] Switch! > from the Lawndale office for the Federal Department of >Education, Office for Civil Rights." > Mike: Yet another pointless introduction scene brought to you by Guerin Industries. Tom: You want politics? We got your politics! You want bureaucracy? We got your bureaucracy! You want more legal issues shoved up your area? >"Ms. Li," Mr. Steele said, "Mr. Lane here, as well as Mr. de la Rocha, >told me about the situation at Lawndale High. Crow: [Steele] Mr. Roach would like to also star in an animated series about disaffected youth. He has a pilot called "Zackia" he wants you to look at... > Excluding any Special >Education student--regardless of whether they're self-contained or >mainstreamed--from any student activities is in violation of the Civil >Rights Act. Tom: [Ms. Li] Even in my self-proclaimed Kingdom of Liville? > We just happened to listen to your conversation; we were >just outside the door. Mike: [Steele] We believe no one should violate anyone else's civil liberties - unless it's *us* and we really *really* need to! > Those signatures are going to count, as per our >orders. If you do not let this petition stand, Mike: It's tired of sitting down all the time! > we will take action, >including withholding Federal money to Lawndale Unified School >District Tom: [Ms. Li] All right - we'll crush the spirits of the students by making them sell *chocolate!* Mike: We'll sing, and make your kids rebel against your authority! Ha! Crow: They're gonna tell Dubya to withhold subsides? Does he think it's that hard? > and possible civil and criminal action, until you are in >compliance." > Crow: [Steele] We'll *force* you to be compassionate! >"You just can't barge in here like this!," Ms. Li said. Mike: You're tying up river traffic all the way back to Des Moines! > "I'm going to >call the superintendent and inform him about this!" > Crow: EHHH! I'm sorry, but that answer made absolutely no reference to Zackie's threats! Tom: It's Ms. "Stonewall" Li against La Rocha in a one-on-one! >"The superintendent already knows about this," Mr. Smitts said. > Crow: For he is all-powerful and all-knowing! >"And I won't hesitate to start civil action on behalf of David >myself," Helen added. > Mike: Gallant tries to negotiate a reasonable settlement with the school district that meets both parties' desires. Goofus jumps straight to the lawsuit, costing the district thousands of dollars in legal fees that could have been used to help special-ed students instead of lawyers. >"You can't do this!," Ms. Li said. "I'm the chief administrative >official of this learning institution, and what I say goes!" > Tom: [Ms. Li] Now, where are my damn strawberries? >"Not if it violates Federal law, ma'am," Mr. Steele replied. > Crow: [Ms. Li] L'ecole, c'est moi. Tom: And not unless you've got Janet Reno in your pocket. >"Just in case you were going to do this," Ms. Young said, "we got an >injunction stopping you from throwing out the petition. Crow: Is there such a thing as a preemptory restraining order? Mike: And isn't that what they were going to do anyway? Tom: Just smile and nod, guys. > Mr. >MacAllister will be running for Student Government President, or you >will have the Federal Government all over your case so fast it won't >even be funny." > Crow: Well, if they have done so much just to get David running for President, why couldn't they use that same effort to actually BRING equal rights to the school? >"You think you can just get away with this!," Sandi said. "Next thing >you know, you'll be saying that retarts like him should be >valedictorian." > Tom: Well, at the moment, he does seem to be the smartest person in the school. Mike: ...What? Run that by me again, I think that analogy just went over my head. >"The only thing that's retarded is your bigoted thinking," Zack shot >back at her. > Tom: FINALLY! Someone who can spell the word! >"You have no choice in this matter, Ms. Li," Mr. Smitts said. "And, >just in case anyone tries to do something stupid, we will have FBI >agents and Federal Marshals here to enforce this decision." > Crow: Um, has there been an actual legal decision to warrant the law enforcement agencies getting involved? Mike: Nope. Just the usual jack-booted thuggery. >"All right," Ms. Li said, "have it your way! Tom: At Burger King! > But I do intend to file a >protest with the State Department of Education." > Crow: On what grounds, exactly? In fact, what kind of shot in Satan's backyard does Li think she has? >"The State Department of Education has been informed about this," Mr. >Steele said; "and they said they would fully cooperate with us in this >matter." > Mike: The entire world just said "Nyah!" to Ms. Li. >"It looks like your campaign will go on after all, David," Daria said >to him. > Crow: And thus the protest campaign goes on after the government and the bureaucracy agrees with them? I thought the idea was to CHANGE their viewpoints. Mike: The plot's confusing enough as is, Crow. >"I'm going to win this election and keep retarts like you out of >Student Government if it's the last thing I ever do!," Sandi said. > Crow: [Lawyer] Sorry, the President and the UN Secretary-General have already declared David the winner. You have no choice in this. >"Yeah," Tiffany said, "and I stand by every word she says!" Mike: She's just begging to be incriminated against, does she? > "Now I >know the whole lot of them are brain-dead!," Daria said to Jane. > >Sandi and Tiffany walked out of the office. Daria, Jane and David >followed. Mr. Steele Crow: Remington? > and Mr. Smitts Mike: Who's just been replaced by Mr. Schroeder. > left papers on Ms. Li's desk. > Tom: Here, keep yourself busy with some paperwork. It's good for the work ethic. >"I think that takes care of matters for now," Mr. Steel said. Crow: Great. Another one of these guys has shown up! > "We will >be back." Mike: [Steele] And next time, we break out the big guns! Bots: NO! Mike: [Steele] Yes! We're bringing the Deputy Assistant Undersecretary of Education for Special Lawndale Affairs! > Everyone else left the room, leaving Ms. Li alone. > Crow: [Li] Wait! Don't go! I'm so lonely! Injunct me some more! >"Try to take over my school, will they!," she muttered to herself. Tom: [Wicked Witch] I'll get you my pretty, and your little retart too! >"I'll show them! I'll show them all!" Crow: Ah, she must be related to good ol' Dr. Forrester! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- Mike: Meanwhile, in a fanfic even further away from reality... >Daria, Jane, David and Helen were now going down the hall. Rather >uncharacteristically for Daria, All: AGAIN? > she turned around and said to Helen, Crow: [Daria] How come you didn't swear like La Rocha here? >"Thanks, Mom, for helping us back there." > [All gasp.] Tom: Thanking someone! Big step there, Daria! Crow: I think my parser just jumped! >"My pleasure, Daria," Helen said. "But this battle is far from over." > Tom: How very Zen. Mike: I think I'm more impressed on how a plot can go nowhere and still take over 100 pages to tell. >Just how far they had to go was going to be shown to them real soon. Crow: Yes, the distance to go to be gone to show how far they had to go would soon go far enough to be shown to go to them. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- Mike: Meanwhile, in a fanfic completely far away. >An emergency meeting of the football team had just been announced. Crow: But nobody went. Now back to our story. > The >coach had asked everyone over to the boys' locker room. Everyone was >now facing the coach. > Mike: Yes, everyone! Including such luminaries as Mort Walker! Crow: Katerina Witt! Tom: Andrew, Duke of York! Mike: Valerie Bertinelli! Crow: Pat Hingle! Tom: Funnyman Guichee Guy! >"Gentlemen," he began, "I've found out who it was who ordered our >defensive backfield to beat up those who were trying to sign David >MacAllister's petition to run for Student Government President. Crow: [Coach] Obviously, it should have been the Offensive Front Four! We can't keep making these mistakes and win the championship! > It was >Sandi from the Fashion Club. Mike: Word doesn't travel fast to the coach, does it? > Mack here told me he found out about it >when he stumbled onto one of their meetings. Tom: [Mack] D'oh! Don't say my name out loud! Crow: [Mack] Do the words "PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR" mean anything? > Therefore, given the >grievous nature of what happened, I have no other alternative than to >expel the defensive backfield from the team, Tom: Oh, the backfield's in motion. [Mike & Crow groan.] > and I will tell Ms. Li >about this whole affair. Crow: The End of the Affair 2: Basic Training. Mike: It's almost like telling a congressman that the office has some corruptive dealings and expecting it to be stopped. > I can assure you that Sandi and the other >members of the Fashion Club will be disciplined to the fullest extent >possible." > Tom: What? He's gonna make them run laps? >There was a big uproar from the members of the defensive backfield. > Mike: [dully] And the opposition benches in the House of Commons roar angrily as yet another exchange of words take place... >"You can't do that to us!," they yelled. "The opening game's this >Saturday! There's no time to train new people!" > Crow: Football conscription centers soon opened up all over the school. >"You should have thought of that before you beat up that kid," the >coach said. > Tom: But if they could think at all, they wouldn't be on the team! >"You're a dead man, Mack!," yelled one of the players. Crow: Hey, why not threaten the coach too? That'll REALLY help your resume! > "A dead man!" > >"You keep Mack Daddy out of this!," Kevin suddenly found himself >saying. > Tom: [Kevin] Damn mouth, it always trails off like that. Why I oughta... I like cookies! Ugh! >One of the defensive backs lunged for him, knocking Mack over in the >process. Mike: So, did he lunge for Kevin or Mack? Tom: Who cares? They'll get clobbered either way. Crow: [random defensive back] Look, coach, I'm the best tackler! See? PLEASE don't kick me off the team! WAAAAH! > A melee was soon underway. Tom: I'd describe it more as a skirmish. Crow: Nah, a scuffle's more appropriate. Mike: Thank you, Mr. Thesaurus. > The coach had to call for school >security to diffuse the situation. Mike: Yeah, this is a good idea - three or four paunchy geezers trying to restrain a tankful of 200-lb hormone-charged adolescents. > The security personnel soon >restored order. > [Tom snickers.] Crow: Is this Lawndale or Seattle? I can never tell. Mike: Lawndale didn't have ANY security when those nutbars invaded in "Riff on the Lawndale Pundit." Tom: That was after the massive layoffs when they got rid of all the red tape and bureaucracy. >"Now, as for those who are being kicked off the team," the coach said, Tom: Shouldn't they be arrested? Crow: And charged with what in this fanfic? Upsetting the plot? >"I want your things out of the lockers by the end of the day Friday! >Some of us are going to have to pull double duty until we have >replacement players. Tom: Keanu Reeves will be there Tuesday. > If I hear any more lip from anyone about this, I >will not hesitate to tell Ms. Li about it for appropriate action! That >is all!" > Crow: You are the weakest links. Goodbye! >The expelled players left the room, shouting "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck >you!" > Tom: Kind of an aggressive koan, isn't it? Mike: Stick and stones may break my bones, but repetition will never hurt me. Crow: That's what you keep on saying every fanfic. Mike: I know. >"We're gonna kill that motherfucking retart!," said another one of the >players. > Crow: You're gonna kill a lot of people, aren't you? You sure you don't wanna write it all down? >Mack turned to Kevin and said, "Thanks for saving my hide there, >Kevin." This time, he was going to overlook his being called "Mack >Daddy". > Mike: Ten minutes later, Kevin called him "little buddy", sending Mack on a murderous rampage. >"Of course, I've probably lost some friends over this now," Kevin >said. > Crow: With friends like them, who needs common sense? >"You've still got me, man," Mack said. Tom: Oh, *that's* reassuring! > They left the locker room and >headed back to class. Mike: The moral of this scene? Swearing doesn't get you anywhere. Crow: Neither does lunging for someone during a meeting. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The players who had just been kicked off the football team were now >craving for revenge. > Tom: Hmmm, revenge. Beefy! Mike: Check your grocery store's freezer section for the freshest ice cold revenge! >"When we find that retart," one of them said, "we're gonna nail his >ass to the wall!" > Crow: Pfeh! Trophy hunters! Mike: Ah, this must be another scene involving senseless fighting by brain-dead doofuses! Hope they got their jockstraps on! >Daria, Jane and David were now putting up posters for the election. Tom: David MacAllister for President. Willing to get dirty with the campaign, willing to get dirty with the issues. >They said, "Vote for David MacAllister for Student Government >President. He'll bring real change to Lawndale High." Tom: I like mine better. > Jane had done >them up herself. > Crow: [Jane] Someday the critics will look back on this as my "Whiny Wimp Campaign" period. >"This isn't the type of artwork I usually do," Jane said, "but it'll >do in a pinch." > >"I can't believe things are going my way for once," David said. > Mike: A-a-a-a-and cue the plot complication - now! >Just then, the expelled players turned the corner and saw them. > Tom: Translation: The bad guys say hi, then invite the good guys over for some tea and crumpets, followed by a typical fight scene. >"Wait a minute!," David said. "Those are the guys who beat up Andrew!" > Mike: [David] I sure wish I had the Baltimore Ravens with me right now. Tom: [David] Wait a minute, there are posters on the wall! >"There's the retart who got us kicked off the team!," shouted one of >them. > Tom: David MacAllister's the coach? Wow, he may have ADD, but he can assume more responsibilities than your average joe! >"What do you mean by that?," David asked. > Crow: He really does have a learning problem! >"We just got kicked off the team because of you," said another player. >"We didn't beat that kid up!" > Mike: And we didn't steal no bike either! >"I'd better have my prescription for my glasses checked, then," Daria >said. "If I recall, you did beat Andrew up." > Crow: Oh yeah, that's right. Well, never mind then. Carry on. >"Keep out of this, Misery Chick!," yelled a third player. Tom: Mike, is she known as the "Misery Chick"? Mike: I think she is, Tom. Tom: Wow, I never knew that! > Some people >in school did call Daria that insulting name of "Misery Chick," Tom: NOBODY EVER CALLED HER THAT ON-SCREEN! Crow: C'mon, Mike, one letter to Glen Eichler and Abby Terkhule will solve this! Mike: [mumbling] Like we aren't hated enough as it is... > but it >was more often than not by the members of the football team. The name >had been coined by the late legendary Lawndale Lions football great >Tommy Sherman, Tom: Okay, nobody *but* Tommy Sherman, and the only people who heard him say that were Daria and Jane! Mike: Relax, Tom, it's just a - Tom: I'm sick of that phrase! It's my God-given right to nit-pick! > who died when a goalpost collapsed on top of him when >he paid a visit to his alma mater. > Crow: [Paul Harvey] And NOW you know... theeeeee REST of the story! Good DAY! >"You know, I don't like that name, 'The Misery Chick!,'" Daria shot >back. > Crow: I don't like that name, "Engelbert Humperdink", but there's nothing I can do about it. Mike: Yep, that's a sure-fire way of making them stop, Daria. Tom: I don't think even shooting them will stop them. >Suddenly, the whole lot of them began to shout in a sing-song voice: Bots: o/~ One two, the Misery Chick's coming for you, three four, she's gonna make you snore! o/~ >"MISERY CHICK! MISERY CHICK!" > Mike: The world's largest second-graders, ladies & gentlemen. Crow: I'm still waiting for the crotch kicking to begin. What's taking it so long? >David got angry. > Mike: You wouldn't like him when he's angry... or calm, or hungry, or sleepy. >"Leave Daria alone!," he said. "She doesn't have anything to do with >this!" > Tom: Wow, it's just a few days into his political career and already he's lying! >"She's your campaign manager," said a fourth player. Crow: Wow! Jack Snow just showed up! > "Besides, you've >got a thing for her now, don't you? The whole school's been talking >about how you and Daria were liplocking at Smoggy Ralph's Bistro. Tom: Of course, visibility *was* near zero, so who can tell? >Freaks of nature deserve each other, don't they?" > Crow: What about freaks of science? They shouldn't be left out. >David couldn't take it anymore. > Mike: [David] Where's my security guards when I need them? ANDREA! >"I'M NOT A FREAK OF NATURE!," he yelled, Crow: [David] I AM A FREE MA... ah hell. > then hit him right across the >face. The others lunged right for him. > Tom: Don't they ever tackle? Crow: You'd think so with defensive backs, would ya? >David suddenly screamed with an unholy yell Tom: The part of David will now be played by Linda Blair. > and charged right at them. Crow: Mike, is this lack of social skills only a feature of Pete's Lawndale High, or is it like this everywhere? Mike: *sigh* Actually, you'd be surprised. > >"David, no!," Daria said. She got into the fracas. > Crow: Ah, finally! Kick them crotches, Daria! >The football players now surrounded David, Tom: Ah, this must be the part where each person comes out one at a time, allowing themselves to get beaten up one by one. > throwing punches at him. He >took quite a few hits. He began to fight back, though. > Tom: If you could call whimpering like a mama's boy fighting back. Mike: Worked for me! >"David, stop!," Daria said. Mike: [Daria] Don't fight back! Sure, your life is in danger, but just let yourself get beaten up! > But David responded by throwing a few >punches. Crow: [Daria] Not me, silly! The football players! > He then sent a crashing blow right into the abdomen of one of >his tormentors. Crow: Not in the crotch? I'm disappointed! Well, not much, anyway. > He fell to the floor, screaming. Tom: Who would have thought that a mere football player has *real* abs of steel? > He grabbed this >abdomen, then saw blood beginning to soak his jersey. > Tom: So the cream of the defensive squad is getting its collective hinder handed to it by one gawky kid? Crow: This is more sci-fi than an entire season's worth of "Farscape". >"NO!," he said. > Crow: [flatly] Oh the carnage. Oh the humanity. Mike: David or the player? Tom: ...Yes. >"David, stop!," Daria finally said one more time. Mike: Yes, I would find it hard to form a sentence like that myself. > Suddenly, in blind >rage, David punched her right in the face. Suddenly, Daria went down >like lead. Mike: Crisp and clean, without all that nickel-y aftertaste! > David saw it happen and was horrified. > Crow: [David] Hmmm, Daria fell down after I punched her. I wondered how that happened? >"DARIA! NO!," David screamed. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO HIT YOU!" > Tom: [David] I was just playing around, honest! You all didn't see anything! >He ran to her. A crowd had gathered. > Mike: Inappropriately, they began to sing "Ding dong, the Wicked Witch is dead!" Tom: There's that crowd again. Now if only their fire drill response times were good. >"Someone call 911!," screamed one of the players. "Someone's hurt very >bad!" > Crow: [Player] And it ain't gonna be me! Waitaminit... >Mr. O'Neill got up and saw that the player had recently had surgery in >the area where David had hit him. Mike: And he was pushing himself to play football? Not buying it! > David's punch had apparently broken >open some surgical stitches. > Crow: Either he's the most pumped-up special ed student in history, or the doctors at Lawndale General have been using lace stitchery. >"Daria, Daria, speak to me!," David said. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm >sorry!" He began to cry, embracing Daria. > Tom: I love mah dead gay son! >"This young man needs to go to a hospital fast!," Mr. O'Neill said. >"He's bleeding profusely!" > Tom: He was unsure at first, but after seeing the bleeding close-up... Crow: o/~ Great gory globs of greasy grimy athlete guts... o/~ Mike: Okay, that's enough. >The school nurse arrived and administered emergency first aid on the >player. > Mike: She tied a tourniquet around his torso. Crow: Forget professional help from the Emergency Room, just get the school nurse patch up those stitches! >Daria, who was stunned, was slowly regaining consciousness. > Crow: [Daria] Oh, Trent, I dreamt I was in this crappy story and there was this loser who had the hots for me... AGH! >"David. . .David, is that you?," Daria finally said, groggy-headed. > >"Daria? Daria!," David said, "You're all right! Thank God you're all >right! I didn't mean to hit you! I'm so sorry!" Mike: [David] Cuz if I'd meant to, you'd be on the way to the ICU now! Did you see how I took out Mr. Bigshot Jock back there?!? > He began to cry again. > >"It's OK, David, it's OK," Daria said, giving David a hug. >"Everything's going to be all right." > Tom: Someone's bleeding profusely and needs help? Bah, let's just laugh it off and go get some snowcones! >"I don't think you can really say that," Jane said. "That last blow >David landed has apparently burst open surgical stitches one of the >players has. He's bleeding pretty badly." > Crow: Again, as previously indicated. Tom: C'mon, Pete, expository dialogue isn't just filler - it's EXPOSI-FRIGGING-TORY!!! It tells the story! Let it do its job! >Suddenly, the Lawndale EMS arrived, as well as two police officers. > Crow: Oh, *now* the LPD is prompt. Mike: Militias running amok? No biggie. A fight at the school? Let's roll! >"Officer," one of the players said, "that man over there hit him so >hard, his surgical stitches burst open. Arrest him!" > Tom: [Player] Waah! The scrawny geek beat us up! Waah! Crow: For crying out loud, guys, suck it up! >The officers approached David. > Mike: A lot of approaching in this fanfic. You think they'd be ready for a gun duel or something. >"What's your name, son?," asked the first officer. > Crow: [David] You're not my father! >"David MacAllister," he said. > >"David MacAllister," the second officer said, "you're under arrest for >assault with intent to murder." > Tom: Battery? Hah! That's for wussies! We go straight for the big stuff! Mike: [cop] But since you're a juvenile, we'll let you off with a stern warning and a call to your parents! >"NO!," David said. All: Yes? > "I didn't know he had surgical stitches! I'm >innocent!" > Mike: So, for all my troubles in school, I could've just called the police to arrest the bully? Tom: I think Lawndale passed some anti-bully legislation. >"Come with us," said the first officer. > Tom: Whadaya know? Turns out somebody's goin' to emergency, *and* somebody's goin' to jail! Crow: Now if only this story would be over in a New York Minute. >"NO!," David roared. Mike: [cop] Uh, that wasn't an offer. > He ran down the hall, with the officers in >pursuit. Mike: Nice of them to throw in a wacky chase now. Tom: Yeah, it really cuts the tension. Crow: Resisting arrest. Great move, David! This'll look great for your defense! > They caught up with him, and sprayed mace in his eyes. Tom: Oh, they're New York cops! Crow: And once again, the citizens of Lawndale resort to overreaction. Mike: It's the community pastime. > He was >sent howling. They slapped the cuffs on him and read him his rights. > Tom: [cop] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can drive people nuts in this fanfic. You have the right to an attorney, and if you can't find one, we'll give you the worst we can find. >"I'm innocent! They want to get rid of me because I've got a behavior >problem!," David yelled in a savage voice. > Crow: And now waiving the right to remain silent. Yep, David sure is keeping his cool here! Mike: I tried that on a cop once and all I got was a finger jabbed up my nose. Crow: Mike, you do that all the time. Mike: It was *his* finger. Tom: Where did you go to school, Attica High? >"David, no!," Daria said. Suddenly, she found herself crying. "This >isn't fair!" > Tom: [Daria] If I were fully able, I'd kick their crotches and we'd go on a high-speed chase in a Pinto! Crow: Tell me about it! The innocent waste away in jail while the real criminals are free to write! >Jane went up to her and gave her a hug. "We'll find a way to get him >out of this, Daria," she said; "even if it's the last thing we ever >do." Crow: Unfortunately, I have the feeling it won't even be the last thing you do in this story. Tom: Well, the next thing we have to do is get out of here. [Mike picks Tom up and all three leave the theater.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The doors upon onto the bridge. The command console has been draped with a red and white checkered tablecloth and a lit candle planted in a bottle sits atop it. Mike enters, along with the bots.] Mike: Good evening. Tonight on the Satellite of Love we take a look at the romantic effects of the diner. Crow: Yes, the humble diner, once thought to be merely a place to eat, has been shown to be a hotbed of romantic intrigue. Tom: Just look at recent examples - David and Daria in tonight's story. Mike: Harry and Sally. Crow: Skyler and Will In "Good Will Hunting." Mike: Say, I heard that Matt Damon was working on a sequel where he plays a character named King Wenceslas Looked Down. He's calling it Good King Wenc... Crow: We've already heard that one, Mike. Mike: Oh. [pause] Anyway, the bots here are going to demonstrate the romantic potential of diners. Gentlemen, if you will. [Mike bows with a flourish and exits. The bots move behind the console.] Crow: I had a lovely time tonight. Tom: Thank you. I thought that you'd enjoy the exhibit. Ooh. They've got onion rings here! Nummy! Crow: You're much more of a gentlemen than I ever suspected. Kinda handsome too. Tom: Should I get a cheeseburger or a grilled cheese sandwich? They both sound so good. Crow: You know, after dinner we could head back to my house. My parents won't be home for hours... Tom: Wow! They sell milkshakes here too! Crow: You know, dairy based drinks make me really h... [Alarms begin to sound.] Crow: There's an alarm for saying that? Mike: [rushing in] No! Someone's boarding the ship! [As Mike speaks, the bridge fills with smoke. Dramatic music begins to play as Cambot zooms in on a section of smoke lit from the back. From the haze step four men, who are quickly revealed as...] All: GASP! IT'S ROCK/RAP FUSION ARTISTS LIMP BIZKIT! Tom: With singer Fred Durst, Sam Rivers on bass, John Otto on drums, and Wes Burland on guitar! Crow: Nice expository intro, Tom. Tom: Thanks. Fred: Hey. [The remainder of the band mumbles hellos as well.] Mike: What brings you guys here? Fred: We heard you guys had a keg up here. Crow: No... Mike: Yeah, we do. From Tom's little James Joyce episode. [Mike and Crow turn to stare at Tom, who looks sheepish.] Tom: It's over there. Fred: Cool. Thanks. [The band exits, stage right.] Crow: Is that it? Tom: They have to be here for more than that. Mike: I'll find out. Hey guys? [Fred re-enters, carrying a blue opaque plastic cup, which he occasionally takes a sip from.] Fred: Yeah? Mike: So, are you guys up here to fight some sort of injustice? Tom: Say by taking up the cause of a goofball and a pair of cute robots unjustly locked up on a satellite? Fred: Nah. We were just thirsty. [Silence.] Crow: So, you came all the way up here for beer? Fred: Free beer's free beer. [Silence.] Mike: Er? Can we get a song from you at least? [Fred shakes his head.] Fred: Sure. You got a hamburger filled with meal worms that I can snack on? Crow: Um, no. Fred: How about some animated killer hot dogs? Tom: Fresh out. Fred: Bikini clad women spitting out bombs? Mike: Nope. Fred: Dude. I need my props. Mike: Come on Mr. Durst. Hey! Pretend it's "Unplugged"! Fred: Dude. They're on MTV2. That'd be slumming. Crow: Hey, N'Synch played up here. Fred: They did? Mike: [whispering] Crow! Crow: [whispering] Play along, Mike. [Fred shrugs and puts down the cup.] Fred: Well, if those pretty boys can play here, so can I. Ladies! [Music begins to play and the Fred Durst dancers enter from off stage and begin to dance in time to the music.] Fred: o/~ I came into the wor... o/~ Bandguy: [O.S.] Hey Fred! They're out of beer! [Fred and da girls stop dancing.] Fred: Oh. Gotta run guys. Mike: Hey, can you at least drop us back home? Fred: Can't. Got other stops to make. [Fred exits.] Fred: [O.S.] Hey guys, d'ya suppose they've got vodka on the Mir? Bandguy: [O.S.] Probably. [The crew stares at the departing rock stars as the lights begin to flash.] Crow: Remind me to break all of our copies of their CDs. Mike: I don't think we own any. Crow: Well, then remind me to upload a bunch of Metallica MP3s to Napster and tell Lars they did it. Tom: Oooh. Better. Mike: We got Guerin sign, guys. [Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The guys enter and sit.] >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 5: Executive Action Tom: They're sending in Kurt Russell to end this? Cool! Mike: Daria Morgendorffer *IS* Marrissa Picard *AS* Jack Ryan! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Word of David's arrest soon reached Rage Against the Machine, who were >in their hotel room. Crow: They were trying to decide whether to Rage Against the Coffeemaker, Rage Against the TV Remote, or Rage Against the Clock-Radio. > They were going to be here in Lawndale anyway, >since they were going to play a concert at Lawndale Park on Saturday. Crow: Lawndale! A place for light industrial development and concerts for obscure bands! Tom: Obscure? Crow: Oh bite me. >Trent was with them at the time when they saw the report on the TV. > Mike: For reasons best left to be unexplained. Crow: [Zack] We should do something, man! Tom: [Trent] Yeah, like change the channel. This is really harshing my buzz. >"David MacAllister," the reporter said, "who is hoping to make history >by becoming the first Special Education student to be elected Student >Government President at Lawndale High School, Tom: Yeah, that'll make his name a memorial for all time. > was accused of severely >injuring a football player who was tormenting him by hitting him right >where he had recently had surgery to remove his appendix." > Mike: [reporter] MacAllister reportedly used his ultrasenses and fluid-like reflexes to determine just which one had the unrevealed surgery. Crow: [reporter] He was also listening to German heavy metal and playing Quake before it happened. >"What the motherfuck did they do that for?," Zack shouted. Tom: He hit someone, and made him bleed. That good enough? > "They >railroaded him Mike: [Zack] It's settled! We Rage Against Thomas the Tank Engine! > just like they did to our brothers Leonard Peltier and >Mumia Abu-Jamal." > Tom: Yeah, Special Ed students have it *so* much harder than Native Americans and African-Americans! >"This isn't good," Trent said. "We've got to do something." > Mike: [drummer] I'll climb up on a statue at an awards show! That should bring attention to our cause! >"I'm going to call the local chapter of the ACLU and see if they can >help," Zack replied. Crow: [Trent] Don't bother. They're all down at the courthouse defending the rights for Neo-Nazis to burn down the ACLU headquarters. > "Meanwhile, Tom, you go and hit the streets. Tom: Um, okay. Should I look for Huggy Bear while I'm at it? > Tell >the folks out there we're going to hold an impromptu concert at the >local jail." > Mike: This should go over about as well as their attempt to perform at the Stock Exchange. Crow: Translation: Bring everyone over! We're gonna have a riot at the local jail, and if you don't like it, well up yours! >"Right," Tom said. He left. > Mike: Sit down, Tom. Tom: But I didn't even move! Mike: You were going to. >"I don't know how Daria is taking this," Trent said. "But if I know >her, she's not going to take this lying down." Crow: Meanwhile... Tom: *doodly-doodly-doodly* Mike: [Daria] I think I'll just lie down. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >At the Lawndale City Jail, Daria, Jane and Helen were trying to get >David free. Tom: You can get David free, too! Just send three proofs of purchase from "Peteguerin" brand Fanfiction, with $4.95 shipping and handling to "Free David", PO Box 5428, Culver City, California! > They were speaking to the warden. > Mike: [Daria] So it's agreed. In exchange for David, we'll give you a carton of cigarettes and Quinn. >"This case is very serious," the warden said. Crow: [Warden] Sure, mass genocide, serial killing, rape, and murder are all bad crimes, but this "assault" thing is just uncalled for in our judicial system! > "The person Mr. >MacAllister assaulted was lucky to have the broken stitches repaired >and is alive. Tom: Good thing he wasn't planning to do anything strenuous, like play football or commit ultraviolence. Mike: Yeah, cuz you know how delicate those several-week old appendectomy stitches can be. > Normally in a case like this bail will be denied or set >at a very high level." > Crow: [Warden] But since the author likes him, we're freeing him and naming him Chief of Police! >"We want David released on his own recognizance," Helen demanded. "I >have some very influential friends on the Lawndale Bar Association who >owe me quite a few favors, and they won't hesitate to help me in this >matter." > Tom: Ah, threatening an officer. This keeps getting worse and worse. Mike: Not in THAT sense, Tom. >"This is out of my hands," the warden said. "I have to follow the >guidelines set down by the state." > Crow: Which is? Tom: Oh don't tell me you're THAT interested again? Sheesh, you wanted to know which state the Simpsons live in! Crow: I still can't accept Kentucky as the answer! >Suddenly, one of the prison guards came in. > Mike: How frightening, a prison guard going to a jail... Tom: Why is it always suddenly? Can't they just come in eventually for once? Crow: Suddenly, someone twitched! Suddenly, someone came in to get bail for a buddy! Suddenly, someone's foot itched! >"Sorry to bother you, Sir," the guard began, "but there seems to be a >protest outside the jail." > Crow: [cop] They're marching in support of decreasing CO2 emission levels. We're not quite sure why they're picketing us. >Everyone ran out to the front. Tom: And Daria finished first, with Jane, the warden, and Helen following! > There was a huge crowd, and they were >all shouting "FREE DAVID! FREE DAVID! FREE DAVID!" > Mike: IN SPECIALLY MARKED BOXES OF FROSTED DARIA FLAKES! Crow: Too bad they're there to support David Crosby. >A makeshift stage had been set up. Crow: In the middle of the street, blocking traffic. Tom: That'll help their cause, all right. > Suddenly, Rage Against the Machine >appeared. Mike: People appear more suddenly than in a lame action flick! > They were dressed up like Holocaust victims; Tom: Okay, now we've passed from silly to just plain offensive! Crow: Next we'll be comparing this to the Rwandan genocide! > on each of >their shirts was a red letter "R", Mike: Ah. Team Rocket is impersonating Rage as part of a cunning plan to capture Pikachu. > which stood for "Retart". Crow: Or "Rutabaga". There's a lot of Vegans in the jail too. > Trent was >dressed up like Simon Legree and began to crack a whip. > Tom: He then proceeded to give the past the slip. >"Move it, retarts!," Trent yelled. > Mike: Boy, everybody's really showing unexpected sides to their character. >"Kind or reminds you of when they showed up at Woodstock '94 naked >with their mouths taped shut to protest music censorship, doesn't >it?," Jane said to Daria. > Tom: Except for the little fact that they aren't at a concert, and they aren't naked, and their mouths aren't taped shut, and they're protesting something entirely different - well, sure! Mike: Still, without the tape over their mouths, they might actually try and sing. >Daria just stood there in silence. > Crow: Well heck, who wouldn't after looking at that? >Zack now took the mike. Mike: Then he added a dash of servo and a pinch of crow. Tom: Then he mixed in the pearl and bobo, and added some observer for flavor. > "Good evening, everyone," he began, "we're >Rage Against the Machine. Crow: [Zack] HELLOOOOOOO DENVER! Mike: [mumbles something] Crow: [Zack] Um, I mean, HELLOOOOOOO LAWNDALE! > We've set up this impromptu concert in >protest of the jailing of David MacAllister, who's running for Student >Government President at Lawndale High School. Crow: [Zack] And because there are no other good causes this week. Tom: [protester] He's a politician? Ah, screw this, I'm outta here! > Some people don't want >to run for office because he's a Special Education student. Tom: What? The mere fact of his existence crushes the ambitions of others? Crow: Zack, I thought you were on his side! > Well, >guess what we have to say about that?" > Tom: That when they get back to civilization, their agent is a dead man? >The crowd began to shout the most famous line from their first his >song, "Killing in the Name": > Crow: The crowd's hit song? Mike: Well, doesn't a great work of art belong to all of us? >"FUCK YOU! I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME! FUCK YOU! I WON'T DO WHAT YOU >TELL ME! FUCK YOU! I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME! FUCK YOU! I WON'T DO >WHAT YOU TELL ME!" > Mike: Poetic structure worthy of Dante's "Inferno". Crow: Yes, but it loses something in translation. Tom: Mike? Mike: Yeah? Tom: I never thought I'd ever say this, but right now, I terribly, *terribly* miss Yerko and her Screeching Monk Time CD. Mike: I hear ya. >"Yeah, that's right, everyone!," Zack shot back. "David's been >railroaded for a crime that's been blown way out of proportion. Tom: After all, assaulting someone is common nowadays! Mike: Besides, who cares if the guy's got a collapsed lung? Crow: And part of the explosion, of course, is the band showing up. > And >we're going to jam here until he's released. Crow: Oh no! Music! Now they'll HAVE to let David go! > We're going to kick >things off with 'Bulls on Parade'." > Tom: [Zack] Or as it's better known, "Fernando". >Suddenly, the power chords that opened up "Bulls on Parade" ripped >through the crowd. Mike: Dozens were left wounded as the chords continued their bloody rampage. > The crowd began to pump their fists in the air in >rhythm to the music. Tom: Musical protests! Come for the music, stay for the issue! > Zack then began to rap out the lyrics: > Crow: o/~ There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando! o/~ >"This microphone explodes, shattering tha molds/ Tom: Yes, it has extra cleaning power to cut through mold and mildew. > Ya either drop tha >hits like de la O Mike: De La Soul? What've *they* got to do with this? > or get tha fuck off the commode/ Tom: Ah, at last, a song the whole family can sit around the piano and sing along to. Crow: Singing? > With tha Sure Shot, >sure to make the bodies drop!/Drop an' don't copy yo,/ Tom: Unless you have a million disclaimers! > Don't call this >a co-opt!/ Crow: It's been here for years! Mike: Actually, they got a new copier down at the co-op. Tom: Really? Mike: Yep. Costs 20 cents a copy now. 15 cents if ya buy more'n 50 pounds of mulch. > Terror rains drenchin,' quenching the thirst of the Power >Dons/ Crow: No relation to the Power Steves. Mike: So we could have avoided all this by offering them soft drinks? Tom: Sad, really. > That five-sided Fist-a-gon/ Mike: Oh, just get Norman Mailer and company to levitate it for you. > Tha rotten sore on tha face of Mother >Earth gets bigger/ Tom: Doesn't it ever use Oxy or Oil of Olay? Crow: Yeah, after so many years in existence, I'm starting to see some of its wrinkles from up here. > Tha tirggers cold empty ya purse!/ Mike: Suddenly, I'm expecting the estate of A.A. Milne and the Walt Disney Company to show up. > Rally 'round tha >family/With a pocket full of shells!/ Mike: The NRA theme, ladies and gentlemen! Crow: Um, all I've got is a pocket full of posies. Tom: The rosie's right over there... > They rally 'round tha family/With >a pocket full of shells!/ Tom: A pocket full of gas stations? All I've got is a pocket full of rye. Mike: I've got the four and twenty blackbirds. Crow: I wondered what you needed all that pastry for. > They rally 'round tha family/With a pocket >full of shells!/ Mike: Look, Zack - if we could get to the seashore to buy them, we would. > They rally 'round tha family/With a pocket full of >shells!" > Mike: Trust Rage Against the Machine for wholesome, old- fashioned, Republican family values! Tom: So apparently, the message of the last part of the song is that we should rally round the family with a pocket full of shells. Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. Crow: Hrmph. "Testify" would have been a better choice. >Helen finally said, "Well, whoever they are, they sure mobilized the >kids in protest of this grave miscarriage of justice!" > Mike: Suddenly, the Ramones show up and everyone is mobilized to protest Vince Lombardi High. >The warden stood there, terrified at the crowd's fury. Tom: [Warden] Oh no, a semi-popular rock band! Quick, empty the cells! Mike: Terrified? Please. They probably have an emergency protest kit just in case. > Suddenly, the >coach of the football team arrived, Tom: Suddenly. Again. > dragging the player who had been >hit in the abdomen. He was holding up what looked like a flesh-colored >vinyl sack with ketchup all over it. > Mike: Oh my, it wasn't an attempt to murder! It was an attempt to ruin someone's lunch! Crow: *gasp* I heard the death penalty was invoked in some states on that. >"Everyone, if I could have your attention, please!," the coach said. Tom: Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? >"It seems one of my ex-players faked his injury so he could get Mr. >MacAllister in deep trouble. Tom: [snickering, then mocking] Oh my, ketchup stains! Now they'll never get out! Officers, arrest that man! Mike: Say, wouldn't the coach have known whether one of his players was stitched up or not? Crow: Maybe it's a big team. > I have here a flesh-colored vinyl sack Tom: Nice of him to repeat the description for those in the story. >that he was wearing that was filled with ketchup. Tom: Just in case you've forgotten in the last half-paragraph. Crow: Yeah, I once saw a blood transfusion with Type T Ketchup. > Apparently they >managed to rig this up at industrial arts class. The player in >question did not have surgery recently. [All laugh.] Crow: Fellas, if I ever even get a splinter in Lawndale, promise me you'll take me to a community where the first aid teams have even a half an ounce of a clue!!! > We only found out about this >when we got to the emergency room and the doctors prepped him up for >surgery. Mike: And the player was just LETTING them do it? Tom: And nobody can tell the difference between blood and ketchup? Crow: I hate to see what would happen if they DID go on with it. > I think that was a rather mean thing to do." > Tom: So was attacking in a blind rage, but let's forget about that itty bitty detail for a second. Mike: Yeah, God forbid the football team be considered mean. >The warden stood there, speechless. > Crow: [warden] Thank God I'm only in this scene. >The crowd began their chant of "FREE DAVID!" again. > Tom: He's not free, but at these prices? It's the next best thing! >"Well, Mr. Warden," Helen said, "since my client is innocent, I think >you should release him." > Mike: [Warden] Gee, you think? I was just getting to that part! >The warden motioned to one of the guards to release David. > >"Young man," the coach turned to the perfectly healthy former player, >"You owe Mr. MacAllister an apology for what you did!" > Tom: Being assaulted was one thing, but this whole "playing victim" thing was just what took the cake! >"I'll never kowtow to that retart!," the ex-player said. > Crow: Well, would he agree to a genuflection? >"If you don't, I'll ask Ms. Li to suspend you," the coach warned. > Mike: He'll be forced to take the lead role in the drama club's production of "Peter Pan"! >David was brought out. The crowd roared in celebration. Tom: [David] Thank you! As your new President, I will pursue a policy of more protests and music for all! > David now >walked down the stairs and passed the former football player. The >player suddenly spat on him. Mike: Bill Romanowski! Crow: I see he's been studying "Great Expectorations". > David went berserk. Daria and Jane had to >restrain him. > Mike: [David] Lemme at him! I'm gonna pound his fist with my face! >"David, please!," Daria said. "There's been enough trouble already! >Let's just go home!" > Crow: [Daria] We'll fine him for spitting later. >They now left without further incident. The crowd began to disperse. > Tom: That was when the riot police arrived! Crow: Just like their local counterparts, they arrive in the nick of too late. >"Thanks a lot, Zack," Trent said. "You guys sure made a difference." > Crow: Not as much as the coach did, but a minimal difference nonetheless. >"No problem, Trent," Zack replied. "The battle, however, is far from >over." Mike: The Battle in Lawndale... hmm, doesn't have the same ring. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The next day, after school, there was an emergency meeting of the >Fashion Club, Tom: Tonight's emergency issue: Cargo pants. > which was also now doubling as the Committee to Elect >Sandi. Crow: Not to mention the Skeet Ulrich Fan Club. > The meeting was being held at Sandi's house. Linda, Sandi's >mother, entered the living room, where the girls were hanging out. > Mike: Those new monkey bars Linda had installed sure come in handy. >"I've got to run, ladies," Linda said. "I've got to meet a client. Tom: [Linda] It might be vital to the plot, orrrr not, I don't know. Buh-bye! >Sandi, make sure your brothers keep out of trouble." > Tom: [Linda] I gave them some lighters to play with, so they shouldn't cause you any problems. >"Yes, Mother," Sandi said. Linda left the house. > >"Like, anyway," Sandi said, "we've got to do something about the >'David Problem.' Crow: o/~ How you solve a problem like the re-tart? o/~ > Every tactic we've been using has fallen flat on its >face." > Mike: Run a good campaign? Hello? >"Like, what's the big deal?," Quinn said. "He doesn't stand a chance >of winning." > [Silence] Mike: Dear lord. Quinn actually made sense! Tom: Something is very wrong here. Crow: There's a whole lot of things wrong here. >"Like, get your head out of the clouds, Quinn," Sandi shot back. Mike: [Quinn] But the Philadelphia cream cheese! Tom: [Sandi] NOW, Quinn! > "With >your cousin Daria being his campaign manager and all that, and given >last night's fiasco to frame him for assault, we're taking a beating. Crow: Oh, if only it were *really* true. >Have you seen the latest issue of the 'Lawndale Lowdown'? Mike: The one with the "Voted Worst Town in America And Proud Of It!" on the cover? > That David >retart now has a 45% approval rating compared to 25% for me. This is >bad news." > Tom: And that's with a plus or minus 25% margin of error! >"Opinion polls aren't everything," Quinn said. "It's the polls at >Election Day that count." > Tom: Or who's on the Supreme Court at the time. Mike: Tom. It's over. Move on with your life. Tom: Not until they admit that Nader won. Blasted right-wing media conspiracy... >"Anyway," Tiffany said, "you told me yesterday that Daria threatened >you." > Crow: [Quinn] Yes, her awesome intelligence and refusal to conform makes me uneasy. >Quinn was afraid they would get to that part. She swallowed hard and >began to speak: > Tom: But eventually broke down and babbled on and on about baseball and getting a bat. >"Well, it was a couple of nights ago, after we got back from Highland. >Daria apparently found out from some guy who was there at the time >about our speaking to Todd. Crow: [Quinn] I think he sold propane... or was it propane accessories? One or the other. > She confronted me with that. Tom: [Quinn] And my Morrisey album collection... oops! > Then she >assaulted me, and called all of us 'bitches' and 'self-centered, >lousy, stuck-up motherfucking cunts'!" > Mike: [Quinn] Then she started saying *really* bad stuff about us! >Sandi began to see red when Quinn said that. > Tom: Ole? Crow: Which is really bad, because it didn't match anything she was wearing. >"HOW DARE SHE CALL US THAT!," she finally screamed. "NO ONE CALLS US >THAT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" > Crow: I swear I will not rest... Mike: Enough, please. >"I don't think I'm a bad person," Stacy said. Tom: [Stacy] Just stupid, is all! > "So I sat next to her >and Jane Lane on the Ferris wheel at the medieval fair Tom: [snickering] They were riding a medieval Ferris Wheel?! Mike: It was a much more exciting ride, back when they were made of thatch and tar! > and probably >driven them crazy when I was crying over that boy who dumped me, but I >don't deserve being called a bitch over that!" > Crow: Because after all, trying to find sympathy means you're a bi-atch. >"Like, Quinn, she's your cousin," Sandi said. "Take care of her." > Tom: [Quinn] But then I'll get blood all over my shirt! Blood doesn't go with anything! >"Like, how?," Quinn said. > Crow: [Sandi] Like, get her a glass of water and read her a bedtime story. >"If you don't," Sandi said, "then we'll find someone who will. Maybe >Todd." > Mike: [Quinn] I said 'how', not 'why'! >Suddenly, Quinn remembered what Daria had said to her. > Mike: [Quinn] Mom and Dad went to the store! Ohmigawd! It all makes sense now! >"Uh, I don't know if that's such a good idea," she finally spat out. > Tom: She's intimidated by her sister! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"You're not becoming a Benedict Arnold on us, are you, Quinn?," Sandi >snapped at her. > Crow: [Quinn] Are you calling me a pig? >"Well, I , er, uh," Quinn hesitated. "I've got to go. I just >remembered I have to write an essay for English." > Tom: [Quinn] On, uh, how not to get beaten up by betrayed friends. By Shakespeare. Or something. >Quinn shot out the front door like a frightened rabbit. Suddenly, >Sandi's two obnoxious brothers came in, fighting. > >"He started it!," said the older of the two. > >"No, he did!," said the other. > Mike: Are they arguing over who started the fanfic? >"Like, I'm going to have to call this meeting over," Sandi said. >"Family crisis!" > Tom: [Sandi] Time to get the cattle-prod. Mike: Yeah, I heard 40% of family breakups start after a "He started it" argument. >Stacy and Tiffany left. Sandi then grabbed the two brothers and said, >"Knock it off!" She then klonked their heads together. They then ran >out of sight. > Mike: This scene brought to you by the Three Stooges Preservation Society. Support your local knuckleknob! Tom: The Sandi family political dynasty's off to a crashing good start! >Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Crow: Sudden enough for ya? > Sandi opened it. It was Daria. Mike: Gee, and I was expecting James Coburn. > She wasn't >in her usual outfit. Tom: And I should be shocked? Crow: She wasn't wearing anything! Tom: I'm still not shocked. Crow: Oh. > She was wearing a Rage Against the Machine T- >shirt and blue jeans, along with her combat boots. > >"I'm on to you, Sandi," Daria sneered. > Crow: [Dudley Do-Right] Unhand that snob, Daria Whip-Lash! >"I don't know what you're talking about," Sandi shot back. > Tom: Well, at least this is in character for Sandi. Mike: Are they shooting back blanks or what? >"You're the one behind the big conspiracy to prevent David MacAllister >from running for Student Government President," replied Daria. Tom: [Daria] I'm contacting Oliver Stone! Crow: Well, she is the one running against him. > "I'm >not going to allow you to get away with this." > >"You have no proof," Sandi yelled. > Mike: Ow, watch the ears! She's right in front of you, you know. >"I do to," Daria said. Crow: She does to what? Tom: Or - to *who*!? Mike: Whom. Tom: Whatever. > "Mack overheard your meeting where you and the >others decided to go see Todd. I got Quinn to confess to that much. Mike: Confidentiality? Who needs it! >And I bet you also set up yesterday's incident with the so-called >'seriously injured' football player." > Crow: [Daria] Now admit it before I go wild with rage and do something uncharacteristic again. Mike: At least he didn't explain how she set it up. >"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't," Sandi said. "Besides, nerds like you >and retarts like David should be kept out of Student Government. Hell, >you should be kept out of the gene pool." > Crow: Well, what if she wore a bathing cap. Would that help? >For Daria, this was too much. Mike: For Mike Nelson, it was already too much. > She got mad, then punched Sandi across >the face. Tom: There was no crotch to kick, so... > She bolted into the room, and they were rolling on the >floor, trading punches. > Tom: Suddenly it's a WWF Crossover story. Mike: Can ya smell what the Daria's cookin'?!? >"You self-centered, lousy, stuck-up motherfucking cunt!," Daria >yelled, Tom: [Sandi] Yes, I think Quinn passed on that message already, but thanks anyway. > then held Sandi down while she punched her numerous times in >her abdomen. > Crow: No! What if she has surgical stitches down there? Tom: Geez! Quentin Tarantino's movies aren't *this* profane and violent! >"Now I know why you're just Quinn's cousin; you're a freak of >nature!," Sandi screamed. > Mike: Sticks and stones may break her bones, but she's still using names? >"For your information," Daria yelled back, "I'm her sister!" > >"WHAT! YOU'RE LYING!," Sandi shrieked. > Tom: [Sandi] Okay, I give in. I knew there was something up, but hey, you're a liar anyway. Fight? Mike: [Daria] Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as... uh... lemme get back to you on that one. >Her brothers had now entered the room again. > Mike: Hmm, I wonder what non-fight they got in this time. >"Sandi, what's going on?," the younger of the two said. > Tom: Well, there's another girl on top of her, beating her up... >"None of your business!," Sandi said. "Get the fuck out of here!" > Mike: Why don't you just bonk your heads together? It ended that other fight. >They ran out of the room. Crow: Rather than, say, helping their sister with the deranged woman beating her to a pulp. > Daria sent Sandi crashing to the floor with >a right hook. Tom: I'm amazed you two can restrain your enthusiasm for this stunning encapsulation of the Daria experience. Mike: It's tough, but we're managing. > She then began to kick her real good. Her combat boots >served for this purpose very good. > Crow: I may retch awfully good. Tom: Your massive, pin-like beak should serve for that purpose pretty good. Mike: Yep, nothing like a good kicking with some Doc Martins boots! Now in more sizes than ever! >When she was done, Sandi was rolling around in her own blood. > Tom: Boy. Good to know we can root for the side of right in this. Crow: Ah. She's just blading. >"Now you know how it feels for David when people do that to him!," >Daria screamed. Mike: Daria, ever heard of the "legal system"? One of these laws tell you not to beat up people! Now, follow me on this one... > "Leave him the fuck alone, or I swear to God Crow: The guy who throws chariots in the fire and everything! > I'll do >far worse than this to you!" Mike: ... oh, and this threatening thing? Also a no-no. Tom: [Daria] I'll come back and force you to watch "Titan A.E."! Crow: [Sandi] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU FIEND! > She got out of the house, slamming the >door behind her. > Tom: Then she ran down to Mexico and changed her name. The end. >Sandi got up on her knees, put her hands up to her face, and began >crying. Crow: Daria Morgendorffer! Political activist, local goon! > Her two brothers came back in. > >"Sandi, what happened?," asked the younger of the two. > Crow: I mean, so many things can leave someone rolling around in their own blood. Tom: And how are we supposed to know that isn't just ketchup? >"GET OUT!," she screamed. They ran out. She now got to the phone. > >"Hello?," said a voice on the other end. > Tom: [Sandi] Hello, operator? Get me my agent. I didn't sign on this show to get beaten up or become a bloody prejudicial person! >"Todd, we've got a big problem," Sandi said, "and you're the only one >who can fix it." Mike: Nice of Todd to have stayed on the line for days on end, don't you think? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Quinn would normally go straight home from meetings of the Fashion >Club. But now her conscience was bothering her. Crow: Damn animated cricket! > She was wandering the >streets of Lawndale. She didn't notice when her feet took her to >Howard Drive. Tom: Once there, her feet dumped her and took off for parts unknown. > Soon enough, however, she found a white mailbox with the >name "Lane" written in big black capital letters. Tom: [Quinn] Hey, I thought this was a Drive! What gives? Mike: Now it all makes sense! She's going to get Mills Lane to resolve this! > It was 111 Howard >Drive, the Lane residence. Crow: That's for those of you who missed the discreet clues. Why not reread the paragraph and see if you can spot them? > Quinn had been here only once before: Mike: Here it comes, another reference. Crow: "Nobody cares." -- Crow "Bite me" T. Robot > it >was when Daria and Jodie were checking out that prep school and Quinn >had been kicked out of every house she was staying over at: Mike: The crack house, the White House, the House of the Rising Sun... > Sandi's, >Tiffany's and Stacy's. Jane took her in as a last resort. Tom: A last resort to what? Mike: I don't think he was talking about Jane, Tom. > She had to >tell someone about what was going on, even if it was someone as >unpopular and uncool as Jane. Crow: So the words PO-LICE and LAW-YER mean nothing? Tom: Well, why should they? After all, the police are incompetent, and the lawyers are busy having a field day with Ms. Li. > She went to the doorbell and rang it. >The door was answered by a tall, willowy woman Tom: [perking up] The funk goddess of the universe? > with long black hair, Tom: [slinking down] Oh. Shoot. >wearing an artist's apron over what looked like a long, gray, smock- >like dress worn by female hippies in the 1960's. Mike: Quinn's stepped into an episode of "Dharma & Greg". > It was none other >than Amanda Lane, Jane's mother. > >"Mrs. Lane, I don't think you know me, but I was here once before," >Quinn began. Mike: [Amanda] So were salesman, charity workers, and Girl Scouts, so what's your point? > "I'm Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister. Tom: Cousin. Mike: It's too late now, Servo. > Your daughter >Jane took me in when I needed some place to stay when Daria and Jodie >Landon were visiting that prep school some time back." > Mike: [Quinn] You remember? Crow: [Amanda] No, but I just read it a few sentences ago. >"Of course I remember you," Amanda said. "Jane told me all about you. Crow: [Amanda] You're the one supporting that Sandi bitch, right? Mike: [Quinn] I'm doomed. >Come in, please. I'll let Jane know you're here." She went up the >stairs to get Jane. > >Suddenly, the door opened, and a rather prim, proper man in a gray >flannel suit and tie stepped in He had short, black hair and a >mustache. > Tom: First a 60's hippie, now a 70's sportscaster! Crow: Kids, your parents before you were born! >"Hello there, young lady," the man said to Quinn; Mike: "Do you want some candy?" > "I'm Darren Lane. Tom: They replaced him mid-season with Dick York. >And who might you be?" > >"I'm Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister," she replied. She was >shocked at his appearance. He was the only one who wasn't wearing >grungy clothes in this house. > Mike: He was going to, but everything he owned was either cleaned or pressed or both. Tom: But she only met two people... Crow: Geez, Servo, how big a population sample do you need to render judgment?!? >"I guess you're surprised to see me," he said. Tom: I mean, who'd be surprised seeing a DAD in a household? > "Well, I guess most >folks are when they first see me, because of the way the rest of the >family dresses and acts. Crow: [Darren] I'm sort of the white sheep of the family. > I'm an insurance actuary myself. Mike: [Darren] Oh dear. You've fallen asleep. People always do that when I begin talking about insurance. > Between that >and my wife's pottery, we make a pretty decent living. Mike: [Darren] I insure pottery, then the kids sneak out and break it and the wife sells them replacements! I tell ya, it's a sweet deal! > Anyway, my >daughter Jane told me about you after you were here for a while when >your sister Daria and Jodie Landon were visiting that prep school." > [All sigh.] Crow: It's like a VCR that rewinds itself, whether you want it to or not. Mike: So Daria and Jodie visited a prep school once? Tom: Yes, Mike, I think they did. >"I hope all the feedback was positive," Quinn said, rather nervously. > Tom: For more feedback on Quinn, e-mail her at quinn@fashionclub.com! Mike: I never knew Quinn was into automatic control systems. >Amanda, Jane and Trent came down the stairs. > Mike: [Quinn] I just wanted to talk to Jane, not the whole flippin' family! Argh! Tom: [Jane] Run into some mass serial puppy kickers again? [Normal] Now *that's* how you do a reference! >"Well, well, well," Jane said, "isn't this a surprise! Crow: Yes, folks, only in a Guerin fanfic can you get big juicy surprises! > The last time >you were here, you had been kicked out of every house of every member >of the Fashion Club, and you came crawling to me. Mike: [Quinn] Oh shut up with the references to that episode and just LISTEN! PLEASE! > Now are you finally >going to have that wild keg party you were planning to have, or what?" > Crow: OKAY, WE GET THE FREAKING POINT! SHE STAYED AT JANE'S HOUSE WHEN DARIA AND JODIE WENT TO A PREP SCHOOL! WANT TO RAM IT DOWN OUR THROATS ANYMORE, MR. WAYANS?! >"Mystik Spiral will be happy to provide the musical entertainment, on >the house, of course," Trent said with a knowing wink of his eye. > Crow: [Quinn] You want an empty keg party, don't you? ... Er, I mean, SHUT UP! >"It's nothing like that," Quinn shot back. Mike: What are they shooting with, Chinese peashooters? > "In fact, I would >appreciate it if I spoke to Jane alone, everyone!" > Mike: [Trent] Go ahead. Just pretend we're not here. Tom: [Amanda] Don't mind us a bit. Just ignore us and our miniature tape recorders. Crow: [Darren] Go on and talk about that time you stayed the night here while Jodie and Daria went to that prep school. >"Suit yourself, Quinn," Trent said. "But I'm pretty sure Janey will >tell all, especially Daria." > Mike: [Quinn] True, but at least Jane'll add some parts to the end of the thing. Crow: [Jane] ...and that's what happened. Purple monkey dishwasher. >"What a jerk brother you have, Jane!," Quinn said. Tom: [Jane] Well, you have a jerk sister! No wait... > "I don't know what >Daria sees in him?" > Crow: It's the goatee. Chicks dig the goatee. >"Hey, don't call my brother a jerk!," said Jane defensively. "And, >besides, his relationship with Daria isn't any of your business." > Mike: [Jane] Though it IS your sister and my brother... ick, I just thought about us being sisters-in-law. EWWWWW! >Jane motioned to the stairs, and she and Quinn went up to Jane's room. > Tom: [Quinn] By the way, do you have a PS2? >"This should prove to be very interesting," Trent said. > Crow: Or turn out to be another boring conversation! Either way, Trent wants in! >"I take it you're going to put your ear to the wall and listen in on >them, aren't you?," Darren said. > Mike: [Trent] Huh? Oh, yes. Actually, I initially thought of disguising myself as a cleaning lady and coming in while they're talking, but the door thing is cool! >"Of course," Trent said. "Why would I let Daria down and not know >what's going on with her bratty sister?" > Crow: Because you respect people's privacy? >Darren and Amanda both chuckled over that remark. Tom: Ah, yes, it *is* fun disrespecting people's privacy, isn't it? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >"OK," Jane began, "tell me what's up; keep it brief and to the >point." [All snicker.] Mike: Tell a politician to do the same thing, and get the same results... none. >Jane picked up her brush and began to do another painting. > Crow: [Jane] Hmm, I think I'll paint a portrait of Mick Jagger today. >Quinn couldn't notice two rather unflattering pictures of her; one was >a painting of her in a guillotine, Tom: [Quinn] I don't recall being in the French Revolution. > while the other was a pencil sketch >of her with a bullet hole in her head and the smiley face on her shirt >frowning. > Tom: How comfortable. This certainly helps us with Jane's sympathy factor. Mike: I think those were rejected alter-egos from the credits. >"Uh, why do I have the feeling that you really hate my guts?," Quinn >said nervously. > Tom: [Jane] Nah, I painted those with some cheery pastels. >"What makes you say that?," Jane replied. > >"Uh, it's some of your art that brings that question to mind," >answered Quinn. > Crow: [Quinn] Plus, you've got "QUINN MUST DIE HORRIBLY" scrawled across your walls in - what is that, cow blood? >"Perish the thought," Jane said. "They're rather symbolic of how I >feel about humanity in general." Crow: [Quinn, nervously] Heh heh, that's nice. I gotta go, just remembered there's a sale at Dingo Junction! > Jane knew she was lying through her >teeth, but right now Quinn needed someone to talk to, she reasoned. > Tom: Yep! Let the person you hate unburden her soul on you. Who knows; you might even grow to understand them! >"Are you one of those nihilists?," Quinn said suddenly. > Mike: [Jane] No, I'm one of those *other* nihilists. Sorry. >"Quinn, will you stop being so bleak about your outlook of me?," Jane >shot back. > Crow: [Jane] Just because I painted you on honeymoon with O.J. doesn't mean I hate your guts! >"OK, OK," Quinn said. "Anyway, I just left an emergency meeting of the >Fashion Club and I'm kind of disturbed over some of what was said." > Tom: [Quinn] I mean, *bellbottoms*?!? What are they thinking? >"Go on," Jane said; "this should be interesting." > Crow: "Interesting" in the sense of "mind-numbingly banal". Mike: Jane knew she was lying through her teeth, but she needed to move the plot quickly, she reasoned. >"Well," Quinn continued, "I think they want to do something rather >horrible to David MacAllister; you know, the Special Education student >who's running for Student Government President , as well as Daria." > Mike: [Jane] Do I LOOK dumb to you? I'm WORKING for his campaign! Crow: They're going to put them on Chains of Love! >Jane dropped her brush with an audible "THUD!" > Crow: It's an art brush! Wouldn't it make more of a "plink"? Tom: Maybe she straps lead weights to it, or something? Mike: Well, sure! When she has to put more effort into it, her art becomes more noble. >"What do you mean by that?," Jane said sharply. > >"I don't know, but it sounded like they want to assassinate David and >beat up Daria," Tom: [Quinn] Or maybe they wanted to assimilate David and beef up Daria. Sandi mumbles a lot. > Quinn said, suddenly finding herself sounding >hysterical. "Oh, Jane, I didn't mean for this to go this far! I don't >want to see either David or Daria get hurt! Mike: Just humiliated. Tom: Though everything else that happened was okay? Crow: So when Quinn met Todd again, was she expecting something else? > We just wanted to spook >them from running for Student Government President! Crow: [Quinn] I tried to suggest we dress up in sheets but Sandi said they'd mess up her hair! > I didn't mean for >it to go as far as murder!" The tears were beginning to flow down her >face. Mike: [Quinn] I'm too young to be involved in assassination attempts! > "Jane," she continued, "you've got to believe me! You've just >got to believe me!" Tom: [Jane] Oh, sorry, I can't believe you. I mean, a murder attempt in a fanfic? Pah-lease. > She was now crying hysterically. > Tom: Crying hysterically? That's like giggling while crying, right? Crow: She's gonna wet herself if she keeps that up. >There was a knock on Jane's door. > Mike: Apparently, her Star Trek doorbell was busted. >"What is it?," Jane said. > Crow: [muffled] Candygram. >The door opened. Daria and Trent stepped in. > >"Janey," Trent began, "I tried to delay this as long as I could, but >Daria insisted on speaking to you." > Crow: [Jane] Thanks for delaying, Trent. You can take the ball gag out of her mouth now, though. Tom: [Daria] I feel like punching someone senseless again! >"Jane, what's Quinn doing here?," Daria said. > Mike: Oh, like you don't know, Miss "I'll come in whenever I feel like, so up yours!" >"Quinn just told me some interesting things about the Fashion Club's >emergency meeting today," Jane said. > Crow: [Jane] Did you know Stacy was wearing yellow eye-liner with pink lipstick? Mike: [Quinn] HEY! I wanted to talk to YOU, not my kooky sister! >"Funny," Daria replied, "I went straight to Sandi's house after school >and confronted her myself. I beat the crap out of her." > Crow: [Daria] And you know what? It felt NEAT! Tom: [Daria] I came over to say bye. Richard Kimball's giving me a ride out of town. >"WHAT!," Quinn shouted, raising her head out of her hands. "Why'd you >do that for, Daria?" > Crow: We've been asking ourselves that, too. There are no easy answers. >"By the way, Quinn," Daria said, "I straightened Sandi out as to our >exact relationship between us. Mike: Main character-supporting character. How hard is that? > I'm pretty sure after she patches >herself up. you'll be kicked out of the Fashion Club for having a >nerdy sister!" > Crow: [Daria] There, I made your life a living hell. Enjoy! Mike: And with her plan of destruction complete, she disappears in a puff of smoke and brimstone. >"Oh, Daria, I hate you!," Quinn screamed. "Hate! Hate! DEEP HATRED!" [The trio shudders.] Tom: Is anyone else having Dr. F. flashbacks? Mike: I am. Crow: [Trace] Me too. [Mike and Tom turn to look at Crow.] Crow: [normal] What? >She lunged for her, but Daria stepped out of the way, causing Quinn to >bump her head against the wall. Tom: [sighing] You humans, always with your unsuccessful comedy relief. Why even bother? Crow: I don't know. There's something almost inspirational about the way they just keep trying. > Quinn gave Daria the finger, Crow: [Quinn] Here, I'm done with it. You can use it for a while. > screamed >at her, and stormed out of the house. > Mike: So much for Quinn being consoled. Tom: Something tells me there is a strong anti-Quinn slant to this fanfic... >"So," Daria said in her usually calm, deadpan manner, Mike: Which, for *this* story, is almost a miracle. > "what exactly >did Quinn say to you?" > Crow: Tonight on the world of Guerin-ism! How to make your protagonist as unsympathetic to the readers as possible! Tom: [Daria] Is this a beat-up person I see before me? >"Something about the Fashion Club was plotting to have Todd >assassinate David and have you beaten up," Jane replied. > Tom: [Jane] And snicker-snagging on Zack. >Daria stood there in shock. > Tom: Finally, someone thought to go turn off the breaker. >"Don't worry, ladies," Trent said. "Leave it up to me. Mike: All the more reason to worry. > Todd won't lay >a finger on either David or Daria." > Mike: [Trent] Suge Night owes me a favor, too. Tom: [Daria] That's nice. What about blades or bullets? Mike: [Trent] In that case, it's out of my league. Sorry! >"And how exactly are you going to accomplish that?," Daria asked. > Mike: [Trent] Just like Daria solves her problem! She beats them up rather violently. Violence begets violence. Crow: Funny how in "Misery Sushi", Daria was preaching against it. Tom: She SHATTERED a frozen criminal! Crow: Oh, must we dwell on the past? Tom: We ARE in the past! >"Rage Against the Machine will help me on this," Trent replied. "They >know a few people who can help." > Crow: People like Jane Goodall! Mike: Colin Firth! Tom: Clive Cusssler! Crow: Herman's Hermits! Mike: Oksana Baiul! Tom: Allison Janney of TV's "The West Wing"! >"I hope so," Daria said. "Right now, things have really taken a >sinister turn." > Mike: [Daria] My brutal assault was entirely justified. But how dare she escalate to *murder!* >With that, Trent went to the phone in Jane's room and dialed the hotel >room where Rage Against the Machine was staying. > >"Yeah, Zack?," Trent said. Tom: Sorry, this is the receptionist. May I help you? Crow: Psst, Trent. The phone's not plugged in... > "It's Trent again. I think we're going to >need some more help from you guys." Mike: A nice concert should soothe everyone's jangled nerves! Crow: [Trent] How soon can you get another gross of Vietcong flags? Tom: [Trent] I see your pretty face smashed on the bathroom floor. I wonder what he meant by that? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Todd had never really been to Lawndale before. Mike: Neither has 99% of the world's population. > He tried to beat the >information out of Beavis and Butt-Head, who had went to the big >football game between Highland and Lawndale last year, but those two >gave rather half-assed directions. Tom: And this surprised him?! Crow: I wouldn't trust those two to tell me what aisle the Beanie- Weanies were on at Krogers. > He finally got them from a map. Mike: This Todd guy's amazingly resourceful. Tom: What do you expect? He's evil. > He >got together some area thugs and were now descending on the >MacAllister residence. Crow: Looks like KellyThugs made a shrewd move opening that Lawndale branch. > Todd pounded on the front door. It was opened >by Warren. > >"Can I help you, Sir?," Warren said. > Crow: [Todd] As a matter of fact, I have a bad back today, and... HEY! >"We want to speak to your son, David," Todd shouted back. > Crow: [Todd] We want to *sign* his petition! >"I'm sorry," Warren said, "but he's doing his homework." > Crow: These characters must be awfully tall, because otherwise their dialogue wouldn't be so stilted. >Todd forced the door open and stormed in, with the thugs following >him. > Mike: [Todd] I REALLY have to talk to him about his homework! Guys! Get me some note paper! >"Tie him and his wife up!," Todd said. Two of the thugs grabbed Warren >and tied him to a chair in the living room. Two others did the same to >Deanna in the kitchen, where she was preparing dinner. > Tom: [Thug] Hey, Boss, they're having spaghetti bake for dinner! Can we stay? >Todd and the rest went up to David's room. David saw who it was and >cringed. > Crow: Does David know Todd too? How does he recognize him? >"We've got a message for you from Sandi and the Fashion Club, you >retart!," Todd said as three of the thugs now descended on David, >brandishing chains, steel rods and wooden boards. Tom: I dunno, it's not much of a fashion statement. > They began to beat >him up. > Mike: Aren't they supposed to assassinate him? Tom: Well, they never said WHEN... >"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!," David screamed as the thugs beat him up. > Mike: Well, that makes sense. I'll give him that one. Crow: Yeah, it just wouldn't work if he'd yelled "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" or "MAAAAAAAAAYBEEEEEEEEEEE!" >"This should teach you a lesson to drop out of the race for Student >Government President," yelled Todd. "We don't want retarts like you in >Student Government!" > Tom: But - but he's not a student. He doesn't even *live* there! Crow: And I still fail to see how this is assassinating him. Mike: I think Todd's gotten his directives all screwed up. >Suddenly, there were four loud noises from downstairs: > >"THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!" > Crow: Yep, four noises! Tom: But is somebody saying "thud" four noises, or just one? >Todd raced down the stairs and saw that four of the thugs were out >stone cold on the floor. Crow: [Todd] Oh no, Steven Seagal is here! > Standing over them were a group of "Straight- >Edgers", Mike: They've been smacked by rulers? > who were teens who took a militant stand against drug abuse. Tom: Nice friends. Signing militant groups to help the good guys... Crow: You'd think so, would you? >They were dressed in the usual grungy clothing and had the mark of the >black "X" on their hands indicating their status as "Straight-Edgers". Mike: Or the cast of Marvel's newest mutant spinoff book. Tom: Okay, time out! Foul! Now he's just deus ex machinating all over the place! >Right behind them were Daria, Jane, Trent and Rage Against the >Machine. > Crow: Behind *them* were other people! Like Julius Schwartz! Mike: Kathy Ireland! Tom: Roger Ebert! Crow: British PM Tony Blair! Mike: LL Cool J! Tom: Your XFL Champion Los Angeles Extreme! >The leader of the Lawndale Straight-Edgers, a young man named Corey, >spoke up. He was bald and wearing an olive green shirt and black knee- >length baggy pants. > [The bots snicker.] Crow: I guess the non-threatening boys magazine market isn't what it used to be. Mike: Hey! It's one of the Moby Youth Corp! >"If I were you," Corey said in a calm, deliberate manner, "I'd leave >here and forget that you were ever in Lawndale!" > Tom: Ah, so that's how Lawndale stays off the map! >"I'd take his advice, man!," Zack added. > Crow: [Zack] I still count for something here! Uh, and the band too! >"You're defending this retart, aren't you!," Todd said. Mike: One thing you can say about Todd - he's quick on the uptake. > He then >noticed Daria. "Well, if it isn't Daria Morgendorffer!," he continued. Tom: [Todd] So, how's the spin-off treating you? Good? Oh, I hate MTV's scheduling too. >"I knew that somehow you were going to be mixed up in this! Maybe the >first time didn't straighten you out!" > Crow: [Todd] I should've used my ruler! >Daria felt a shiver down her spine. > Tom: [Daria] Hmm, maybe this outfit is too short. Shall I describe it to you? Crow: Uhhh, no thanks. >"Don't worry, Daria," Trent said, putting his arm around her back. "He >can't do anything to you as long as I'm here." > Mike: Why? Does Trent have a magic force field or something? Tom: [Daria] My 98 pounds of hunky slacker will protect me! >The other three thugs now came down the stairs. > >"GET THEM!," Todd screamed. > Tom: "EX-TERMIN-ATE! EX-TERMIN-ATE! DE-STROY! DE-STROY!" >The thugs ran right for them, but the Straight-Edgers were faster, and >began to pummel the tar out of them. Mike: [coughing, waving hand] Sorry! The fumes are starting to get to me. Crow: Thug violence! Bringing the night to a perfect close! Uh, it's night, right? > Todd could see that his strategy >was backfiring, Mike: What strategy? "Get them" isn't a strategy. Crow: Guerin-ism #211: In battles, the only command is 'fight' or 'run'. > and proceeded to run for the back door. Jane was >faster, however, and tackled him. Todd slapped her across the face. > Crow: Come on, Todd! You can do better than that! You fight like a sissy. Tom: A Finnish Sissi? Crow: No, it's sissy... oy. >"Get off of me, you bitch!," Todd yelled. > >Corey got up to him and kicked him in the head. > Mike: Corey has mastered the art of Tai-Kwan Leap. >"Don't call her a bitch, you asshole!," he said. > Tom: Don't call him an asshole, you twit! Mike: Don't call him a twit, you ne'er-do-well! Crow: Don't call him a ne'er-do-well, you p'takh! >Todd punched him and bolted for the front door. Crow: Tragically, Corey's gimpy ankles have let him down once more. > He grabbed Daria and >ran for his car. > Crow: What, is Daria some sort of inanimate object? Fight back, damn you! Tom: Hey, where's bodyguard Trent? Mike: Probably hiding in the bushes about now. >"Let her go!," yelled a voice from behind the bushes. All: Gasp! Tom: Karl Rove! And he's brought the President and First Lady with him! > Suddenly, a >whole bunch of Straight-Edgers came out from behind the bushes and >dragged Todd down. Mike: Damn, these guys are like roaches! > Daria squirmed out of the pile of humanity and ran. Tom: Oh, the pile of humanity! >The Straight-Edgers began to beat up on Todd. > Crow: The funny question is, why would militants against drug-abuse be involved in this? Mike: Zack probably told them Todd was a long-time marijuana producer. Tom: Oh please, Mike, don't make this into a typical action flick! >The four thugs who were beaten got up and now ran, as did the other >three. Crow: Hey, come back here and fight like a sissy! Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk! > They got to the van that they used to get to Lawndale. One of >the thugs managed to beat off the Straight-Edgers and grabbed Todd, >kicking and screaming, and dragged him to the van. Mike: Todd, he's trying to *save* you. Tom: Give him a break, okay? It's been a tense couple of minutes for him. > They drove off into >the night. > >"Free the two who are tied up, then check on David!," Corey said to >two of his lieutenants. > Mike: Captain Corey of the Starship Vigilante! Tom: [Corey] Maybe we should've came in BEFORE the thugs came in... nah! >"We owe you big time for this," Daria said to Corey. > Crow: [Corey] That's okay, just as long as you don't use drugs... or WHAM! >"We're just lucky that your friend Trent and Rage Against the Machine >knew where to find us," Corey said. Tom: Yes, it was so incredibly fortunate that *Trent* just happened to know where to find people who beat up drug users. Crow: *Abusers,* Tom. *Abusers.* > "Since we more or less dispense a >vigilante style of justice, we keep our whereabouts pretty secret. Mike: [Corey] Now, to the Edgerz-Cave! > The >police kind of look down on our methods." > Crow: You're in *Lawndale*! By the time the police notice, the statute of limitations would be over! >Everyone now went inside. Warren and Deanna were now free. > Mike: And everyone was now happy. Crow: And now I'm gonna puke! >"Is David all right?," Warren asked. > Tom: [Daria] ... Oh, right! Him! I forgot what we were here for! >With one accord they ran to his room. Mike: Boy, Hondas really *can* seat more! > David was balled up in a fetal >position on the floor, crying. > Crow: No bruises, no cuts, no anything? Some thugs! >"It's OK now, David," Daria said as she kneeled next to him and >embraced him. "Todd and the others are gone." > Mike: [Daria] He and his Bighead Monsters have all left. >"Why me? Why me?," David sobbed. "Maybe they're right. I should drop >out. I'm just causing trouble." > Tom: [David] Maybe I should just bring this to the attention of the media and get equal rights through that instead of taking a long time to run for President! Wait a minute! That's a boring plot! Mike: And the current one isn't? >"You'll do no such thing," Daria said straight in the face. Mike: And not just any face. Crow: Hey, maybe somebody in the band's finally getting attention! > "We've >gone too far as it is. Tom: [bitterly] No comment. > We're not going to give up and let them win >like this!" > Tom: [Daria] Not until you're dead and I can sell the film rights to Oliver Stone! >"David," Corey said, "if those morons threaten us again, we'll give >them more of the same." > Crow: Thug violence! The sure-fire way to cure your political problems! >"We're going to call the ACLU tomorrow morning and see about getting >some legal action started against them for violating you civil >rights," Zack added. Mike: [Zack] Or we could call the cops and get some protection for you. Nah. I'm sure the lawyers will scare the thugs off. > "This is they type of tactics that only groups >like the Gestapo and people who are afraid of change resort to when >they know they're on the losing side of the battle." > Tom: Or when they're winning and aren't afraid of the consequences. Crow: Again with the Nazis... it's like Voyager and the Borg. You can't get enough without a Borg episode! >"Of course, now we know that the Fashion Club is behind this," Daria >said. Tom: NOW you know? You've KNOWN since day ONE! How much PROOF do you flippin' NEED before you KNOW? > "And I'm pretty sure that when Sandi hears about this, Quinn's >going to take the fall." Mike: Maybe she'll be lucky and just take the Nestea plunge. Crow: Thus making Quinn suffer more. Real sympathy there, Daria! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Daria didn't know just how prophetic her words were going to be. Mike: If she had, she'd have moved to the desert and started eating locusts and honey. > After >Todd called Sandi and told her about the botched attempt to scare >David out of the race, Tom: Well, that oughta get Todd his pay! Uh, what IS his pay, anyway? > she called for another emergency meeting of the >Fashion Club, even though it was now past 9:00 PM on a school night. Mike: Oh dear, they're not gonna get ANY sleep tonight! Crow: I think it's well past Sandi's bedtime! >When they all got there, the meeting was being held at Sandi's room. Tom: The living room was used at the moment, as the little brothers were fighting on their PS2. >Sandi shot a furious look at Quinn. > Crow: [Quinn] Hey, watch it! You could put an eye out! Mike: Quinn dodged and countered with a smug look! >"Like, this was all your doing, wasn't it, Quinn?," Sandi shouted. > >"Why look at me?," Quinn shouted back. > Crow: Why does everyone yell, shoot back, or scream? Why can't they talk like civilized people? >"You probably turned chicken and ratted on someone about what we were >going to do," Sandi shot back. > Tom: [Quinn] Eew, Sandi! You know I hate chicken! >"I did not," Quinn said, knowing that she was lying through her teeth. > Mike: [Sandi] May I remind you that you are under the oath of the Fashion Club! Crow: [Quinn] Oh, right. *ahem* Like, I did not DO such a thing, okay? Chill. >"Oh, by the way, Quinn," Sandi added, "your cousin Daria stopped by >here today after our first meeting and beat the shit out of me. Mike: [Quinn] That would explain the several scars and bruises you have there. Crow: [Sandi] It took me one scene to completely heal it! That's slow, even by Guerin standards. > Do you >know what she said when she was doing that?" > Mike: She started singing "Singing in the Rain"? >"What?," said a now hysterical Quinn > Tom: [Sandi] That Jif *does* taste more like fresh roasted peanuts! What do you say to *that*?!? >"She told me that she is actually your sister!," Sandi said. > Crow: [Quinn] Oh, and I suppose you would believe it if she told you that she was your father. Tom: [Sandi] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! >"She's lying!," Quinn said. > Crow: [Quinn] Did she also say something about me unleashing a Fashion Club coup on you? She's lying there too. >"Oh," shot back Sandi sarcastically," then tell me why, when after I >spoke to Todd, that I called Brittany Taylor's obnoxious kid brother-- Mike: Heck, every sitcom has to have one. >who knows a lot about computers-- Tom: Just because he finished "Black & White" doesn't make him a genius. > and have him check the state's vital >statistics database, and he came up with these printouts?" > Crow: Because you're a paranoid, domineering, unlovable shrew? >Sandi handed Quinn two pieces of paper. They were copies of her and >Daria's birth certificates, both clearly indicating that their parents >were Jake and Helen Morgendorffer. > Tom: [Quinn] Would you believe there was another Helen Morgendorffer? Crow: [Sandi] Of the same name? Sisters? Tom: [Quinn] Yes! Crow: [Sandi] ... okay. >"Well, er, um," Quinn said. > Tom: [Quinn] I was adopted! My real parents were killed in the Hindenburg crash! >"Quinn Morgendorffer, you committed two very unpardonable offenses >against the Fashion Club," Sandi said. Crow: She showed a shred of decency and refused to regurgitate her meals. > "First, you lied as to the >exact relationship with Daria Morgendorffer, Mike: [Quinn] But I did not tell a lie! *I* chopped down that... oh wait... > then you betrayed us to >her! Tom: Do you have printouts proving THAT too? > I hereby move, as President of the Fashion Club, that you be >stripped of your title as Vice-President and kicked out of the club!" Crow: [Sandi] And that I'll assume the role of absolute dictator of the Fashion Club. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! > >"I second it!," Tiffany said. > >"All those in favor, say 'Aye!'," Sandi said. She, Tiffany and Stacy >shouted "Aye!" > >"All opposed, say 'No!'" > Mike: [nasal voice] Nay. Crow: Who keeps saying that? >"NO!," shouted Quinn. > >"You have no right to vote on this matter," Sandi said, "so your vote >doesn't count. Tom: But she was outvoted anyway! Why? > There are three votes in favor and none opposed. The >motion is carried. Quinn Morgendorffer, you are hereby stripped of >your position as Vice-President of the Fashion Club and are hereby >also expelled from this club. Give me your membership card." > Crow: There's four of them! Why do they need membership cards? Tom: It's all for Tiffany really. She needs to check hers to remind herself of her name. >Quinn didn't want to; "Never!," she shouted. > Mike: [Quinn] I'll never surrender my 20% discount at Applebee's! >"Tiffany," Sandi shouted, "grab Quinn's wallet and get her membership >card." > Crow: [Sandi] And any money that's in it, just for kicks. I'm strapped these days. >Tiffany got up to Quinn, who decided to bolt for the door. Tom: Um, I don't understand Quinn's reasoning. She's banned in any case. Keeping the card doesn't do anything. Besides, it's just, what, three other people? > However, >Tiffany got to her first, shoved her down to the floor, held her down >and grabbed her wallet. Mike: Which was oddly enough in Quinn's hand the whole time... what? Tom: [Tiffany] Hey, you have a "My Little Pony" wallet too! > She took out her Fashion Club card and gave it >to Sandi. She then ripped the card to pieces. Quinn saw it and cried. > Crow: [Quinn] You bastards... that was my Subway Club card! Now I'll never get that free sub with a drink! >Sandi then went up to Quinn and ripped her smiley face T-shirt in >half, Tom: Quinn, shouldn't you think about taking those tearaway T-shirts out of your closet? > then slapped her across the face. > Crow: Well, it's finally happened. Mike: What? Crow: My scorn for this story has just turned to open contempt. Mike: Okay. Crow: I hope you guys don't think any less of me. Tom: Heck no! You held out longer than *we* did. Mike: Yeah. Glad you could finally join us. >"GET OUT, AND DON'T YOU DARE EVER COME BACK HERE AGAIN!," Sandi said. >Quinn ran out of the room, crying. > Tom: [Sandi] BESIDES, MY ROOM IS A PIG'S STY! NO ONE SHOULD EVER SET FOOT IN MY ROOM FOR THEIR OWN SAKE! >"I hereby nominate Stacy to be the new Vice-President of the Fashion >Club," Sandi said. There were no objections. > Mike: From the... two people? >"Since there are no objections and no other candidates," Sandi said, >"I hereby declare Stacy elected to the post. Congratulations, Stacy!" > >"Thanks, Sandi," Stacy said. > Mike: [Stacy] Do I get the Vice-Presidential parking and everything? >"Good-bye and good riddance to Quinn!," Tom: Damn, that stupid apocalypse's been postponed again! Mike: Finding some opposition with some backbone is hard to get nowadays at the Fashion Club. > Sandi then said. "I hated her >for being cuter than me and getting all the boys' attention, anyway." Tom: [Sandi] Whoops! Did I say that out loud? Ah well, screw it. Now I will crush all my other political foes! Bwahahahahaha! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Quinn was running down the street, crying. Crow: Yep, sure not making anyone pay attention to her. No sir. > She couldn't bring herself >to go home, since she would have to face Daria. Mike: And the accusing stares of her Beanie Babies. Tom: What new form of senseless Daria violence awaits us? Tune in later! > She couldn't go to >Jane's place either; that would be totally humiliating. She felt she >had no place to go. Tom: Let's see, teenage girl, sobbing openly, with a torn shirt, running down the street late at night. Nope. No reason it should attract any undue attention. > She collapsed into a nearby phone booth and cried. > Mike: Clark Kent will have to save the world another day, just because some kid is crying in the booth! >Suddenly, there was a rap on the door of the phone booth. Crow: Queen Latifah just doesn't know when to stop, does she? > Quinn looked >up. To her surprise, it was David. > Mike: David E. Kelly? What's he doing here? Crow: Usually he just prowls the streets of New York. >"NO! KEEP AWAY FROM ME!," Quinn shrieked. > Tom: [Quinn] Your stiff anti-jock policies are too much to bear! >"Quinn, please," David said. "Come with me. You can spend the night >with my folks if you want." > Crow: [Quinn] But they're married. Mike: [David] I don't mean it that way! Yuck. >"Why should I do that after my friends and I plotted against you?," >Quinn sobbed. > Tom: [David] I just like rubbing it in. >"Daria told me about how you told Jane about the earlier meeting," >David said. "Luckily, Daria and Trent were able to figure out that >something was up and decided to pay a visit to me. I'm glad they did. Mike: Then Batman used his giant supercomputer to figure out where you were. >Please, stay with us. We'll tell your parents where you are, and you >and I can speak to Daria and Jane at school tomorrow. Tom: [David] And humiliate you even more. Ha! Whoops, let it out a bit... > Please? Do it >for me." Crow: [David] Do it for your long-time... no wait... short-time... no... acquaintance! Tom: [Quinn] Oh, everything is about YOU, isn't it? > He extended his hand out to Quinn. She was a bit hesitant at >first, but then took it and got up. Mike: [David] Oh, did I mention my other disability? I'm actually a living Lego! I want my arm back. > They went to his parents' car and >drove off. Crow: And there, on the handle - WAS A HOOK!!!! Tom: Let's drive on out of here ourselves. [They exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The Bridge is occupied by three teenage kids, all wearing T-shirts bearing the words "Straight Edged" in lettering resembling that of the Snapple logo. They also have large black 'X's on their hands. They look about vigilantly. Mike enters a moment later, sees the youths and wanders over to them.] Mike: Hi. Um, who are you? Youth #1: The name's Rick. We're straight-edgers. We heard there might be some illegal activities going on up here. Mike: Illegal activities? Look, I told Crow printing his own currency was a bad idea... Rick: No, not that. We heard there might be drug dealing going on up here. We showed up. Mike: Drug deals? Are you joking? Hey, wait. Don't you folks usually stick to places like concert arenas? Rick: Wasn't Limp Bizkit just here? Mike: Well, yeah. Rick: Then we're here too. Mike: Look, we're not dealing drugs up here. Say, how exactly did you three get up here? Can you take us back to earth...? [As Mike speaks, Crow enters, carrying a paper grocery sack.] Crow: Mike? Where do you want this Coke? [The three youths spring into action, tackle Crow, toss him to the ground and begin to punch and kick him repeatedly.] Mike: Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT! [The youths stop their assault and stare at Mike. Mike reaches down and picks up a red and white can.] Mike: He's just bringing in our groceries. See? Nothing bad here. [The youths reluctantly back up and Crow groggily stands up.] Crow: All right. I'll go get some Dr. Pepper. [Crow exits and the youths resume their previous positions.] Mike: Guys. Seriously, everything is completely legal up here. Now, can you possibly take us home? [Tom enters, wearing a chef's hat on his dome and carrying a spatula.] Tom: Mike? Do you want scrambled eggs or hash... [Tom is buried as the youths jump him and begin to pummel him.] Mike: Hey! KNOCK IT OFF! [The youths stop and look warily at Mike.] Mike: Hash *browns*. He's fixing breakfast. Rick: Oh. Sorry. [The youths back off and a battered Tom reappears.] Tom: [dazed] Mike? I'm going to get some neosporin, okay? [Rick's henchteens tense up, but Rick holds them back.] Rick: No. We've covered that one before. It's cool. Mike: See? Everything's on the up and up. Now, please. Can you help... [Gypsy enters.] Gypsy: Mike, we're running low on propiconazole, fenarimol and our supply of metalaxyl is getting thin! [The straight edgers stare at each other for a moment then shrug.] Rick: We're going to assume that's okay. [He turns to the other edgers.] I think it's all cleared up... [The trill of a cell phone can be heard. Rick pulls a small phone out of his pocket and speaks into it.] Rick: Yeah? What? When? We're on it. Mike: If we're okay up here, can you take us home? Rick: Love to, but no can do. We've got an emergency. Woody Harrelson and the Black Crowes are throwing a shindig at the Fillmore. [to the edgers] Let's roll. [The edgers exit speedily.] Mike: Blast. [Crow and Tom enter as the lights begin to flash.] Crow: Hey Mike? Where do you want that shipment of crank? Mike: Stop clowning around, guys. WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN! Tom: No, seriously. Where do you want us to put it? [Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike, Tom and Crow enter and sit.] Tom: Mike, it's going to spoil just sitting there like that. Crow: Crank spoils? Tom: I think so. Mike: Quiet, you two. You're in enough trouble as it is. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 6: Decision '98 in Lawndale High Mike: Brought to you by the good people at Politic-Os! It's politics in an O... it's Honey Nut Politic-Os! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Quinn got to David's place and spent the night there. Crow: Hey! I thought David was into Daria. Tom: Don't freak out just yet, Crow. Save that for when something DOES happen. > His parents had >one of those convertible sofas and had it set up in the living room. Crow: They put the top down and soon Quinn was cruisin' in a boss machine! Mike: Yes, nothing like a sofa to make an overnight stay that much more enjoyable! >They lent her one of David's white collared dress shirts for a >nightshirt. > >"Wearing men's shirts as a lady's nightshirt is so unfashionable," >Quinn said to David. > Crow: [David] Uh, that's nice, Quinn, but fashion be damned. This is MY place, for crying out loud! >"Well," David said, "there's quite a few women out there who would >disagree with you." > Mike: Men, too. Tom: [Quinn] What are their names? I'll kill them! >"Quinn," Warren said to her, "I know what you're going through, Mike: [Warren] When I was your age, I had my shirt ripped off by a mean-spirited fashion witch, too. Tom: [David] Mom, Dad's hallucinating again. Crow: [Deanna] Leave him be, dear, he needs his rich fantasy life. > but >let me tell you right now--you did the right thing in going to Jane >Lane and telling her about what Sandi and the others were going to do. Mike: [Warren] You may end up perching atop a bell tower with an automatic weapon because of the loss of your popularity, but it was still the right thing to do! >You may have prevented a tragedy from happening." > Crow: [Warren] We're calling some more goons to deal with it. What goes around comes around, am I right or am I right? >"I don't know how I'm going to face Daria and the others when I get to >school," Quinn whined. "I don't even have my books!" > Tom: [Quinn] And, like, I'm expecting an audit after 3rd period! >"Daria will have them for you," Deanna said. > Mike: That oughta make Quinn sleep a little easier... not. Crow: [Deanna] I sense great apathy from you over that. >"Right now, you get some sleep," David said. He then went up to her >and kissed her on the cheek. "Good night, Quinn." > Crow: Good night, sweet Quinn. May a chorus of fashion critics sing thee to thy sleep. Tom: There he goes again. Does David think he's immune to being slapped by any woman? >Quinn was too frazzled right now to complain. She turned off the light >and went to bed. Crow: You mean "went to sofa", right? Mike: Don't be so literal. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The next morning, Warren gave David and Quinn a ride to school. Tom: Sure, it was on a turtle's shell, but they eventually got there. >Meanwhile, Daria and Jane were heading there on foot. > >"So, how will you deal with your little Mata Hari," Jane said to >Daria. > Mike: [Daria] I'll make her send an ultimatum to the Fashion Club. Hopefully they'll surrender like the French. Tom: [Jane] Or they could execute her. Mike: [Daria] That's good too. >"By all rights," Daria said, "I should strangle her until she turns >fifty different shades of blue and purple, but I won't, Crow: [Daria] I think greens and aquas are more suitable, don't you? > since she went >to you and confessed the Fashion Club's plot. Mike: I'm glad something has a plot around here. > But she will pay in some >way for all this." > Tom: She's already paid for this. You beat her up, told Sandi the truth about the whole "sister" thing, and Quinn got kicked out of the Fashion Club, assaulted, and so on! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Crow: He should skip the boring build-up and get to the part where Daria wraps the Christmas tree with Quinn's entrails already. Mike: Her reward for preventing severe bodily harm? Lessened mayhem! >"I see," Jane said, "slow torture over a quick and painless death." > >"More or less," Daria replied. > >They got to school just as the MacAllisters' car arrived. David and >Quinn stepped out. Tom: Quinn forgot that it was an SUV, and fell out, bruising her elbows. Crow: Hey, if that's not enough torture, I don't know what is! > Unfortunately, Sandi and the Fashion Club also >arrived. > Mike: That's 8.9, 9.1, 7.6, 9.4, 8.0 and an 8.8. And Lawndale scores a 51.8 out of a possible 60 in the synchronized arrival competition. >"Ignore that has-been Quinn," Sandi said; "she's a traitor to the >Fashion Club!" > Crow: She's out, Sarah Michelle Gellar is five minutes ago, and Rachel Leigh Cook is in. >They walked past her and held their noses up in derision. Quinn began >to cry. > >"Now you know what it feels like to be an outcast, Quinn," Daria told >her. "Welcome to the club!" > Tom: It really is a miracle she's lived this long. Mike: [Quinn] Oh, thanks for being so heartless, Daria. Crow: [Daria] Don't mention it. Oh wait, DO mention it. Ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA! >"Oh, Daria," Quinn said, "you ruined everything!" > Tom: [Quinn] The plot, the sympathy, the common sense to stop torturing me... >"No, I didn't," shot back Daria. Mike: Blanket denial. I see Daria's already working up for the next election. > "You ruined it yourself when you fell >into this little plot." She then handed Quinn her books. > Crow: [Daria] Oh, and thanks for saving the day, you little twerp. >"You're just lucky that David was willing to take you in," Jane said. >"And I'm pretty sure your Mom and Dad aren't going to be too happy >with you when you come home, young lady!" > Tom: [Quinn] Maybe I should tell them about what Daria did first before jumping to conclusions. Crow: The moral of the story: The ends DO justify the means! >"What am I going to do?," Quinn said. "I've lost everything I have >that gave meaning to my life!" > Tom: And the fact that it's true is just so very very sad. Mike: A stupid Fashion Club? Crow: o/~ She's a one-track mind... o/~ >"You could join my campaign team," David said. > Crow: He sold out fast! Tom: [David] Once you go traitor, you should go all the way! >"UGH!," Quinn said, "I'd rather have slugs shoved down my throat!" > Mike: Trust me, Quinn. It's not as fun as it sounds. [The bots turn to stare at Mike.] Mike: What? >"Jane, go find some slugs beneath some rocks," Daria said. "We're >going to fulfill Quinn's request!" > Crow: [Quinn] Okay, but get me the small ones, please. Mike: Daria Morgendorffer. Remember, when she Shabon-freezes you, it's really for your own good. Honest! Tom: Ah, this must be the 'slow and painful death' she was talking about! >"NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!," Quinn shrieked. > >"Then join my team," David said. > Mike: Note how David has cleverly removed all of Quinn's other choices. Tom: He'll make a good politician after all. >"OK, OK," Quinn said. "Boy, I'm going to regret this!" > Mike: I sense a hazing scene coming on. >They now entered the school. Crow: They now began to refer to themselves in the third person. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Since it was Friday, Mike: But it's Saturday... > and the special election was going to be on >Monday, today was going to be the big debate for the candidates. Crow: The candidates are growing up so fast! *sniff* > The >debate was going to be held at fifth period. Ms. Li, in her usual >manner, Tom: ... executed half the candidates before they could speak against her. > said that attendance to the debate was optional, but students >who didn't go to it during their free period if they had it were going >to have ten points deducted from their grade average for the quarter >and teachers who didn't send their students to the election would have >part of their pay for the day docked. Mike: Actually, that sounds like a guy I used to work for. Tom: All legal, of course! Crow: In the city of Lawndale, anything's possible! Even crooked things! > Thus, it was going to be a >crowded house at the auditorium. Tom: So hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over. > In fact, in between periods, it was >already beginning to fill up. Crow: Thankfully for the students, the whole day was period-free. > The candidates and their respective >campaign staffs were prepping for the debate backstage. > Tom: Yeah, David's stealing Sandi's debate manual, Sandi's having Tiffany dump Nyquil in David's water carafe... Mike: Live on ABC, it's the '98 Lawndale Student Presidency! The only one that matters. Hi, I'm Ted Koppel. >"Now, David," Daria said, "I've prepared your opening and closing >speeches as well as answers to any questions you may face. Stick to >what I've written and you can't go wrong." > Crow: [David] I dunno, Daria, is quoting Sartre *really* an appropriate reply to questions about extended lunch periods? Tom: [Daria] Hey, whose name is in the title credits, huh? Just do it. >"What if Sandi tries to smear me?," David asked. > Mike: [Daria] Don't worry, we're going to have you laminated just in case. >"If she does, she's going to have a black eye for her trouble," Daria >assured him. > Crow: Actually, it'll just be a blackeyed pea. She loves those. Tom: [David] Daria, this "threaten people" thing of yours is really getting creepy now. You sure you don't need a rest? >At the other end of the backstage area, Sandi and the other members of >the Fashion Club were making their own preparations. > Mike: Something unnecessarily evil, no doubt. Tom: Yep, who needs a good campaign when you can do something dirty? >"The object of this debate will be to totally destroy David >MacAllister," Sandi said, "to cast doubts on the public about his >fitness to be Student Government President. Is that clear?" > Crow: Wow, this *is* just like real-life politics. Mike: Yeah, I guess Pete knows what he's doing. >Stacy and Tiffany nodded in agreement. > >"Good," Sandi said. > Tom: What? SHE'S the candidate. Why is she briefing them on what she knows? >Ms. Li arrived. > Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... LLLLET'S GET READY TO BUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLE! >"Will the candidates for the election please step forward," she said. > Crow: Immediately, the sounds of guns cocking were heard just behind all of Ms. Li's detractors... >"Good luck, David," Daria said. > >"I guess I'll need it," David told her. > Mike: [David] Or not. I just don't know about it nowadays. Stupid luck thing! >David and Sandi now stepped out to the front. Tom: Just two candidates? Mike: Sandi's hit teams must have gotten to the rest of them. Crow: Or the rest of the school realized what a joke the student council is. > There were three >podiums. Ms. Li, as moderator, would take the middle podium; David was >to take the one that was to the left of her while Sandi would take the >one to the right. Mike: Soon, no podiums were left at all. > As soon as they took their positions, Ms. Li started >the proceedings: > Tom: REAL persons! REAL cases! Judge Judy. Crow: [Judy] Ah-but-but-but-but-but! Not only it's the law but it's common sense! >"Good afternoon, everyone. As you know, Monday will be the special >election to fill the vacant position of Student Government President. Crow: "Special" meaning "not worth a damn but it sounds really neat". >Today we have arranged time to have the two candidates for the >position debate each other. Mike: [Ms. Li] Then we'll have them debate the actual issues. > To my left is one of those candidates, >David MacAllister, a sophomore whose homeroom is listed as Miss >Armistead's Special Education Resource Class. Crow: His teacher is Dijonnaise Monsoon? > The other candidate is >Sandi Del Monaco, Tom: Maker of fine food products nationwide. > whose homeroom is with Mr. DeMartino and is also >President of the Fashion Club. > Crow: Is the Fashion Club *that* important to mention? Mike: Anybody who can survive DeMartino's class has got my vote! >"Here are the rules for the debate. [All sigh.] Mike: Y'know, I was just thinking we needed another list of long, intricate, yet essentially meaningless details, and like magic, here they are. > Each candidate will have five >minutes to deliver an opening speech. Crow: You sure that's not too short? > Afterwards, a panel of teachers >will ask students questions, after which students can ask questions. >Questions can be asked of one or the other of the candidates, or to >both. Tom: [Ms. Li] You can even direct questions to Perry Como, but he's not likely to answer. > The candidate that the question is addressed to will have five >minutes to answer, Tom: And, as a tradition of politics, dancing around the question without actually answering WILL be allowed. > while his or her opponent will have three minutes >for a rebuttal, after which the other candidate will have another >three minutes to reply to that rebuttal. Crow: Assuming anyone's still awake by then. Mike: [Ms. Li] After which, it will break down into petty bickering. Questions? > If a question is asked of >both candidates, then I shall decide which candidate will answer it >first. Crow: [Ms. Li] They will both answer in very loud voices. > After all have had a reasonable time to ask questions, each >candidate will have five minutes to deliver a closing speech. Right >now, some of the teachers are passing out pencils and paper for >interested students to write their questions. Mike: [Ms. Li] And portable MP3 players to the rest of you. > When you have a question >written down, signal one of the teachers, and he or she will pass the >question up to me." > Crow: [Ms. Li] Sure, it'll take long, but hey, this is our glorious super-bureaucracy at work! Tom: [Ms. Li] Ah, here's one now. "Do you have Prince Albert in a -" ... wait a moment! >"And now, let me introduce you to the panel of teachers who will ask >the first round of questions. Mike: They have a separate panel for the other rounds? > They are: English teacher Mr. O'Neill; >social studies teacher Mr. DeMartino; art teacher Ms. DaFoe; economics >teacher Ms. Bennett; and school psychologist Dr. Manson." > Tom: It's great nobody holds those mass murders against him. >"And now, we will have the opening speeches. We had a coin toss before >this debate, and David won it. Crow: David gets a shiny new quarter! > Therefore, he will start first." > Tom: I was afraid of this. They're actually gonna do it! My God, we're gonna be stuck in a political debate! Mike, save us! SAVE US! Mike: Now, now, Servo. We can handle this. Besides, I'm sure the issues won't be a major factor here except the Special Ed thing. Crow: Good, I don't wanna sound preachy. >David cleared his throat and began: > Mike: Brace yourselves, we're going into the deep depths of political nonsense. Tom: Four score and seven years ago - Crow: Was how long ago we started reading this. >"Thank you, Ms. Li." > >"Ms. Li, panelists, ladies and gentlemen:" > Crow: Wear sunscreen. >"As you know, I am David MacAllister. Tom: [David] You may remember me from such fanfics as "Two Klingons, a Targ and Sto'va'kor" and "The Wackiest Slayer in Bayside High'! > I am proud to say that I am in >Miss Armistead's Special Education Resource Room. Tom: [David] We have the best homeroom banner, so there! WE RULE! > I spend about three >of my eight periods at that room. Mike: [David] So I have a .375 Special Ed average. > Prior to that, when I was still in >Sayville High School, I spent my entire day in one room. Mike: [David] Prior to that, I lived in a hatbox. > I've been in >a few towns in my life, and I do notice the same thing: Tom: Wal-Marts. Acres and acres and acres of Wal-Marts. > people like me >are treated like dirt." > Crow: [David] We're shoved into pots, and we get plants stuck in us, and we wind up in vacuum cleaner bags! *sob* It's horrible! >There was a gasp in the crowd. Crow: Oh no! He said 'dirt'! Mike: He said something blindingly obvious! Gasp! Tom: I lost a contact! Nobody move! > David, undeterred, continued: > >"Yes, it's true. Special Education students are treated like dirt. Tom: [David] And not that fancy, store bought dirt either! > You >don't know that because most of us are in one room all day, in the >area you call the 'Ghetto'. Tom: [David] Of course, I'm only in it 3 out of 8 periods, so that's not a real good example. In fact, forget I mentioned it, okay? > No one even dares leave that wing for >lunch because the other students will find them and beat them up. Tom: So, basically, the students at Lawndale High have nothing better to do than beat each other up... Mike: They're perfect candidates for the XFL! Or at least they used to be... > My >friends, this is called segregation, and it's illegal under Federal >law. Tom: [random student] Then bring it to the courts! Why run for a position with these numbskulls? Crow: [David] ...Just shut up or I'll send Daria after you! > Are we some hideous monsters that need to be caged, to be whipped >like horses, beaten up like dogs, Mike: Milked like cows?!? Tom: Trained to dance like bears?!? Crow: Swathed in silk like caterpillars?!? > threatened with our own lives? Do we >breathe fire, have claws, have sharp teeth? Crow: If ya did, maybe you wouldn't be getting beaten up so much! Mike: Well, David's just lost the Troll and Lycanthrope vote at Lawndale. > Do we molest girls and >kidnap babies? Tom: [David] If you pinch me, do I not leak? > Are we supposed to be locked up like we were common >criminals? What crime have we committed other than being born with a >medical condition that makes life more difficult than for others? Mike: Being in this fanfic? Tom: Well, to be fair, Mike, they *were* dragged here against their will. > Do >we have the plague or leprosy? Crow: Little Tommy Covenant in Mrs. Pena's homeroom does! > Why do people fear us?" > All: You talk too much! >"It is often said that people fear what they do not understand. Tom: Like brevity. Mike: [David] I'm always confusing, so they misunderstand me, thus they fear me... hey, that's it! I'll be less confusing from now on! > If >everyone out there just spent some time with us, you'd see that we're >no different from anyone else. Mike: [David] I'm just more saintly and noble and stuff. Plus, I hang out with Rage Against the Electronics or whatever. Tom: Although everyone's different in their own way, but that's beside the point. > I dare anyone of you to go to the >'Ghetto' during your next free period and spend some time in one of >our classes. Mike: And miss Kevin's daily strangling by DeMartino? > I dare my opponent to spend some time there herself." > Tom: I'm no Carville-type political expert, but generally, debating points that include the word "dare" don't usually succeed. >Sandi cringed at the thought. > >David continued: > Crow: [grumbling] Shouldn't time run out now? >"In fact, if I dare be so bold, Tom: Oh, please do! > I want Ms. Li to spend some time down >there. Mike: [Ms. Li] I'm the principal. You think I never go through my own school? > Let her see what we have to put up with over there, and then, >Ms. Li, I want you to tear down the 'Ghetto' and give us our freedom!" Crow: Wow! This is just like Braveheart, aside from this really sucking! > >Virtually all the Special Education students were here for the debate; >Mr. Steel and Mr. Smitts had so ordered to Ms. Li, lest the school >district faced legal action from the Department of Education. Mike: Even if it was "optional". Crow: [Lawyer] You must harass and annoy them as much as you do the rest of the student body. You have no choice in this matter. > They >stood up and cheered. > Mike: Too bad they were facing the wrong way. >Ms. Li stood there in shock. She then regained her composure and said, >"Will everyone settle down now!" > Tom: [Ms. Li] Or I'll unleash some bureaucratic power on your butts! >The cheering stopped. David continued: > Crow: o/~ We will start the ranting! For when we are done, they will still go on, and on, and on... o/~ >"Now I will get to my promises. Mike: Ah yes, the issues. Almost forgot there. > If elected, I promise that I will see >to it that the Student Government Constitution is amended so it's in >line with the recommendations the Federal Department of Education >made. Crow: [David] I asked them for help myself! > They will include: > >1) Tom: Oh my sweet Aunt Fanny! He's giving us an itemized list! > The enfranchisement of self-contained Special Education students by >allowing them to vote at a fixed period, since they do not go to >Social Studies class like the regular students do; > Mike: Thrill as the awesome might of the world's most powerful government is brought to bear on high school council elections! >2) Crow: Pink elephants! > The representation of self-contained and resource Special Education >homerooms in the House or Homeroom Representatives; > >3) Tom: A pit bull stadium! > That one of each group of class senators in the Student Senate will >be reserved for Special Education students, for a total of three; > All: o/~ Pad pad pad pad the fic, pad pad pad pad the fic! o/~ >4) Crow: The immediate resignation of Ms. Li, and the immediate appointment of Tom Green as principal. > That a Special Education Liaison be added to the Cabinet; > >5) Mike: Three, sir. Crow: A Sandi dartboard! Complete with "Like, Ow!" sounds. > That a Special Education Advocate be added to the Student Court; >and > >6) Tom: [David] You will give me all of your base! Yes, all of them! Crow: For great justice! Move every Li! Mike: Guys? Desist. > That an anti-discrimination clause be added preventing clubs from >barring Special Education students from their membership at the risk >of losing Student Government funding." > Mike: Now *that's* entertainment! >Sandi cringed at that. Crow: [Sandi] Like, what would the funding DO for my club, anyway? > David continued: Mike: Big surprise. > >"I also further promise that I will regularly visit the 'Ghetto' and >speak to my constituents there; Tom: [David] Of course, that doesn't mean I plan to leave my spacious penthouse on the Upper East Side anytime soon. > that I will push for improvements to >that area, and the eventual relocation of Special Education classes so >that they're more equitable spread out among the building. Crow: [David] Thereby squishing the other students into smaller rooms. Ha! > And I also >promise that I will not raise student activity fees to meet these >changes." > Tom: So in other words, he'll be concentrating all his efforts on one particular interest group, but he *probably* won't inconvenience the majority. Mike: Yep, this *is* like real-life politics. Crow: Maybe Pete writes for "The Nation" in his spare time. >"Students of Lawndale High, the choice is yours. Mike: Swiss or cheddar? White or whole wheat? Left or right? Sonic or Mario? > Keep things the way >they are, and watch people like me continue to suffer, or change >things and help improve our lot in life. Tom: [David] But not yours. Odd that. > Vote for me, and I will help >make these changes." > Crow: [David] Provided they let me reform the system dramatically. Mike: I think we're going to see the answer to that age-old question, "What if they threw an election and nobody came?" >"Thank you for your attention." > Tom: We now return you to the fanfic, already going nowhere. >The Special Education students stood up and cheered. > Crow: Everyone else was already asleep. >"Well, thank you, David," Ms. Li said rather nervously. Mike: [Ms. Li] Better flood the chamber, he's on to me! > "And now, >Sandi will deliver her opening speech." Crow: [Sandi] I vow to get us a coke machine for the cafeteria! Thank you! > >Sandi was trembling a bit now from hearing David's speech. However, >she regained her composure and went up to the microphone. She began: > Mike: For the remainder of our fanfic, Sandi will be played by George C. Wallace. Crow: And now, "Racism for dummies"! >"Thank you, Ms. Li." > Crow: [Sandi] And thanks for that generous campaign contribution. >"Ladies and gentlemen, Mike: Wear sunscreen. Tom: [David] Hey! She's co-opting my platform! > you already know me. I'm Sandi Del Monaco, Mike: Of the Hampton Del Monacos? Crow: Ruler of Monaco! And I shall annex thee into mine own Empire! > and >I'm running for Student Government President. I have the credentials >to do this job. Mike: [Sandi] See my resume? It says so! > I've been President of the Fashion Club since it was >first organized. Mike: Well, there ya go. Let's all the rest of us just go home. > I'm also the most popular girl in school" > Tom: [Sandi] And as you know, being popular means you know how to run a school bureaucracy! Plus, I'm all, like, humble and loveable and crap. >"My opponent here talks about equality and rights for his kind of >people. And, like, what does he mean by that? Mike: [Sandi] Like, what are we living in? The 21st century, or something? > I will tell you the >plain, honest, brutal truth. Crow: [Sandi] I don't know. I kinda skipped Civics when we talked about that stuff. > He wants to water down this school to the >status of being a funny farm, that's what!" > Mike: He wants to turn it into a Chevy Chase movie? Tom: [horror] No! >There was a loud gasp from the crowd. > Tom: Wow. Political suicide. You don't see that much anymore. >David gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. > Mike: Then he thrust his fists against the post, still insisting he saw the ghost. >"Calm down, David!," whispered Daria offstage; "people can see you do >that!" > Crow: [Daria] You've also got spinach in your teeth! No, don't pick it! >David did calm down. Sandi continued: > Mike: Much to the dismay of the censors. >"My opponent wants to water down our clubs like Honor Society and the >Fashion Club as well as weaken our sports teams by insisting on >affirmative action for Special Education students. Tom: Um, I don't recall David asking for a quota on Special Ed students in teams and clubs... Crow: First rule of politics, Tom: Never run on what your opponent actually said. > He wants to spread >out the Special Education classes so that we have to see his and all >the other dumb retarts' ugly faces everywhere we go. Mike: Vote for Sandi - the kind, sensitive candidate. Crow: [Sandi] I mean, if they're around, where are the faces of those who've wronged us supposed to go, huh? Tom: She copied this speech from David Duke's book. > If my opponent >has it his way, people like him would have free license to go chasing >after girls like us and molest us. Mike: [Sandi] Like, we get enough of that from the football team. > What next? Will we have to admit >geeks like Daria Morgendorffer into the Fashion Club and allow Upchuck >to play on the football team and date any girl he wants?" > Tom: THIS is her strategy? Why not just paint a big bullseye on your head and drop the editorial writers on you? Mike: Standard Upchuck reply in one... two... >Upchuck, who was in the back row, stood up and said, "I wouldn't mind >going out with you, Sandi! ROWR!" > Crow: It's the icky versus the cruel, in a match with no good guys! >There was another gasp from the crowd. > Mike: They're moving Buffy to UPN! >"Shut up, Upchuck!," Sandi shot back. She continued: > Tom: Shooting in a debate too. Man, she's racking up the violations. >"There is a reason why the 'Ghetto' exists. Mike: Because politicians need something to be concerned over every four years. > Special Education students >cannot function in a normal school environment. It's for their own >good." > Crow: [Sandi] And my own political good. Whoops! Is that another hideous remark? >"Like segregation was for the African-Americans' own good and the >Holocaust was for the Jew's own good, I guess," Jane said to Daria in >a snide side remark. > Mike: And like that show with the puppets is for the bad movie's own good... oh, wait. Crow: More comparisons. I already mentioned this Guerin-ism... no wait, here it is! Guerin-ism #214: Repeat all Guerin-isms no matter how obvious they are. >"Who wrote her speech for her, the Grand Dragon of the KKK?," Daria >replied to Jane. > Tom: It's Mystery Daria Theater 3000. Mike: What? Tom: Uh, I'm not too sure myself, Mike. Just had to say it. >"If you vote for me," Sandi continued, Mike: [Sandi] I shall laugh at you so hard... > "I promise you that I too will >keep the student activity fee at its present level. I also promise you >that our Student Government will concentrate on matters that count to >our students: Crow: Less homework? Uh oh, I don't know how David's gonna cope with that. > more extracurricular activities, more weekend >activities, Mike: More getting lost in the woods and leaving Kevin behind for the wolves. Tom: But it's the WEEKEND! Mike: I think her support went back down again. > a new scoreboard for the gym and the athletic field, and a >chicken sandwich on every lunch tray." > Tom: Oh, and there goes the vegetarian vote too. Crow: All this without increasing the fees? Tom: Oh, don't be a tax-and-spend advocate. Crow: Me? You're the one blabbing about social security! Mike: Guys, don't go political on me now. >"Kind of like a chick in every pot, huh, Daria?," Jane asked. > Tom: Hey! Someone put Tara Reid in this batch of marijuana! >"More like rubber chicken stew," Daria shot back. > Crow: Brought to you by the Rubber Chicken council. We're more than just an old joke! >"So, on Monday, like, do the right thing, and, like, vote for me and >not that dumb retart opponent of mine. Thank you." > >The crowd stood up and cheered. > Mike: That was a speech worth standing for? Tom: I guess they're thinking that the debate's over. Poor saps. >"Well, thank you, Sandi," Ms. Li said. Crow: [Ms. Li] And don't forget, you have the right to write in a third party candidate of your choice. Please!!! > "And now, our panelists will >ask questions of the candidates. Remember, if anyone in the audience >has questions, please write them down on the papers and pencils we >passed out earlier and give them to the teachers at either end of the >auditorium. Mike: The idea of just passing one piece of paper and one pencil was not a good one... > We'll start with Mr. O'Neill." > >"David," Mr. O'Neill said, "I admire you for the brave stand you're >taking by running for office. Tom: Getting a compliment from him is like OJ saying "your case is interesting." > However, are the proposals you're making >a bit extreme?" > Crow: No, hiring thugs and beating the crap out of your opponents are a bit extreme. This is just David trying to grab some power. >"Not at all," David said. "These were the proposals made by the local >office of the Federal Department of Education's Office for Civil >Rights. If we don't enact them on our own, they will sue the district >and make them comply. It is better this way." > Mike: So, even if you're not elected, they're gonna have to do it anyway? I'm confused. Tom: [monotone] We will comply. Resistance is futile. >"Well," Sandi replied, "I think it amounts to establishing a >carpetbagger government run by retarts and dummies. Crow: Gallant presents a clear, logical rebuttal to his opponent's remarks. Goofus spews out a rambling, hateful diatribe and closes by mumbling the lyrics to "Radar Love." > You don't let the >lunatics run the asylum." > Mike: Unless we're talking about Congress, in which case they run the asylum and the drug store too. >David was getting mad again. > Tom: Awww, look at his puffy red cheeks, they're so cute! >"And what would you do if you're elected," David answered, "add >'grandfather clauses' Crow: "Grandfather Clause"?!? Wow, he must be *really* old! No wonder he handed the family business off to that Kringle kid! > to prevent people like me from voting and >holding office?" > Tom: Mike? Mike: Yes? Tom: I'm getting overwhelmed by all the blunt references to the civil rights movement. Mike: Just turn your brain off and it'll all be okay. >Ms. Li interrupted by saying, "Now, now, let's keep this civilized." > Mike: Yeah. We don't want anything interesting to happen. >Things began to calm down. > >"Mr. DeMartino," Ms. Li said, "I believe you have the next question." > Mike: Hey, that was only half a minute! Tom: Shh, Mike. The shorter, the better. >Mr. DeMartino stood up, with his right eye bulging out, Crow: Bet his Visine shipment bills are through the roof. > and began to >speak in his usual neurotic tone, stressing some words over others: > >"This QUESTION is going to be ADDRESSED to SANDI! Crow: [DeMartino] UPCHUCK wants to KNOW if you'll COME with him to the DANCE next WEEK! > I want to ask HER if >SHE is either a rednecked BIGOT or a complete IDIOT for having such a >NEGATIVE view of Special Education STUDENTS!" > Mike: Idiot or bigot? Let's take a poll! Tom: The results are in. 60% say 'bigot'... Crow: 39% say 'idiot'... Tom: And 1% say 'I don't care, I still want to date her.' >Sandi was shocked at that. > Crow: [Sandi] My neck is not red! >"How dare you imply that I'm a bigot!," Sandi shot back. > Mike: Yeah! He should just declare it outright! >"If the shoe FITS, wear IT!," said Mr. DeMartino. > Tom: [DeMartino] And if it DOESN'T fit, just EXCHANGE it for a pair that DOES! Just be SURE you SAVE the RECEIPT!!! Crow: [Sandi] Like, I *know* these very basic fashion tips. >"I have to agree with him," David said. Mike: Circle gets the square! > "You want to keep us held down >to our low status. If that isn't bigotry, then I'll be hanged for a >horse thief!" > Tom: Well, there's an odd turn of phrase. Mike: Later, the mysterious disappearance of Secretariat made David all nervous and jumpy. Crow: Again, I reiterate that it's silly to base a political drama on an issue that's nearly one-sided these days. And on top of that, Sandi's strategy has been SNAFUed by the sheer audacity of it. Mike: I thought you were gonna stop preaching. Crow: I lied. >"Do you want a fat lip?," Sandi shouted. > Mike: [David] No, but I'll give you a Hawaiian Punch. Tom: Okay, add 'threatening the candidate' to the list of violations. That oughta REALLY help Sandi there. >"Please, please, everyone!," Ms. Li said, "Don't let this debate >degenerate into being 'The Jerry Springer Show!'" > All: [chanting] Ms.Li! Ms.Li! Ms.Li! Ms.Li! Ms.Li! >"C'mon, Sandi," Mr. DeMartino said to her, "you want to fight ME? >WELL, DO YOU!" > Mike: Well, here's a near-certain lawsuit for the school district. >"C'mon, you George Wallace wanna-be!," David now said, "put up your >dukes and fight like a man, and not the stuck-up sissy you are!" > Crow: Well, let her get in her wheelchair first! Tom: There goes David's politically-correct support. >"David, don't provoke her!," Daria said. > Mike: So that's what the "triumph" is! >Sandi lost it and lunged for Mr. DeMartino. David got on top of her. Crow: I'll just leave it at that. No sense in making it worse. >Daria and Jane raced in to break up the fight and were soon dragged >into it as well. Sandi's campaign team then joined in. Tom: And suddenly this becomes a rugby match. Crow: Y'know, guys, there's only one explanation. This is the mirror universe. Mike: Yeah. Any second now, O'Neill's gonna whip out his agonizer and restore order. > The crowd was >going bonkers. Tom: Mmmm. Fruit flavored candy with a hard shell. > Mr. DeMartino took a chair and flung it at Ms. Li, >breaking her nose. > Crow: [laughs] Hey, who does he think he is - a basketball coach? >"Geraldo Rivera, eat your heart out! ROWR!," Upchuck said. > [All gag.] Crow: Move along, folks. Move along, please! >All Hell had broken loose in the auditorium. Mike: The auditorium now resembled the WB's programming department. > Only after a few minutes >that someone had the sense to call in the police. A few minutes after >that, they muscled their way through the crowd and broke up the fight. Tom: [Irish accent] Alright, fanfic's over. Break it up. Break it up! I want no more of that fighting, ya hear? >It was clear that there were going to be arrests made. Mike: Yeah, a fight like this usually triggers arrests. > In fact, >everyone who was on stage was taken away. What was going to be a >civilized debate had become a three-ring media circus, and no one it >seemed was going to assay the role of being the ringmaster. Mike: Thankfully, a tiny car full of clowns soon arrived to calm the roiling crowd. Tom: Guerin-ism #943: End a scene with some silly analogy that adds up to nothing in the long run. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >At the police station, Jake, Helen, Warren, Deanna, Trent, Amanda, >Darren, Rage Against the Machine and the Straight-Edgers had all raced >down as soon as they heard what happened. Crow: Soon, even more people were arriving! Like Tori Spelling! Mike: Bruce Boxleitner! Tom: Huey Lewis and the News! Crow: Greg Kinnear! Mike: The Orlando Magic! Tom: Michael, Janet *and* Victoria Jackson! > Helen was having some choice >words with the desk sergeant: > Tom: Oh, it's just like "Law & Order". Only not as good. Crow: [Helen] (a) Will you go out with a friend of mine? She's cute. (b) I need to borrow your phone. Or (c) LET DARIA GO! >"Mind you, officer, I'm one of the most respected lawyers in this >town! Tom: [desk sergeant] So is Matlock, but I'm not giving leeway for him, either. > I could sue your department for false arrest and violating all >these people's civil rights." > Mike: You could sue them for turning your daughter into a newt too, but that doesn't mean any of those things actually happened. Tom: [Cop] Ma'am, there was a huge fight! We have dozens of witnesses! Crow: [Helen] You dare question my Divine Right of Attorney?!? Seize him! >"Look, lady," the desk sergeant said, "right now, these people are >facing at least charges for disturbing the peace. And God only know if >any of the individuals involved are going to press charges against the >others for assault and battery. Mike: [cop] Plus, they all gotta sign the release form so we can send the video to "World's Funniest Debate Forums" on Fox. > I just can't release them unless >everyone agrees to just put this nonsense behind them. After all, it's >just a Student Government election!" > All: THANK YOU!!! Crow: At last, a character with an ounce of perspective! Mike: The voice of reason! I'd forgotten what it sounded like! >"'Just a Student Government election!,'" Helen said in an indignant >tone. Tom: YES! It's just a Student Government election! > "This is more than just that, officer! Crow: [Helen] It's a Student Government election that tangentially involves my daughter! > We're talking about >empowering Special Education students who have been oppressed for >many, many years here!" > Crow: All the way back to 1776, when Abraham Lincoln discovered America! Mike: [Cop] They beat each other up, pure and simple, and we're not letting them go until the charges are dropped, comprendre? >"The ghost of Tom Joad will haunt you, pig, if you don't let them >go!," Zack said in a threatening tone. > Mike: [cop, confused] A Springsteen CD will haunt me? Tom: Well, if nothing else, ya gotta admire Roach-boy's chutzpah for going to a police station and threatening a cop. Mike: Mmmmmmm, no I don't. >"Are you threatening me, Mr. de la Rocha?," the desk sergeant said. > Crow: [Beavis as Cornholio] Are you threatening me?!? Heh heh heh... Mike: [puts hand on Crow's shoulder] Crow? Crow: Yeah? Tom: You know we love you. Crow: Sure. Mike: But do that again and I'm suspending your kitchen privileges. Crow: Awwwww... Tom: Think of it as tough love, Crow. >"Well, I guess I'll see you in court then, officer," Helen said. "It >won't help the police very much if they were seen as having falsely >arrested innocent persons and had to pay millions in damages!" > Tom: But they're not innocent! They were in a fight! >The desk sergeant gulped hard, then got on the intercom and said, >"Bring those people we arrested at the high school riot over here >now!" > Mike: [mumbling] Oh, yeah. Threatening the police is always a good idea. Crow: [cop] We got people who missed all the excitement the first time, so we need 'em to do it again. >In short order, Daria, Jane, David, Sandi, Ms. Li, Mr. DeMartino and >all the others who were on stage at the time of arrest were dragged >out. > Crow: The LPD had to let prisoners go free just to fit all these characters into the station! >"Look, I'm going to say this just once!," the desk sergeant said. Tom: [Cop] But you're ALL crazy! Every last one of you! Why couldn't I go to someplace normal, like New York or Detroit? >"We're willing to drop the disturbing the peace charges if all of you >agree to drop any assault and battery charges against everyone else. Crow: Doesn't the DA have to dismiss cases, not the police? >You have ten seconds to make up your minds!" > Mike: At this point, all involved set aside their differences and agreed to sue the Lawndale PD. >Everyone grumbled their consent. > Crow: Nuts! Almost kept them out of the fanfic! >"OK, ladies and gentlemen," the desk sergeant said, "you're free to >go. And I don't want to see your ugly mugs in here again!" > Tom: Unless, of course, they're all filled with sweet sweet coffee! >Everyone flashed hostile glances at each other without saying a word. Mike: Even Daria shot a glance at Jane, and vice-versa! Tom: Tonight on "Hard Copy"! The REAL story behind the scenes of Daria! >It was going to be a tense weekend, that was for certain. > Crow: Well, sure! I mean, what with the Shriners being in town and all! >Daria, Jake and Helen got to their car, then drove off. > Mike: Thank goodness they did it in that order. >"Daria," Helen said, "just to let you know, we're not mad or anything, Crow: [Helen] After all, we've let all those other fights you had slip by. >since it seems that Mr. DeMartino started all this. Mike: [DeMartino] What do YOU mean I started THIS? I WASN'T running for PRESIDENT! > But don't you >think this whole campaign is extracting a rather high price for a >worthy goal?" > Tom: [Jake] Yeah, young lady! Do you think we're made of money? >"Mom," Daria, Crow: Ooo, she decides to speak without verbing herself. Tom: How very Zen. > "you put it best yourself: 'In for a nickel, in for a >dollar.'" > Crow: Not a very profitable investment portfolio, is it? Mike: "'Yes in principle' is often a synonym for 'no.'" -- Timothy Garton Ash Tom: "In our time, political speech and writing are largely the defense of the indefensible." -- George Orwell >"For God's sake, Daria," Jake interjected, Mike: [Jake] Don't confuse me with Helen's mumbo-jumbo! > "we're just lucky that >there won't be any legal action in all this. Whatever disciplinary >action you might face in school, of course, is another matter. I just >hope that nothing else is going to happen." > Tom: What, no rant against his father or a bone-headed comment? >When they pulled up to their house, Mr. Steele and Mr. Smitts from the >Department of Education were waiting for them. > >"Aw, Hell," Jake said, "what do they want now?" > Mike: [Jake] Probably gonna sell me some Department of Education cookies. God, they taste AWFUL! >When they stepped out, Mr. Steele spoke first: > Tom: [British] Hello. Remington Steele here. This is my associate, Miss Laura Holt. >"You should be more careful about leaving your youngest daughter alone >in the house," Mr. Steele said; "she almost polished off this bottle >of whiskey when we stopped by to see you." > Crow: [Steele] But she ran out of Old English. Mike: Boy, she's really reacting badly to being cast in this fic. >"WHAT!," Helen shrieked; she ran in, and sure enough, Quinn was lying >on the couch, crocked but good. > Tom: [Quinn] Oh, ith those loserth I live with, and Janeane Garath - Garathfi - that mithery chick! Crow: Ladies and gentlemen - Guerin explores the possibilities of booze! Mike: Booze - the cure for a fanfic! >"QUINN!," Helen roared, "I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THIS!" > Mike: [Quinn] HIC! I'm auditioning for the HIC! lead role in HIC! the Drew Barrymore story. HIC! >"I'm-HIC!-all washed-HIC!--up!," Tom: Washed up in sweet, sweet booze! > Quinn said; "I've been--HIC!--kicked >out of the Fashion--HIC!--Club; I've lost all my--HIC!--best friends; >I've been reduced to--HIC!--working for David MacAllister's campaign >team! Who wouldn't get--HIC!--drunk over that? HIC! HIC! HIC! HIC!" > Crow: So, to sum up - hic. Mike: Quick, get an ipecac, or a paper bag! Tom: Booze gives you hiccups? Wow, is there anything it CAN'T do? >"You march right up to your room, young lady, this instant!," Helen >snapped; "I'll deal with you later!" > Crow: This anti-Quinn thing's almost as bad as the anti-Riker in "Episode 666"! Tom: So? Crow: Just noting. >"Anyway, Mrs. Morgendorffer," Mr. Smitts said, "we just spoke with the >MacAllisters, and now we're speaking to you about this. Mike: Special Appearance by Agent State-The-Obvious. Tom: [Mr. Smitts] This fanfic, it's driving everyone nuts. We ask that you cease beating up everyone to a bloody pulp. Crow: [Daria] NEVER! I will never stop kicking crotches! > Since we fear >that there's going to be violence at the election, we're going to have >FBI agents surrounding Mr. MacAllister and your daughters from now >until the election results have been announced. Tom: [Smitts] We're calling in Dale Cooper to come by and dance with a dwarf. Crow: Oh, just call the National Guard. That oughta help the situation. > Further, we're going >to have the National Guard present at the school; Tom: [Smitts] One of them, at least. He'll be guarding the coffee maker in the teacher's lounge. Crow: Never mind. > the President has >already Federalized them in case the governor has any objections." > Tom: Welp. Apparently, the sane cop is a lone voice crying in the wind here. Mike: Don't be surprised if we find Ms Li standing in the schoolhouse door to further drive home the "lesson". Crow: This has all the subtleness of a rhinoceros in combat boots. >"Well, if this isn't Little Rock all over again," Daria said >sarcastically. > Mike: Soon, Daria and her pals found themselves subpoenaed by Ken Starr. >"It's for your protection, Ms. Morgendorffer," Mr. Steele said. > Crow: [Steele] But the ridges are for your pleasure. >"Anyway, we've got to go home now," Mr. Smitts said. "It's getting >late. Tom: [Smitts] We're missing Black Scorpion. > Try not to kill each other or anyone else until the election is >over, OK?" > Mike: [Steele] We're talking to you here, Daria. Crow: [Daria] Wait, he made a sarcastic comment! No wonder mom cries every time I mention the Department of Education! >With that, Mr. Steele and Mr. Smitts left. > >"OOOOOO, I'm real mad at Quinn getting drunk!," Helen said. "I'm going >to talk to her right now." > Mike: Sympathy for Quinn is like showing sympathy for Wile E. Coyote. We understand the plight, but we really shouldn't be rooting for the person. Crow: Makes it all the more frustrating, Mike. >"Daria," Jake said, "I hope you haven't done anything like getting >drunk!" > Mike: Oh, so this must be the scene where Daria preaches about her low-tolerance of alcohol. >"Dad," Daria said, "you know the strongest thing I ever drink is >soda." > Tom: [Daria] Of course, I *have* been pouring buckets of smack into my veins every day, but *no* booze. >"Good for you, Daria!," Jake said. Mike: [Jake] Better to have rotten teeth than a rotten liver! Crow: [Helen] Daria, you'll never be in the social crowds again without the sweet taste of booze! > "See, I can be a good parent! Now >if only my father was as understanding!" > Mike: Raising a kid who doesn't drink at all, even moderately, is being a good parent? >"But he wasn't and he sent you to military school," Daria said, as if >she knew what Jake was going to say next. > >"Gee, how did you know that I was going to say that next?," Jake said. > >"Let's just call it a woman's intuition," Daria replied. Tom: Woman's intuition. Running gag. Same thing. Crow: Alternatively, you can call it "babethink". >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- Mike: Meanwhile, back in Wisconsin... >Helen gave Quinn a good chewing out and grounded her for the weekend. Tom: Just for getting drunk at home. Isn't the hangover punishment enough? >Daria, however, since she was only trying to protect David, was not >punished. Crow: Of course not! Daria's just an angel! Why punish the main character for beating up people? > The next morning, Daria decided to sleep in a bit late. It >was about 8:30 AM when the phone in her room rang. Tom: [Daria] Better be those script changes... > She got up and >answered it. > >"Uh--YAWN!--hello?," Daria spoke into the phone. > Mike: [Daria] Do I like hairy movies? Well, "Planet of the Apes" was okay, and I liked "The Fisher King", but "Patch Adams" pretty much sucked. >"I'm sorry, Daria," David said on the other end, "did I wake you?" > Crow: [Daria] By Jove, Holmes, what an extraordinary deduction. Now translate this for me - *zzzzzzzzzzzz* >"Oh, no!," Daria said in surprise; "I was just getting up." > >"Listen," David said, "I was wondering if you could go with me to see >my Special Education teacher?" > Tom: Is that what you call it nowadays? Sheesh, they must have a big thesaurus just for that one word! >"You want me to meet your teacher?," Daria said. > >"OK, so it isn't exactly anyone's idea of a fun time," David said, >"but she's real nice, as well as her husband." > Mike: [David] They're named Mickey and Mallory Knox. They've got a neato gun collection! >"OK, OK," Daria said, "let me get dressed and I'll meet you over at >your place." > Crow: [David] But why bother dressing? Heh, heh. >"Good," David said. "I'll see you in a little while then." > >"Sure," Daria replied; "Bye." > Tom: [Daria] I can't believe my date's gonna be a trip to his teacher. Why not the movies or a picnic? >She hung up the phone and proceeded to get dressed. Mike: What? We're not gonna find out WHAT she's gonna be dressed in? Guerin, you okay? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >After getting dressed and meeting David at his place, he and Daria got >Jane (Daria had called her and invited her; "What the Hell," Jane had >said, "I can't think of a better way to waste my Saturday") Crow: [Jane] Pathetic, ain't it? Mike: Hmmm, the author must be rushing here a bit. Tom: So are we. Come on, fanfic, move! > and went >to the W. E. B. DuBois Apartment Complex. Mike: To their surprise, it was actually the W.E.B. *Griffith* Complex. Soon Daria, Jane and David found themselves at the Marine Boot Camp at 29 Palms. > For a housing development, >it looked fairly decent. Tom: Mike? Lawndale's a suburb, isn't it? Mike: I think so. Tom: Well, how many suburbs have housing projects? > They went to Apartment 3-7D, in Building 3, >which was the residence of Nathan and Alicia Armistead. Mike: Sure, fanfic... just shove the symbolism down our throats. > David rang the >doorbell, which was answered by Nathan. > >"Why, hello, David," Nathan said. "Come in. Who are your friends?" > Crow: [David] My political operatives. >"Pastor Armistead," David said, "these are my friends Daria >Morgendorffer and Jane Lane. They're classmates of mine at Lawndale >High." > Mike: [David] I French kissed one of them. Try to guess which one! >"You're an ordained minister?," Daria said. > Tom: Yep, the good guys here definitely have a case of Inflated Nobility. Crow: [Nathan] Yep. I'm ordained in the Church of the Unified Consciousness! It only cost me $7.95! >"Yes I am, Daria," Nathan said. "I'm a Baptist minister. I also belong >to the Lawndale Community Theater." > [All groan.] Crow: Community Theater? We're *really* doomed. Tom: [Nathan] Have you seen my one man show, "Skeet Ulrich, Skeet Ulrich, Skeet Ulrich"? Mike: Wait guys, maybe it's not that bad. At least he doesn't work for Roger Corman. >"Now I know you," Daria said. "Mom and Dad saw you perform in their >recent production of 'The Man of La Mancha.'" > Mike: Oh, he's a singing preacher. Tom: I saw him perform a medley of Whitesnake songs while reading from 1st Thessalonians. It was moving. >"Yes, I did," Nathan said. "I played Don Quixote." > Crow: How appropriate. David's fighting windmills too. Mike: [Nathan] I also played Frank N' Furter in a recent Rocky Horror Revival. >"Wow, an African-American Don Quixote," Jane said; "what a concept!" > Crow: They're called "Moors", Jane. >"And I got good praise for it, too," Nathan said in his baritone >voice. Tom: [Nathan] None of that bad praise, thank goodness. > "I was inspired to take up acting when I was young by watching >Paul Roebson films. Perhaps you would like me to sing a bit for you?" > Mike: [Daria] Almost as much as I'd like to gnaw my arm off. Tom: Uh-oh. I sense a musical interlude coming on, guys. Crow: Gee, Servo, what was your first clue? >"Sure," Jane said, Crow: Damn you... > "anything can beat having to hear my brother Trent >and his friend Jesse Moreno mangle every chord known to man on their >guitars." > Tom: Mangling chords. Must be a new 'in' thing with amateur rock bands. >"Anyway," Nathan said to David, "Alicia has been keeping me informed >of your campaign. I know that sometimes the goal looks far away, and >that you're fighting impossible odds, so I wanted to sing this for >you. Mike: o/~ Who threw the overalls in Mrs. Murphy's chowder? Nobody spoke so he shouted all the louder... o/~ > It's from 'The Man of La Mancha'. It's called 'The Impossible >Dream.'" > Tom: An affordable health-care system? Mike: A good Renny Harlin movie? Crow: The end? >Nathan cleared his throat and began to sing in his rich, deep baritone >voice: > Tom: [Nathan] Previously on Gargoyles, oops, wrong series. >"To dream the impossible dream, Crow: o/~ Might be a sign of some sort of mental disorder that you should see your doctor about o/~ > to fight the unbeatable foe,/ Mike: o/~ Will probably leave you in the hospital with several broken bones and contusions o/~ > To bear >with unbearable sorrow, to run where the brave dare not go." > Tom: Cincinnati? >"To right the unrightable wrong, to love pure and chaste from afar,/ Tom: o/~ Means you're not a Clinton or a Kennedy o/~ > To >try when your arms are too weary,/To reach the unreachable star!" > Crow: Oh no! It's a Voyager crossover now! >"This is my quest, to follow that star,/ Mike: o/~ And hope I'm not arrested for being a stalker o/~ Tom: Arrrgh! Do we really need to hear the second verse?!? > No matter how hopeless, no >matter how far,/ Crow: No matter how stupid the plot thickens! > To fight for the right without question or pause,/ Mike: But don't you need at least some questions to be at least accountable? Crow: That's a question, Mike! No questions! > To >be willing to march into Hell for a heavenly cause!/ Tom: I didn't know God had his own infiltrators! > And I know, if >I'll only be true,/To this glorious quest that my heart will lie >peaceful and calm/When I'm laid to my rest." > Crow: Mainly, 'cuz it won't be beating anymore. Mike: [dull] La, la, la... can we get on with it already? >"And the world will be better for this;/ Tom: Yes! It'd be better for the song ending! > That one man, scorned and >covered with scars,/ Mike: Seal? > Still strove with his last ounce of courage,/ Crow: o/~ Whadda they got that I ain't got? o/~ > To >reach the unreachable stars!" > Tom: Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, you've been warned. >When he was done singing, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Mike: Thanks to the suppression of the WTO rioters outside the housing project. > Even >the normally impassionate Jane was crying a bit. Crow: [Nathan] Now I'll sing the Time Warp! o/~ It's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the riiiiiiiiight! o/~ > The silence was >broken when Alicia came in, clapping. > Mike: She was trying to get the lights on. Tom: [Alicia] Stupid... *clap* frickin'... *clap* lights! >"Now you know why my husband got such good reviews," she said. Crow: The newspaper critics are too kind? > "Hello, >David. Are these two ladies friends of yours?" > Tom: [David] Yeah, isn't it neat? >"The lady with brown hair is Daria Morgendorffer," David said, "while >the one with black hair is Jane Lane." > Mike: [David] I'd point to them, but I'm still overcome with emotion. Crow: Guerin-ism #596: The hair, the hair, the hair! >Daria and Jane both said, "Hi!" > Tom: Normally, it would actually be "Hello! How are you? We are so glad to meet you, Alicia Armistead. I am Daria Morgendorffer, and this is my friend Jane Lane, along with David MacAllister, and Pastor Nathan Armistead." >"Nice to meet you, ladies. I'm Alicia Armistead, David's Special >Education resource teacher." > Mike: For those who slept through the scene, here's our recap. >"As you can see," Nathan said, "we don't exactly live in the lap of >luxury here in the DuBois Complex. Crow: The *Benson* DuBois Complex. Tom: [Nathan] Odo and Neelix share an apartment just down the hall. > Between our salaries, this is the >best we can afford. Tom: [Nathan] Still, we have good unions. Odd that. > But we live pretty comfortably for what we make. Mike: [Nathan] Want to see the closet, I mean kitchen? >Besides, the good Lord looks after all his children, even us." > Crow: When he's not breaking spears, that is. Or tossing flaming chariots around. >"What I don't understand," Alicia said, "is that Special Education >teachers like me have much more difficult jobs than the regular >teachers, but we don't get any more money for our efforts. Mike: Oh, must we talk politics all fanfic? Crow: Less taxes! More spending! Elect me! All this and more on "Tummy of the 'Richard'"! > Of course, >now with everyone cutting back on social services, our jobs are being >made more difficult. Tom: Daria's good friend, President Gore, is cutting social services? That bastard! > David is one of the lucky ones. Mike: Oh, he's Teela Brown. > There are quite a >few more like him who unfortunately fall through the cracks. Crow: [Alicia] They should really fix that floor. > And I >don't even have to tell you the horror stories of abuse and neglect >that goes on in some other districts around the country." > Tom: I must say, Pete hid it well. Mike: What's that? Tom: The big red "MESSAGE" stamp across this section. >"Now you know why I must run for Student Government President," David >said. Crow: [David] I want a crack at that pot of soft money before McCain-Feingold dries it all up. > "Maybe I won't win this election, but if I can only open the >door a crack, others who will follow me will kick that door down, and >others will follow them. Mike: Yeah, SWAT teams. > Maybe I won't see any results in my lifetime, >but if the next generation reaps the fruits of my labors, then it will >have been worth it." > Mike: [David] So, when am I getting elected? >"Would all of you like some tea?," Alicia said. > Tom: It'll help wash down the corny foreshadowing. >"David and I will have our usual Earl Grey, light on the cream, light >on the sugar," Nathan said. > Crow: And suddenly, Captain Picard possesses everyone in the scene! >Daria and Jane gave each other puzzled looks. > Mike: [Jane] I thought it was "Tea, Earl Grey, Hot"? Crow: I'm still wondering where they hid the replicator. >"I don't even have tea for breakfast!," Jane whispered to Daria. > Tom: [Jane] I have whiskey! And a carton of menthols! >"Just play along with the game," Daria said; "at least we didn't have >to wear formal wear to this place." Tom: [Jane] Good thing, too - my Givenchy gown is at the dry cleaners. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >After having their tea, everyone was having a good conversation. Mike: Suddenly, Guerin's become that "Creeping Terror" narrator. Crow: [Guerin] It was a very interesting conversation. > Daria >then asked Alicia about how David was doing. > Crow: Well, why ask her? He's sitting right there next to her. Tom: She needs independent confirmation. >"He's making a lot of progress," Alicia said. Crow: [Alicia] He's up to K and he only tears his cubicle apart twice a week now! > "If you look at his >overall academic record, he's made some astonishing achievements. I do >know some of his past history. Tom: Or at least what hasn't been sealed by the courts. Crow: [Alicia] I snuck into the files last week at school! Wanna read? > When he was first enrolled in >kindergarten, the school psychiatrist thought that he was either >autistic or retarded. Mike: [Alicia] But he was just misunderstood! Bots: Awwwwwww... > In fact, he did spend some time in a special >school for retarded children for most of his elementary school years, >until they made the right diagnosis. Crow: That he was just boring. > Did you know that ADD is one of >the most difficult behavioral disorders to properly diagnose?" > Mike: I bet she didn't. Tom: Two years later, and what a difference it made! Now they can't stop diagnosing it! Got a scratchy chin? ADD. Neck too sore? ADD. Feel like French kissing someone? ADD. >"I didn't know that," Daria said. > Mike: I called it. Tom: Yeah yeah, Jose Feliciano saw that one coming, Mike. >"Of course, it didn't help matters when he was transferred to Sayville >School District," Alicia said. Mike: [Alicia] They were so busy singing about Christmas over there... > "They grossly underfund their Special >Education program there, and the system is rife with abuse and >neglect. Tom: So they were treated like the non-special ed kids then? Crow: Boy, "rife" sure gets a bad rap. Mike: Yeah, it seems like the only time you hear it is when it's something bad happening, like "the system was rife with abuse and neglect". Crow: "Fraught" is the same way. > David was unfortunate in that he didn't get the type of >teachers that would be sympathetic to him. Tom: To sum up, tough love sucks. > Only when he arrived here >did he get a chance to get the help that he really deserves." > Tom: If things are really so fine and dandy then WHY IS DAVID COMPLAINING? *huff huff pant* >"Why do some districts do things like that and get away with it?," >Jane said. > Crow: Yes, illuminate us, Socrates. >"It's because they don't understand people like David," Nathan said. Mike: [Nathan] He's really misunderstood! Honest! He just French kisses people at random, but hey... >"As a minister, I preach that God loves all of us, no matter what we >are. Tom: Mike, does He love Robots too? Mike: I would imagine so, yes. Bots: Phew! > As the old hymn goes, Jesus takes us just as we are. Crow: Yet He STILL does not want fries with that? > But it is >humans who make all the suffering. Tom: Yeah, I thought so! Crow: Once again, *Mike*, humans are bad! Mike: Yep, we're one hypocritical bunch, us humans. Pretzel? > When trouble breaks out in school, >and a Special Education student is involved, their punishment is >usually more severe than if it was done by a so-called 'normal' >student. Tom: Much like in that scene there... from... a few years back. > Are people so afraid of others who act differently, who have >problems adjusting to everyday situations that most of us can cope >with?" > Crow: Yep. Folks generally fear the unknown. Tom: Nathan needs to get out more. >"Someday," Daria said, "maybe we will have a society that won't judge >David and others like him as harshly as they do now. Mike: [Daria] And maybe we'll have a society where it's okay to wear suspenders again! > But, then again, >the cynic in me doubts that." > Mike: [Daria] Yet the sugar-frosted side in me says otherwise! >"If everyone who participated at the march in Selma, Alabama had that >attitude," Tom: [Nathan] We wouldn't be using this comparison right now! Crow: *sigh* Another comparison? Look, just compare David to Nelson Mandela next and get it over with! > Nathan said, "people like me would still have to sit in the >back of the bus and be denied the right to vote." > Tom: Well sure, if you ignore the efforts of the hundreds of thousands of others who fought for equality. >"Touché!," Jane said to Daria. > Crow: Gesundheit! >"OK, I'll concede that," Daria said. > >"The fight for rights by Special Education students is no different >than the fight African-Americans had to wage for their rights in the >1960's," Nathan said. [All groan.] Mike: Well, if you take your brain out to play with while you read this, then yeah, I guess it is. Crow: Okay, they've compared David's plight with that of Moses, the Jews, the African-Americans. Now all we need is to compare it to the problems in the Balkans, and we'll be set! > "The only thing is, we're still fighting >misconceptions that go back to the Middle Ages about the mentally, >emotionally and behaviorally challenged. Tom: Behaviorally challenged? Crow: Yeah, you know. Like Harris and Klebold. > It's not going to be easy >debunking those misconceptions. Mike: [Nathan] So we're bringing in CSICOP. > You saw that firsthand yesterday, >Daria." > Crow: [Daria] Yesterday? I've been having it for years now! >"Yes, and I still have the bruises for my troubles," Daria said. > Tom: [Daria] But the others have more bruises, so it's okay! >"If we can bring some fundamental changes in the system," Alicia said, Mike: [Alicia] We could make all SORTS of stupid rules! Tee hee! >"future generations who have David's problems won't have to put up >with the type of abuse he's been going through." > Crow: Sheesh, they're as preachy as the crew on Voyager! Mike: Well, one of the persons here is a minister. Crow: Shut up, Mike. >"And the first step will be to win the election on Monday," David >said. > Mike: Baby-step to the election, baby-step to the election... >Jane looked at her watch. > Tom: [Jane] Must... hypnotize... myself... to... avoid... sappy... inspirational... speeches... >"OOPS!," she said, "I'd better be on the run! Mike: The cops are arriving? That's odd... > My mother was going to >need my assistance in tracing some stray hot spots in her kiln!" > Crow: [David] You *always* say that! Mike: [Jane] Do I? Heh. Then, uh, I gotta go see a horse - about a dog. >"I thought she got rid of all of them," Daria said. > Tom: [Jane] Yeah... well... bye now! >"I thought she did myself," Jane said. She got up and left. > >"We'd better be going ourselves," David said. "I was going to go to my >place. Mike: [David] Or maybe to Sydney. I've heard their Opera Hall is quite spectacular. > Want to go with me?" > >"Sure," Daria said. She turned to the Armisteads and said, "It was >nice meeting the both of you." > Crow: [Daria] As nice as hearing Quinn go on about the new shipment at Cashman's. >"Same here," said Nathan. > >They all shook hands, then Daria and David left. > >"Daria and Jane are pretty nice people," Nathan said; "I wish they >weren't so negative about matters." > Tom: Hey, if they weren't there wouldn't be a series here. >"Give them time," Alicia said. "Time has a way of softening all >opinions." Mike: In that case, Strom Thurmond ought to be all mushy and gelatinous by now. Crow: I thought he was. Mike: Eeew! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Daria and David went inside David's house. His parents weren't home. Tom: [Church lady] How convennnnnnient! >David grabbed some soda to drink and gave one can to Daria. Mike: Daria produced a baby tooth and dropped it into the drink to watch it dissolve. > They drank >it and then went to David's room. Tom: Every agenda item detailed, carefully and with great cunning. > They were going to discuss some >last-minute strategy but Daria had something else on her mind as well. > Crow: She got her mind on her money and her money on her mind! >"Where are your parents, anyway?," Daria asked him. > Crow: [David] Oh, they're at a party at Jack Carter's Place. >"They usually go out for a drive on Saturdays," David said; "they'll >be gone most of the day." > Mike: [David] They used to take me with them, but I kept finding my way back. >Daria figured that this would be the best time to get this off her >chest. > Tom: So she ripped off her bra! Boy, it was giving her *such* a rash! >"David," she began, "I guess you realize now that I love you. Crow: [sighs] Gee, the heroine falls in love with the previously unknown character. I've never seen that one before. > I admit >that I have feelings for Trent, but so far he hasn't reciprocated my >feelings for him. I know you haven't had any luck with women, Mike: [David] Hey! Did Annabelle tell you that too? Tom: [Daria] You did. Mike: Oh. > so I >wanted to give you a chance at something every teenage guy like you >wants." > Mike: [Daria] So here's a CD full of bikini shots of Jeri Ryan and Alyson Hannigan. And a Playstation 2. Crow: What is "Things never heard in real life," Alex? >"What do you mean by that?," David asked. > >"David," Daria continued, "I'm saying that we should move our >relationship to the next level and . . ." > Mike: Start dating? >"And what?," David inquired. > Tom: Fight the Orcs? Crow: Search for the seventh jewel? Tom: Continue on to the Drazhi space station? Crow: Storm the terrorists' jungle base? Mike: Uh, guys? >"And. . .and. . ." Tom: What, Mike? Mike: I don't like the way this is heading. Crow: Our patter? Mike: No, the story itself. > Daria was a bit nervous; she was the type who >usually didn't throw herself at the feet of a guy, Tom: Especially one with corns. [to Mike] Look, we *all* hate this story, Nelson. Mike: I know, but - I've got the feeling we're heading into rough waters. > but David was an >exception; despite his problems, he was really a sweet guy. > Tom: Yeah, both of them get really mad and beat up people for no reason, so they have a lot in common. Crow: You mean - Mike: Yes. >Finally, she found the courage to say, Crow: [Daria] Whew! I said it! Well, I'm going home now! See you Monday! [Normal] C'mon, Mike - Pete's taken us to some pretty bad places, but there's no way he'd ever do anything... > "and have sex." > Crow: ...explicit? [pause] Tom: Well, that's it then - we're doomed. Crow: Yeah, thanks a lot, Mike! Mike: Hey! I didn't... Tom: No, it's too late for that now, Nelson! Just accept responsibility and move on! >"Are you serious?," David said. "You don't look like the type who >would throw herself at a guy like that. Tom: [Guerin] I said that already. Crow: [David] Oh, sorry. > This isn't some peer pressure >thing, is it?" > Crow: *She* *wants* *to* *have* *sex* *with* *you*! Mike: [Daria] No, so ignore all those kids outside the window yelling "GO DARIA GO!" >"David," Daria said, "I do not succumb to peer pressure. Tom: [Daria] Tom Jones music and "Titanic" though... > Besides, I'm >old enough to know what I'm getting into. Mike: Yes, at 17, you finally know everything. > David, I love you, and you >love me. Tom: It all makes sense now! Barney is behind this! > If we care for each other, and if you're ready for this, then >let's go for it." > Crow: His persistence pays off and the female finally allows him to mate. Tom: Forget what their parents think, I'm sure they won't have any problems. Mike: Well, if they weren't so hard on Daria for her thug-hiring techniques, I guess a little sex is okay too. >"Thank goodness they handed out these condoms at school then," David >said. > Crow: No discussion, no hesitation - just hormones ahoy! Mike: Remember kids, love means always having sex. Tom: See? I told you those free condoms would cause problems. Mike: Tom? This isn't the time or place. >"Enough talk, David," Daria said. Tom: [Daria] More unnecessarily-detailed narration! > She took off her glasses and then >removed David's and began to French kiss for a few minutes. Crow: At least, they *thought* they were doing that, what with their glasses off. > David had >an erection, and Daria felt it. > Tom: Oh, how nice. Crow: Well, so much for lunch. Forever. >"Is that normal?," David asked. > >"Yes, it is," Daria said. "Didn't they tell you that in health class?" > [Silence] Crow: Daria's health class seems to be rather comprehensive. Mike: Heck, my health class just consisted of Mr. McConighey telling us "Don't." >"I haven't taken it yet," confessed an embarrassed David. > Mike: In that case, David hasn't learned about sex yet. Tom: Then why are they doing it? Mike: It only matters that Daria knows, apparently. >They began to kiss again. David stuck his hand in the back of Daria's >shirt and rubbed her back. She did the same to him. Tom: This is the oddest physical therapy technique I've ever seen. > Then they began to >take off their clothes. They started with their shoes and socks, then >they stripped down to their underwear. Crow: So they're having itemized foreplay? > David was wearing an undershirt >and briefs while Daria was wearing a bra and panties. Tom: Good. Because, y'know, if it was the other way around, then it'd be a whole different kind of story. > They laid down >on his bed and French kissed some more. David then found the courage >to undo Daria's bra and removed it. Crow: Looks like you're getting payback for your "rip off the bra" remark, Tom. Tom: Yeah, well, you know what they say - instant karma's gonna getcha. > When he saw her breasts, he asked, >"Gee, I didn't know you were small-breasted." > [All laugh.] Mike: Now, on Whose Line, the World's Worst Thing to Say While In the Middle of Foreplay. >"Well, I don't have much in the way of hips, either," Daria said. She >yanked off his shirt, then he yanked off her panties, followed by >Daria removing his briefs. Tom: [nervous] Heh heh heh. There *will* be an end to this before we get too much further, right guys? [Silence] Tom: I said, there *will* be an end to this before we get too much further, right guys? [More silence] Tom: C'mon guys, work with me here! Crow: I'm afraid to guess, Tom. Mike: Yeah, there's this sick sense of expectancy in the air. > David was amazed at his erection. > Mike: [David] That's *it*?!? Crow: If he starts singing "You Are So Beautiful"... >"Am I going to hurt you with this?," he asked. > Tom: Hey, this is a Daria fic. Shouldn't there be theme music playing in the background? I can just hear "Like a Virgin" playing in the background now! Mike: Tom? That's not helping. >"Not if you penetrate slowly," Daria said. > Crow: Muh-muh-muh-mike! Make him stop! Mike: [grim] I wish I could, Crow. It's out of my hands. Bots: EWWWWWW! Mike: Uh, so to speak. >David grabbed the condoms he got from school, which he had put in the >top drawer of his dresser. He put one on. Mike: [Daria] David? That doesn't go on your head. > He then got on top of Daria >and French kissed her again. Tom: [Daria] Ow! Standing on my stomach doesn't help! Get off! > He then positioned himself for >penetration. He tried to introduce himself slowly so that not too much >pain and bleeding would result. > [All sob and weep.] Tom: Oh dear sweet baby Torgo! This is just wrong! Crow: And on so many levels! Mike: And it's not even provocative - it's about as sexy as a user's manual from an 84 Ford LTD!!! >"Is it in?," he asked. > >"You're not trying hard enough," Daria said. > Mike: This is like having sex with Siskel and Ebert. Tom: That riff is wrong for so many reasons, Mike. >He tried again. He heard a soft snap, Tom: Oh, that's just our belief in justice in the universe. Pay it no heed. > then he easily entered Daria. >They kissed while he thrust in and out of her. Crow: Like a perpetual motion machine made by Larry Flynt. > He could see Daria's >breasts bounce up and down as she moaned softly, leaning her head back >and moaning. Tom: AAAGH!!! I may begin moaning myself in a moment! > He then fondled her breasts, then began to lick and suck >on them. > Mike: I think the operative word here is "suck"! Tom: This is that damn three-fold law catching up with us, isn't it? >"Yeah, that's it, David," Daria said. "This feels so good!" > Crow: [Daria] Faster Trent, I mean Beavis, I mean David! >David continued to thrust inside her. Finally, after a while, he >ejaculated and withdrew. He collapsed next to her. > Mike: And instantly fell asleep. Crow: Get used to that, Daria. It'll be happening for the rest of your life. >"Well, what do you think?," David said. > Crow: [Daria] When are you going to start? >"You were wonderful," Daria said. > Tom: [Daria, monotone] Yes. You were the best. I've never experienced such rapture. >"You're not just saying that, are you?," David asked. > Tom: [Daria, monotone] Of course not. You were the greatest. Let me call the press so other women can experience the genetic sledgehammer that is David MacAllister. >"You should know by now that I don't say things just to say them," >Daria answered. > Mike: [Daria] I generally use this thing called a "script". Boy, I sure wish I had one right now. >After he rested, David then dove down into Daria's crotch and ate her >out. All: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! > He then placed his penis in Daria's cleavage and rubbed it up and >down until he ejaculated in her face. Mike: [hyperventilating] You - you guys are - are - are too young for thththis! Tom: [hiding under the seats] Strom Thurmond's too young for this! > Daria then rolled him onto the >bed and went down on him. Crow: Ah-huh-huh-huh! Please! No more! Mike: We surrender! Just - just stop using crappy exploitative cartoon sex as a weapon! > David was amazed at how deep she could take >him in. Tom: [still under seat] Hahahaha, look at that - all love, joy and goodness in the universe just died! How quaint! > After that, they did it "doggie-style", then David fondled, >licked, sucked and even bit on Daria's breasts. Crow: [banging his head against Mike's shoulder] Oh, how I long for the sweet release of death! > He finished off by >masturbating and ejaculating on her nipples. Mike: Steady - steady on, fellas - it can't last much longer! > They then fell exhausted >into each other's arms. > [All heave a huge sigh of relief.] Mike: Unfortunately, his parents had been back for several hours. Tom: [emerging] Is it - is it over? Crow: I, I, I think so. Mike: *phew!* You guys all right? Tom: Well, except for needing years and years of intense Adlerian therapy, I think I'm okay. Crow: Yeah, and the knowledge that I'll never again know true love and happiness doesn't seem to have affected me more than usual. Mike: Well, one thing's certain - whatever else this story has in store for us it *can't* be w- Bots: NO!!!! Mike: What? Tom: You'll jinx it, Nelson! >They slept for an hour. When they awoke they showered and got dressed. > Tom: Where's Senator Lieberman when you need him? >"David, you were wonderful," Daria said. > >"Let's keep this between us," David said. "No one has to know." > Mike: Lord, no one else would *want* to know! Crow: Hey, we've got blackmail material! >"Good idea," Daria said. "We don't need the rumor mill going on this." > Mike: Yeah, the London tabloids will have a field day. >They then discussed last-minute campaign strategy for a while before >Daria left for her house. Neither of them was going to forget this for >some time. Crow: Who can ever forget an intense discussion of last-minute campaign strategy? Mike: Why, they'll treasure the memories for whole hours! Tom: That reminds me, Mike, would you flip our reset buttons? Mike: Remember what happened the last time I did that? Crow: Good point. I don't want to think I'm Andy Dick again. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >While all that was going on, at the Taylor residence, Brittany's >obnoxious kid brother, Zed, who was also an Internet surfer, Crow: Not to mention being a bald, toothless Cockney anarchist. > was >scoping the Fashion Club's chat room for some dirt. Mike: His cunning alias "NoOne" allowed him to flit from chat room to chat room unnoticed. > Brittany came in. >Despite his obnoxiousness, Brittany liked Zed; after all, Tom: He's the last letter of the Canadian alphabet! > he had his >uses, like when he terrorized the lab mouse Kevin and Daria were using >as part of a science class project when Brittany thought Daria and >Quinn were trying to steal Kevin away from her. > Crow: You know! The episode! With the boyfriend! And the stealing! And the lab mouse! Tom: Narf? >"Zed, what's up?," Brittany asked Zed. > Mike: [Zed] It's WASSAAAAAABI now, Brittany. Get with 1998! >"Man, you should check out the Fashion Club chat room," Zed said. Mike: [Brittany] Don't tell me... cybersex? Crow: [Zed] Uh, yeah... but you'll never guess who! >"They're all bickering about kicking out Quinn Morgendorffer and Sandi >Del Monaco's campaign for Student Government President." > Tom: [Zed] They also keep talking about some guy named BJ on the football team. Mike: Sheesh, with this in-fighting, I wonder if the Fashion Club's support has dropped to single digits. >"Oh, my!," Brittany gushed; "Next thing you'd know, they'd be accusing >Sandi's opponent, David MacAllister, of sleeping with his campaign >manager, Daria Morgendorffer!" > Mike: Oh, bitter irony. Crow: In the middle of the DAY too! >"Guess what?," Zed said, "they have. Of course, that doesn't mean that >the allegations are true." > [All cough, as if nervous.] Mike: [Zed] But I went ahead and called the Lawndale Tattler anyways. >"Well, Zed, you should never believe anything they say on the >Internet," Brittany said; "most of it isn't true!" > Tom: Even the scores on nfl.com? I knew the Baltimore Ravens didn't win that easily! >"By the way," Zed said, "I think Upchuck put some secret cameras in >the girls' locker room." > >"What do you mean?," Brittany said. > Crow: [Zed] I mean I think the stock market should recover some of its losses in the upcoming quarter. Why, what'd *you* think I meant? >"He's got a Web site up called 'Lawndale High Cheerleaders Nude.' Tom: Hey, I'm sure that the Feds don't mind that blatant bit of kiddie porn. Nope. They don't mind that at all. > And >apparently he's got some choice photos of you in the altogether!" > Mike: [Zed] So, how's it like when you're in your birthday suit? Crow: [Brittany] Oh, like, shut up! >"WHAT!," Brittany shrieked. "Did you get printouts of this?" > Tom: [Zed] Yeah, I pasted them all over Pizza King. There a problem with that? >"Yes, I did!," Zed said, handing them to her. > Tom: You know, he was *remarkably* casual about admitting that... Crow: And in addition to everything else, we have voyeurism and just a touch of a brother-sister thing here. Mike, if we ever get the chance to actually meet Pete in person, grab us by our arms, functioning or otherwise, and run like heck. Mike: Way ahead of ya. >"OOOOOOOOOO!," Brittany said, "Upchuck is going to be dead meat on >Monday! Crow: Fried chicken on Tuesday, and tuna sandwich on Wednesday! > Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Zed." > Tom: [Brittany] It's always better to learn about this sort of thing from family! >"Sure," Zed said. "So, what do you think the election will turn out?" > Crow: More boring descriptions of the process and pointless violence? Tom: [Brittany] Just as long as there are no chads, I'm happy. >"Who knows?," replied Brittany. "I've got to go now." She left. Zed >continued to monitor the Fashion Club chat room when a hacker calling >himself CR3 entered. This is what was on the screen: > Mike: Yeah, he hacked his way into a *chat room*! Crow: Obviously a quite ruthless and dangerous cybercriminal. >CR3: Ladies, I can be of some service to you in defaming David >MacAllister. > Tom: [CR3] I'll write a letter to the editor of the Lawndale Times! >SandiNo1: What do you mean by that? > Crow: Please. This isn't a real chat room! Where's the 40 year old guys pretending to be 16 year old boys picking up 13 year old boys pretending to be 19 year old Swedish Stewardesses? Where're the louts shouting unending profanities? Where're the losers making sexual comments about everything? >CR3: I have in my possession photos I took with a secret camera I put >in his room when I paid a visit to him one day. It has him and Daria >Morgendorffer making love, love, love! ;-) > Crow: Oh. My mistake. It is a real chat room. Tom: And by "love", in this case, he means "twisted, demented acts of carnal indecency". >SandiNo1: Upchuck, is that you? > Tom: No, it's Christina Ricci no. 3! Who do you think? Crow: Sandi no one? Ouch, that's a little mean! >CR3: Guilty as charged! ROWR! ;-) > Mike: Good grief! How many secret cameras has this guy planted? Tom: Well, maybe he thought someone who'd try swapping tongues with a girl he'd just met was worth keeping an eye on. >SandiNo1: If you're being on the level, come to my place right now and >give them to me! Crow: [Upchuck] But wait, I'm on an inclined plane! > This is the chance I've been waiting for to ruin him! > Mike: Or it may turn out to be yet ANOTHER backfire. Either way, Sandi's desperate. >CR3: Of course, there will be a small fee, let's say $20? > Tom: $20? Larry Flynt will pay $5,000. >SandiNo1: Make it $10. > Mike: Does everybody in this town need a bribe to do something? >CR3: $15, and that's my final offer! ;-) > Tom: [Upchuck] Hey, what does |-tthhhpt! mean? >SandiNo1: Deal! > Mike: There's a poker option in the chat room? >Zed was aghast from what he just read. He decided that only one person >could stop them. Mike: Sadly, that person was Robert Downey Jr. > One person who was now an ex-member of the Fashion >Club and related to Daria. Tom: Jake? Crow: Oh, it *is* Robert Downey Jr. Tom & Mike: Huh? > That was Quinn. Mike: Why? Uh... we'll get to that AFTER the fanfic! Just READ! > Zed got off line, then >dashed for the Morgendorffer house. Mike: [Zed] Maybe they've got a gerbil I can hook up to Dad's car battery! Crow: How about calling? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Zed ran as fast as he could to the Morgendorffer house. He rang the >doorbell. Daria answered it. > >"Is Quinn here?," Zed asked. > Mike: [Daria] Boy, Quinn's dates are getting younger all the time. >"Yes, she is," Daria replied. "Can I ask who it is?" > Crow: Well, you can if want to. I mean, we all have free will and all that. >"I'm Zed Taylor," he answered. "I'm Brittany Taylor's kid brother." > Tom: [Zed] And no, I was not on Home Improvement. >"So, you're the one who terrorized that white lab mouse that Kevin >Thompson and I were using for a science project for Ms. Barch's class, >aren't you?," Daria asked. > Mike: *sigh* Tom: YES!!! YES!!! JUST! LIKE! YOU! ALREADY! TOLD! US! WE'RE NOT FREAKING DEAF OR MORONS!!! Crow: Guerin-ism #842: Consult the Daria episode guide for more details. >"Well, er, um," Zed hesitated. > >"Let me just say that anything that you saw can and will be used >against you," Daria replied. > Mike: [Daria] Your honor, I like to quote Zed Taylor's words exactly, if I may... "Well, er, um,"... [The 'bots gasp.] Tom: Guilty! >"Who are you, anyway?," Zed asked. > Tom: [Daria] They call me Mrs. Misery Chick! >"I'm Daria, Quinn's sister," she answered; "though she tells everyone >at school that I'm her cousin." > Mike: Though probably not anymore... >"Then I've got to speak to you and David MacAllister as well," Zed >said. > >"Gee, this is going to be very interesting," Daria said as she let Zed >in. Crow: But it wasn't. And they all expired of boredom. The end. Tom: Was that a sarcastic remark? Mike: Frankly, I don't care anymore. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >After Daria got Quinn downstairs and called David over, Zed told them >about how Upchuck planted a camera in David's room and taped their >lovemaking. David was furious. > Crow: While Quinn was curious, and Daria was dubious, while Sandi was frivolous. Mike: [David] Dammit, I was going to release that myself! This will cost me thousands! >"How could he?," David yelled. "With that, Sandi can ruin me!" > Tom: Because high school students are appalled at people having sex. >"There's only one solution to this," Zed said. > Crow: [Zed] But first there's the matter of my finder's fee... >"And that's what?," Daria asked. > Tom: [Daria] A counter-smear campaign! Mike: [David] Yes! It just might work! Find out all you can about that Marty Lewinski guy she's been dating! >"We've got to infect Upchuck's Web site with a virus!," Zed said. > Crow: [Quinn] Ooh! I know someone who has a cold! Can they help? >"Zed," Daria said, "didn't they tell you that two wrongs don't make a >right." > Tom: No, but two rights make a left. *Bdum-dum* Mike: This from someone who beat up several people for no real good reason. >"It's either that or David gets buried at the election!," Zed said. > Tom: Instead of in the backyard after Jake finds out. Mike: Just one video recording? Crow: If anything, that recording will make David's landslide that much bigger. >"OK, OK, go up to my room, and there's a computer there you can use," >Daria replied. Mike: Situational ethics. Crow: Yep. Tom: No big surprise. Next! > They went up to her room and got on-line. Zed took out >his virus disk Tom: Why, everyone should carry a virus disk at all times! Where's yours, Mike? Mike: Well, uh... [slaps pockets] I must have left it in my red jumpsuit. > and e-mailed the virus to Upchuck's Web site. > Mike: Using Daria's e-mail address? Hmmm... Crow: [spluttering] Tha hell?!? You can't *e-mail* a virus to a website! That's like kicking a bullet! >"Now, we'll just sit back and watch the fireworks," Zed said. > >"Daria," Quinn said, "if they find out about this, we're all going to >be in hot water!" > Tom: Thanks to our BRAND NEW SPA!!! Crow: I wonder if Upchuck's cameras are gonna be THERE too. >"Not as much as Upchuck will be for posting nude pictures of Brittany >on his site!," Zed shot back. > >"The old Phyrric victory scheme! I should have guessed!," Daria >muttered to herself. Mike: [Daria] I still like my idea of hiring goons better. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Upchuck was at Sandi's place. She had turned on her computer and >gotten on-line. > >"For obvious reasons," Upchuck said, "I won't hand over this floppy >disk with the original pictures until I see the money." > Tom: [Sandi] Fine! Look, I'm holding $15! Now gimme the disk! >Sandi gave the money over to him. > >"Now, let me see the pictures," Sandi said. > Mike: Wow, who knew the investigation of the Zapruder Film would wind up *here*? Crow: [Upchuck] Oh, wait, are you over 18 years of age? I have to check, you know. >Upchuck loaded the disk and then called up his Web site. > >"I just want to see if the old Web site is doing OK," Upchuck said. He >saw the site load up. But then, it began to break up and distort. > Tom: Welcome to SciFi.com! Crow: I can't hold her! She's breaking up, she's breaking up! >"What the. . ." Upchuck said to himself. > >"Upchuck, what's going on?," Sandi said. > Mike: Refresh THIS, Upchuck! >The virus that Zed sent was doing its work. The Web site was >eradicated. An error message appeared on the screen. Crow: Story has performed an illegal plot contrivance and will shut down. > Upchuck then >tried to call the pictures up from the screen, but then the virus >executed a deletion program on the entire disk, erasing everything. > Mike: Quite a robust little computer virus from a grade-schooler, ain't it? Crow: Finally! I found a moral in this story! Mike: What? Crow: Always backup your files! Mike: Well, it's only in one scene, but that's good enough. >"It's gone! It's all gone!," Upchuck said. > Tom: [Upchuck] My wonderful, beautiful porn! All gone! NOOOOOOOOO! >Suddenly, the computer hard drive crashed, and sparks shot out of the >back along with smoke. The computer was in ruins. > Tom: Now at least we know where Jeff Goldblum got that ID4 program from. >Sandi got furious and said, "Upchuck, if this is your idea of a >practical joke, I'm not amused." Mike: [Sandi] You should, like, stick to fake dog poo, and hand buzzers and stuff! > She took her money back and beat the >tar out of him, Tom: The money's really in heating oil these days, Sandi. Crow: Once again, the author falls back on people beating each other up. > then kicked him out of the house. > Mike: That was a little uncalled for. Crow: What is it with cute girls beating up boys in this fic? I mean, I'm not complaining, but... >"You'd better not come back here ever again!," warned Sandi. "If I see >you here ever again, you're history!" > Tom: [Upchuck] So long as I'm the Marquis De Sade, RROWR! >Upchuck ran for his life down the street. Mike: For his life? Are Sandi's goons in this again? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >News of the pictures and the subsequent virus infection spread >throughout Lawndale High School on Monday like wildfire. Mike: Or, pardon the irony, like a virus! > Everyone >tried to see the site but then their computers were infected. Crow: Apparently no one decided to warn anybody about the virus. Tom: See, this is why computing monocultures are bad news. Crow: It's a *fanfic* virus, Tom. Macs, Linux - Mike: -Some guy's old Amiga - Crow: -It doesn't make any difference! > Every >computer store in town was going to make a killing fixing up the mess. > Crow: Lawndale: The Town That Never Heard of Norton Anti-Virus! >Daria, Jane and Trent were not walking down the street as usual. Tom: They were just skip, skip, skipping along. > An >FBI vehicle with armored walls and bulletproof glass Crow: Plus a crunchy cookie roof! > was taking them >to school. Tom: [Daria] I wanna arrive in this when I go to the prom! It'll be neat! Mike: Just a typical school day in Los Angeles. > When they got there, they saw the National Guard deployed. Mike: Great, now Forrest Gump's gonna show up and pick up her books. >The FBI had also set up metal detectors as well. Tom: No, those have been there since the last time somebody called Andrea a goth chick. > Today was going to be >the election, and the Federal Department of Education had ordered that >all Special Education students were going to be allowed to vote. Mike: As we've already heard a billion times. Crow: Is it just me, or does it seem absurd that the Department of Education... Tom: The *Federal* Department of Education. Crow: Yes, the *Federal* Department of Education is all that worried about a student council election? I mean, is there some sort of mystical, wondrous power a student council has I don't know about?!? Mike: I dunno. My experience is that their main function is that, other than choosing the prom theme, it's all just a way for a bunch of kids to cut one class period a week. > Those >who were being mainstreamed were to vote in their social studies >classes if they took one; those who didn't and the self-contained >Special Education students were going to vote at fifth period. Crow: Why can't they just vote in their homeroom? It's a lot quicker that way! Tom: Um, Crow? It's a Guerin fanfic... fast is bad. Slow bureaucratic nonsense is good! > The FBI >vehicle pulled up to the front entrance, and let out Daria, Jane and >David. Mike: [Daria] Hey, where's my FBI valet parker! > They entered the school with National Guard soldiers and FBI >agents following them. Crow: Tom Clancy's "Misery Six"! Now in paperback! > Sandi was giving a last minute rally. > >"Is this going to be the future of our school?," Sandi said. "Retarts >running our Student Government by bayonet rule? Mike: We have the most powerful military in the world, and the FBI is STILL using bayonets? Tom: I don't see John Doggett carrying a bayonet, do you? > Vote for me and keep >the retarts out!" > Crow: Guess it's all over for Kevin and Brittany. >"I can tell that this is going to be nasty to the bitter end," Daria >said. > Tom: Truer words were never spoken. >"When will we know the results?," David said. > Mike: Pending recounts and electoral colleges, six months. >"They'll probably count the votes up tonight, then announce the winner >at homeroom tomorrow," Daria said. > Tom: [David] Is that a fact or guess? Crow: [Daria] Uh... guess. >Jodie and Mack approached them. > Tom: You know, if she hadn't dropped out, we'd never have had to read this! Crow: Yeah! BOO! BOO! Mike: Suddenly, they surrounded them! Crow: You want me to quote from my Guerin-isms, don't you? >"I just want to wish you luck," Jodie said. "Mack and I are rooting >for you." > >"Good luck, man," Mack said to David. > Mike: [David] Thanks, Mack Daddy! Tom: It took the entire National Guard to take Mack down. >Suddenly, there was a commotion. Brittany and Sandi had found Upchuck >at the same time. > Tom: But neither one wanted to clean it up. Mike: They're going to kill him. Crow: Let's not get our hopes up. >"Upchuck! How dare you post nude pictures of me on the Internet!," >Brittany shrieked. > >"You're dead meat for ruining my computer, Upchuck!," Sandi added. Mike: [Sandi] Oh, and vote for me, by the way! >They both chased him, hitting him over the head with their purses. Mike: [Python woman] Oooooh, good morning Mrs. Fashionsnob! Crow: [Python woman] Oooooh, good morning Mrs. Non-Fashionsnob! >Upchuck was going "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" > Tom: [British] No, no, like this - "Waaaah! Waaaah!" >"Well, Upchuck's chickens have come home to roost," Daria said. > Crow: And soon they'll all escape before they're made into pies. Mike: What is this story's obsession with chicken? >"We'd better make it to homeroom," Jane pointed out. > >Daria and Jane parted company with David and went to their homerooms. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Meanwhile, back at the ranch... >The election was carried out with little problem. Crow: Which means that something fishy is going on! > There were some >reports of attempts at intimidating Special Education students from >voting, but the National Guard prevented it. Tom: [gruff] Hey, you can't intimidate people like that! Now get back or we'll wave our bayonets and guns around some more! > Mr. Steele and Mr. Smitts >were going to supervise the counting of the ballots. Mike: They obviously screwed up big time somewhere down the line to get *this* assignment! Tom: [Steele] "Show the proof about Clinton to Reno", you said! "She'll do the right thing", you said! Why do I keep listening to you!?! > When school was >over, Daria invited Jane and David over to her place for dinner. Crow: If this turns out to be a threesome... Mike: No, I don't think even Guerin would go there. > They >were having porterhouse steaks. > Crow: Too bad Mad Cow takes so long to take effect. >"Man, these steaks are delicious," Jane said. > Tom: [Jane] The fat's numbing all my emotions! >"Jane, I thought you were a vegetarian," Helen said. > Crow: If she thought that BEFORE she cooked supper, she would've made a veggie dish! >"No, Mrs. Morgendorffer, but my mother is. Mike: [Jane] Just DON'T TELL HER that I ate meat! She'll freak! > However, she doesn't mind >cooking it for us at times. She's just a vegetarian because she has a >rare disorder in which she can't digest meat. Tom: Uh oh, another backstory! Any more and the flood will be too much! > She lacks the proper >enzyme of something like that." > Crow: Well, at least it's not some icky *moral* decision or anything. Tom: Yeah. Dabble in that - and next thing you know, you're president of a fashion club! >"Oh, how sad," Helen said. > Crow: The preceding dialogue was brought to you by the National Meat Digestion Enzyme Council. >"Well, David, did some last minute campaigning?," Jake said. > >"Yes, I did," David said. > Mike: The shortest answer in this fanfic. >"I hope you win the election," Jake continued. > Tom: [Jake] I remember when I wanted to run for Student Council. But Mad Dog wanted a war hero, not a "sissy" politician! I could have been the next JFK, dammit! >"Thanks," David said. > >"David," Daria said, "if you win, how soon will you push for your >proposed changes for the Student Government constitution?" > Mike: [David] Oh, that. Heh heh. I guess by the time my term will be up. That way, I'll make a big impression for NEXT election! >"As soon as I can," David said. > Tom: [David] I'm gonna lower the voting age to 18! Oh, wait... >"Of course," Daria continued, "you know about the process of amending >the constitution. Crow: And now, Daria sings Schoolhouse Rock! Tom: o/~ I'm a President-to-be, I'm a President-to-be, and I'm hoping that they will elect me! o/~ > The amendment must be passed by two-thirds >majorities of the House of Homeroom Representatives and the Student >Senate, then it has to be approved by the students themselves in a >referendum. Mike: Eh, maybe it'll take TWO terms to get it all done... Crow: And this is quicker than the State imposing the law on the school HOW? > You've got your work cut out for you, David." > >"But it will be worth it when those amendments are added," David said. > Mike: Soon, Lawndale's official religion was that of the Jedi Warriors. >"We'll wait and see," Daria said. > Tom: [David] Is that the cynic in you speaking? >"Dinner was great, Helen," Jake said. > Crow: [Jake] Thanks for cutting up my Jello! >"If course it was great," Helen said; "I'm a great cook." > Mike: Do you smell what the Morgendorffers are cooking? >"Well, I'd better be going," Jane said. > Tom: No dessert? >"Same here," David said. [All sigh with some relief.] Crow: Good, one scene is too much, but two scenes are overkill! > "But I'll catch up with you at study hall >with Jane and Quinn and either celebrate my victory or commiserate in >my loss." > Mike: Celebrating in the study hall? Not exactly a big party he's planning. Crow: [David] Either way, it'll involve a bottle of Mogen David. >"You know, David," Daria said, "why do I feel that you're the type of >person who likes the part of the opening sequence of 'ABC's Wide World >of Sports' where the guy falls off the ski jump?" > Crow: [David] Because I like seeing a guy with his head in the snowbank? Mike: Why do I feel that she needs to update her references? >"How'd you guess?," he said. > Tom: [Daria] Upchuck installed a secret camera in my living room. >"Let's just call it a fellow misery chick's intuition," Daria said >with a smile. > Bots: o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ Mike: Wasn't it a woman's intuition? And since when is David a chick? Tom: No, finding out about someone's TV turn-ons is a misery chick specialty! >David and Jane left. Now it was just a long wait until the results >were announced. Mike: Ah! Lawndale's in Palm Beach County! That explains everything! Crow: Out in California, Matt Stone and Trey Parker wait anxiously to determine who they'll base their next series on. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The next morning, things were more or less back to normal, Tom: Kevin said something dumb, Miss Barch performed unnecessary circumcisions on the male students. > but just in >case, the police had taken over for the FBI and National Guard in case >rioting occurred. Mike: Back to normal, is it? Crow: [random student] I feel like trashing a multi-national corporation all of a sudden. You? Tom: [random student] Me too. We'll raid a Denny's later. > Everyone was settled down in homeroom, waiting for >the results of the election. > Mike: What, you mean Jennings & Brokaw & Rather didn't have them on the late news? >"So, who do you think won?," Daria asked Jane. > Tom: [Jane] The Lakers. What, what were *you* talking about? >"I'm hoping for David," Jane said. "After all, he's one of us in a >sense: an outcast." > Crow: o/~ I'm on the outside, I'm looking in, I can see through you... o/~ >The PA system crackled to life. Mike: Goooood Morning Vietnam! > It was Ms. Li: > >"Attention, everyone! This is your principal, Ms. Li. Mike: [Ms. Li] Will the person who parked his or her Mercedes in my parking space please report to my office immediately? > I have the >results of the special election for Student Government President here. >But before I announce them, let me just take the time to thank the >candidates for all their hard work and sacrifice they put into this >campaign. Tom: [Ms. Li] I'd also like to thank the Academy, my mother, the sponsors that made this possible, and you, Almighty! > Remember, it's not if you win or lose, it's learning how our >democratic institutions work that's important!" > Mike: Um, I would *not* want to ask what sort of lessons the students have learned from *this* election. Tom: You mean learning about debates that turn into mudslinging, meeting people who treat you like dirt, doing underhanded things to keep your political chances alive, and smothering your opposition? Mike: Yeah. That. >"Cut the crap and tell us who won, already!," Daria muttered to >herself. > >"And now," Ms. Li continued, "here are the results. Crow: [Ms. Li] David wins Grade 8, Sandi wins Grade 9, David wins Grade 10... > It was a very >close race; in fact, it was the closest in the history of Lawndale >High. Tom: [Ms. Li] And results from the Florida homeroom are still kind of murky... > But I am pleased to tell you that by a vote of 1265 to 1235, >your new Student Government President is. . ." > Mike: Drum roll, please! Crow: [Ms. Li] Tommy Sherman! >Suddenly, there was a buzzing sound that issued from the PA system, >setting everyone on edge. > Crow: AHHHH!!! THE KILLER BEES ARE LOOSE IN LAWNDALE!!! >David was in his own homeroom, and he was very nervous. > Tom: [David] Hey, no fair! I didn't know Bumblebee Man was running! >"Well, Mrs. Armistead, are they going to tell us who won or not?," >David asked. > Mike: Yeah. The suspense is killing us. >"Have patience, David," Alicia said. > >Ms. Li got back on the PA system: > Tom: [Ms. Li] Whew! Sorry, I had a momentary case of the hiccups. Everything's fine now. Where were we? >"I'm sorry, but we have a few bugs in the PA system here. I'm going to >have to raise some money to have it fixed. Tom: [Ms. Li] Which means we'll be taking a trip to Sierra Leone next week. Remember to bring your permission slips and bullet-proof vests! > Anyway, as I was saying, by >a vote of 1265 to 1235, your new Student Government President is. . . Crow: [dully] Oh. The suspense. The heart-wrenching, gut-twisting suspense. Tom: [dully] Yes. I can hardly bear it. Mike: [dully] I'm very much on the edge of my seat. >David MacAllister! All: [dully] Yaaaay. Tom: And Ralph Nader got 32 votes. Crow: Damn! He did it again! > Congratulations, David, from all of us at Lawndale >High!" Mike: Need congratulations from an unlikely source? Just call in the Feds! > Daria and Jane, in a rare outburst of enthusiasm, let out a big >"WHOOP!" that stunned everyone. > Tom: [Waylon Jennings] 'Bout that time, them ol' Duke Boys got to Lawndale, with Boss Hogg and Roscoe hot on their tails. >At David's homeroom, David let out a big "WAHOO!" as his fellow >Special Education Student mobbed up on him, got him up on their >shoulders and paraded him around the room singing "For He's a Jolly >Good Fellow." Mike: Crashing him into a low-hanging light fixture and knocking him colder than a flounder. > The so-called "retart" had been triumphant, and the so- >called "normal" students had lost. Tom: But for the Pittsburgh Steelers, there would be another day... >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >When they met up at study hall later, Daria and Jane congratulated >David. > Mike: Right after Jane collected her bet money. >"This just goes to prove that right will always win in the end," David >said. > Crow: Well, that's bad news for the Democrats in '04... Tom: [Dark Helmet] No, evil will triumph! Because good is dumb! Mike: Actually, neither one's doing all that great here. >"Of course, the big battle for those amendments to the constitution is >still ahead," Daria said. > Crow: Slowly, but somewhat surely, they're winning. Tom: I still don't see the point in this long and painful method of a plot. >"I know," David said, "but I will go forward with confidence. I will >win this one as well." > Crow: But what about his razor-thin margin of victory? Mike: Oh, like a single Student Senator switching sides will mess up his plans. >"You know," Jane said, "your optimism is beginning to rub off on us." > Crow: Ewwww! Stop it! >"Yeah," said David, "it's pretty contagious!" Mike: Well, sure. What with all the monkeys hanging around and all. Crow: [Jane] Say, is anyone else coughing up blood? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >However, Sandi and the rest of the Fashion Club didn't share in >David's enthusiasm. Mike: Of course not, they lost. Sheesh, you think they would be happy? Tom: Well, they could be happy at getting that close a margin. Crow: Oh please, since when do people care about the margin? > They were having an emergency meeting. > Crow: Do they ever have a non-emergency meeting? >"This is unfair!," Sandi said. "By all rights I should have won! Crow: What rights? Tom: I guess she's invoking the divine right of kings. > Now >he's going to ram his changes down our throats, and the Fashion Club >will lose all its privileges!" > Mike: "Privileges"? There's three of them! They're gonna be forced to shop at K-Mart or something? >"But what are we going to do about it?," Stacy said. > Crow: Filibuster? Tom: Political protest? Mike: A special on Dateline? >"It's time for drastic measures!," Crow: Oh, and the other times were just what, a walk in the flippin' park? Tom: [Sandi] Stacy, I want you to dress up like Daria and seduce David! Tiffany, you dress up like David and seduce Daria! > Sandi said. "I'm going to contact >Todd again. This time, we're putting a contract on David MacAllister! Mike: She better make sure it's a cost-plus contract. >That's the only way we can stop him now!" > Crow: Sure, if you wanna take the evil route... again. Tom: Couldn't you hack into the computer and transfer him to another school? That'd stop him too. >"But, you're talking about murder, Sandi," Tiffany said. > Mike: Jawbreaker 2: The Next Day. >"Do you want to be kicked out of the Fashion Club just like Quinn >was?," Sandi said in an icy tone. > Crow: [Sandi] Like, what's more important, upholding the law and justice or *me*?!? >Tiffany was silenced. Mike: I suppose a lot of people would be willing to agree with murder rather than have their shirts ripped off. > It seemed that David's days were going to be >numbered. Crow: Originally, they were in alphabetical order. Tom: And we'll start counting those numbers... as soon as we get back from our break. Come on, guys. [The trio stands and exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [As the doors open Crow, Tom and Mike stand behind the command console.] Mike: Well, that was one of the longest chapters of anything that we've ever read. Tom: I personally liked the taut political drama. Mike: Tom, David won. I don't think anyone reading the story expected otherwise. Tom: Hey, after the debate, I expected a running gun battle to erupt in Lawndale's halls. Mike: Hrmph. I guess that might have been more likely than the sex scene. [Crow begins to violently shake.] Crow: Stop bringing that up, Mike. Mike: Come on, Crow. Don't be such a prude. Tom: Wuss. Crow: It was icky! I doubt if I'll ever experience love again after reading that! Mike: You said the same thing after watching "A Knight's Tale." Crow: They were playing disco! Disco, Mike! In medieval times! Tom: Oh, c'mon! Just think of it as a re- Crow: [strained] Tom, I swear, if you use that lame "Boogie Knights" joke *one more time*... [The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash.] Mike: Look, we'll discuss this later. Let's see what Pearl wants. [Mike taps the light and we shift to ...] [Castle Forrester] [A party seems to be in progress in Castle Forrester. Extras mill around while the song "Fly" can be heard in the background. Pearl, seeming quite annoyed, glares at the camera.] Pearl: Mike, I'm a patient woman, but even I have my limits. And you, my friends, are in a world of hurt. For the past two hours, there's been a party going on down here! Apparently, someone on a satellite told these people that we had booze down here, and ever since then, I've had these scummy rock stars and their entourages down here! [SoL] Crow: Hey, don't blame us for that! Tom: Yeah, there are dozens of satellites up here that might have told them that! Mike: Besides, you deserve it! You sent us this story with this icky sex scene! Crow: Hey! You just said... Mike: Quiet, Crow. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [angrily] Mike, regardless of what I've sent you, I did not deserve *this*. Sugar Ray has been raiding my fridge! McGrath just ate six sticks of butter! And they brought Super Cat with them!! Super Cat! You're going to pay for this, Nelson! [SoL] Tom: Oh, we're scared. Crow: Do your worst, Pearl. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Fine, Mike. Your funeral. Brain Guy. Bring in the singers. [Observer enters and concentrates. The Brain Guy SFX play, and a stereotypical lounge act appears.] Pearl: Mike, meet Lounge Against the Machine. Hit it boys. Cheese: Thank you, gorgeous. I'd like to start off with a favorite of mine, and I'm sure it's one of yours. o/~ In the not too distant future, Next Sunday AD - that's Anno Domini, folks. Mike Nelson and his robot pals, are caught in a nasty place! They really don't wanna be there. They try to survive, the wrath of Pearl, a really coo-koo gal who wants to rule the world, everybody wants to rule the world! From her castle below, she sets her sights above, because she loves to torture all the captives on the Satellite of Love! o/~ [SoL] Mike: Weak, Pearl, weak. We made it through that crossover between "Ed, Edd and Eddie" and "Swingers", and you expect a bad lounge act to stop us? Guys? Show Pearl what we can do. [Cambot pans back to reveal Tom and Crow watching a TV.] Mike: Look! They're watching "Suddenly Susan" reruns! Willingly! Crow: [overly cheerful] Wow! I never realized what a fabulous comedian Brooke Shields is! Tom: [forced] This is even better than that three and a half hours of "Jesse" reruns was! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [snorts] Mike? What exactly have my son and I been doing to you for these many, many years? [SoL] Mike: Oh. Yeah. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: My turn. Brain Guy? Do your stuff. Observer: Of course. Mike? I'd like for you to meet... [A young, vaguely familiar man enters.] Observer: This is Jaleel White. He played Urkel. But now he's here to perform his new one man play, "Mr. T.: His Life and Times - The One Man Play." Jaleel: Thank you, Observer. [He reaches down and places a Mohawk wig atop his head.] Ahem. I was born a... [SoL] Mike: Pearl? We saw this when it was on Bravo last week. Crow? Tom? Crow: Thank you, Mike. [Tom enters, carrying a banjo. He stops next to Crow, and music begins to play.] Bots: o/~ Oooohh, the Lord said to Noah, there's gonna be a floody, floody! Lord said to Noah, there's gonna be a floody, floody! Get those children (clap, clap) out of the muddy, muddy! o/~ [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [interrupting] Hold it! I'm sorry. Is this supposed to send me screaming out of the room? [SoL] Crow: Nope. It's supposed to plant itself in your brain and spew itself into your consciousness at odd times over the next few weeks. [Castle Forrester] [Pearl is silent.] Pearl: Damn you. I'm sorry, Mike, but you really have to be punished for that one. Bobo? Hit it. [The camera pans left to reveal Professor Bobo, attired in rather skimpy lingerie. Behind him stand several other gorillas dressed similarly. Bobo begins to sing into a microphone. The back-up gorillas begin to dance seductively. Well, as seductively as lingerie-clad humanoid gorillas can dance.] Bobo: o/~ He met Marmalade down IN old Moulin Rouge Struttin' her stuff on the street She said, "Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?" Oh! uh huh o/~ [SoL] [Crow's jaw is agape. Mike has covered his eyes with his hands. Tom nods along with the music.] Mike: Dear lord, Pearl! Have you not an ounce of mercy in your soul? Tom: I kinda like it. [Mike turns to Tom in horror. Crow still stares at the screen in shock.] Mike: Tom? Are you... Tom: What? It's got a good beat! And that monkey can sing, Mike! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Ready to give in, Mike? [SoL] Mike: [coldly] All right, Pearl. You've forced me to bring out the big guns. Just remember, you brought this on yourself. [Mike reaches down beneath the console and produces a roll of aluminum foil. He tears off a piece from the roll and crumples it into a small ball. He holds the ball up, and tosses it into his mouth and begins chewing.] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl is aghast.] Pearl: What are you... oh!... Stop that! Mike! Ugh! [SoL] [Mike is still chewing vigorously.] [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Mike! Please! Oh, all right! You win! Just head back to the theater and for Pete's sake, stop chewing that foil! [Pearl cringes and shuts off the camera.] [SoL] [The lights flash as Mike grins and removes the foil from his mouth.] Mike: Ha. Nice try, Pearl. [Mike high fives the bots and then hits the lights, and the door sequence begins...] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters and takes their places.] Mike: Pearl thought that she could mess with us. Crow: Yeah, we showed her. Tom: You be... hey! Wait a minute! If we won, how come we're back in the theater?!? [Pause] All: Hey! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 7: Sirhan Awaits in the Kitchen! Crow: o/~ Sirhan awaits in the kitchen I know, I know, Sirhan awaits in the kitchen with Di-i-inah, Strummin' on his four-point-oh! o/~ >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The next scheduled meeting for both the House of Homeroom >Representatives and the Student Senate was going to be the following >Monday. Mike: At which point they'd immediately vote themselves a pay raise and then adjourn until the last day of school. > David was going to devote the interim to whipping up support >for the proposed amendments to the constitution. Tom: And if that failed, he'd just whip up a hearty breakfast! > It frankly wasn't >going to be easy. Crow: And, unfortunately for us, it definitely was not going to be fast. > The battle in the Student Senate was going to be the >easier of the two; Jodie, as Vice-President, served as President of >the Student Senate and could drum up some support. The House of >Homeroom Representatives, however, was going to be more difficult. Tom: He'd have to deal with Dick Armey Junior. >David had found out that in during the elections held for that body, >Sandi had been elected and was engineering to have herself be chosen >Speaker. Mike: Which is surprising, since she usually considers engineering majors to be kinda geeky. > The Speaker had broad powers to block resolutions in that >body. Crow: Uh, wouldn't the Speaker be a little bit, oh, I dunno, impartial? Tom: Apparently, this legal loophole escaped Sandi's "plans". > Getting the two-thirds vote there was going to be extremely >difficult if not impossible. > Mike: This is what you'd get if you crossed "Advise and Consent" with "Dawson's Creek". >David, Daria and Jane were all over at David's house, calling all the >members of both houses. Crow: All they kept asking was if they had Olive Oil in a can. > There were fifteen members of the Student >Senate and sixty-three members of the House of Homeroom >Representatives. Tom: In other words, the entire student body. Mike: Don't ask, it's just Guerin playing with numbers here. > Thus they needed ten Student Senators and forty-two >Homeroom Representatives to back their cause. [Mike sniffs.] Crow: You okay? Mike: Yeah. I just miss him. Tom: Do you think just before he croaked, he thought "So this is it. I'm all going to die?" Mike: Not funny, Tom. > If the amendments passed >both houses, two weeks later, the referendum would be held, and a >simple majority was all that was needed to ratify. Mike: Sigh. We now return to C-SPAN 3. Tom: Guerin, you wrote this already! True, it wasn't big and detailed, but don't you know short and sweet is sometimes a GOOD thing? > By custom, the >amendments would be first presented to the entire memberships of both >houses, then referred to the Rules Committee of both houses, since >they dealt with the rules of how Student Government operated. Mike: Meanwhile, these kids are so caught up in this legislative minutiae that they're missing classes left and right. > David, >Daria and Jane had started by contacting the members of both >committees: the Student Senate's committee had five members, while the >House of Homeroom Representatives' committee had eleven. Crow: Any second now, he's gonna give us names, heights, and favorite Life Saver flavors. > They just >needed three of the former and six of the latter Tom: Intense percentages action! > so that the >amendments would clear the committees and go to the entire membership >of both houses for consideration. > Mike: Now I know why our governments usually don't go anywhere. Crow: If Sandi can't stop them, the process will. >Daria had contacted the chairman of the House of Homeroom >Representatives' Rules Committee, a guy named Brian Gorestein. > Tom: [snickering] Brother of Al Gorestein, right? Crow: Guerin's gone Gore crazy! >"Brian," Daria began, "this is Daria Morgendorffer. We're calling you >in regard to the proposed amendments to the Student Government >Constitution which will allow for representation for Special Education >students. Mike: WE'RE? Does Daria think she's royalty already? Tom: [Daria] Accept it or kiss our royal misery butt! > Can we have your backing on it when it comes to your >committee for a vote?" > Mike: [Brian] Huh? What committee, dude? Crow: [Daria] The Rules committee! Pay attention, this is vitally... Mike: [Brian] Whatever, man. Look, I gotta go - Matt and Topher are comin' by and we're goin' to the mall to cruise for chick action! >"Gee, Daria," Brian said, "Sandi had promised me that she'd appoint me >to the more powerful Ways and Means Committee if I towed the line for >her." > Tom: Feel the powerful political intrigue of tenth graders! Mike: [sputtering] Dear lord! It's just a frigging Student Council! It's less prestigious than the AV Club! Crow: I wonder why these student council guys aren't beaten up every day by the other students. >"Come on, Brian," Daria said, "if the Student Government doesn't do >this on its own, the Federal Government will force it down their >throats anyway." > Tom: [Daria] I'm sure they'll take a break from that silly little "dead rising from their graves" issue to deal with this. >"I'd have to think about it. . ." Brian said, then hung up. > Mike: [Daria] Well, I'm sure that was an encouraging sign! >"And good-bye to you, too!," Daria sneered as she hung up. Then she >turned to Jane and said, "I'm getting nowhere at this." > >"Ditto," mumbled Jane. > Tom: Megadittos! Crow: Have you ever tried personal meetings? They're more effective than an artificial phone conversation. Mike: Next, Daria will surf the Internet and chat with Committee members! >"We must not give up hope yet," David said. "You heard what Pastor >Armistead said. Mike: [Nathan] You're in office now, so get off your butts and do some work! > The protesters at Selma didn't give up after they were >beaten back in their first attempt. Crow: Of course, they were only dealing with a squadron or two of highly armed State Troopers and a hostile governor, not a bunch of whiny, snot-nosed high-schoolers. > We must continue, or the struggle >will be lost." > Tom: [David] The Intellectual Struggle between the worker Special Ed students and the capitalist Normals! ... Hmmm, doesn't seem right. >Warren stepped in and said, "Hey, everyone, did you want dinner? We >brought in Kentucky Fried Chicken." > Mike: [Warren] I repossessed it and dragged it all the way here! >"You got Extra Tasty Crispy?," Daria said. > Crow: [Warren] No, they were out. I had to settle for Extra Supremely Fantabulously Tasty Crispy. >"Sure do," Warren replied. > >"Count me in, then," Daria said. She, Jane and David headed into the >dining room. Lobbying for votes was going to have to wait. Crow: Yeah, screw justice and civil rights, who wants a drumstick?!? Mike: Chicken first, politics later. Tom: I wonder if Martin Sheen adopted that in "The West Wing" yet. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Zed was in his room, doing his usual surfing of the Net. Mike: [Zed] Blast! Abrams is doing Stick-Figure Week again! > He had >stumbled onto the "Man of War Magazine Chat Room" when he came across >a rather frightening conversation: > Mike: Zed's scared of race horses. Sad, really. >ToddMeister: Mike: Way to hide your name, Todd. > So, you want me to bump off this David twerp, do you? > Tom: [Todd] I could've done it earlier, you know. Crow: [Sandi] Shut up and listen to me babble for a while! >SandiNo1: Yes, I do. > >ToddMeister: Well, young lady, it will cost you some money, you know. > Crow: Ward Cleaver, top mob hitman. >SandiNo1: Don't worry; my parents are loaded. > Mike: Yeah, but do they have money? >ToddMeister: I don't expect them to just give you the money for this >so easily. > Tom: [Sandi] They'll never notice. They're, like, off at a party at Jack Taylor's. >SandiNo1: Don't worry, I usually use their charge card. Mike: Honey? What's this charge on the AmEx for a "Soprano's Special"? Tom: Visa, Mike. 'Cause thugs don't take American Express. > Do you have >any blank slips? > Crow: [Sandi] Or checks? Don't ask me, but somehow I know all this crooked stuff! >ToddMeister: In fact, I do have a supply of them I heisted from a >department store. I use them when I rip off other people's credit card >numbers and send them along with a rather convincing bill. They >usually pay up. It's better the mugging. > Mike: [Todd] But the bill thingy makes me sound so brilliant! >SandiNo1: Good. At least my mother won't be that suspicious then. > Crow: Unless he itemizes the bill for each body part shot. >ToddMeister: I'm setting a rate of $100 for this hit. Crow: Fairly reasonable for a touch. Mike: Todd belongs to that discount murderer's club, Whacks'R'Us. > Just tell me >where and when. > >SandiNo1: Next Monday at 2:00 PM, Lawndale High School Auditorium. Crow: [Sandi] Look for a man with an umbrella and a stylish pink carnation. > Go >to the projection room and stake out there. Mike: Emilio Estevez and Richard Dreyfus will be waiting for you. > I'm expecting David to >deliver a speech for his amendments then. Tom: [Sandi] He told me so. > Wait until I give you the >high sign. Crow: [Todd] Oh, that's when you roll your eyes upward and start laughing horribly, right? > I will pay you after the job is done, and not before. I >want to make sure you get it right. > Tom: [Sandi] And, like, wear something that matches. If you're going to kill for us, you need to look more fashionable. >ToddMeister: Take it from me, you'll get your money's worth. > Crow: In these hectic times, with so many hitmen competing for your hard-earned dollars, be sure to give Todd a try. He'll go that extra mile! >Zed knew he had no time to waste. Mike: That Bad Ronald video would be coming on any minute, and he had to find a blank tape! > He got a hard copy of the >conversation and raced to Brittany's room. > Crow: The littlest hacker of them all, on the next Hard Copy! Tom: Brittany? How about the police? Ever thought of them? Mike: I guess he doesn't want all those FBI agents and the National Guard hangin' at the school. >"Open up, Sis!," Zed said. > Tom: [Zed] I have you surrounded! Come out with your ponytails up! >Brittany opened the door. She was wearing a gray sweatsuit since she >had just finished her exercises. > Crow: And this changes the plot in what way? Tom: Oh, must everything be about the plot? >"Zed, what is it?," Brittany said. > >"Take a look at this printout I just got from the 'Man of War Magazine >Chat Room,'" Zed replied. > Mike: [Zed] It's MatrixGames! They're making another version of Steel Panthers: World at War! >Brittany took a close look at it and her jaw dropped. > Mike: She should sue her plastic surgeon for that. Crow: [Brittany] Just $100? Oh wait, the David thing... >"I know that Quinn won for the race for representative in her >homeroom," Brittany said. Tom: Yeah, there's a lot of that going on. Crow: When Brittany's the one who springs a plot development, you get sort of thoughtful. Mike: With all the fun she had during the campaign, it's no wonder Quinn decided to run for office! > "We've got to tell her about this!" > Tom: Police? FBI? Media? Hello? >"And I've got to tell Daria, Jane and David also," Zed said. > Mike: And Judy, and Steve, and Uncle Bob... Crow: [Brittany] Can't you tell them "also" over the phone? It'd be quicker! >The two of them raced down the stairs. Their stepmother saw them. > >"WHOA!," Stella Taylor said; All: STELLAAAAAAA!!!! > "What's your hurry?" > Tom: [Stella] Is there another sale at Mervyn's again? >"We've got to go to the Morgendorffer house right away!," Zed said. > Tom: [Zed] MTV's setting up its "Real World - Lawndale" series there! >"OK, but I expect you two to be back by 9 o'clock," Stella said. > Crow: Sure thing! The hit should be over by then! >Brittany and Zed got out of the house faster than greased lightning. Mike: John Travolta and Jeff Conaway are left angry and bitter. Crow: I never got that phrase. I mean, wouldn't you get electrocuted if you tried to grease lightning? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The doorbell rang at the Morgendorffer house. Tom: And Lurch instantly appeared to answer. > Jake was watching "The >NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw"; Mike: But Brokaw's on assignment, so here's Stone Philips. > Brokaw was talking about the >momentous changes that had been going on at Lawndale High. Crow: [Brokaw] Middle East peace talks crumble, Japan has started World War III, Canada has taken control of the United States... but first, our top story - Kid gets elected to Student Government! > Jake got up >and answered the door. > Tom: [Jake] The neighbors better not be complaining about the gophers in my lawn again. >"Why, it's you, Brittany and Zed!," Jake greeted them. Mike: [Jake] I know you from some Daria episode in which you did something and stuff! Tom: [Brittany] Wow, I remember that too! I did something and stuff! Crow: [Zed] Oh yes, I remember that vaguely. It's about me and Brittany doing something and stuff! > "What brings >you here?" > Mike: [Brittany] A car. See? >"MMMMM, Crow: Bop? Mike: [chuckling] No, I doubt it. > well," Brittany began to say, Crow: But then stuttered, and asked Zed to fill in. > "Mr. Morgendorffer, we need to >speak to both of your sisters." Mike: Huh? When did Daria's aunts arrive? Crow: Could just be a typo. Tom: Or it could be Brittany being a stereotypical dumb cheerleader again. > Since Zed told her that Quinn and >Daria were both sisters, Brittany was at least sure of that. > Mike: Or he could be lying. But hey, she's trusted her 'obnoxious' brother so far. >"Gee, this is a surprise!," Jake said. "Well, you're in luck! Tom: [Jake] We have them, and other fabulous prizes behind these three doors! Pick one and get the prize! > Daria >just got back from David's house and Quinn's free tonight! Tom: Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie finally realized *they* were each other's true loves. > I'll get >them!" Jake went to the foot of the stairs and shouted, "Daria! Quinn! >Brittany and Zed want to see you!" > Crow: Is that how we draw them out of hiding out of the wild? Just call their names? Shoot, I should do that with ducks. Mike: You don't hunt ducks. Crow: Oh. Well, maybe I should start. >The two of them raced down the stairs. Daria and Quinn were surprised >to see them. > Tom: Then they made some obscure joke about a previous Daria episode. Crow: I'll add that to the book of Guerin-isms. Mike: [Daria] Look, Zed, I don't have any more small animals! >"Brittany, Zed," Daria began, "what brings you here?" > Mike: [Brittany] A car. See? Your brother-dad already asked. >"It's a matter of life and death!," Zed began. > Crow: [Daria] Oh, is it about your Internet access again? Get over it! >"Could we go up to your room and talk about this in private, Daria?," >Brittany said. > Mike: After all, adults should not find out anything about this. I mean, it's a murder attempt, but... >"OK, but you enter at your own risk," Daria warned. Crow: Brittany and Zed's lifeless bodies were later found at the bottom of Daria's punji pit. Mike: A tad dark, don't you think? Crow: This story has darkened my soul, Nelson. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >When they got up into Daria's room, Zed showed Daria and Quinn the >printout of Sandi and Todd's conversation. > Mike: [Daria] Whoa, that's randy! And your parents let you read this stuff? Crow: [Zed] The other page! Mike: [Daria] Only $100? Oh, the David thing... >"I never thought Sandi would stoop this low," Daria said. Tom: I never wanted to know that Sandi could stoop, eww... > "Now you >know what type of people the Fashion Club really attracts, Quinn." > Mike: Yeah, who knew the world of fashion was so cut-throat? Tom: I hear Donna Karan is an instructor for the CIA. >"Oh, Daria," Quinn said, "what a fool I've been! Can you ever forgive >me?" > Tom: [Quinn] Oh, and apologize for beating me up? Crow: [Daria] Hmmm, let me think. No. >"I will if you start identifying me as your sister instead of your >cousin," Daria said. > Crow: It's kinda HARD now to do otherwise... >"I'll think about it," Quinn said. > Tom: [Daria] This is not a negotiation. You will submit! >"I've got to call Jane and David about this," Daria said. "I've also >got to call Trent, Rage Against the Machine and the Straight-Edgers as >well." > Tom: And the police? Crow: Hah! What can they do that a bunch of disaffected rock stars can't? >"I just hope we can prevent this tragedy, Daria!," Mike: By making another tragedy? > Brittany whined as >she twirled her hair around her finger and stared into space. > Crow: [Brittany] Say, that star looks like a big bone for some reason. >"I just hope so, too," Daria said, grimly. Tom: [Daria] Oh, who am I kidding? Die, Todd, die! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The day of the meeting of the House of Homeroom Representatives had >arrived. Mike: Translation - Today is Monday. > The first meeting of the school year was always an >organizational one. Crow: Which means MORE boring political stuff! > A new Speaker had to be chosen, and committees >chosen as well. Mike: Soon thereafter, student lobbyists arrived. Crow: I hear that former members who've graduated can come back and freely wander the floor as lobbyists. Tom: Where's McCain/Feingold when you *really* need it? > Those who were re-elected usually were renamed, Tom: Yeah, Jodie was originally named Cleopatra Jones. > while >those who lost or graduated of course had to have their vacancies >filled. By tradition, the Student Government President called the >meeting to order and presided until the Speaker was chosen. > Crow: But this was a Guerin fanfic! So they did something completely different and time-consuming! >The time was approaching 2:00 PM. Mike: School work? What's that? > Most of the representatives were >already gathered. There would be an opening ceremony where Ms. Li >would give David the President's gavel. Crow: And a big bag of yummy walnuts! > After presiding the election >of the Speaker, David would preside with that gavel over the Student >Government Cabinet's first meeting the next day. Tom: Basically, he'd whack, they listen. > The Student Senate >was meeting at the cafeteria. Tom: They voted unanimously to impeach the lunchlady for obstruction of appetite and conspiracy to commit creamed chipped beef. > David, Daria and Jane had spent all of >the past week trying to whip up support for their amendments. Mike: Well, whipping them anyway. > Although >he did manage to get some support, getting the two-thirds majorities >he sought was still in grave doubt. Crow: Hey, time for the death threats then! > Daria and Jane said they would >meet with him later. > Tom: After they consult with their local bar. >Unnoticed, Todd's car had pulled up to the parking lot. Mike: [onlooker] Hmph, van with a White Power mural. That's nothing unusual. > Todd disguised >himself rather well so that he could elude detection. Tom: He's the man of a thousand faces. All of them the same, of course. > He had put on a >custodian's suit and slipped into the back way undetected. Crow: o/~ Just another face in a blue jumpsuit... o/~ > He had a >Remimngton rifle in a long black case. Crow: Now he blended right in with all the other rifle-toting custodial workers. Tom: Todd is Jean Reno in "The Professional 2: To Kill A Dweeb" > He made his way unnoticed to >the projection room overlooking the auditorium. > Mike: So, to sum it up, he snuck in. Tom: Pretty much. >What he didn't know was that Daria, Jane, Trent, Rage Against the >Machine and the Straight-Edgers were about a block or two away. > Mike: So were other people - people like Justice Sandra Day O'Connor! Crow: Caroline Rhea! Tom: L. Neil Smith! Mike: Mary Lou Retton! Crow: Boutros Boutros-Ghali! Tom: The Statler Brothers! >"We'll have to act fast," Daria said. Mike: [Daria] We had a long time to prepare, but I was too hungry... > "I told Mom about this, and she >was going to call the police. Tom: [Daria] What an idiot. You NEVER call the police on anything! Mike: I'm sure many policemen out there are pretty mad right now. > I only hope they'll take this seriously >and stop this. But for now, we're on our own." > Crow: Expect them to come in the nick of too late, folks. Wait for it. >"You and Janey go to the auditorium and hang out near the projection >room entrance," Trent said. Tom: Well, what about looking *in* the projection room? Crow: Come on, Tom. If you start accusing everyone who hangs out in a projection room with a rifle, you'll make a mockery of justice! > "Rage Against the Machine and the >Straight-Edgers will be close by." > Crow: [Trent] They'll be ready to Rage Against the Overhead Projector at a moment's notice. Mike: All right, the grunge vigilantes might be useful. But what good will the band do? Tom: It's a package deal. Get the vigilantes, get the band. >"Good," Jane said, "if we notice something funny, we'll shoot up there >and confront him." > Crow: Or just shoot him, either way... >Daria got a bit nervous over that statement. > Mike: [Daria] I don't have a gun! Crow: [Jane] That's okay, just use your mouth. >"Do we have to?," Daria said. > Tom: Hey, don't wet your skirt... uh, she is wearing her 'usual' clothing, is she? Crow: Don't ask! We might get an explanation! >"If Todd tries to harm you," Jane said, "he won't live long to regret >it." She then gave Daria a reassuring wink. > Mike: [Daria] Let's see; I'm being guarded by you, your narcoleptic brother, a bunch of pinko musical hacks, and a gaggle of non-canon characters. Gee, I feel much safer already. >Daria and Jane made their way to the school. > >Back at the auditorium, the clock was now reading 2:00 PM. Mike: And so the unarmed teens confront the trained and armed Todd. Crow: What I wouldn't give for a nice comforting death plane right about now. > Ms. Li >banged the gavel to call the meeting to order. > Tom: Hey, waitasec - if this is the *student* government, why is the school principal there? Mike: She's protecting her investment - she's laid 30 large on Sandi to award her brother the school sanitation contract. >"It is now 2 o'clock," Ms. Li said. Tom: [British] And now, BBC news. > "Since there is a quorum present, >I call this meeting to order. The first order of business is to >present President-Elect David MacAllister with the gavel of office so >he can preside over this meeting until a Speaker is chosen. Crow: Guerin-ism #984: Explain in both narrative AND quote format. > David, >will you come here, please?" > Tom: [Ms. Li] That's the closet, David! >David went up and received the gavel. The room was stone cold silent. > Crow: [Gruff] So let's give 'em a "Hell Yeah!" All: Hell Yeah! Mike: Daria 4:24 just said something or other. >"I guess they're giving him the silent treatment," Daria told Jane. > Mike: I tried doing that to my brother, but he just beat me up until I talked. >"What Neanderthals they are!," replied Jane. > Crow: Actually, that's quite civilized. Neanderthals would rush up on stage and club David to death. >David now got to the podium and banged the gavel. > Tom: And the stock market closed for the day. >"I just want to thank Ms. Li for this opportunity to serve," Crow: [David] Tonight's special is chicken covered in a light orange sauce, with a side of scalloped potatoes and lightly basted asparagus... > David >began. "The next order of business is to elect a Speaker. Nominations >from the floor are now in order." > Mike: I nominate my Bose system. >Quinn sat there in silence. She knew what was going to happen, but was >afraid that if she intervened, Sandi would not rest until she got her >revenge against her. > [All snicker.] Tom: I will not rest until...! Crow: Okay, okay, Servo. Please, stop it. >Then, one of the representatives stood up and said, "I nominate Sandi >Del Monaco." > >Another student said, "I second that nomination." > Crow: For someone who was running for President, she sure seems bent on being in the stupid bureaucracy. >"Sandi Del Monaco has been nominated," David said. Tom: [David] That ungrateful bi... never mind. > "Are there any >other nominations?" > >Suddenly, Andrea, who represented her homeroom, Crow: Is there any point on remarking how out of character that is? Tom: Nope. It's like pointing out a single drop in the ocean. > stood up and said, "I >nominate Quinn Morgendorffer." > >There was a loud gasp in the room. > Crow: That's when Daria realized she'd accidentally leaned against the oxygen cut-off valve. >Another student seconded that nomination. > Tom: This time, no one was surprised enough to gasp. >"Quinn Morgendorffer has been nominated," David said. "Are there any >other nominations?" > Mike: [random student] I nominate that nameless person who seconded that Quinn nomination! >Tense seconds passed. > Tom: And already people were being impatient. End the fanfic already! Mike: Is Michael Bey directing this? >"If there are no further nominations," David said, "then I hereby >declare the nominations closed. The next order of business will be to >elect the Speaker." > Crow: Makes sense. First thing all fanfic. >Brian, the chairman of the Rules Committee, stood up and said, "Mr. >President, Tom: [Brian] There is an urgent situation involving a terrorist organization from Micronesia. Crow: [David] Get me Colin Powell! > I would like to remind you that custom dictates that if >there are two or more candidates for Speaker, the vote shall be by >roll call." > Tom: [David] Who's Custom? I don't see him on the sheet... >"So noted," David said. "Voting shall be by roll call." David got the >list of homeroom representatives handy. He continued, "When I call >each members name, Crow: [David] You will either say 'Here' or 'Absent'. Although the latter will probably not be used. > you will either indicate 'Ms. Del Monaco' or 'Ms. >Morgendorffer.'" > Mike: What? No "Honorable Member from Homeroom A" crap? Crow: What's amazing is these kids go to high school, yet seem not to have time to actually attend classes. >David began to read the roll. > Mike: Ingredients: Enriched flour, water, soda, salt... Tom: Then he rolled up the rim to win. >"Such drama!," Crow: [Daria] Oh, sorry. I was watching "Crossing Jordan". How's the snore fest on stage going? > Daria said; "I didn't expect my sister to get into this >and make it a horse race." Crow: And in Roanoke, someone is smiling. > >"But I think the results will still be the same," Jane said. > Tom: [Jane] We ultimately win, right? >David called out each name, with the response of either "Ms. Del >Monaco" or "Ms. Morgendorffer" following. After the roll was called, >David tallied up the votes. > Crow: [David] Let's see... one, ONE vote for Quinn Morgendorffer! Two, TWO votes for Quinn Morgendorffer! Ah ah ah! >Todd was seeing all this as he was setting himself up. > >"Dammit!," Todd said to himself, "If Quinn wins, how will Sandi give >me the high sign?" > Mike: Er, by raising her hand? Crow: Ah, c'mon, Todd, show some initiative! Tom: Yeah! She's not the boss of you. >David now cleared his throat and read the results. "I have the >results. All: [dully] As previously indicated. > Ms. Del Monaco has received 30 votes. Ms. Morgendorffer has >received 33. Tom: Wait a minute! They've got 63 people in their student council? How the heck does anything ever get done? Mike: Since when does anything ever get done in a student council? Tom: Point taken. > Quinn Morgendorffer is therefore elected Speaker." > Tom: Oh, great. Now she'll *never* shut up! Crow: Lemfeck! Do the dance of joy! >There was silence in the auditorium. Tom: [random student] Hey! We all voted for Sandi! Quit counting fake votes! > Daria, Jane and Sandi dropped >their jaws in shock. > Mike: Lot of that going around. Tom: Yeah, there'll probably be a manufacturer's recall. Crow: Guerin-ism #643: Drop your jaw! It's good exercise, and it keeps your yap going! >Quinn was equally stunned, but found herself going to the podium and >accepting the gavel from David. "Congratulations, Quinn!," he said to >her. > Mike: [David] I hereby invoke the "getting some" clause. Meet me in the closet after class. >Quinn was dumbstruck, but then found the nerve to speak: > Tom: Unfortunately, she couldn't think of what to say, so she just spoke random words. >"Well, I'd like to thank everyone for electing me," she began. She >then began to ramble on about how she was totally unprepared for this >and so forth. > Crow: [Guerin] Since this was Quinn talking, it was really uninteresting. And everyone hated her and wanted her dead, and Daria's a goddess, and... >"I've got to have the prescription checked on these glasses," Daria >said. > >"I should have mine examined as well," Jane added. > Mike: This message brought to you by Eyewatchers. >"Well, we'd better go inside the projection room and take care of >business," Daria said. > Crow: [Jane] Oh, yeah. The hitman. Yeah, I guess we better take care of that. Tom: Wait! They knew a potential killer was lurking up there and they stood around watching a lousy stupid VOTE?!?!? Mike: Nothing like using your own kin as bait. >Todd lost it. "SHIT!," he said, Tom: [Todd] I hate politics! When will I shoot already? > "Now I'm just going to have to shoot >when I can!" > Mike: Which should be now. How long DOES it take to snipe someone anyway? Tom: Barry Pepper would have popped her by now... >Quinn then looked at the agenda and said, Crow: [Quinn] I hate the cover. Someone change it. > "The next order of business >is the introduction of amendments to the Student Government >Constitution so as to give Special Education students a voice in this >government. Here to make a speech in favor of it is the Student >Government President, David MacAllister." > Tom: And the rebuttal from Todd's bullet! Where is it anyway? >Quinn stepped aside from the podium as David returned. Todd knew that >it was now or later. Mike: And later would mean more politics, so he chose now. > He focused the gun on David in the crosshairs as >he stepped up to the podium. > Crow: o/~ Peter Pumpkinhead, broke the rules, told the faculty, what teaching's for! o/~ >"Die, fukcer!," Tom: I have nipples too, Greg. Can you milk me? > he growled to himself as he wrapped his finger around >the trigger. > Crow: It's... like... this... fanfic... is... going... slow... >Suddenly, the door burst open, and Daria and Jane rushed in. > Mike: [Daria] Well, Todd hasn't been coming in and... oh, he's here already, go figure. >"DON'T DO IT, TODD!," Daria yelled at him. > Tom: [Todd] Oh. Okay, you convinced me. Hey, who wants steaks? I'm buyin'! >Quinn suddenly saw the flash of cold steel in the dark. > Mike: [Quinn] AHHHHH!!!! ROBOTIC NINJA HIT SQUADS! >"GET OUT OF THE WAY, DAVID!," Quinn screamed as she shoved David out >of the way. > Tom: [Quinn, whining] I wanna whack the gravel! I wanna whack the gravel! >Todd fired the rifle. The bullet buried itself in Quinn's right >breast, dropping her like lead. > Tom: Now that's plumb wrong. [pause] Get it? "Plumb"? Mike: We got it, Tom. Tom: See, 'cause lead is "plumbum" in the... Crow: We *got* it, Servo! >Screams and panic filled the air. > Mike: [random student] The Hanson brothers are here! RUN! >Daria and Jane rushed at him. Todd yelled in anger and lunged right at >them. > Crow: They froze in mid-air as the camera panned around. >Trent, Rage Against the Machine and the Straight-Edgers rushed onto >the stage. Trent looked at Quinn. > Crow: [Trent] Hmmm, something's wrong somewhere. >"Someone call 911, dammit!," Trent yelled. > Tom: Swearing at the 911 operators won't help, Trent. Mike: Besides, 9-1-1's a joke in Lawndale. >"David, are you all right?," Corey asked him. > >"Yes, I am," David answered. "Believe it or not, I owe my life to >Quinn." > Mike: Adrian Quinn sure does get around. >"We've got to see how Daria and Jane are doing," Corey said, heading >for the projection room with some of his fellow Straight-Edgers. > >Daria and Todd were rolling around on the floor. > Crow: Wow, just like From Here To Eternity... only with a bigot and a brain. Mike: Didn't we have one of these scenes already? >"If anything's happened to David," Daria said, "so help me God, I'll >rip your heart out and eat it!" > Crow: Okay, here's my theory. Tom: Give. Crow: Pete kidnapped all the regular Daria characters and substituted androids for them, but they all malfunctioned so instead of acting like the people they've replaced, they all act like they're on the set of "Melrose Place". Mike: Possible. I'll file it with the "Mirror Universe" and "Pod People" ideas. >"I think I shot your sister," Todd yelled back. > Mike: [Daria, monotone] Oh. How terribly tragic. Boo-hoo. >Daria was stunned. Tom: [Daria] Wow. Thanks. Look, let's just call it even then. > Todd took the advantage and slammed her to the >floor. > Mike: Then he did a pile driver from the top rope! >"Now I'm going to finish what I started with you way back when!," Todd >said. He forced Daria's legs open. > Tom: [Todd] I don't care if there's a group of militants with big guns in this building out to kill me, I'm still going to get some RIGHT NOW! >Jane yelled and rushed him, hauling him off of Daria. > Mike: Wow, forget weight-lifting! I'm gonna take up painting! >Corey and the Straight-Edgers rushed in. Todd now grabbed Daria and >Jane and had them in a chokehold. > Crow: Oh, he's actually an undercover LA police officer. Mike: That was odd. The two were winning for a moment... >"You come one step closer and I'll snap them like twigs!," Todd >yelled. > >Corey knew he had to act quickly. He ran at him Mike: And watched as Daria and Jane's necks were snapped like twigs. > and sucker punched >him, causing him to lose his grip on Daria and Jane. Tom: Well, I guess Todd didn't carry through on his threat. Crow: Hey, he said he would assassinate David a few chapters ago. Did that happen? Noooo... > Corey now beat >him back to the opening. > Crow: Um, someone remind me - who *is* Corey? Mike: Oh, he's - uh - Tom: He's this guy. And he's - uh - up there. >"Come on, you punk!," Todd said; "give me your best shot!" > Crow: Oh, Todd, you sounded just like Dirty Harry! >Corey then punched Todd so hard he fell through the opening and onto >the seats below, breaking his neck on the edge on one of them. Mike: [Todd] Oh, a break to the neck. How nice. > He died >instantly. > Tom: Well. Anticlimax, thy name is "Pete". Mike: Ah, so that's what Rage Against the Machine showed up for. They can march over him singing now. >"What's going on here?," Ms. Li wanted to know. "Who's responsible for >this?" > Crow: Um, the shooter? >Quinn found some courage to speak. > Mike: Shot in the chest like that? Better hope she found some *oxygen* to speak. >"It's Sandi!," Quinn spat out. Tom: ...Along with a spray of blood from her punctured lung... > "She put out a contract on David!" > Tom: [Quinn] Oh, and JFK too! And Vince Foster! And that guy who wrote that really cool episode of "Dawson's Creek". >Sandi was infuriated. Suddenly, she took out a pistol and aimed it >squarely at David. > Crow: Which she managed to get by *all* those metal detectors and stuff! >"It looks like I'll have to finish the job myself!," Sandi said. "Die, >you fucking retart!" > Tom: Fortunately, David saw school for what it really was and caught the bullet. Crow: [Sandi] Oh, and I'm running for President when you die, okay? >Suddenly, the Lawndale Police burst in. > [All stare.] Mike: Did he just... Tom: The police! They actually came in the nick of time! Crow: And none too soon. Sheesh. >"ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE!," one of the officers said. Mike: [police] We're holding this session hostage until you pass this resolution my kid thought of! > He then saw Sandi >and said, "DROP THE GUN!" > Tom: [Sandi] But you said not to move! >Sandi turned around and was going to fire at the officer. Crow: [Sandi] Vote for me or I'll shoot this officer! > Trent, >however, got up from behind her and gave her the Vulcan Grip, dropping >her to the floor. > Mike: [shaking his head] He couldn't just clock her on the noggin or give her a punch to the jaw. No, he had to use the "Vulcan Grip". Tom: That makes the score Nutkicking three, Vulcan Grips one. Crow: Ah, Guerin-ism #610: Do the Vulcan Neck Pinch! I was wondering when that'd happen. >The officers rushed up to her and arrested her. Tom: Which wasn't really hard, given that she's UNCONSCIOUS... > "Sandi Del Monaco," >the officer said, "you're under arrest for attempted murder and >conspiracy to commit murder. You have the right to remain silent. Mike: *Please* use it. Tom: SHE'S UNCONSCIOUS! >Should you give up this right, anything you say can and will be used >against you in a court of law. You have the right to the presence of >an attorney during questioning. Crow: [Sandi] Uhm, Quinn, I'll let you back in the Fashion Club if you get your mother to represent me. > If you cannot afford an attorney and >wish to have one, an attorney will be provided to you free of charge. Crow: You have the right to sing the blues. Mike: You have the right to wear white after Labor Day. Tom: You have the right to fight for your right to party. >Do you understand these rights?" > Crow: [Sandi] Huh? What was the question? Tom: [Officer] By the way, hi. I'm Miranda. >"Yeah, yeah," Sandi said. Tom: But... but, she was unconscious! Mike: Does Guerin think the Vulcan Neck Pinch just drops people to the floor? Crow: Does he think it really exists, first off... > They began to haul her away. She then turned >around and yelled at David, "This isn't over, retart! When I get out, >I'm starting a recall vote!" Tom: A bitter, lengthy campaign doesn't work? Shoot him. Shooting him doesn't work? Start a bitter, lengthy campaign! > They then hustled her out of the >auditorium. > Mike: And as she exited, she was shot by Jack Ruby. >Daria and Jane went to Quinn. She was bleeding very badly. > Mike: Maybe they should do something. Crow: Nah, it'll heal right up. >"Quinn," Daria said, "this is going to be a shock, Tom: If you have to shock an injured person, at least warn them first. > since this is >coming from me, but what you did was very courageous." > Crow: Yes, how shocking that she took the bullet? DARIA, YOUR SIBLING RIVALRY IS NOT A PRIORITY RIGHT NOW! AAARGH! >"Thank you, Daria," Quinn feebly replied. She then lost consciousness. >The EMS team then took her away. Daria, Jane and David followed. > Mike: Followed a team of Ocampas and annoying Lieutenants. Crow: [Daria] Don't knock yourselves out. If she dies, I get her room. >The meeting quickly disbanded. Word later was given that the >amendments had passed the Student Senate by the bare 10-5 vote needed. [All laugh.] Mike: Wow! An assassination attempt and the vote still just barely squeaks by. That opposition must be pretty fierce! Tom: Let's make some funny comment and then leave the theater. Crow: Er, so the rabbi said, "That's not my duck"? Tom: Close enough. Let's go. [They stand and leave.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Tom and Crow stand behind the console, watching a small TV set atop the counter.] TV: ...and I ask you; can we face our nation's issues regarding transportation without dealing with the matter of all-terrain vehicle emissions? Are we to consider these craft to be placed in the same category as cars, or are we to consider them to be motorcycles, or perhaps even snowmobiles? But, let us first consider how this issue will effect our trade deficit... Crow: Whimper. Tom: Wow. This is so dry that I'm surprised he's not desiccated. [Mike enters and walks over to the bots.] Mike: Hey guys. [Mike stares at the screen.] TV: ...Unless, of course, we compensate for the increased fuel efficiency of such vehicles, although that may be offset by the environmental damage done with their use... Mike: Um, why? Crow: Well, after that last chapter, we were in the mood for some more action. Tom: And since Pete described the student council as being such a den of Machiavellian intrigue, we figured that Congress would be even more cut-throat. So we turned on C-SPAN. Crow: We've been disappointed so far. Tom: Well, it looked like Zell Miller was going to start something, but it turned out that he was just going to get some water. Crow: What's going on here, Mike? Mike: Well guys, you're in luck as I happen to be an expert on high school politics... Crow: [dryly] Really? Mike: Yep. You see... Tom: And how are you suddenly an expert on this, huh, Mr. Cheese Factory worker? Mike: Because I'm the only one here who went to high school. Crow: Oh. Yeah. Tom: Point conceded. Go on. Mike: No. Not until you acknowledge my superiority. Crow: Fine, fine. You're superior to us, Mike. Mike: Call me Professor Mike. Tom: What? You've got to be kidding! Mike: Say it. Tom: [resignedly] Fine. Teach us, Professor Mike. Mike: [beaming] Good bots. Anyway, Pete's view of high school politics doesn't quite jibe with my observations. Crow: How so? Mike: Well, how did David get into the race? Crow: Oh, David decided to run for the school Presidency in a noble effort to empower the dispossessed special-ed students in the school. Mike: Right. But in *my* high school, most people got into politics because somebody said, "Hey you're kind of popular. Why don't you run for office?" Of course, sometimes we told the unpopular kids that too, so that they'd run and make fools of themselves... Tom: So, how many times did you end up running? Mike: [softly] Twice. [normal] But it looked good on my college applications. Crow: You didn't go to college. Mike: Moving on, the reactions to David's running were a bit off too. Tom: So, most people don't hire a football team to intimidate their opponents? Mike: Not usually. They'd probably just say, "Oh. Isn't that cute?" and then concentrate on whomever they're really running against. Crow: So how many times did they tell you that, Mike? Tom: But, surely people hired hitmen to wipe out their opposition! Mike: Tom, this isn't the mirror universe. Or Chicago. People tend not to do that in real life. Usually, the worst thing that ends up happening might be a wedgie. Tom: And the students were enthralled by the entire election process, right? Mike: Well, no. They seemed more concerned about whether or not Cindy Williams was coming back to Laverne and Shirley. Crow: And I suppose that rock bands don't usually appear to campaign for candidates either. Mike: Actually, Carrie Wagner got REO Speedwagon to show up when she was a junior... Tom: So, basically, everything in the chapter was wrong. Mike: Well, no. Actually, completely unqualified candidates... Crow: ...like Quinn... Mike: ...like Quinn... do get elected. Oh, and every once in a while, there's an assembly. Tom: Hey! Look at this! [Cambot pulls back to show Tom watching the TV again. Crow and Mike turn to watch the TV.] Crow: Huh. Mike: Wow. Tom: Yeah, I never expected to see Ted Kennedy snap like that. Crow: I didn't even know that you could bludgeon someone with a loaf of French Bread. Mike: I saw that happen in High School too. Crow: Did it hurt? Mike: Yeah, especially when they buttered it. Boy, that stuff stings. Tom: Looks like the others are getting into the act too. Mike: Boy, the Agriculture committee is kicking some boo-tay. Crow: Well, they've been eating their vegetables. [Crow begins to snicker as the signals begin to flash.] Mike: Oh, I'll deal with you later. Right now, WE'VE GOT GUERIN SIGN!!!! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike and the bots enter the theater and sit.] Tom: Boy, it was impressive how Teddie was swinging those chairs around. Crow: I liked when Trent Lott started gavelling Chuck Shumer's head. Mike: Still, that bodyslam from Strom Thurmond was impressive. Crow: That goes without saying. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 8: Free at Last! Free at Last! Thank God Almighty, I am Free >at Last! Tom: Hey, there must be an earthquake in Georgia. Mike: Why? Tom: Because I'm sure Dr. King is doing about 90,000 RPM over being in any way associated with this. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The entire Morgendorffer, Lane and MacAllister families spent an >overnight vigil at Quinn's bedside. She was in guarded condition. Crow: Even if she was shot in the... breast? >Daria couldn't help it, but she began to cry over Quinn. > Tom: [Quinn] Ow! Daria! Stop crying over my wound! >"Don't go on me," she said. "You're the only person I can put down and >get away with it." > Mike: No she's not! You do it all the time! To everyone! Tom: For a moment, I thought the anti-Quinn slant would fade off, but then this comes along... >David said to Quinn, "You did the right thing, Quinn. Be strong." > >The Armisteads entered. Nathan knelt at Quinn's bedside and prayed: > Crow: [Nathan] Please bring Cats back to Broadway. Tom: Wait, what about Rabbi Cohen? Are they trying to call in some extra help here, or what? >"Almighty God, I commend Quinn Morgendorffer to Your care. Mike: Doctor God. This fall on UPN! > If it be >Your will, heal her. But if her time has come, accept her into Your >Kingdom of grace with open arms. Crow: [Nathan] Or just throw a chariot in the fire. That'll be cool too. > This I ask of you, Great Physician. Crow: So Heaven is, in fact, a giant HMO? Tom: Sorry, but your health coverage does not cover miracles. You are entitled to this bottle of Advil, though. >Amen." > >Suddenly, Quinn began to stir. > Mike: [Nathan] She's possessed! Get a priest and a young boy! >"Where am I?," she began to say, "And why's everyone here?" > Tom: Yes, *everyone* was there! Including Helen Reddy! Mike: Story Musgrave! Crow: J.K. Rowling! Tom: King Ranier! Mike: The Captain and Tenille! Crow: And Japan's new prime minister Junichiro Koizumi! >Jake, Helen, Daria and David went to her and hugged her. > Tom: Squeezing more blood out of her until she died. The end. >"Everything's going to be all right now, Quinn," Jake said to her. > Tom: [Jake] I got shot once. Dad said it'd build "character"! >Quinn recovered over the next few days, then was released. Crow: On bail or probation. Pick one. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >It was decided to reconvene the interrupted House of Homeroom >Representatives meeting the next Monday. Quinn said she was going to >make it. Mike: And as we all know, gun wounds are quick to heal. Tom: Yep, it was only a flesh wound. To the fleshy part of the heart. > Everyone was entering school that morning. Crow: Yes, *everyone*! Even Robin Quivers! Mike: The Smothers Brothers! Tom: Jeff Bezos! [Pause] Mike: You guys think we've squeezed every last ounce out of that gag? Crow: Dunno. Let's keep going and see. Shields and Yarnell! Mike: Caroline Kennedy Bissette! Tom: Freddie Prinze Jr & Sarah Michelle Gellar! > Daria, Jane and >David were heading in together, as usual. Suddenly, a student no one >really knew came up to them. > Tom: Clint Eastwood *IS* the Student With No Name! >"I need to speak to David alone, please," he said. > >"I've got a bad feeling about this," Daria warned him. > Mike: [Daria] We better get to the Misery Falcon. >"I'll be OK," David replied. He went with the student. They went about >a couple of hundred feet away. > Crow: For reasons too silly to understand. >Daria watched them carefully. Suddenly, she saw the unidentified >student take out something long and cylindrical. This wasn't good. > Mike: When is it *ever* good when someone takes out something long and cylindrical in public? >"DAVID! RUN FOR IT! NOW!," Daria yelled, running right towards them. Tom: Crow, that must be some odd cookie dough container for Daria to be THIS ballistic. Crow: I know. Weird. What's with her. >The unidentified student took the device and pushed the red button on >top of it. Tom: Ominously, a garage door opened. > Suddenly, he and David vanished in a horrific explosion. [All are taken aback.] Crow: Ooooooooooookay. That makes no sense whatsoever. Tom: Well, this plot twist certainly is... stupid. Mike: Apparently, we now have suicide bombers blowing up random students. >Daria was knocked to the ground. Jane got to her and helped her up. >Everyone was running to where they were. > Mike: Wouldn't everyone already be where they were? >"DAVID! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!," Daria screamed, then collapsed into Jane's >arms, crying. > Crow: [Jane] Eww! Your mascara's getting all over me! >"I know, I know," Jane replied, crying herself. Tom: Well, we *don't* know! In fact, we have NO FLIPPING IDEA WHAT HAPPENED!!! Mike: It's simple. The noble, virtuous and self-sacrificing, if somewhat kinky, hero was horribly murdered by an unknown, never-before seen random character. Tom: Well, thanks. Now I feel MUCH better! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- Mike: Crow? You're awfully quiet over there. Are you okay? Crow: Yeah, I'm fine. Mike: You sure? Crow: Mike, I knew he was going to die. I've read those blasted appendices. Mike: I thought we scrubbed your memory of those. Crow: It didn't take. Anyway, I'm just surprised about the way David died. Mike: Oh. Well, it was a bit of... Crow: ... I mean, who would have thought Pete would write something so succinct? Boom! It's over. I would've sworn he'd have David die from a months-long terminal disease, or have him trapped in a well, or ooh! How about an homage to Titanic with David slowly slipping under the water? Mike: Well, glad to see you're dealing with it. >The investigation revealed that the student was a loner named Derek >Jones. Tom: Didn't he play baseball? Crow: Why is it always the athletes who go nuts? > He was a militia nut and read "Man of War Magazine". Tom: Ah, the return of the militias. I wondered where they went. Mike: He also wore black, listened to goth music like Insane Clown Posse and Metallica, and watched "Basketball Diaries" a lot. > He had >gotten hold of some plastique and rigged a trigger. It was unknown if >somehow Sandi had ordered this or not. > Crow: Tragically, no one had thought to save the receipt. >The mood was somber at the MacAllister house. Warren and Deanna cried. Tom: Just 'cuz they lost a kid?!? Weak! Mike: It didn't help that two houses down, Sandi was playing "Celebration". >The Morgendorffers and the Lanes were there as well as the Armisteads. > Crow: And they cried too. Basically, everyone was crying. >"There was nothing left of him," Warren said. Mike: Only the memory of this tedious, depressing, soul-sucking story. Tom: He musta used one of those new-fangled Quantum pipebombs. > "However, we bought a >plot at Lawndale Cemetery and are going to set up a marker for him. Crow: "Here lies David MacAllister - or at least this cupful of him." >We're going to have a memorial service on Saturday." > >"We'll be there," Daria said, "and while we're going there, I want to >go someplace rather symbolic." > Crow: The restaurant where she and David first kissed passionately? Tom: Nah! Somewhere stupid instead! >"I think I know what you're talking about," Jane said. Tom: Of course! The LaBrea Tar Pits! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >That Saturday, the funeral procession slowly inched its way toward the >cemetery. Mike: Causing massive traffic jams. > It went passed Sandi's house. Sandi had stepped outside to >watch. She was free on bail pending trial. > Tom: Wait, so she hires a hit and tries to shoot someone right in front of the entire school, and the cops STILL let her go?! Crow: I'm amazed she hasn't already whipped out the mace! >Suddenly, the Morgendorffers' and Lanes' cars stopped. The windows >were rolled down. Daria and Jane stuck their heads out then raised >their left fists up. > Mike: [George from "That's My Bush"] One of these days, Sandi, I'm going to ... All: PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! >"You can kill the reformer," Crow: So THAT'S what happened to Rabbi Cohen! > Daria said, "but you cannot kill the >spirit of reform! SPECIAL EDUCATION STUDENTS POWER!" > Tom: With that, she transformed into Sailor Misery Chick and punished Sandi in the name of sarcasm and bitterness. Crow: [Sandi] Hey! I'm over here! You're yelling at Mrs. McConnell's house! >The procession resumed. Sandi went back inside, fuming. Crow: She really needs to get her thousand mile tune-up. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >At the cemetery, the marker had been erected. Mike: Oh, good. A callback to *that* scene. [All shudder.] > At the family's request, >Nathan was going to conduct the ceremonies. > Mike: Okay guys, we're about to riff a funeral so I want you to be on your best behavior. Crow: Why? We've riffed funerals before. Tom: Yeah. Remember the Princess Di shindig? Mike: Yes, I remember. It's why we're no longer welcome in England. Crow: Oh, come on, Mike. It wasn't that bad. Mike: Guys - the Queen offered 50,000 pounds for your heads! She was going to have them mounted on pikes! Tom: 50,000? Wow! Say, I've got some spare heads! Crow: Me too! Mike: Sigh. >Nathan stood in front of the marker and began: > >"Ladies and gentlemen: Tom: [Nathan] Please bear with us. This fanfic is slowly spiraling down. > we are here not to mourn the death of David >MacAllister but to celebrate his life and to reaffirm our commitment >to the goals he set himself out to achieve. Mike: [Nathan] Namely, grabbing as much power as possible. > He fell as a martyr for >freedom for himself and other Special Education students. Tom: Uh, no, he actually "fell" because of some nameless yahoo with a vague agenda. Crow: Fell. Exploded. Same thing, really. > We must not >let his death be in vain. If we do, then we will have lost >everything." > Crow: [Nathan] That's why, in that same spirit, I'm announcing my candidacy for Lawndale High Student Council President! >A large contingent of Special Education students was present. They >were weeping. > Mike: Yes, even the supporting cast has finally been bored to tears. >Nathan then recited Psalm 23 and appropriate passages to comfort the >mourners. "And now," Tom: [Nathan] I would like to sing a song from My Fair Lady. > he said," Daria Morgendorffer will deliver the >eulogy." > [All sigh, as Mike looks at his watch.] Tom: [Daria] Ahem. Life sucks, then you die. Thank you. >Daria, who was wearing a plain black dress, stood in front of the >others and began to speak: > >"Thank you, Pastor Armistead. Ladies and gentlemen: Crow: We are experiencing some political difficulties, but we shall TRIUMPH! Oh wait, I'm supposed to talk about David. > I only knew David >for about a month. Tom: [Daria] But if that test I took this morning is correct, I will regret that little time for the rest of my life. > But it seems I've known him for eternity. Mike: Ditto for us. > I have to >admit I'm a cynical person, but David's positive attitude rubbed off >on me. Crow: Yeah, and that's not all that... Mike: Crow, please! Not at the guy's funeral! > David never gave up on his dream. Crow: To own the New York Yankees... > His dream was equality for >Special Education students like himself. And for that, he was killed >by students who thought their special privileges would be taken away >from them if people like him got rights." > Tom: For those who were traumatized by the plot twist and forgot what was going on, here's our recap. Mike: They're assuming an awful lot here. Crow: Well, you know, if two and two makes four, that's close *enough* to nine for some people's tastes. >"However, if we allow those who bully us scare us back into inaction, >then we've lost this battle. We must not allow this to happen. We must >continue the fight. Mike: I think Daria just stopped talking about David now. Tom: I thought this was a eulogy, not a political rally. > We must convince the House of Homeroom >Representatives to vote on the amendments and then campaign for the >ratification of them in the referendum. Crow: [Daria] And if that doesn't work, we'll just send in the Feds. > We must not let David's death >be in vain." > Tom: We also must not turn his eulogy into a policy initiative. >Daria was now crying. She looked up and continued, > >"David, if you can hear me, I love you and I will miss you very much." > Mike: Until the next story. >Daria couldn't continue. She went back to the crowd, Jane hugging her >as she wept. Nathan then took his place again. > Mike: [Nathan] I just have some words - will someone with a Geo, license plate AUI 89S, please turn off their lights? >"I will now close this ceremony by singing 'Nearer, My God, to Thee'. [All grumble.] Crow: Look, you want to CELEBRATE or MOURN, not TORTURE! >After which, all those with flowers can leave them at the base of the >monument." > Crow: [Nathan] All those with cash, just fork it over now. >Nathan began to sing: > Tom: [Nathan] o/~ Do, a deer, a female deer, Re, a drop of golden sun! o/~ >"Nearer, my God, to Thee/Nearer, to Thee./ Mike: o/~ Hey God, whazzup? o/~ > E'en though it be a >cross/That raiseth me./ Tom: Is it a cross or a stone? Crow: It's a song, Servo. > Still all my song shall be,/Nearer, my God, to >Thee,/Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer, to Thee." > Mike: God must be getting extremely paranoid by now. >"Tho' like the wanderer,/ Crow: o/~ I wander round and round and round and round and round! o/~ > The sun go down,/Darkness be over me,/My rest >a stone,/Yet in my dreams I'd be/Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer, my >God, to Thee, Nearer to Thee." > Crow: o/~ Remember, God, no matter what happens, I WILL FIND THEE! o/~ Tom: How nearer can you get? >"There let my way appear/Steps unto hev'n,/All that Thou sendest me/In >mercy given;/Angles to beckon me/ Mike: Sounds like an Acute case. Tom: C'mon, Mike, you're just being Obtuse! Crow: That's absolutely Right! > Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer, my >God to Thee,/Nearer to Thee." > Tom: Not too close though! Just... nearer. >"Then with my waking thoughts/Bright with Thy Praise,/Out of my stony >griefs,/Bethel I'll raise./So by my woes to be/ Crow: Nearer? > Nearer, my God, to >Thee,/Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer to Thee." > Mike: [God] But you've only stepped an inch! Tom: o/~ It's all I need to be... Nearer to Thee. o/~ >"Or if on joyful wing,/Cleaving the sky,/Sun, moon and stars >forgot,/Upward I fly,/Still all my song shall be/Nearer, my God, to >Thee,/Nearer, my God, to Thee,/Nearer to Thee." > Tom: What is this, the "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" of hymns? Crow: So are they there yet? >There was silence as Nathan then said, "Let the grace of our Lord >Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen." Then, a bagpiper began to play >"Amazing Grace". Tom: Yeah yeah yeah, then came the planes in missing man formation and the riderless horses. Can we snap it up, please?!? Mike: Of my friend, I can only say this... of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most... human. Crow: You're looking at the wrong script, Mike. > One by one, the mourners left flowers at the foot of >the monument. Daria left some roses. She then left, Jake and Helen >consoling her. Tom: [Helen] There, there, honey. I'm sure some other person you've never met before will enter your life, enlist you in a cause and then get blown up. > The Lanes paid their respects, while Rage Against the >Machine Mike: They're still around, after the hymn and the bagpipes? I guess they're full of surprises. > and the Straight-Edgers gave a power salute to their fallen >comrade. Crow: Then Keith Richards stopped by and poured a bottle of Scotch whiskey on the ground. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >After the reception, Daria and Jane were in Daria's room, thinking on >recent events. > Crow: [Daria] Stuff happened, we learned nothing. That's about it. Buy you a slice? Tom: [Jane] Eww... what's this gunk on the rug? >"You know," Daria said, "Pastor Armistead is right. Tom: [Daria] We ARE nearer to thee! > If Sandi and the >others bully the Special Education students into silence, we'll lost >everything we gained." > Mike: Including our sentence structure, apparently. >"I guess it just goes to prove that the system will always go back to >its old ways like a gyroscope always goes back into equilibrium no >matter how far you push it," Jane said. > Tom: Oooh, but if you push it far enough, it'll do a whole bunch of cool little spins all over the floor. Mike: And once more, Jane's secret study of physics pays off. Crow: You wouldn't want her mentioning a clown-shaped bop-bag, would you? It would just kill the mood. >"Now what will we do?," Daria said. > Mike: [Daria] Let's beat up someone! >"We'll have to wait and see what happens on Monday," Jane said. > >Alicia suddenly entered the room. > Tom: That's a very nice trick you did, Alicia! You gotta teach it sometime! >"Mrs. Armistead," Daria said, "what are you doing here?" > Crow: [Alicia] Beats me. One minute, I'm home doing lesson plans, and the next, the author's whipping me off to *this* dump. >"Nathan and I would like you to stop by at my class during your first >free period," Alicia said. "It's important." > Mike: How about telling us now? Frankly, I'm sick and tired of waiting and waiting and waiting. Just get on with it already! >"Well, doesn't that add some suspense?," Jane added. > Tom: Uh, no. Actually, it makes us roll our eyes and say FINISH IT! STOP IT! NO MORE! >"I don't think I want to know," Daria muttered. Mike: That's the spirit! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >That day, Daria and Jane did stop by Alicia's class. Andrew, who also >had that period free, was also there. Tom: [Andrew] o/~ Hey big guy! o/~ Crow: [Daria] o/~ Hey little guy! o/~ Tom: [Andrew] o/~ Can you tell me what came first? o/~ Crow: [Daria] o/~ Sorry but I don't know... o/~ Bots: o/~ We are simply natural... o/~ Mike: Just for that, I oughta revoke some of your privileges. > Both Alicia and Nathan were in >front of the class. > Tom: Shouldn't this be over? Crow: If I had a dime for every time we've said that... >"I know we have suffered such a terrible loss in the death of David," >Alicia said, "but we must not let this dream of his die. Mike: [Alicia] No time to mourn, must get back to work on politics! > Jodie Landon, >who now is acting president once again, Crow: So the long nightmare's over, with everything as it was at the beginning! Well, except for Quinn being kicked out of the Fashion Club, Sandi taking out contracts, Todd's neck getting snapped, and David being reduced to a pink mist... > is calling for another >election. We must find someone to run for the office and finish what >David started." > Tom: Who made her the political crusader all of a sudden? >Suddenly, Sandi burst in. > Crow: Oh, for crying out... Wouldn't she have been expelled by now?! Tom: With a team of more goons to finish off all the good guys. The end. >"Sandi," Daria said, "what the Hell are you doing here?" > Tom: [Sandi] I've, like, seen the light, and, uhm, I'm becoming a nun, or something. >"I'm free on bail, remember?," Sandi said. Mike: [Sandi] I'm like, like, that Rasputin guy! > "I just want to tell all >you retarts that I'm going to run for Student Government President >again. Tom: I can see her campaign signs - "Vote for Sandi! Indicted but Never Convicted!" > And this time, I'm warning all of you, if even one of you >decide to run against me, you will live to regret it!" Tom: Doesn't Sandi get it by now? She's already in trouble for David, and now she's STILL running, and STILL threatening others? Mike: [Sandi] It's the path of darkness, and I must follow it to its end. > She made a >cutting motion with her finger across her throat, and left. > Crow: Boy, ya'd think with all the restraining orders they were throwing around earlier, someone woulda saved one or two for a rainy day! >The students were afraid for their lives. Tom: They could be killed off any minute now for dramatic effect! > Some began to weep. > >Nathan knew he needed to bolster their spirits. He spoke in his loud, >clear baritone voice: > Crow: [Nathan] This is CNN... damn, did it again! Tom: Warrior needs food, badly! >"Fear not, everyone! He who rules from above will not suffer any harm >on you! Mike: Pete? > He knows the end from the beginning! Tom: He checks the page numbers. > He sits in judgment in >his throne! Crow: [Nathan] By the way, he wants a tribute about now. I'm passing the hat around. > If God is for us, who can be against us! Fear not those >who can only kill the body but not the spirit! David has taken you to >the Promised Land, but like Moses, did not cross over. Mike: [Nathan] Well, except a little with "King of the Hill". And those two guys, Beatus and Boovhead. > Now we must >find a Joshua to take us over the Jordan!" > Crow: To the phone book! Mike: Would it be wrong of me to say that someone had a Messiah complex? >He then looked at Andrew and said, "Andrew, you will run for Student >Government President and finish what David started. Tom: [Nathan] Or get killed by the next suicide bomber. Good luck! Mike: [Andrew] You're right! I'll do my best to make those who picked me at random proud! > We have only the >bonds of slavery to lose and everything to gain!" > >"I now want to sing a song of hope to you. [All grumble again.] Tom: [Nathan] Any of you folks ever see "Cabaret"? Mike: Gilbert and Sullivan Operettas don't have this much singing! > As some of you know, I >belong to the local chapter of the NAACP. Crow: [Nathan] Which has little to do with my singing, but hey, I like to brag! Did I mention that I drive an Accura? > Our organization's official >song is called 'Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing.'. It reflects our group's >goals for equality of the races. I think it should be a song for our >fight for freedom as well." > Mike: Pending copyright violations. >Nathan cleared his throat and then began to sing: > Crow: o/~ This is the never-ending song, it just goes on and on and on! o/~ >"Lift ev'ry voice and sing,/Till earth and heaven ring,/Ring with the >harmonies of liberty. . ." > >Suddenly, the students began to join in; even Daria and Jane joined >in: > Tom: Yes, yes. Every voice is lifted and singing. We get the subtext already. >"Let our rejoicing rise high as the list'ning skies,/ Mike: Damn nosey skies, wish they'd mind their own business. > Let it resound >load as the rolling sea." Crow: That's what this story is - a resounding load! > >The students got out of their seats and headed out of the door, still >singing: > Mike: Huh, I didn't know breaking into song can get you out of class. I should've tried that. Tom: Oh, this is just like that Bjork video! Crow: Except for the part where the rest of the school beats the crap out of them. >"Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us;/ Tom: o/~ Sing a song full of the sixpence and a pocketful of rye... o/~ > Sing >a song full of the hope that the present has brought us;/ Crow: o/~ Just sing, sing a song! La, la,la,la-la, la, la,la,la,la-la la la la la lalala. o/~ > Facing the >rising sun of our new day begun,/ Tom: o/~ There is, a house in New Orleans, they call the Rising Sun! o/~ > Let us march until victory is won." > Tom: o/~ Then we crash with some rum 'n coke, and watch the football game... o/~ Crow: o/~ After that, we'll just pick on poor old Jane... o/~ Mike: o/~ But what it all comes down to, this fanfic must have to... o/~ All: o/~ This fanfic that Guerin wrote will have to ennnnnnnnd... o/~ >The procession was headed down the Ghetto, and soon the other Special >Education classes there emptied and went down the hall. The second >verse was begun: > Tom: Um? How does everyone know the words? Did they pass out sheet music? Mike: We're operating under musical rules, Tom. When people start singing, they automatically know all the words and can dance in unison. >"Stony the road we trod,/ Crow: Was it the road not taken? > Bitter the chast'ning rod,/Fell in the days >when hope unborn had died. . ." > Mike: [Nathan] I'm getting sick of this song. Let's sing "Drops of Jupiter." >Sandi saw what was going on. "You can't leave the Ghetto during >class!," she said. > Tom: It's against ape law! Crow: [Sandi] But if you do, could you at least sing some N'Sync? >"And what are you going to do about it?," Daria said, "tell on all of >us?" > >Sandi ran toward Ms. Li's office. [All laugh.] Mike: Guess that answers *that* question. > The singing continued: > >"Yet with a steady beat,/Have not our weary feet/ Crow: o/~ Rocked our bodies like you rock the party? o/~ > Come to the place for >which our forefathers sighed?" > Mike: I don't recall Mount Rushmore ever sighing. Tom: Why do I get the feeling his favorite episode is the musical one? >Suddenly, more students joined them, along with some teachers. Crow: Then more people joined them! Calista Flockhart! Tom: Dandy Don Meredith! Mike: Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie! Crow: Soccer great Pele! Tom: Admiral Chester Nimitz! Mike: The Radio City Music Hall Rockettes! Crow: Hey, I guess there's still a little life in the old running gag after all! > The >second verse continued: > Crow: Not exactly the happy catchy song, but it gets everyone in! >"We have come over a way that with tears has been watered;/ Tom: Taking care of little tears in a tear garden? > We have >come, treading our path thru' the blood of the slaughtered,/ Mike: Ah, there's Todd's corpse right now, still there after all this. > Out from >the gloomy past, till now we stand at last/Where the white gleam of >our bright star is cast." > Crow: o/~ Now let's hope the next scene will be fast... o/~ >Ms. Li came out and stood there, saying, "And where do you think >you're going?" > Mike: [Daria] Nowhere in particular. Tom: [Ms. Li] Man I wish I was you! >"To get a petition form for Andrew," Daria said. > >"All of you go back to your classes at once, of face suspension!," Ms. >Li said. > >"You can't suspend all of us!," Jane said in defiance. > Crow: Um, why not? Mike: Can't she just photocopy a suspension form or something? It seems kinda easy to do. >"As for you teachers, you will report back as well, or face possible >proceedings!," Ms. Li added. > >"You can't touch us, Ms. Li," Nathan said, "we've got tenure!" > Tom: [Nathan] And we've got unions! Oh wait, I'm not even a teacher! >Ms. Li got mad. Nathan led the group in singing the last verse: > All: o/~ One, singular sensation, every little every move we make! o/~ >"God of our weary years,/God of our silent tears,/Thou who has brought >us thus far on our way. . ." > >"You will not get away with this!," Ms. Li warned, "Federal Government >or no Federal Government!" > Tom: Yeah, what can *they* do to her? Crow: Yep. No matter the problems, the Federal Government is *always* the answer! Mike: Got a clogged toilet? Call the Feds! >"Just watch us!," Daria shot back. Mike: [Daria] We're on MTV every... whenever we're on. > The singing continued: > >"Thou who hast by Thy might,/Led us into the light,/Keep us forever in >the path we pray." > Crow: [Nathan] Now let's hum the theme from those Bond movies! >Sandi was shocked to see Quinn among them. > Mike: Us too! Crow: I was sure that she would've high-tailed it out of this story already! >"Quinn, you traitor!," she said, "give this up now and we might just >let you back in!" > Mike: That three-member club must have a lot of perks... >"No thanks," Quinn replied, "I don't want to be associated with >bigots!" > Tom: And, when it comes right down to it, wouldn't you rather be assaulted by your family than by your friends? >Quinn rejoined the others as they finished the song: > Tom: o/~ Be as black as you want to. Be as white as you want to... o/~ Crow: Stop it. It's getting TOO warm and fuzzy. >"Lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met Thee,/Lest >our hearts, drunk with the wine of the world, we forget Thee;/ Crow: Oh, it's the Jan Michael-Vincent song! > Shadowed >beneath Thy hand,/May we forever stand,/True to our God, true to our >native land." > Mike: Odd. I have the sudden urge to watch hockey. >The group then went into the general office to pick up the >application. Crow: They fill out paperwork! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >EPILOGUE Mike: Epilogue? We're near the end, folks! Tom: Finally! No wait... there may be an appendix. Crow: Thanks for brightening my day, Servo. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >The vote for the new Student Government President was not as close as >it was the first time. Andrew won by a 4 to 1 margin. > Tom: Thanks to the efforts of Chuckie Daley, in Ms. Howell's homeroom. >The proposed amendments to the Student Government Constitution passed >by just four votes more than what was needed in the House of Homeroom >Representatives. Andrew pushed hard for approval in the referendum. >The voters approved all the amendments by a 3 to 1 margin. > Crow: Imagine their shock when they woke up the next morning to find UN Troops occupying the school. Mike: Moral? *Always* read the fine print, folks. >By order of the Federal Department of Education, the Special Education >classes were removed from the "Ghetto" and more equitably dispersed >within the school building. > Mike: Now, instead of being ignored and taunted as a group, they're free to be ignored and taunted as individuals. Crow: The Ghetto was later torn down and became the site for the new Montreal Expos stadium! >David's parents set up a scholarship in their son's name, to be given >to the most deserving Special Education student in Lawndale High. > Mike: The scholarship was dissolved an hour later when they realized nobody cared anymore. >Sandi was found guilty of all charges. however, since the DA's office >did not pursue prosecuting her as an adult, she was ordered to perform >500 hours of community service. Mike: And then DA Stone makes a pithy comment on the steps of the court house. Crow: Oh, that's trivial. When you dress modishly, every hour you're outside is a community service! > >Quinn was eventually readmitted to the Fashion Club when she convinced >Sandi that Daria was pulling a practical joke when she told her that >Sandi that she was Quinn's sister. > Crow: [sputtering] What the - gyah - so not only did they keep a convicted violent juvenile in school, *and* let her continue as president of a silly yet officially recognized school club, but *everything* Quinn learned and experienced here was all for naught! Tom: Character development is fine, as long as you leave all the characters exactly as you found them. Mike: Plus there's the whole "wacky adventures" aspect of joining a club run by a revenge-crazed, pistol-packing, convicted homicidal maniac. >All other legal matters in this case have since been dropped. > >The fight for equality for Special Education students at Lawndale High >is not over, but much progress have been made, and will continue to be >made. Mike: Hank Hill returned home to the Fox network, where he eventually strangled his neighbor, Boomhauer, when he tried to give a mumbling explanation for making a pass at his niece. He was given 150 hours of community service and pre-empted for 4 weeks by very special episodes of "Malcolm in the Middle". Crow: Beavis and Butthead recovered from their wounds, and went on to have a guest starring role in Pete Guerin's later epic, "The Mallomar Sushi Dunkin Doughnuts Bumblebee Basketball", where they were eventually killed by yet another minor supporting character. Tom: Rage Against The Machine continued to Rage on by making really loud and unintelligible music as a group until 2000, when they split up in order to make really loud and unintelligible solo projects. Mike: Corey and the Straight-Edgers were never heard from again. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- Mike: Phew, now it's... >AUTHOR'S AFTERWORD, OR A PLEA FOR TOLERANCE Mike: ... never mind. Tom: TOM SERVO'S REBUTTAL, OR A PLEA FOR SHORTNESS >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >I have to admit that some of this is autobiographical. Tom: I once strapped a bomb to my chest and blew up the President of the Student Council. Mike: Tom, if Pete did that then how could he write the story? Tom: Who said anything about Pete? Crow: He's not saying *he* had explicit cartoon sex with Daria too, is he? Mike: *Sigh* I hope not, Crow. I hope not. > I have ADD >myself and I did run for Student Government President [All look somewhat relieved.] Crow: Oh, so he IS a politician! That explains a whole lot! Whew! > in my junior >year at Connetquot High School (Bohemia, New York) in 1986. Crow: So is this fanfic real life, or just fantasy? Tom: I don't know, but it's very, very frightening. Mike: I wonder if Peter can do the Fandango? > I lost by >16 votes. Tom: [Guerin] And I have all their names down. And they are, in alphabetical order... > I later tried to push for an amendment to the Student >Government Constitution to create a Special Education Representative, Mike: [Guerin] But they told me the science was unfeasible. >but that was defeated. Mike: We're sorry to hear about that. Tom: Have you tried the suggestion we've been saying all fanfic and told the Feds? > I was beaten up and received numerous death >threats during my campaign; Mike: Oh dear. Tom: Then again, it was in New York, so... > they usually went, "If you get elected, >you fucking retart, we're going to kill you! We don't want retarts >like you in our Student Government!" > Mike: Ironically, many of these people were later prominent backers of Howard Stern's gubernatorial campaign. >I am here, in this great world-wide forum we call the Internet, to >plead for tolerance for Special Education students, Tom: And instead of organizing a website or group, he writes a long and confusing fanfic? > especially those >who have mental, emotional and/or behavioral problems. The same God >who made you made us as well. We are all His children in His sight. Crow: [writer] Unless you're a Buddhist, in which case you'll spend eternity in torment. >Are we monsters? Tom: Are we not men? > If not, then why do you treat us like we are? Why are >you so afraid of us? Crow: What did we do? We didn't call you monsters or anything. Sure, we poked fun at the plot, the characters and the story, but really... Mike: I think he was talking to the bigots. Tom: And they don't have any real reason - they're just morons who don't listen to anyone but themselves. > I suffered greatly during my school years at the >hands of "normal" students. Mike: Most of whom were also suffering under the hands of other "normal" students. > I still have bitter memories of those >times. Tom: [Guerin] I plot revenge to this day. The fanfics are step one. > I guess seeing a show like "Daria" helps me come to terms with >those memories. Mike: By reinserting my memories into the memories of a completely unrelated television show. > OK, so Daria is no Special Education student, but I >felt the loneliness and isolation of being an outcast myself. Crow: Plus Daria was kinda hot. > Special >Education students are the "Untouchables" Mike: Hopefully, as portrayed by Robert Stack instead of Kevin Costner. > of the caste system people >humorously call "high school cliques". Crow: Suddenly, "Saved by the Bell" takes on an ominous new undertone. > I guess until attitudes change >and action is taken by teachers, administrators, boards of education >and Federal and state departments of education, it will continue to be >that way. > Tom: [Guerin] The Federal Anti-Popular Kids Act of 2002 *must* pass! >I met a woman whose son has ADD, and she told me that much has changed >in the twenty-odd years or so since I was first placed in Special >Education. I pray that she is right. > Mike: [Guerin] Because if she isn't, I'll be forced to write a really long "Daria"/"Barney Miller"/"X-Men"/"Cowboy Bebop" story! >So, to those of you who are still high school age, next time you're at >school, next time you see a Special Education student, do not run away >in fear or shun him or her. Crow: Laugh at them straight in their faces! Show some guts! Mike: Crow, when they melt you down for scrap, don't come crying to me. > Accept him or her. Let him or her into >your lives. Tom: Make him or her your friend! Give him or her your undying attention! Feed him or her! Take him or her out for a walk! > Only by changing matters one person at a time can we see >real progress. That is my wish. That is my plea. Mike: [Guerin] That and more corn dogs. Oh, I think they're burnt to a crisp by now! Ciao! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >"Flung to the heedless winds/ Crow: [pouting] No more singing! Please, I beg you! > Or on the waters cast,/The martyrs' >ashes, watched,/Shall gathered be at last./ Tom: Thanks to the power of the New Dustbuster II! > And from that scattered >dust,/Around us and abroad,/Shall spring a plenteous seed of witness >for God." > Mike: Let's all watch as chariot after chariot is thrown into the fire, shall we? >"The Father hath received/Their latest living breath,/And vain is >Satan's boast of vict'ry in their death./ Crow: Satan was given a $5000 fine by the League for talking trash. > Still, still, tho' dead, they >speak,/And, trumpet-tongued, Tom: [Mr. B] With the SPIRIT of MUSIC! Crow: [shuddering] Gah! Nonono, no dragging him/her/it into this! > proclaim/To many a wak'ning land/The one >availing Name./Amen." > >--Martin Luther, "Flung to the Heedless Winds" Mike: Now available on 95 Theses Records and Tapes. Crow: And with Luther's arrival, the Hanseatic League turns Protestant, knocking its stability down to -3 and royally miffing Spain. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >THE END > Crow: Finally! Mike: Wow. No appendix or footnotes. Maybe Pete didn't really write this. Tom: Let's hit the road before we get another message. [They stand and exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The doors close to reveal a somberly lit bridge. Mike, Tom and Crow are all clad in tuxedoes. Gypsy wears a pair of earrings and a long dress. Formally clad extras amble about in the background. A buffet is arrayed on the command console.] Mike: I'm surprised at you two. After all of the griping and whining you two did about David MacAllister, you turn around and give him a wake. Tom: Eh. It seemed like the decent thing to do. Crow: [mumbling] I still say he deserved it though. Mike: Well, it still was nice of you. [Mike looks around.] Er, I don't see many of the actual cast here, though. Crow: They claimed to have other things to do. Tom: And Brittany mentioned something about a restraining order. Crow: Oh. Did she renew that? Tom: Apparently so. Crow: Blast. Tom: Still, it wasn't David's fault that he was in this mess of a story. Crow: Yeah! His agent probably thought this was his big break! Mike: It could have been worse, though. Crow: Don't say that! Mike: The story's over, Crow. We're in no danger. Tom: Fine. I'll bite. How could it have been worse, Mike? [A young blonde male youth enters.] Youth: Hi, guys! Thanks for invit... ARRRGGHHHH!!!! [The child convulses and falls out of sight beneath the command console.] Crow: My god. Haley Joel Osment is dead. Mike: See? Tom: Point conceded. Crow: Poor kid. That's three in a row for him now. [A man, clearly nine sheets to the wind, shambles into view. He's wearing a vaguely futuristic looking uniform.] Man: I, for one am glad that the deceased is gone. Blasted little princess. Coming in and lording it over the rest of us... Tom: Excuse me? Who are you? Man: Henry. Henry Jel... I'm sorry. I don't see any dancing Ferengi. I must be at the wrong funeral. Mike: Quite all right. Happens to... Henry: AHHHH!!!!! Keep away from me, you vicious fiend!! AHHH!!!! Those accursed eyes!!! [He exits rapidly.] Mike: Well, like my grandpa used to say, "That made all the sense of a red flag sticking out of a drunken oyster. You can sing to it and salute, but you better bring motor oil." [The bots look at each other.] Crow: Mike? Do us a favor? Don't tell us any more about your family. Mike: Yeah, yeah. Still, I can't help but think. Tom: [mumbled] There's a first. Mike: ...what if Peter had a point? I mean, there are a lot of problems facing Special Ed students today. Shouldn't we try and figure out a way to make them more accepted by society? Is there a better way to educate them to deal with their problems? [Tom and Crow look at each other. Then they turn back to Mike.] Crow: Mike? If we had any of those answers, do you think we'd be stuck up here? Mike: Oh. Yeah. [Pause.] Mike: Well, let's see what Pearl is up to. [Mike taps the light and the scene changes to...] [Castle Forrester] [Once again, the Castle is darkened. The silhouetted figure stands in the foreground.] Figure: I see you survived the story, Mike. But I caution you against becoming overconfident. For you have only begun to scratch the surface of the depravity that lies ahead of you! Murder plots! Lacrosse! Alan Alda! J-Pop! Even an excursion into the very depths of hell! [Satellite of Love] Tom: Isn't Alan Alda and Hell kinda redundant? Crow: The J-Pop too. [Castle Forrester] Figure: Silence! Even your light hearted jabs may not be able to save you from what is in the future! For I know that your captors have in their possession a story so frightening that even your worst nightmare will seem like a walk in the park! And only one word can convey that horror... [Suddenly, the lights flip on. A very shocked looking Bobo stands with his jaw agape. Behind him, next to a light switch, stands a stern-looking Pearl.] Bobo: ...Lawgiver. Hi. Pearl: [coldly] Furball. [to the screen] Mike, I'm going to have to end this transmission early. Oh, and I'd be really annoyed that you didn't invite me to your little shindig. Thankfully, I have a funeral of my own to arrange. Bobo: Really? Who died? Pearl: [grinning evilly] Oh, you'll find out soon enough. By the way, do you know where my knives are? The really blunt, painful ones? [Pearl cuts the connection and we return to the Satellite.] Mike: Well, it looks like Bobo's in trouble. Crow: Yep. Mike: So, where were we? Tom: You were discussing trying to solve the world's problems, which is of course, impossible. Mike: Oh yeah. Gypsy: I can solve 'em. [As Gypsy speaks, the lights begin to flash, and the crowd of extras begins to rush around in the background.] Tom: Mike! Something's approaching the ship! Gypsy: Seriously. It'd be easy. All I... Mike: Not now, Gypsy! Cambot! Give me... Crow: Too late! We're being boarded! Gypsy: Hrmph! [Gypsy exits. The extras have also vacated the premises as well. Fog swells up on the bridge. Moments later, a number of business clad figures step through the fog...] Mike: It's... All: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones? Dicky: Hey guys. We've come to get you out of here. Tom: Wow! It's Dicky Barrett, lead vocalist, and there's Nate Al... Mike: Tom? No more lineups. Seriously? You guys are here to get us out of here? Dicky: You bet! Our ship's right outside! Crow: You mean there actually are bands out there fighting evil and injustice across the world?! Dicky: Heck, yes! Everyone in the band fights crime during the day and skas hard at night! You can kinda guess it by our name. We've all got our little specialties. Kevin's a master of disguise. Tim can summon bolts of electricity. Dennis.. Tom: Um, sir? What about that guy over there? What does he do? Dicky: Oh, that's Ben. He dances around in the background. Tom: Really? Is that really useful? Dicky: Sure! He's practically indispensable. You see... Mike: Guys! [silence] If you can get us out of here, then let's go! Dicky: Glad to! Right this... [Another suit clad person rushes into view.] Bosstone: We've got problems! Mr. Armageddon and Captain Lacrosse are attacking the Mall of America! And they've captured Toyah Wilcox! Dicky: Guys! We gotta run! Mike: Can you take us with you? Dicky: Sorry! It's far too dangerous! Bosstones! To the Boss-shuttle! [They exit with a flourish, leaving the bewildered crew behind, speechless.] Crow: [V.O.] WHO THE HELL IS TOYAH WILCOX?!? [Well, almost speechless.] [The screen pulls off to one side, and Huey Lewis's "Bad is Bad" begins to play. As the credits roll on the narrow, right-hand side of the screen, we see, a la "Daria", the following on the left-hand side]: Mike dressed in a Green Bay Packer : "TRIUMPH OF THE RETART" uniform : written by : Peter Guerin : : Brain Guy as Lex Luthor, circa "The : "TRIUMPH OF THE RETART" Challenge of the Superfriend" (with : was MiSTed by with purple & green battle suit) : : Mr. B Natural on a jar of "Mr. B's : Alex Gariepy Creamy Style Peanut Butter" : : Pearl as a M*A*S*H nurse : Bill Livingston : Servo as a five-star general : Cory McCasland : Colonel Glenn Manning as the Amazing : Keith Palmer Colossal Iron Chef Bread Truck : : Crow as Superman : D. Reed : Leonard Maltin as a bellhop : Rebo Valence (in a two and a half star hotel) : : Torgo and Ortega as the Men in Black : And Matt Blackwell : Joel as a circus ringmaster : "Daria" and all related : characters and situations are : trademarked and copyright MTV : Networks and Viacom. Daria : created by Glenn Eichler. : All rights reserved. : Bobo as the Statue of Liberty : "Beavis and Butthead" and all (buried up to his waist in the sand) : related characters and : situations are trademarked : and copyright MTV Networks : and Viacom. All rights : reserved. : Dr. Forrester as Whistler's Mother : "King of the Hill" and all : related characters and : situations are trademarked : and copyright Judgemental : Films Inc, Film Roman : Productions and 20th Century : Fox Television : All rights reserved. : TV's Frank in a Starfleet Security : "Mystery Science Theater Officer's red shirt : 3000" and related characters : and situations are trademark : of and copyright Best Brains, : Inc. All rights reserved. : Mike, Joel, Crow & Servo as : Use of copyrighted/trademarked Rage Against the Machine : material is for non-commercial : parody, review, and commentary : purposes only; no infringement : on the original copyrights or : trademarks held by others is : intended or should be : inferred. : Gypsy as Martha Stewart : No personal insults to : author(s), character(s), or : situation(s) are or should : be implied. All characters : in this work are fictional, : and any resemblance to actual : people, living or dead, is : purely coincidental. : Sylvia & Jerry as Beavis & Butthead : Incidental mentions of various : situations and song lyrics : should not be taken as : challenges to any legal : copyrights and/or trademarks. : Jack Perkins as Axl Rose : For those of you playing along : at home, the correct answer to : Crow's final question in the : prologue was "Sister Havana" : by Urge Overkill. : Crow & Servo as Daria & Jane : Keep circulating the posts. [The screen goes black and we return to the Satellite's Bridge, where our trio still stands.] Tom: Er, what the hell was that? Mike: An homage, I think. Crow: Hey! Would someone please answer me? Who is she? Or he? Mike: Oh, hush. [Mike hits a button on the console, and the screen contracts with a ...] \ | / \ | / --- * --- PWOOOOSH! / | \ / | \ *twang* --------------------------------------------------------------- >"The name's Zack de la Rocha, lead singer for Rage Against the >Machine," he said. --------------------------------------------------------------- 10/25/01